Thrive Therapy Blog

10 Fun End-of-Summer-Activities for Families

8/3/2023

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

As summer winds down, I wanted to share some ideas for embracing and enjoying the last days of summer fully. Particularly as the back-to-school season is so busy for families, I thought it would be nice to set some bucket list goals for these next few weeks! The more we focus on enjoying the present moments with our kids, the more we can soak up the enjoyable memories of this time, and then hopefully, this can help ease our eventual transition into school and Fall!

Picnic at the Park - Gather your family and head to a nearby park for a fun end-of-summer picnic. Pack a basket with tasty sandwiches, refreshing fruits, and some sweet treats. Enjoy the last warm weather days by playing outdoor games, flying kites, or simply enjoying the sun.
Beach Bonanza - If you're fortunate enough to live near the coast, plan a beach day filled with beachcombing, sandcastle building, and frolicking in the waves. Don't forget to bring beach toys and sunscreen!
Backyard Camping Adventure - Create a mini-camping experience in your backyard for an exciting and memorable night under the stars. Pitch a tent, tell campfire stories, roast marshmallows, and enjoy the magic of the great outdoors right in your own backyard.
Nature Scavenger Hunt - Organize a family scavenger hunt in a local park or nature reserve. Prepare a list of items to find or challenges to complete, such as spotting different birds, identifying specific flowers, or finding certain landmarks. This activity encourages exploration and sparks curiosity about the world around us.
Movie Night - Transform your living room or backyard into a cozy movie theater and have a family movie night. Pick your family's favorite films or opt for a new release, and don't forget the popcorn and comfy blankets for an unforgettable movie marathon.
Ice Cream Social - Host an ice cream social right at home with a variety of ice cream flavors, toppings, and sauces. Let each family member create their dream ice cream sundae and enjoy this delicious treat together.
End of Summer BBQ - Gather friends and family for a festive end-of-summer BBQ. Fire up the grill, play some music, and enjoy delicious food and laughter as you celebrate the memories made throughout the summer.
Memory Scrapbooking - Encourage creativity and reflection by crafting an end-of-summer scrapbook as a family. Print out photos, collect mementos, and jot down special memories from the summer adventures. This activity serves as a beautiful keepsake to cherish for years to come.
Visit Local Attractions - Explore local museums, amusement parks, or other attractions that you might not have had the chance to visit during the summer. Take advantage of end-of-season discounts or special offers to make the most of your family outing. Our favorite as a family is the Legoland Waterpark!
Family Game Night - Unplug from technology and enjoy a good old-fashioned family game night. Gather a selection of board games, card games, or even puzzles, and engage in friendly competition and laughter together.

As the summer season winds down, there are countless ways for families to celebrate and make the most of these precious moments together. Whether you choose to indulge in outdoor adventures, relish in sweet treats, or simply enjoy each other's company, these end-of-summer activities will create cherished memories that your family will treasure for years to come. Keep in mind that you don’t need to do all of them, but picking a few with your kids will certainly leave you enjoying your time together rather than dreading the transition to come! Happy end-of-summer adventures!

If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

Part #3: Blog Series on Over-Functioning Parents: Managing the Emotional Impact

7/27/2023

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Welcome to our final blog in this series! In this blog series, we discussed what it means to be an over-functioning parent, the impact on your children, and how to work to correct this dynamic. What I plan to discuss today is possibly the most important, how to manage your feelings in this whole process.

As mentioned previously, parents are not engaging in this pattern of doing too much for their kids because they want to teach the kids that they are incapable. They want their children to be capable, often desperately, but generally fear the potential negative consequences of failure for their children or even themself. Parents might also sometimes believe it is their job or responsibility to do so much for their kids. So it makes perfect sense that this is an emotional situation for the parents and the kids. As parents, we often manage our fears about our child’s uncertain future by doing things for them and making sure they are “on top of it.” Children can come to rely on others doing things for them and engage more passively with life to avoid challenges.

So, how can you manage your feelings while you engage in this process of reducing over-involvement as a parent? Again, this is not an easy task, but it is imperative in terms of helping your child and yourself.

