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 By: Dr. Erica WollermanIf your house is anything like ours, Encanto has been watched, and listened to, A LOT! It’s very cute because my son has picked up on the fact that I love this movie as well so when he really wants to watch something and connect with me he will ask for “Encanto and popcorn.” Something that I really love about this movie is how many amazing themes it incorporates and provides concrete ways to discuss some really tough things in life. Like how hard it can be to feel that others expect you to be able to solve every problem (Luisa) or how we might feel our value is only in being “perfect” (Isabella). Or, how much a family is impacted by trying to hide difficult things and not talking about them (Bruno and Mirabel). So, I thought it might be helpful to share a bit about how I, as a child therapist and parent, use the film to explore topics with my son (who is 4 so some of this is for younger kids). One of my son’s favorite questions about the movie is, why didn’t Mirabel get a gift? What a great question right? This is a great way to talk about how the family has secrets and is not dealing with the hard things coming up so the magic seemed to find a way to force them to talk about it. First, by trying to show something was wrong by not giving her a gift, and second, by giving Bruno a vision about her. I use this question as a way to weave in the importance of facing our problems and dealing with hard things. We talk about how the magic was there to help the family and that because Abuela wanted to protect the magic by always being of service to everyone and holding tight to “sunshine”, it started to break down. Pretending everything is okay all the time causes harm. Just ask poor Tia Pepa always trying to imagine “clear skies” instead of dancing in the rain! Another helpful topic is using Luisa’s struggles to explore how it’s okay to ask for help and not be strong all the time. With older kids, it can help to use her situation to explore how unrealistic expectations are the hardest pressures to deal with in life. With my son, I talk about how Luisa feels that she needs to do everything because she is so strong but that it is okay to take a break, ask for help, and that one person should never be the one in a family shouldering all the problems or challenges. We talk about how families are a team and how we need to help each other. Onto one of my favorite topics of all time, perfection! Specifically, perfection is not a great goal. My son and I talk a lot about how Isabella felt that she had to be a certain way, perfect, to be loved and of use in the family but that when she allowed herself to feel things fully, she was happier and more herself. We love watching her sing and dance and create things totally her own. I think this is a great image for parents when they are considering what they hope for in their child’s life. Instead of perfect Isabella who seemed pretty unhappy at times, we should hope for an Isabella who dances in the magic of her own creations with joy. Now back to Mirabel of course. While my son loves asking about how she didn’t get a gift, as a therapist, I know a secret. She did get a gift. The gift of empathy. Watching how she was able to connect with all of her family members so well to truly see them, what they needed, and to show them love through their struggles was truly beautiful. Especially as a therapist because she reminded me of what we do every day in our offices. Even if others may not always understand, we know that the Isabella we want is the one who is messy and joyful, not “perfect,” and that the Luisa we want is the one who is resting and helpful because she chooses it, not because her worth is tied to her productivity. While disrupting family patterns is not always easy, it certainly is brave and it was heartwarming to see her family embrace her and the magic reward them all by coming back. Hopefully, all of our lives can embrace a bit of magic that helps us move more in the direction of doing things in line with who we truly are. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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 By: Dr. Erica WollermanAs parents, there is so much pressure on us to try to do everything right, perfectly, or as well as possible as we raise our children. I think this has a lot to do with how much information there is regarding parenting and child development that we have access to. Additionally, there has been a shift culturally with people relating challenges they experience in their life to the parenting they received as a child. As a therapist, this connection between past and present is often a topic in my sessions both with adults and often young adults. It certainly has been a topic of my own personal therapy sessions! Interestingly, since my clinical work also focuses heavily on parenting, and since I have become a mom and felt this immense pressure on parents myself, I also have a slightly different perspective on this tendency to expect parents to be perfect. I fundamentally believe that it is impossible to parent perfectly. I also don’t think that it is a goal we should even have, and not just because it is impossible to accomplish but also because it is actually not helpful for our children to have perfect parents. I know this might sound strange to some of you, particularly if you don’t read my blog often, but our children are not served well by being led by people who are doing things perfectly. You see, how to repair things with the people we love after we mess up is one of the most important things