Child, Teen and Adult Psychotherapy Services in San Diego
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How Parents Can Help Kids Learn From Mistakes

3/23/2022

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By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

So your child made a mistake. Now what do you do? You may have seen it coming or maybe it was unexpected. Maybe their mistake will affect others. Your child might feel defeated, hopeless, frustrated, or angry. As adults, we know that there is always something one can learn from a mistake, but how can we help kids learn from theirs? Luckily, there are often several teaching moments parents can incorporate in these scenarios.

  1. Allow time for a child to calm before talking about the mistake. This can be one of the most helpful places to start. It is hard to take in information or think something through when emotions are high. Allowing kids time for their emotions to settle will likely make the conversation more effective. Saying something like “would you like to take space for a bit?” can communicate that you understand they might not be ready to talk. This decreases the pressure to share their thoughts, concerns, or letdowns until they are ready. Using the phrase “taking space” can also be used whenever emotions are high. It also allows a child (or us adults) time to reduce the chances of saying something we might later wish we hadn’t.
  2. Praise their ability to admit they made a mistake. It is hard to own it! Working to ensure your response does not shame them can be huge because it increases the likelihood that they will share future mistakes. You can try saying “I’m proud of you for sharing you” or “I’m glad you could share this, it shows a lot of bravery”.
  3. Help them reflect on what they learned. This demonstrates that even with disappointment or frustration, there is always a take away from a mistake. You can help them identify one thing they have learned that will help them the next time they are confronted with a similar challenge then you can talk about how they’re feeling. Depending on their ability to identify their own emotions, you can try reflecting “I can see how disappointed/sad/angry you are right now”. 
  4. Use this moment of humility to help them learn to be compassionate with their peers when peers make mistakes. You can first help your child recognize how they would like to be treated when they make a mistake. Then, you can help them think about how their classmates or teammates would like to be treated when making mistakes. This allows your child to learn the importance of showing kindness to classmates or teammates when they make mistakes. Helping them recognize that as your child wants to be supported and not judged, your child can learn to show this same compassion to peers.
  5. If they hurt someone, plan on how to apologize. You can help them learn how to make amends by learning how to apologize well. This can consist of admitting the mistake you made, sharing that you are sorry, stating you want to ensure this does not happen again, and asking for forgiveness. I would also add on helping them learn to let it go after they are forgiven.
  6. Practice, practice. If their mistake is something they are able to practice, then help them practice it. Saying “okay, you made a mistake here, so let’s practice more to help it not happen again!” can be a positive reframe.
  7. Model learning from mistakes. How do you respond to your own mistakes? Are you forgiving of yourself, or do you tend to talk down to yourself? Increasing your awareness of how you respond to your own mistakes will help children learn how to respond to theirs.

While making mistakes is rarely enjoyable, there are so many things we can learn from them! Helping children notice the opportunities, rather than them only seeing their disappointments or frustrations, can increase their hope for future outcomes.

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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Why Parents Should Encourage Risk Taking

2/23/2022

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By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

I usually associate risk taking with bungee jumping or skydiving. Those are both “risks” I doubt I will ever take, no matter how many times my friends say “it’s so worth it”. While I am not a fan of heights, I do think I have taken risks in other ways. I think about the times when I have moved to a new city by myself. There were risks that I would not make friends and risks that I would regret having moved. However, I was willing to take those jumps because I knew I could find a way to handle it. As an adult, it feels easier to tell myself to take a risk. I can gauge if the risk is too big or if it might be just big enough by the amount of risks I have taken in life so far. Children can benefit from taking risks too. There are definitely times that a risk is too big (like the time I tried to jump into the pool without my floaties “like the big kids”). However, appropriate risk taking can actually be really helpful in their development. Below I have shared some of the benefits of allowing kids to take risks.

