Child, Teen and Adult Psychotherapy Services in San Diego
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4 Themes From Encanto to Explore With Your Child

3/16/2022

 
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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

If your house is anything like ours, Encanto has been watched, and listened to, A LOT! It’s very cute because my son has picked up on the fact that I love this movie as well so when he really wants to watch something and connect with me he will ask for “Encanto and popcorn.” Something that I really love about this movie is how many amazing themes it incorporates and provides concrete ways to discuss some really tough things in life. Like how hard it can be to feel that others expect you to be able to solve every problem (Luisa) or how we might feel our value is only in being “perfect” (Isabella). Or, how much a family is impacted by trying to hide difficult things and not talking about them (Bruno and Mirabel). So, I thought it might be helpful to share a bit about how I, as a child therapist and parent, use the film to explore topics with my son (who is 4 so some of this is for younger kids). 


One of my son’s favorite questions about the movie is, why didn’t Mirabel get a gift? 
What a great question right? This is a great way to talk about how the family has secrets and is not dealing with the hard things coming up so the magic seemed to find a way to force them to talk about it. First, by trying to show something was wrong by not giving her a gift, and second, by giving Bruno a vision about her. I use this question as a way to weave in the importance of facing our problems and dealing with hard things. We talk about how the magic was there to help the family and that because Abuela wanted to protect the magic by always being of service to everyone and holding tight to “sunshine”, it started to break down. Pretending everything is okay all the time causes harm. Just ask poor Tia Pepa always trying to imagine “clear skies” instead of dancing in the rain!  

Another helpful topic is using Luisa’s struggles to explore how it’s okay to ask for help and not be strong all the time. With older kids, it can help to use her situation to explore how unrealistic expectations are the hardest pressures to deal with in life. With my son, I talk about how Luisa feels that she needs to do everything because she is so strong but that it is okay to take a break, ask for help, and that one person should never be the one in a family shouldering all the problems or challenges. We talk about how families are a team and how we need to help each other. 

Onto one of my favorite topics of all time, perfection! Specifically, perfection is not a great goal. My son and I talk a lot about how Isabella felt that she had to be a certain way, perfect, to be loved and of use in the family but that when she allowed herself to feel things fully, she was happier and more herself. We love watching her sing and dance and create things totally her own. I think this is a great image for parents when they are considering what they hope for in their child’s life. Instead of perfect Isabella who seemed pretty unhappy at times, we should hope for an Isabella who dances in the magic of her own creations with joy. 

Now back to Mirabel of course. While my son loves asking about how she didn’t get a gift, as a therapist, I know a secret. She did get a gift. The gift of empathy. Watching how she was able to connect with all of her family members so well to truly see them, what they needed, and to show them love through their struggles was truly beautiful. Especially as a therapist because she reminded me of what we do every day in our offices. Even if others may not always understand, we know that the Isabella we want is the one who is messy and joyful, not “perfect,” and that the Luisa we want is the one who is resting and helpful because she chooses it, not because her worth is tied to her productivity. While disrupting family patterns is not always easy, it certainly is brave and it was heartwarming to see her family embrace her and the magic reward them all by coming back. Hopefully, all of our lives can embrace a bit of magic that helps us move more in the direction of doing things in line with who we truly are. 

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

The Importance of Making Mistakes

3/9/2022

 
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By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

I have never liked making mistakes. This was always most prevalent for me in school. When I was in 1st grade, we had a spelling quiz each week. If you got a perfect score, you did not have to retake it. I have been told that most times I did not get a perfect score, I would cry. In 4th grade, I got my first D on an exam. I distinctly remember when my teacher told me and I could not stop crying as I was so frustrated with myself. However, there were other areas of my life that I was more than okay making mistakes in! Specifically, anything sports related. Playing kickball in P.E. class, I rarely kicked the ball far enough. I even remember when other kids would be upset with me that I was not a better teammate. But you know, it did not bother me! I just had fun and placed no pressure on myself to be perfect!

I think for a lot of people, we have certain areas in our life in which we are hard on ourselves, whereas in others we can give ourselves more grace. I was always “good” at school, so when I messed up, I had a harder time handling it. Whereas with sports, I was proud of myself if I just got through the game. The only way I became better at handling the fact that I would make mistakes academically was just by making more mistakes. I had to get used to the fact that mistakes happen, even if I thought they should not.

