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How do we know when enough is enough?

8/28/2020

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As a recovering perfectionist, it can be tough for me to assess when I think I am meeting my own goals and when enough is enough in my life. This is something that I have learned to balance and work through during normal life but I have noticed that this has been a much bigger challenge during the Covid19 pandemic. I have noticed this for myself as well as almost across the board for my clients who also struggle with perfectionism. 

While we can always theoretically, in our heads, understand that yes, we are living in a pandemic and that it is REALLY HARD; it seems to be a whole other thing to figure out what is actually realistic to expect of ourselves or even others right now. 

There also seems to be a competing push-pull kind of dynamic within me lately where there is part of me that is like, let’s take this opportunity to relax and just slow our lives down and enjoy the simpler things. Then there is a whole other side that is like, “that is total BS and I want to do ALL the things and if ALL the things aren’t possible, I want to at least do everything that I am ABLE to do right now. I want to bake, and garden, and decorate my house, and work on work projects, and home projects, and accomplish every health goal I have ever had - oh and spend as much quality time with my family as possible!” 

Wait, does that side sound a bit unhinged and out of touch with reality?  It certainly does when you write it out and consider just how much stress many of us are enduring right now given the state of our world. It seems obvious in this moment that it is unrealistic to expect that much of myself given the fact that life is so much simpler but also more complicated these days. 

Decisions have become exponentially more complicated due to all the variables we need to consider. When doing something, we have to now consider our safety and possible risk in addition to all the variables we used to consider like time, resources, finances, desires and interest in doing things. Our cost/benefit analyses of situations have gotten more complicated along with our decisions.  

After over 5 months of living like this, I think most of us are worn out from how tiring and overwhelming this new reality is… I think that part of why we want to accomplish ALL of the things is so that we can live more in a space of doing rather than being. The truth is, it’s hard to just BE right now because to do that we likely need to feel a lot of the feelings that doing helps us avoid. It’s really painful to grieve our lives in such a dramatic way and sit with the pain of knowing that this situation does not seem to be getting any better anytime soon and is so dramatically impacting so many people much more seriously than many of us. 

The sadness, grief, and feelings of despair can be overwhelming for many of us. And for some of us, we respond by making dramatic to-do lists of all the things we should do. I think that as long as we are being kind, compassionate, and realistic with ourselves and our expectations and can hold space for the fact that that just might be unrealistic and need to be revised, this might be an okay strategy to get through this time. If we are struggling with being kind to ourselves and changing up our plans when we need to, we might need to take some time to lean into those feelings and let them have some space for a minute so that we can figure out what is going on and what we need to get through this. 

Even more so lately, life seems to be a delicate balance between finding motivation and energy for the future and our goals but also letting ourselves enjoy the moments we do have now and resting or finding something to do that is rejuvenating to our spirits and emotions. Just like everything else, this is more complicated than it used to be as there are more variables to consider. It is however, a worthwhile and important process to engage in to help us cope as best we can with a very difficult and uncertain future. 

If you or your loved ones need more support during this time, we are accepting new clients at Thrive via telehealth and work with clients of all ages!  Contact us today for more information about individual or group therapy sessions!

​At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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Can we "cancel" the word "should?"

5/23/2020

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"As it should be"
“You should”
“I should”

 How often do we all hear some variation of these kinds of statements either within ourselves and our thoughts or from others in our world? We are all inundated with information about what we “should” be doing which essentially becomes a list of the ways we are failing or also a way for others to impress upon us their values and what they think about our lives, choices, etc.
 
I’ve personally decided that I’m done with statements like that. You see, as a recovering perfectionist, these statements are like poison for my brain. In the past, I would agonize over the shoulds in the world and use them as ammunition against myself. My list of shoulds was a list of failures and ways to remind myself that I’m lacking.
 
I notice a trend right now in my work and that’s that a lot of people seem to be bumping up against their ideal expectations of others, or themselves. Fueled by perfect images on social media or just our own thoughts of what we ‘should’ or what our kids or partners ‘should’ be like or be doing right now. I feel concerned about how much this is going to impact all of us going forward as the mixed messages between “take care of yourself - it’s a pandemic” and “you should really get your beach body, have a color-coded parenting chart, etc.” are just downright confusing. Additionally, we are all operating in more isolation than we have in the past, so we have less positive input from others as well as less opportunities to feel supported interpersonally. This leads us to be ripe for insecurity and uncertainty about our choices - and especially vulnerable to shaming statements that lead with the idea of “should.”
 
It’s important to note that our ideal thoughts of who we should be or want to be are just that, an ideal. It’s great if you use the idea of your ideal self as motivation in a kind, self-compassionate way, but once we weaponize the ideal- trouble is coming. Here come the shame and shoulds and feelings of “not enough.” As I mentioned, during this challenging time in our world, any increased feelings of internal struggle or shame are just going to make this harder to get through in a healthy way.
 
