Thrive Therapy Blog

4 Themes From Encanto to Explore With Your Child

3/16/2022

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

If your house is anything like ours, Encanto has been watched, and listened to, A LOT! It’s very cute because my son has picked up on the fact that I love this movie as well so when he really wants to watch something and connect with me he will ask for “Encanto and popcorn.” Something that I really love about this movie is how many amazing themes it incorporates and provides concrete ways to discuss some really tough things in life. Like how hard it can be to feel that others expect you to be able to solve every problem (Luisa) or how we might feel our value is only in being “perfect” (Isabella). Or, how much a family is impacted by trying to hide difficult things and not talking about them (Bruno and Mirabel). So, I thought it might be helpful to share a bit about how I, as a child therapist and parent, use the film to explore topics with my son (who is 4 so some of this is for younger kids).

One of my son’s favorite questions about the movie is, why didn’t Mirabel get a gift?
What a great question right? This is a great way to talk about how the family has secrets and is not dealing with the hard things coming up so the magic seemed to find a way to force them to talk about it. First, by trying to show something was wrong by not giving her a gift, and second, by giving Bruno a vision about her. I use this question as a way to weave in the importance of facing our problems and dealing with hard things. We talk about how the magic was there to help the family and that because Abuela wanted to protect the magic by always being of service to everyone and holding tight to “sunshine”, it started to break down. Pretending everything is okay all the time causes harm. Just ask poor Tia Pepa always trying to imagine “clear skies” instead of dancing in the rain!

Another helpful topic is using Luisa’s struggles to explore how it’s okay to ask for help and not be strong all the time. With older kids, it can help to use her situation to explore how unrealistic expectations are the hardest pressures to deal with in life. With my son, I talk about how Luisa feels that she needs to do everything because she is so strong but that it is okay to take a break, ask for help, and that one person should never be the one in a family shouldering all the problems or challenges. We talk about how families are a team and how we need to help each other.

Onto one of my favorite topics of all time, perfection! Specifically, perfection is not a great goal. My son and I talk a lot about how Isabella felt that she had to be a certain way, perfect, to be loved and of use in the family but that when she allowed herself to feel things fully, she was happier and more herself. We love watching her sing and dance and create things totally her own. I think this is a great image for parents when they are considering what they hope for in their child’s life. Instead of perfect Isabella who seemed pretty unhappy at times, we should hope for an Isabella who dances in the magic of her own creations with joy.

Now back to Mirabel of course. While my son loves asking about how she didn’t get a gift, as a therapist, I know a secret. She did get a gift. The gift of empathy. Watching how she was able to connect with all of her family members so well to truly see them, what they needed, and to show them love through their struggles was truly beautiful. Especially as a therapist because she reminded me of what we do every day in our offices. Even if others may not always understand, we know that the Isabella we want is the one who is messy and joyful, not “perfect,” and that the Luisa we want is the one who is resting and helpful because she chooses it, not because her worth is tied to her productivity. While disrupting family patterns is not always easy, it certainly is brave and it was heartwarming to see her family embrace her and the magic reward them all by coming back. Hopefully, all of our lives can embrace a bit of magic that helps us move more in the direction of doing things in line with who we truly are.

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

Perfect Parenting is NOT the Goal

2/9/2022

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

As parents, there is so much pressure on us to try to do everything right, perfectly, or as well as possible as we raise our children. I think this has a lot to do with how much information there is regarding parenting and child development that we have access to. Additionally, there has been a shift culturally with people relating challenges they experience in their life to the parenting they received as a child.

As a therapist, this connection between past and present is often a topic in my sessions both with adults and often young adults. It certainly has been a topic of my own personal therapy sessions! Interestingly, since my clinical work also focuses heavily on parenting, and since I have become a mom and felt this immense pressure on parents myself, I also have a slightly different perspective on this tendency to expect parents to be perfect.