Childhood really is a great time for making mistakes! As adults, we at times want to shield kids from the negative results some of their mistakes might lead to. However, making mistakes is fundamental in development and there are some mistakes that might be worth letting them make to reach those developmental milestones. Here are a few reasons why it is important for kids to make mistakes.

  1. They learn to problem solve. Through making mistakes, they can learn to tell themselves “Okay, this did not go how I hoped. What can I do now?” They will learn how to reassess the situation and develop a plan B. If they make another mistake, they can make a plan C. This helps them learn to not give up after one or two attempts and that in some way they will figure it out!
  2. It teaches them they are human. This is something that I wish I had learned much earlier in life! They might put a lot of pressure on themselves and making mistakes allows them to experience failure. Experiencing, and more so FEELING failure lets them know that despite their best efforts, mistakes do happen! No one can avoid it no matter how hard they try.
  3. They learn the world will not actually end. If they feel anxious they will make a mistake - and then make the mistake - they usually feel even more anxious. However, once they see that whatever they were most worried about did not happen, it can start to reduce the anxiety they feel.
  4. They develop distress tolerance. If what they feared would happen does happen, it is a great time to increase distress tolerance. When we mess up, we might feel anxious, overwhelmed, or angry. All of those feelings are valid! By practicing making mistakes as a child, they can learn to slowly increase their ability to get through these difficult emotions or uncomfortable outcomes.
  5. Being perfect does not define your worth. Lastly, they can learn that just because they made a mistake, it does not mean they are worth any less. They are still wholly and fully themselves, no matter what grade they get or how many goals they score.

Childhood is a great age to practice making mistakes, especially as the consequences of those mistakes often have smaller consequences than maybe some mistakes one could make in adulthood. Allowing your child to make mistakes while being able to receive your feedback and support can increase their self-confidence to try again.
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

Why Parents Should Encourage Risk Taking

2/23/2022

 
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By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

I usually associate risk taking with bungee jumping or skydiving. Those are both “risks” I doubt I will ever take, no matter how many times my friends say “it’s so worth it”. While I am not a fan of heights, I do think I have taken risks in other ways. I think about the times when I have moved to a new city by myself. There were risks that I would not make friends and risks that I would regret having moved. However, I was willing to take those jumps because I knew I could find a way to handle it. As an adult, it feels easier to tell myself to take a risk. I can gauge if the risk is too big or if it might be just big enough by the amount of risks I have taken in life so far. Children can benefit from taking risks too. There are definitely times that a risk is too big (like the time I tried to jump into the pool without my floaties “like the big kids”). However, appropriate risk taking can actually be really helpful in their development. Below I have shared some of the benefits of allowing kids to take risks.

  1. Risk taking builds confidence. I think one example of this is when a child first rides a bike without training wheels. Once they overcome the fear of falling (and likely fall a few times), they gain more confidence. When a child is able to try new things and they realize they have succeeded, it can be a huge self-confidence booster.
  2. It increases the likelihood they will try new things. That self-confidence gain helps them see other risks as opportunities they can take. It helps them feel less limited in what they can do. When we try to protect a child a little too much, they end up learning that there are tasks they cannot do that they probably can. This can end up leading to more self-doubt.
  3. They can learn to fail well. If they try something new and it does not go well, this can actually be a good thing! This allows them the opportunity to feel the disappointment, recover, and build strength to try again. They learn that they can feel disappointment and still be proud of giving it a go. In the end, this can increase their resilience when trying new things. This also gives a parent the chance to validate their child’s feelings of disappointment, while also reflecting on the courage it took to take the risk.
  4. They learn what risks are too risky. When children try new things, they often look at their parent first to see if what they are about to do is safe. If a child has less opportunities to decide for themselves what risks to take, they might have a difficult time gauging what risk is too risky or reckless in the future. Like I shared above, if they decide to take a risk that ends up having been a tad too risky, it allows an opportunity for the parent and child to talk about it. It can help the child reflect on how they might better know for the future if a risk is too much.