we figure out in our lives. How can we possibly learn how to do this if we have parents who never mess up and as such, never need to repair? So, parents, a crucial part of parenting is acknowledging and accepting that you will not be perfect and that you will inevitably screw up, possibly in big ways. Once you can accept this, you can hopefully also open yourself up to learning how to repair with your child when you do mess up. Perhaps you mess up by yelling in response rather than calmly explaining things to them. In this situation, the best thing to do is to reconnect and repair with your child once you feel calm. These moments are surprisingly simple, but can be challenging not to fill in with unnecessary words and emotion. The best strategy is to take a compassionate yet matter of fact approach and to explain, “yesterday when I yelled at you, I was wrong. I am so sorry and imagine you may have felt scared, upset, or sad. You have every right to feel that way. I am sorry for doing that and will try my best to speak to you calmly in the future. I love you and you do not deserve to be yelled at.” Another way to handle things in the moment is to stop yourself, slow down, and simply explain that you do not like the way you are responding to them and ask if you can “restart.” If you can easily reconnect, go for it! If your child is reluctant to reconnect and restart, allow them time to feel their feelings and find time later to acknowledge what happened and that you messed up, similar to the above situation. For many of us who had parents who never apologized or acknowledged their challenges, this is likely to feel very uncomfortable! The good news in this current parenting culture is that we are doing things differently so that opens us up to consider what we might have appreciated or what might have helped us as people when we were kids. Then, we can simply try our best to do that. And for those of us whose parents did not apologize, just imagine what it would feel like if your parent truly acknowledged the mistakes they made, your feelings, and allowed a conversation about that now. It would do wonders for your healing, growth, and relationship! We all have an opportunity to create this kind of family climate from this point forward. Let’s do it - imperfectly of course. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanSo, my title is a bit in jest but also a reflection of the turbulent times we are in yet again as we start 2022. Honestly, it has been a whirlwind of a start for our family in 2022. We had a Covid scare that really shook me up and while everyone is okay (and testing negative), the steep rise in cases feels reminiscent of 2020 for me. It feels strange to just continue with life and making plans but it also would feel strange not to make plans for this year as I am also tired of just getting by! So here I am, writing my annual blog about setting an intention for this year, wondering if it is a good idea at all since everything feels so uncertain yet again. Obviously, since I am still writing, I think it is a good idea but I also understand if anyone wants to take this year off from planning. I mean, we are all exhausted from plans, canceled plans, dashed hopes, and the struggle of managing our lives in light of a pandemic that seems to upend everything just when you get comfortable. So, dear reader, you have my full permission to just stop reading and stop planning and to cautiously enter into this year with the hopes that we make it through as unscathed as possible. For those of you who want to set an intention, I fully encourage you to consider going easy with your plans. As I said last year, we need pandemic goals, not normal goals! I believe that it is important to counteract hustle and grind culture with some ease and grace. This is why last year, I set the intention of Grace. Interestingly, I had almost forgotten that but when I reflect on the year, I feel I held grace to just get through and to rest, read, recharge, and recover as much as I could. Now, I feel ready for something else but if you have not yet been able to rest, recharge, process, recover, etc. please consider setting your goals around this! My word this year is “Queen.” While that might sound super bold and ambitious, the meaning is slightly different for me. You see, my name, Erica, actually means Queen (or at least I was told that by all the things I read as a kid and now it seems to refer to “Eternal Ruler” from all my google searching). I still remember how awful I felt about the idea of being a ruler or queen. See, I’ve always played kind of small and thought of myself as wanting to be small, unnoticeable, and not a Queen but something dainty like a princess. For some reason, even as a child, the word Queen was something that scared me and the power of it was not something I wanted to claim. Now I understand that this is likely due to systemic factors like misogyny and patriarchy but also my personality and being more of a people pleasing person. As I’ve aged (gracefully I hope), I have realized that my fear of my own strength, power, and abilities has only hindered me both personally and professionally. My self-doubt and humble nature at times make me a better mom, wife, therapist, leader but also at times also means that I am not clear in my expectations and communicating them. It can mean that I do not lead with the confidence I would like to or that I play small in terms of my goals and ideas. It can mean that I avoid taking up space, having hard conversations that need to happen, or asserting myself and my vision. My goal of setting my word as “Queen” is to