I fundamentally believe that it is impossible to parent perfectly. I also don’t think that it is a goal we should even have, and not just because it is impossible to accomplish but also because it is actually not helpful for our children to have perfect parents. I know this might sound strange to some of you, particularly if you don’t read my blog often, but our children are not served well by being led by people who are doing things perfectly.

You see, how to repair things with the people we love after we mess up is one of the most important things we figure out in our lives. How can we possibly learn how to do this if we have parents who never mess up and as such, never need to repair?

So, parents, a crucial part of parenting is acknowledging and accepting that you will not be perfect and that you will inevitably screw up, possibly in big ways. Once you can accept this, you can hopefully also open yourself up to learning how to repair with your child when you do mess up. Perhaps you mess up by yelling in response rather than calmly explaining things to them. In this situation, the best thing to do is to reconnect and repair with your child once you feel calm.

These moments are surprisingly simple, but can be challenging not to fill in with unnecessary words and emotion. The best strategy is to take a compassionate yet matter of fact approach and to explain, “yesterday when I yelled at you, I was wrong. I am so sorry and imagine you may have felt scared, upset, or sad. You have every right to feel that way. I am sorry for doing that and will try my best to speak to you calmly in the future. I love you and you do not deserve to be yelled at.”

Another way to handle things in the moment is to stop yourself, slow down, and simply explain that you do not like the way you are responding to them and ask if you can “restart.” If you can easily reconnect, go for it! If your child is reluctant to reconnect and restart, allow them time to feel their feelings and find time later to acknowledge what happened and that you messed up, similar to the above situation.

For many of us who had parents who never apologized or acknowledged their challenges, this is likely to feel very uncomfortable! The good news in this current parenting culture is that we are doing things differently so that opens us up to consider what we might have appreciated or what might have helped us as people when we were kids. Then, we can simply try our best to do that. And for those of us whose parents did not apologize, just imagine what it would feel like if your parent truly acknowledged the mistakes they made, your feelings, and allowed a conversation about that now. It would do wonders for your healing, growth, and relationship!

We all have an opportunity to create this kind of family climate from this point forward.

Let’s do it - imperfectly of course.

Strengths-Based Parenting

2/2/2022

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

As the saying goes, there is no user manual that comes with having a child. However, the amount of parenting advice, either asked for or not asked for, begins being shared not too long after someone announces they are pregnant. As much as someone might want to be the perfect parent, we all know that perfect parenting is not possible for anyone! It can be easy to become frustrated about ways you might feel like you are not doing the best, or exasperated when your efforts to help your child follow rules are not working. If you have been feeling this way, I would encourage you to take a moment to think about what you know you are doing well. What is one thing about parenting you know you are good at? As the title of this blog says, this is a start to parenting from a strengths-based perspective.
So what is a strengths-based perspective? In short, it puts more emphasis on catching and elevating your child’s strengths to help them become more confident, gain independence, and engage in more positive behaviors (like sharing their toys with their siblings or doing the dishes). There are a variety of ways someone can incorporate a strengths-based approach into their parenting style. Here are a few of them!

Take time to think about what your child’s top strengths are. Maybe your child is really generous, or maybe they are great at showing they care for others. This could show up as them deciding on their own to share their toy with their friend, or it might mean that when they see a child fall, they are one of the first ones to make sure the child is okay.
Point out when they use their strengths. This is similar to the idea of “catching them doing good”. Whatever their top strengths are, try letting them know you see them using that strength. This continues to increase the likelihood that they will engage in more positive behaviors while increasing their confidence and likelihood to try new tasks.
Reframe weaknesses as areas of growth. This can look like remembering that though your child might be struggling with something now, it does not mean they always will. When thinking about myself as a child, let’s just say forgiveness was an area of growth. It was very easy for me to hold a grudge, but over time, I was able to see that holding grudges really wasn’t benefitting me. If your child is in a similar situation, when you see them forgiving someone else, you can “catch” them and say “I love the way you were able to forgive them”. This encourages them to continue doing so!
Recognize the strengths you have as a parent. Yes, I think this is important enough to say twice in the same blog. :) With anything in life, it is so easy to notice our shortcomings more often than the things we are really good at. By recognizing your own strengths, it helps model for your child to notice theirs as well.

