Anxiety is a tough thing to experience during our usual schedules and lives, let alone during the high pressure and expectations of the holidays!  The gift giving and receiving, pressure to make everything Pinterest Perfect, and family get togethers that are sometimes anything but jolly – is a recipe for increased anxiety and stress for all of us!  So, in preparation for the festive holiday season, I thought it might be helpful to go through some ideas of ways to help manage stress this holiday season, particularly if you are a parent with anxiety. 
 

1. Let some things go…  I mean this in so many ways. Try to let go of your expectations of yourself and others but also let go of things that cause stress or even financial debt. Maybe make a list of all of the things you feel you need to do and events you need to attend and make sure the things you commit to are truly most important to you. 
2. Focus on what matters to you and your family… What are your favorite holiday traditions and things you want to focus on this year? Often, we end up with a list of 10000 things we think we need to do, make, etc. but try to focus on just the top 5 things that are important to you or your kids. 
3. Slow down… Find some time to just slow down this holiday season. Schedule in some high quality family time where you just relax together and play some board games or watch a movie. Not everything you do is going to be Instagram worthy and that is okay! 

 
I know these tips are a bit easier to write than they are to do for many of us. I believe that the more we as parents can get in touch with our values and what is most important to us, the more we can slow down and do things that really matter. Plus, the more we are likely to enjoy them which means our whole family will be happier!   

 I know, I know, as a therapist I am supposed to be all about positive thinking. For a while, I even tried out the whole “positive thinking” thing and would just try to wash away my so-called negative thoughts with positive ones. It was certainly appealing to think that if I just think “positive,” I would feel better! Honestly, it did not work so well for me and I notice in my work with people that it often leads to people feeling worse. I’m sure many of you have had this experience too, where you are talking about something difficult in your life and someone says something like, “it’ll be okay, just think positive” or another offender, “it could always be worse, or that sounds like a first world problem.” How do you end up feeling after that kind of comment? Often, invalidated, judged, and like you are totally misunderstood. Or, you might then start trying to think positive and not be able to do it (because you are a person and feelings are a natural part of life but more on that later), and then you judge yourself for not being able to be a “better, more positive person.” Somehow we have begun deeming thinking only positive thoughts and feeling only positive feelings as a goal or judgment of our worth as a person in our society. 
 
What I find to be really interesting is how often this message of “I should just think positive” comes into my therapy sessions with clients of all ages. This focus on “positivity” tells me a lot about our current culture and thoughts about coping and mental health. Unfortunately while I think positive thinking culture and the people who advocate for it mean very well, I think the message that “if we can just think positive, everything will go away and we'll feel great” is a real problem. This message tells us that unpleasant things, emotions, situations, or thoughts essentially just need to be suffocated with positivity and to go away. Some of you may wonder why that is a problem.  Shouldn’t unpleasant things just go away? I would say no, they should not just go away at all for many reasons. 
 
6 Reasons Why Positive Thinking Can be a Problem: 
 
1.   It is not realistic: 
It is not possible to be positive all the time because that would mean that we avoid feelings we deem to be “negative.”  However, ALL feelings are important, valuable, and necessary in life (even the uncomfortable and downright unpleasant ones). Our emotions are essential cues to our environments and we need all of them, even the ones we would rather avoid like shame, dread, jealousy, fear, or insecurity. 
 
2.   Avoiding unpleasant emotions does not make them go away:
Unfortunately, our emotions do not just go away because we avoid them or ignore them. They tend to build up inside and fester and grow, becoming more challenging to deal with in the long run, though this may feel good temporarily. The analogy I like to use is of a soda bottle being shaken up, that is exactly what it is like when we hold in unpleasant emotions, at some point they will come out or we will need to do more and more to keep our semblance of control over them. Unfortunately, this can lead to even more unhealthy coping patterns such as addictions, self-injury, or damage in our relationships. 

3.   Positive thinking can lead to denial of our challenges:
If we think that we are only supposed to think and feel positive things, we might glaze over the challenges we have had in our lives. This means that we would be less likely to share our struggles, integrate them into who we are now, and truly live authentic lives with meaningful connections with others. I believe that connecting with others in a meaningful, authentic, genuine way is not possible if we do not know how to discuss our challenges. This one actually leads right into my next reason… 
 
4.   If we avoid thinking deeply about our challenges we will also avoid getting to a place of learning from our challenges
As I mentioned above, not thinking about our struggles can lead to less authentic connections with others but it can also lead to less authentic connections with ourselves where we simply try to avoid the parts of ourselves or our lives that have been less than great. As a therapist, I believe that the most important thing we can do is to look at our struggles and challenges in detail to learn from them and understand ourselves better. If we just glaze over challenges though, this learning becomes impossible and we might even keep repeating unhealthy patterns or relationships in our lives. 
 
