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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Isn’t parenting fun? One minute everyone is having a great time, and the next, your child could be having an epic meltdown. These moments can be challenging for both you and your child, but understanding and practicing "co-regulation" can make these moments a bit smoother. In this blog, we'll break down what co-regulation is and how it can be a game-changer when your child is going through a meltdown.
What's Co-regulation? Co-regulation is a fancy term for the give-and-take of emotions and behavior between you and your child. It means you, as the parent or caregiver, play a crucial role in helping your kid handle their emotions, especially during tough times like meltdowns. Co-regulation is all about being empathetic, supportive, and creating a nurturing environment to help your child learn how to deal with their feelings. Cracking the Meltdown Code Before we jump into the co-regulation stuff, let's get a grip on what meltdowns are and what sets them off. Meltdowns aren't the same as tantrums; they're more like emotional eruptions your child can't control. They happen when your kiddo feels overwhelmed by their emotions. Typical triggers include tiredness, hunger, sensory overload, frustration, and changes in their routine. Recognizing these triggers can help you step in before things go haywire. The Co-regulation Guide 1. Keep Your Cool: Your emotional state sets the tone for co-regulation. So, when your child is having a meltdown, try to stay calm. Your composure will create a safe space and show them how to regulate their emotions. 2. Show Some Love: Start by recognizing your child's feelings. Say something like, "I see you're really upset right now," or "I get that this is hard for you." Let them know that their feelings are valid and that you're there to support them. Some kids will become more upset upon hearing these words, and that’s okay. Offer some comfort and then simply stay near them in a quiet and calm way, offering support. 3. Comfort with Touch: A reassuring hug or holding their hand can provide a sense of security during a meltdown. Sometimes, physical contact can be super comforting. Also, if your child pushes you away, it is helpful to stay in the vicinity, but not too close. 4. Respect Personal Space: While some kids need cuddles during meltdowns, others may need a bit of space. Respect their preference, but make sure they know you're nearby if they need you. 5. Chill with Calming Techniques: Breathing exercises, mindfulness tricks, or counting together can help your child regain control over their emotions. Guide them through these techniques to help them calm down. My personal favorite is having kids try to blow my hand away. I hold my hand near their mouth and tell them to try and blow my hand down. Then, I act super animated and impressed when they take a deep breath, blow out, and boom, my hand is down! 6. Patience Is Key: Meltdowns take their sweet time. Be patient and be prepared to stick with your child until they've calmed down. Rushing the process can make things worse, so take your time. Note: If your child, like my son, does not respond well to “co-regulation,” that’s okay! Just try to stay close, but not too close, and say something comforting and kind. Keep your composure and be patient with them. Then, offer a hug once they are calm. Co-regulation is not for every child, and that’s okay :) Why Co-regulation Rocks Co-regulation isn't just about helping your child manage emotions; it's also about building a stronger bond with your kiddo. By being there for them during meltdowns, you're teaching them that it's okay to have intense feelings and that they can lean on you for comfort and understanding. This trust and connection will have a lasting, positive impact on their emotional growth. Meltdowns can be rough, but with the power of co-regulation, you can make them a bit more manageable. Remember, co-regulation is all about staying calm, being empathetic, offering comfort, and using calming techniques. By embracing this approach, you'll not only help your child handle their emotions but also build a solid, trusting parent-child relationship filled with love and support. So, take a deep breath, and remember that you've got this!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child or setting boundaries please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman has launched mini parenting coursesl! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
Parenting can be a wild ride filled with joys, challenges, and the constant quest to provide the best for our children. While we want to shield them from the world's worries, we also recognize that life often throws curveballs, and anxiety can creep into even the most wonderful childhoods. When a parent notices their child grappling with anxiety symptoms, it's natural to feel concerned and seek ways to help. One invaluable resource many parents turn to is individual therapy. In this blog post, we'll explore why parents opt for individual therapy to assist their child in managing anxiety.
