 By: Dr. Erica WollermanAs a therapist who specializes in working with kids, teens, parents, and families, I have noticed a growing and very concerning trend in my work. So many of the kids, teens, and even young adults that I work with are struggling with anxiety, crippling perfectionism, and so much self doubt that they struggle to do things they desperately want to be doing. At the root of so much of this are feelings of incompetence and a huge fear of failure. I have been contemplating this challenge and recent parenting trends and have noticed that this happens more in the families I work with where parents seem to be struggling to let their kids deal with things on their own. Unfortunately, these parents get kind of a bad rap as “helicopter” parents when in fact, they are parents who are simply struggling to know when it is appropriate to let their kid/teen/young adult fail or struggle through something. And the root of this struggle is usually so much love for their little one (who may not be so little anymore) as well as overwhelming fear about what might happen for their kid/teen/young adult if they do not participate so heavily in their lives. This fear is one most parents know well. What if they don’t get into a good college? What if they make choices that screw up their whole life? What if they do something I can’t help them undo? What if they can’t get a good job? And the list just goes on and on. As a result (I believe), we are overdoing it in the parenting department. We are rescuing our kids way too much and then we come to find that our kids seem to need to be rescued. Weird huh. When you look at what happens and what a person will think if they are being rescued from situations, it starts to make sense. When we rescue a person from a situation that they are either capable of handling on their own or almost capable of handling on their own, the message we are giving them is not one of their own ability but one of their need for us to handle things for them. We teach them that they need us and that they can’t do these things on their own. We teach them to ask for help before they need it, before problem solving on their own, and to at all costs avoid struggling with something. Instead, we need to give our kids the following kinds of messages by verbalizing them as well as by our actions in letting them handle most problems on their own:
I could go on and on but I won’t. The point is that we definitely need to help when it is needed. But we are so often confused about when it is needed that we are rescuing way too often, which is not helping our kids/teens/young adults develop into the independent and capable people that we know they are meant to be. I encourage you to trust yourself as a parent and trust your “little one,” however old they may be, that they can figure things out and will benefit from a little struggle and failure along the way. Just like most of us did on our way to becoming independent adults. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
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 By: Panicha McGuire, LMFT Free range parenting has been around for a long time, but recently has just caused a stir in the parenting world. In sum, free range parenting is the concept of raising children with unsupervised time. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t ever watch your children, but it means to not live in constant fear that something terrible will happen to them if you are not there. In your own childhood, your parent’s childhood, or even your grandparent’s childhood you may recall going to the store unattended, walking to your neighbor’s house alone three blocks down the street, taking public transportation alone, or walking home from school with your school friends. I’ve come to realize that parents are more afraid for their children than ever. But, it’s much more dangerous nowadays! Well, yes, and also no. We do have to be aware of things like online predators or media exposure, but remember we live in a culture that is also hyperaware. Everyday there is a story of abductions or missing children. It’s absolutely terrifying and if we see these stories in the media every day, it can feel like these situations happen all the time. And the next time you’re thinking if your child is safe walking over to their friend’s house, you think of these stories that you have seen on the news. We start to lose perspective of real dangers. We also live in a culture where parents are shamed if they let their child play in the backyard unsupervised because they aren’t “playing with their kid” or “aren’t using this time for something productive”. It’s also the same culture that invented child GPS watches and monitoring systems. If you’re into Black Mirroron Netflix, I recommend watching the Arkangel episode (disclaimer: this is dark). I remember growing up and playing unsupervised in the backyard of our home. I was told to not play close to the plants and watch out for the cactus (but what 7-year-old listens). Lo and behold, I had played too close to the cactus, fell on it, and got spikes all over my back which my grandpa had to help pull out with tweezers. But did I play near the plants again? Nope! Now this cactus story sounds less scary than letting your child ride the bus alone from school because it was contained in the backyard of my home. Although, I did do that too! I rode the metro home every day starting in 6thgrade after my mother had rode it with me enough times for me to get how it works. But I was also prepped with emergency cash and directions on what to do when I’m in real danger. And then I would stay home alone to do homework and play in the neighborhood until they would come home from work during dinner. So, should you just let your child roam free now? Not really, at least not yet. Especially when they haven’t been preparing for this. Free-range parenting has its praises and criticisms, but this article is more about your parenting instincts. You will know what your child is capable of doing, and letting them do it on their own will give them the challenge they need to grow. Letting your child do something unsupervised comes with patience and training. As a parent, you knew when your child was ready to cross the street without holding their hand because you knew you could trust them to look both ways. You coached them enough for them to be able to make a wise decision. One day, you decided you could let go of their hand because you noticed they were looking both ways. Everyone has an opinion on “how to parent”. You’ll always have someone giving their opinion on whether you’re letting your child walk too far away from you, or leaving them home alone (although, do check state laws on this one!). But the truth is not all families are the same, and all children have different temperaments and personalities, and so do their parents. You have to do what works for you and your child. And remember that it is okay for them to fail and learn from their own mistakes. You’re not a bad parent for doing so. It actually teaches them more independence and fosters their growth. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child, teen, or young adult psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanAt Thrive, we love supporting new and returning college students and young adults! For many, the process of moving towards independence from our parents can be really challenging but also exciting! The number of transitions faced by young adults can be so numerous – many are moving away from their parents for the first time, managing responsibilities that can feel overwhelming, balancing work and school perhaps for the first time, renting an apartment, trying to plan or start a career, entering into or leaving serious relationships, or starting a family. I remember while working at a college counseling center, just how often we talked with students about how all transitions, even positive ones, can be stressful and anxiety provoking. It really makes sense that during a time of so much transition, between the ages of 17-25 or so, having a supportive person to talk things through with can be so helpful. Here’s a list of 5 reasons why young adults LOVE coming to therapy. 1. Support! While most of us crave more independence as we near our adult years, it can also feel very lonely to be handling more things on your own as you age. Whether you live with your family or on your own, it can be difficult to feel supported especially if you are making more independent decisions. A therapist can help you feel that you have someone in your corner no matter what choices you make. 2. No judgment here Many people explore a lot of different ways of being in the world in their young adult years. This might include differing levels of partying, sexual encounters, risky choices in general, and varying interest in careers, work, and education. It is often difficult to talk with other friends about these experiences and most certainly can be difficult to talk with family about them! A therapist can provide a safe place to explore your choices while not feeling judged or controlled. 3. We are not your parent Many of us talk less to our parents while we start or continue the process of “launching” from their home. While this level of contact varies from person to person, it can be so helpful and reassuring to have another adult in your life who cares about you and can provide some level of advice and direction. While a therapist serves a much different role than a parent, we can help buffer the loneliness and challenge of navigating the world more independently. 4. Who am I? Where is my life headed? Therapists usually LOVE talking about identity and different paths people are going to take in their lives. This is a reason why young adults are so much fun for us to work with! Interestingly, we are not the only ones who love talking about these challenges! Our young adult clients usually want to explore them too and sometimes, it is better to do so in a space without parental involvement. Parents often have more emotional connection with their children’s development and goals which makes it difficult to give neutral feedback and space to make mistakes. We are here for you to sort things out and to walk with you no matter the choices or mistakes you may make! 5. Why me? I believe making meaning out of challenging life situations can be a reason many people love therapy but particularly our young adult clients appreciate having a space to process the challenges and difficult situations they face or have faced. We can help you make meaning and resolve challenges from your past so that you hopefully do not carry them as much into your future! While these are only a few reasons why young adults love working with our office, there are many more and perhaps you will have your own! We are passionate about helping young adults reach their full potential at our office and would love to work with you! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child, teen, or young adult psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.  The Curated Child |
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