Shift your parenting mindset to expect bumps along the way. Parents will tell me that they want their child to be ready to take things on before they take them on and that they will know their child can handle it independently. This thought is almost like the parents want their child to be able to drive before the child learns how to drive. Unfortunately, it is impossible to be entirely ready for most of life. And learning involves challenges, which is good because the challenges are emotionally and logistically the biggest teacher.
Take time to practice thinking of challenges and failures as a good thing. If you are terrified that your child’s failure to bring homework to school in 7th grade will mean a lifetime of irresponsibility, this one is for you. We need to adjust our expectations of our children and our ideas about failure, including falling down as a part of learning. Challenges are helpful in terms of building feelings of capability. Failure helps us learn and adjust so that we might succeed in the future. We need both to become successful!
The earlier in life you start giving your kids more independence, the better. It is never too late to start this process, either! You can also take it just one step at a time and pull back in some areas rather than everything at once. It is okay to move through this process more slowly to give you and your child time to adjust if needed.
Additionally, parents benefit from asking themselves, why am I worried about this? How will this reflect on me or my child if the resolution to this situation is not how I want it to be? Am I afraid of a negative outcome for them, a negative perception of me and my parenting, or perhaps my child’s reaction? Once you better understand your fear and why you are involving yourself more than you need to, you can start working through your emotions and fears about those situations.

Keep in mind that we are parenting in a time that is just wild. The expectations of us and our children are astronomically high and honestly, most of us will do some things well and others poorly. That is okay. The more we have realistic expectations for ourselves and our kids, the more they can have more realistic expectations of themselves and their lives as well.

While it can be hard to manage our emotional reactions to shifting our involvement with our kids, it is also often hard for our children initially. They usually become upset, possibly anxious, dysregulated, or say all kinds of things such as “Why aren’t you helping me? Don’t you love me?” For a parent, this is challenging as it often indicates that their child is not ready for the task. Usually, this is actually not the case; it is just their reaction to change and an expression of their own fear, frustration, or panic.

It is crucial for a parent to not only manage their fears internally about changing patterns but to believe in the plan of change so much that they can manage their response effectively to their child’s upset and possible outbursts.

The best way to do this is by using the information shared in the second blog in this series. We need to communicate to our children that we believe in them and their ability to overcome the challenges in their way. Remind them that we are here to help, but only after they try themselves and if they truly need it.

Practice the following phrases to use in these times when you or your child are distressed:

I believe in you.
You can figure this out; if not today, then sometime, and that is okay.
My part is to pull back, and their job is to then figure this out. They can’t do that if I get involved again.
It is okay to struggle, fail, and make mistakes. That is a part of learning and of life.
We can do hard things. My hard thing today is not helping despite my child being upset about that.
I can prioritize long-term learning over short-term support.

I hope you enjoyed this blog series and digging a bit deeper into the patterns around over-functioning. If you are a parent identifying with this pattern, please know there is no judgment here. I know it comes from a place of care, love for your child, and desire for them to be okay. It’s a beautiful expression of love, though it is unhelpful. I believe you can learn to respond differently to your child and that they can handle everything in their way! If you need further support around these kinds of parenting shifts or your child’s challenges, please do not hesitate to reach out to us at Thrive! We are here to help!

If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You don’t want to miss it!

The Gift of Play

7/6/2023

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Parents of young children are probably so familiar with the advice that they should play with their kids. We call it quality time, special time, playtime, etc. Often it probably just feels like one more thing we need to do in addition to all the other demands on modern parents, which is genuinely hard to feel motivated about.

I get it! Just the other day, I was inside cleaning up while my partner and son were outside playing with their new water toys having a pretty epic water fight. In fact, my decision to join their fun (because, well, why not?) led to this very blog post. You see, while I really didn’t “feel like it,” I did go and join my family. And honestly, I got drenched but had the best time laughing and just playing with them. It reminded me of how much I love playing with my son and laughing together as a family. In this age of being so busy and over-scheduled all the time, I believe these are the moments we need and help fuel us for the tougher ones we all have.

Interestingly, I find that even parents who enjoyed playing with their kids when they were younger forget that this is an activity that can truly endure the test of time. Just because you have a pre-teen or a teen, or even a college kid, does not mean they are too old to play. More so, just because you are an adult does not mean you are too old to play - or even too old to benefit from it!

