By: Dr. Erica WollermanThe Surprising Benefits of Embracing Challenges ~ Why a therapist takes cold showers? What you also might be wondering is, why on earth am I writing about this? Trust me, it applies to more than just my personal shower habits :) Apparently, cold showers are all the rage in the athletic/physical recovery space these days, and believe me, the athletic and the therapeutic spaces are often quite different. So, it was interesting to me when these worlds seemed to combine. I was introduced to the idea of cold showers years ago, for boosting immunity from a friend. I didn’t really think much about this as I was newly 25 and, well, didn’t feel this was entirely necessary. Now, at the age of 41, I will do almost anything to help my body recover and heal from the random and chronic injuries I get. Because of this and my husband’s interest in all things related to health and wellness, I now have tried and routinely use cryotherapy, infrared sauna, and daily cold showers. While I started doing these things to try and help my body feel better as I have somewhat chronic back and knee pain, plus frequent headaches, the results have been much more interesting than I expected. What I have found is that, for me, there is something extremely liberating about choosing discomfort and trying to enjoy it. Interestingly, I have never been one to enjoy any kind of discomfort. As a kid, I was very sensitive to textures (among other things), and I am still pretty sensitive to my internal experiences, physical or emotional, and at times those same external experiences (noise, lights, textures). So, it is quite surprising to those who know me that I am choosing to do something that is clearly uncomfortable. Honestly, that has been the best part. It reminds me of how I can choose to do hard things and get through them. It reminds me of my strength, grit, and perseverance. In five minutes a day, I get to boost my mood and confidence that all situations are temporary. Plus, I listen to some of my favorite songs while I listen and try to entertain myself by singing along. It’s become my own personal “pregame pump-up song.” Even more interesting, is that this practice has actually helped inform my work and even found its way into my clinical recommendations. Because, not only does choosing something uncomfortable help boost your confidence, but it can also help you manage anxiety and can boost your mood. I am a therapist who tends to avoid “quick fix” ideas for my clients, but this one actually seems remarkably helpful in learning to tolerate discomfort. Since avoidance of discomfort is the root of many challenges that make their way into my office, it has been a serendipitous experience. So, while you may prefer to challenge yourself in other ways, I would recommend that you do choose challenging things as often as possible. Just to help you learn that it will be okay and that you are tougher than you think. Perhaps you will choose to do something else uncomfortable, such as learning a new activity, taking a dance class, public speaking, or talking more to other parents at school drop-off. Whatever it is, try to remember that it is amazing that you are choosing to do something you would rather avoid. Similar to how I define bravery, as facing a fear (rather than the absence of fear), I would define choosing uncomfortable situations as a sign that you are a tough, resilient, capable person who can more than handle the things your life might throw at you other times. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. As a recovering perfectionist, it can be tough for me to assess when I think I am meeting my own goals and when enough is enough in my life. This is something that I have learned to balance and work through during normal life but I have noticed that this has been a much bigger challenge during the Covid19 pandemic. I have noticed this for myself as well as almost across the board for my clients who also struggle with perfectionism. While we can always theoretically, in our heads, understand that yes, we are living in a pandemic and that it is REALLY HARD; it seems to be a whole other thing to figure out what is actually realistic to expect of ourselves or even others right now. There also seems to be a competing push-pull kind of dynamic within me lately where there is part of me that is like, let’s take this opportunity to relax and just slow our lives down and enjoy the simpler things. Then there is a whole other side that is like, “that is total BS and I want to do ALL the things and if ALL the things aren’t possible, I want to at least do everything that I am ABLE to do right now. I want to bake, and garden, and decorate my house, and work on work projects, and home projects, and accomplish every health goal I have ever had - oh and spend as much quality time with my family as possible!” Wait, does that side sound a bit unhinged and out of touch with reality? It certainly does when you write it out and consider just how much stress many of us are enduring right now given the state of our world. It seems obvious in this moment that it is unrealistic to expect that much of myself given the fact that life is so much simpler but also more complicated these days. Decisions have become exponentially more complicated due to all the variables we need to consider. When doing something, we have to now consider our safety and possible risk in addition to all the variables we used to consider like time, resources, finances, desires and interest in doing things. Our cost/benefit analyses of situations have gotten more complicated along with our decisions. After over 5 months of living like this, I think most of us are worn out from how tiring and overwhelming this new reality is… I think that part of why we want to accomplish ALL of the things is so that we can live more in a space of doing rather than being. The truth is, it’s hard to just BE right now because to do that