embrace my inner leader, my confidence, my self-assuredness, and to really work towards going BIG. Last year, I worked hard to keep my life slowed down and to not take on too much and now I am feeling ready to really challenge myself to lean in and embrace my inner queen and power. Professionally, we are expanding our office space (even though we are still telehealth) and this is something that I want to stop doubting and to just own the choice and the risk. I tend to only do things that I fully believe in and I want to communicate in a more bold way to others around me rather than expressing all my doubts. I want to embrace my role as a boss mom and a leader and to embrace my belief in my ability to lead. I want to play big and stop trying to be small. That is what the word and intention of “Queen” means to me. One of the things I engaged in during 2020 and 2021 was a deeper dive into reflecting on our society and why I, like so many women, play small, try to be small (literally in my physical body and in life), and avoid owning our power. The books, Untamed by Glennon Doyle, The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor, and Burnout by Amelia Nagoski and Emily Nagoski were the foundation of my interest and ability to work to claim my power and confidence. I can’t recommend them enough and would encourage you to check them out if anything I am saying resonates with you as well :) So here we are starting 2022. I am going to bravely hope that I am setting a bold enough intention to challenge me and help me grow this year and that I can go easy on myself when I need it. You see, I try hard to use the lessons of each year’s intention that I have set so that I can use them all. I will be going into 2022 with the themes of Balance, Strength, Faith, Gratitude, Abundance, Nurture, Enough, Grace, and Queen. If you would like to read more about my blog posts about setting intentions - check them out below! 2021 Blog Post (My word is not included, this is a reflection of trying to ease into 2021) 2020 Blog Post - Nurture 2019 Blog Post - Enough 2018 Blog Post - Abundance 2017 Blog Post - Gratitude 3 Questions to Help You Choose an Intention At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  If you are a regular Thrive blog reader, you will have noticed that I have not blogged in quite some time. Initially, I was just focused on some other areas of the business and my client and family needs and then this fall, our family life became very intense due to a Covid school closure after a planned school break and I feel like I am just now catching my breath over here! With everything that has happened recently, I have not been the only one in my family struggling unfortunately. My son, Luca, who I adore, has seemed to also be struggling a bit. I have to admit that this recent period of challenge threw me for a loop! While I routinely work with my clients on remembering that their child’s development is not linear and to avoid catastrophic thinking, I struggled with this myself recently. You see, Luca, who has been in daycare his whole life essentially, started struggling with going to school after the planned vacation/time away, new school year, and then a two week closure due to Covid. Things are improving now, but wow, this really was tough for me as well! I thought it might be helpful to share about this as it has helped me clarify certain things about parenting that can be so tough for all of us, even me. Here are my suggestions when you are dealing with a bump in your child’s development and believe me, these are all things I incorporated eventually and were helpful for me as well!
Here is what it looked like for us in that situation… Luca would comment in the morning that he did not want to go to school. I would reply with “I hear you love, you don’t want to go to school” and then a few minutes later would direct him to the next task on our morning routine like brushing teeth. He would often keep commenting and at times crying a bit and I would tell him, “I know you don’t want to go to school love, this is really hard for you right now. And I believe you can handle it because we can do hard things.” This pattern continued with him sharing his feelings with me, and I would welcome him sharing about it and listen, validate his experience, while affirming that I am confident he will be okay and not giving any room for him to think he can negotiate by being unsure about his need to go to school. While this didn’t always feel great because I would rather he go to school happily, it was certainly better than the power struggles we could have had! Lately, we seem to be in a better place where this is coming up periodically but not daily which is a relief. We only had one truly explosive and aggressive meltdown directly outside of school, which is also a relief. I am grateful for the reminder of things I know in my heart to be true, which is that kids will struggle and it is okay. They will struggle, we will not know what to do, and it will work out eventually. Plus, this experience strengthens our ability to pivot as parents and our kids’ ability to cope with challenges as they get older. We just need to focus on our connection and relationship with them to get through those times as well as our village. In case you are curious, my village involves my team at Thrive and I am so grateful for them and their ability to support parents. If you are in need of support as a parent, please feel free to reach out to us as we truly get it and want to help! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. |
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