As a mom and therapist, I have learned that there are lessons in almost anything we do. Interestingly, one of my latest “lessons” came while I took my son to a pool with a huge inflatable obstacle course. And when I say “lesson,” what I mean is something that I really do know intellectually but, at times, is hard to follow because my emotions might get in the way. 

Anyways, what happened is that I took my son to this pool to meet some friends and for him to swim and play on this rather large obstacle course. Despite it being entirely too cold, it was such a fun setup for him to really thrive. You see, my son is enamored with swimming and all things to do with water. He might get scared of amusement parks or small carnival rides at times, but give him a water slide, and he is in heaven. So, this was a great situation for him!  

Interestingly though, it was a bit tricky for me to navigate at times. You see, while my son is a “water-safe, independent” swimmer, according to his swim teacher, he often flails about when he is in another pool and especially when he is just with me or his dad. I still remember when he first went swimming with us after becoming a stronger, independent swimmer, and both of us thought that he just might drown because he was barely keeping his head above water at times. Then, we went back to his swim instructor, who told us he had regressed in his skills because we held him too much. 

So, that is when we first realized that he can do far more than it might seem he can do. Especially if it is something he can do independently but might wish at times for some help. 

Back to my story :) Here we are, in this pool with a huge inflatable course, and he falls off the edge to the other side. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go easily under it as that was against the rules. I remember thinking he would climb back up easily, but when he didn’t, I honestly got a little nervous despite the lifeguard sitting right there watching him (I could see her watching him but couldn’t see him, and he didn’t respond to me). And up until that moment, he had been grabbing onto me often so that he hadn’t been swimming on his own a lot. 

First, I tried to wait and thought he would yell to me or pop up somewhere on the course. But he didn’t. So, in my nervousness, I swam around to find him, and what did I see?  My son just swimming as happily as can be and easily in this deep water without an issue. 

It was at that moment that I recalled my knowledge that kids often will do well when left on their own. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is not save or help them too much. And obviously, this would be a different story if my son was not a strong, capable swimmer. Then, it would have been negligent to wait as long as I did. But in his case, this is an area he clearly excels and does not need a lot of support. 

Even while I knew this about him and would give this advice to parents, I had made the same mistake that so many of my clients and other parents make. I forgot just how capable he is and how important it is for him to be able to take calculated risks and demonstrate that capability in order to build his feelings of competence and sense of self. 

So often, our instinct as parents is to dive in quickly and save our children from possible mistakes or problems. We can see them coming and know how to avoid them. But the trick is that our kids don’t know that yet, and they will only learn it by experience. While it might be uncomfortable for parents, we need to let them leap out of our little nest and wobble a little as they learn to fly. We can block them from hitting trees, but shouldn't worry about a slight change in course or challenge along the way. That is part of the learning process! 

Here are some helpful reminders for all of us parents when it comes to letting our kids take risks: 

• Trusting our kids to assess risk is important to their development 
  
• If we save our kids from challenges, they will not learn how to avoid challenges on their own - or how to deal with the fallout afterward 
  
• Learning to ride a bike involves skinned knees. Life is like that too, we are going to have struggles and get a little dirty. Protecting our kids from that ends up harming them in the end! 
  

Also, summer is the absolute best time to allow your kids to take a few more risks!  Usually, summer involves different types of activities, time outside, new friends, camp, etc., and these are all opportunities for your child to increase their independence and feelings of capability. Make sure to communicate to them that you have FAITH in their ability to do hard things!  That you TRUST their judgment and ability to solve problems when needed. That will be huge, even if the situation is not going as planned for them. So often, kids rise to the challenge. We just need to let them and get out of their way a bit more!

It might seem strange that a parenting consultant writing blogs filled with parenting tips and ideas would say that there is not one right way to parent. Of course it seems strange!  We are parenting during a time when parents often find a specific parenting approach to use, perhaps it’s gentle parenting or respectful parenting, or attachment parenting. We also spend a lot of time reading about these ideas and philosophies. 

While a part of me LOVES the amount of effort and energy that goes into parenting, particularly as a child therapist, I am also pretty concerned about that very thing. The amount of time, energy, and resources that are being put into parenting our children are truly exhausting and only burning parents out more. We need to find a way to keep things a bit simpler so that parents can actually use the information they are reading about! 