we likely need to feel a lot of the feelings that doing helps us avoid. It’s really painful to grieve our lives in such a dramatic way and sit with the pain of knowing that this situation does not seem to be getting any better anytime soon and is so dramatically impacting so many people much more seriously than many of us. The sadness, grief, and feelings of despair can be overwhelming for many of us. And for some of us, we respond by making dramatic to-do lists of all the things we should do. I think that as long as we are being kind, compassionate, and realistic with ourselves and our expectations and can hold space for the fact that that just might be unrealistic and need to be revised, this might be an okay strategy to get through this time. If we are struggling with being kind to ourselves and changing up our plans when we need to, we might need to take some time to lean into those feelings and let them have some space for a minute so that we can figure out what is going on and what we need to get through this. Even more so lately, life seems to be a delicate balance between finding motivation and energy for the future and our goals but also letting ourselves enjoy the moments we do have now and resting or finding something to do that is rejuvenating to our spirits and emotions. Just like everything else, this is more complicated than it used to be as there are more variables to consider. It is however, a worthwhile and important process to engage in to help us cope as best we can with a very difficult and uncertain future. If you or your loved ones need more support during this time, we are accepting new clients at Thrive via telehealth and work with clients of all ages! Contact us today for more information about individual or group therapy sessions! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. By: Dr. Erica WollermanAt Thrive, we love supporting new and returning college students and young adults! For many, the process of moving towards independence from our parents can be really challenging but also exciting! The number of transitions faced by young adults can be so numerous – many are moving away from their parents for the first time, managing responsibilities that can feel overwhelming, balancing work and school perhaps for the first time, renting an apartment, trying to plan or start a career, entering into or leaving serious relationships, or starting a family. I remember while working at a college counseling center, just how often we talked with students about how all transitions, even positive ones, can be stressful and anxiety provoking. It really makes sense that during a time of so much transition, between the ages of 17-25 or so, having a supportive person to talk things through with can be so helpful. Here’s a list of 5 reasons why young adults LOVE coming to therapy. 1. Support! While most of us crave more independence as we near our adult years, it can also feel very lonely to be handling more things on your own as you age. Whether you live with your family or on your own, it can be difficult to feel supported especially if you are making more independent decisions. A therapist can help you feel that you have someone in your corner no matter what choices you make. 2. No judgment here Many people explore a lot of different ways of being in the world in their young adult years. This might include differing levels of partying, sexual encounters, risky choices in general, and varying interest in careers, work, and education. It is often difficult to talk with other friends about these experiences and most certainly can be difficult to talk with family about them! A therapist can provide a safe place to explore your choices while not feeling judged or controlled. 3. We are not your parent Many of us talk less to our parents while we start or continue the process of “launching” from their home. While this level of contact varies from person to person, it can be so helpful and reassuring to have another adult in your life who cares about you and can provide some level of advice and direction. While a therapist serves a much different role than a parent, we can help buffer the loneliness and challenge of navigating the world more independently. 4. Who am I? Where is my life headed? Therapists usually LOVE talking about identity and different paths people are going to take in their lives. This is a reason why young adults are so much fun for us to work with! Interestingly, we are not the only ones who love talking about these challenges! Our young adult clients usually want to explore them too and sometimes, it is better to do so in a space without parental involvement. Parents often have more emotional connection with their children’s development and goals which makes it difficult to give neutral feedback and space to make mistakes. We are here for you to sort things out and to walk with you no matter the choices or mistakes you may make! 5. Why me? I believe making meaning out of challenging life situations can be a reason many people love therapy but particularly our young adult clients appreciate having a space to process the challenges and difficult situations they face or have faced. We can help you make meaning and resolve challenges from your past so that you hopefully do not carry them as much into your future! While these are only a few reasons why young adults love working with our office, there are many more and perhaps you will have your own! We are passionate about helping young adults reach their full potential at our office and would love to work with you! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child, teen, or young adult psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. The final part in our discussion of motivation by EricaThank you so much for continuing to read our blog series on Teens and Motivation! This is the final segment to our series and if you missed Part 1 and Part 2, check them out here and here!
