As a therapist who specializes in working with kids, teens, parents, and families, I have noticed a growing and very concerning trend in my work. So many of the kids, teens, and even young adults that I work with are struggling with anxiety, crippling perfectionism, and so much self doubt that they struggle to do things they desperately want to be doing. At the root of so much of this are feelings of incompetence and a huge fear of failure. 
 
I have been contemplating this challenge and recent parenting trends and have noticed that this happens more in the families I work with where parents seem to be struggling to let their kids deal with things on their own. Unfortunately, these parents get kind of a bad rap as “helicopter” parents when in fact, they are parents who are simply struggling to know when it is appropriate to let their kid/teen/young adult fail or struggle through something. And the root of this struggle is usually so much love for their little one (who may not be so little anymore) as well as overwhelming fear about what might happen for their kid/teen/young adult if they do not participate so heavily in their lives. 
 
This fear is one most parents know well. What if they don’t get into a good college?  What if they make choices that screw up their whole life? What if they do something I can’t help them undo?  What if they can’t get a good job? And the list just goes on and on. As a result (I believe), we are overdoing it in the parenting department. We are rescuing our kids way too much and then we come to find that our kids seem to need to be rescued.  Weird huh. 
 
When you look at what happens and what a person will think if they are being rescued from situations, it starts to make sense. When we rescue a person from a situation that they are either capable of handling on their own or almost capable of handling on their own, the message we are giving them is not one of their own ability but one of their need for us to handle things for them. We teach them that they need us and that they can’t do these things on their own. We teach them to ask for help before they need it, before problem solving on their own, and to at all costs avoid struggling with something. 
 
Instead, we need to give our kids the following kinds of messages by verbalizing them as well as by our actions in letting them handle most problems on their own: 
 

• “I know you are struggling but you are also resourceful and able to figure things out on your own”
• “I’m here to help but I can’t solve this problem for you”
• “I have faith that you can figure this out” 
• “No matter what happens, we will figure this out together but you need to take some steps at solving the problem first”
• “I know it’s hard, but you can do hard things” 

 
I could go on and on but I won’t. The point is that we definitely need to help when it is needed. But we are so often confused about when it is needed that we are rescuing way too often, which is not helping our kids/teens/young adults develop into the independent and capable people that we know they are meant to be.  I encourage you to trust yourself as a parent and trust your “little one,” however old they may be, that they can figure things out and will benefit from a little struggle and failure along the way. Just like most of us did on our way to becoming independent adults. 
 

By now, you’ve probably heard about the children being separated from their families at the US-Mexico border. Just to be clear, there is no official Trump administration policy stating that families entering the U.S. without papers are to be separated. The “zero tolerance policy” is that all adults entering the U.S. illegally are to be criminally prosecuted; however, when these adults are sent before a judge to see if they will be deported or sent to federal jail, that’s when separation happens. So, while the parents await to see what happens to them, the “unaccompanied children” have to be dealt with.  Children are then separated and transferred to the Office of Refugee Resettlement (ORR) in the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). Most children do not have relatives already in the U.S. so they are placed in short-term shelters or foster families since criminal defendants don’t have a right to have their children with them in jail. 

Now politics aside, we cannot ignore that separating children from their parents has several psychological and even biological implications. Forced separation places children at a high risk for mental health issues. The trauma of being separated from their parents or family members only adds to the stressful experiences they have already endured in order to arrive at the border. The accumulated stress from these traumatic experiences disrupts their brain development, and the effects can unfortunately last a lifetime.

Parents are essential in fulfilling the child’s fundamental needs for early attachment, or parent-child bond. In my work with attachment, being deprived from parental care (even if children are placed in stable and loving families) can cause both short term and long term biological and psychological issues. This disruption in attachment creates a belief system that their parents are unreliable and that the world is unpredictable, which can become problematic. In the short-term, these children are at a higher risk for problems with sleep, impulsivity, emotion regulation, anxiety, and depression. The long-term implications are impaired cognitive functioning and social-emotional functioning, and the increased risk of developing mental health disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder, severe anxiety disorders, depression, and the list continues. The consequences of family separation are profound; so, if you are personally affected or would simply like to take action, please check out the resources below. 

Donating or Joining the Community

• Young Center for Immigrant Children’s rights
• Families Belong Together
• Together Rising
• Texas Civil Rights Project
• Las Americas Immigrant Advocacy Center
• Detained Migrant Solidarity Committee-Fianza Fund

Contacting your Elected Officials

• Contact your Senators and Representatives to urge them to support the Keep Families Together Act(SB3036), a bill that would stop family separation. 
  • Call your members of Congress at 202-224-3121. There are a few pauses, but don’t hang up, wait for the audio recordings and follow the prompts to get connected. When connected, say you support SB 3036 and you are asking that they support it too.
  • Alternatively, you can also email your senators.
• Here’s a script in case you do not know where to start.

