|
|
Our final therapist post is about Jennifer Gonzalez, LMFT 98444 who has been working with Thrive for almost 7 years! Jennifer is incredibly passionate about working with teens and their parents, but also has a specialty in working with parents individually. Not only does she do an amazing job supporting her clients, but she also works with me on supervising our team and helping to lead them clinically. If you have the rare opportunity to work with Jennifer (as her schedule is rarely open), I think you are in great hands!  Who do you LOVE working with? I enjoy working with clients of all ages! However, I am particularly interested in tweens and teens as I believe adolescence is the most challenging and complicated stage in a person’s life! As a therapist, I love having the opportunity to support my client’s identity development, interpersonal challenges, and social and emotional health. Also, due to my many years of experience working with adolescents, I have also developed a passion for working with their parents. My unique insight into this stage of development helps support parents' goals of raising healthy and autonomous individuals. What should potential clients know about you and your style in therapy? I utilize various evidence-based therapeutic modalities as I believe the therapeutic approach should meet the client’s needs, not vice versa. In treatment, I always operate under a trauma-informed and culturally sensitive lens. What is your favorite parenting tip or recommendation? Although not the only form of communication, words matter. Even when you think that your child is not listening, they are. The best way to teach your child positive behaviors is by role modeling, but you are also human, and you might not get it right every time. You are also learning with your child, so if you notice that your emotions are intensifying and might dictate your reaction, take some space and walk away rather than saying things you may not mean or want to say. What advice would you like to have received when you were younger? Expressing sadness is not a sign of weakness. I was raised in a culture that values strength and promotes the “fake it until you make it” mentality. Just because you are not doing or feeling well does not mean that you have to act like everything is fine. Feel all of your feelings. This will create opportunities to learn more about yourself and how to cope better. What do you like to do in your free time? I am an avid traveler. The best way to experience culture is by visiting the place of origin. One of the best learning experiences is cultural shock, as this provides a unique opportunity to question everything you know and perhaps change your perspective for the better. I think this has made me a more well-rounded therapist, so I can better understand and serve my clients. At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with Jennifer Gonzalez, or another Thrive therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. Next up we have Kimberly Macias! She is an associate professional clinical counselor (APCC 5752), working with our clinical supervisor, Jennifer Gonzalez (LMFT 98444). Kim is really talented at finding solution focused ways to help her clients, even the youngest kids she works with. She loves working with parents and is truly an amazing resource for families who want to blend learning tools to help their children and time to process the challenges they are experiencing.  Who do you LOVE working with? I love working with clients from all walks of life, from children to adults and everything in between. I love working with clients to build confidence and self-esteem, and I love being able to help clients meet their goals. What should potential clients know about you and your style in therapy? I strive to provide a warm and nurturing space for you to identify your needs and goals. I approach therapy as a partnership between me and my clients to help you reach your goals, and I strive to create a space where you can be yourself. What is your favorite parenting tip or recommendation? I always recommend that parents spend time one-on-one with their children where the child gets to pick the activity. You may be surprised by what they choose! And it's a great way to show how special they and their interests are to you. What advice would you like to have received when you were younger? I would have liked to hear, and I want everyone to know, that it is okay to ask for help when you need it. There is nothing wrong with seeking the help you need, and it's the first step on the journey to better mental health. What do you like to do in your free time? I am a big book nerd and love to read. I also like to explore the city with my family, try new foods, and see new places. At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with Kimberly Macias, or another Thrive therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
One of the most challenging things parents can deal with is their child struggling with school. Perhaps it is due to their executive functioning challenges, another mental or physical health diagnosis, or a learning disability. It could even just be that they do not have a particular aptitude for a subject, such as math or reading. Something I notice often in my work with children and teens is that parents are not always equipped to support their child who is struggling in this way.
