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The next therapist I am excited to introduce you to is Dr. Andrea Seldomridge, who is currently a psychological associate (PSB94026434) working closely with me as I have the privilege of supervising her work (Dr. Erica Wollerman, PSY25614). She is one of the most intentional and detail oriented therapists that I have ever worked with and brings a depth of knowledge and understanding to her clinical work that is pretty impressive! She has rare new client openings even in afternoons!  Who do you LOVE working with? I love working with children, teens, and young adults. Getting to walk alongside clients and witness both their struggles and growth is a true privilege. As a queer therapist, working with members of the queer community is something near and dear to meet. I love having conversations around what it means to develop a queer identity! Additionally, I love working with folks experiencing anxiety, school stressors, religious issues, interpersonal resolution challenges, identity development, and transitions into young adulthood. What should potential clients know about you and your style in therapy? I like to strike a balance between structured and unstructured. I often will bring in tools that may help them with what they’re coming in for, such as depression or anxiety. However, I always want to meet the client where they’re at and utilize a more conversational and organic approach. What is your favorite parenting tip or recommendation? Less is more! Often it can be so hard seeing kids and teens about to make mistakes. Instead of stepping in each time, allowing them to make mistakes can be such a great way to help them grow, mature, and build confidence. What advice would you like to have received when you were younger? Whatever you are anxious about likely won’t matter in a year, so you will get through it! What do you like to do in your free time? I love to run (aka go on “gentle jogs”), throw a lacrosse ball around, and watch a movie and make popcorn each weekend. At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with Dr. Andrea Seldomridge, or a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
By Dr. Erica Wollerman
As I shared last week in my blog post about overscheduling, I have been thinking a lot about overscheduling as we adjust to the back-to-school phase. So often, our kids have jam-packed schedules filled with numerous extracurricular activities, tutoring sessions, and academic pursuits. While exposing kids to various experiences can be beneficial, overscheduling can take a toll on their physical and emotional well-being. As parents, it's crucial to strike a balance between offering enriching opportunities and allowing ample time for unstructured play and relaxation. In this blog post, I will share some of the risks associated with overscheduled children and the importance of nurturing balance and well-being in their lives.
So, what on earth could go wrong when you are just trying to provide your children with opportunities?
As parents, it's essential to evaluate your child's schedule regularly and make necessary adjustments to maintain balance. Focus on quality over quantity, allowing your child to participate in a few activities they genuinely enjoy and excel at. Invite them to talk with you about what they enjoy and what activities they might want to stop doing. It is a good learning experience for kids and parents to realize that we are not actually able to do “everything.” Encouraging downtime and rest in your child's daily routine is also important. Sufficient sleep and relaxation are vital for their physical and mental well-being. How you frame this to them is so important - so make sure to let them know that they need rest just as much as they need activity, school, and food. Let them know that the signals of being tired all the time, not motivated, stressed, etc., are actually signals of needing downtime, just like a check engine light in the car is a sign the car needs some mechanical support! The “check engine light” analogy usually is super helpful in building an understanding of what our bodies need! I totally understand why parents want to provide their children with so many opportunities - we all truly want the best for our children after all! Learning to strike a balance between enriching experiences and downtime is essential for their overall well-being and development. By nurturing a balanced schedule, we can foster their growth, creativity, and happiness, allowing them to academically and emotionally flourish. Remember that a child's well-being should always be the top priority, and finding that sweet spot of balance can lead to a healthier and more fulfilling childhood experience.
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Today, I wanted to share something that has been on my mind lately - the crazy world of overscheduling our kiddos. Now, don’t get me wrong, I totally get it! We all want the best for our kids, and we can get so caught up in the whirlwind of things we think we need to be doing for them or opportunities we need to provide them with.