Understanding Childhood Anxiety First, let's briefly delve into what childhood anxiety can look like. Anxiety in children may manifest as excessive worrying, fearfulness, restlessness, sleep disturbances, difficulty concentrating, and even physical symptoms like stomach aches or headaches. It can be triggered by various factors such as school stress, peer pressure, family issues, or even internal thoughts and fears. Why Individual Therapy? 1. A Safe Space to Express Emotions Individual therapy provides a safe and confidential space for children to express their thoughts and feelings openly. Children might find it challenging to articulate their anxieties to parents or teachers, fearing judgment or misunderstanding. A therapist creates an environment where children can share their concerns without fear of consequences. At our office, we like to do so by utilizing a lot of play and art in our therapy with children. You see, children learn best when you speak their language, which is often not talking about problems but playing or expressing them in other ways. 2. Specialized Guidance Therapists who work with children are trained to understand the unique developmental needs and challenges of young minds. They use age-appropriate techniques and tools to help children cope with anxiety. Therapists can connect with children through play, art, or talk therapy and help them navigate their feelings. All of the therapists at Thrive specialize in child and teen therapy as well as supporting families and parents. 3. Skill Development Anxiety can be complex, and individual therapy equips children with the skills to manage it effectively. Therapists teach strategies for identifying triggers, challenging irrational thoughts, and developing coping mechanisms. These skills empower children to tackle anxiety both in the short term and as they grow older. Often, children experiencing anxiety are eager to feel better and will readily engage in learning skills. At times, that can be challenging due to the desire to avoid facing their fears; in those situations, progress can be slow. However, it is always better to have your child attend therapy if possible! 4. Building Resilience Resilience is a crucial life skill; therapy can help children build it. Through therapy, children learn to face their fears, tolerate discomfort, and gradually develop the confidence to confront challenges independently. This newfound confidence can increase self-esteem, a stronger sense of self, and distress tolerance skills. You see, anxiety management and distress tolerance are closely related as we often need to learn to tolerate the initial distress and discomfort when facing a fear or anxiety-provoking situation. Doing so can be tricky, but it is a great skill for future challenges! 5. Parental Guidance and Support Individual therapy isn't just for the child; it can also provide parents valuable insights and guidance. Therapists often involve parents in the process, helping them understand their child's perspective and offering strategies to support their child effectively at home. At our office, we all enjoy involving parents so that everyone can make more progress through treatment! Parenting an anxious child can be incredibly challenging. Knowing when to accommodate their fears and needs and when to challenge them is hard. Often, parents of children with anxiety may also have their own experience of anxiety too. This stress makes it even more complicated, as you can imagine! Luckily, we at Thrive are here to help you figure out these challenging issues and parenting decisions! Contact us today to discuss how we can help your child and your family today
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman has launched mini parenting courses. You do not want to miss them!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
Our final therapist post is about Jennifer Gonzalez, LMFT 98444 who has been working with Thrive for almost 7 years! Jennifer is incredibly passionate about working with teens and their parents, but also has a specialty in working with parents individually. Not only does she do an amazing job supporting her clients, but she also works with me on supervising our team and helping to lead them clinically. If you have the rare opportunity to work with Jennifer (as her schedule is rarely open), I think you are in great hands!  