All in all, remembering to give yourself grace is so important. No matter the image anyone portrays, no one is a perfect parent (or always has an easy going child). If you ever respond to your child in a way that you wish you hadn’t - it’s okay! There will always be a next time and repair is the most important thing you can do as a parent.

5 Ways to Support Teens with Low Self-Esteem

1/19/2022

By Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

Being a teen can be difficult to say the least. While it is a time of self-exploration, figuring out who you are and what you value, it is also a time when it becomes especially easy to compare yourself to others. A teen might not make the sports team or pass that difficult class, or may start to compare how they look to their peers. Most teens end up struggling with low self-esteem at some point. It can feel painful as a parent to see your child doubt themselves, but thankfully there are a few things parents can do to help their teen gain confidence in themselves.

Make space to listen rather than problem-solve. I think this is hands down the best thing one could do. Providing a space where your teen can share how they are feeling without providing a solution can make them feel heard and seen. It can be so easy to quickly point out what is great about them - there are likely several things that are great about them! However, sometimes it can end up feeling invalidating. Instead, you can just reflect to them how they are feeling by saying “I know you’re feeling down” or “I know you’re really frustrated with this class”.
Focus on efforts rather than outcomes. For myself, science was always the most difficult class and the tests that I never quite got the grade I was hoping for. I remember when someone told me “you worked really hard and that matters a lot”. It was so encouraging to have someone praise the effort I put into it, because even when I did not get the grade I could still be proud of myself for the extra studying. If your teen is dealing with low self-esteem regarding a class, not making the sports team, or just not meeting their expectations, try praising them for the efforts they put into it.
Encourage them to try new things. Encouraging your teen to try a new activity can help boost confidence and gain practice in putting themselves out there. Whether they do well or do not meet their expectations, you can reflect the courage it takes to try new activities.
Speak kindly to yourself. This is a great way to model positive self-talk! Many of us (including myself) are skilled in identifying the things we dislike about ourselves. Creating the habit of using positive self-talk with ourselves can be a good way to demonstrate it to teens.
Help them reflect on ways they have grown. When experiencing low self-esteem, all-or-nothing thinking can set it. It might leave them feeling like they have never been good enough and won’t ever be. Helping them identify things that were once difficult for them that they now do with ease can increase self-confidence.

Gaining self-esteem is a gradual process. Listening to your teen, reflecting their feelings, and being there for them are some of the best ways to help them increase their self-confidence.

5 Signs You Desperately Need a Social Media Detox

1/12/2022

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

I think social media definitely has some positives. I still remember the day in high school I first signed up for a social media account. It was exciting to have a way to talk with friends outside of school in a time when most teens did not have their own phone. It can be a creative way to connect with friends and loved ones, especially those that live far away. However, I do think it has some downsides. It’s so easy to keep scrolling through photos and videos, seeing the highlights of the lives of others, seeing more ups than downs, and seeing fun nights out rather than potential lonely nights in. Maybe you’ve been feeling that you use social media too much or wonder how it might be impacting you. If that’s you, here are some signs that a social media detox might be beneficial for you and your mental health.