You see, while many of us understand that play is the language of learning for young children, we forget that creativity and play are essential to people in general. Play is a great outlet, coping strategy, and genuine food for anyone’s soul. I find that adults are often so serious about everything, and we get so caught up in our seriousness that we forget the joy and in-the-moment energy that comes from play.

As summer gets going, I would encourage you to take advantage of the summer weather and potential extra free time (I know, I know, it is not always a given, but often we have a little more flexibility in summer) and spend some time PLAYING with your kids.

Here are FIVE ideas that might help you get started - even if your kid is a teen or young adult!

Water Play - Water is one of the most versatile things to play with. You could play in a pool, with a sprinkler, with a hose, or even just simple water shooters and have the best time. Kids of any age will love this!
Beach Games - If you are lucky enough to live near a beach, as we do here in San Diego, pick up some extra beach games or toys the next time you go to the beach. Kids of all ages love this as well, and it is fairly easy once you get over being serious or not getting wet, embarrassed, or sandy.
Park (or Playground) - Another one that can be great for all ages; grab a ball of some sort, or even a new game set like Bocce Ball, and head to the park! If you have a younger kid, head to the playground and don’t be afraid to play with them too. Kids love it when you join them, especially when they are old enough to do it all themself!
Structured Games - This could be a board game, card game, or even a game your child or teen makes up. Head to your local store and see what kinds of new games they have to try and try one out! If you are not the most playful of people, this could help you get started in connecting with your family in this way!
New Activity Together - When I added this one, I thought about trying something together as a family. It could be something like rock climbing, hiking, or roller skating, but it could also just be something silly and fun at home like playing The Floor Is Lava or having a dance party. The goal is to do something playful and a bit silly. Honestly, if you are willing to laugh and be goofy, anything can be play!

I truly hope you take the time to try this out with your kids, or heck, even alone or with a friend or partner today! We all could use more joy and moments where we just laugh for no reason at all. Play can help get us there :) Take it from me; a play therapist turned water-play-loving parent!

If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You don’t want to miss it!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

#5: Approach with Curiosity & Positive Intent

5/18/2023

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

So often, as a parent, I will notice myself making assumptions about my son's behavior. For example, he likes to sneak little toys or Pokemon cards to school, which his kindergarten teacher is not a big fan of (big surprise!). At times, it is easy to slip into a relatively negative and presumptuous thinking pattern like, “He just doesn’t care if he gets into trouble.” Or “He is never going to follow the rules.” And even further like, “What will happen to him if he can’t respect authority!”

While this thought process is perfectly understandable, it is pretty unfair when it comes to our children and their motivations for doing things. I find it similar to when parents say something like, “They just want to scream,” or “They are just lazy.”

What I tell them, and myself, when this pattern presents itself in my thinking, is this: All people are trying their best. Kids want to be “good,” and if they are showing different behavior, there is a reason.

I recognize how hard it is to think this way. Most of us were conditioned in our childhoods to assume that if someone isn't doing whatever it is you think they should be doing, they are doing so intentionally. However, while people may have intentions to do certain things, often the true reasons for our behavior are unconscious. Without that level of self-awareness, we are all just sort of blundering around, acting in ways that have roots in patterns we are not even aware of. My focus as a therapist is to bring those reasons to consciousness so a person can truly make choices and be more intentional about their lives and parenting.

Because I am aware of this pattern, I generally approach people differently. I approach them with curiosity and assume positive intentions. I also try to focus on this as a therapist and parent consultant, I also try to focus on this in my own life with myself and others through self-compassion (check out last week’s post here for more details about this!). And guess what? This is also a particularly helpful reminder that I try to incorporate into my parenting mindset daily.

Remembering to approach people with curiosity and positive intent helps me to remember that my son wants things to go well. He wants his life to work out, just like I do. When I shift my role from less of a director, needing to dictate every area of his life, to a curious participant and guide (when allowed), it helps me remember that we are on the same team, his team. I can ask curious questions, assume that he is trying his best, and check in with him by asking questions that are using these principles such as:

What did you think was going to happen?
What outcome were you hoping for?
How did you feel about what happened?
How do you think your choice impacted others around you?
Is that what you hoped for?