Here are some strategies that I use to help myself through the “shoulds” when they come my way, either from myself or my well-meaning loved ones.
 

Find the narrative
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When I find myself feeling either overwhelmed, irritated with obligations or people, sad, or in a state of shame, I have learned to try to pause and think things through before reacting too much. I try to check in with myself to see what the narrative or story is that I am telling myself about the situation.
 

Recognize when your expectations are unrealistic and based in ideals
When we have expectations of ourselves based on ideals, they are usually rooted more in fantasy rather than reality. For example, I bump up on the idea that as a mom who is also a therapist and parent consultant, I should always be able to set effective boundaries with my son. He’s a toddler by the way, so most of you reading this probably know that this is entirely unrealistic. Because in my head, effective boundaries equal him listening to me when I ask him to do things. And well, that apparently is not the way it goes on any day ending in y! So, this is one of those expectations that was unconscious and unknown until the quarantine as we are home so much more with him to feel tested and a lack of patience. And the moments when I am at my least patient and just want him to listen are the times that then I start having the “shoulds” come in. Thoughts like “If only I was parenting better, he would listen all the time” or “a better therapist would always be caring and patient with a toddler” and my favorite, “when I babysat and nannied, the kids listened to me and I didn’t take it all so personally.” This last one is my favorite, because I honestly know deep in my heart that kids generally listen better to everyone but their parents. But when it’s my kid not listening to me, it feels so much harder!
 

Figure out the language so you can pay attention and reframe it
This is the entire idea of this blog… We need to figure out what language is a good cue to pay attention to so that we can take a step back and work through our expectations a bit more. For me, “should” is a big one as well as anytime I bump up on ideal kinds of expectations which honestly almost always include the word “should” as well. However, others might have other words that come up while feeling this way or that trigger these feelings. It is up to all of us to try and figure out how we interact with language, expectations, and ideals so that we can better manage our responses.
 

Ask is there a deeper emotional need you would like to tend to? 
Sometimes, actually probably often, I have found that if I am feeling frustrated about someone else’s “shoulds” for me or my own, it might indicate a lack of balance or unresolved feelings about a decision I have made. I think that it is crucial for parents to try to learn to check in with themselves about their own needs and if they are being met to help make sure we are reacting from a place of intention and more of our best selves. Even in our current “shelter in place” situations, we need to try to figure out what is missing and what on earth we can do about it.
 
I hope these ideas are helpful for you!  Most of all, hang in there parents!  At Thrive, we are happy to help support you and your family if you are struggling right now!  We are accepting new referrals both for individual therapy and parent consultation but also group therapy!  We have three groups currently – Teen Anxiety, Young Adult, and Parent Support. Check out this page for more information!
 
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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How to Support Your Loved Ones During Coronavirus

4/24/2020

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Dr. Erica Wollerman shares all about what people are truly looking for while in a place of struggle. 

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I’ve been reflecting a lot about how things have been going for many of us, particularly those of us who have been struggling to manage our stress or feelings during the current pandemic and shelter in place orders.
 
Which is possibly, all of us at one time or another.
 
I think this situation is highlighting the challenges our society has had with many, many things and how we handle emotions is really just one of them. It is, however, a big one.
 
Especially right now and especially for those of us who access our emotions more readily.
 
I had some thoughts about what others could do to help and wanted to share them!
 
The biggest suggestion I have is this… Be the person who cares to listen to the truth when you ask someone how they are. Be brave enough to just listen rather than trying to fix it. Especially now... our world feels lonely and even those who are surrounded by people might feel unseen and unheard. Let’s hold off on any problem solving for a while as it places pressure on us to have what just IS, not BE.
 
I personally am well equipped to help people experience their emotions mostly because I am a therapist and it is literally what I do all day. While it can be a challenge, it is valuable beyond measure for people to feel connected, seen, head, and understood. I am personally of the belief that this is what most of us are truly craving while we are in a place of struggle.
 
Unfortunately, when people offer suggestions too quickly, it takes us out of a place of connection of equals and puts us in a place of feeling that emotions are to be avoided and need to be fixed. It can create an expert-subordinate kind of dynamic that just does not feel like connection but like you are in trouble for your emotions or shouldn’t have them.  
 