While your child might not be begging to go bungee jumping, I would encourage you to consider what appropriate risks they could take that can help them continue to increase their self-confidence. By doing so, it can help increase their sense of agency as they move towards adulthood.

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

Recognizing Anxiety in Kids

2/16/2022

 
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By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

When I think of anxiety as an adult, I think of stressful thoughts, racing hearts, sweaty palms, and being preoccupied with whatever I’m anxious about. As adults, we’ve had years to learn to improve our ability to identify what emotion we’re feeling. When you can identify it, it makes it a lot easier to navigate how to cope. Sometimes just being able to identify an emotion is relieving in itself.
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For kids however, it can be harder for them to identify and communicate what emotion they are feeling. It can be even more difficult because some emotions, like anxiety, can look like anything but anxiety! Below I have listed some ways of what anxiety can look like in kids that might differ from adults.

  1. Difficulty concentrating. If their mind seems to wander more or if they are having difficulty focusing on tasks or daily activities, it might be anxiety. Sometimes their anxious thoughts can end up clouding their ability to focus in the same way that when adults are stressed, we might become more easily distracted.
  2. Physical symptoms. You might also have heard this described as somatic symptoms. There was a time in high school when I kept feeling nauseous before school. I could never figure out what was causing it. It was not until I reached adulthood that I recognized it was anxiety manifesting as nausea. Anxiety can look like a variety of physical symptoms, like muscle tension or restlessness. If your child complains of tummy aches, this can be a possible sign of anxiety. (Of course, if you’re concerned about yours or your child’s physical health, it is best to consult a medical provider to ensure there is nothing else going on).
  3. Irritability. Sometimes when a child is angry or even just frustrated, it really is not about the person or situation that is occurring. Rather, it might be anxiety coming out as anger. Anger can be a way of protecting oneself from something that is scary or worrisome. If your child has become more irritable recently, I would encourage you to be curious about what else might be going on and if there has been a recent change that might have initiated it.
  4. Wanting to avoid school. It could be that they dread a specific class (this was me for every English class) or just not be a fan of school as a whole. It could also be that there is something about the school day that is so uncomfortable or anxiety producing that it feels safest to stay home. They just might not be able to identify that they are feeling anxious or what it is they are anxious about. If your child is attempting to avoid going to school, this behavior might not be as much about defiance but more so them feeling overwhelmed.
  5. Withdrawing from others. Sometimes when a child seems depressed, it might actually be anxiety (or a combination of both). Like irritability, it can be another way to protect yourself. If a child withdraws from others, it can be a way to feel like they are able to take a step back from the anxiety producing situation.
  6. Difficulty sleeping. I think as adults, a lot of us know that when we are stressed, we often won’t sleep well that night. For kids however, since they might not be able to verbalize their stress and anxiety, it comes out as difficulty sleeping.

While this isn’t an exhaustive list, these are some of the most common ways anxiety shows up in kids. If your child is experiencing any of the above, it might be helpful to check in with them on their stress levels and just remind them that you are there for them to be a listening ear.