We can’t discuss how to motivate teens without looking a bit more at what motivation actually is. In our culture, we often think of motivation as something that is a static, ongoing state. People are often described as being motivated, or not. Motivation is often thought of as something quick and easy that you can just become all of a sudden. Unfortunately, motivation is much more complex than all of this would suggest and despite what Oprah and her “aha” moments might tell you, it can be a long process in getting someone ready for change. Additionally, motivation is variable and changes over time. When anyone presents for therapy, particularly parents on behalf of their children or teens, they are wanting changes and they usually want them quickly. A big part of my job is to understand the client and evaluate their readiness for change. A key component of how I do this is through utilizing a psychological theory called The Transtheoretical Model of Change by Prochaska and DiClemente which is often just referred to as Stages of Change for simplicity. This is a model of change that was initially used to understand addiction but is a helpful framework when considering any person who is contemplating a change in their lives. Here is a brief overview of the stages:
Parents need to know the following about stages of change:
At Thrive, we specifically focus on stages of change and helping our clients build motivation through a specific way of talking about change called “Motivational Interviewing.” This style of communication is collaborative and goal oriented and elicits and explores a person’s own reasons to change. We create a feeling of acceptance and compassion for our clients, rather than judgment or criticism. Our goal is to elicit “change talk” from our clients, which is when the teen talks about changes they want to make, rather than when I “tell” them what they should change. This style of communication is what my ingredients for motivation try to mimic for parents. In review, we want to connect with our teens, have faith in their ability to problem solve, allow them to make mistakes, give consequences where appropriate, and let them lead! These are the ingredients that produce a collaborative environment and discussion similar to what we create in our office that can help you support your teen towards making changes and feeling motivated! If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304. For more information about the upcoming Parenting with Intention Workshop at Thrive, please contact Angela Bianco, ASW directly at 858-952-8835 or by email at angelabianco.asw@gmail.com. Angela is supervised by Erica Wollerman, PsyD (PSY25614) and questions regarding teen therapy can also be directed to Erica and the general Thrive team at 858-342-1304! If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child, teen counseling and adult psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. ![]() Hopefully many of you were able to check out last weeks’ post, which is the Part 1 of this series on Teens and Motivation. If not, click here to read it! Today, I am going to focus on the building blocks of motivation that I briefly mentioned last week and that were discussed at length in my talk at Halstrom last Thursday! Connection: Often, when I talk about pulling back as parents, this can be confused with just not being as involved. I would actually encourage parents to be super connected with their teens. Ask them how things are going, make a special weekly date with them (it might need to involve some sort of treat for them to really want to do it at this point), plan separate vacations, but find ways to connect. Whatever they are “into,” try to find some common ground there and spend time talking about it. The really cool part about the teen years is that parents can stop being so parent-like, most of the time. Chat with your teens, share more with them about your life and who you are, and above all, try not to lecture. At least not on a daily basis J Teens want to be heard and seen by the people who care about them, including you. Have a little faith: So first we connect and now we try to have faith. Faith that your teen can problem solve, can recover from mistakes, and can ultimately be successful. As parents, we need to project confidence in our teens and let them know we believe in them. Even when you are worried and feel like they are totally screwing up… find ways to let them know that they have it in them to succeed and figure it out. Be supportive but not overbearing when they make a mistake. Try not to jump in and fix it for them but offer help if they would like it. And if they don’t take your offer, let them know that you have full confidence they will figure out a good solution by saying things like, “I know you can do it,” “I know you will be able to figure this out.” Let them make mistakes! This is a tough one… especially with all of the pressure that parents and teens are feeling these days. Teens talk to me all the time about the pressures of school and of the future. They are feeling as though every single decision they make now will adversely impact them in the future. Unfortunately, parents are often feeling that way too. When parents and I talk about ways they can pull back, save their kids less, and let them make mistakes SO many issues come up for them. But, it’s their junior year and if they get a bad grade, they won’t get into college. But, if they fail now, they will feel bad, like a failure, try less hard later in life. But, I just can’t bear to see them hurting. The list goes on and on. These are serious concerns by very loving, involved parents and while I hear them and understand them, these concerns let me know that parents are approaching their teen differently than I would recommend. These parents are approaching their teens as fragile, as people one step away from something amazing or terrible, and as images of their own success as parents. It is so hard for parents to separate their identity sometimes from their kids or teens successes and failures and often it is their own fear of failure or need to protect their teen from every possible negative outcome that drives this way of thinking. And while that is understandable, it is not helpful. If parents care more about the outcomes than their teens, the teen will not learn the needed lesson of a mistake. For most parents to be okay letting their