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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Today, I wanted to share something that has been on my mind lately - the crazy world of overscheduling our kiddos. Now, don’t get me wrong, I totally get it! We all want the best for our kids, and we can get so caught up in the whirlwind of things we think we need to be doing for them or opportunities we need to provide them with.
Sometimes it feels like we are living in the era of trying to make our kids “super kids.” We want them to excel at everything they do and are willing to invest in them accordingly. Private lessons for a sport they just started? Why not! Extracurricular activities on a daily basis? Sure! Especially if you can afford to pay for these things, it can be hard to hold ourselves back from doing so. It can be hard to take a step back and think about what we communicate to our kids by doing so much all the time. As a psychologist, I worry a lot about both the message we send to our kids by having their days packed as though they are a mini CEO, but I also worry about the impact on us as parents. For the kids, I think that, unfortunately, we give them the message that their worth and value in the world are only driven by their actions and accomplishments rather than who they are as people. Additionally, it gives them little room to explore, play, and have down time that they need in order to consolidate the information they are learning all day. The major downside of this for them is that they can end up feeling like they need to be busy and accomplished to be worthy. And they can miss crucial opportunities for learning other parts of life that are outside a curriculum or activity, such as how to manage boredom, how to entertain yourself, how to cope with uncomfortable feelings, and how to develop their own interests on their own (without an adult’s support or guidance). I often wonder how our kids will develop creativity and passions without having more time to learn about who they are on the inside. Plus, let's not forget about the stress it puts on us as parents. The logistics alone could be a full-time job! Racing from one activity to another, trying to beat the clock, and crossing our fingers that the traffic gods are on our side—it's exhausting. We barely have time to catch our breath, let alone have quality family moments. I believe that overscheduling leads to parents and kids often feeling that they can never do enough or be enough. There just are not enough hours in the day for us to provide all of the enrichment we feel we need to provide for our kids. And by adding in activity after activity, we communicate to our kids that the way through our feelings is to always take action. I propose an alternative idea here. Let's aim for a balanced approach instead of running around like headless chickens. Choose a couple of activities that genuinely excite and interest our kids, and make sure there's still plenty of downtime just to be kids. This can also give us time as parents to have some of our own interests as well, which can only help our children as it helps us show them a more balanced life and an adult who is hopefully not perpetually busy and stressed. Another idea is to involve our kids in the decision-making process. Ask them what activities they enjoy the most and what they'd like to explore further. This way, we encourage autonomy and let them shape their own experiences. Of course, every family is different, and what works for one might not work for another. So let's not fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to other families and their schedules. Let's do what feels right for our kids and our own sanity. While it might be hard to believe this, childhood is not intended to be a race to adulthood with adult responsibilities! It is meant to be a time of play, development, and learning. At the end of the day, our goal is to raise happy, healthy, and well-rounded individuals. And that means striking that perfect balance between activities and downtime. So here's to embracing the messy, fun, and unplanned moments of childhood—let's savor them while we can!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
One of the most challenging things parents can deal with is their child struggling with school. Perhaps it is due to their executive functioning challenges, another mental or physical health diagnosis, or a learning disability. It could even just be that they do not have a particular aptitude for a subject, such as math or reading. Something I notice often in my work with children and teens is that parents are not always equipped to support their child who is struggling in this way.
