It’s the start of my third year of working motherhood… and well, where did the time go?  No, seriously, time just flies these days as I’m sure many of you can understand also. The truth is, while I feel mostly adjusted to my new life of being a mom and a business owner, it is still such a careful balancing act of roles and resources. In talking with other parents, I know that I am not alone in feeling this way but it can still feel awfully lonely on the more overwhelming days of feeling like you are balancing everything but not doing it very well. I get a mental picture of myself in my waitressing days when I would balance way too many glasses or plates and eventually drop them. Some days I feel a sense of calm, cool control and others it just seems like things are going to drop at any minute. While I really appreciate all of the advice out there about self-care and certainly do add to it at times myself, I think it’s been helpful for me to also recognize that this time in my life is just a hustle. Luckily, for me it is a hustle of things I genuinely enjoy between my work, running a business, having my son and husband. But it is still a hustle. 
 
There was a really great post I saw on a working mother facebook group I am a part of where everyone shared the things they let go of in balancing all the things they do. I thought it might be helpful to share a little about what I try to let go of to make my hustle a little more enjoyable!
 

• Unrealistic expectations -  I usually refer to myself as a “recovering perfectionist” at this point in my life and work, but I definitely felt a flare of perfectionism and unrealistic expectations as a mother. These days, I try really hard to focus on what is truly possible and not plan more in my days or on my lists. I would love to be able to do all the things but realize that my life is much more enjoyable when I show more self-control in what I take on. 

 

• What others may think - Interestingly, when I became a mom, I began feeling heightened concern about what others thought of me as a mother. It was interesting for me to notice this because I have prided myself on not giving as many “f’s” in my most recent adult years and then had a complete regression back to more of my teen years with worried thoughts about what others would think about me doing x, y, or z. For example, I wear work out clothes every day to drop my son off at daycare because I go for a walk right after and then change for work. I found myself wondering what the other parents would think about me and had to really actively choose not to care. Because the truth is, for me, that does not matter but it is easy to fall into old patterns as a new mother. 

 

• The "checklisted" childhood - I first heard the concept of the “checklisted” childhood from the book, “How to Raise an Adult” (which I highly recommend btw). It’s a concept that references our tendency to raise our kids with a checklist that we believe will get them to a successful place in life. They are all different but include things like doing a sport, playing an instrument, getting good grades, volunteer activities, etc. On my list was having baby swim lessons but for me as a full-time working mama, this was just not possible for me to do until (fingers crossed) this year. I have accepted that I will not always do all the things I think I “should” do or society thinks I “should do,” and that this is okay and that my son will be just fine. We can’t do everything in this world so I think it is good to let go of the things that just don’t fit into your world or your family. 

 

• Things I can’t control - This might be the most important thing to release and let go of as a parent. By working with my child, teen, adult, and parent clients, I have learned that there is going to be so much in my son’s life that is completely out of my control and up to him. So often, my advice to parents is to let go of the things they can’t control like college admissions, their child’s grades at a certain age, what activities their child wants to do or doesn’t want to do. I am so incredibly grateful that I have worked with so many parents and families around these issues that I am coming into parenting with a deep understanding that my son’s life is his, not mine. He will make choices that I will not understand or support and that’s okay because I am not going to try to control that which I can’t. ​​​This also applies to the world around him. I do believe that our world can be a cruel and difficult place at times and while I would never want something negative to happen to my child, I am not going to spend my time worrying about things that I can’t control. I’m going to spend my time trying to help provide him with opportunities to develop problem solving, resilience, and grit so that when things happen for him that are difficult, he will be able to hopefully cope as well as possible. This is a tough one but crucial in my eyes. 

If you are interested in reading more about my parenting journey – feel free to check out my blogs before having my son and after! I have put the titles for you to easily reference below. 

We at Thrive hope all of our readers are having a very happy holiday season!  While I am actually on vacation from the office for the week to spend time with the new little addition to our family, Luca, I was reflecting on my intention for next year. As some of you may know, I am in the habit of choosing a word for each year as a symbol or guidepost of something I would like to focus my energy towards or bring into my life. I use this exercise with many of my clients also and wanted to make sure to bring this up before the new year to our blog readers! 
 
Life for me, as a business owner and new mother, has certainly been overwhelming lately. Interestingly though for next year rather than a word like balance or rest, I am choosing a word that helps me lean into the opportunities, experiences, and amazing abundance that has come my way. As I was reflecting on my word from this past year, gratitude, I realized that the trick for me in choosing gratitude over stress or overwhelm is to focus on the reasons behind my stress. I am often stressed or overwhelmed because of the needs of my growing business as well as because of the needs of my growing family. And honestly, I am lucky and blessed to have both!  So, I want to choose a word that helps to remind me of my blessings and that my busy life is amazing, wonderful, and so filled with love and laughter that I wish for more hours in my days. This year, my word is abundance. I will choose to emphasize the abundance in my life and frame the busyness with love and appreciation rather than stress.
 