For example, recently I was sharing about my grief related to changes in my life due to the coronavirus pandemic. I have been preparing to create and launch an online course (surprise!) for many months and have had this planned to roll out this year. Unfortunately, due to the current situation and our lack of child care it is just not realistic for me to continue working on this right now. I was sharing about how sad this is and have heard a lot of suggestions and comments that sound like this…
 
  • Maybe you can still...
  • Maybe you can create time for it somehow…
  • Maybe you need to focus on this, it’s really important… 
  • But it’s such a good idea and you really want to do it…
 
While these comments and suggestions were genuinely meant to be helpful and supportive - they were after all encouraging me towards my goals - they did not feel helpful or supportive but like more pressure that I don’t need. As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve struggled with managing expectations of myself during this time of change and transition. It has happened so quickly that I first resented the changes and held so tight to my previous goals. This just led me to feel so much anxiety and pressure. Why? Because my previous expectations and goals are no longer realistic. I’m able to work maybe 60% of the time I was before and comparably to other parents with young kids, that’s actually amazing. I’m lucky to do that. However, I still have a business to run and clients to see and a family to help support emotionally and financially and that means that some of my other goals are just going to have to be on the back burner for a bit. This doesn’t mean I am giving up, not managing my time well, or that there is some solution for this that I couldn’t find (and need someone else’s help to find for that matter) – it means I am accepting reality on its terms.
 
If someone tells you something is just not realistic for them right now, believe them. Honor their pain and struggle that it took to tell you that and hold space for them to be sad about the conclusion they drew that is inevitable. I know this is uncomfortable because a lot of us like to believe nice ideas about life like, “you can do anything.” I’m here as a mama-business owner- and generally tired person saying, nope. I can’t do anything. It’s not worth the stress or burnout so I am just going to do what is possible and enjoy the process as much as I can.
 
This has been a theme in my sessions with clients recently too. More of us, particularly those of us characterized as sensitive, need less problem solving and more genuine support. We just need someone to listen and hear our pain and struggle, not someone to help us take it away.
 
There are two things people are looking for in emotional conversations…
  • To feel seen and understood
  • Connection with a person who cares
 
Unfortunately, when you meet emotion and a search for connection with problem solving all you end up with is disconnection. Feeling less understood. And for me I also have to then renegotiate my new expectations with myself all over again because not only do I have perfectionistic tendencies that I work on daily, I also have people pleasing tendencies.
 
This is a time of change for many, especially those of us who struggled already to have reasonable expectations of ourselves. For those of you who love a perfectionist, please be gentle in your support and suggestions. I know it does not feel like you are doing anything when you just listen and confirm that our lives are indeed challenging, but this is EVERYTHING when someone is emotional.
 

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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The Problem with Rescuing Your Kids

6/5/2019

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

As a therapist who specializes in working with kids, teens, parents, and families, I have noticed a growing and very concerning trend in my work. So many of the kids, teens, and even young adults that I work with are struggling with anxiety, crippling perfectionism, and so much self doubt that they struggle to do things they desperately want to be doing. At the root of so much of this are feelings of incompetence and a huge fear of failure. 
 
I have been contemplating this challenge and recent parenting trends and have noticed that this happens more in the families I work with where parents seem to be struggling to let their kids deal with things on their own. Unfortunately, these parents get kind of a bad rap as “helicopter” parents when in fact, they are parents who are simply struggling to know when it is appropriate to let their kid/teen/young adult fail or struggle through something. And the root of this struggle is usually so much love for their little one (who may not be so little anymore) as well as overwhelming fear about what might happen for their kid/teen/young adult if they do not participate so heavily in their lives. 
 
This fear is one most parents know well. What if they don’t get into a good college?  What if they make choices that screw up their whole life? What if they do something I can’t help them undo?  What if they can’t get a good job? And the list just goes on and on. As a result (I believe), we are overdoing it in the parenting department. We are rescuing our kids way too much and then we come to find that our kids seem to need to be rescued.  Weird huh. 
 
When you look at what happens and what a person will think if they are being rescued from situations, it starts to make sense. When we rescue a person from a situation that they are either capable of handling on their own or almost capable of handling on their own, the message we are giving them is not one of their own ability but one of their need for us to handle things for them. We teach them that they need us and that they can’t do these things on their own. We teach them to ask for help before they need it, before problem solving on their own, and to at all costs avoid struggling with something. 
 
Instead, we need to give our kids the following kinds of messages by verbalizing them as well as by our actions in letting them handle most problems on their own: 
 
  • “I know you are struggling but you are also resourceful and able to figure things out on your own”
  • “I’m here to help but I can’t solve this problem for you”
  • “I have faith that you can figure this out” 
  • “No matter what happens, we will figure this out together but you need to take some steps at solving the problem first”
  • “I know it’s hard, but you can do hard things” 
 
I could go on and on but I won’t. The point is that we definitely need to help when it is needed. But we are so often confused about when it is needed that we are rescuing way too often, which is not helping our kids/teens/young adults develop into the independent and capable people that we know they are meant to be.  I encourage you to trust yourself as a parent and trust your “little one,” however old they may be, that they can figure things out and will benefit from a little struggle and failure along the way. Just like most of us did on our way to becoming independent adults. 
 