Sometimes it feels like we are living in the era of trying to make our kids “super kids.” We want them to excel at everything they do and are willing to invest in them accordingly. Private lessons for a sport they just started? Why not! Extracurricular activities on a daily basis? Sure! Especially if you can afford to pay for these things, it can be hard to hold ourselves back from doing so. It can be hard to take a step back and think about what we communicate to our kids by doing so much all the time. As a psychologist, I worry a lot about both the message we send to our kids by having their days packed as though they are a mini CEO, but I also worry about the impact on us as parents. For the kids, I think that, unfortunately, we give them the message that their worth and value in the world are only driven by their actions and accomplishments rather than who they are as people. Additionally, it gives them little room to explore, play, and have down time that they need in order to consolidate the information they are learning all day. The major downside of this for them is that they can end up feeling like they need to be busy and accomplished to be worthy. And they can miss crucial opportunities for learning other parts of life that are outside a curriculum or activity, such as how to manage boredom, how to entertain yourself, how to cope with uncomfortable feelings, and how to develop their own interests on their own (without an adult’s support or guidance). I often wonder how our kids will develop creativity and passions without having more time to learn about who they are on the inside. Plus, let's not forget about the stress it puts on us as parents. The logistics alone could be a full-time job! Racing from one activity to another, trying to beat the clock, and crossing our fingers that the traffic gods are on our side—it's exhausting. We barely have time to catch our breath, let alone have quality family moments. I believe that overscheduling leads to parents and kids often feeling that they can never do enough or be enough. There just are not enough hours in the day for us to provide all of the enrichment we feel we need to provide for our kids. And by adding in activity after activity, we communicate to our kids that the way through our feelings is to always take action. I propose an alternative idea here. Let's aim for a balanced approach instead of running around like headless chickens. Choose a couple of activities that genuinely excite and interest our kids, and make sure there's still plenty of downtime just to be kids. This can also give us time as parents to have some of our own interests as well, which can only help our children as it helps us show them a more balanced life and an adult who is hopefully not perpetually busy and stressed. Another idea is to involve our kids in the decision-making process. Ask them what activities they enjoy the most and what they'd like to explore further. This way, we encourage autonomy and let them shape their own experiences. Of course, every family is different, and what works for one might not work for another. So let's not fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to other families and their schedules. Let's do what feels right for our kids and our own sanity. While it might be hard to believe this, childhood is not intended to be a race to adulthood with adult responsibilities! It is meant to be a time of play, development, and learning. At the end of the day, our goal is to raise happy, healthy, and well-rounded individuals. And that means striking that perfect balance between activities and downtime. So here's to embracing the messy, fun, and unplanned moments of childhood—let's savor them while we can!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
One of the most challenging things parents can deal with is their child struggling with school. Perhaps it is due to their executive functioning challenges, another mental or physical health diagnosis, or a learning disability. It could even just be that they do not have a particular aptitude for a subject, such as math or reading. Something I notice often in my work with children and teens is that parents are not always equipped to support their child who is struggling in this way.