  1. Risk taking builds confidence. I think one example of this is when a child first rides a bike without training wheels. Once they overcome the fear of falling (and likely fall a few times), they gain more confidence. When a child is able to try new things and they realize they have succeeded, it can be a huge self-confidence booster.
  2. It increases the likelihood they will try new things. That self-confidence gain helps them see other risks as opportunities they can take. It helps them feel less limited in what they can do. When we try to protect a child a little too much, they end up learning that there are tasks they cannot do that they probably can. This can end up leading to more self-doubt.
  3. They can learn to fail well. If they try something new and it does not go well, this can actually be a good thing! This allows them the opportunity to feel the disappointment, recover, and build strength to try again. They learn that they can feel disappointment and still be proud of giving it a go. In the end, this can increase their resilience when trying new things. This also gives a parent the chance to validate their child’s feelings of disappointment, while also reflecting on the courage it took to take the risk.
  4. They learn what risks are too risky. When children try new things, they often look at their parent first to see if what they are about to do is safe. If a child has less opportunities to decide for themselves what risks to take, they might have a difficult time gauging what risk is too risky or reckless in the future. Like I shared above, if they decide to take a risk that ends up having been a tad too risky, it allows an opportunity for the parent and child to talk about it. It can help the child reflect on how they might better know for the future if a risk is too much.

While your child might not be begging to go bungee jumping, I would encourage you to consider what appropriate risks they could take that can help them continue to increase their self-confidence. By doing so, it can help increase their sense of agency as they move towards adulthood.

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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Perfect Parenting is NOT the Goal

2/9/2022

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

As parents, there is so much pressure on us to try to do everything right, perfectly, or as well as possible as we raise our children. I think this has a lot to do with how much information there is regarding parenting and child development that we have access to. Additionally, there has been a shift culturally with people relating challenges they experience in their life to the parenting they received as a child. 

As a therapist, this connection between past and present is often a topic in my sessions both with adults and often young adults. It certainly has been a topic of my own personal therapy sessions! Interestingly, since my clinical work also focuses heavily on parenting, and since I have become a mom and felt this immense pressure on parents myself, I also have a slightly different perspective on this tendency to expect parents to be perfect. 

I fundamentally believe that it is impossible to parent perfectly. I also don’t think that it is a goal we should even have, and not just because it is impossible to accomplish but also because it is actually not helpful for our children to have perfect parents. I know this might sound strange to some of you, particularly if you don’t read my blog often, but our children are not served well by being led by people who are doing things perfectly. 

You see, how to repair things with the people we love after we mess up is one of the most important things we figure out in our lives. How can we possibly learn how to do this if we have parents who never mess up and as such, never need to repair? 

So, parents, a crucial part of parenting is acknowledging and accepting that you will not be perfect and that you will inevitably screw up, possibly in big ways. Once you can accept this, you can hopefully also open yourself up to learning how to repair with your child when you do mess up. Perhaps you mess up by yelling in response rather than calmly explaining things to them. In this situation, the best thing to do is to reconnect and repair with your child once you feel calm. 

These moments are surprisingly simple, but can be challenging not to fill in with unnecessary words and emotion. The best strategy is to take a compassionate yet matter of fact approach and to explain, “yesterday when I yelled at you, I was wrong. I am so sorry and imagine you may have felt scared, upset, or sad. You have every right to feel that way. I am sorry for doing that and will try my best to speak to you calmly in the future. I love you and you do not deserve to be yelled at.” 

Another way to handle things in the moment is to stop yourself, slow down, and simply explain that you do not like the way you are responding to them and ask if you can “restart.” If you can easily reconnect, go for it!  If your child is reluctant to reconnect and restart, allow them time to feel their feelings and find time later to acknowledge what happened and that you messed up, similar to the above situation. 

For many of us who had parents who never apologized or acknowledged their challenges, this is likely to feel very uncomfortable!  The good news in this current parenting culture is that we are doing things differently so that opens us up to consider what we might have appreciated or what might have helped us as people when we were kids. Then, we can simply try our best to do that. And for those of us whose parents did not apologize, just imagine what it would feel like if your parent truly acknowledged the mistakes they made, your feelings, and allowed a conversation about that now. It would do wonders for your healing, growth, and relationship! 

We all have an opportunity to create this kind of family climate from this point forward. 