You feel down after looking through social media. This one might be obvious, but if you find yourself feeling sad, anxious, or down after spending time on social media, taking a break or reducing your use could be helpful. If you aren’t sure how social media is affecting your emotions, I’d encourage you to try to pay attention to how you are feeling before and after going on social media. It might give you a better sense for how it is affecting you.
You feel increased levels of “fomo”, or fear of missing out. Social media can make it seem like interesting things are happening all the time to everyone. It also makes it seem like people are usually with friends instead of having nights alone, let alone ever feeling lonely. However, social media often isn’t an accurate portrayal of real life. There is no possible way to be part of all friend hang outs or go to every concert that shows up in one’s social media feed. It’s okay to have nights at home by yourself! If you’re experiencing that fear of missing out, it could be an opportunity to be the one to plan a coffee trip with a friend or movie night. Others will likely be grateful that you reached out to them.
You’re comparing yourself more often to others. People usually document fun or celebratory events, like a promotion, rather than when they failed a big test or had an argument with their partner. You might feel like you are behind in life, not reaching various “milestones” at the speed others seem to be. I can guarantee you many others feel the same way. If you notice yourself feeling this way, this might be a sign to take a pause from social media.
You’re feeling more insecure about your physical appearance. It is so easy to start comparing how you look to others on social media. Photo filters that make skin look porcelain are ever prevalent. Remember that most people do not have perfectly clear skin or frizz-free hair all the time. Everyone feels insecure about how they look at one time or another, but if this is happening more often, I’d encourage you to take a break from scrolling and see if your level of confidence about yourself improves.
You feel urges to document your day or events you go to. It can be exciting to share what is going well with others, like showing photos of that good dinner you ate, or that you saw a gorgeous San Diego sunset (we really do have some of the best!). However, if you are experiencing urges to post when exciting things happens, there might be some reasons behind it. Does it ever feel like if you don’t post something, it didn’t happen? Or that you need others to see that you have it all together? Paying attention to how often you feel the urge to post on social media can be a good indicator if it is time for a social media detox.

Going about a social media detox can look different for everyone, so here are a few different ways. Cutting it all out at once can work really well for some people. For others, myself included, choosing a smaller goal is more helpful. This might be taking a break from a specific social media app of your choice. For myself, I have found choosing a time of day to not login has been the most helpful. I decided to not login during the first and last 30 minutes of my day. This has allowed me to have time to set intentions for the day and to reflect on the day before falling asleep. Committing to a small step can be challenging at first, but the positive effects on mental health can be significant.

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

How do we know when enough is enough?

8/28/2020

As a recovering perfectionist, it can be tough for me to assess when I think I am meeting my own goals and when enough is enough in my life. This is something that I have learned to balance and work through during normal life but I have noticed that this has been a much bigger challenge during the Covid19 pandemic. I have noticed this for myself as well as almost across the board for my clients who also struggle with perfectionism.

While we can always theoretically, in our heads, understand that yes, we are living in a pandemic and that it is REALLY HARD; it seems to be a whole other thing to figure out what is actually realistic to expect of ourselves or even others right now.

There also seems to be a competing push-pull kind of dynamic within me lately where there is part of me that is like, let’s take this opportunity to relax and just slow our lives down and enjoy the simpler things. Then there is a whole other side that is like, “that is total BS and I want to do ALL the things and if ALL the things aren’t possible, I want to at least do everything that I am ABLE to do right now. I want to bake, and garden, and decorate my house, and work on work projects, and home projects, and accomplish every health goal I have ever had - oh and spend as much quality time with my family as possible!”

Wait, does that side sound a bit unhinged and out of touch with reality? It certainly does when you write it out and consider just how much stress many of us are enduring right now given the state of our world. It seems obvious in this moment that it is unrealistic to expect that much of myself given the fact that life is so much simpler but also more complicated these days.

Decisions have become exponentially more complicated due to all the variables we need to consider. When doing something, we have to now consider our safety and possible risk in addition to all the variables we used to consider like time, resources, finances, desires and interest in doing things. Our cost/benefit analyses of situations have gotten more complicated along with our decisions.

After over 5 months of living like this, I think most of us are worn out from how tiring and overwhelming this new reality is… I think that part of why we want to accomplish ALL of the things is so that we can live more in a space of doing rather than being. The truth is, it’s hard to just BE right now because to do that we likely need to feel a lot of the feelings that doing helps us avoid. It’s really painful to grieve our lives in such a dramatic way and sit with the pain of knowing that this situation does not seem to be getting any better anytime soon and is so dramatically impacting so many people much more seriously than many of us.