If you would like to join me in choosing a word and setting an intention that this word represents this coming year, please do.
 
Here are some simple questions and activities that can help you in choosing your word:

1. First, take the time to reflect on the year behind you and the year ahead.
2. Consider what you feel you are needing more of or lacking in your life.
3. If there are stressors in your life, what do you need to get through them more resiliently?
4. Is there a different way to look at situations that are going on for you that have been causing difficulty? (Ex. Perhaps an added challenge is an opportunity to learn or grow in a new way).
5. What word resonates with you and embodies what you are looking for in your life?

 
I hope you do choose to join me in this activity this year!  Each year, the words I choose become my guide and they have been invaluable to me. Hopefully you have a similar experience. Please feel free to share your words in the comments either on our social media post or on our blog here!
 
And most of all, Happy New Year from the Thrive Therapy Team!
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about therapy for adults, your child, or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 

I think my best tip for parents on how to best survive, and hopefully thrive, during the holiday season is to manage expectations. So often, we can get so caught up in all of the "shoulds" of the holidays. We should go ice skating, make cookies, have the perfectly decorated home, buy gifts that are just perfect for everyone on our lists, see holiday lights, visit family, etc, etc, etc. The list really could just go on and on!  

I also notice that there is even more pressure on parents to do all. the. things. now that social media is so prevalent in our lives. We see other people posting their perfectly decorated cookies or homes and we start comparing and feeling that we need to do things that way also in order to have the perfect holiday for our kids. Or we see pictures of all the activities people are doing for the holidays and start feeling that we need to do the same. 

All of this combined with our drive to be the best parents we can be creates the perfect storm of expectations and stress. Interestingly, the things we are focused on and stressing about may not even be important to us or our families. Instead of trying to do everything this year, I encourage you to take the time to ask your family members one thing they would really like to include in your holiday season this year and then make your list of "to do" based on that. With all the rest of the time perhaps you can try to just enjoy yourself and even create some time to relax and create new traditions!

As always, we at Thrive hope that our blogs are helpful to you.If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 

So many things are nudging me towards contemplating gratitude right now that I just felt pulled to put some of my thoughts together in a blog post. Hopefully it is interesting and helpful to some of you who read our blog!
 
Thanksgiving is a time that I usually try to focus on gratitude in general. This year, the timing is interesting for me as I have a 3 month old at home and just returned to work two weeks ago… But I’ll talk more about that later!
 
Thinking back on my year, I remember finding out I was pregnant a few weeks after Thanksgiving last year when I had already set in motion so many big, exciting, and pretty scary things professionally. A new office… Not just new, but also bigger! Expanding to a corporation and hiring more team members!  Eek!  I remember the overwhelm of just considering what this next year would be like balancing pregnancy, motherhood, and these new obligations. So much to adjust to and so much to feel overwhelmed by. In January, I always take time to consider a word to focus my energy towards in the coming year. It is a guidepost of sorts, something to try to create more of usually. I remember sorting through thoughts about the year and coming up with words like, overwhelm, stress, chaos, too much and intentionally choosing to focus on the abundance side of my feelings of overwhelm. So I found my word to be gratitude this year.
 
As I have mentioned in previous blogs, this has been a tough word for me. Often I have found myself swept up in the to do lists and feelings of stress and exhaustion and needed to remind myself to focus on the gratitude I feel for so many wonderful things happening in my life.
 
Currently, people have asked how I am adjusting to motherhood and even more, working motherhood. And I answer honestly with, “I’m just running. All the time. Everywhere. There’s never enough time or enough of me to go around!” Or some variation of sleep deprived sentences that are communicating that (maybe, hopefully in some way that makes sense!).  Today, as I work from home during naps and savor one of my last weekdays home with my little man… I have chosen to put the “running” feeling aside and just lean into my gratitude and savor, really just enjoy, the moments of snuggles, kisses, giggles, and of course cries, whines, and tears that are inevitable at 12 weeks apparently. The thought that keeps coming back to me is that everything is temporary. The lack of sleep – yup, it’s temporary. Hopefully some of the crying is temporary too. But the snuggles, baby smell, little hands and feet, and oh the sweet smiles and newness of it all. That’s temporary too… so through my sleep deprived and overwhelmed days… I am going to choose to enjoy this time and be grateful for all the things I am blessed to have.
 
Interestingly, this experience of gratitude applies not just to my family but also to having a whole different side of me that is fulfilled through my work and the fact that people come and share their deepest moments, feelings, fears, and pain with me. Because the truth is, I love what I do and I missed it. The baby snuggles have been amazing but I have acknowledged and accepted that I need both. Both the mother part of me that is still developing and the therapist part of me that I have nurtured for years. I need both and because of that, I most likely will never stop running. But at least for now, I am running gratefully. Most of the time ;)
 
So, as the holidays approach, I urge all of you to consider how can you focus on abundance and gratitude rather than the hustle and bustle, which is really just a nice phrase for stress.
 
