Thrive Therapy Blog

Meet Dr. Erica Wollerman, our Founder

8/9/2022

By: CanvasRebel
This is an excerpt from an interview between our founder, Dr. Erica Wollerman, and CanvasRebel. To read the interview in full, check it out here!

Alright, Erica thanks for taking the time to share your stories and insights with us today. Can you recount a time when the advice you provided to a client was really spot on? (Please note this response is for education/entertainment purposes only and shouldn’t be construed as advice for the reader)

One of the most common themes that comes up in my work, and my life personally, is around limits. People often really struggle to know their limits in the sense of “how much can I take on, how much more can I do, or am I doing too much?” This is something that resonates with me personally as well and I have finally understood a better way to approach the questions around doing too much or not enough. The thing I encourage people to consider is that everything, and I mean everything, has a cost. Since I work often with working parents who have demanding careers, this is so true for them and for me and my family. For example, if you are choosing to work hard for a promotion or have a job that is too demanding for you, the cost might be to your energy, ability to engage with your kids, or mental health. I usually frame conversations about our choices in this light and understanding the cost so that we can make more conscious choices. Otherwise, we end up with unrealistic expectations that will just never be met.

Awesome – so before we get into the rest of our questions, can you briefly introduce yourself to our readers.

I founded Thrive Therapy Studio in 2017 after approximately 11 years in the field of mental health and therapy. I am a licensed clinical psychologist and I LOVE working with working parents who are struggling to balance it all. Since I have a background working with children with a variety of diagnoses, my understanding of children informs my work with parents to help benefit the whole family. I am a firm believer that if parents are coping better, their kids will also be coping better. My approach is similar to my parenting style – firm with lots of compassion and understanding. I am most proud of being gable to develop an office where my team loves to work, our clients love to come, and where we truly can support the whole family.

We also wanted to share with you some pictures of our updated office! We have expanded our office space so that we can better serve our community, increase our in person session offerings, and further grow our team!

Check them out below!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

Recognizing Anxiety in Kids

2/16/2022

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

When I think of anxiety as an adult, I think of stressful thoughts, racing hearts, sweaty palms, and being preoccupied with whatever I’m anxious about. As adults, we’ve had years to learn to improve our ability to identify what emotion we’re feeling. When you can identify it, it makes it a lot easier to navigate how to cope. Sometimes just being able to identify an emotion is relieving in itself.

For kids however, it can be harder for them to identify and communicate what emotion they are feeling. It can be even more difficult because some emotions, like anxiety, can look like anything but anxiety! Below I have listed some ways of what anxiety can look like in kids that might differ from adults.

Difficulty concentrating. If their mind seems to wander more or if they are having difficulty focusing on tasks or daily activities, it might be anxiety. Sometimes their anxious thoughts can end up clouding their ability to focus in the same way that when adults are stressed, we might become more easily distracted.
Physical symptoms. You might also have heard this described as somatic symptoms. There was a time in high school when I kept feeling nauseous before school. I could never figure out what was causing it. It was not until I reached adulthood that I recognized it was anxiety manifesting as nausea. Anxiety can look like a variety of physical symptoms, like muscle tension or restlessness. If your child complains of tummy aches, this can be a possible sign of anxiety. (Of course, if you’re concerned about yours or your child’s physical health, it is best to consult a medical provider to ensure there is nothing else going on).
Irritability. Sometimes when a child is angry or even just frustrated, it really is not about the person or situation that is occurring. Rather, it might be anxiety coming out as anger. Anger can be a way of protecting oneself from something that is scary or worrisome. If your child has become more irritable recently, I would encourage you to be curious about what else might be going on and if there has been a recent change that might have initiated it.
Wanting to avoid school. It could be that they dread a specific class (this was me for every English class) or just not be a fan of school as a whole. It could also be that there is something about the school day that is so uncomfortable or anxiety producing that it feels safest to stay home. They just might not be able to identify that they are feeling anxious or what it is they are anxious about. If your child is attempting to avoid going to school, this behavior might not be as much about defiance but more so them feeling overwhelmed.
Withdrawing from others. Sometimes when a child seems depressed, it might actually be anxiety (or a combination of both). Like irritability, it can be another way to protect yourself. If a child withdraws from others, it can be a way to feel like they are able to take a step back from the anxiety producing situation.
Difficulty sleeping. I think as adults, a lot of us know that when we are stressed, we often won’t sleep well that night. For kids however, since they might not be able to verbalize their stress and anxiety, it comes out as difficulty sleeping.