I will never forget how I felt when my son was a baby and, despite being a “parenting expert,” just how overwhelming it was to receive the amount of information I was flooded with daily. How to help him sleep better, which way is the best way to help him sleep, where does he sleep, how much he should be eating, how he should be fed, what kind of playtime is best, how much stimulation he needs or doesn’t need, should I hold him when he cries or not, etc., etc., etc. The list could go ON FOR DAYS! And that is just the infant stage! 

So often, parents are spending sooo much time reading, researching, or feeling that they should be reading and researching more. They often also have very specific ideas of how they think parenting should go and how their child should respond. There are whole books about how to help your child develop the ever-elusive “grit.” And while I certainly value grit and resilience, unfortunately, not every child will respond the same way to the strategies in the books. Or even in my blogs! 

The tricky thing is that once we find a parenting style that we love and feel fits us, we might believe it is the right thing for everyone else too. Or that our child should respond well to the strategy that feels right to us. 

Interestingly, this often does not work out so well because instead of re-evaluating a strategy when it does not seem to work well for our child, some parents will just do more of the things they think should help. And this does not just apply to the gentler parenting approaches but the harsh ones too. Parents who use physical discipline (which I do not advocate for any child or family) will often just use more physical discipline even when it is not effective. Parents who are using gentle approaches, might just be more gentle when their child is not respecting their limits. 

I recommend a simple solution to a complicated issue. Parents need to be flexible in how they react to their children. We need to observe our child’s personalities more to try and figure out what they respond best to and how they interpret what parents are communicating. 

I have met plenty of families where the parents are being so gentle but the kids really need a more firm approach. I’ve also met families whose parents are too firm, and their kids could use more play and humor in their approach. It is all about gauging what your kids need and what feels right to you. In that, it is very family, parent, and child-specific and not one size fits all. 

The most important thing in my eyes is for parents to find a balance of communicating unconditional love to their kids as well as firm limits and boundaries. Depending on personalities and specific situations, this will look different in each family, but these are the main ingredients to use, regardless of specific parenting philosophy. 

If we keep parenting more simple in the foundation of what we try to accomplish, we can help more parents feel grounded, confident, and capable in their parenting. This helps them show up as a more sturdy leader that their kids are looking for, rather than someone unsure of what they are doing. While reflecting on your parenting, start by asking yourself these questions: Are my kids feeling loved? Am I setting enough boundaries? We can always fine-tune from there! 

As this blog series wraps up, thank you all for reading!  If you missed any of the topics please check out the below links:

• Erica's Top Seven Parenting Tips 
• #1 Appreciate Your Child For Who They Are 
• #2 Spending Quality Time Daily
• #3 Remember Everything Is Temporary
• #4 Practice Self Compassion 
• #5 Approach with Curiosity and Positive Intent   
• #6 Develop Resilience ​ ​
  

​If you need further support for your family and parenting, please feel free to reach out to us at Thrive!

Check out all of our blogs in this parenting series. Also, join our newsletter today for more information about future parenting courses that Erica is developing!  You don’t want to miss this!
​

Recently, I re-shared a post on social media about how this generation is being raised without limits and that this is well, leading them to be quite entitled and also not prepared for adulthood. Check out this article here. 

I re-shared it because I generally do agree with the information shared. However, I did find myself reflecting back on the article quite a bit and wanted to add just a bit of nuance and gray area. Without careful interpretation, the article could seem like it was saying we should parent as we have in the past, and this is where I disagree. 

You see, I find myself thinking about the pendulum swinging in parenting often. Not necessarily within one person or family, but within our culture. It seems that we went from one extreme, “children should be seen and not heard,” to another, “all things my child thinks and wants and says are valid,” “I will give my children anything and every opportunity,” or “I just want them to be happy.”  Honestly, as a child psychologist and parenting “expert” (tell that to my 5-year-old!) I think we need to work on finding some middle ground here.

Though I agree that we are not setting enough boundaries with children currently, I do not want us to revert to setting harsh boundaries without a sense of love and connection. The goal is boundaries that are set with love and rooted in the connection between parent and child. 

• While children should not be given every material item they might desire, I do think their requests can be responded to with empathy and compassion. 

 

• While they definitely do not need everything they think they need, their desire and disappointment can be held with love and firm limits. 

 

• Similarly, they do not need to be praised for every single thing, BUT they do deserve positive reinforcement and recognition for their efforts. 