5.   It perpetuates our happiness, or problem free life infatuation
I notice that our culture seems to encourage an almost infatuation with “happiness” or not having problems. I think this is fascinating because I am of the belief that suffering and problems are inherent in being human. We are going to struggle but we are also going to have some amazing successes and you most likely can’t have one without the other. Positive thinking seems to tell you that if you just thought positively, everything in your life would be positive and you would have no problems or struggles at all. You would just be happy all the time. 
 
The challenge is that happiness is not meant to be an ongoing, persistent feeling. Happiness, like all other emotions is a temporary state. All emotions are temporary the lovely ones, the not so lovely ones, and everything in between. Who wants to spend their life feeling jealous, insecure, shame, or guilt. No one. However, without the darker side of emotions we really wouldn't have capacity for the more pleasant ones. They are flipsides of the same coin and we really do need them both. 

6.   It perpetuates the stigma of mental illness
As a therapist, this is one of the most concerning effects of the positive thinking movement, that somehow depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive behaviors could somehow just be fixed by “positive thinking.” This grossly oversimplifies what people truly need to do to help themselves recover or manage these challenges and suggests that we can just magically think them away. As a therapist who witnesses the challenges of somebody with significant symptoms of any kind I find this to be deeply disturbing as well as deeply offensive.
 
In sum, while I do recognize some benefits of having a positive mindset (I’ll talk more about these in my next blog in this series), I believe that the incredible push towards only positive thinking has a lot of drawbacks and negative consequences in our ability to manage, cope with, and tolerate “negative” thoughts and feelings. 
 
I'd like to propose something different and what I believe to be more effective actually. Realistic thinking. This is thinking that lives in the middle of completely negative thinking and completely positive thinking. Check out more in my next blog in this series where I discuss what Realistic Thinking looks like! 
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

We live in a world saturated with insta-models, selfies, filters, and fillers. There is a growing number of teenage girls and young women that are unhappy with the way they look and feel.  According to research, self-esteem for girls continues to decline during their teenage years. Self-esteem is the way we feel about ourselves, and with high self-esteem comes behaviors that clearly reflect them.  Teenagers with high self-esteem will be able to tolerate frustration, manage their emotions, take pride in their accomplishments, become independent, and assume responsibility. On the other hand, teenagers, particularly girls, with lower self-esteem become vulnerable to the ideal body image portrayed by the media, develop social anxiety, depression, and have difficulty managing their emotions.  Low self-esteem can easily carry into adulthood and interfere with future relationships and a life that is both healthy and fulfilling.  
It’s time to focus on shaping our daughters into strong, independent women who will exude confidence and take over the world. So, what can parents do to encourage their daughters to build confidence in their abilities? Here are a few ways you can start planting seeds of positive self-esteem in your daughter today:

1.Model self-acceptance
Use yourself as a role-model for positive self-image. Asking questions such as “Does this make me look fat?” or putting your own image down can have a huge image on your own daughter’s self-image. Lead by example. Practice daily affirmations and refrain from comparisons and self-criticisms.  This will help give yourself a self-esteem boost too. Be supportive and not critical, simply listen to what they have to say instead of giving your opinion. Believe it or not, they actually listen to what you are saying!

2.Praise her abilities and not her looks
It’s very easy to fall into praising how beautiful she is, or how gorgeous her luscious locks look.  Our culture has trained us to praise girls on their appearance but not their abilities.  Challenge yourself to compliment your daughter on her abilities twice as much as you compliment her on her appearance. Perhaps praise her on her achievements, skills, and talents.  Remember, it’s what she DOES that really matters.  Bonus points if you do the same with all the other girls (nieces, your daughter’s friends, other women in the family).
 
3.Let her have a say 
If want our daughters to be a good decision maker in that executive position then she will need practice. Let her have a say in appropriate decision-making matters whether it is about how to divide up the chores or how to spend family vacation time.  It’s not about giving free reign, but it’s about involving them in making a decision and learning how to deal with the consequences.  Teach her that her opinions matter.  Teach her howto think and not whatto think.
 
4.Paddling her own canoe
This goes along with giving your daughter a say in decision making matters.  Help her build resilience for life’s later challenges by letting her struggle but empathizing with her when she faces the consequences. If you create a perfect utopia of a childhood, she will have a difficult time handling adversity.  Girls are often portrayed as a damsel in distress, or a princess that needs saving.  It’s important for her to know she’s capable of dealing with difficult situations on her own and you will be there to support her in the aftermath. Remember it’s about finding her own way, not having her own way. 
 