Let’s do it - imperfectly of course. 
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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5 Ways Families Can Practice Gratitude

11/22/2020

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I am a firm believer in gratitude practices, not just for individuals and adults, but for whole families. And while I am sharing this blog the week before Thanksgiving, I think we can practice gratitude all year long. Here are some of the favorite ways I have heard of families doing just that! 

  1. A Gratitude Jar - Periodically, maybe weekly, you write down something you are grateful for as a family and put it in a clear jar. Then, you can get it out to read it either next Thanksgiving or on New Year’s Eve to remember the great parts of the year before. 
  2. “Roses and Thorns” - Or some variation of this idea of sharing about the highs and lows of your day or week. A lot of families do this at dinner but you could do it at any part of the day. Sometimes kids are open to sharing more at bedtime so that is also a good practice to get into. 
  3. Gratitude Notes to Each Other - Some families enjoy writing down the things about each other that they are grateful for and sharing them. You could even put them in your kids’ chrome book so they see it in the morning when they log in for virtual learning! 
  4. Frequent noticing of enjoyable things - So this is not really a whole family practice but perhaps something parents can initiate more. I think that the more we slow down to notice great parts of the day, the more we are showing our kids how to enjoy ourselves and be grateful for what we are doing. For example, if you are outside and it is one of those ideal weather days, commenting on it out loud and sharing just how nice it is can help your child also notice that. 
  5. Mindfulness Activities - Any chance we have to slow down can help us appreciate life a bit more. So taking some deep breaths, paying attention to our five senses, and walking ourselves through a list of 5 things we are grateful for can be really helpful in building more intention around both gratitude and developing mindfulness. 

Something I try to keep in mind is also that how we approach spending money can impact gratitude and our feelings about what we have. Kids are much more likely to keep good care of their belongings if they are not easily replaced when something happens to them. So, when a child accidentally breaks a toy, it can be easy for many of us to quickly replace it (and often with Prime Shipping!). I would encourage you to consider waiting to replace things so that your kiddo can learn that when things break, it is not readily replaced. This can lead to more gratitude for the things we have. 

I hope this quick post is helpful for you and your family!  In the days of easy technology and quick everything (2 hour delivery anyone?), it can be easy to fall into the trap of not remembering just how wonderful these things are. I personally keep a gratitude list daily where I write 10 things about my life or my day that I am grateful for. I notice that this practice helps me notice more throughout the day that is going well or enjoyable and I end up enjoying those moments more. Plus, I reflect on the day before bed in a positive way which is helpful in terms of managing stress particularly during a year like 2020.

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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How do we cope when we feel like we are on a sinking ship?

10/17/2020

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I know that might feel like a dramatic title but from what I am seeing and feeling in the world, I’m sadly not sure it is that off base or dramatic. So many of the people, particularly parents of young children, feel like they are just drowning. Drowning in zooms, drowning in snuggles, drowning in needs, demands on their time and attention and love. The list just goes on and on. 
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We are also drowning in our emotions right now. I know the holidays coming up has brought up a new awareness of just how much we have had to give up or sacrifice for this pandemic and to try and protect ourselves and others. There are a lot of words for what we are feeling, pandemic fatigue, compassion fade, but most of us just feel plain exhausted and overwhelmed. And on the worst days, it’s hard to feel hopeful that we can get through this. 

Particularly for people with the most unsustainable situations. The parents who are juggling stay at home learning while also working from home. The parents of kids with special needs without the services they normally rely on for support. The teens and young adults who don’t know how long it will be until they can make more concrete future plans again. 

As a therapist, so much of what I see and am spending my sessions on are topics that are just not “easy.” And that’s in normal times!  But right now, during a pandemic, sessions are so often about big systemic challenges we are dealing with that just feel unsolvable. Inequity… the pandemic… how can we possibly change the world when we are so tired from our day to day lives to do anything else?

This is such a tough place to be right now and what I wanted to consider is a way to frame it differently. I think most of us recognize just how tough this is and have been using every possible coping skill to try and make it better somehow. However, I think that perhaps we aren’t really going to make it better. We are just going to endure and persist through this challenging time in our world. The analogy that I found myself reaching for this week in particular was that we are essentially all on sinking ships and we are just trying to plug as many of the holes as we can so that we can not sink before help arrives. 