The sadness, grief, and feelings of despair can be overwhelming for many of us. And for some of us, we respond by making dramatic to-do lists of all the things we should do. I think that as long as we are being kind, compassionate, and realistic with ourselves and our expectations and can hold space for the fact that that just might be unrealistic and need to be revised, this might be an okay strategy to get through this time. If we are struggling with being kind to ourselves and changing up our plans when we need to, we might need to take some time to lean into those feelings and let them have some space for a minute so that we can figure out what is going on and what we need to get through this.

Even more so lately, life seems to be a delicate balance between finding motivation and energy for the future and our goals but also letting ourselves enjoy the moments we do have now and resting or finding something to do that is rejuvenating to our spirits and emotions. Just like everything else, this is more complicated than it used to be as there are more variables to consider. It is however, a worthwhile and important process to engage in to help us cope as best we can with a very difficult and uncertain future.

If you or your loved ones need more support during this time, we are accepting new clients at Thrive via telehealth and work with clients of all ages! Contact us today for more information about individual or group therapy sessions!

Can we "cancel" the word "should?"

5/23/2020

"As it should be"
“You should”
“I should”

How often do we all hear some variation of these kinds of statements either within ourselves and our thoughts or from others in our world? We are all inundated with information about what we “should” be doing which essentially becomes a list of the ways we are failing or also a way for others to impress upon us their values and what they think about our lives, choices, etc.

I’ve personally decided that I’m done with statements like that. You see, as a recovering perfectionist, these statements are like poison for my brain. In the past, I would agonize over the shoulds in the world and use them as ammunition against myself. My list of shoulds was a list of failures and ways to remind myself that I’m lacking.

I notice a trend right now in my work and that’s that a lot of people seem to be bumping up against their ideal expectations of others, or themselves. Fueled by perfect images on social media or just our own thoughts of what we ‘should’ or what our kids or partners ‘should’ be like or be doing right now. I feel concerned about how much this is going to impact all of us going forward as the mixed messages between “take care of yourself - it’s a pandemic” and “you should really get your beach body, have a color-coded parenting chart, etc.” are just downright confusing. Additionally, we are all operating in more isolation than we have in the past, so we have less positive input from others as well as less opportunities to feel supported interpersonally. This leads us to be ripe for insecurity and uncertainty about our choices - and especially vulnerable to shaming statements that lead with the idea of “should.”

It’s important to note that our ideal thoughts of who we should be or want to be are just that, an ideal. It’s great if you use the idea of your ideal self as motivation in a kind, self-compassionate way, but once we weaponize the ideal- trouble is coming. Here come the shame and shoulds and feelings of “not enough.” As I mentioned, during this challenging time in our world, any increased feelings of internal struggle or shame are just going to make this harder to get through in a healthy way.

Here are some strategies that I use to help myself through the “shoulds” when they come my way, either from myself or my well-meaning loved ones.

Find the narrative
When I find myself feeling either overwhelmed, irritated with obligations or people, sad, or in a state of shame, I have learned to try to pause and think things through before reacting too much. I try to check in with myself to see what the narrative or story is that I am telling myself about the situation.

Recognize when your expectations are unrealistic and based in ideals
When we have expectations of ourselves based on ideals, they are usually rooted more in fantasy rather than reality. For example, I bump up on the idea that as a mom who is also a therapist and parent consultant, I should always be able to set effective boundaries with my son. He’s a toddler by the way, so most of you reading this probably know that this is entirely unrealistic. Because in my head, effective boundaries equal him listening to me when I ask him to do things. And well, that apparently is not the way it goes on any day ending in y! So, this is one of those expectations that was unconscious and unknown until the quarantine as we are home so much more with him to feel tested and a lack of patience. And the moments when I am at my least patient and just want him to listen are the times that then I start having the “shoulds” come in. Thoughts like “If only I was parenting better, he would listen all the time” or “a better therapist would always be caring and patient with a toddler” and my favorite, “when I babysat and nannied, the kids listened to me and I didn’t take it all so personally.” This last one is my favorite, because I honestly know deep in my heart that kids generally listen better to everyone but their parents. But when it’s my kid not listening to me, it feels so much harder!