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

5 Ways to Address Suicidal Ideation as a Parent

1/26/2022

 
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By: Andrea Seldomridge
Wondering if your child is at risk of hurting themselves can feel incredibly scary. Sometimes it is hard to know if your child’s depressed mood is another part of being a child or teen, or if it is a sign of something more urgent. Maybe you are concerned that your child is feeling suicidal or they might have already communicated that they are indeed having suicidal thoughts. It can be hard to know how to keep your child safe when it comes it suicide or how to even broach the topic. If you are wondering if your child is experiencing suicidal thoughts or are concerned that their depression is something more than depression, here are some ways you can address suicidal ideation as a parent.
  1. Check for warning signs. There are several potential warning signs of suicidal thoughts. These include experiencing a depressed mood, loss of interest in activities, increased substance use, saying statements like “I wish I could sleep and never wake up” or “no one would miss me if I was gone”, or talking about death and suicide.
  2. Ask them directly if they are having suicidal thoughts. There is a common myth that asking someone if they are suicidal or bringing up the topic of suicide can put the idea in their mind. Research shows that this is not only a myth, but it is actually best to ask directly. This can look like “have you been having thoughts of killing yourself or thoughts of suicide?” This lets your child know that you see their pain, care enough to ask, and that you want to support them.
  3. Assess risk. When we assess for risk in therapy, we always assess for if someone has a plan to commit suicide, an intent on doing so, and if they have the means to. As a parent, you can ask “have you made a plan to attempt suicide? have you thought about how you would attempt suicide?” and if so asking if they have access to the items they would use. If they answer yes to any of these, let them know you are glad they could share this information with you and that you will continue to be there for them. It would then be important to seek out professional help, such as contacting a therapist, calling a suicide hotline, or visiting your local emergency room if the risk is imminent.
  4. Make the situation safe. Removing the means someone would commit suicide with is a way to help keep someone safe. For example, if a child shares that they would use medication to attempt suicide, you can keep the medication locked in a different cabinet. Additionally, I would highly encourage you to keep firearms locked and kept out of access.
  5. Ask how you can support them. This can be different for every child, but if they are able to identify a way you can be there for them, thank them for letting you know. Be sure to avoid minimizing pain or providing a quick fix. If they are not ready to talk, you can let them know that it is okay if they are not ready and that you will be there to listen whenever they are. For many children, attending therapy can be a great place where they can begin talking with another person who will listen and support them. Lastly, another way to support them is finding small activities to engage in together, such as going on a walk or watching a movie. This shows them that you are there for them without feeling a pressure to talk.

If you are ever concerned for the safety of your child, seek out professional help. This can look like seeking out therapy for your child or calling the Access and Crisis line (1-888-724-7240). If your child is at immediate risk, call 911 or go to your local emergency room.

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

5 Ways to Support Teens with Low Self-Esteem

1/19/2022

 
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By Dr. Andrea Seldomridge
Being a teen can be difficult to say the least. While it is a time of self-exploration, figuring out who you are and what you value, it is also a time when it becomes especially easy to compare yourself to others. A teen might not make the sports team or pass that difficult class, or may start to compare how they look to their peers. Most teens end up struggling with low self-esteem at some point. It can feel painful as a parent to see your child doubt themselves, but thankfully there are a few things parents can do to help their teen gain confidence in themselves.

  1. Make space to listen rather than problem-solve. I think this is hands down the best thing one could do. Providing a space where your teen can share how they are feeling without providing a solution can make them feel heard and seen. It can be so easy to quickly point out what is great about them - there are likely several things that are great about them! However, sometimes it can end up feeling invalidating. Instead, you can just reflect to them how they are feeling by saying “I know you’re feeling down” or “I know you’re really frustrated with this class”.
  2. Focus on efforts rather than outcomes. For myself, science was always the most difficult class and the tests that I never quite got the grade I was hoping for. I remember when someone told me “you worked really hard and that matters a lot”. It was so encouraging to have someone praise the effort I put into it, because even when I did not get the grade I could still be proud of myself for the extra studying. If your teen is dealing with low self-esteem regarding a class, not making the sports team, or just not meeting their expectations, try praising them for the efforts they put into it.
  3. Encourage them to try new things. Encouraging your teen to try a new activity can help boost confidence and gain practice in putting themselves out there. Whether they do well or do not meet their expectations, you can reflect the courage it takes to try new activities.
  4. Speak kindly to yourself. This is a great way to model positive self-talk! Many of us (including myself) are skilled in identifying the things we dislike about ourselves. Creating the habit of using positive self-talk with ourselves can be a good way to demonstrate it to teens.
  5. Help them reflect on ways they have grown. When experiencing low self-esteem, all-or-nothing thinking can set it. It might leave them feeling like they have never been good enough and won’t ever be. Helping them identify things that were once difficult for them that they now do with ease can increase self-confidence.

Gaining self-esteem is a gradual process. Listening to your teen, reflecting their feelings, and being there for them are some of the best ways to help them increase their self-confidence.
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At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

5 Signs You Desperately Need a Social Media Detox

1/12/2022

 
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By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge
I think social media definitely has some positives. I still remember the day in high school I first signed up for a social media account. It was exciting to have a way to talk with friends outside of school in a time when most teens did not have their own phone. It can be a creative way to connect with friends and loved ones, especially those that live far away. However, I do think it has some downsides. It’s so easy to keep scrolling through photos and videos, seeing the highlights of the lives of others, seeing more ups than downs, and seeing fun nights out rather than potential lonely nights in. Maybe you’ve been feeling that you use social media too much or wonder how it might be impacting you. If that’s you, here are some signs that a social media detox might be beneficial for you and your mental health.