While this isn’t an exhaustive list, these are some of the most common ways anxiety shows up in kids. If your child is experiencing any of the above, it might be helpful to check in with them on their stress levels and just remind them that you are there for them to be a listening ear.

5 Ways to Address Suicidal Ideation as a Parent

1/26/2022

By: Andrea Seldomridge

Wondering if your child is at risk of hurting themselves can feel incredibly scary. Sometimes it is hard to know if your child’s depressed mood is another part of being a child or teen, or if it is a sign of something more urgent. Maybe you are concerned that your child is feeling suicidal or they might have already communicated that they are indeed having suicidal thoughts. It can be hard to know how to keep your child safe when it comes it suicide or how to even broach the topic. If you are wondering if your child is experiencing suicidal thoughts or are concerned that their depression is something more than depression, here are some ways you can address suicidal ideation as a parent.

Check for warning signs. There are several potential warning signs of suicidal thoughts. These include experiencing a depressed mood, loss of interest in activities, increased substance use, saying statements like “I wish I could sleep and never wake up” or “no one would miss me if I was gone”, or talking about death and suicide.
Ask them directly if they are having suicidal thoughts. There is a common myth that asking someone if they are suicidal or bringing up the topic of suicide can put the idea in their mind. Research shows that this is not only a myth, but it is actually best to ask directly. This can look like “have you been having thoughts of killing yourself or thoughts of suicide?” This lets your child know that you see their pain, care enough to ask, and that you want to support them.
Assess risk. When we assess for risk in therapy, we always assess for if someone has a plan to commit suicide, an intent on doing so, and if they have the means to. As a parent, you can ask “have you made a plan to attempt suicide? have you thought about how you would attempt suicide?” and if so asking if they have access to the items they would use. If they answer yes to any of these, let them know you are glad they could share this information with you and that you will continue to be there for them. It would then be important to seek out professional help, such as contacting a therapist, calling a suicide hotline, or visiting your local emergency room if the risk is imminent.
Make the situation safe. Removing the means someone would commit suicide with is a way to help keep someone safe. For example, if a child shares that they would use medication to attempt suicide, you can keep the medication locked in a different cabinet. Additionally, I would highly encourage you to keep firearms locked and kept out of access.
Ask how you can support them. This can be different for every child, but if they are able to identify a way you can be there for them, thank them for letting you know. Be sure to avoid minimizing pain or providing a quick fix. If they are not ready to talk, you can let them know that it is okay if they are not ready and that you will be there to listen whenever they are. For many children, attending therapy can be a great place where they can begin talking with another person who will listen and support them. Lastly, another way to support them is finding small activities to engage in together, such as going on a walk or watching a movie. This shows them that you are there for them without feeling a pressure to talk.

If you are ever concerned for the safety of your child, seek out professional help. This can look like seeking out therapy for your child or calling the Access and Crisis line (1-888-724-7240). If your child is at immediate risk, call 911 or go to your local emergency room.

5 Ways to Support Teens with Low Self-Esteem

1/19/2022

By Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

Being a teen can be difficult to say the least. While it is a time of self-exploration, figuring out who you are and what you value, it is also a time when it becomes especially easy to compare yourself to others. A teen might not make the sports team or pass that difficult class, or may start to compare how they look to their peers. Most teens end up struggling with low self-esteem at some point. It can feel painful as a parent to see your child doubt themselves, but thankfully there are a few things parents can do to help their teen gain confidence in themselves.