It truly can be complicated as we want to empower our children to believe they can overcome challenges, but we also need to recognize that the challenges do exist in a very real way. Unfortunately, our academic systems are inherently ableist, and instead of our children knowing that they are doing the best they can in a system that is not designed for their needs, they believe they are “stupid, dumb, not good enough, etc.” As parents, it is crucial that we find a way to talk with them candidly about these experiences so that they can develop a healthier internal narrative. Here are nine tips to help you do just that: 1. Identify, Address, and Understand Learning Gaps To help your child, you will need to know what they are experiencing and struggling with if you do not already know. This means seeking professional support and possibly even an evaluation outside the school system to have a more thorough diagnosis. Once you know their challenges, seek further professional support, whether privately or through their school district. Even more, do your research to help yourself understand what their diagnosis means for them and what it means for you in terms of how you might need to support them. 2. Encourage a Growth Mindset: A growth mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication and hard work rather than innate ability. It is the idea of something not happening “yet” instead of “not ever possible.” For example, if your child struggles with reading, it is the ability to view that situation as temporary and something to work on. A skill that has not been developed yet, rather than that the child is “not capable of reading.” When their learning experiences are challenging, help your child persevere by emphasizing that mistakes are a crucial part of learning and not indicative of a problem with them or their capability. 3. Shift their narrative As a parent, if you get the sense that your child believes they are inherently unable to do something, work to help them shift their narrative to something more productive. For example, sharing with them that, at times, they are being compared to older peers or that their brain is just not ready to learn whatever they are learning. As adults, we can give them the perspective that things are hard to understand sometimes, and that does not have to mean anything negative about them. 4. Celebrate Small Victories For kids that struggle more than the average child, it can be extremely helpful for their parents to help them acknowledge and celebrate their victories, no matter how small. 5. Break Tasks into Manageable Steps For kids who struggle with learning disorders or executive functioning issues, it is essential to help them learn how to break tasks down so that they are less overwhelming. Schools often help with this, but it is important to help them at home too. Even with something as simple as cleaning up their room - help them identify one part or category of item to clean up first to help it feel less challenging. 6. Incorporate Learning through Play As I probably mention too often, play is how our children learn. No matter their strengths and weaknesses, play can be key to helping a child learn something they are struggling with academically. You could engage your child in educational games, activities, puzzles, etc. The goal is to make learning more enjoyable so they feel less negatively about school and educational activities. 7. Create a Quiet Study Environment Most children need a space without distractions and noise to study and complete their homework. This space is even more important for children who struggle academically. Make sure the area where they study is consistently available to them and that they have a consistent routine to complete academic tasks. 8. Encourage Your Child to Ask for Help Teach your child that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Encourage them to ask questions in class, seek clarification from teachers, or request assistance from peers. While it can be hard for a child who is struggling and may feel like asking for help just shows everyone else how much they struggle, it can be a huge source of support. Knowing when and how to seek help is an important skill that fosters academic growth and self-assurance. 9. Offer Unconditional Support Above all, let your child know that you love and support them unconditionally, regardless of their academic performance. Remind them that their value extends far beyond their grades and that you are proud of their efforts and progress. You can enhance this by ensuring you ask them about more than the areas they are struggling in. Connect about their interests and passions and have no more than weekly conversations about potential challenges academically and how they are navigating them. A loving and understanding support system can work wonders in boosting a struggling student's confidence. In sum, boosting academic confidence in kids who struggle academically requires patience, understanding, and a positive approach. It can also require parents to work on shifting their ideas around school, success, and capability. The more I have worked with individual clients who have academic struggles, the more I have realized that our educational systems are inherently flawed and ableist in nature. If we can share this with our children, they can begin to see potential issues they are having as a product of their learning style with their environment rather than their internal flaws (like being “stupid” or “lazy”). If we can avoid our children internalizing their challenges, they are much more likely to find their path to success!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
As summer winds down, I wanted to share some ideas for embracing and enjoying the last days of summer fully. Particularly as the back-to-school season is so busy for families, I thought it would be nice to set some bucket list goals for these next few weeks! The more we focus on enjoying the present moments with our kids, the more we can soak up the enjoyable memories of this time, and then hopefully, this can help ease our eventual transition into school and Fall!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Welcome to our final blog in this series! In this blog series, we discussed what it means to be an over-functioning parent, the impact on your children, and how to work to correct this dynamic. What I plan to discuss today is possibly the most important, how to manage your feelings in this whole process.
As mentioned previously, parents are not engaging in this pattern of doing too much for their kids because they want to teach the kids that they are incapable. They want their children to be capable, often desperately, but generally fear the potential negative consequences of failure for their children or even themself. Parents might also sometimes believe it is their job or responsibility to do so much for their kids. So it makes perfect sense that this is an emotional situation for the parents and the kids. As parents, we often manage our fears about our child’s uncertain future by doing things for them and making sure they are “on top of it.” Children can come to rely on others doing things for them and engage more passively with life to avoid challenges. So, how can you manage your feelings while you engage in this process of reducing over-involvement as a parent? Again, this is not an easy task, but it is imperative in terms of helping your child and yourself.