  1. You feel down after looking through social media. This one might be obvious, but if you find yourself feeling sad, anxious, or down after spending time on social media, taking a break or reducing your use could be helpful. If you aren’t sure how social media is affecting your emotions, I’d encourage you to try to pay attention to how you are feeling before and after going on social media. It might give you a better sense for how it is affecting you.
  2. You feel increased levels of “fomo”, or fear of missing out. Social media can make it seem like interesting things are happening all the time to everyone. It also makes it seem like people are usually with friends instead of having nights alone, let alone ever feeling lonely. However, social media often isn’t an accurate portrayal of real life. There is no possible way to be part of all friend hang outs or go to every concert that shows up in one’s social media feed. It’s okay to have nights at home by yourself! If you’re experiencing that fear of missing out, it could be an opportunity to be the one to plan a coffee trip with a friend or movie night. Others will likely be grateful that you reached out to them.
  3. You’re comparing yourself more often to others. People usually document fun or celebratory events, like a promotion, rather than when they failed a big test or had an argument with their partner. You might feel like you are behind in life, not reaching various “milestones” at the speed others seem to be. I can guarantee you many others feel the same way. If you notice yourself feeling this way, this might be a sign to take a pause from social media.
  4. You’re feeling more insecure about your physical appearance. It is so easy to start comparing how you look to others on social media. Photo filters that make skin look porcelain are ever prevalent. Remember that most people do not have perfectly clear skin or frizz-free hair all the time. Everyone feels insecure about how they look at one time or another, but if this is happening more often, I’d encourage you to take a break from scrolling and see if your level of confidence about yourself improves.
  5. You feel urges to document your day or events you go to. It can be exciting to share what is going well with others, like showing photos of that good dinner you ate, or that you saw a gorgeous San Diego sunset (we really do have some of the best!). However, if you are experiencing urges to post when exciting things happens, there might be some reasons behind it. Does it ever feel like if you don’t post something, it didn’t happen? Or that you need others to see that you have it all together? Paying attention to how often you feel the urge to post on social media can be a good indicator if it is time for a social media detox.

Going about a social media detox can look different for everyone, so here are a few different ways. Cutting it all out at once can work really well for some people. For others, myself included, choosing a smaller goal is more helpful. This might be taking a break from a specific social media app of your choice. For myself, I have found choosing a time of day to not login has been the most helpful. I decided to not login during the first and last 30 minutes of my day. This has allowed me to have time to set intentions for the day and to reflect on the day before falling asleep. Committing to a small step can be challenging at first, but the positive effects on mental health can be significant.

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At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

Why isn’t self-care making me feel any better?

8/1/2020

 
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Every blog that I write lately, I want to begin with both - how is it already August but also, what a long year 2020 has become. It truly has just been such a challenge for all of us and while each of our storms is slightly different, we have all certainly been in a storm of some kind these days. For many of us, we may be trying to cope by using various methods of self-care like exercise, sleeping, baking, cooking, hobbies, cleaning, etc. Some people may be wondering why they are doing all of these things if they don’t seem to have lasting change and results in terms of “feeling better.” 

The layers of challenge that we have all been faced with are so immense that I think it is worth mentioning that while self-care can help us tolerate and get through and cope with our situations, it is not going to alleviate all of our suffering and emotional discomfort or pain during a situation like this. 

The truth is that while self-care has been touted as the new “be all end all” of solutions to help us cope, it is a term that seems to also be synonymous with “not feeling upset anymore, not struggling, not being so darn tired, etc.” Unfortunately, while coping skills and self-care strategies are helpful, they are band-aids when the real problem we are dealing with is living lives that are not sustainable for one reason or another. 

Unfortunately, no amount of self care will take away the discomfort we feel from living lives that are not sustainable. The unsustainable status of your life might be because of impossible expectations of yourself or others, the heaviness of our current social and political climate, declining health of yourself or a family member, or living without an alignment of your values and actions. 