Make space to listen rather than problem-solve. I think this is hands down the best thing one could do. Providing a space where your teen can share how they are feeling without providing a solution can make them feel heard and seen. It can be so easy to quickly point out what is great about them - there are likely several things that are great about them! However, sometimes it can end up feeling invalidating. Instead, you can just reflect to them how they are feeling by saying “I know you’re feeling down” or “I know you’re really frustrated with this class”.
Focus on efforts rather than outcomes. For myself, science was always the most difficult class and the tests that I never quite got the grade I was hoping for. I remember when someone told me “you worked really hard and that matters a lot”. It was so encouraging to have someone praise the effort I put into it, because even when I did not get the grade I could still be proud of myself for the extra studying. If your teen is dealing with low self-esteem regarding a class, not making the sports team, or just not meeting their expectations, try praising them for the efforts they put into it.
Encourage them to try new things. Encouraging your teen to try a new activity can help boost confidence and gain practice in putting themselves out there. Whether they do well or do not meet their expectations, you can reflect the courage it takes to try new activities.
Speak kindly to yourself. This is a great way to model positive self-talk! Many of us (including myself) are skilled in identifying the things we dislike about ourselves. Creating the habit of using positive self-talk with ourselves can be a good way to demonstrate it to teens.
Help them reflect on ways they have grown. When experiencing low self-esteem, all-or-nothing thinking can set it. It might leave them feeling like they have never been good enough and won’t ever be. Helping them identify things that were once difficult for them that they now do with ease can increase self-confidence.

Gaining self-esteem is a gradual process. Listening to your teen, reflecting their feelings, and being there for them are some of the best ways to help them increase their self-confidence.

What’s the deal with expecting teens to be so productive?

7/24/2020

It’s so hard to believe that it is already July and by the time this blog posts, it will be almost August. Time has been an interesting element during the pandemic in that most of the people I know personally and professionally have noticed that time is passing in such a strange way lately. All at once, it feels like the longest year of our lives and then it also feels like everything is on pause and how on earth could it be almost back to school time???? Anyways, time is strange lately and I’d be remiss not to mention that in a blog post about how teens and young adults are doing these days.

When the pandemic began, I remember thinking that one positive byproduct of everyone having to be home for the time being was that the pace of life for our kids would slow down a bit. While I think that has certainly been challenging in some ways, a lot of teens have been feeling less stressed due to having less demands on their time and more down time overall. Some even have enjoyed being out of the peer relationships that can be so challenging at times in schools.

As someone who has commented a lot about how the current climate of our world puts so much pressure on teens and young adults, I was glad to see some of them leaning into relaxation and doing things they enjoy more. I noticed that they seemed less anxious and often less depressed which has also been a welcome change.

Interestingly though, it seems that a lot of parents are struggling to allow their kids to just relax and try to get through the pandemic by coping through the fun things that are still permitted like video games, TV, reading, hanging out with friends from a distance, etc. Some kids and teens also still feel the need to be productive and do as much as possible. While options are limited, it’s interesting to observe how uncomfortable it has been for a lot of people to have down time and to not work towards a linear, future oriented, academic or professional goal.

This pattern has led me to become very curious about our society and why we are just so darn focused on productivity and linear achievements. Particularly as someone who is much more invested in who my clients are and how they feel about their lives and themselves, what we do, while important, seems just less important particularly when it comes to coping during a situation like a pandemic.

I believe that while most of the world is on pause in a sense, many of us are struggling with the idea of putting our productivity on pause. That somehow by just taking it easy, we might lose some of our momentum and ability to accomplish great things.

Perhaps we can reframe this situation as an opportunity, rather than a loss of productivity.

Perhaps we can reframe it as an opportunity to learn about ourselves and what we like to do when we don’t have external pressures of the world and its’ machine-like focus on accomplishing things.

Perhaps as adults, we can model for kids and teens how to just “be” rather than to always “do.”

To do this, we might need to learn how to be more still and allow ourselves to just follow our passions. We might need to put our to-do lists aside and just let our days develop, rather than be so scheduled. For anyone who is able to do this (as I am well aware some people are still working!), I'd encourage you to give it a try and to lean into the uncertainty around a lack of a plan or lack of a checklist of accomplishments. I would be curious what is waiting for you on the other side! Maybe you can learn more about yourself and your passions. I find that often there is a level of growth that comes from a paradigm shift that you just can’t find without the destabilization that comes from the shift. While uncomfortable and challenging, this is a worthwhile endeavor just like all of our to do list items. I would encourage parents to also allow their kids to just be for a while. After all, many of them may not have an opportunity to do that for quite some time!

Help! My Kids Are Driving Me Insane in Quarantine!

5/1/2020

Have you been feeling like your house has turned into a zoo? If so, then you are not alone! When the shelter-in-place order started, these are some things that my younger clients have told me:

“I love coronavirus. I get to stay home. I don’t have school.”
“I’m good! I don’t have math.”
“I got to watch movies and play all day! It’s great!”
“It’s like vacation and I’m with my family.”