Often, when we can have a dialogue like this, my goal is to lead him towards more prosocial, compassionate outcomes for him and others. However, I am trying hard not to lecture or put those values on him directly but helping him come to those conclusions himself. It is very similar to how I approach my clients in therapy.

To be clear, though, if my son’s behavior crosses a line, I am, of course, stepping in with limits and sometimes consequences. So while this approach may seem “soft” to some who expect all consequences and a little conversation, it is more effective because it helps children come to their own conclusions about their actions and what they want. It helps bring their feelings to consciousness and, hopefully, avoids years of patterns that can be particularly unhelpful.

Here is a real-world example of how this plays out for my family with the Pokemon card example again. When this comes up, as it so often does, instead of going into the more unhelpful narratives about my son’s choices that I described earlier in this post, I work to remember that there is a reason for his choices. I first connect with him and ask curious questions. Such as, “What do you like about bringing them to school?” and “What makes it hard to stop bringing them?” or “Are you worried about getting into trouble or the teacher’s reactions?”

I hope these questions will help him reflect on his choices and develop more of an internal guideline for how he wants to handle it moving forward. Since my son is five, though, I will keep my expectations in check because what I get from him is often a discussion about how he really should be able to bring them to school. He is particularly strong-willed, as I have mentioned a few times before!

So I remind myself that I am planting seeds that will hopefully grow in the future. And then I give my son the limit that since his teacher has asked for kids to stop bringing the cards to school, if he sneaks them and we find out, he will no longer be able to play with them at home. I also offer that when we have play dates with other friends, he is welcome to trade with them (as a big part of what we have learned from asking curious questions is that trading is a very social activity for the kindergarten boys at our school.) So, while he is unhappy about the outcome, my goal is to help him feel connected, understood, and cared for while also having the opportunity to reflect on his choices. I accomplish this by connecting with curiosity and asking questions rather than making assumptions. Since he is developmentally unable to make the prosocial choice, we set limits to help him with that and guide him in the direction that benefits his community and him in the end.

Remember that in parenting, just like in the rest of life, it is rarely a simple approach that works best (kindness or consequences) but a blend of the two. This parenting tip is all about how we approach our thinking and, hopefully, our conversations in situations that require kindness and often consequences.

Keep reading next week for Tip #6 - Allow your child to solve their problems!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

#2: Spending Quality Time Daily

4/27/2023

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Parenting Tip #2: Spend quality time with them daily (no phones or devices allowed)

In our fast-paced world and parenting culture, cultivating quality time in our families and with our children is more important than ever. While this is the most common parenting recommendation we give parents, often referred to as Special Time, it is worth sharing again because I believe it might also be the least implemented in families. No judgment here at all. The reason for this is very simple, we are incredibly busy, and it is very hard for adults to “play” or join their kids in play when their minds are racing with the to-do lists from all the things. You know, the summer camp sign-ups, the birthday parties, the lessons, sports, classes, the developmental stages, the homework. ALL. THE. THINGS.

It is enough to make our heads spin and surprise, when our heads are spinning, it is hard to sit in one place and play! As a child therapist, this is actually one of the reasons why I stopped taking on new children clients and prefer to work with adults. You see, I have a 5-year-old at home, plus I run a business and see my own clients. And yes, I do also have a household to manage and am responsible for a lot. In the interest of taking my own advice and spending quality time with my son, I just can’t spend that energy and focus at work.

While it might sound silly, playing with kids in a focused way does take a lot of focus and energy at first. Anyone who loves working with children can tell you that while it is one of the most amazing ways to spend your professional life, it can also be tiring and challenging to get used to. You see, you have to put aside the bills, the to-do lists, and all the ADULT things in your head and immerse yourself fully in your child’s world.