Figure out the language so you can pay attention and reframe it
This is the entire idea of this blog… We need to figure out what language is a good cue to pay attention to so that we can take a step back and work through our expectations a bit more. For me, “should” is a big one as well as anytime I bump up on ideal kinds of expectations which honestly almost always include the word “should” as well. However, others might have other words that come up while feeling this way or that trigger these feelings. It is up to all of us to try and figure out how we interact with language, expectations, and ideals so that we can better manage our responses.

Ask is there a deeper emotional need you would like to tend to?
Sometimes, actually probably often, I have found that if I am feeling frustrated about someone else’s “shoulds” for me or my own, it might indicate a lack of balance or unresolved feelings about a decision I have made. I think that it is crucial for parents to try to learn to check in with themselves about their own needs and if they are being met to help make sure we are reacting from a place of intention and more of our best selves. Even in our current “shelter in place” situations, we need to try to figure out what is missing and what on earth we can do about it.

I hope these ideas are helpful for you! Most of all, hang in there parents! At Thrive, we are happy to help support you and your family if you are struggling right now! We are accepting new referrals both for individual therapy and parent consultation but also group therapy! We have three groups currently – Teen Anxiety, Young Adult, and Parent Support. Check out this page for more information!

How to Support Your Loved Ones During Coronavirus

4/24/2020

Dr. Erica Wollerman shares all about what people are truly looking for while in a place of struggle.

I’ve been reflecting a lot about how things have been going for many of us, particularly those of us who have been struggling to manage our stress or feelings during the current pandemic and shelter in place orders.

Which is possibly, all of us at one time or another.

I think this situation is highlighting the challenges our society has had with many, many things and how we handle emotions is really just one of them. It is, however, a big one.

Especially right now and especially for those of us who access our emotions more readily.

I had some thoughts about what others could do to help and wanted to share them!

The biggest suggestion I have is this… Be the person who cares to listen to the truth when you ask someone how they are. Be brave enough to just listen rather than trying to fix it. Especially now... our world feels lonely and even those who are surrounded by people might feel unseen and unheard. Let’s hold off on any problem solving for a while as it places pressure on us to have what just IS, not BE.

I personally am well equipped to help people experience their emotions mostly because I am a therapist and it is literally what I do all day. While it can be a challenge, it is valuable beyond measure for people to feel connected, seen, head, and understood. I am personally of the belief that this is what most of us are truly craving while we are in a place of struggle.

Unfortunately, when people offer suggestions too quickly, it takes us out of a place of connection of equals and puts us in a place of feeling that emotions are to be avoided and need to be fixed. It can create an expert-subordinate kind of dynamic that just does not feel like connection but like you are in trouble for your emotions or shouldn’t have them.

For example, recently I was sharing about my grief related to changes in my life due to the coronavirus pandemic. I have been preparing to create and launch an online course (surprise!) for many months and have had this planned to roll out this year. Unfortunately, due to the current situation and our lack of child care it is just not realistic for me to continue working on this right now. I was sharing about how sad this is and have heard a lot of suggestions and comments that sound like this…

Maybe you can still...
Maybe you can create time for it somehow…
Maybe you need to focus on this, it’s really important…
But it’s such a good idea and you really want to do it…

While these comments and suggestions were genuinely meant to be helpful and supportive - they were after all encouraging me towards my goals - they did not feel helpful or supportive but like more pressure that I don’t need. As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve struggled with managing expectations of myself during this time of change and transition. It has happened so quickly that I first resented the changes and held so tight to my previous goals. This just led me to feel so much anxiety and pressure. Why? Because my previous expectations and goals are no longer realistic. I’m able to work maybe 60% of the time I was before and comparably to other parents with young kids, that’s actually amazing. I’m lucky to do that. However, I still have a business to run and clients to see and a family to help support emotionally and financially and that means that some of my other goals are just going to have to be on the back burner for a bit. This doesn’t mean I am giving up, not managing my time well, or that there is some solution for this that I couldn’t find (and need someone else’s help to find for that matter) – it means I am accepting reality on its terms.