 At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
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The Pressures of Parenting a Teen

8/7/2018

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 So, a topic that comes up a lot in my work with teens is pressure. Teens often feel a lot of pressure. They feel it from their parents, their schools, their friends, their followers on social media, and from the world around them as a whole. Even before social media came to be, it was really typical, and developmentally normal, for teens to feel that the whole world is watching them. And now they have proof that the whole world is watching, or not watching them, in terms of numbers of shares, likes, comments, snaps, texts, etc. As many parents recognize, it is a whole new ball game in raising kids, particularly teens. 
 
What I notice to be really challenging for parents of teens is knowing how much pressure is enough, too much, or not enough. There is just so much pressure on teens, but also on their parents in our current society and culture. There is far more information known about development, parenting, and what is needed to be successful in our world. And honestly, as a new mom and therapist, I would say that there is way TOO MUCH information about all of it. There are a thousand parenting books out there and if I, the parenting “expert,” feel like I should read all of them despite my years of experience, education, and training on parenting, I can only imagine the pressure other parents feel. 

​With parenting teens, there is also the additional pressure of college plus a limited number of years left that our teens live with us. The questions arise... have I done a good job? Are they ready for the world?  How are they going to do anything on their own?  Will they get into college? Will they make it in the real world?  I could go on and on and on because the questions and the doubts are just never-ending. This leads to a huge amount of pressure but also fear for parents. Unfortunately, this can translate to our kids as feeling that we doubt them, rather than we doubt ourselves. 

Regardless of how much pressure you end up thinking your teen needs in order to help them thrive as a young adult, make sure that the message you give them is that they can do it, that you believe in them, and that you never, ever doubt them and their ability to be a successful person. Showing them you have faith in them will do more than pressure ever will! 

But, Erica, how much pressure should I put on them???
Interestingly, there is no simple answer to the question, how much pressure is enough, where teens are considered. I believe that what is most important with teens and knowing the right amount of pressure is paying a lot of attention to who your kid is. If your teen is super motivated and puts a lot of pressure on themself without you intervening, then I think parents are in a lucky situation of really pulling back on their oversight of things. This group of kids needs independence and to be allowed some wiggle room to figure themselves out and how to manage the pressure they put on themselves. 
 
If your teen is on the less motivated end of the spectrum, you most likely need to be providing some sort of extrinsic rewards to help them with their motivation. While this might seem like “pressure,” it is really just setting things up so that in order for your teen to have the things they like (phone, computer, friend time, etc.), they have to do the things they might not want to do (schoolwork, volunteering, chores, etc.). 
 
While this discussion seems very categorical, I would actually suggest that it is just two ends of the spectrum that I am mentioning. Most kids are somewhere in between and need a nuanced approach of parent support, outside rewards, and then some level of wiggle room to make mistakes and figure out what they really want. If you feel that you need more support in figuring out how to support your teen, feel free to give our team at Thrive a call!  We love working with parents to help their teens be more successful and to help them feel good about what they are doing as parents. 
 
One last note, where parents are considered in terms of how much pressure is enough, I’m going to be blunt and just say that it is almost always too much. Way. Too. Much. Pressure. From ourselves, and from others. When I write my blogs, I even worry that my voice is adding to the pressure parents feel to always do or say the “right” things for their kids and families. The truth is, we are all going to screw up a little bit and what really matters is remembering we as parents are a work in progress, and so are our kids and teens. They are just figuring life out too and we all need some grace and compassion! 
 
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
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The Problem with "Positive Thinking" - Realistic Thinking (Part Two)

6/24/2018

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman 

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So I must truly be a grumpy person to have not just one, but two blogs dedicated to my concerns about the positive thinking movement!  Kidding, sort of!  I wanted to dedicate this blog to a discussion of what to do instead for those of you who agreed with my concerns about positive thinking – or who have had the experience so many have, which is for it to just not work for them. For example, you have a bad day and reach out to a trusted loved one who tells you, just think positive, after all it could be worse. And you then, well, continue to feel terrible about your bad day and then feel even worse because you logically know it could be worse, but you still feel terrible about the day you had. If you’ve ever been there, this blog is for you!
 
As I mentioned in the first blog on this series (if you want to read it, check it out here!) I'd like to propose something different and what I believe to be more effective than positive thinking, which is Realistic thinking. This is thinking that lives in the middle of completely negative thinking and completely positive thinking.  Realistic thinking is a way of acknowledging that things might feel really hard, painful, or difficult but they won’t stay that way. It is a way of acknowledging the truth of your pain while also knowing that pain is temporary and will end sometime. Realistic thinking accepts that life has its’ ups and downs, but tries to help you ride those waves rather than getting stuck in the undertow. I believe that as a therapist, being a realist has been an incredible gift and one that I try to share with my clients. 
 
What does realistic thinking look like in action? 
  1. Acknowledge the pain, struggle, challenge, emotion that you are experiencing
  2. Allow it to be present with curiosity, wondering about your experience and what you are feeling, struggling with, and why
  3. Notice the tendency to either think overly negatively or overly positively as a means to avoid experiencing the feeling – challenge the overly negative thoughts and temper the overly positive ones as needed 
  4. Remember that life has struggles but we can endure them, and that through the struggle we can also learn about ourselves. It is often in our most challenging and difficult moments in life that we can learn the most and grow the most – it’s just a painful process but so worth it once you are on the other side!
 