You see, I don’t think it is realistic for our goal to be that we are going to be at pre-pandemic levels of happiness or joy or anything like that. I think we can hope for some days that are reasonably good and less days that are terrible. That seems like a doable and realistic expectation. And it’s also less overwhelming to think of the small things that we can do to fill our small holes causing our ships to sink. For me, I fill them with daily walks and gratitude practices, trying to stay present with my kiddo and new kittens, making lists of things to do but not being overly focused on doing them if I don’t have it in me, reading books for fun, and limiting my news and focus on the world. 

So, while I am not sure I have any real answers to the challenges we are facing, I propose that each of us may have within us some small answers to how we endure until we can actually solve more of these big picture problems. I think focusing each day on ways we can slowly stop our boat personally or our families boats from sinking might be a start!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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Talking to Children About Race

6/26/2020

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Talking about race to children can be a touchy subject.  Some parents might not even have an option to talk about race because their children would have to learn about it by what they confront in their everyday life. Teaching your children about race early on is actually beneficial given that children as young as 6 months are able to notice racial differences! In fact, there have been research on newborns and infants showing racial biases towards members of their own race.

Talking about race to a young child could be as simple as pointing out the physical differences they notice.  For example, a 3-year-old might ask questions about skin color or hair texture. The hard part though… is the discussion about racism.  The recent events might prompt children to ask questions.  While some might wonder if it could be better to turn off the tv and shield their little young minds until they are old enough to understand, we have to remember that children notice and receive many messages around them no matter how much we try to control it.

And importantly, if we are not discussing these kinds of topics, they will make their own assumptions and come up with their own ideas about why that is or how we feel. Even though it is challenging or might be uncomfortable, it is important to lean into these crucial conversations and explore together the questions they have and what we can all do to be better humans in the world.
 

So where do we start?  In order to feel comfortable talking about race to your children, you have to first be comfortable with talking about it yourself.  It’s better to be proactive than to wait for children to ask you questions.  While you have these discussions with other adults in your life, notice what comes up for you.  What ideas or assumptions do you hold?  Where did they come from?  When you become aware of your own biases, it is more likely that you’ll be able to work on it and overcome it so you don’t pass it on unknowingly.  And remember that this part is never complete.  Gaining awareness of our preconceived ideas about racial groups and challenging the way we think about race is an ongoing process.

When you speak to your children about race or racism, there are key points to remember. Let them ask questions.  We all know children may not necessarily ask questions in the most polite or respectful way.  But giving them a safe space to do so with YOU would be a good opportunity to start a discussion. Even when the questions are uncomfortable for you, embrace the question and encourage your child to keep asking them. When children are shamed about asking questions, they learn quickly to stop doing it. 

It’s also okay to be emotional.  Because they are receiving information about themselves and about others, this can spark a lot of feelings. The most important thing about the emotions that may come up for you or your child is to normalize them. Tell your child that it is understandable to feel sad or angry about the injustice in the world and that you do too. And remember that this is a marathon.  You don’t need to have all the answers and be able to have a discussion with them in the moment.

For younger children, you can start by explaining what racial differences mean.  They might say something like “his skin looks dirty…”.  While your instinct might be to shush your child as you want to teach them not to be rude or disrespectful, you are unintentionally teaching them that talking about race is not okay.  You can say, “His skin is brown, but it isn’t dirty.  His skin color is just different from yours because we all have different levels of something called melanin.  People come in all colors, shapes, and sizes”.  Asking questions such as “what makes you say that?” or “why do you think so?” can help you understand where these ideas are coming from.

And even though talking about physical differences (hair, skin color, etc) may seem like the most obvious, don’t forget to mention other factors that are important to diversity such as cultural practices or languages.  This will help shift the attention away from looks and towards other qualities.  I remember in Kindergarten, my teacher read a book about the different types of homes people lived in around the world and as an Asian American immigrant who had just moved to the U.S., it was so nice to see my teacher focus on something other than what I already knew was different about me… my skin tone or my eyes.