While this is tough for many adults, the secret is that it is a gift that keeps giving. Spending quality time playing with your kids, one on one, with no phones or devices invited to the party, will not only benefit your relationship with your child, their self-esteem and sense of self, but also will benefit you as the parent. You see, play can be another form of mindfulness if you are able to truly put aside all the aforementioned things. Just as you can take mindful walks and eat mindfully, you can play mindfully. While I’m not going to go into the details of all the reasons why mindfulness is important, a good comparison would be that mindfulness is to adult therapy clients as the quality time recommendation is to child therapy clients. They both have benefits that are immeasurable and important. And good news, with practice, you can do both at the same time! Pretty cool, huh?

Even cooler is the fact that while it can be hard to lean into quality time and embrace it as an adult, it is a pretty easy intervention otherwise, as your children will be more than happy to have you join their play. Finally, parenting recommendations that your child actually will enjoy ;)

Here are the basics of implementing Mindful Play/Special Time/Quality Time (whatever you want to call it!):

Tell your child about your special time to play with them, give it a name, and make a plan as to when you can do it together
Give it a time frame (15-20 minutes is a good place to start)
Tell them you will be playing with them without interruptions and set a timer
Let them know that while playing with them in this way, they are the boss and make the rules about play. Set boundaries around safety and harm, but otherwise, the goal is to join their play and have them lead it.

And that’s it! I know it seems surprising to have so many benefits and positive results from a relatively simple intervention. Perhaps it helps to consider how it feels when you have a close friend, loved one, partner, or therapist truly listen to your story about your day or a challenge you are having. Perhaps it is about child care, work challenges, parenting, friends, or family challenges. Just remember how nice it can feel to be truly seen and heard when someone listens and focuses on you without judgment or advice. This feeling is what you give to your children when you join their play and give them your full attention. And that feeling is why it helps so much more than just during those 15-20 minutes a day. I hope you try this out!

Read on next week for Parenting Tip #3: Everything is Temporary.

Surprising Benefits of Embracing Challenges

4/6/2023

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

The Surprising Benefits of Embracing Challenges ~ Why a therapist takes cold showers?

What you also might be wondering is, why on earth am I writing about this? Trust me, it applies to more than just my personal shower habits :)

Apparently, cold showers are all the rage in the athletic/physical recovery space these days, and believe me, the athletic and the therapeutic spaces are often quite different. So, it was interesting to me when these worlds seemed to combine.

I was introduced to the idea of cold showers years ago, for boosting immunity from a friend. I didn’t really think much about this as I was newly 25 and, well, didn’t feel this was entirely necessary. Now, at the age of 41, I will do almost anything to help my body recover and heal from the random and chronic injuries I get. Because of this and my husband’s interest in all things related to health and wellness, I now have tried and routinely use cryotherapy, infrared sauna, and daily cold showers.

While I started doing these things to try and help my body feel better as I have somewhat chronic back and knee pain, plus frequent headaches, the results have been much more interesting than I expected.

What I have found is that, for me, there is something extremely liberating about choosing discomfort and trying to enjoy it.

Interestingly, I have never been one to enjoy any kind of discomfort. As a kid, I was very sensitive to textures (among other things), and I am still pretty sensitive to my internal experiences, physical or emotional, and at times those same external experiences (noise, lights, textures). So, it is quite surprising to those who know me that I am choosing to do something that is clearly uncomfortable.

Honestly, that has been the best part. It reminds me of how I can choose to do hard things and get through them. It reminds me of my strength, grit, and perseverance. In five minutes a day, I get to boost my mood and confidence that all situations are temporary. Plus, I listen to some of my favorite songs while I listen and try to entertain myself by singing along. It’s become my own personal “pregame pump-up song.”

Even more interesting, is that this practice has actually helped inform my work and even found its way into my clinical recommendations. Because, not only does choosing something uncomfortable help boost your confidence, but it can also help you manage anxiety and can boost your mood. I am a therapist who tends to avoid “quick fix” ideas for my clients, but this one actually seems remarkably helpful in learning to tolerate discomfort. Since avoidance of discomfort is the root of many challenges that make their way into my office, it has been a serendipitous experience.

So, while you may prefer to challenge yourself in other ways, I would recommend that you do choose challenging things as often as possible. Just to help you learn that it will be okay and that you are tougher than you think. Perhaps you will choose to do something else uncomfortable, such as learning a new activity, taking a dance class, public speaking, or talking more to other parents at school drop-off.