 

• They need to know that their choices matter, but mistakes are also okay particularly when you repair them and take accountability. 

Often, it seems that we find ourselves overcompensating for what we lacked in our childhoods, and while this is absolutely understandable, it is generally not that helpful because we end up overdoing it a bit. In my eyes, this is a big part of what is happening in our society today. 

We have a generation of parents who love their kids so much, and they want to do anything for them. They also likely felt unsupported, unseen, invalidated, and like there were too many limits on them as children. Combine this and you get the current situation of parents who are uncomfortable with setting limits and end up only giving praise and love. They seek happiness above all else. 

What on earth is wrong with happiness? Well, nothing is wrong with happiness as a byproduct of hard work, feelings of connection, friendship, athleticism, and capability. There is something wrong with happiness for the sake of happiness because it is generally an empty feeling. To me, the best goal is to have capable, resourceful, and resilient children. And honestly, if they are those things, they will most likely also be happy. 

So, what does it look like to set boundaries with love? 

• “I understand that you are disappointed/upset/frustrated, but I will not let you hit me or anyone else in this family.” 

• “I am here when you want to talk and can speak kindly.” 

• “I love you no matter what.” 

• “Nothing you can do will separate you from my love.” and “That behavior is not acceptable.” 

• “You are allowed to be upset about this decision (no TV, no sleepover, etc.) and that is still the decision.” 

The goal is to set firm limits with a firm voice, while also remaining connected with your child. Even if this makes them more upset (this is exactly what happens with my son, when I try to validate his feelings, he wants nothing to do with it!), stay calm and present and let them know you are there while also making sure to set limits about how they are treating you. When the boundary is set and the child is then calm again, make sure to give them a hug or some kind of signal that you are still there, loving them for who they are no matter what. 

This is the part that I think is more helpful than previous parenting strategies. We can give unconditional love and respect while also setting limits. As a former colleague of mine liked to say, clear communication is kindness. Boundaries are clear communication and a simple form of love from parent to child when combined with unconditional love for who they are. I also believe this is the best way we can prepare them for their lives, as this parenting philosophy also leads to kids with increased feelings of capability. 

For other blogs I have written on the happiness trap of parenting and building resilience and capability in kids - check out this list! 

• My Reflection on the Happiness Obsession (2015)
• Parenting Teens Blog Series: Focus on Happiness and Achievement (2019)
• How do I Stop “Helicopter Parenting” and Why Would I?  (2017)
• What I want to remember when I become a mother, a child therapist’s perspective Part 3 (2017)

It’s the start of my third year of working motherhood… and well, where did the time go?  No, seriously, time just flies these days as I’m sure many of you can understand also. The truth is, while I feel mostly adjusted to my new life of being a mom and a business owner, it is still such a careful balancing act of roles and resources. In talking with other parents, I know that I am not alone in feeling this way but it can still feel awfully lonely on the more overwhelming days of feeling like you are balancing everything but not doing it very well. I get a mental picture of myself in my waitressing days when I would balance way too many glasses or plates and eventually drop them. Some days I feel a sense of calm, cool control and others it just seems like things are going to drop at any minute. While I really appreciate all of the advice out there about self-care and certainly do add to it at times myself, I think it’s been helpful for me to also recognize that this time in my life is just a hustle. Luckily, for me it is a hustle of things I genuinely enjoy between my work, running a business, having my son and husband. But it is still a hustle. 
 
There was a really great post I saw on a working mother facebook group I am a part of where everyone shared the things they let go of in balancing all the things they do. I thought it might be helpful to share a little about what I try to let go of to make my hustle a little more enjoyable!
 

• Unrealistic expectations -  I usually refer to myself as a “recovering perfectionist” at this point in my life and work, but I definitely felt a flare of perfectionism and unrealistic expectations as a mother. These days, I try really hard to focus on what is truly possible and not plan more in my days or on my lists. I would love to be able to do all the things but realize that my life is much more enjoyable when I show more self-control in what I take on. 

 

• What others may think - Interestingly, when I became a mom, I began feeling heightened concern about what others thought of me as a mother. It was interesting for me to notice this because I have prided myself on not giving as many “f’s” in my most recent adult years and then had a complete regression back to more of my teen years with worried thoughts about what others would think about me doing x, y, or z. For example, I wear work out clothes every day to drop my son off at daycare because I go for a walk right after and then change for work. I found myself wondering what the other parents would think about me and had to really actively choose not to care. Because the truth is, for me, that does not matter but it is easy to fall into old patterns as a new mother. 