Who do you LOVE working with? I enjoy working with clients of all ages! However, I am particularly interested in tweens and teens as I believe adolescence is the most challenging and complicated stage in a person’s life! As a therapist, I love having the opportunity to support my client’s identity development, interpersonal challenges, and social and emotional health. Also, due to my many years of experience working with adolescents, I have also developed a passion for working with their parents. My unique insight into this stage of development helps support parents' goals of raising healthy and autonomous individuals. What should potential clients know about you and your style in therapy? I utilize various evidence-based therapeutic modalities as I believe the therapeutic approach should meet the client’s needs, not vice versa. In treatment, I always operate under a trauma-informed and culturally sensitive lens. What is your favorite parenting tip or recommendation? Although not the only form of communication, words matter. Even when you think that your child is not listening, they are. The best way to teach your child positive behaviors is by role modeling, but you are also human, and you might not get it right every time. You are also learning with your child, so if you notice that your emotions are intensifying and might dictate your reaction, take some space and walk away rather than saying things you may not mean or want to say. What advice would you like to have received when you were younger? Expressing sadness is not a sign of weakness. I was raised in a culture that values strength and promotes the “fake it until you make it” mentality. Just because you are not doing or feeling well does not mean that you have to act like everything is fine. Feel all of your feelings. This will create opportunities to learn more about yourself and how to cope better. What do you like to do in your free time? I am an avid traveler. The best way to experience culture is by visiting the place of origin. One of the best learning experiences is cultural shock, as this provides a unique opportunity to question everything you know and perhaps change your perspective for the better. I think this has made me a more well-rounded therapist, so I can better understand and serve my clients. At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with Jennifer Gonzalez, or another Thrive therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
By Dr. Erica Wollerman
As I shared last week in my blog post about overscheduling, I have been thinking a lot about overscheduling as we adjust to the back-to-school phase. So often, our kids have jam-packed schedules filled with numerous extracurricular activities, tutoring sessions, and academic pursuits. While exposing kids to various experiences can be beneficial, overscheduling can take a toll on their physical and emotional well-being. As parents, it's crucial to strike a balance between offering enriching opportunities and allowing ample time for unstructured play and relaxation. In this blog post, I will share some of the risks associated with overscheduled children and the importance of nurturing balance and well-being in their lives.
So, what on earth could go wrong when you are just trying to provide your children with opportunities?
As parents, it's essential to evaluate your child's schedule regularly and make necessary adjustments to maintain balance. Focus on quality over quantity, allowing your child to participate in a few activities they genuinely enjoy and excel at. Invite them to talk with you about what they enjoy and what activities they might want to stop doing. It is a good learning experience for kids and parents to realize that we are not actually able to do “everything.” Encouraging downtime and rest in your child's daily routine is also important. Sufficient sleep and relaxation are vital for their physical and mental well-being. How you frame this to them is so important - so make sure to let them know that they need rest just as much as they need activity, school, and food. Let them know that the signals of being tired all the time, not motivated, stressed, etc., are actually signals of needing downtime, just like a check engine light in the car is a sign the car needs some mechanical support! The “check engine light” analogy usually is super helpful in building an understanding of what our bodies need! I totally understand why parents want to provide their children with so many opportunities - we all truly want the best for our children after all! Learning to strike a balance between enriching experiences and downtime is essential for their overall well-being and development. By nurturing a balanced schedule, we can foster their growth, creativity, and happiness, allowing them to academically and emotionally flourish. Remember that a child's well-being should always be the top priority, and finding that sweet spot of balance can lead to a healthier and more fulfilling childhood experience.
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Today, I wanted to share something that has been on my mind lately - the crazy world of overscheduling our kiddos. Now, don’t get me wrong, I totally get it! We all want the best for our kids, and we can get so caught up in the whirlwind of things we think we need to be doing for them or opportunities we need to provide them with.
