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 Every blog that I write lately, I want to begin with both - how is it already August but also, what a long year 2020 has become. It truly has just been such a challenge for all of us and while each of our storms is slightly different, we have all certainly been in a storm of some kind these days. For many of us, we may be trying to cope by using various methods of self-care like exercise, sleeping, baking, cooking, hobbies, cleaning, etc. Some people may be wondering why they are doing all of these things if they don’t seem to have lasting change and results in terms of “feeling better.” The layers of challenge that we have all been faced with are so immense that I think it is worth mentioning that while self-care can help us tolerate and get through and cope with our situations, it is not going to alleviate all of our suffering and emotional discomfort or pain during a situation like this. The truth is that while self-care has been touted as the new “be all end all” of solutions to help us cope, it is a term that seems to also be synonymous with “not feeling upset anymore, not struggling, not being so darn tired, etc.” Unfortunately, while coping skills and self-care strategies are helpful, they are band-aids when the real problem we are dealing with is living lives that are not sustainable for one reason or another. Unfortunately, no amount of self care will take away the discomfort we feel from living lives that are not sustainable. The unsustainable status of your life might be because of impossible expectations of yourself or others, the heaviness of our current social and political climate, declining health of yourself or a family member, or living without an alignment of your values and actions. Coping skills and self care are a bandaid meant to reduce intensity of symptoms so that you are able to do the work that is needed to make real change in your life. This is the thing that many of us get entirely wrong about self-care or coping strategies - they are not the solution in and of themselves. They are just there to help the pain you are in be less acute so that you can address the root causes of the pain. If you’ve been trying to fix things and feel less through self care or coping skills, you’re not doing it wrong. But you’re not feeling better because you’ve got more work ahead of you. The work is in the incredibly intense and sometimes painful but also keenly rewarding work of taking a deep, long look at your life and exploring what is working for you and what is not. This requires exploring yourself, your patterns, how you cope, what you react to, and what your underlying beliefs, assumptions, expectations, and values are both of yourself and of others. While this process is intense and difficult, it is no less intense or difficult than repeatedly trying to push away feelings that come up when our lives are out of balance and alignment. In order to try to figure out what is going on for you, it helps to take some space to either journal, meditate, or maybe take some time for personal reflection through reading personal growth journeys or books. You could also do this kind of work with a therapist. Often, our job is to help our clients communicate and identify their beliefs and values and hold up a mirror to help them see their life with more clarity. With that clarity and a judgment free space like our office, our clients are better able to make changes to help them feel better longer term. If you're reading this and wondering how to gain clarity about your values and how they are influencing your choices, try out the following activities:
The more we can learn to connect our day to day choices with our values and how we are living our lives, the more we can either notice that we are living consistent with our intentional values and goals or that we are not. If you aren’t finding your values line up with your choices, this consciousness can help you find small ways to make changes. If you feel frustrated often or like you are being too hard on yourself or your loved ones:
I hope this is helpful to you! I know it can be difficult to put a lot of effort into trying to cope differently and more effectively but to also not actually feel that it is helpful. I am hoping these strategies will be more beneficial in the long run even though they take more time in the short term! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman  As a therapist, the topic of failure comes up often in my work both with adults and with children/teens and their families. Over time, the topic of failure and redefining failure has become something that I am very passionate about. Part of this comes from my own personal history, as well as from my work with those grappling with their fears of failure or experiences they believe are failures. Personally, I like to say that I am a “recovering perfectionist” because, well I work hard to defeat some of my perfectionistic tendencies, one of which is to fear and avoid failure. As a child, I often felt like a failure simply because I viewed myself in many ways as not good enough. This feeling was deeply connected, as perfectionism often is, to a deeper, underlying feeling of shame. Interestingly, the experiences that I have had through my life that have allowed me to grow and really work on my perfectionism, shame, and fear of failure have been horribly painful and difficult at the time. At times, I believe that I have most certainly failed during these experiences and while I would not necessarily “choose” them again, I can reflect on the growth and understanding they have brought to my life and believe they were worth it. I find that these are also the experiences that allow me to relate so much with my clients. So many of my lovely, amazing clients have experienced the same feelings and fears of failure and these experiences have allowed me to grow into the therapist that I am, who can hopefully support and help them through these feelings and fears because I have truly been there. Walking with my clients through this experience is still one of the most profound experiences I have in my work. So, that is a bit of the long, and personal, story of why I am passionate about redefining failure. I believe that if more of us believed that failure was an essential part of life, that it is productive and helpful, and not the worst thing in the world – we would as a whole be happier, more productive, and more resilient to deal with our failures. The truth is, we are all flawed as humans and we are going to fail and screw up and totally miss the mark sometimes. Isn’t it time that we accepted that and moved on rather than continued to punish and blame ourselves for our failures? I love this quote by Michael Jordan where he talks about his failures and how they ultimately led to his successes. So often, it is the failure that leads us to success and there are so many famous stories that show this. So, how can we as flawed humans view failure differently? I believe that we can think about and talk about failure differently for a start in the right direction. For example, we can look for the lesson and the opportunity to grow in every failure. I imagine that when Michael Jordan missed game winning shots, he spent very little time belaboring the pain of the miss and more time evaluating what could have been different and what he needed to learn to do better next time. If we start looking at every failure as an opportunity to learn something crucial for our success, it will likely feel differently and a lot less scary. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.  By: Panicha Sillapawatayanon, M.A. We live in a world saturated with insta-models, selfies, filters, and fillers. There is a growing number of teenage girls and young women that are unhappy with the way they look and feel. According to research, self-esteem for girls continues to decline during their teenage years. Self-esteem is the way we feel about ourselves, and with high self-esteem comes behaviors that clearly reflect them. Teenagers with high self-esteem will be able to tolerate frustration, manage their emotions, take pride in their accomplishments, become independent, and assume responsibility. On the other hand, teenagers, particularly girls, with lower self-esteem become vulnerable to the ideal body image portrayed by the media, develop social anxiety, depression, and have difficulty managing their emotions. Low self-esteem can easily carry into adulthood and interfere with future relationships and a life that is both healthy and fulfilling.