And as expected, these statements did not last that long. Children don’t process loss or tragedy and adapt as quickly as adults do. In about two weeks after my clients made these statements, I started to get phone calls and emails from parents about their children “acting out” and having behavioral issues. It has started to sink in that the changes might not be so fun after all, and they are grieving their old lifestyle more than they knew. And before you know it, the confusion, uncertainty, and frustration (combined with cabin fever) start to hit them all at once. Although I can’t guarantee when things will get better for your child, there are ways that you can help support them and make staying at home more tolerable for everyone.

The first and most important rule of thumb is to be patient and be an active listener. Chances are, your child is not “acting out” on purpose. I’m a firm believer that there is always an underlying cause for a behavior. Often times, my clients have shared that they felt unheard or are angry about something in their lives. Acting out is just a way to externalize those feelings. Imagine if I had taken out half of the words in your vocabulary and you weren’t able to convey your thoughts to me. Your child’s behaviors are their way of conveying what’s going on inside. It may not be easy but patience can help your children feel that everything will be okay.

Staying active. Children who don’t get enough physical exercise during the day can often become restless when it is time to settle down. Anxiety, fear, and sadness can also show up as irritability in younger children. Keeping their heart rate up, and spending the extra energy will help ease their anxiety and (hopefully) help them feel tired when it is time for bed. Children are used to using both mental and physical energy 8 hours a day when they were going to school. Because this component is missing, try filling it with other ways to keep them engaged. Notice I didn’t say keep them entertained. I know there is a lot of stress out there for parents trying to keep their children happy now that they are home all day, but that does not have to be the case. This is about helping them spend excess mental and physical energy. And for parents who work from home, some of these activities can be done independently after showing them. Below are some ideas you can try:

Mentally challenging activities

Starting a jigsaw puzzle
Learning to knit/sew
Learning an instrument (there are apps out there for this!)
Scavenger hunt (can be done on a walk or in the home)
Crafting (I’ve had clients stay engaged by making and donating masks to neighbors or hospitals)
Commit to learning a new language for the whole family (maybe even practice holding a conversation in that language during dinner)

Physical activities

Dancing (Just Dance 2020 on the Switch is super fun!)
Walking or grooming your pet
Jumping on the trampoline
Relay races or obstacle courses in the home
Twister
The floor is lava (remember this one?)
Musical chairs
Virtual fitness classes for kids

Limit their exposure. This may seem strange for an article about behavioral issues in children; however, the current news coverage about COVID-19 has triggered a lot of fear response in children. Children are always listening and observing even when you think they aren’t. I’ve had young clients expressing their fears about getting sick, when things will open, how many cases are in San Diego and so much information that even I have not yet seen. Children can easily misinterpret what they hear and become frustrated about something they can’t understand. In turn, this can bring about more confused feelings that may already exist.

Lastly, staying connected to family and friends can help bring about some normalcy in their lives. Has your child facetimed their grandparents, aunts, or uncles lately? It may be helpful to reach out to other parents and set up virtual play dates. They might just show each other their toys or their room, but it is good to help them feel connected especially if they miss their friends. I’ve recently helped a client set up a Netflix Party with their friends so they can have a virtual slumber party (it was a hit!). This can be a real mood booster for some kids!

Remember that you, as a parent, are grieving too. It’s okay that you may feel short lately and found that you can’t have as much patience as you would like. Your children learn by example, so as long as you are trying and showing them that it is okay to pick yourself back up… that is an important life lesson on its own!

How parents can help teens feel less alone during Covid-19 pandemic

4/4/2020

There is no easy way to tell a teen that schools might not even go back to session this academic year as many of them are struggling with dealing with feelings of loneliness and frustration at having to stay home with their families right now. This is so understandable considering that teens are at an age where they are going to crave connection with their peers, not with their families.
I think that there is no easy way to deal with the feelings of loneliness that are going to come up for teens as a result of social/physical distancing. What I mean is that I don’t think teens are magically going to feel better until this situation is over. However, I think there are some things parents can do to support them and help them get through this situation.