Keep in mind that we are parenting in a time that is just wild. The expectations of us and our children are astronomically high and honestly, most of us will do some things well and others poorly. That is okay. The more we have realistic expectations for ourselves and our kids, the more they can have more realistic expectations of themselves and their lives as well. While it can be hard to manage our emotional reactions to shifting our involvement with our kids, it is also often hard for our children initially. They usually become upset, possibly anxious, dysregulated, or say all kinds of things such as “Why aren’t you helping me? Don’t you love me?” For a parent, this is challenging as it often indicates that their child is not ready for the task. Usually, this is actually not the case; it is just their reaction to change and an expression of their own fear, frustration, or panic. It is crucial for a parent to not only manage their fears internally about changing patterns but to believe in the plan of change so much that they can manage their response effectively to their child’s upset and possible outbursts. The best way to do this is by using the information shared in the second blog in this series. We need to communicate to our children that we believe in them and their ability to overcome the challenges in their way. Remind them that we are here to help, but only after they try themselves and if they truly need it. Practice the following phrases to use in these times when you or your child are distressed:
I hope you enjoyed this blog series and digging a bit deeper into the patterns around over-functioning. If you are a parent identifying with this pattern, please know there is no judgment here. I know it comes from a place of care, love for your child, and desire for them to be okay. It’s a beautiful expression of love, though it is unhelpful. I believe you can learn to respond differently to your child and that they can handle everything in their way! If you need further support around these kinds of parenting shifts or your child’s challenges, please do not hesitate to reach out to us at Thrive! We are here to help!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You don’t want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
3 Part Blog Series About Over-Functioning Parents
Part #2 So you are an over-functioning parent. What now? Welcome back to our three-part blog series about over-functioning parents. Last week, we discussed what over-functioning is and how it impacts children. This week, we will discuss what to do if you want to change this dynamic in your family. The first step is to have a conversation with your child about what you have realized. Depending on the age of your child, you could talk to them about this situation in a variety of ways, but usually, it will sound something like this: “I love you so much. Unfortunately, because I worry about the future, I have been doing way too much for you. And this might make you feel like you are not able to do things on your own, which is not at all the case. I believe in you and your ability to manage things more independently. Moving forward, I am going to stop doing so much for you so that you can learn how to do it on your own. I am still here, and I love you. I believe you can do everything I ask of you.” You can add examples or specific areas you are going to work on reducing your involvement in or even other phrases such as, “I know you can cope with things on your own without texting me from school” or “I know you will figure out a way to wake yourself up in the morning.” The most important thing is to communicate to your child that you have been making a mistake, and that has led to their feelings of incapability. And that you believe you were wrong because they are much more capable than you taught them to believe! For this to be a truly corrective experience and productive conversation, you need to be prepared to take full responsibility for this dynamic. Keep in mind that your child already feels like they are doing everything wrong and are not capable. So your job now is to acknowledge that you are the reason they feel this way and that you will work to help shift this pattern because it is your responsibility to do so and not theirs. This acknowledgment is the first step to changing this dynamic and helping them build feelings of capability. The next part is the hardest, as you have to actually pull back your support. Here are some examples of what this might look like:
I could go on, but mostly the idea is to observe how you solve problems for your child and stop doing it. I know it sounds basic and also quite risky, especially if your child is older, but kids who have yet to learn to solve their own problems just do not do as well in college and later in life. As parents, we need to raise our kids to know their abilities and when to ask for help. Stepping in before they even ask for help or know they need it is not teaching them any of this. It teaches them to be passive and wait for a rescue rather than be proactive problem solvers. Be prepared that your child will likely not seamlessly transition to independence once you pull back your support. They might kick, scream, pout, ask why you don’t love them anymore, ask why you don’t want to help them, or even just fail at whatever it is you were helping them with in the past. This reaction is okay. I know that sounds really callous, but it genuinely is okay. Your child needs to experience challenges to figure out how to overcome them, which is part of their path towards independence. All of this will likely make you feel very uncomfortable, even anxious. I can tell you that this is perfectly normal and almost expected. Every time I have had this conversation with parents in my office, they look at me like I have lost my mind. “Erica, you expect me just to sleep and know my 16-year-old hasn’t done their homework?” And to that, I answer ABSOLUTELY. I expect you to do just that so that you are not more invested in the outcomes of their education than they are. You see, not only does our emotional investment and over-involvement lead to kids who feel incapable or even anxious, but it can also lead them not to care as much as we do. Simply, in the kids’ eyes, it becomes less of a “me thing” and more of a “you thing.” This point of view, unfortunately, leads some kids to become less motivated or interested in their activities or school. Any of these outcomes - anxious and stressed out kids who feel incapable or kids who appear completely uninterested in goals/school/future types of things which also feel incapable - are not helpful in our goal of raising independent people! For the final part of our blog series next week, I will share ideas about how to cope with the challenging emotions this process might bring up for you. You don’t want to miss it!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You will want to be a part of this!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
I’ve been thinking about the idea of “over-functioning” often recently as it is a huge topic in my office and many of the therapist and mom podcasts I listen to. I have been mulling over the dynamic of over-functioning and how this impacts children, particularly when a parent is an over-functioner.
