What I want to remember when I become a mother, a child therapist's perspective, Part 2

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Thank you so much for checking out my second blog in this series!  As I mentioned before, this blog series is definitely more personal for me so I do hope that the thoughts that I am sharing are helpful to some of you and hopefully not too terribly offensive to the others! Please feel free to check out the first part of this series here. 
 
For my blog today, I am hoping to share a bit about how I hope to handle “mom shame” when I am a mom. As a non-mom for many adult years while working with kids, I have gotten a handle on how to handle my sensitivity around not having kids yet but now I want to start preparing how to handle my sensitivity as a new mom in a climate of judgment around parenting choices.  
 
The whole topic of “mom shame” comes up frequently both in my personal and professional life, partially because I work with a lot of parents and spend a lot of time with friends who already have kids. I have noticed that the women who I talk with in both settings who seem to have the best handle on their “mom shame” approach parenting with a philosophy of, “this is what’s right for me, but you do what feels right for you.” Since I am what I call a “recovering perfectionist,” I really hope to embrace and embody this perspective as well because I hope to keep my own perfectionism and judgment about my mistakes at bay. Especially as a new mom who will be making a lot of mistakes!
 
As much as I know I can’t totally know what mom shame feels like yet, I definitely know what shame feels like since shame and perfectionism are flip sides of the same coin. Here are my thoughts about ways to work through the mom shame once it arrives on my lovely emotional doorstep, tears and anger and all.

1. Notice when my shame is triggered. For me, this happens primarily when I am feeling judged, criticized, or that I have made a mistake. So, pretty much I will assume my shame is triggered for the first 18 years of parenting – kidding, sort of!
2. Talk things through with the circle of friends I have that are non-judgey and shaming. I already have a list developed just by going through pregnancy and noticing who seems to approach things in a way I feel comfortable with.
3. Be compassionate. I’ve learned that generally the best way for me to avoid my own shame spirals about my mistakes is to be compassionate and kind about others’ mistakes.
4. Own my mistakes. As I mentioned last week, I do not think that all my years of working with parents has at all prepared me for what it will be like to be a parent myself. Sure, the tips and tricks I have learned might help in some ways but I am going to be a first time parent just like everyone else. And I know I am going to screw up sometimes. Maybe even a lot of the time. The best lesson that I have learned in my work with parents is that mistakes are okay if we let them be. So, I am going to work hard to own my mistakes, correct them as best I can, and move on while knowing that I , like all the other parents out there, am doing the best I can.

 
Thank you all for reading!  I have more ideas for future blogs on this topic that I will be sharing as things progress and would appreciate any feedback you would like to give me!
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304.
 
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As always, thanks for reading  and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child, teen counseling, adult psychotherapy and Family Therapy San Diego, call the Thrive Therapy Studio.