If you notice that in the steps of realistic thinking, there is a lot of what I call, “holding space.” Just holding space for your emotions, struggle, thoughts, and experience and not in a critical or judgmental way, but in a curious way – wondering what is going on and allowing the experience to happen. “Holding space” is a big part of what we do in trusted and safe relationships, like in therapy, where we sit with difficult emotions together, just knowing that we are not alone. It is not fixing them. It is not problem solving. It is not positive thinking (which communicates, that feeling is too uncomfortable for me to feel with you). It is simply allowing someone to know, I am here and I care to share your pain with you. This is what I believe is the gift that the way I do therapy can bring to my clients. This is my goal as a therapist - that I help you know you are not alone in the struggle, that you are heard, understood, and on the way to growth. Even though it is painful and difficult. The path towards change and growth always is but we are on it together. 
 
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. We love being space holders for you! If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

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The Problem with "Positive Thinking" (Part One)

6/18/2018

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman 

 I know, I know, as a therapist I am supposed to be all about positive thinking. For a while, I even tried out the whole “positive thinking” thing and would just try to wash away my so-called negative thoughts with positive ones. It was certainly appealing to think that if I just think “positive,” I would feel better! Honestly, it did not work so well for me and I notice in my work with people that it often leads to people feeling worse. I’m sure many of you have had this experience too, where you are talking about something difficult in your life and someone says something like, “it’ll be okay, just think positive” or another offender, “it could always be worse, or that sounds like a first world problem.” How do you end up feeling after that kind of comment? Often, invalidated, judged, and like you are totally misunderstood. Or, you might then start trying to think positive and not be able to do it (because you are a person and feelings are a natural part of life but more on that later), and then you judge yourself for not being able to be a “better, more positive person.” Somehow we have begun deeming thinking only positive thoughts and feeling only positive feelings as a goal or judgment of our worth as a person in our society. 
 
What I find to be really interesting is how often this message of “I should just think positive” comes into my therapy sessions with clients of all ages. This focus on “positivity” tells me a lot about our current culture and thoughts about coping and mental health. Unfortunately while I think positive thinking culture and the people who advocate for it mean very well, I think the message that “if we can just think positive, everything will go away and we'll feel great” is a real problem. This message tells us that unpleasant things, emotions, situations, or thoughts essentially just need to be suffocated with positivity and to go away. Some of you may wonder why that is a problem.  Shouldn’t unpleasant things just go away? I would say no, they should not just go away at all for many reasons. 
 
6 Reasons Why Positive Thinking Can be a Problem: 
 
1.   It is not realistic: 
It is not possible to be positive all the time because that would mean that we avoid feelings we deem to be “negative.”  However, ALL feelings are important, valuable, and necessary in life (even the uncomfortable and downright unpleasant ones). Our emotions are essential cues to our environments and we need all of them, even the ones we would rather avoid like shame, dread, jealousy, fear, or insecurity. 
 
2.   Avoiding unpleasant emotions does not make them go away:
Unfortunately, our emotions do not just go away because we avoid them or ignore them. They tend to build up inside and fester and grow, becoming more challenging to deal with in the long run, though this may feel good temporarily. The analogy I like to use is of a soda bottle being shaken up, that is exactly what it is like when we hold in unpleasant emotions, at some point they will come out or we will need to do more and more to keep our semblance of control over them. Unfortunately, this can lead to even more unhealthy coping patterns such as addictions, self-injury, or damage in our relationships. 

3.   Positive thinking can lead to denial of our challenges:

If we think that we are only supposed to think and feel positive things, we might glaze over the challenges we have had in our lives. This means that we would be less likely to share our struggles, integrate them into who we are now, and truly live authentic lives with meaningful connections with others. I believe that connecting with others in a meaningful, authentic, genuine way is not possible if we do not know how to discuss our challenges. This one actually leads right into my next reason… 
 
4.   If we avoid thinking deeply about our challenges we will also avoid getting to a place of learning from our challenges
As I mentioned above, not thinking about our struggles can lead to less authentic connections with others but it can also lead to less authentic connections with ourselves where we simply try to avoid the parts of ourselves or our lives that have been less than great. As a therapist, I believe that the most important thing we can do is to look at our struggles and challenges in detail to learn from them and understand ourselves better. If we just glaze over challenges though, this learning becomes impossible and we might even keep repeating unhealthy patterns or relationships in our lives. 
 