It truly can be complicated as we want to empower our children to believe they can overcome challenges, but we also need to recognize that the challenges do exist in a very real way. Unfortunately, our academic systems are inherently ableist, and instead of our children knowing that they are doing the best they can in a system that is not designed for their needs, they believe they are “stupid, dumb, not good enough, etc.” As parents, it is crucial that we find a way to talk with them candidly about these experiences so that they can develop a healthier internal narrative. Here are nine tips to help you do just that: 1. Identify, Address, and Understand Learning Gaps To help your child, you will need to know what they are experiencing and struggling with if you do not already know. This means seeking professional support and possibly even an evaluation outside the school system to have a more thorough diagnosis. Once you know their challenges, seek further professional support, whether privately or through their school district. Even more, do your research to help yourself understand what their diagnosis means for them and what it means for you in terms of how you might need to support them. 2. Encourage a Growth Mindset: A growth mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication and hard work rather than innate ability. It is the idea of something not happening “yet” instead of “not ever possible.” For example, if your child struggles with reading, it is the ability to view that situation as temporary and something to work on. A skill that has not been developed yet, rather than that the child is “not capable of reading.” When their learning experiences are challenging, help your child persevere by emphasizing that mistakes are a crucial part of learning and not indicative of a problem with them or their capability. 3. Shift their narrative As a parent, if you get the sense that your child believes they are inherently unable to do something, work to help them shift their narrative to something more productive. For example, sharing with them that, at times, they are being compared to older peers or that their brain is just not ready to learn whatever they are learning. As adults, we can give them the perspective that things are hard to understand sometimes, and that does not have to mean anything negative about them. 4. Celebrate Small Victories For kids that struggle more than the average child, it can be extremely helpful for their parents to help them acknowledge and celebrate their victories, no matter how small. 5. Break Tasks into Manageable Steps For kids who struggle with learning disorders or executive functioning issues, it is essential to help them learn how to break tasks down so that they are less overwhelming. Schools often help with this, but it is important to help them at home too. Even with something as simple as cleaning up their room - help them identify one part or category of item to clean up first to help it feel less challenging. 6. Incorporate Learning through Play As I probably mention too often, play is how our children learn. No matter their strengths and weaknesses, play can be key to helping a child learn something they are struggling with academically. You could engage your child in educational games, activities, puzzles, etc. The goal is to make learning more enjoyable so they feel less negatively about school and educational activities. 7. Create a Quiet Study Environment Most children need a space without distractions and noise to study and complete their homework. This space is even more important for children who struggle academically. Make sure the area where they study is consistently available to them and that they have a consistent routine to complete academic tasks. 8. Encourage Your Child to Ask for Help Teach your child that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Encourage them to ask questions in class, seek clarification from teachers, or request assistance from peers. While it can be hard for a child who is struggling and may feel like asking for help just shows everyone else how much they struggle, it can be a huge source of support. Knowing when and how to seek help is an important skill that fosters academic growth and self-assurance. 9. Offer Unconditional Support Above all, let your child know that you love and support them unconditionally, regardless of their academic performance. Remind them that their value extends far beyond their grades and that you are proud of their efforts and progress. You can enhance this by ensuring you ask them about more than the areas they are struggling in. Connect about their interests and passions and have no more than weekly conversations about potential challenges academically and how they are navigating them. A loving and understanding support system can work wonders in boosting a struggling student's confidence. In sum, boosting academic confidence in kids who struggle academically requires patience, understanding, and a positive approach. It can also require parents to work on shifting their ideas around school, success, and capability. The more I have worked with individual clients who have academic struggles, the more I have realized that our educational systems are inherently flawed and ableist in nature. If we can share this with our children, they can begin to see potential issues they are having as a product of their learning style with their environment rather than their internal flaws (like being “stupid” or “lazy”). If we can avoid our children internalizing their challenges, they are much more likely to find their path to success!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Welcome to our final blog in this series! In this blog series, we discussed what it means to be an over-functioning parent, the impact on your children, and how to work to correct this dynamic. What I plan to discuss today is possibly the most important, how to manage your feelings in this whole process.
As mentioned previously, parents are not engaging in this pattern of doing too much for their kids because they want to teach the kids that they are incapable. They want their children to be capable, often desperately, but generally fear the potential negative consequences of failure for their children or even themself. Parents might also sometimes believe it is their job or responsibility to do so much for their kids. So it makes perfect sense that this is an emotional situation for the parents and the kids. As parents, we often manage our fears about our child’s uncertain future by doing things for them and making sure they are “on top of it.” Children can come to rely on others doing things for them and engage more passively with life to avoid challenges. So, how can you manage your feelings while you engage in this process of reducing over-involvement as a parent? Again, this is not an easy task, but it is imperative in terms of helping your child and yourself.