Sometimes it feels like we are living in the era of trying to make our kids “super kids.” We want them to excel at everything they do and are willing to invest in them accordingly. Private lessons for a sport they just started? Why not! Extracurricular activities on a daily basis? Sure! Especially if you can afford to pay for these things, it can be hard to hold ourselves back from doing so. It can be hard to take a step back and think about what we communicate to our kids by doing so much all the time. As a psychologist, I worry a lot about both the message we send to our kids by having their days packed as though they are a mini CEO, but I also worry about the impact on us as parents. For the kids, I think that, unfortunately, we give them the message that their worth and value in the world are only driven by their actions and accomplishments rather than who they are as people. Additionally, it gives them little room to explore, play, and have down time that they need in order to consolidate the information they are learning all day. The major downside of this for them is that they can end up feeling like they need to be busy and accomplished to be worthy. And they can miss crucial opportunities for learning other parts of life that are outside a curriculum or activity, such as how to manage boredom, how to entertain yourself, how to cope with uncomfortable feelings, and how to develop their own interests on their own (without an adult’s support or guidance). I often wonder how our kids will develop creativity and passions without having more time to learn about who they are on the inside. Plus, let's not forget about the stress it puts on us as parents. The logistics alone could be a full-time job! Racing from one activity to another, trying to beat the clock, and crossing our fingers that the traffic gods are on our side—it's exhausting. We barely have time to catch our breath, let alone have quality family moments. I believe that overscheduling leads to parents and kids often feeling that they can never do enough or be enough. There just are not enough hours in the day for us to provide all of the enrichment we feel we need to provide for our kids. And by adding in activity after activity, we communicate to our kids that the way through our feelings is to always take action. I propose an alternative idea here. Let's aim for a balanced approach instead of running around like headless chickens. Choose a couple of activities that genuinely excite and interest our kids, and make sure there's still plenty of downtime just to be kids. This can also give us time as parents to have some of our own interests as well, which can only help our children as it helps us show them a more balanced life and an adult who is hopefully not perpetually busy and stressed. Another idea is to involve our kids in the decision-making process. Ask them what activities they enjoy the most and what they'd like to explore further. This way, we encourage autonomy and let them shape their own experiences. Of course, every family is different, and what works for one might not work for another. So let's not fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to other families and their schedules. Let's do what feels right for our kids and our own sanity. While it might be hard to believe this, childhood is not intended to be a race to adulthood with adult responsibilities! It is meant to be a time of play, development, and learning. At the end of the day, our goal is to raise happy, healthy, and well-rounded individuals. And that means striking that perfect balance between activities and downtime. So here's to embracing the messy, fun, and unplanned moments of childhood—let's savor them while we can!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
One of the most challenging things parents can deal with is their child struggling with school. Perhaps it is due to their executive functioning challenges, another mental or physical health diagnosis, or a learning disability. It could even just be that they do not have a particular aptitude for a subject, such as math or reading. Something I notice often in my work with children and teens is that parents are not always equipped to support their child who is struggling in this way.
It truly can be complicated as we want to empower our children to believe they can overcome challenges, but we also need to recognize that the challenges do exist in a very real way. Unfortunately, our academic systems are inherently ableist, and instead of our children knowing that they are doing the best they can in a system that is not designed for their needs, they believe they are “stupid, dumb, not good enough, etc.” As parents, it is crucial that we find a way to talk with them candidly about these experiences so that they can develop a healthier internal narrative. Here are nine tips to help you do just that: 1. Identify, Address, and Understand Learning Gaps To help your child, you will need to know what they are experiencing and struggling with if you do not already know. This means seeking professional support and possibly even an evaluation outside the school system to have a more thorough diagnosis. Once you know their challenges, seek further professional support, whether privately or through their school district. Even more, do your research to help yourself understand what their diagnosis means for them and what it means for you in terms of how you might need to support them. 2. Encourage a Growth Mindset: A growth mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication and hard work rather than innate ability. It is the idea of something not happening “yet” instead of “not ever possible.” For example, if your child struggles with reading, it is the ability to view that situation as temporary and something to work on. A skill that has not been developed yet, rather than that the child is “not capable of reading.” When their learning experiences are challenging, help your child persevere by emphasizing that mistakes are a crucial part of learning and not indicative of a problem with them or their capability. 