Sign Petitions

• https://www.petitions.moveon.org/sign/familiestogether?source=homepage
• https://action.kamalaharris.org/sign/petition-180618-nielsen/?t=3&akid=73%2E176936%2ENRkXFy

​Note from Thrive Founder, Erica Wollerman: 
​While I usually try to avoid posting anything political on our website and Facebook page, since our practice is dedicated to supporting children, teens, parents, and families, I personally felt that the separation of children from their families was a topic we just could not ignore. At Thrive, we spend our time uniting families and working through communication issues, conflict, and difficulties connecting as well as childhood trauma at times. We are all concerned about the damage being caused to these children, teens, parents, and families and wanted to share not just our opinions, but information about why we are concerned as well as ways some of you can help. 
 

The concepts of resilience and grit have been hot topics recently, particularly in the parenting, education, and psychology fields. This is for good reason as these qualities have been shown to be some of the most important traits you can help your child/teen develop in order to become successful adults. Interestingly, these are also traits that many adults are noticing seem to be lacking in some of the younger generations, which is a concern being written about all over the place online it seems. 
 
These hot topic concepts also come up often in my office frequently, particularly when parents begin to recognize that these are character traits that their children, teens, or young adults seem to lack. I hear comments and concerns from parents due to their children or teens not being able to persist or manage their frustration during difficult tasks. Sometimes, it shows up in their inability to make decisions and follow through on them because they are fearful of their ability to manage a possible “wrong” decision. 
 
I thought it could be helpful to write a blog with my tips for ways parents can help their children build resilience and grit from a young age to help prevent some of these challenges. As a psychologist who specializes in treating individuals across the lifespan and in working with parents, I believe that I have a unique perspective on how this trait may develop in small ways over a life. 
 
Before we get into this topic too much, it might help to give some background on these concepts. 
 
Resilience
I love the way resilience is described in this article on the American Psychological Association’s website – “Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress… It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.” (You can find the original article and related information on resilience here).
 
Grit
As described by Angela Duckworth in her TED talk on grit (Check it out here!), grit is “perseverance and passion for long-term goals.” 
 
I believe the most important thing to know about resilience and grit is that they are character traits that can be developed and are not innate things that we either have or don’t have. These traits result from conscious choices about how we cope with the world and how we handle the adversity that we will inevitably face in our lives. 
 
Hopefully these brief descriptions help you see just how important these traits are. Resilience is essentially the ability to continue when life is difficult and to overcome failure and Grit is the tendency to persist when the road to overcome failure becomes tough. 
 
6 Ways to help your child develop resilience and grit: 
 
1.  Expect that life will have challenges
I love that parents want to raise their children with the mindset that things will go well for them. I totally can relate to wanting to have things be smooth for your child – it is really tough to watch your child struggle! However, this idea that things will go well and that problems are the anomaly is unfortunately completely inaccurate and misguided. Challenges in life are the norm and should be expected. Therefore, we as parents can do our best job for our kids by preparing them for challenges and how to use them as learning experiences! 
 
I think normalizing challenge and struggle for your children is important and you can do that in many ways. For example saying something like, “I know that is tough, sometimes things in life will be tough for us, but we can handle it” or “Life can be really unfair and difficult sometimes, I think this is one of those times, but I know we can get through it together.” Another way you can do this is by sharing some of your own challenges with them. For example, if your child is struggling in a friendship, you can say something about how you remember what that was like for you as a child and the ways you learned to deal with the feelings you had. This will help them know they are not alone and that they are not the only ones dealing with a difficulty. 
 
2.  Allow them to experience failure
This is absolutely crucial!  I hear from parents all the time just how much they want their kids to be happy and to succeed. However, they often mistakenly help their kids avoid failure too much and prevent them from the learning opportunities that come with failing. This can give them the message that they are not capable to dealing with or surviving challenges. 
 
I would even take this one step further and suggest that you as a parent embrace failure. Failure means so many wonderful things – it means that you tried something new that was outside of your comfort zone, it means you pushed yourself and found your limit with something, failure means that you were brave. We often have a negative perception of failure in our culture and I would encourage us to reconsider this, especially as parents!  Failure is not the worst thing by any means, it is a step on your path and a learning opportunity. (Check out my longer blog post on this very topic here).
 
3.  Let your kids make decisions and deal with the outcomes
Let’s say that your child is debating about what sport they want to play or what class they want to take in school. You know that the one they are choosing may not be entirely the best fit for them but they really want to try it. I would recommend you let them make the decision and then deal with how it turns out. Maybe they love it – great, they now made a decision that worked out for them and that’s a great learning experience!  Maybe they hate it – great, now they have made a decision that they can learn so much from. The best part of them hating it is that you can then work with them on how they deal with a difficult class, teacher, sport, etc. for the duration of the semester, season, etc. 
 
Another example would be for a younger child when they choose ice cream at the ice cream shop you are pretty sure they will hate. Let them choose and then don’t rescue them from the outcome. Everything in life is there to teach us something so help them find the lesson there!  
 