 

• The "checklisted" childhood - I first heard the concept of the “checklisted” childhood from the book, “How to Raise an Adult” (which I highly recommend btw). It’s a concept that references our tendency to raise our kids with a checklist that we believe will get them to a successful place in life. They are all different but include things like doing a sport, playing an instrument, getting good grades, volunteer activities, etc. On my list was having baby swim lessons but for me as a full-time working mama, this was just not possible for me to do until (fingers crossed) this year. I have accepted that I will not always do all the things I think I “should” do or society thinks I “should do,” and that this is okay and that my son will be just fine. We can’t do everything in this world so I think it is good to let go of the things that just don’t fit into your world or your family. 

 

• Things I can’t control - This might be the most important thing to release and let go of as a parent. By working with my child, teen, adult, and parent clients, I have learned that there is going to be so much in my son’s life that is completely out of my control and up to him. So often, my advice to parents is to let go of the things they can’t control like college admissions, their child’s grades at a certain age, what activities their child wants to do or doesn’t want to do. I am so incredibly grateful that I have worked with so many parents and families around these issues that I am coming into parenting with a deep understanding that my son’s life is his, not mine. He will make choices that I will not understand or support and that’s okay because I am not going to try to control that which I can’t. ​​​This also applies to the world around him. I do believe that our world can be a cruel and difficult place at times and while I would never want something negative to happen to my child, I am not going to spend my time worrying about things that I can’t control. I’m going to spend my time trying to help provide him with opportunities to develop problem solving, resilience, and grit so that when things happen for him that are difficult, he will be able to hopefully cope as well as possible. This is a tough one but crucial in my eyes. 

If you are interested in reading more about my parenting journey – feel free to check out my blogs before having my son and after! I have put the titles for you to easily reference below. 

We at Thrive hope all of our readers are having a very happy holiday season!  While I am actually on vacation from the office for the week to spend time with the new little addition to our family, Luca, I was reflecting on my intention for next year. As some of you may know, I am in the habit of choosing a word for each year as a symbol or guidepost of something I would like to focus my energy towards or bring into my life. I use this exercise with many of my clients also and wanted to make sure to bring this up before the new year to our blog readers! 
 
Life for me, as a business owner and new mother, has certainly been overwhelming lately. Interestingly though for next year rather than a word like balance or rest, I am choosing a word that helps me lean into the opportunities, experiences, and amazing abundance that has come my way. As I was reflecting on my word from this past year, gratitude, I realized that the trick for me in choosing gratitude over stress or overwhelm is to focus on the reasons behind my stress. I am often stressed or overwhelmed because of the needs of my growing business as well as because of the needs of my growing family. And honestly, I am lucky and blessed to have both!  So, I want to choose a word that helps to remind me of my blessings and that my busy life is amazing, wonderful, and so filled with love and laughter that I wish for more hours in my days. This year, my word is abundance. I will choose to emphasize the abundance in my life and frame the busyness with love and appreciation rather than stress.
 
If you would like to join me in choosing a word and setting an intention that this word represents this coming year, please do.
 
Here are some simple questions and activities that can help you in choosing your word:

1. First, take the time to reflect on the year behind you and the year ahead.
2. Consider what you feel you are needing more of or lacking in your life.
3. If there are stressors in your life, what do you need to get through them more resiliently?
4. Is there a different way to look at situations that are going on for you that have been causing difficulty? (Ex. Perhaps an added challenge is an opportunity to learn or grow in a new way).
5. What word resonates with you and embodies what you are looking for in your life?

 
I hope you do choose to join me in this activity this year!  Each year, the words I choose become my guide and they have been invaluable to me. Hopefully you have a similar experience. Please feel free to share your words in the comments either on our social media post or on our blog here!
 
And most of all, Happy New Year from the Thrive Therapy Team!
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about therapy for adults, your child, or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 

I think my best tip for parents on how to best survive, and hopefully thrive, during the holiday season is to manage expectations. So often, we can get so caught up in all of the "shoulds" of the holidays. We should go ice skating, make cookies, have the perfectly decorated home, buy gifts that are just perfect for everyone on our lists, see holiday lights, visit family, etc, etc, etc. The list really could just go on and on!  