3. Shift their narrative As a parent, if you get the sense that your child believes they are inherently unable to do something, work to help them shift their narrative to something more productive. For example, sharing with them that, at times, they are being compared to older peers or that their brain is just not ready to learn whatever they are learning. As adults, we can give them the perspective that things are hard to understand sometimes, and that does not have to mean anything negative about them. 4. Celebrate Small Victories For kids that struggle more than the average child, it can be extremely helpful for their parents to help them acknowledge and celebrate their victories, no matter how small. 5. Break Tasks into Manageable Steps For kids who struggle with learning disorders or executive functioning issues, it is essential to help them learn how to break tasks down so that they are less overwhelming. Schools often help with this, but it is important to help them at home too. Even with something as simple as cleaning up their room - help them identify one part or category of item to clean up first to help it feel less challenging. 6. Incorporate Learning through Play As I probably mention too often, play is how our children learn. No matter their strengths and weaknesses, play can be key to helping a child learn something they are struggling with academically. You could engage your child in educational games, activities, puzzles, etc. The goal is to make learning more enjoyable so they feel less negatively about school and educational activities. 7. Create a Quiet Study Environment Most children need a space without distractions and noise to study and complete their homework. This space is even more important for children who struggle academically. Make sure the area where they study is consistently available to them and that they have a consistent routine to complete academic tasks. 8. Encourage Your Child to Ask for Help Teach your child that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Encourage them to ask questions in class, seek clarification from teachers, or request assistance from peers. While it can be hard for a child who is struggling and may feel like asking for help just shows everyone else how much they struggle, it can be a huge source of support. Knowing when and how to seek help is an important skill that fosters academic growth and self-assurance. 9. Offer Unconditional Support Above all, let your child know that you love and support them unconditionally, regardless of their academic performance. Remind them that their value extends far beyond their grades and that you are proud of their efforts and progress. You can enhance this by ensuring you ask them about more than the areas they are struggling in. Connect about their interests and passions and have no more than weekly conversations about potential challenges academically and how they are navigating them. A loving and understanding support system can work wonders in boosting a struggling student's confidence. In sum, boosting academic confidence in kids who struggle academically requires patience, understanding, and a positive approach. It can also require parents to work on shifting their ideas around school, success, and capability. The more I have worked with individual clients who have academic struggles, the more I have realized that our educational systems are inherently flawed and ableist in nature. If we can share this with our children, they can begin to see potential issues they are having as a product of their learning style with their environment rather than their internal flaws (like being “stupid” or “lazy”). If we can avoid our children internalizing their challenges, they are much more likely to find their path to success!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
As much as summer has certainly gone by too quickly for most of us, school is coming up on us fast, and we definitely need to be ready for this transition! Especially for children who are prone to anxiety or separation issues. For them, the return to school can be particularly daunting, especially due to so many unknowns at the beginning of a school year.
Will I have friends in my class(es)? Will I make new friends? Will I like my teacher(s)? As parents, we can support our children and their likely overwhelming emotions in this transition. Hopefully, we can even help them gain confidence in their ability to overcome challenges (aka build resilience and grit)! In this blog, I want to share some practical tips to empower your child and promote a positive back-to-school experience. 1. Start with Open Communication I am always a big fan of communicating and approaching challenges with curiosity in families. The return to school is no different. We need to encourage our children to share their thoughts, feelings, and potential fears about the return to school and listen without any judgment or suggestions. You can reassure them that nervousness and anxiety are common with this time period, that you believe in their ability to handle this challenge, and that you will support them as much as possible. 2. Re-establish Routines Gradually As I mentioned in my general back-to-school blog last week, it is important to begin preparing for the return to school in advance. For a more anxious child, I would recommend beginning this process about two weeks prior to the school year. This will help minimize the shock of the adjustment back to school. 