Whatever it is, try to remember that it is amazing that you are choosing to do something you would rather avoid. Similar to how I define bravery, as facing a fear (rather than the absence of fear), I would define choosing uncomfortable situations as a sign that you are a tough, resilient, capable person who can more than handle the things your life might throw at you other times.

First Blog of 2023

3/23/2023

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

First blog of 2023… and yes, I know it’s March ;)

I think it has been over a year since I last wrote a blog or any content for Thrive. Honestly, I typically love writing for our website and social media accounts. While a part of me has missed using this avenue to share information and thoughts with the world, part of me has been hiding.

Hiding from the fact that the world feels so discouraging and difficult at times.

Hiding from the fact that my schedule has become so busy that I have not had time to find the “most beautiful, perfect, nice framing” for the situations many of us are navigating.

Hiding from the fact that sometimes, I don’t know what I am doing either.

You see, the past year has been incredibly difficult for our world in a myriad of ways that it has been overwhelming to sit down and really sit with that reality in order to put together my thoughts, let alone my words. Additionally, with the growth of our practice, return to in-person sessions, and my own family’s challenges at times, it has been a lot to juggle logistically, let alone emotionally.

However, recently, I have begun to cast away the ideals that I should have suggestions for people who are grappling with humanity and the terrible things we do to each other. And I have recognized that I do have things to share and my part to play in helping to make the world better.

For those of you who know me, this is through my individual work with clients and parents but also, from time to time, in what I try to share with the general public in my content. So, here we are. Back to writing again. A bit rusty and clunky, but I feel that I need to show up however I am so that I can continue that purpose.

Because though the parenting game is rigged, I believe we can make it a bit less anxiety provoking - not just for ourselves but for our kids.

Kids and teens are struggling these days. They need us all to show up and put in some work to shift this parenting culture towards a better, more sustainable path.

So anyways, I am back. It’s officially 2023, and while we are a few months in, I still wanted to share my word of intention for the year. Some of you may remember that I set a word each year in reflection on the past year and what I believe might help me weather the storms of the coming year. With all of the challenges of our world and the weight many of us are carrying witnessing tragedy after tragedy, I thought JOY would be a good intention. I could certainly use more joy in my life, and I am going to work to cultivate it. So far, this has sometimes been in letting myself lose myself in playing with my son again, and other times it has been through dancing to my old-school beats.

I know it is late to share all of this, but really, who cares? Similar to what I encourage my clients to do, I am practicing what I preach and showing up as I am, very imperfectly so. You see, it is okay if we miss a day, a week, a month, or even a year in something that is important to us. What really matters is getting back into it. I will do my best to stop hiding and show up through writing again. Not just for you, dear reader, but for me too.

Setting an Intention for 2022 - Are we sure? Do we dare?

1/6/2022

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

So, my title is a bit in jest but also a reflection of the turbulent times we are in yet again as we start 2022. Honestly, it has been a whirlwind of a start for our family in 2022. We had a Covid scare that really shook me up and while everyone is okay (and testing negative), the steep rise in cases feels reminiscent of 2020 for me. It feels strange to just continue with life and making plans but it also would feel strange not to make plans for this year as I am also tired of just getting by!

So here I am, writing my annual blog about setting an intention for this year, wondering if it is a good idea at all since everything feels so uncertain yet again. Obviously, since I am still writing, I think it is a good idea but I also understand if anyone wants to take this year off from planning. I mean, we are all exhausted from plans, canceled plans, dashed hopes, and the struggle of managing our lives in light of a pandemic that seems to upend everything just when you get comfortable. So, dear reader, you have my full permission to just stop reading and stop planning and to cautiously enter into this year with the hopes that we make it through as unscathed as possible.

For those of you who want to set an intention, I fully encourage you to consider going easy with your plans. As I said last year, we need pandemic goals, not normal goals! I believe that it is important to counteract hustle and grind culture with some ease and grace. This is why last year, I set the intention of Grace. Interestingly, I had almost forgotten that but when I reflect on the year, I feel I held grace to just get through and to rest, read, recharge, and recover as much as I could. Now, I feel ready for something else but if you have not yet been able to rest, recharge, process, recover, etc. please consider setting your goals around this!