Keep in mind that we are parenting in a time that is just wild. The expectations of us and our children are astronomically high and honestly, most of us will do some things well and others poorly. That is okay. The more we have realistic expectations for ourselves and our kids, the more they can have more realistic expectations of themselves and their lives as well. While it can be hard to manage our emotional reactions to shifting our involvement with our kids, it is also often hard for our children initially. They usually become upset, possibly anxious, dysregulated, or say all kinds of things such as “Why aren’t you helping me? Don’t you love me?” For a parent, this is challenging as it often indicates that their child is not ready for the task. Usually, this is actually not the case; it is just their reaction to change and an expression of their own fear, frustration, or panic. It is crucial for a parent to not only manage their fears internally about changing patterns but to believe in the plan of change so much that they can manage their response effectively to their child’s upset and possible outbursts. The best way to do this is by using the information shared in the second blog in this series. We need to communicate to our children that we believe in them and their ability to overcome the challenges in their way. Remind them that we are here to help, but only after they try themselves and if they truly need it. Practice the following phrases to use in these times when you or your child are distressed:
I hope you enjoyed this blog series and digging a bit deeper into the patterns around over-functioning. If you are a parent identifying with this pattern, please know there is no judgment here. I know it comes from a place of care, love for your child, and desire for them to be okay. It’s a beautiful expression of love, though it is unhelpful. I believe you can learn to respond differently to your child and that they can handle everything in their way! If you need further support around these kinds of parenting shifts or your child’s challenges, please do not hesitate to reach out to us at Thrive! We are here to help!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You don’t want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
3 Part Blog Series About Over-Functioning Parents
Part #2 So you are an over-functioning parent. What now? Welcome back to our three-part blog series about over-functioning parents. Last week, we discussed what over-functioning is and how it impacts children. This week, we will discuss what to do if you want to change this dynamic in your family. The first step is to have a conversation with your child about what you have realized. Depending on the age of your child, you could talk to them about this situation in a variety of ways, but usually, it will sound something like this: “I love you so much. Unfortunately, because I worry about the future, I have been doing way too much for you. And this might make you feel like you are not able to do things on your own, which is not at all the case. I believe in you and your ability to manage things more independently. Moving forward, I am going to stop doing so much for you so that you can learn how to do it on your own. I am still here, and I love you. I believe you can do everything I ask of you.” You can add examples or specific areas you are going to work on reducing your involvement in or even other phrases such as, “I know you can cope with things on your own without texting me from school” or “I know you will figure out a way to wake yourself up in the morning.” The most important thing is to communicate to your child that you have been making a mistake, and that has led to their feelings of incapability. And that you believe you were wrong because they are much more capable than you taught them to believe! For this to be a truly corrective experience and productive conversation, you need to be prepared to take full responsibility for this dynamic. Keep in mind that your child already feels like they are doing everything wrong and are not capable. So your job now is to acknowledge that you are the reason they feel this way and that you will work to help shift this pattern because it is your responsibility to do so and not theirs. This acknowledgment is the first step to changing this dynamic and helping them build feelings of capability. The next part is the hardest, as you have to actually pull back your support. Here are some examples of what this might look like:
I could go on, but mostly the idea is to observe how you solve problems for your child and stop doing it. I know it sounds basic and also quite risky, especially if your child is older, but kids who have yet to learn to solve their own problems just do not do as well in college and later in life. As parents, we need to raise our kids to know their abilities and when to ask for help. Stepping in before they even ask for help or know they need it is not teaching them any of this. It teaches them to be passive and wait for a rescue rather than be proactive problem solvers. Be prepared that your child will likely not seamlessly transition to independence once you pull back your support. They might kick, scream, pout, ask why you don’t love them anymore, ask why you don’t want to help them, or even just fail at whatever it is you were helping them with in the past. This reaction is okay. I know that sounds really callous, but it genuinely is okay. Your child needs to experience challenges to figure out how to overcome them, which is part of their path towards independence. All of this will likely make you feel very uncomfortable, even anxious. I can tell you that this is perfectly normal and almost expected. Every time I have had this conversation with parents in my office, they look at me like I have lost my mind. “Erica, you expect me just to sleep and know my 16-year-old hasn’t done their homework?” And to that, I answer ABSOLUTELY. I expect you to do just that so that you are not more invested in the outcomes of their education than they are. You see, not only does our emotional investment and over-involvement lead to kids who feel incapable or even anxious, but it can also lead them not to care as much as we do. Simply, in the kids’ eyes, it becomes less of a “me thing” and more of a “you thing.” This point of view, unfortunately, leads some kids to become less motivated or interested in their activities or school. Any of these outcomes - anxious and stressed out kids who feel incapable or kids who appear completely uninterested in goals/school/future types of things which also feel incapable - are not helpful in our goal of raising independent people! For the final part of our blog series next week, I will share ideas about how to cope with the challenging emotions this process might bring up for you. You don’t want to miss it!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You will want to be a part of this!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
I’ve been thinking about the idea of “over-functioning” often recently as it is a huge topic in my office and many of the therapist and mom podcasts I listen to. I have been mulling over the dynamic of over-functioning and how this impacts children, particularly when a parent is an over-functioner.