Coping skills and self care are a bandaid meant to reduce intensity of symptoms so that you are able to do the work that is needed to make real change in your life. This is the thing that many of us get entirely wrong about self-care or coping strategies - they are not the solution in and of themselves. They are just there to help the pain you are in be less acute so that you can address the root causes of the pain. 

If you’ve been trying to fix things and feel less through self care or coping skills, you’re not doing it wrong. But you’re not feeling better because you’ve got more work ahead of you. The work is in the incredibly intense and sometimes painful but also keenly rewarding work of taking a deep, long look at your life and exploring what is working for you and what is not. This requires exploring yourself, your patterns, how you cope, what you react to, and what your underlying beliefs, assumptions, expectations, and values are both of yourself and of others. 

While this process is intense and difficult, it is no less intense or difficult than repeatedly trying to push away feelings that come up when our lives are out of balance and alignment. In order to try to figure out what is going on for you, it helps to take some space to either journal, meditate, or maybe take some time for personal reflection through reading personal growth journeys or books. You could also do this kind of work with a therapist. Often, our job is to help our clients communicate and identify their beliefs and values and hold up a mirror to help them see their life with more clarity. With that clarity and a judgment free space like our office, our clients are better able to make changes to help them feel better longer term. 

If you're reading this and wondering how to gain clarity about your values and how they are influencing your choices, try out the following activities: 
  • Values Sort - This is an exercise where you try to identify your top 10 values from a larger list. Click here for an easy to use list online! 
  • Examine how your values line up with your day to day life 
  • Journal about your values each day and how you lived them 
  • Consciously try to remember that you are choosing things all the time and make those choices more in your awareness. “I am choosing --- because ---” 

The more we can learn to connect our day to day choices with our values and how we are living our lives, the more we can either notice that we are living consistent with our intentional values and goals or that we are not. If you aren’t finding your values line up with your choices, this consciousness can help you find small ways to make changes. 

If you feel frustrated often or like you are being too hard on yourself or your loved ones: 
  • List expectations - It also can be helpful to sit down and come up with a list of expectations that you have for yourself and others. Putting them in writing sometimes helps us realize just what we think we should be capable of and how unrealistic those ideas may be. 
  • Re-create a more appropriate list of expectations - Maybe you can even just use your other list plus your values list to help yourself create a more realistic version of your goals. 
    • For example, if your expectation is to be kind always to your children, kindness might be a value of yours. With values, we want to just work towards them rather than expect them of ourselves all the time. So maybe an appropriate expectation is to work on being kind even when your kids are struggling or not following directions and you could come up with ways to do this that are realistic and something you can accomplish. 

I hope this is helpful to you!  I know it can be difficult to put a lot of effort into trying to cope differently and more effectively but to also not actually feel that it is helpful. I am hoping these strategies will be more beneficial in the long run even though they take more time in the short term! 

​At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

The Relentlessness of Parenting, Coronavirus Edition

4/30/2020

 
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As a therapist, business owner, and mom myself, I have reflected often on the relentless nature of modern parenting. The standards and ideals many of us hold very dear and genuinely feel are important, if not vital, are challenging in our typical lives. Now we have the challenge of living during a global pandemic which is placing an unreasonable amount of pressure on parents, particularly parents of kids who are not entirely independent and working parents.
 
We are also getting mixed signals in the world about how to handle this… do we relax our expectations?  Do we just need to get even more efficient and sleep less to get everything we need to get done?  Do we need more color-coded charts perhaps?
 
I am of the belief that we likely will need to relax our expectations of ourselves in order to survive this situation as well as we can. We are just not going to be able to meet every deliverable at work, be our best parenting selves 24 hours a day, and have our lives look up to our ideal standards (whatever that might be for you).
 
Without the government stepping in and providing more relief to parents, this is an unsustainable situation for most of us. While we might be able to do it for a short period of time, when we start talking about many many more months, parents deservedly start wondering what in the world are we going to do?  The choices many parents are facing feel pretty grim as none of them feel like the “right” thing to do. Many of us have the privilege that we have not had to face a list of options that all feel terrible but are the only things we can do in a given situation. What a rude awakening we are having!
 