It truly can be complicated as we want to empower our children to believe they can overcome challenges, but we also need to recognize that the challenges do exist in a very real way. Unfortunately, our academic systems are inherently ableist, and instead of our children knowing that they are doing the best they can in a system that is not designed for their needs, they believe they are “stupid, dumb, not good enough, etc.” As parents, it is crucial that we find a way to talk with them candidly about these experiences so that they can develop a healthier internal narrative. Here are nine tips to help you do just that: 1. Identify, Address, and Understand Learning Gaps To help your child, you will need to know what they are experiencing and struggling with if you do not already know. This means seeking professional support and possibly even an evaluation outside the school system to have a more thorough diagnosis. Once you know their challenges, seek further professional support, whether privately or through their school district. Even more, do your research to help yourself understand what their diagnosis means for them and what it means for you in terms of how you might need to support them. 2. Encourage a Growth Mindset: A growth mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication and hard work rather than innate ability. It is the idea of something not happening “yet” instead of “not ever possible.” For example, if your child struggles with reading, it is the ability to view that situation as temporary and something to work on. A skill that has not been developed yet, rather than that the child is “not capable of reading.” When their learning experiences are challenging, help your child persevere by emphasizing that mistakes are a crucial part of learning and not indicative of a problem with them or their capability. 3. Shift their narrative As a parent, if you get the sense that your child believes they are inherently unable to do something, work to help them shift their narrative to something more productive. For example, sharing with them that, at times, they are being compared to older peers or that their brain is just not ready to learn whatever they are learning. As adults, we can give them the perspective that things are hard to understand sometimes, and that does not have to mean anything negative about them. 4. Celebrate Small Victories For kids that struggle more than the average child, it can be extremely helpful for their parents to help them acknowledge and celebrate their victories, no matter how small. 5. Break Tasks into Manageable Steps For kids who struggle with learning disorders or executive functioning issues, it is essential to help them learn how to break tasks down so that they are less overwhelming. Schools often help with this, but it is important to help them at home too. Even with something as simple as cleaning up their room - help them identify one part or category of item to clean up first to help it feel less challenging. 6. Incorporate Learning through Play As I probably mention too often, play is how our children learn. No matter their strengths and weaknesses, play can be key to helping a child learn something they are struggling with academically. You could engage your child in educational games, activities, puzzles, etc. The goal is to make learning more enjoyable so they feel less negatively about school and educational activities. 7. Create a Quiet Study Environment Most children need a space without distractions and noise to study and complete their homework. This space is even more important for children who struggle academically. Make sure the area where they study is consistently available to them and that they have a consistent routine to complete academic tasks. 8. Encourage Your Child to Ask for Help Teach your child that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Encourage them to ask questions in class, seek clarification from teachers, or request assistance from peers. While it can be hard for a child who is struggling and may feel like asking for help just shows everyone else how much they struggle, it can be a huge source of support. Knowing when and how to seek help is an important skill that fosters academic growth and self-assurance. 9. Offer Unconditional Support Above all, let your child know that you love and support them unconditionally, regardless of their academic performance. Remind them that their value extends far beyond their grades and that you are proud of their efforts and progress. You can enhance this by ensuring you ask them about more than the areas they are struggling in. Connect about their interests and passions and have no more than weekly conversations about potential challenges academically and how they are navigating them. A loving and understanding support system can work wonders in boosting a struggling student's confidence. In sum, boosting academic confidence in kids who struggle academically requires patience, understanding, and a positive approach. It can also require parents to work on shifting their ideas around school, success, and capability. The more I have worked with individual clients who have academic struggles, the more I have realized that our educational systems are inherently flawed and ableist in nature. If we can share this with our children, they can begin to see potential issues they are having as a product of their learning style with their environment rather than their internal flaws (like being “stupid” or “lazy”). If we can avoid our children internalizing their challenges, they are much more likely to find their path to success!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
As much as summer has certainly gone by too quickly for most of us, school is coming up on us fast, and we definitely need to be ready for this transition! Especially for children who are prone to anxiety or separation issues. For them, the return to school can be particularly daunting, especially due to so many unknowns at the beginning of a school year.