First, what is an over-functioner? Someone who falls into this pattern will likely feel that they need to do everything all the time for everyone around. This feeling usually results from how they have learned to cope with anxiety and naturally deal with anxiety, stress, or overwhelming situation by taking action rather than falling apart. Similar to perfectionism or being a high performer, which has traits often associated with over-functioners, this is not all negative by any means. There are significant strengths to over-functioning, perfectionism, and high performance. There are also significant challenges and a huge cost to the person living at an unsustainable pace all the time, which is often burnout. People who are over-functioning often take on more than they should of the responsibilities around them, at work and home. This can lead others to feel less capable in comparison. They might think, “Since I can’t even do half as much as they can, I must not be as good or capable as they are.” Unfortunately, the conclusion is often that they will never be able to do things as well as the other person and stop trying. This conclusion is clearly frustrating for the person who has more things on their plate, but they have a role to play here too. Often, if the other person tries to help with something but does not do it as well or the same as the person who is in the role of over-functioning, someone may criticize. This assumption becomes a negative feedback loop for the other person and for the over-functioner, where both people end up feeling that one of them is more capable than the other. Just imagine the impact on a work team or in a marriage. Unfortunately, this pattern has a similar impact on children. If a parent is always stepping in for a child and doing things for them, even if they can do it themselves, it will give that child the message that they are less capable. Sometimes, it leads to a feeling that they are less competent and incapable, especially for kids who are aware of their parent’s efforts and how much they do for them. In my office, this has sounded like the following:
If some of these phrases resonate with you, you might have taken on an over-functioning role in your family. Since we all want to raise children who are capable and independent, that might be hard to recognize as, unfortunately, your best intentions are getting in the way of your child’s development. The good news is that you can work through all of this! I won’t even begin to say that this will be easy because these dynamics are often rooted in deep feelings about a parents’ role, fears about a child’s ability to “make it,” and confusion related to what parents are responsible for. While it is not easy, it is well worth trying to shift this dynamic to help your child. Read on next week to learn more about how to adjust this dynamic in your family!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
In preparation for the Fourth of July next week, I was thinking about the biggest challenges some families face on this day. While we have talked a lot in past blogs about how to support kids who are emotionally dysregulated on big holidays, we have not discussed the impact of these events on our more anxious children.
Children who are more anxious can be naturally more impacted by holidays and big events, particularly days like the Fourth of July that often involve loud, at times unpredictable, fireworks. While it makes sense that this would be difficult for them, parents often forget that even fun events can feel really scary depending on your child’s personality, temperament, and possible anxious symptoms. If your child has had a tough time in past holidays, these suggestions will help you manage the situation differently for this Fourth of July!
I hope this is helpful in preparing you for the festivities of the weekend and week to come! As always, if you need more support or have any questions about the topics shared in my blogs, please feel free to reach out to our team at Thrive for help! You can also sign up for our newsletter to stay updated on upcoming events and opportunities at Thrive!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
As a mom and therapist, I have learned that there are lessons in almost anything we do. Interestingly, one of my latest “lessons” came while I took my son to a pool with a huge inflatable obstacle course. And when I say “lesson,” what I mean is something that I really do know intellectually but, at times, is hard to follow because my emotions might get in the way.