Allow honest dialogue and conversation
- I think one crucial part of any coping response is going to be to engage in a conversation with your teen about how they are doing right now. Letting them sharer openly how frustrated, sad, and lonely they are will help them to feel connected and heard. During a time when I think it is easy to feel unseen, helping our teens feel seen and connected with us is going to be crucial in helping them get to a place of coping.
Show compassion and understanding
- While talking with them, please do not be condescending about the things they are sad about. When you are a teen, you just don’t have the same perspective that adults do and it truly can feel like the world is over if you don’t get to have prom, that date you were excited about, play in the key game, etc. These are big events that kids are missing and we need to honor that by showing them compassion and empathy.
Validate how they are feeling and join them in sharing that you may be struggling with feeling isolated as well
- Go beyond just being understanding and let your teen know that it makes sense that they are struggling with this situation and feeling lonely. You can even note that it is totally a natural reaction particularly at their age and let them know if you are feeling the same way. Please do not share platitudes or criticize them for their reactions. We are all grieving what our lives used to be like and they are allowed to have their feelings too. Let them know however they feel is okay and that they are not alone.
Come up with strategies and ideas together
- If you follow the above steps during a talk (or over several talks), hopefully your teen will then feel supported enough to be able to engage in a conversation about how to make the best of the situation we are all in. Try not to bypass the above steps and force your teen into strategizing before they feel ready – this will create more defensiveness and reluctance to engage in that part of the conversation and will not get you what you want, which is a teen who is coping better.

From there, your goal is to elicit ideas from your teen as to how they can get through this situation. You can offer ideas, but try not to make them one big to do list of things they need to accomplish. I think one byproduct of having a slower pace in our lives is that our teens can get some much needed down time right now. Let’s encourage that and allow them to figure out new things they might want to try or new ways to connect with friends.

If you are struggling in parenting your teen or your teen is struggling, please reach out for help! We are offering video therapy sessions throughout CA and have openings for new clients today!

Parenting Teens Tip #1: Connection First

3/10/2020

As our readers may have noticed, I have been particularly focused on writing about parenting teens recently. While there are many reasons for this, including my passion for supporting teens and their parents, another reason is that teens are often particularly difficult to parent. So, the next part of our blog series is going to address just this topic.

Each week I will share a tip in detail about how to parent your teen more effectively.

Today, I want to share more about the foundation of parenting a teen (at least in my eyes). To me, the most crucial part of parenting teens is that you lead with your connection and relationship with them. As a therapist who specializes in teens, I can’t tell you how often teens complain that their parents seem to only care about what they are doing, rather than who they are and what they are learning about themselves.

I believe that the most important tip I can give parents is to work hard to connect with your teen in a subtle but present way.

This is one of those areas that can be so tricky to get right, but very valuable if you can manage it! See, I know that teens are super prickly people and one day they want to hang with you all the time and think you are actually not a horrible person. And then the next, they seem like they hate you. It is so hard both to receive this inconsistent feedback but to also manage your own emotions and reactions in the relationship with them. Especially if you are parenting a teen who is more difficult than you were yourself as a teen. This inconsistency can just be so frustrating and hard to relate to if your own transition to adulthood was a bit smoother.

I want to mention that it is actually an important developmental step for teens to start pushing their parents away. This is all a part of them individuating and becoming their own people who will move out of your home (on the particularly prickly days I am sure this is a goal you can get behind!). It is totally normal for your teen to vary daily in how much they want you involved in their life and totally normal for you to feel frustrated by this inconsistency. However, it is crucial to try and handle your feelings about this privately as teens do not often respond well to their parents telling them just how difficult they are making their lives. Teens are pretty self-centered (we call it ego-centric) by nature and this is a part of their brain development to be that way. So, they really aren’t going to relate much to their parents’ experiences particularly if their parents are sharing their experiences in any way that sounds like a guilt trip or like it is all about them!

So, how do I connect in a subtle but present way? Let’s call this one, the 3 C’s:

Consistency – This one might seem kind of basic but pretty much you just need to consistently show up for them. Be there to watch their sports when you can or to drive them places. Perhaps you set up a weekly “date” where you always get a coffee, brunch, or dinner together. Maybe you watch a show or series together. Find things you like doing together and do them together consistently. Even when your teen pushes you away, just continuing to offer and show up for them will matter.

Caring – Even when teens are super grumpy and difficult to be around, maybe even especially during those times, they want you to care. And they want to know that you do care. Showing that you care by genuinely listening to their stories and what they are into lately or by doing little things that the like (making their favorite food perhaps) is a great way to connect with them.