Will I have friends in my class(es)? Will I make new friends? Will I like my teacher(s)? As parents, we can support our children and their likely overwhelming emotions in this transition. Hopefully, we can even help them gain confidence in their ability to overcome challenges (aka build resilience and grit)! In this blog, I want to share some practical tips to empower your child and promote a positive back-to-school experience. 1. Start with Open Communication I am always a big fan of communicating and approaching challenges with curiosity in families. The return to school is no different. We need to encourage our children to share their thoughts, feelings, and potential fears about the return to school and listen without any judgment or suggestions. You can reassure them that nervousness and anxiety are common with this time period, that you believe in their ability to handle this challenge, and that you will support them as much as possible. 2. Re-establish Routines Gradually As I mentioned in my general back-to-school blog last week, it is important to begin preparing for the return to school in advance. For a more anxious child, I would recommend beginning this process about two weeks prior to the school year. This will help minimize the shock of the adjustment back to school. 3. Focus on the Positive Aspects While we don’t ever want to ignore or breeze by our child’s concerns, we do want to present them with a balanced perspective of the upcoming school year. Make sure to share your own ideas about what might be enjoyable or even share your observation of the past years when your child has been able to overcome their fears to have a good time. If you can, elicit your child to share their own ideas about positive things that they hope for in the upcoming school year. 4. Teach Coping Strategies We want to equip our children with as many tools as we can to help them through tough situations. Teaching them deep breathing, visualization strategies, and affirmations or mantras can help them cope with stressful situations. Make sure to practice these ahead of time so that they are well known to your child and they feel able to use them in a difficult moment. Keep in mind that coping strategies can be very helpful, but are not going to totally solve any problem that we have. 5. Set Clear Expectations With more anxious children, it can be tempting to let things be more unclear. Such as, of course I can pick you up early, but only if you are having a hard time. Or, I am just a phone call away, but please don’t call. You get the idea, I’m sure. What we want to do for our more anxious children is let them know that we believe they are capable of staying the whole day at school and that at the end of the first week, we will celebrate them in some way. Then, make sure not to give in too easily if they begin asking to come home early. When we do that quickly, we do not give them the chance to persevere through a hard moment to realize they can do hard things. So, set clear expectations for your child ahead of time of what to expect and try not to accommodate their fears and anxiety by changing your behavior. 6. Set them up for Success This might look different for different children. For some, you might set up a lot of play dates with friends and classmates ahead of time. For others, you might need to communicate with the school and their teacher ahead of time to let them know that your child might need more support in the transition. Many more anxious children will need both of these strategies, so make sure to put them in place for them to feel supported. Plus, make sure to let them know that they can always talk to you about their feelings and the challenges they face at school. Again, listen with curiosity and avoid judgment or jumping in to rescue them, as that just gives the message that they truly can’t handle it. Back to school can be a tough transition for all children but particularly for more anxious children. With these tips and strategies, you will be able to support your child effectively and hopefully smooth the transition. If you or your child needs more support, please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at Thrive!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
I know, it seems like summer just started, and here I am about to talk about how to help your family prepare effectively for the return to school. Life as a parent is just so relentless and definitely stressful. However, I would say that with some preparation and planning, the return to school can be at least slightly more smooth.
For many kids, they have a lot of mixed feelings about coming back to school. They are nervous, excited, happy, sad, scared, worried, and even may feel unprepared for this next phase. Perhaps it is a big transition that they are facing such as the move to kindergarten, middle school, high school, or college. Regardless, it can be tough as a parent to manage our feelings in the face of their at times overwhelming emotional experience in this process. Regardless of your child's age, I wanted to share some ideas and strategies that might help you through this season of transition.
Even with these tips, the back-to-school phase can certainly be tricky to navigate as a parent. Try to have realistic expectations for your child and your family as a whole. The goal is to get through it and hopefully get to a place where you and your child feel comfortable with the new rhythm of life!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
As summer winds down, I wanted to share some ideas for embracing and enjoying the last days of summer fully. Particularly as the back-to-school season is so busy for families, I thought it would be nice to set some bucket list goals for these next few weeks! The more we focus on enjoying the present moments with our kids, the more we can soak up the enjoyable memories of this time, and then hopefully, this can help ease our eventual transition into school and Fall!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Welcome to our final blog in this series! In this blog series, we discussed what it means to be an over-functioning parent, the impact on your children, and how to work to correct this dynamic. What I plan to discuss today is possibly the most important, how to manage your feelings in this whole process.