Anyways, what happened is that I took my son to this pool to meet some friends and for him to swim and play on this rather large obstacle course. Despite it being entirely too cold, it was such a fun setup for him to really thrive. You see, my son is enamored with swimming and all things to do with water. He might get scared of amusement parks or small carnival rides at times, but give him a water slide, and he is in heaven. So, this was a great situation for him! Interestingly though, it was a bit tricky for me to navigate at times. You see, while my son is a “water-safe, independent” swimmer, according to his swim teacher, he often flails about when he is in another pool and especially when he is just with me or his dad. I still remember when he first went swimming with us after becoming a stronger, independent swimmer, and both of us thought that he just might drown because he was barely keeping his head above water at times. Then, we went back to his swim instructor, who told us he had regressed in his skills because we held him too much. So, that is when we first realized that he can do far more than it might seem he can do. Especially if it is something he can do independently but might wish at times for some help. Back to my story :) Here we are, in this pool with a huge inflatable course, and he falls off the edge to the other side. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go easily under it as that was against the rules. I remember thinking he would climb back up easily, but when he didn’t, I honestly got a little nervous despite the lifeguard sitting right there watching him (I could see her watching him but couldn’t see him, and he didn’t respond to me). And up until that moment, he had been grabbing onto me often so that he hadn’t been swimming on his own a lot. First, I tried to wait and thought he would yell to me or pop up somewhere on the course. But he didn’t. So, in my nervousness, I swam around to find him, and what did I see? My son just swimming as happily as can be and easily in this deep water without an issue. It was at that moment that I recalled my knowledge that kids often will do well when left on their own. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is not save or help them too much. And obviously, this would be a different story if my son was not a strong, capable swimmer. Then, it would have been negligent to wait as long as I did. But in his case, this is an area he clearly excels and does not need a lot of support. Even while I knew this about him and would give this advice to parents, I had made the same mistake that so many of my clients and other parents make. I forgot just how capable he is and how important it is for him to be able to take calculated risks and demonstrate that capability in order to build his feelings of competence and sense of self. So often, our instinct as parents is to dive in quickly and save our children from possible mistakes or problems. We can see them coming and know how to avoid them. But the trick is that our kids don’t know that yet, and they will only learn it by experience. While it might be uncomfortable for parents, we need to let them leap out of our little nest and wobble a little as they learn to fly. We can block them from hitting trees, but shouldn't worry about a slight change in course or challenge along the way. That is part of the learning process! Here are some helpful reminders for all of us parents when it comes to letting our kids take risks:
Also, summer is the absolute best time to allow your kids to take a few more risks! Usually, summer involves different types of activities, time outside, new friends, camp, etc., and these are all opportunities for your child to increase their independence and feelings of capability. Make sure to communicate to them that you have FAITH in their ability to do hard things! That you TRUST their judgment and ability to solve problems when needed. That will be huge, even if the situation is not going as planned for them. So often, kids rise to the challenge. We just need to let them and get out of their way a bit more!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Wait, we need a whole blog about how to have fun at Disneyland????
I know, I know. What has parenting come to? If our kids can’t just have fun at the happiest place on earth, what are we doing wrong!!! While this is a bit exaggerated, I would honestly say it is not exaggerated in terms of what most parents think when their child is having an epic meltdown when their super expensive, carefully planned, and completely kid-centered holiday is not going well. And believe me, I get it! My family has not yet gone to Disneyland for this exact reason. In my eyes, if we struggle at SeaWorld San Diego and Legoland, we are likely not quite ready for Disneyland! In preparation for the summer and all the exciting plans families have set up, I thought it would help to share some ideas about how to help tricky kids manage their feelings during these long days at amusement parks. While my personal and professional experience sets me up to expect certain kids to struggle in these situations, I have found that often parents do not expect it and, as a result, are often caught off guard with just their instant reactions of “How spoiled are you!” when these situations go off the rails. Even for me, this has been challenging. Recently, we let our son (age 5.5) play a video game at SeaWorld, which we thought would be a real treat because we have not yet let him really get into video or arcade games in our home. However, when it was sadly and unexpectedly (for him) short-lived, he could not regulate for about an hour. This involved lots of tears, attempted running away from us, bargaining to try and get more time to play, and honestly, pretty much sheer misery for all of us. And while it kind of proved our point that he is not quite emotionally ready for video games, it was tough to manage our reactions and approach him with empathy. I had to keep reminding myself that this is how our son learns - it, unfortunately, often involves a lot of frustration and trying to get out of the lesson in one way or another. In this one, he was learning regret as he felt he spent his money too quickly, and it was not worth it in the end. While this is such a valuable lesson, I would have loved it if he could learn it more quietly and kindly without such a scene! So, this led me to think that perhaps we should all be better prepared for challenges in these situations! Here are my quick tips to help keep in mind so that big days with your child(ren) might go a bit smoother! Going into the big day:
During the big day:
After the big day:
Keep in mind that you and your child are always doing the best you can in the situation you are in with the skills you have. Try to avoid blaming or shaming them if something is not going well or if you feel they are not acting the way you would like. Their behavior is communication, and it is important to see it as such, especially in hard and new situations! If you would like more parenting advice and suggestions, please sign up for our newsletter below, as we have EXCITING NEWS coming up at Thrive!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Oh, summertime. The wonderfully unpredictable juggle of vacation weeks plus a variety of camps and activities for your child. Plus, a healthy dose of parenting expectations that things should be magical and wonderful for said child as “who doesn’t love camp and going on vacation!” The perfect recipe for, you guessed it, major kid meltdowns. And often, even more fun here, public kid meltdowns!