5.Physical Activity
She doesn’t have to learn how to surf or take up horse-riding (well unless she wants to!). Exercising is a great way to increase feel-good hormones such as endorphins.  It could be as simple as taking a walk or going hiking together. Taking care of your own body teaches self-respect. It’ll also give you a chance to take care of yourself as well. 
It’s impossible to be an unwavering and confident woman all the time, but you can start showing your daughter how to love and care for herself by trying some of the ideas above. Raising a confident young woman is a long-term process. We’ve been instilled to speak or behave a certain way, so it’s okay if some days you accidently say things like “boys will be boys” or “that’s more ladylike”. Don’t give up! Perhaps practice some of these things for yourself first before you use them with your daughter (it’ll be a confidence booster, get it?).

Thrive Therapy Studio is now offering a Teen Girls Anxiety group. Topics of interest include perfectionism, school and social challenges, managing stress, and expectations. Check out the group description here. Call us today to reserve a spot for your teen daughter! 

If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 

I was recently asked to contribute to a discussion on how spoiling may impact kids later in life and I enjoyed this topic so much, I decided to expand on it in a blog of my own. If you would like to see the article I contributed to, please check it out here.
 
As a child and teen psychologist as well as parenting consultant, I believe that spoiling your children has a huge affect on them in so many ways both later in life and while they are children. I am referencing “spoiling” in terms of not setting limits with your child. While this often goes hand in hand with “helicopter parenting,” for the purposes of this blog, I am only discussing spoiling. If you’d like to read more on helicopter parenting, check out my blog on it here!
 
Parents often inadvertently spoil their children because they are struggling to set limits for a myriad of reasons… it could be that they are unsure of how to set limits appropriately as it was not modeled for them by their parents. It could also be that they do not want their child to be upset, frustrated, sad, or angry with them. For some parents, their child responds in such a difficult way when they set limits, they simply don’t have the energy to keep setting them. In general, a lack of limits comes from a place of kindness and for many overwhelmed parents, fatigue. While this is perfectly understandable (especially coming from a very tired new mom over here!), unfortunately, there are some lasting effects for kids that do not understand or respect boundaries.
 
The following are just some of the consequences that can occur for kids that have not had boundaries enforced:

1. Low frustration tolerance and difficulties managing strong emotions
2. Poor understanding of cause and effect and how their behavior may effect others
3. Little drive and ambition, coupled with a general lack of success in one’s career or job
4. Lack of accountability

 
As you can see, these are crucial skills and qualities of being a successful and resilient adult!  
 
Consider the following example: A child I once knew had left their bicycle in the driveway where a car could hit it. I asked them, “what would happen if your parents hit your bicycle because you didn’t put it away?” The child’s response was as follows, “they’ll just buy me a new one.” I was so shocked, appalled, and most of all concerned. This young child had no real understanding of money, the inconsiderate nature of this choice, accountability, or responsibility. And honestly, why would he if his parents would just go ahead and get him a new bicycle?
 
Setting firm but loving limits for your children gives them an amazing opportunity to develop the skills to deal with frustration, understand cause and effect, learn accountability, and work towards goals which helps in understanding cause and effect. To help a child learn to treat his belongings with more care, parents could respond in the following way.
 
Letting the child know that you saw that their bike was left out in a place it could be hit. Explaining gently that while it can be annoying or difficult to remember to take the time to take care of our things, that is how we can show we appreciate those things and to ensure we have them for a long time. If the child continues to leave the bike out, I would recommend that you then have a conversation again about how having a bicycle is a responsibility that they might not be ready for and remove that privilege for a period of time (a couple of days). I would also explain that if something happens to the bicycle or a family vehicle because of the bicycle being left out, the child will be responsible for completing chores to pay for damages and earn back the privilege of having the bike.
 
An even more current example would be a cracked iPhone screen. So often, kids are coming in my office with cracked screens that seem to continually be replaced by parents, who often have insurance plans who pay for it. While I understand that financially this may make sense to parents, I do believe that there should be some natural consequence for a child who cracks their phone. Maybe they need to pay for half the fee or lose the ability to have it for a while. This is how they will learn both the value of money and the importance of treating belongings with respect!
 
A key element of these conversations around limit setting is compassion and kindness. It is okay to let your child know you are disappointed in their choice, but also let them know that everyone makes mistakes and that it is okay as long as we take steps to fix the harm we cause. This way, you are not being overly punitive but you are still setting and holding a limit with them. After all, the goal is to prepare our children for the world where there are rules, structure, limits, and at times serious consequences.
 
At Thrive, we are skilled at helping parents set limits effectively and with loving kindness – call us today for a consultation if you are struggling in this area!  We are happy to help and approach these sessions without any judgment. Parenting is hard enough, we just want to support you!

If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, teen or family psychotherapy services in San Diego CA, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.