As mentioned previously, parents are not engaging in this pattern of doing too much for their kids because they want to teach the kids that they are incapable. They want their children to be capable, often desperately, but generally fear the potential negative consequences of failure for their children or even themself. Parents might also sometimes believe it is their job or responsibility to do so much for their kids. So it makes perfect sense that this is an emotional situation for the parents and the kids. As parents, we often manage our fears about our child’s uncertain future by doing things for them and making sure they are “on top of it.” Children can come to rely on others doing things for them and engage more passively with life to avoid challenges. So, how can you manage your feelings while you engage in this process of reducing over-involvement as a parent? Again, this is not an easy task, but it is imperative in terms of helping your child and yourself.
Keep in mind that we are parenting in a time that is just wild. The expectations of us and our children are astronomically high and honestly, most of us will do some things well and others poorly. That is okay. The more we have realistic expectations for ourselves and our kids, the more they can have more realistic expectations of themselves and their lives as well. While it can be hard to manage our emotional reactions to shifting our involvement with our kids, it is also often hard for our children initially. They usually become upset, possibly anxious, dysregulated, or say all kinds of things such as “Why aren’t you helping me? Don’t you love me?” For a parent, this is challenging as it often indicates that their child is not ready for the task. Usually, this is actually not the case; it is just their reaction to change and an expression of their own fear, frustration, or panic. It is crucial for a parent to not only manage their fears internally about changing patterns but to believe in the plan of change so much that they can manage their response effectively to their child’s upset and possible outbursts. The best way to do this is by using the information shared in the second blog in this series. We need to communicate to our children that we believe in them and their ability to overcome the challenges in their way. Remind them that we are here to help, but only after they try themselves and if they truly need it. Practice the following phrases to use in these times when you or your child are distressed:
I hope you enjoyed this blog series and digging a bit deeper into the patterns around over-functioning. If you are a parent identifying with this pattern, please know there is no judgment here. I know it comes from a place of care, love for your child, and desire for them to be okay. It’s a beautiful expression of love, though it is unhelpful. I believe you can learn to respond differently to your child and that they can handle everything in their way! If you need further support around these kinds of parenting shifts or your child’s challenges, please do not hesitate to reach out to us at Thrive! We are here to help!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You don’t want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
3 Part Blog Series About Over-Functioning Parents
Part #2 So you are an over-functioning parent. What now? Welcome back to our three-part blog series about over-functioning parents. Last week, we discussed what over-functioning is and how it impacts children. This week, we will discuss what to do if you want to change this dynamic in your family. The first step is to have a conversation with your child about what you have realized. Depending on the age of your child, you could talk to them about this situation in a variety of ways, but usually, it will sound something like this: “I love you so much. Unfortunately, because I worry about the future, I have been doing way too much for you. And this might make you feel like you are not able to do things on your own, which is not at all the case. I believe in you and your ability to manage things more independently. Moving forward, I am going to stop doing so much for you so that you can learn how to do it on your own. I am still here, and I love you. I believe you can do everything I ask of you.” You can add examples or specific areas you are going to work on reducing your involvement in or even other phrases such as, “I know you can cope with things on your own without texting me from school” or “I know you will figure out a way to wake yourself up in the morning.” The most important thing is to communicate to your child that you have been making a mistake, and that has led to their feelings of incapability. And that you believe you were wrong because they are much more capable than you taught them to believe! For this to be a truly corrective experience and productive conversation, you need to be prepared to take full responsibility for this dynamic. Keep in mind that your child already feels like they are doing everything wrong and are not capable. So your job now is to acknowledge that you are the reason they feel this way and that you will work to help shift this pattern because it is your responsibility to do so and not theirs. This acknowledgment is the first step to changing this dynamic and helping them build feelings of capability. The next part is the hardest, as you have to actually pull back your support. Here are some examples of what this might look like:
I could go on, but mostly the idea is to observe how you solve problems for your child and stop doing it. I know it sounds basic and also quite risky, especially if your child is older, but kids who have yet to learn to solve their own problems just do not do as well in college and later in life. As parents, we need to raise our kids to know their abilities and when to ask for help. Stepping in before they even ask for help or know they need it is not teaching them any of this. It teaches them to be passive and wait for a rescue rather than be proactive problem solvers. Be prepared that your child will likely not seamlessly transition to independence once you pull back your support. They might kick, scream, pout, ask why you don’t love them anymore, ask why you don’t want to help them, or even just fail at whatever it is you were helping them with in the past. This reaction is okay. I know that sounds really callous, but it genuinely is okay. Your child needs to experience challenges to figure out how to overcome them, which is part of their path towards independence. All of this will likely make you feel very uncomfortable, even anxious. I can tell you that this is perfectly normal and almost expected. Every time I have had this conversation with parents in my office, they look at me like I have lost my mind. “Erica, you expect me just to sleep and know my 16-year-old hasn’t done their homework?” And to that, I answer ABSOLUTELY. I expect you to do just that so that you are not more invested in the outcomes of their education than they are. You see, not only does our emotional investment and over-involvement lead to kids who feel incapable or even anxious, but it can also lead them not to care as much as we do. Simply, in the kids’ eyes, it becomes less of a “me thing” and more of a “you thing.” This point of view, unfortunately, leads some kids to become less motivated or interested in their activities or school. Any of these outcomes - anxious and stressed out kids who feel incapable or kids who appear completely uninterested in goals/school/future types of things which also feel incapable - are not helpful in our goal of raising independent people! For the final part of our blog series next week, I will share ideas about how to cope with the challenging emotions this process might bring up for you. You don’t want to miss it!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You will want to be a part of this!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
I’ve been thinking about the idea of “over-functioning” often recently as it is a huge topic in my office and many of the therapist and mom podcasts I listen to. I have been mulling over the dynamic of over-functioning and how this impacts children, particularly when a parent is an over-functioner.
First, what is an over-functioner? Someone who falls into this pattern will likely feel that they need to do everything all the time for everyone around. This feeling usually results from how they have learned to cope with anxiety and naturally deal with anxiety, stress, or overwhelming situation by taking action rather than falling apart. Similar to perfectionism or being a high performer, which has traits often associated with over-functioners, this is not all negative by any means. There are significant strengths to over-functioning, perfectionism, and high performance. There are also significant challenges and a huge cost to the person living at an unsustainable pace all the time, which is often burnout. People who are over-functioning often take on more than they should of the responsibilities around them, at work and home. This can lead others to feel less capable in comparison. They might think, “Since I can’t even do half as much as they can, I must not be as good or capable as they are.” Unfortunately, the conclusion is often that they will never be able to do things as well as the other person and stop trying. This conclusion is clearly frustrating for the person who has more things on their plate, but they have a role to play here too. Often, if the other person tries to help with something but does not do it as well or the same as the person who is in the role of over-functioning, someone may criticize. This assumption becomes a negative feedback loop for the other person and for the over-functioner, where both people end up feeling that one of them is more capable than the other. Just imagine the impact on a work team or in a marriage. Unfortunately, this pattern has a similar impact on children. If a parent is always stepping in for a child and doing things for them, even if they can do it themselves, it will give that child the message that they are less capable. Sometimes, it leads to a feeling that they are less competent and incapable, especially for kids who are aware of their parent’s efforts and how much they do for them. In my office, this has sounded like the following:
If some of these phrases resonate with you, you might have taken on an over-functioning role in your family. Since we all want to raise children who are capable and independent, that might be hard to recognize as, unfortunately, your best intentions are getting in the way of your child’s development. The good news is that you can work through all of this! I won’t even begin to say that this will be easy because these dynamics are often rooted in deep feelings about a parents’ role, fears about a child’s ability to “make it,” and confusion related to what parents are responsible for. While it is not easy, it is well worth trying to shift this dynamic to help your child. Read on next week to learn more about how to adjust this dynamic in your family!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. |
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