Here are some tips I came up with:

• Use phrases like, “I get to” or “I chose to”, rather than “I have to” when describing events coming up.
• Take 15 minutes each day to reflect on the things that are going on that are enjoyable and choose to reflect on that rather than the difficult or stressful things.
• Remember that all things in life are temporary.
• Make a list of three things you are grateful for each day.

 
I hope this helps some of you enjoy the season a bit more!  Please let me know any thoughts you may want to share or things you may be grateful for in the comments. We would love to hear from you.
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about parent counseling or therapy for yourself, your child, or teen, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. 

As many of you know, I have been writing for several weeks now about my thoughts on becoming a parent, from my experience as a child psychologist and parenting consultant. For this last blog in the series, I thought it might be helpful to compile a list of the things that I am hoping to remember once I am a mom in a few short weeks.
 
1.    “It’s not about me.”
This is a big one still in my mind as it essentially boils down to the fact that my child’s behavior is not always a reaction to me or something I should take personally. The biggest reason this is on my list is that I see parents often personalizing their child or teen’s behavior when often, the behavior is developmental in nature, a result of them trying to figure out how to manage their emotions, or other triggers (lack of sleep, hunger, over-stimulation). I hope to remember this in my parenting ahead!

2.  Making sure I am aware of my mom shame and when it is triggered.
I think it is going to be crucial for me to learn how to manage my sensitivity around wanting to do this big, new job really well and well, how others’ opinions and judgments might not always be in line with my own parenting philosophy.

3.  Let my kid(s) fail.
This is also a huge one for me as it is something that I believe in so whole-heartedly that I want to embrace failure and mistakes and help my kids not only experience their own mistakes/failures but to grow and learn from them. The flip side to this is that I do recognize how difficult it will be to do this!  That’s a big part of why it’s on my list!

4.  What is happening in one moment, stage is not necessarily going to be forever.
I want to hold tight to the fact that we are all evolving and to allow my kid(s) to evolve and change over time. Plus, I also want to make sure I slow down and appreciate the beautiful moments and experiences even when things are super chaotic, frustrating, and upsetting!
 
Thank you all again for reading!  As always, I appreciate any feedback all of you have for me! Oh and a fun little trick, you can click on the number and title for each section above to return to the original blog post and read more about my thoughts on each section!
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 
As always, thanks for reading  and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child, teen therapy, adult psychotherapy, individual therapy San Diego  or Family Therapy San Diego at Thrive Therapy Studio.  

​Thank you so much for checking out my fourth and final blog in this series!  As I mentioned before, this blog series is definitely more personal for me so I do hope that the thoughts that I am sharing are helpful to some of you and hopefully not too terribly offensive to the others! Please feel free to check out the first, second, and third parts of this series here!
 
As a child/teen/family therapist, I am often meeting with families during times of crises in their lives. Parents are calling my office during a time of upheaval, concern, and stress either due to events in their lives or concerns related to their child/teen’s development. This creates a unique bond and dynamic between us, which is part of why therapy works so well. And I should mention that I find it to be such a privilege and honor to be welcomed into a families’ life during such a vulnerable time.
 
Interestingly, what comes up very often in our initial conversations are questions, concerns, comments along the lines of “will my child/teen always be this way?”  Parents are very worried that whatever behavior their child or teen is engaged in will be a permanent presence in their life. This question leads us to often have a conversation about child development and with me encouraging families to see that their child will grow, change, and learn over time. This means that even the most pervasive challenges and symptoms (anxiety, Autism, ADHD, etc) will evolve, change, and some will resolve over time.
 
So, this brings me to my fourth lesson that I hope to remember as a parent of my own kid(s), which is that just because something is happening for him or us in a moment, does not mean it is forever. I want to remember that some things are just a phase or stage of his development and that most symptoms or traits that cause concern will change, evolve, and grow over time. Along similar lines, I want to also remember that the way my child or teen acts at home, with friends, or at school is just one part of them. For example, when I was younger I was a pretty shy child. Like, hide from my babysitter’s husband kind of shy (and I definitely knew him well!). However, I feel that my parents did a good job of encouraging me to do things that were outside my comfort zone and creating opportunities for me to grow in my ability to connect with people. And now, though I get nervous about networking events or meeting new people, I can handle it and most people do not think of me as “shy, quiet, or timid.” I am so grateful that my parents managed to not label me as “the shy one” and kind of write off my ability to develop socially but were able to keep in mind that I could change, grow, and evolve as I grew up!  I hope to do the same for my kid(s).
 
Thank you all for reading!  I will share more with all of you as things progress and would appreciate any feedback you would like to give me!
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. 

As always, thanks for reading  and comments are always welcome. Contact us regarding any issues around child, a teen therapist San Diego and adult psychotherapy and Counseling San Diego​ at Thrive Therapy Studio.