If someone tells you something is just not realistic for them right now, believe them. Honor their pain and struggle that it took to tell you that and hold space for them to be sad about the conclusion they drew that is inevitable. I know this is uncomfortable because a lot of us like to believe nice ideas about life like, “you can do anything.” I’m here as a mama-business owner- and generally tired person saying, nope. I can’t do anything. It’s not worth the stress or burnout so I am just going to do what is possible and enjoy the process as much as I can.

This has been a theme in my sessions with clients recently too. More of us, particularly those of us characterized as sensitive, need less problem solving and more genuine support. We just need someone to listen and hear our pain and struggle, not someone to help us take it away.

There are two things people are looking for in emotional conversations…

To feel seen and understood
Connection with a person who cares

Unfortunately, when you meet emotion and a search for connection with problem solving all you end up with is disconnection. Feeling less understood. And for me I also have to then renegotiate my new expectations with myself all over again because not only do I have perfectionistic tendencies that I work on daily, I also have people pleasing tendencies.

This is a time of change for many, especially those of us who struggled already to have reasonable expectations of ourselves. For those of you who love a perfectionist, please be gentle in your support and suggestions. I know it does not feel like you are doing anything when you just listen and confirm that our lives are indeed challenging, but this is EVERYTHING when someone is emotional.

The Problem with Rescuing Your Kids

6/5/2019

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

As a therapist who specializes in working with kids, teens, parents, and families, I have noticed a growing and very concerning trend in my work. So many of the kids, teens, and even young adults that I work with are struggling with anxiety, crippling perfectionism, and so much self doubt that they struggle to do things they desperately want to be doing. At the root of so much of this are feelings of incompetence and a huge fear of failure.

I have been contemplating this challenge and recent parenting trends and have noticed that this happens more in the families I work with where parents seem to be struggling to let their kids deal with things on their own. Unfortunately, these parents get kind of a bad rap as “helicopter” parents when in fact, they are parents who are simply struggling to know when it is appropriate to let their kid/teen/young adult fail or struggle through something. And the root of this struggle is usually so much love for their little one (who may not be so little anymore) as well as overwhelming fear about what might happen for their kid/teen/young adult if they do not participate so heavily in their lives.

This fear is one most parents know well. What if they don’t get into a good college? What if they make choices that screw up their whole life? What if they do something I can’t help them undo? What if they can’t get a good job? And the list just goes on and on. As a result (I believe), we are overdoing it in the parenting department. We are rescuing our kids way too much and then we come to find that our kids seem to need to be rescued. Weird huh.

When you look at what happens and what a person will think if they are being rescued from situations, it starts to make sense. When we rescue a person from a situation that they are either capable of handling on their own or almost capable of handling on their own, the message we are giving them is not one of their own ability but one of their need for us to handle things for them. We teach them that they need us and that they can’t do these things on their own. We teach them to ask for help before they need it, before problem solving on their own, and to at all costs avoid struggling with something.

Instead, we need to give our kids the following kinds of messages by verbalizing them as well as by our actions in letting them handle most problems on their own:

“I know you are struggling but you are also resourceful and able to figure things out on your own”
“I’m here to help but I can’t solve this problem for you”
“I have faith that you can figure this out”
“No matter what happens, we will figure this out together but you need to take some steps at solving the problem first”
“I know it’s hard, but you can do hard things”

I could go on and on but I won’t. The point is that we definitely need to help when it is needed. But we are so often confused about when it is needed that we are rescuing way too often, which is not helping our kids/teens/young adults develop into the independent and capable people that we know they are meant to be. I encourage you to trust yourself as a parent and trust your “little one,” however old they may be, that they can figure things out and will benefit from a little struggle and failure along the way. Just like most of us did on our way to becoming independent adults.