Older children might have more questions as they start to observe the world around them.  This is an opportunity to have discussion that involve more critical thinking.  You can start talking about stereotypes and biases, and what they mean.  Not only can you talk about how these statements are hurtful, you can also talk about inequality, inclusion, and exclusion.  Why is generalizing a whole group of people bad?  Does someone benefit from it?  What can we do to help? How would you feel if someone was thinking or talking that way about you? 

Lastly, I encourage everyone to integrate more diversity into their lives.  My favorite Disney princess is Mulan, and it always will be. I remember watching Mulan for the first time on VHS and I happily pointed out to my parents that there’s someone who looks just like me on TV!  And sadly, out of all my toys, the Mulan doll was the only one I had that looked like me.  Take this opportunity to notice what your child is exposed to.  Who is portrayed in the media they consume?  What do their toys look like?  Do they go to a diverse school?  Perhaps it’s time to intentionally include things that feature people from different races and ethnicities.

Remember what I said about this being a marathon?  It’s okay to make a mistake and to regret the way you answered a question.  You are a role model for your child.  Acknowledge that adults can make mistakes too and that you’re still learning to be better.  This is a challenging topic to discuss, and like most uncomfortable topics, it is one of the most important conversations we can have. 

If you are interested in resources about how to further these conversations and help your child be an Anti-Racist, please check out our new resource page all about this topic.


As always, we at Thrive are here for you and your families and hope to help you further your ability to have difficult, often uncomfortable, but important conversations in your families and address the topics that are coming up in our world.
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

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How can we support young children during quarantine?

5/29/2020

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For those of us who are parenting young children right now, the struggle is truly real. It has been and continues to be at times completely overwhelming to try to both continue to work as well as parent my own toddler. I am hearing the same from the families that I work with at my office (virtually of course right now!). I thought it might help to compile some of the things that my family has been doing to help support our son right now.
 
The truth is this blog post came out of a particularly difficult morning where my son was struggling to adjust on Monday to having another “dad working in the garage” morning. I could tell during breakfast that he was sad and missing dad but just couldn’t say it. Of course, these feelings then manifested into some behaviors which are of course expected at this age but can leave any parent (including me) feeling completely inept.


I wanted to offer support to other parents struggling with similar situations by sharing the way I have been trying to handle things as much as possible (believe me, I am not perfect either!).
 
  • Verbalize the emotions I think he might be feeling – since our son is not ready to share his feelings in words (we settle for his dino roars when angry these days!) – I try to help him label what is going on. Sometimes I do this in the moment if he is receptive and if not, I try to do it afterwards when he is feeling calmer.
  • Perspective - I put myself in his shoes as much as possible and try to remember how confusing this situation must be for him to have us home but sometimes working and sometimes all together.
  • Reframe - I reframe the situation to consider that he is not “giving me a hard time” but having a hard time himself.
  • Balance - I am trying hard to give quality time when I can and to notice when I think he needs some time to play independently
  • We try to keep a schedule – since my husband and I are juggling child care and work and have designated “work” or “Luca” time, this helps but I try to keep a routine in the morning that we both like… play, breakfast, play, walk, some iPad or TV time while I get ready for work
  • Keeping the image that everything is fine - I am working hard on relaxing while around Luca and not talking as much about the stressful things in our world  - we don’t avoid the topic of why we aren’t going to daycare but keep it light referring to “germs” and wanting to stay home to stay safe together
  • Easy going - We have definitely relaxed some rules as well to help this situation feel a bit more fun. In the past, we used to go out and do a lot of social outings and things and since we can’t, we are trying to make things as fun as possible at home
 
This is a particularly hard time to be a parent to a young or school age child. As parents, we often are the ones setting the tone in our families and I notice that while my family is adjusting to this situation, we are much quicker to struggle than we used to be. I think this is just the nature of the situation so we are trying to be proactive in our self-care right now.
 