Here are some of the questions parents are facing…
  • Do I send my medically fragile child back to daycare so I can get work done?
  • Do I involve other family members and risk exposing them to Coronavirus so that I can get work done?
  • Do I take a leave of absence from work?
  • Do I just not get my work done even though that places my job/career at risk and I clearly have bills to pay?
  • Do I just give up and let my kids watch TV all day?
  • Do I stop paying my bills so I can hire a babysitter? 
  • Do we crowd source and share child care with other families?
 
Additionally, parents are feeling so mixed about almost any choice we make. When all of the choices have very clear negatives but there is not one that is guaranteed to be better/easier/manageable, it puts us in an uncomfortable position. Often, I would say we are faced in the most direct way possible with the truth that we cannot do it all. Definitely not right now, and I would argue most likely not ever because the standards have always been unrealistic. However, in order to cope and survive, we as families are having to lower our bars even more, which is uncomfortable particularly for those of us who are perfectionistic and already felt that we were not entirely doing things “ideally.”
 
I wanted to write about this as I feel that parents need to know they are not alone. So many of the parents I speak to feel alone in this and like they are the only ones struggling. I am here to tell you that you are not. This is really hard and most parents I know are really having a hard time.
 
Our coping is going to need a dramatic overhaul in the coming weeks. It is likely not going to be good enough to just take 5 minutes for yourself a day or to throw yourself even more into color coded charts. We are going to need to take some deep looks at our lives, values, and priorities and make some really tough decisions. While there are certainly no quick fixes, and often there are going to be no “right” or “perfect” or even “good enough” answers, we need to work on how we relate to ourselves through this situation.
 
The kinder, more compassionate, and gentle we can be with ourselves – the better. While I may not be able to solve the challenges your family is facing, I can offer some thoughts of ways to work in some self-compassion.
 
  1. Daily affirmations – Practice talking to yourself as you would to a loved one. Remind yourself you are doing the best you can and that you will get through this somehow. This is a season of our lives that will not last forever.
  2. Gratitude – Whatever it is, practicing gratitude for the small wins or positives in your life will help.
  3. Journal - Letting yourself acknowledge the challenges you are having and how you are feeling is powerful in feeling less confused or conflicted about what you are feeling. This can help you cope and feel less stressed.
 
In times of transition and change, the most important thing for all of us is to try to be flexible and understanding with ourselves. We need to re-define our parenting ideals and make it okay for parents to be imperfect and to have that be okay. I always tell clients in my office that perfect parents are not welcome or even helpful for kids.
 
Kids and teens need us to be imperfect and to show them how to relate to our challenges and mistakes with compassion so that they can do the same. If you are struggling in this situation to communicate the way you want with your child or maybe you are losing your patience, being inconsistent, or whatever other “parenting no-no” you are having – work on repairing with them and with yourself. Talk to them and let them know you love them and are trying your best.
 
Most of all, hang in there parents. This is really hard and there is a crazy amount of pressure on us these days. Let’s not add to it ourselves with even more expectations!

As always, we at Thrive are here for parents and teens, particularly during this unprecedented time in our world. We want to help you make the most of the pandemic but also help you cope with it if you are struggling. Please make sure to balance any advice you are taking with a healthy dose of self-care and realistic expectations!​
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

Parenting during a crisis

3/15/2020

 
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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman 

 Wow. Things have been moving at lightning speed for the past week!  In light of the challenges families and parents are facing as many of them, especially in our community in San Diego, are being asked to work from home and care for kids who are now home for the next three weeks unexpectedly. I know I, as a business owner and mother myself, have been feeling the pressure and stress lately and thought it might be helpful to write a post about how parents can support their kids during this time.
 
I felt this was important particularly because even young children will sense something is going on due to being able to feel the anxiety and stress their parents are feeling. In a time like this, where everything feels out of control, I think it is important to consider that what we can control is our reactions and mindset. I believe that this is going to be the most important way to support your child also.
 
Here are some of my thoughts about how parents can set the tone for the coming weeks in their family:
 
Try to stay calm
I know, I know, this is like asking the impossible of people right now!  I know parents are worried about their health, their kids, maybe even their aging family members as well as finances, how this is going to impact our world long-term, and just how they are going to survive the next few weeks or months. I know. I feel all of that stress and anxiety too, believe me! What I realize though is that the way we handle this situation is going to significantly impact how our kids manage it. If we are able to model healthy coping in an unmanageable situation, consider how much our kids will learn about coping from us!  Plus, they might cope better even now - which is a win for all of us. 