5.   It perpetuates our happiness, or problem free life infatuation
I notice that our culture seems to encourage an almost infatuation with “happiness” or not having problems. I think this is fascinating because I am of the belief that suffering and problems are inherent in being human. We are going to struggle but we are also going to have some amazing successes and you most likely can’t have one without the other. Positive thinking seems to tell you that if you just thought positively, everything in your life would be positive and you would have no problems or struggles at all. You would just be happy all the time. 
 
The challenge is that happiness is not meant to be an ongoing, persistent feeling. Happiness, like all other emotions is a temporary state. All emotions are temporary the lovely ones, the not so lovely ones, and everything in between. Who wants to spend their life feeling jealous, insecure, shame, or guilt. No one. However, without the darker side of emotions we really wouldn't have capacity for the more pleasant ones. They are flipsides of the same coin and we really do need them both. 

6.   It perpetuates the stigma of mental illness

As a therapist, this is one of the most concerning effects of the positive thinking movement, that somehow depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive behaviors could somehow just be fixed by “positive thinking.” This grossly oversimplifies what people truly need to do to help themselves recover or manage these challenges and suggests that we can just magically think them away. As a therapist who witnesses the challenges of somebody with significant symptoms of any kind I find this to be deeply disturbing as well as deeply offensive.
 
In sum, while I do recognize some benefits of having a positive mindset (I’ll talk more about these in my next blog in this series), I believe that the incredible push towards only positive thinking has a lot of drawbacks and negative consequences in our ability to manage, cope with, and tolerate “negative” thoughts and feelings. 
 
I'd like to propose something different and what I believe to be more effective actually. Realistic thinking. This is thinking that lives in the middle of completely negative thinking and completely positive thinking. Check out more in my next blog in this series where I discuss what Realistic Thinking looks like! 
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
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6 Ways to build Resilience and Grit in Children and Teens

6/10/2018

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

The concepts of resilience and grit have been hot topics recently, particularly in the parenting, education, and psychology fields. This is for good reason as these qualities have been shown to be some of the most important traits you can help your child/teen develop in order to become successful adults. Interestingly, these are also traits that many adults are noticing seem to be lacking in some of the younger generations, which is a concern being written about all over the place online it seems. 
 
These hot topic concepts also come up often in my office frequently, particularly when parents begin to recognize that these are character traits that their children, teens, or young adults seem to lack. I hear comments and concerns from parents due to their children or teens not being able to persist or manage their frustration during difficult tasks. Sometimes, it shows up in their inability to make decisions and follow through on them because they are fearful of their ability to manage a possible “wrong” decision. 
 
I thought it could be helpful to write a blog with my tips for ways parents can help their children build resilience and grit from a young age to help prevent some of these challenges. As a psychologist who specializes in treating individuals across the lifespan and in working with parents, I believe that I have a unique perspective on how this trait may develop in small ways over a life. 
 
Before we get into this topic too much, it might help to give some background on these concepts. 
 
Resilience
I love the way resilience is described in this article on the American Psychological Association’s website – “Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress… It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.” (You can find the original article and related information on resilience here).
 
Grit
As described by Angela Duckworth in her TED talk on grit (Check it out here!), grit is “perseverance and passion for long-term goals.” 
 
I believe the most important thing to know about resilience and grit is that they are character traits that can be developed and are not innate things that we either have or don’t have. These traits result from conscious choices about how we cope with the world and how we handle the adversity that we will inevitably face in our lives. 
 
Hopefully these brief descriptions help you see just how important these traits are. Resilience is essentially the ability to continue when life is difficult and to overcome failure and Grit is the tendency to persist when the road to overcome failure becomes tough. 
 
6 Ways to help your child develop resilience and grit: 
 
1.  Expect that life will have challenges
I love that parents want to raise their children with the mindset that things will go well for them. I totally can relate to wanting to have things be smooth for your child – it is really tough to watch your child struggle! However, this idea that things will go well and that problems are the anomaly is unfortunately completely inaccurate and misguided. Challenges in life are the norm and should be expected. Therefore, we as parents can do our best job for our kids by preparing them for challenges and how to use them as learning experiences! 
 
I think normalizing challenge and struggle for your children is important and you can do that in many ways. For example saying something like, “I know that is tough, sometimes things in life will be tough for us, but we can handle it” or “Life can be really unfair and difficult sometimes, I think this is one of those times, but I know we can get through it together.” Another way you can do this is by sharing some of your own challenges with them. For example, if your child is struggling in a friendship, you can say something about how you remember what that was like for you as a child and the ways you learned to deal with the feelings you had. This will help them know they are not alone and that they are not the only ones dealing with a difficulty. 
 
2.  Allow them to experience failure
This is absolutely crucial!  I hear from parents all the time just how much they want their kids to be happy and to succeed. However, they often mistakenly help their kids avoid failure too much and prevent them from the learning opportunities that come with failing. This can give them the message that they are not capable to dealing with or surviving challenges. 
 