If you are struggling to figure out how to engage in self-care because most of what you used to do is now unavailable (ex. Massages, nights out, time away, gym classes, beach days, etc.), try to start with thinking about your personal needs. And not what you think you should need but what you really need as a person to thrive. For me, I need some down time as well as time to feel connected with friends and our community. While this is by no means as possible for me as it was before, I have found that even a little bit of time by myself (even just a walk on the weekends alone) and just a little bit of time to miss a daily routine like bedtime has been helpful. I am fortunate that I have a partner who can help with this and recognize that some people don’t have that available right now. I would encourage you still to focus on figuring out what it is you are looking for in your life and strategies or ways to access it, even while social distancing.


As always, I am of the belief that the more parents are feeling effective, peaceful, and calm within themselves, the more they can parent from a place of intention and less reaction.


At Thrive, we are happy to help support you and your family if you are struggling right now!  We are accepting new referrals both for individual therapy and parent consultation but also group therapy!  We have three groups currently – Teen Anxiety, Young Adult, and Parent Support. Check out this page for more information about our groups! 

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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The Problem with Rescuing Your Kids

6/5/2019

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

As a therapist who specializes in working with kids, teens, parents, and families, I have noticed a growing and very concerning trend in my work. So many of the kids, teens, and even young adults that I work with are struggling with anxiety, crippling perfectionism, and so much self doubt that they struggle to do things they desperately want to be doing. At the root of so much of this are feelings of incompetence and a huge fear of failure. 
 
I have been contemplating this challenge and recent parenting trends and have noticed that this happens more in the families I work with where parents seem to be struggling to let their kids deal with things on their own. Unfortunately, these parents get kind of a bad rap as “helicopter” parents when in fact, they are parents who are simply struggling to know when it is appropriate to let their kid/teen/young adult fail or struggle through something. And the root of this struggle is usually so much love for their little one (who may not be so little anymore) as well as overwhelming fear about what might happen for their kid/teen/young adult if they do not participate so heavily in their lives. 
 
This fear is one most parents know well. What if they don’t get into a good college?  What if they make choices that screw up their whole life? What if they do something I can’t help them undo?  What if they can’t get a good job? And the list just goes on and on. As a result (I believe), we are overdoing it in the parenting department. We are rescuing our kids way too much and then we come to find that our kids seem to need to be rescued.  Weird huh. 
 
When you look at what happens and what a person will think if they are being rescued from situations, it starts to make sense. When we rescue a person from a situation that they are either capable of handling on their own or almost capable of handling on their own, the message we are giving them is not one of their own ability but one of their need for us to handle things for them. We teach them that they need us and that they can’t do these things on their own. We teach them to ask for help before they need it, before problem solving on their own, and to at all costs avoid struggling with something. 
 
Instead, we need to give our kids the following kinds of messages by verbalizing them as well as by our actions in letting them handle most problems on their own: 
 
  • “I know you are struggling but you are also resourceful and able to figure things out on your own”
  • “I’m here to help but I can’t solve this problem for you”
  • “I have faith that you can figure this out” 
  • “No matter what happens, we will figure this out together but you need to take some steps at solving the problem first”
  • “I know it’s hard, but you can do hard things” 
 
I could go on and on but I won’t. The point is that we definitely need to help when it is needed. But we are so often confused about when it is needed that we are rescuing way too often, which is not helping our kids/teens/young adults develop into the independent and capable people that we know they are meant to be.  I encourage you to trust yourself as a parent and trust your “little one,” however old they may be, that they can figure things out and will benefit from a little struggle and failure along the way. Just like most of us did on our way to becoming independent adults. 
 
 At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
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Why Parents Need to Apologize to Their Kids

10/28/2018

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman 

 Learning to own our mistakes and be held accountable for them has to be one of the most difficult and painful lessons in life. I also believe that it is one of the most important lessons, particularly for our children and teens. Often, accountability and honesty in light of mistakes and failure is a goal for parents for their children. However, we need to first model this behavior and make it a goal for us as parents. We need to recognize that we are going to screw up as parents, most likely frequently!  And that when we screw up, it probably is going to hurt… We love our little ones more than anything but on a bad day, we yell at them or we say something we shouldn’t or we give them bad advice that well, goes badly for them. I could go on and on about the possible ways we are going to screw up. Newsflash parents, we aren’t perfect and we aren’t supposed to be!
 