Compassion – Teens love to feel heard and supported. When they are sharing a story about anything that has them kind of fired up (maybe a friend who is being difficult or the meanest coach or the worst teacher – hopefully you get the idea here), parents often lean hard into teaching mode. I want you to lean into connection through being compassionate. Saying things like, “that does sound hard,” or “I’m sure I would be struggling in that situation as well” will help. Always try to lead with compassion and tying to see where your teen is coming from rather than giving a lecture or considering the moment a “teachable moment”. Only if you are in a good place in your relationship in the moment would I ever sharer advice or suggestions to help them and even then, I would offer it. Say, “do you want my opinion on what would be helpful” and if they say no, honor their request and keep your valuable advice to yourself. Teens learn through doing so sometimes letting them figure things out is actually the best way anyways.

What do I do if my teen keeps pushing me away?

I don’t know if I can underline or say this enough. Just keep showing up. Be there, present in a caring way but not overbearing. If they get in the car with you and don’t want to talk, see if they want to just listen to music or allow them to be quiet. I have found that parents are often so interested in connecting that they don’t give their teens enough space. This is a crucial part of parenting teens, showing up to connect through consistent, caring, and compassionate parenting but also letting the teen guide things a bit.

If they want to talk about anything, I would listen. And don’t lecture. Just listen and keep all your super helpful parenting advice to yourself sometimes. If they don’t want to talk, give them space. Don’t force it as that rarely works at this age. Let them know you are there and you care and all the times you have listened and connected using the tips I’ve already shared, will lead them to want to share with you sometimes. Remember, it is totally normal and natural for teens to have secrets and boundaries and to share limited info with parents. That’s okay. Just try to be there for them as best you can while you meander this often difficult road to adulthood.

If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! We love talking about how to increase positive connections between teens and their parents.

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

Increased Anxiety and Fear for Teens (Parenting Teens Blog Series)

2/26/2020

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

For several months now, our blog has focused on helping parents understand just what it might be like for their teens to well, be a teen in our current culture. I truly hope that by discussing what I am observing in my office week in and week out can be helpful to illuminate just how challenging it can be to grow up in our modern world. While in some ways, teens lives seem so much easier due to technology, I am of the belief that they are also so much more challenging for the exact same reason!

Just to review a bit, we have discussed the following topics:

Information Overload
Less Down Time
Being Easily Frustrated
Social Media
Competitive Climate
Pressure of College Admissions
Increased Anxiety and Fear in Parenting
Focus on Happiness and Achievement

While I know it might seem excessive to go over this again, I wanted to note that each of these challenges are contributing to the increased anxiety and fear that parents feel BUT ALSO THAT SAME ANXIETY AND FEAR TEENS ARE FEELING. We are seeing record numbers of anxiety in teens currently as well as rates of depression and other mental health challenges. As someone whose life’s work has become about supporting teens and their parents, this is something that I find quite concerning.

Parents seem concerned about this situation as well, particularly the ones I talk to and work with at our office. While I appreciate their concern and suggestions that their children need more “coping skills,” I would argue that they need much much more than that. Our teens need a world where it is expected and understood that they will mess up sometimes. Parents are often in my office trying to figure out how to direct their children, or discipline them, into making only the right choices without realizing that it is normal for all of us to screw up sometimes. Mistakes are where the learning is, particularly for teens who often learn best by doing rather than thinking.

I suggest that we as a culture, and in our families, learn to embrace and celebrate mistakes and challenges that come up. The more we can encourage our children to take big risks and leaps, even if they might miss the mark, the better. This allows them to get hands on learning about how to handle disappointment, failure, and errors of their own judgment. If our teens and children are buffered from actually experiencing failures or challenge, but they hear all about how their lives could be forever impacted by mistakes or “wrong” choices in high school, this only sets the stage for a lifetime of fearing failure and experiencing anxiety. We need to communicate to them that it is okay to struggle and to fail as well as to make the wrong choices. While we will still hold them accountable for their choices, we can also love and support them through the process of repairing mistakes and relationships. This real life learning about our own humanity is much more valuable than any concrete list of coping skills I can provide.

If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! We love talking about how to reduce feelings of fear and anxiety around parenting.