My word this year is “Queen.” While that might sound super bold and ambitious, the meaning is slightly different for me. You see, my name, Erica, actually means Queen (or at least I was told that by all the things I read as a kid and now it seems to refer to “Eternal Ruler” from all my google searching). I still remember how awful I felt about the idea of being a ruler or queen. See, I’ve always played kind of small and thought of myself as wanting to be small, unnoticeable, and not a Queen but something dainty like a princess. For some reason, even as a child, the word Queen was something that scared me and the power of it was not something I wanted to claim. Now I understand that this is likely due to systemic factors like misogyny and patriarchy but also my personality and being more of a people pleasing person.

As I’ve aged (gracefully I hope), I have realized that my fear of my own strength, power, and abilities has only hindered me both personally and professionally. My self-doubt and humble nature at times make me a better mom, wife, therapist, leader but also at times also means that I am not clear in my expectations and communicating them. It can mean that I do not lead with the confidence I would like to or that I play small in terms of my goals and ideas. It can mean that I avoid taking up space, having hard conversations that need to happen, or asserting myself and my vision.

My goal of setting my word as “Queen” is to embrace my inner leader, my confidence, my self-assuredness, and to really work towards going BIG. Last year, I worked hard to keep my life slowed down and to not take on too much and now I am feeling ready to really challenge myself to lean in and embrace my inner queen and power.

Professionally, we are expanding our office space (even though we are still telehealth) and this is something that I want to stop doubting and to just own the choice and the risk. I tend to only do things that I fully believe in and I want to communicate in a more bold way to others around me rather than expressing all my doubts. I want to embrace my role as a boss mom and a leader and to embrace my belief in my ability to lead. I want to play big and stop trying to be small. That is what the word and intention of “Queen” means to me.

One of the things I engaged in during 2020 and 2021 was a deeper dive into reflecting on our society and why I, like so many women, play small, try to be small (literally in my physical body and in life), and avoid owning our power. The books, Untamed by Glennon Doyle, The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor, and Burnout by Amelia Nagoski and Emily Nagoski were the foundation of my interest and ability to work to claim my power and confidence. I can’t recommend them enough and would encourage you to check them out if anything I am saying resonates with you as well :)

So here we are starting 2022. I am going to bravely hope that I am setting a bold enough intention to challenge me and help me grow this year and that I can go easy on myself when I need it. You see, I try hard to use the lessons of each year’s intention that I have set so that I can use them all. I will be going into 2022 with the themes of Balance, Strength, Faith, Gratitude, Abundance, Nurture, Enough, Grace, and Queen.

If you would like to read more about my blog posts about setting intentions - check them out below!

2021 Blog Post (My word is not included, this is a reflection of trying to ease into 2021)

2020 Blog Post - Nurture

2019 Blog Post - Enough

2018 Blog Post - Abundance

2017 Blog Post - Gratitude

3 Questions to Help You Choose an Intention

Realistic goals for 2021, aka “Year TWO of Pandemic Life”

2/2/2021

So we are one month into 2021 and I think it’s safe to say that we need to gauge our expectations of ourselves accordingly… While it would be easy to get overzealous and set a bunch of goals for this year, maybe that’s not the best plan forward. Of course we want to make plans that help us achieve our goals as well as bring back some semblance of normalcy to our lives but, I hate to say it, we are still in a pandemic.

I repeat...we are still in a pandemic and honestly, many of us are still very impacted by the events of the past year because they have not stopped… Kids are still home, virtual learning and working is still the plan, many of us are not vaccinated or seeing our social networks, and most of us are still desperately stressed, lonely, restless, etc. This means that we are likely not our best selves and I would advocate that any goals need to be ones that help you manage stress and take care of yourself better. Not to get things back to normal necessarily because that is just not possible right now. Even though we all still crave that path.

Let’s start a bit smaller with some achievable goals first as we ease into the year. Maybe it is taking 5-10 minutes to meditate, walk, do yoga, read a book for fun, watch a show, laugh with your kids and forget about online learning. It could just be making an effort to be kinder to yourself and your family. Letting things go a bit more so that it feels less stressful. Whatever it is, let’s not overwhelm ourselves and overextend ourselves… That would just be overwhelming and disappointing when we come to the inevitable conclusion that we really can’t take on much still. While that is frustrating for so many of us, it can also be liberating to just focus on what we can control.