First, what is an over-functioner? Someone who falls into this pattern will likely feel that they need to do everything all the time for everyone around. This feeling usually results from how they have learned to cope with anxiety and naturally deal with anxiety, stress, or overwhelming situation by taking action rather than falling apart. Similar to perfectionism or being a high performer, which has traits often associated with over-functioners, this is not all negative by any means. There are significant strengths to over-functioning, perfectionism, and high performance. There are also significant challenges and a huge cost to the person living at an unsustainable pace all the time, which is often burnout. People who are over-functioning often take on more than they should of the responsibilities around them, at work and home. This can lead others to feel less capable in comparison. They might think, “Since I can’t even do half as much as they can, I must not be as good or capable as they are.” Unfortunately, the conclusion is often that they will never be able to do things as well as the other person and stop trying. This conclusion is clearly frustrating for the person who has more things on their plate, but they have a role to play here too. Often, if the other person tries to help with something but does not do it as well or the same as the person who is in the role of over-functioning, someone may criticize. This assumption becomes a negative feedback loop for the other person and for the over-functioner, where both people end up feeling that one of them is more capable than the other. Just imagine the impact on a work team or in a marriage. Unfortunately, this pattern has a similar impact on children. If a parent is always stepping in for a child and doing things for them, even if they can do it themselves, it will give that child the message that they are less capable. Sometimes, it leads to a feeling that they are less competent and incapable, especially for kids who are aware of their parent’s efforts and how much they do for them. In my office, this has sounded like the following:
If some of these phrases resonate with you, you might have taken on an over-functioning role in your family. Since we all want to raise children who are capable and independent, that might be hard to recognize as, unfortunately, your best intentions are getting in the way of your child’s development. The good news is that you can work through all of this! I won’t even begin to say that this will be easy because these dynamics are often rooted in deep feelings about a parents’ role, fears about a child’s ability to “make it,” and confusion related to what parents are responsible for. While it is not easy, it is well worth trying to shift this dynamic to help your child. Read on next week to learn more about how to adjust this dynamic in your family!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Parents of young children are probably so familiar with the advice that they should play with their kids. We call it quality time, special time, playtime, etc. Often it probably just feels like one more thing we need to do in addition to all the other demands on modern parents, which is genuinely hard to feel motivated about.
I get it! Just the other day, I was inside cleaning up while my partner and son were outside playing with their new water toys having a pretty epic water fight. In fact, my decision to join their fun (because, well, why not?) led to this very blog post. You see, while I really didn’t “feel like it,” I did go and join my family. And honestly, I got drenched but had the best time laughing and just playing with them. It reminded me of how much I love playing with my son and laughing together as a family. In this age of being so busy and over-scheduled all the time, I believe these are the moments we need and help fuel us for the tougher ones we all have. Interestingly, I find that even parents who enjoyed playing with their kids when they were younger forget that this is an activity that can truly endure the test of time. Just because you have a pre-teen or a teen, or even a college kid, does not mean they are too old to play. More so, just because you are an adult does not mean you are too old to play - or even too old to benefit from it! You see, while many of us understand that play is the language of learning for young children, we forget that creativity and play are essential to people in general. Play is a great outlet, coping strategy, and genuine food for anyone’s soul. I find that adults are often so serious about everything, and we get so caught up in our seriousness that we forget the joy and in-the-moment energy that comes from play. As summer gets going, I would encourage you to take advantage of the summer weather and potential extra free time (I know, I know, it is not always a given, but often we have a little more flexibility in summer) and spend some time PLAYING with your kids. Here are FIVE ideas that might help you get started - even if your kid is a teen or young adult!
I truly hope you take the time to try this out with your kids, or heck, even alone or with a friend or partner today! We all could use more joy and moments where we just laugh for no reason at all. Play can help get us there :) Take it from me; a play therapist turned water-play-loving parent! If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You don’t want to miss it! At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
|
Blogs from the Thrive Family!Musings from Erica, Jennifer, Maria, Kim, Andrea, Molly, Abbey, and Ying-Ying Categories
All
Archives
November 2023
|
RSS Feed