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

Increased Anxiety and Fear in Parenting (Parenting Teens Blog Series)

2/20/2020

So far in this blog series, I have talked a lot about what teens are struggling with. I wanted to take some time to also give context to what I see parents struggling with. I see so many parents making decisions from a place of anxiety and fear for their children. We fear that something is going to happen to them to hurt them. We fear that they are somehow not cut out to make it in our world. We see the world as both more competitive but also more dangerous and look at our children and are riddled with anxiety that they are just not going to be okay. That bad things might happen to them. They might not get into a good enough college. They might get hurt sometime. They will find out that they are not good enough for some things despite their best efforts. And the list goes on and on and on…

We are parenting from a scared and anxious place and I have to say, this is what I see as most harmful for the upcoming generation. You see, our kids sense what we really think and believe about them. If we don’t think they are capable, you bet we are communicating that in ways we don’t even realize and it is impacting their thoughts about their abilities as well as their desire to take chances. If we have limiting beliefs about our children, unfortunately they are likely to have them as well.

As the mother of a toddler as well as a psychologist who has spent my career so far working with children, teens, their parents, and families as a whole – I am so grateful for what I have learned. I have learned that it is better to parent from a place of faith and courage. We need to communicate to our kids that we believe in them, even when we are terrified that they might mess up or get their hearts broken. We need to communicate to our kids that it is okay to completely screw something up, fall down, and make a mess of things as that is often our path towards learning. We need to celebrate mistakes, failures, and terrible days as the chaos that brings change and learning in our lives and teach our kids that nothing comes to those who are comfortable and not challenged.

I have to say that this is TOUGH stuff for us parents. Living in the information overload age, particularly with such a huge focus on what parents are doing or not doing, it is hard not to feel that we need to do SO much for our kids. We need to praise them in a certain way otherwise they will be messed up for life. We need to feed them all the right foods, or they will be messed up for life. And the list just goes on and on about how we as parents hold so much power. This is why parenting feels so relentless for us and is leading to parents struggling to let go and let their kids live their lives.

Unfortunately, while I don’t believe in being super passive and laissez faire as parents, I do think we are overdoing it. And while we overdo it, we communicate the hidden fears and anxiety that underlies our tendency to do everything for our kids. And what we tell our kids is that we don’t think they can do it themselves. We don’t think they are going to be okay. We are worried about them and if they can handle this world of ours. Sometimes we even expect them to prove themselves before we give them responsibilities. Like we want our kids to show us they can pay rent on time, do their laundry, eat balanced meals, etc. before they can move out. Interestingly, many of them probably need to move out and see what it is like to make those mistakes and not do any of that so that they can figure out just how important those parts of life are. Many of us learn as we live, rather than learn before we live. Our teens are not different but they are lacking the confidence that they can figure things out. Which is sadly leading them to be more anxious, stressed, sad, and honestly terrified of being adults.

One thing parents can do to help them is to just release some of their own fear. We need to accept that we just can’t protect our kids from the world, or from themselves and their mistakes. They are going to screw up, get hurt, fall down, and make mistakes. Some of them will be big. It is my belief though that the sooner we let them start this process of messing up, the odds are better that their mistakes will be manageable and that they will learn some resilience along the way. This will help them when the mistakes are bigger and the risks riskier – if we have experience picking ourselves up and repairing mistakes from our childhood, we will be better suited to do this when we need to as adults too.

I am of the belief that we are raising independent humans that are their own people. Our jobs are really to love them, try to understand them, and encourage them to seek out the life they want. They are a story waiting to unfold, not a blank canvas that we get to paint.

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

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By: CanvasRebel This is an excerpt from an interview between our founder, Dr. Erica Wollerman, and CanvasRebel. To read the interview in full, check it out here!

We also wanted to share with you some pictures of our updated office! We have expanded our office space so that we can better serve our community, increase our in person session offerings, and further grow our team! Check them out below!

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Blogs from the Thrive Family!

Categories

Archives

Call Today! 858-342-1304

Contact Us

By: CanvasRebel
This is an excerpt from an interview between our founder, Dr. Erica Wollerman, and CanvasRebel. To read the interview in full, check it out here!

We also wanted to share with you some pictures of our updated office! We have expanded our office space so that we can better serve our community, increase our in person session offerings, and further grow our team!

Check them out below!