I also notice that there is even more pressure on parents to do all. the. things. now that social media is so prevalent in our lives. We see other people posting their perfectly decorated cookies or homes and we start comparing and feeling that we need to do things that way also in order to have the perfect holiday for our kids. Or we see pictures of all the activities people are doing for the holidays and start feeling that we need to do the same. 

All of this combined with our drive to be the best parents we can be creates the perfect storm of expectations and stress. Interestingly, the things we are focused on and stressing about may not even be important to us or our families. Instead of trying to do everything this year, I encourage you to take the time to ask your family members one thing they would really like to include in your holiday season this year and then make your list of "to do" based on that. With all the rest of the time perhaps you can try to just enjoy yourself and even create some time to relax and create new traditions!

As always, we at Thrive hope that our blogs are helpful to you.If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 

So many things are nudging me towards contemplating gratitude right now that I just felt pulled to put some of my thoughts together in a blog post. Hopefully it is interesting and helpful to some of you who read our blog!
 
Thanksgiving is a time that I usually try to focus on gratitude in general. This year, the timing is interesting for me as I have a 3 month old at home and just returned to work two weeks ago… But I’ll talk more about that later!
 
Thinking back on my year, I remember finding out I was pregnant a few weeks after Thanksgiving last year when I had already set in motion so many big, exciting, and pretty scary things professionally. A new office… Not just new, but also bigger! Expanding to a corporation and hiring more team members!  Eek!  I remember the overwhelm of just considering what this next year would be like balancing pregnancy, motherhood, and these new obligations. So much to adjust to and so much to feel overwhelmed by. In January, I always take time to consider a word to focus my energy towards in the coming year. It is a guidepost of sorts, something to try to create more of usually. I remember sorting through thoughts about the year and coming up with words like, overwhelm, stress, chaos, too much and intentionally choosing to focus on the abundance side of my feelings of overwhelm. So I found my word to be gratitude this year.
 
As I have mentioned in previous blogs, this has been a tough word for me. Often I have found myself swept up in the to do lists and feelings of stress and exhaustion and needed to remind myself to focus on the gratitude I feel for so many wonderful things happening in my life.
 
Currently, people have asked how I am adjusting to motherhood and even more, working motherhood. And I answer honestly with, “I’m just running. All the time. Everywhere. There’s never enough time or enough of me to go around!” Or some variation of sleep deprived sentences that are communicating that (maybe, hopefully in some way that makes sense!).  Today, as I work from home during naps and savor one of my last weekdays home with my little man… I have chosen to put the “running” feeling aside and just lean into my gratitude and savor, really just enjoy, the moments of snuggles, kisses, giggles, and of course cries, whines, and tears that are inevitable at 12 weeks apparently. The thought that keeps coming back to me is that everything is temporary. The lack of sleep – yup, it’s temporary. Hopefully some of the crying is temporary too. But the snuggles, baby smell, little hands and feet, and oh the sweet smiles and newness of it all. That’s temporary too… so through my sleep deprived and overwhelmed days… I am going to choose to enjoy this time and be grateful for all the things I am blessed to have.
 
Interestingly, this experience of gratitude applies not just to my family but also to having a whole different side of me that is fulfilled through my work and the fact that people come and share their deepest moments, feelings, fears, and pain with me. Because the truth is, I love what I do and I missed it. The baby snuggles have been amazing but I have acknowledged and accepted that I need both. Both the mother part of me that is still developing and the therapist part of me that I have nurtured for years. I need both and because of that, I most likely will never stop running. But at least for now, I am running gratefully. Most of the time ;)
 
So, as the holidays approach, I urge all of you to consider how can you focus on abundance and gratitude rather than the hustle and bustle, which is really just a nice phrase for stress.
 
Here are some tips I came up with:

• Use phrases like, “I get to” or “I chose to”, rather than “I have to” when describing events coming up.
• Take 15 minutes each day to reflect on the things that are going on that are enjoyable and choose to reflect on that rather than the difficult or stressful things.
• Remember that all things in life are temporary.
• Make a list of three things you are grateful for each day.

 
I hope this helps some of you enjoy the season a bit more!  Please let me know any thoughts you may want to share or things you may be grateful for in the comments. We would love to hear from you.
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about parent counseling or therapy for yourself, your child, or teen, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.