In our office, it is common to hear about carefully planned vacations going terribly wrong or kids struggling to adjust to week after week of summer camps. Unfortunately, while parents never intend to plan incredibly overstimulating and overwhelming trips and activities, summer is often exactly that for the kids we work with, particularly those with trickier personalities. You might wonder: who tends to struggle with summer transitions, vacations, and activities? While not an exhaustive list by any means, this is a general idea of kids who may struggle in this situation:
If we all stopped to think about it, it makes perfect sense that kids with the above personalities would struggle with the unpredictability of summer! Even if they pick the camps and activities, it is still very overwhelming, especially for our elementary-aged kids, to do so many new, exciting, or even scary things. This is why it is important for us as parents to set realistic expectations for ourselves and for our kids in these situations. Because guess what? As much as you don’t enjoy summer when your child is struggling, acting out, melting down, or hiding in their room refusing to go to camp or on a plane - they don’t enjoy it either! It is crucial that we remember that our kids are doing the best they can in a situation beyond their current ability to cope and regulate. If your child has struggled in summer's past or has any of the challenges described above, I would like to share suggestions about how to help make summer go better. Or perhaps just to help you set some more realistic expectations! 1. Set realistic expectations for all of you. So many parents end up in the trap of thinking that if they can pick the perfect camp or have the perfect kid-oriented vacation planned, their child, who has struggled in years past, will no longer struggle. That is just not usually the case and can add to parents' feelings of frustration when things are not going better than in the past. If your child has struggled in past summers, vacations, periods of transition, etc., please try to expect some level of challenge so you are not surprised or feeling completely frustrated that your plans did not solve the problem. You see, the problem is not actually your child. Or summer. The problem is that your child lacks the skills to manage their situation, and they most likely need to be in for one reason or another. And other than time and working with your child on flexibility, anxiety management, problem-solving, emotional regulation, attention, etc., outside of stressful situations, sometimes you will just need to ride out the challenging moments. Plus, even if you are working with your child on building skills, either through therapy, parent consultation, or parent intervention on its own, it is not a guarantee of immediate success. It takes time for people to change, kids included. We need to remember this and give them the time they need to cope differently in challenging situations! 2. Try to match your planning around your child’s personality and needs if possible. So, this means that if you have a child who is often anxious and struggles to connect with new people, I would not put them in a new camp at a new location each week, even if the camp activities or topic is amazing and a great fit for them. I just would not take that risk because I would remember that each new camp has a new routine, new people, new staff, new friends, and new expectations, and that is A LOT for a child with anxiety and social challenges. They would do better in an environment with similar kids, staff, and situations for most of the summer. If your child tends to get overly excited and easily dysregulated in situations with a lot of change and activity, I might try to modulate that by having them in a half day program or planning extra down time for them. This would look different depending on the family situation and needs, plus the kids’ needs, but it might even mean getting a nanny to share with one other family so that your child can engage but not be entirely overwhelmed. It might just mean planning a day or two of downtime before and after exciting vacations. While I can’t give examples for every type of child or each child’s personality and needs as it is so situation specific, I would encourage parents to consider:
Another example would be if your child was in a day camp and coming home each night in tears because they are struggling with kids being unkind to them. I would not just pull them out of camp the first day. First, I would try coaching them on the situation and how to handle it and give them some time to try and make a good effort with those skills. Second, after about a week, I would contact the camp staff to see if they have insight into what is happening and can help support the kids in a different way. I would then give that some time, but if the issue persists and your child is reported to be miserable ALL DAY, I think I would try to find another situation for them that summer. The goal here is that we do not jump to rescuing them without offering ideas to help solve the issues they are facing but that we do not keep them in situations that are clearly not a good fit for too terribly long without taking action. I hope these ideas are helpful! Summer is one of those times that takes so much planning, especially for dual-working families, and it can be truly difficult to manage our reaction when it does not go as planned. Try to anticipate a little bit of what might happen so you are not completely caught off guard! And do not hesitate to reach out to a professional if you could use some support in making these decisions! We are here for you! If you would like more parenting advice and suggestions, please sign up for our newsletter below, as we have EXCITING NEWS coming up at Thrive!