So, while it is perfectly understandable to want to set goals in 2021 like it is any other year, it's not. And something to watch out for is that even if things with the pandemic improve - we might still struggle for a bit. Keep in mind that everything we have been feeling is cumulative and when we are out of this crisis, there is likely going to be a surge of feelings about the situation we just endured. The best thing is to set goals to help you endure as best you can and then remember that we will need to process what we just experienced collectively and individually later.

5 Self Care Practices I Do Daily That are Quick and Free!

12/11/2020

Many people think that therapists are somehow immune from struggling in the way everyone else does. I am pretty honest about this being entirely untrue - as any of you who regularly read my blog or follow me on social media would know! All of us could use a little bit of self-care so I thought I would share my favorite things that I do consistently, pretty much daily, in order to help keep myself as mentally okay as I can be… particularly as a therapist during a pandemic!

I do want to just say that please, please keep in mind that self-care is not a cure all strategy. I have a healthy dose of skepticism about the “wellness industry” and how much they are pushing us all to spend on ourselves in the interests of self-care. They almost seem to be trying to sell the idea that if you engage in “this activity,” you will never feel pain again. While I definitely accept the fact that some level of struggle is just a part of being human, I do try to find ways to lessen the struggle when possible. So while engaging in self-care is not a cure all strategy to never struggle again, it can be helpful to keep yourself hanging in there… which is all many of us can do in this wild 2020 ride.

I also want to acknowledge that for many people, expensive self-care items or subscription boxes are just not realistic or practical. Plus, during a pandemic, many previous forms of self-care (going out with friends, massages, shopping, etc.) are just also not realistic. Additionally, many of us, particularly parents just don’t have the time for long self-care rituals. So, for this list I kept it as simple and free as possible. Plus, this is all actually what I do to keep myself functioning for my family, clients, and business.

Okay, here’s my list!

Walk - Every day I start my day with a walk. While I often listen to a podcast or even spend that time getting a bit caught up on emails, I try to just enjoy being outside and enjoying nature. I find this helps me feel centered and grounded throughout the day.
Gratitude list - Every day I make a list of 10 things in my life that I am grateful for. I have been doing this for just over a year now and honestly, it really helps me shift my perspective. Plus, I find myself noticing things throughout the day that I want to include on the list later. So it definitely helps direct my attention towards things that are enjoyable in my life all day long.
Meditation - This is a practice that I sort of fall into and fall back out of. I recently began using Headspace daily again and have been really enjoying it! I’m really hoping that by including it in my blog that I will stick with it a bit longer than I have in the past.
Playing music with my toddler - As my son has gotten older, he is getting more and more interested in music. He is not always the most outgoing, so when he really gets into it and dances all over the place, it just fills my heart with joy. I have recently made it my intention to play music and sing and dance with him at least once a day.
Starting my day early - Now this one might not be for everyone… but for me, waking up before my family has become an important part of my daily routine. Early in motherhood, I learned that I really like it when our house is set up for the day. When things are already packed to take to daycare, the dishwasher is empty, sometimes breakfast is made, and I have time to gradually wake up. So, every day, I set my alarm a bit earlier than I need to and give myself the gift of time and some peace knowing that at least the day starts setup well and without frantic running around. I believe this helps reduce my feelings of overwhelm.

I hope this is helpful for some of you! Most of the activities I shared do not actually take that long and are pretty accessible even in the busiest households during a pandemic. If these ideas are not for you, maybe think up a few others. Maybe journaling, having coffee alone outside, reading a book, or taking a long shower could go on your list. Self-care does not need to be expensive or dramatic, often it is just little things we practice doing over and over that help us feel more grounded and centered.

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Part #3: Blog Series on Over-Functioning Parents: Managing the Emotional Impact

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First Blog of 2023

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Realistic goals for 2021, aka “Year TWO of Pandemic Life”

5 Self Care Practices I Do Daily That are Quick and Free!

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