Do we want to be perfect parents, yes. Of course we do!  Interestingly though, that would be entirely counterproductive for our kids and teens to learn about failure, mistakes, repairing relationships, and coping with our own humanity. 
 
So, when we fail, I encourage you to use it as a learning opportunity for yourself and for your kids. Own it. Acknowledge that you screwed up. And figure out how to fix it. Apologize, listen to your kid or teens side and experience, and let them know you recognize that you screwed up and will try to do better. 
 
Imagine if we lived in a world where we were all a bit more skilled at this. It would be amazing and we can be the change that leads to that world. I believe we can do it! 
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
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The Pressures of Parenting a Teen

8/7/2018

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 So, a topic that comes up a lot in my work with teens is pressure. Teens often feel a lot of pressure. They feel it from their parents, their schools, their friends, their followers on social media, and from the world around them as a whole. Even before social media came to be, it was really typical, and developmentally normal, for teens to feel that the whole world is watching them. And now they have proof that the whole world is watching, or not watching them, in terms of numbers of shares, likes, comments, snaps, texts, etc. As many parents recognize, it is a whole new ball game in raising kids, particularly teens. 
 
What I notice to be really challenging for parents of teens is knowing how much pressure is enough, too much, or not enough. There is just so much pressure on teens, but also on their parents in our current society and culture. There is far more information known about development, parenting, and what is needed to be successful in our world. And honestly, as a new mom and therapist, I would say that there is way TOO MUCH information about all of it. There are a thousand parenting books out there and if I, the parenting “expert,” feel like I should read all of them despite my years of experience, education, and training on parenting, I can only imagine the pressure other parents feel. 

​With parenting teens, there is also the additional pressure of college plus a limited number of years left that our teens live with us. The questions arise... have I done a good job? Are they ready for the world?  How are they going to do anything on their own?  Will they get into college? Will they make it in the real world?  I could go on and on and on because the questions and the doubts are just never-ending. This leads to a huge amount of pressure but also fear for parents. Unfortunately, this can translate to our kids as feeling that we doubt them, rather than we doubt ourselves. 

Regardless of how much pressure you end up thinking your teen needs in order to help them thrive as a young adult, make sure that the message you give them is that they can do it, that you believe in them, and that you never, ever doubt them and their ability to be a successful person. Showing them you have faith in them will do more than pressure ever will! 

But, Erica, how much pressure should I put on them???
Interestingly, there is no simple answer to the question, how much pressure is enough, where teens are considered. I believe that what is most important with teens and knowing the right amount of pressure is paying a lot of attention to who your kid is. If your teen is super motivated and puts a lot of pressure on themself without you intervening, then I think parents are in a lucky situation of really pulling back on their oversight of things. This group of kids needs independence and to be allowed some wiggle room to figure themselves out and how to manage the pressure they put on themselves. 
 
If your teen is on the less motivated end of the spectrum, you most likely need to be providing some sort of extrinsic rewards to help them with their motivation. While this might seem like “pressure,” it is really just setting things up so that in order for your teen to have the things they like (phone, computer, friend time, etc.), they have to do the things they might not want to do (schoolwork, volunteering, chores, etc.). 
 
While this discussion seems very categorical, I would actually suggest that it is just two ends of the spectrum that I am mentioning. Most kids are somewhere in between and need a nuanced approach of parent support, outside rewards, and then some level of wiggle room to make mistakes and figure out what they really want. If you feel that you need more support in figuring out how to support your teen, feel free to give our team at Thrive a call!  We love working with parents to help their teens be more successful and to help them feel good about what they are doing as parents. 
 
One last note, where parents are considered in terms of how much pressure is enough, I’m going to be blunt and just say that it is almost always too much. Way. Too. Much. Pressure. From ourselves, and from others. When I write my blogs, I even worry that my voice is adding to the pressure parents feel to always do or say the “right” things for their kids and families. The truth is, we are all going to screw up a little bit and what really matters is remembering we as parents are a work in progress, and so are our kids and teens. They are just figuring life out too and we all need some grace and compassion! 
 
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
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