4.  Don’t rescue too much or too quickly
When your child is struggling with something, try not to just jump in and either do it for them, fix the problem, or correct their mistake. Try to figure out exactly where their skill level is for dealing with that situation and then support them through scaffolding, expecting them to push themselves a little bit beyond their existing skill level to deal with it. For example, when your child is completing a puzzle and feels that it is too hard, push them to work for a few more minutes before you come to help. When you come over to help, don’t just do it for them or point out where the pieces go, talk them through their process of decision making and give little suggestions that will help them figure it out on their own. 
 
The most important thing is that if you as a parent view challenges as opportunities to learn, your child will too! 
 
5.  Teach your kids to persist through challenges 
So when a challenging situation comes up, model for them how to deal with it in a healthy, persistent way. It helps if you have a positive attitude about life’s challenges also!
 
Our language around challenges really matters in these situations – here are some examples of ways to talk positively about challenges: 

• “Oh this is tough, what a great way to learn!”
• “I love a challenge”
• “Mistakes and challenges help our brain grow”
• “Let’s try to look at this another way”
• “It’s important that we keep trying rather than giving up”
• “I think we can figure this out together” 
• “I know it’s tough but we can do hard things” 

 
6.  Be comfortable with your own struggle and failures 
If you can feel comfortable with the fact that things will not always go our way in life, you will inevitably pass that message on to your child. If you expect perfection or things to go smoothly, you will pass that on to your child too. So, I think it is important that you think about your relationship with adversity while you think about how to help your child through it. If you notice that you struggle with your own failures or with being resilient or having grit, perhaps it would be a good time to work on that in yourself while you work on it with your child!  
 
Some great resources for developing more grit and resilience for yourself as an adult: 

• Brene Brown’s work – All of her books are amazing but Rising Strong speaks to this the most 
• Angela Duckworth – Her Ted Talk or book, Grit would be a great place to start!
• Researching information on Growth Mindset – there are a ton of resources online!
• Pema Chodron’s work and books 
• ​Sheryl Sandberg's book Option B has a great discussion on building resilience 
  

 
I hope that this list can be a jumping off point for you in learning how to help your child overcome adversity to develop more grit and resilience! If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 

Most people think of depression as an adult mental health issue, but children and teens can develop depression too.  Sometimes adults assume that children or teens can’t be depressed because they have nothing to worry about, but even those who live in a stress-free and loving environment can develop depression. 

Many children and teens with depression are often left untreated because adults don’t recognize their symptoms. It can be difficult to tell whether a child or teen is going through a temporary “phase” or is actually suffering from depression. While most adults with depression look sad, children and teens may look more irritable or angry. Children and teens who cause trouble at school or at home could be suffering from depression.

The following are common signs of childhood depression:

• Changes in behavior (ourbursts, irritability, anger, defiance, academic issues)
• Physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches)
• Decreased interest in activities (no longer enjoys previously enjoyable activities)
• Low energy, increased boredom
• Isolation from peers and difficulty with relationships
• Poor concentration
• A major change in eating or sleeping
• Significant weight gain or weight loss
• Frequent talk or thoughts about death, dying, or suicide (in younger children, these themes may present themselves through play)
• Hopelessness 
• Crying more often or more easily
• Harming self (cutting, scratching, hitting)

It’s important to note that not all children or teens will have these symptoms. Some children and teens may continue to function well in their environment despite experiencing depression. 

What can parents or caregivers do?
The best thing parents or caregivers can do is to be proactive about your child’s mental health. Younger children often lack the language to tell their parents what they’re experiencing. Teens on the other hand may have a better understanding of depression but may feel embarrassed about coming forward. Learn the warning signs of depression in children and teens and take note of how long the problem has been going on as well as how often they happen. Then, you’ll have a record of concerning changes you can address with a mental health professional. Depression is treatable so seek help as soon as possible! 

​If you are concerned about your child/teen and would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered at Thrive Therapy Studio and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

The holiday season is upon us. And let’s be honest, the holidays can be quite stressful and exhausting! They can be demanding and overwhelming for the whole family. And feeling like you need to do everything to give your kids an amazing holiday can make it even worse. For you and them. Especially when they are displaying challenging behaviors and you start to feel resentful because they seem ungrateful. It is important to remember this time of year is not just stressful and exhausting for you, it is for your children too. Whether it is tests, finals, parties, school performances, extracurricular activities, family visiting, or all of the above, it is a LOT for them. It is a lot for ALL of you.

So try and remember this when your child is giving you an attitude, throwing a fit, wants to stay in their room, or displaying any challenging behavior. These behaviors are likely their way of communicating they are overwhelmed, over stimulated, or tired and in need of a break. And don’t forget about you, when you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, becoming irritable or short with your family members, take a break. Try to model for your family that the holidays should not be about being stressed and overwhelmed. You don’t have to do every trending holiday activity or event. Pick a few, or none. Make family traditions simple, and let them be about who you are as family and what you enjoy, and not what everyone else is doing. Remind yourself of this as many times as you need. Take a moment to look at your beautiful family. Enjoy them this holiday season. Have fun, be playful, and let the small things (or big things that no one cares about anyway) go. Happy Holidays! May this be the best one yet!