3. Focus on the Positive Aspects While we don’t ever want to ignore or breeze by our child’s concerns, we do want to present them with a balanced perspective of the upcoming school year. Make sure to share your own ideas about what might be enjoyable or even share your observation of the past years when your child has been able to overcome their fears to have a good time. If you can, elicit your child to share their own ideas about positive things that they hope for in the upcoming school year. 4. Teach Coping Strategies We want to equip our children with as many tools as we can to help them through tough situations. Teaching them deep breathing, visualization strategies, and affirmations or mantras can help them cope with stressful situations. Make sure to practice these ahead of time so that they are well known to your child and they feel able to use them in a difficult moment. Keep in mind that coping strategies can be very helpful, but are not going to totally solve any problem that we have. 5. Set Clear Expectations With more anxious children, it can be tempting to let things be more unclear. Such as, of course I can pick you up early, but only if you are having a hard time. Or, I am just a phone call away, but please don’t call. You get the idea, I’m sure. What we want to do for our more anxious children is let them know that we believe they are capable of staying the whole day at school and that at the end of the first week, we will celebrate them in some way. Then, make sure not to give in too easily if they begin asking to come home early. When we do that quickly, we do not give them the chance to persevere through a hard moment to realize they can do hard things. So, set clear expectations for your child ahead of time of what to expect and try not to accommodate their fears and anxiety by changing your behavior. 6. Set them up for Success This might look different for different children. For some, you might set up a lot of play dates with friends and classmates ahead of time. For others, you might need to communicate with the school and their teacher ahead of time to let them know that your child might need more support in the transition. Many more anxious children will need both of these strategies, so make sure to put them in place for them to feel supported. Plus, make sure to let them know that they can always talk to you about their feelings and the challenges they face at school. Again, listen with curiosity and avoid judgment or jumping in to rescue them, as that just gives the message that they truly can’t handle it. Back to school can be a tough transition for all children but particularly for more anxious children. With these tips and strategies, you will be able to support your child effectively and hopefully smooth the transition. If you or your child needs more support, please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at Thrive!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Welcome to our final blog in this series! In this blog series, we discussed what it means to be an over-functioning parent, the impact on your children, and how to work to correct this dynamic. What I plan to discuss today is possibly the most important, how to manage your feelings in this whole process.
As mentioned previously, parents are not engaging in this pattern of doing too much for their kids because they want to teach the kids that they are incapable. They want their children to be capable, often desperately, but generally fear the potential negative consequences of failure for their children or even themself. Parents might also sometimes believe it is their job or responsibility to do so much for their kids. So it makes perfect sense that this is an emotional situation for the parents and the kids. As parents, we often manage our fears about our child’s uncertain future by doing things for them and making sure they are “on top of it.” Children can come to rely on others doing things for them and engage more passively with life to avoid challenges. So, how can you manage your feelings while you engage in this process of reducing over-involvement as a parent? Again, this is not an easy task, but it is imperative in terms of helping your child and yourself.
Keep in mind that we are parenting in a time that is just wild. The expectations of us and our children are astronomically high and honestly, most of us will do some things well and others poorly. That is okay. The more we have realistic expectations for ourselves and our kids, the more they can have more realistic expectations of themselves and their lives as well. While it can be hard to manage our emotional reactions to shifting our involvement with our kids, it is also often hard for our children initially. They usually become upset, possibly anxious, dysregulated, or say all kinds of things such as “Why aren’t you helping me? Don’t you love me?” For a parent, this is challenging as it often indicates that their child is not ready for the task. Usually, this is actually not the case; it is just their reaction to change and an expression of their own fear, frustration, or panic. It is crucial for a parent to not only manage their fears internally about changing patterns but to believe in the plan of change so much that they can manage their response effectively to their child’s upset and possible outbursts. The best way to do this is by using the information shared in the second blog in this series. We need to communicate to our children that we believe in them and their ability to overcome the challenges in their way. Remind them that we are here to help, but only after they try themselves and if they truly need it. Practice the following phrases to use in these times when you or your child are distressed:
I hope you enjoyed this blog series and digging a bit deeper into the patterns around over-functioning. If you are a parent identifying with this pattern, please know there is no judgment here. I know it comes from a place of care, love for your child, and desire for them to be okay. It’s a beautiful expression of love, though it is unhelpful. I believe you can learn to respond differently to your child and that they can handle everything in their way! If you need further support around these kinds of parenting shifts or your child’s challenges, please do not hesitate to reach out to us at Thrive! We are here to help!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You don’t want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
I’ve been thinking about the idea of “over-functioning” often recently as it is a huge topic in my office and many of the therapist and mom podcasts I listen to. I have been mulling over the dynamic of over-functioning and how this impacts children, particularly when a parent is an over-functioner.