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

The Pressures of Parenting a Teen

8/7/2018

So, a topic that comes up a lot in my work with teens is pressure. Teens often feel a lot of pressure. They feel it from their parents, their schools, their friends, their followers on social media, and from the world around them as a whole. Even before social media came to be, it was really typical, and developmentally normal, for teens to feel that the whole world is watching them. And now they have proof that the whole world is watching, or not watching them, in terms of numbers of shares, likes, comments, snaps, texts, etc. As many parents recognize, it is a whole new ball game in raising kids, particularly teens.

What I notice to be really challenging for parents of teens is knowing how much pressure is enough, too much, or not enough. There is just so much pressure on teens, but also on their parents in our current society and culture. There is far more information known about development, parenting, and what is needed to be successful in our world. And honestly, as a new mom and therapist, I would say that there is way TOO MUCH information about all of it. There are a thousand parenting books out there and if I, the parenting “expert,” feel like I should read all of them despite my years of experience, education, and training on parenting, I can only imagine the pressure other parents feel.

With parenting teens, there is also the additional pressure of college plus a limited number of years left that our teens live with us. The questions arise... have I done a good job? Are they ready for the world? How are they going to do anything on their own? Will they get into college? Will they make it in the real world? I could go on and on and on because the questions and the doubts are just never-ending. This leads to a huge amount of pressure but also fear for parents. Unfortunately, this can translate to our kids as feeling that we doubt them, rather than we doubt ourselves.

Regardless of how much pressure you end up thinking your teen needs in order to help them thrive as a young adult, make sure that the message you give them is that they can do it, that you believe in them, and that you never, ever doubt them and their ability to be a successful person. Showing them you have faith in them will do more than pressure ever will!

But, Erica, how much pressure should I put on them???
Interestingly, there is no simple answer to the question, how much pressure is enough, where teens are considered. I believe that what is most important with teens and knowing the right amount of pressure is paying a lot of attention to who your kid is. If your teen is super motivated and puts a lot of pressure on themself without you intervening, then I think parents are in a lucky situation of really pulling back on their oversight of things. This group of kids needs independence and to be allowed some wiggle room to figure themselves out and how to manage the pressure they put on themselves.

If your teen is on the less motivated end of the spectrum, you most likely need to be providing some sort of extrinsic rewards to help them with their motivation. While this might seem like “pressure,” it is really just setting things up so that in order for your teen to have the things they like (phone, computer, friend time, etc.), they have to do the things they might not want to do (schoolwork, volunteering, chores, etc.).

While this discussion seems very categorical, I would actually suggest that it is just two ends of the spectrum that I am mentioning. Most kids are somewhere in between and need a nuanced approach of parent support, outside rewards, and then some level of wiggle room to make mistakes and figure out what they really want. If you feel that you need more support in figuring out how to support your teen, feel free to give our team at Thrive a call!  We love working with parents to help their teens be more successful and to help them feel good about what they are doing as parents.

One last note, where parents are considered in terms of how much pressure is enough, I’m going to be blunt and just say that it is almost always too much. Way. Too. Much. Pressure. From ourselves, and from others. When I write my blogs, I even worry that my voice is adding to the pressure parents feel to always do or say the “right” things for their kids and families. The truth is, we are all going to screw up a little bit and what really matters is remembering we as parents are a work in progress, and so are our kids and teens. They are just figuring life out too and we all need some grace and compassion!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

"As it should be"“You should”“I should”

Dr. Erica Wollerman shares all about what people are truly looking for while in a place of struggle.

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Blogs from the Thrive Family!

Categories

Archives

Call Today! 858-342-1304

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"As it should be"
“You should”
“I should”