I would even take this one step further and suggest that you as a parent embrace failure. Failure means so many wonderful things – it means that you tried something new that was outside of your comfort zone, it means you pushed yourself and found your limit with something, failure means that you were brave. We often have a negative perception of failure in our culture and I would encourage us to reconsider this, especially as parents!  Failure is not the worst thing by any means, it is a step on your path and a learning opportunity. (Check out my longer blog post on this very topic here).
 
3.  Let your kids make decisions and deal with the outcomes
Let’s say that your child is debating about what sport they want to play or what class they want to take in school. You know that the one they are choosing may not be entirely the best fit for them but they really want to try it. I would recommend you let them make the decision and then deal with how it turns out. Maybe they love it – great, they now made a decision that worked out for them and that’s a great learning experience!  Maybe they hate it – great, now they have made a decision that they can learn so much from. The best part of them hating it is that you can then work with them on how they deal with a difficult class, teacher, sport, etc. for the duration of the semester, season, etc. 
 
Another example would be for a younger child when they choose ice cream at the ice cream shop you are pretty sure they will hate. Let them choose and then don’t rescue them from the outcome. Everything in life is there to teach us something so help them find the lesson there!  
 
4.  Don’t rescue too much or too quickly
When your child is struggling with something, try not to just jump in and either do it for them, fix the problem, or correct their mistake. Try to figure out exactly where their skill level is for dealing with that situation and then support them through scaffolding, expecting them to push themselves a little bit beyond their existing skill level to deal with it. For example, when your child is completing a puzzle and feels that it is too hard, push them to work for a few more minutes before you come to help. When you come over to help, don’t just do it for them or point out where the pieces go, talk them through their process of decision making and give little suggestions that will help them figure it out on their own. 
 
The most important thing is that if you as a parent view challenges as opportunities to learn, your child will too! 
 
5.  Teach your kids to persist through challenges 
So when a challenging situation comes up, model for them how to deal with it in a healthy, persistent way. It helps if you have a positive attitude about life’s challenges also!
 
Our language around challenges really matters in these situations – here are some examples of ways to talk positively about challenges: 
  • “Oh this is tough, what a great way to learn!”
  • “I love a challenge”
  • “Mistakes and challenges help our brain grow”
  • “Let’s try to look at this another way”
  • “It’s important that we keep trying rather than giving up”
  • “I think we can figure this out together” 
  • “I know it’s tough but we can do hard things” 
 
6.  Be comfortable with your own struggle and failures 
If you can feel comfortable with the fact that things will not always go our way in life, you will inevitably pass that message on to your child. If you expect perfection or things to go smoothly, you will pass that on to your child too. So, I think it is important that you think about your relationship with adversity while you think about how to help your child through it. If you notice that you struggle with your own failures or with being resilient or having grit, perhaps it would be a good time to work on that in yourself while you work on it with your child!  
 
Some great resources for developing more grit and resilience for yourself as an adult: 
  • Brene Brown’s work – All of her books are amazing but Rising Strong speaks to this the most 
  • Angela Duckworth – Her Ted Talk or book, Grit would be a great place to start!
  • Researching information on Growth Mindset – there are a ton of resources online!
  • Pema Chodron’s work and books 
  • ​Sheryl Sandberg's book Option B has a great discussion on building resilience 
 
I hope that this list can be a jumping off point for you in learning how to help your child overcome adversity to develop more grit and resilience! If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 
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The Importance of Redefining Failure

5/21/2018

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman 

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As a therapist, the topic of failure comes up often in my work both with adults and with children/teens and their families. Over time, the topic of failure and redefining failure has become something that I am very passionate about. Part of this comes from my own personal history, as well as from my work with those grappling with their fears of failure or experiences they believe are failures. 
 
Personally, I like to say that I am a “recovering perfectionist” because, well I work hard to defeat some of my perfectionistic tendencies, one of which is to fear and avoid failure. As a child, I often felt like a failure simply because I viewed myself in many ways as not good enough. This feeling was deeply connected, as perfectionism often is, to a deeper, underlying feeling of shame. Interestingly, the experiences that I have had through my life that have allowed me to grow and really work on my perfectionism, shame, and fear of failure have been horribly painful and difficult at the time. At times, I believe that I have most certainly failed during these experiences and while I would not necessarily “choose” them again, I can reflect on the growth and understanding they have brought to my life and believe they were worth it. 
 
I find that these are also the experiences that allow me to relate so much with my clients. So many of my lovely, amazing clients have experienced the same feelings and fears of failure and these experiences have allowed me to grow into the therapist that I am, who can hopefully support and help them through these feelings and fears because I have truly been there. Walking with my clients through this experience is still one of the most profound experiences I have in my work. 
 
So, that is a bit of the long, and personal, story of why I am passionate about redefining failure. I believe that if more of us believed that failure was an essential part of life, that it is productive and helpful, and not the worst thing in the world – we would as a whole be happier, more productive, and more resilient to deal with our failures. The truth is, we are all flawed as humans and we are going to fail and screw up and totally miss the mark sometimes. Isn’t it time that we accepted that and moved on rather than continued to punish and blame ourselves for our failures?
 