I believe the first step is to recognize that none of us, I repeat, none of us can control this situation anymore. All we can do is try to manage our response and keep our cool to some extent around our kids. Of course you are worried and scared and it's great to acknowledge that and to even share it with them, but to also give your kids a message that we are in this together and you will still do everything you can for them. 
 

Consider the positives
I know that this situation feels dire and is dire for so many people. I would NEVER EVER say that this is in any way desirable or a good situation for us as a country and in our world. However, I think that our mindset really impacts how we experience something so I would encourage you to find some positive in this. Maybe it is that you were hoping to work from home in your job and now you have the opportunity to show your boss you can do so. Maybe it is that you were feeling like you needed more time together as a family and less structured time with activities. Maybe it is that you needed time a home to accomplish some things (I might even potty train my toddler if we end up home for a long stretch!).

Even when talking with your kids, help them notice the positives of communities coming together to help the least strong of us get through this. In every disaster and crisis, there are going to be heroes and it is up to us to point them out to our kids and to ourselves. 

Please don’t ignore the fact that this is all very scary and serious, but let’s not focus too much on that part as it will not help us through it. We need to bond together and get through this with the least panic and anxiety as we can.
 
Set your expectations appropriately
Please be mindful of what you are asking of your child. If you are expecting them to sit at home all day with you while you work, that might just be asking too much. If you are expecting to get as much done as you usually would with a younger child home now, you might be expecting too much of yourself. Be mindful that most of our frustrations come from unmet and unspoken expectations and we can avoid them by going into unknown territory like this situation by setting the bar low.
 
Consider ways to bond and connect as a family
If we are going to be home more, I think it is helpful to think of how to enjoy that time. I know at my house, we have been enjoying a less structured schedule this weekend and spending a lot of time letting our toddler guide play rather than squeezing in activities around errands. We have been spending time creating new games and exploring toys that we hadn’t played with in a while. Try to focus on enjoying this time we have together and find a way to be a team with your partner (if you have one), or with your kids. We are going to get through this together!
 
Remember that your child is probably scared too.
We need to be mindful of how much information we give them about what is happening and what we need to do to help buffer that information. We have had children at our office who are very worried and feel like they might die. Try to reassure your kids that we are doing everything we can to protect all of the members of our society and try not to focus on the fear too much. Also, remember that kids do not often say they are scared; they might act out, become distant, become overly controlling, or act in other ways that can be really frustrating for parents. I know this is hard and parents are already stressed but we need to have some grace. For ourselves and for our kids.
 
Give everyone some grace
We will get through this situation as best as we can but I am sure we will make mistakes along the way too. When parents are stressed, those mistakes are often in the way we respond to our kids when they are struggling. Making sure you repair things if you get overly upset with your child is more important than ever. It’s okay to let them know you are worried and possibly reacting in ways that are not helpful too. It’s okay to explain that you are worried because we have not experienced something like this before and the unknown is scary for most people. Normalize the fact that they are probably feeling the same way and connect with them through the shared experience. Let them know you will do everything you can to make sure your family is okay and that it is going to be okay because you will get through it together. This is a great time to let them know all feelings are okay and understandable. Of course they are frustrated and angry that they can’t play with their friends but they might also be happy that they have extra time to play at home. This is a great time to teach them to make the best of things and about how to interpret others’ actions with generosity.
 
These are challenging times for our community. Let’s try to be mindful that everyone is struggling with fears and some may cope by well, buying all the toilet paper out there. Some other may cope by living their life as though nothing is going on because it is just so scary to consider our lives are changing as we know it. As parents, it is up to us to try to find the middle ground and acknowledge the fears and challenge we are facing but to communicate a message that we will rise above this and cope together. Yes, this is hard and yes, we do not know what exactly is going to happen, but we know we will figure it out together. That is the message we all need to hear right now, especially the littlest of us! 

At Thrive, we will continue to support our clients and any new clients during this time of crisis via telehealth (video sessions). Call us today if you would like to discuss this as an option! 
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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