It’s time to focus on shaping our daughters into strong, independent women who will exude confidence and take over the world. So, what can parents do to encourage their daughters to build confidence in their abilities? Here are a few ways you can start planting seeds of positive self-esteem in your daughter today: 1.Model self-acceptance Use yourself as a role-model for positive self-image. Asking questions such as “Does this make me look fat?” or putting your own image down can have a huge image on your own daughter’s self-image. Lead by example. Practice daily affirmations and refrain from comparisons and self-criticisms. This will help give yourself a self-esteem boost too. Be supportive and not critical, simply listen to what they have to say instead of giving your opinion. Believe it or not, they actually listen to what you are saying! 2.Praise her abilities and not her looks It’s very easy to fall into praising how beautiful she is, or how gorgeous her luscious locks look. Our culture has trained us to praise girls on their appearance but not their abilities. Challenge yourself to compliment your daughter on her abilities twice as much as you compliment her on her appearance. Perhaps praise her on her achievements, skills, and talents. Remember, it’s what she DOES that really matters. Bonus points if you do the same with all the other girls (nieces, your daughter’s friends, other women in the family). 3.Let her have a say If want our daughters to be a good decision maker in that executive position then she will need practice. Let her have a say in appropriate decision-making matters whether it is about how to divide up the chores or how to spend family vacation time. It’s not about giving free reign, but it’s about involving them in making a decision and learning how to deal with the consequences. Teach her that her opinions matter. Teach her howto think and not whatto think. 4.Paddling her own canoe This goes along with giving your daughter a say in decision making matters. Help her build resilience for life’s later challenges by letting her struggle but empathizing with her when she faces the consequences. If you create a perfect utopia of a childhood, she will have a difficult time handling adversity. Girls are often portrayed as a damsel in distress, or a princess that needs saving. It’s important for her to know she’s capable of dealing with difficult situations on her own and you will be there to support her in the aftermath. Remember it’s about finding her own way, not having her own way. 5.Physical Activity She doesn’t have to learn how to surf or take up horse-riding (well unless she wants to!). Exercising is a great way to increase feel-good hormones such as endorphins. It could be as simple as taking a walk or going hiking together. Taking care of your own body teaches self-respect. It’ll also give you a chance to take care of yourself as well. It’s impossible to be an unwavering and confident woman all the time, but you can start showing your daughter how to love and care for herself by trying some of the ideas above. Raising a confident young woman is a long-term process. We’ve been instilled to speak or behave a certain way, so it’s okay if some days you accidently say things like “boys will be boys” or “that’s more ladylike”. Don’t give up! Perhaps practice some of these things for yourself first before you use them with your daughter (it’ll be a confidence booster, get it?). Thrive Therapy Studio is now offering a Teen Girls Anxiety group. Topics of interest include perfectionism, school and social challenges, managing stress, and expectations. Check out the group description here. Call us today to reserve a spot for your teen daughter! If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanMaking the decision to start therapy for your child or teen is usually a pretty difficult one for parents riddled with concerns about a variety of things… Does this mean something is “wrong” with my child? Will my child think something is wrong with them? Are they just going to complain about me? Will therapy even help them with the things I want it to help them with? And the list goes on, and on, and on!
As a child/teen therapist, I get these questions a lot and while I understand where the questions come from and the concerns parents have, I as a therapist am also, unsurprisingly, pretty pro-therapy. I believe that any and all of us can benefit from therapy and that going to therapy does not mean that anything is necessarily “wrong” with us or with our lives. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore ourselves, our lives, our reactions, and can provide us with a supportive person to walk with us through life’s challenges. I also think that children and teens respond particularly well to having an unbiased adult in their lives who can talk through situations and challenges in a way that parents, coaches, and teachers just can’t. So, I generally think that anytime is a good time to start therapy, but I thought a nice list of reasons to start might help parents make this decision!
As I mentioned previously, as a therapist, I am definitely pro-therapy as you may have noticed through this blog! I will always recommend that it is better to call in and talk with a therapist about your family, child, or teen and see if they think therapy could be beneficial, rather than wait and let problems or challenges manifest into more problems or challenges. However, it is important to note that at my office, we are conservative in diagnosing children and teens (meaning we do not jump quickly to labeling and diagnosing unless those diagnoses are truly warranted) and that we will let you know if we feel your child or teen does not need services. So, just because you make the call as a parent, does not mean that you are signing your child or teen up for a lifetime of therapy!! If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. |
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Thrive Therapy Studio Therapists Offer Child, Teen, Adult, Marriage and Family Psychotherapy Counseling Services in San Diego, California.