I love this quote by Michael Jordan where he talks about his failures and how they ultimately led to his successes. So often, it is the failure that leads us to success and there are so many famous stories that show this. 
 
So, how can we as flawed humans view failure differently?  I believe that we can think about and talk about failure differently for a start in the right direction. For example, we can look for the lesson and the opportunity to grow in every failure. I imagine that when Michael Jordan missed game winning shots, he spent very little time belaboring the pain of the miss and more time evaluating what could have been different and what he needed to learn to do better next time. If we start looking at every failure as an opportunity to learn something crucial for our success, it will likely feel differently and a lot less scary. 
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

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Becoming a Mother Blog: 6 Month Reflections

2/16/2018

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

So, in the past 5.5 wonderful, sleep-deprived, crazy, amazing months with my lovely and at times challenging little baby, I feel that I have a somewhat different perspective on the challenges of parenting than I had in my pre-parent life as a parent coach and child and teen psychologist. I say somewhat different because I feel that much of the parenting values that I had developed over the years of working with families remain the same for me. I truly feel that I have tried very hard to honor the fact that even while I have been a “parenting expert” for many years, when it comes to actually being a parent I have known absolutely nothing apart from the theoretical. I do feel that I was well prepared for parenting in the sense that I theoretically was aware of challenges that come up. While I now know that I had no idea of how the challenges would affect me emotionally, I am grateful for the years I have spent with families and parents that have helped shape who I am as a person, therapist, and now parent.
 
As I mentioned, my perspective on parenting is different because I now know what it is to have my heart living outside my body. I had no idea just how busy a life can be as a new mother. Never have I understood more the urge to protect someone at all costs. Or the urge to just weep with love, a different love than I have ever experienced or even could wrap my head around before. Or the urge to drive myself completely crazy with questions, insecurity, and unknowns.
 
The unknowns of parenting have been particularly difficult for me. As many readers may know, I refer to myself often as a “recovering perfectionist.” I say “recovering” because I still have many perfectionistic tendencies that I recognize and try hard to work through differently. I’ve learned that beating myself up, feeling that my worth is wrapped in whatever I perceive as success in that moment, or expecting perfection even when I don’t believe in perfection just doesn’t make sense anymore. As I was saying, the unknowns of parenting really challenge me my so-called “recovery.” I feel so much more lately… more raw, more insecure, more love, more uncertain, and that there is so much more to know and understand all the time. I also feel so compelled to be “good at” being a mom or that I am doing the “right” things that it can be tough to recognize what is going well. Plus, there are so many ideas about “right” when it comes to parenting that there really is no benchmark apart from loving your kids and trying to recognize and meet their needs.
 
For example, I recently had to travel to my hometown in Michigan for the funeral of my beloved grandmother. The decision making process was so much more complicated around this trip than I ever understood pre-parenthood. Do I take the baby?  Does my husband come?  Do I even need to go?  Are we ready to take our son on a possibly germ infested and flu infested trek across the country?  How will I handle feeding him if I take him or not (since I exclusively pump his milk, this is always a consideration for us but more complicated with traveling)? How will I pump either way? Most of all… Am I a bad mom for leaving him? Am I a bad mom for taking him on this ridiculously long trip across the country for a 36 hour stay?  The list of questions goes on and on. Even though I typically am no longer as concerned with what others think of me as I’ve grown as an adult and professional, a lot of my fear was wrapped up in how others would perceive me. Not just, am I a bad mom, but will others think I am a bad mom?  What will people think if he cries on the plane?
 
For someone who has a tendency to overanalyze (perhaps as a hazard of my profession as a therapist), the amount of time I can spend thinking about my parenting decisions is truly absurd. Some days, I am so deep in the whole of “how do we start him on solids” or “how do we ever figure out why he does/doesn’t sleep” that I could spend hours googling only to find “experts” with all different, and often opposite, opinions. Other days, I feel in my heart that it’s okay. I can research but not drive myself crazy with it. I have this sense of knowing that I am the right parent for my son and that though I will make mistakes, I will be okay, he will be okay, and our little family will be okay. These days are experienced as hopeful and filled with love and gratitude.
 
While my world has been completely shook up and is still in the process of resettling, I would not trade this for anything. Yes, I am exhausted and overwhelmed in a way that I never imagined. But I am also so much happier and filled with love and purpose. My new goal is to figure out ways that I can take on the challenges of parenting while managing my expectations of myself and my little family. Hopefully that way I can have more hopeful, loving, and grateful days and a few less raw, overanalyzed, anxious days.
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. We would love to support you on your parenting journey either through individual, family therapy, child/teen therapy, or parent consultation!
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. 
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