First, what is an over-functioner? Someone who falls into this pattern will likely feel that they need to do everything all the time for everyone around. This feeling usually results from how they have learned to cope with anxiety and naturally deal with anxiety, stress, or overwhelming situation by taking action rather than falling apart. Similar to perfectionism or being a high performer, which has traits often associated with over-functioners, this is not all negative by any means. There are significant strengths to over-functioning, perfectionism, and high performance. There are also significant challenges and a huge cost to the person living at an unsustainable pace all the time, which is often burnout. People who are over-functioning often take on more than they should of the responsibilities around them, at work and home. This can lead others to feel less capable in comparison. They might think, “Since I can’t even do half as much as they can, I must not be as good or capable as they are.” Unfortunately, the conclusion is often that they will never be able to do things as well as the other person and stop trying. This conclusion is clearly frustrating for the person who has more things on their plate, but they have a role to play here too. Often, if the other person tries to help with something but does not do it as well or the same as the person who is in the role of over-functioning, someone may criticize. This assumption becomes a negative feedback loop for the other person and for the over-functioner, where both people end up feeling that one of them is more capable than the other. Just imagine the impact on a work team or in a marriage. Unfortunately, this pattern has a similar impact on children. If a parent is always stepping in for a child and doing things for them, even if they can do it themselves, it will give that child the message that they are less capable. Sometimes, it leads to a feeling that they are less competent and incapable, especially for kids who are aware of their parent’s efforts and how much they do for them. In my office, this has sounded like the following:
If some of these phrases resonate with you, you might have taken on an over-functioning role in your family. Since we all want to raise children who are capable and independent, that might be hard to recognize as, unfortunately, your best intentions are getting in the way of your child’s development. The good news is that you can work through all of this! I won’t even begin to say that this will be easy because these dynamics are often rooted in deep feelings about a parents’ role, fears about a child’s ability to “make it,” and confusion related to what parents are responsible for. While it is not easy, it is well worth trying to shift this dynamic to help your child. Read on next week to learn more about how to adjust this dynamic in your family!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Parents of young children are probably so familiar with the advice that they should play with their kids. We call it quality time, special time, playtime, etc. Often it probably just feels like one more thing we need to do in addition to all the other demands on modern parents, which is genuinely hard to feel motivated about.
I get it! Just the other day, I was inside cleaning up while my partner and son were outside playing with their new water toys having a pretty epic water fight. In fact, my decision to join their fun (because, well, why not?) led to this very blog post. You see, while I really didn’t “feel like it,” I did go and join my family. And honestly, I got drenched but had the best time laughing and just playing with them. It reminded me of how much I love playing with my son and laughing together as a family. In this age of being so busy and over-scheduled all the time, I believe these are the moments we need and help fuel us for the tougher ones we all have. Interestingly, I find that even parents who enjoyed playing with their kids when they were younger forget that this is an activity that can truly endure the test of time. Just because you have a pre-teen or a teen, or even a college kid, does not mean they are too old to play. More so, just because you are an adult does not mean you are too old to play - or even too old to benefit from it! You see, while many of us understand that play is the language of learning for young children, we forget that creativity and play are essential to people in general. Play is a great outlet, coping strategy, and genuine food for anyone’s soul. I find that adults are often so serious about everything, and we get so caught up in our seriousness that we forget the joy and in-the-moment energy that comes from play. As summer gets going, I would encourage you to take advantage of the summer weather and potential extra free time (I know, I know, it is not always a given, but often we have a little more flexibility in summer) and spend some time PLAYING with your kids. Here are FIVE ideas that might help you get started - even if your kid is a teen or young adult!
I truly hope you take the time to try this out with your kids, or heck, even alone or with a friend or partner today! We all could use more joy and moments where we just laugh for no reason at all. Play can help get us there :) Take it from me; a play therapist turned water-play-loving parent! If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You don’t want to miss it! At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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