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The Problem with "Positive Thinking" - Realistic Thinking (Part Two)

6/24/2018

 

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman 

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So I must truly be a grumpy person to have not just one, but two blogs dedicated to my concerns about the positive thinking movement!  Kidding, sort of!  I wanted to dedicate this blog to a discussion of what to do instead for those of you who agreed with my concerns about positive thinking – or who have had the experience so many have, which is for it to just not work for them. For example, you have a bad day and reach out to a trusted loved one who tells you, just think positive, after all it could be worse. And you then, well, continue to feel terrible about your bad day and then feel even worse because you logically know it could be worse, but you still feel terrible about the day you had. If you’ve ever been there, this blog is for you!
 
As I mentioned in the first blog on this series (if you want to read it, check it out here!) I'd like to propose something different and what I believe to be more effective than positive thinking, which is Realistic thinking. This is thinking that lives in the middle of completely negative thinking and completely positive thinking.  Realistic thinking is a way of acknowledging that things might feel really hard, painful, or difficult but they won’t stay that way. It is a way of acknowledging the truth of your pain while also knowing that pain is temporary and will end sometime. Realistic thinking accepts that life has its’ ups and downs, but tries to help you ride those waves rather than getting stuck in the undertow. I believe that as a therapist, being a realist has been an incredible gift and one that I try to share with my clients. 
 
What does realistic thinking look like in action? 
  1. Acknowledge the pain, struggle, challenge, emotion that you are experiencing
  2. Allow it to be present with curiosity, wondering about your experience and what you are feeling, struggling with, and why
  3. Notice the tendency to either think overly negatively or overly positively as a means to avoid experiencing the feeling – challenge the overly negative thoughts and temper the overly positive ones as needed 
  4. Remember that life has struggles but we can endure them, and that through the struggle we can also learn about ourselves. It is often in our most challenging and difficult moments in life that we can learn the most and grow the most – it’s just a painful process but so worth it once you are on the other side!
 
If you notice that in the steps of realistic thinking, there is a lot of what I call, “holding space.” Just holding space for your emotions, struggle, thoughts, and experience and not in a critical or judgmental way, but in a curious way – wondering what is going on and allowing the experience to happen. “Holding space” is a big part of what we do in trusted and safe relationships, like in therapy, where we sit with difficult emotions together, just knowing that we are not alone. It is not fixing them. It is not problem solving. It is not positive thinking (which communicates, that feeling is too uncomfortable for me to feel with you). It is simply allowing someone to know, I am here and I care to share your pain with you. This is what I believe is the gift that the way I do therapy can bring to my clients. This is my goal as a therapist - that I help you know you are not alone in the struggle, that you are heard, understood, and on the way to growth. Even though it is painful and difficult. The path towards change and growth always is but we are on it together. 
 
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. We love being space holders for you! If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
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Thrive Therapy Studio
5230 Carroll Canyon Rd. Ste 110
​San Diego, CA 92121
"Watch your thoughts, 
They become words. 
Watch your words, 
They become actions. 
Watch your actions, 
They become habits. 
Watch your habits, 
They become character; 

It becomes your destiny."

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Thrive Therapy Studio Therapists Offer Child, Teen, Adult, Marriage and Family Psychotherapy Counseling Services in San Diego, California.
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  • Welcome
  • About Thrive
    • Meet the Thrive Team >
      • Dr. Erica Wollerman
      • Dr. Maria Fowlks
      • Jennifer Gonzalez, LMFT
      • Ying-Ying Shiue, LPCC
      • Kim Macias, APCC
      • Dr. Andrea Seldomridge
      • Molly Llamas, AMFT
      • Abbey Stewart, AMFT
    • Appointment Information
  • Contact
  • Services
    • Group Therapy at Thrive >
      • Anxiety Group For Teens
      • Parent Support Group
      • Middle School Social-Emotional Processing Group
      • Young Adults Group (18-24)
    • Therapy for Children
    • Therapy for Teens and Young Adults
    • Therapy for Adults
    • Family Therapy
    • Parent Consultation
  • Resources
    • Information About Therapy
    • Academic Resources
    • San Diego Resources
    • Covid-19 Resources
    • Anti-Racism Resources
    • Recommended Reading
    • Resources for Specific Challenges >
      • Addiction and Recovery Information
      • ADHD
      • Anger Management
      • Anxiety
      • Autism/Developmental Disorders
      • Child Abuse and Domestic Violence
      • Depression
      • Eating Disorders/Body Image Issues
      • Personal Growth/Managing Perfectionism
      • LGBTQIA
      • Parenting
      • Relationships
      • Stress Management/Mindfulness
      • Teen Issues
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