teen make a mistake, we have to really look at what mistakes or failures are. They are an opportunity to learn and to grow. They are an opportunity to be disappointed in your choices and to choose to make better ones. Not only is it impossible for a person to avoid mistakes or for a parent to protect their child/teen from pain or failure, it is not helpful. I would like to repeat that, it is impossible to avoid mistakes or to protect your child/teen from pain or failure. And, if you try to do so, you prevent your teen from learning valuable lessons. Unfortunately, they need to screw up so that they can learn and grow into responsible adults. We can help them through this by connecting, believing in them, and not making it about us. Consequences are still important: Even though we are focused on connection and believing in your teen, consequences still need to be given and followed through on by parents when the teen does make mistakes. As we all know, there are no free passes in our world. If you show up late to work too many times, you are most likely going to be fired. So, we need to avoid giving our teens free passes too. If they screw up and break the rules, a consequences needs to be given. The best way to approach consequences is as follows: First, make sure you and your teen are on the same page about expectations. Often this will involve a written list or agreement as this helps prevent “teenage amnesia.” Second, make sure your teen knows the consequences for their actions – it’s a great practice to include it on the list. Third, when they mess up, discuss it gently with them. If you are instantly angry about it, try to take some time to calm down so that you can approach them from a more neutral place. This way, you can try to get more information about what happened. When parents yell, kids and teens all shut down and stop talking because they think it is the best way to avoid getting in more trouble. So, being calm and talking with them about it will get you much more information. Fourth, while talking with them about the situation, whatever the mistake is, try to brainstorm ways to avoid such a problem in the future. If it is a low grade, perhaps you can offer support in terms of tutoring or going over homework or test information together. Fifth, discuss the consequence and you can even see what your teen would think is an appropriate consequence. Often, when teens feel that they are in control, understand the situation, and do not feel shamed or blamed, they can be really reasonable and understand that consequences are needed. Quick Tip: Try not to lecture too much at this point. Teens learn best through actions, not long parent led lectures. This is hard, because so often you are likely to be trying to give them wisdom, support, and advice but if it comes off as a lecture, they will stop listening. Listen and let them lead: This is the last ingredient but one of the most important. Please listen to your teen. That’s it… just try to hear what they are saying. Try to see the people they really are, not the people you had hoped or wished they would be. All of the teens I work with are amazing in their own ways and universally, they just want to be heard and appreciated. They also want autonomy over their choices. They want to choose the schools they apply to and decide who they are going to date and hang out with. It is so important that they have this autonomy as this is a building block of what will help in their motivation. If they make choices that do not work out, they then are more likely to own that choice rather than blame it on their parents. If you are trying to force a teen to do something, they will not own that choice or outcome. That’s it for now! Thank you so much for reading and please stay tuned for our blog next week where we talk more specifically about how these parenting strategies support and tie into building Teen Motivation! If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child or teen attending teen psychotherapy services with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304. If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. By: Dr. Erica Wollerman![]() What I hear most often from parents of the teens with whom I work is complaints about why their teen is not motivated to do the things that they want them to do. Why are they spending all their time on YouTube instead of homework? Why are their social relationships so much more important to them than their schoolwork? And so on. Often these parents would like for me to “fix” their teen so that they do what they are “supposed to do.” And honestly, I get it. I really do. They see their child’s flaws, mistakes, potential, and opportunities through their own adult lenses so clearly and it is hard, oh so hard, to just sit back and let their teen figure it out. Before we get into this any more it is important to talk about teens and what they really need… Teens are at a particularly difficult stage of life because while they feel like they are just so ready to be adults, we know as actual adults, that they are totally not ready yet. Often, this leads parents to worry too much and dive in and save their kids more than is needed. In actuality, teens need autonomy and independence. They need to make mistakes and fall down as painful as it might be. Remember when you taught your kids to ride a bike? How hard was it to let go of them, knowing full well that they are likely to fall? Really hard right. But you knew that letting go is the only way they would learn on their own. The teenage years are essentially the same. They need us to let go so that they can own their choices, responsibilities, and futures. As counterintuitive as that might feel, this is how they will build their own motivation. In fact, I believe the following to be the most important ingredients to supporting and helping your teen motivate him or herself. 1. Connection 2. Faith 3. Let Them Make Mistakes 4. Consequences 5. Listen and let them Lead I will be sharing more information about the above ingredients to a motivated teen during my talk at Halstrom Academy on 3/30/17! Please check out the below flyer if you are interested! If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304. If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around Teen Psychotherapy Services San Diego CA by Thrive Therapy Studio. |
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