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanIn my office, we often discuss the impact of the way we think about ourselves or others, or even life in general, on our perception of those very things. For example, suppose we focus a lot on the difficult parts of parenting or our children and forget to notice the benefits of parenting and our children. In that case, we will naturally feel less satisfied, happy, and enjoyable overall in our families. It’s interesting because underneath all of the toxic positivity statements, such as “choose happiness,” is a shred of truth. While we can’t always just easily choose happiness, we can work to shift our perspective in a situation from a more pessimistic view to a more neutral or, at times, optimistic outlook. And this will often also help someone feel more happy or content. So while I do not subscribe to “toxic positivity” cultural ideas around how someone’s life is entirely in their control, I do believe in the power of our thoughts and interpretation of our lives. And I believe that shifting our lens in very specific ways is enormously beneficial. One of the key ingredients to shifting our perspective is to approach ourselves and others with compassion. Often, when parents are struggling with their children or with parenting in general, they are left with a shame spiral of also feeling that something is wrong with them to feel this way. They also might imagine that something is wrong with their child acting in the way they are. Most of the time, neither of these things are true. Often, children are acting in ways that make sense, given their developmental level and current skills to navigate the world. For example, a child throwing a tantrum is most likely unable to communicate their needs or emotions in any other way. Similarly, the parent who reacts to the tantrum with yelling, is most likely feeling unable to react differently due to their own childhood experiences, parenting they received, ideas they have about how their child “should” be acting, internal distress at their child’s challenges, and sensory overload. It is really tough to go through hard moments with your child. It is even harder to go through those moments and then spend hours, days, and weeks thinking about how you are a terrible parent and/or your child is incredibly damaged. While having self-compassion and general compassion for your child will not necessarily change the tough moments right away, it can take the shame away afterward. And the good news is that when we can reduce shame, we are actually more likely to learn from our mistakes and approach the situation differently in the future. Shame is an extremely triggering emotion for our nervous systems. As such, unfortunately, while we are in a deep state of shame, we are not likely to be able to learn or access the full range of ourselves that might be needed to solve a problem differently. Often, shame triggers our survival instincts or “fight, flight, freeze, fawn” responses, which are generally not helpful unless we are in a truly dangerous situation. Unfortunately, a screaming toddler is not actually dangerous! Increasing our self-compassion can help us break this cycle of parenting shame by reducing our reactivity which also allows us to be more likely to parent in a way that feels helpful to us and our children. Here are examples of ways to practice self-compassion in your parenting. These phrases are often helpful reminders in reaction to encounters with your child that do not go as you had hoped and might end up in tears (for one or both of you):
As parents, we will all make mistakes. We will all mess up and wish we could just start over again. Our children will also be imperfect and wish they could do things differently. The reason for this is not because something is wrong with us all but because we are human and we are flawed. We often learn experientially by doing rather than by thinking. While we can’t change this part of life, we can change how we view it and develop a different way to handle ourselves after a mistake. And the good news is that the more we do this with ourselves, the more we can help our children do the same for themselves, and most likely, the more we will also interact with them and their mistakes differently. Again, this is a win-win and the gift that will keep giving. Try out incorporating self-compassion today by using the phrases listed above! Read on next week for Parenting Tip #5: Assume positive intent and approach situations with curiosity At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. |
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