Thrive Therapy Blog

Meet Dr. Erica Wollerman, our Founder

8/9/2022

By: CanvasRebel
This is an excerpt from an interview between our founder, Dr. Erica Wollerman, and CanvasRebel. To read the interview in full, check it out here!

Alright, Erica thanks for taking the time to share your stories and insights with us today. Can you recount a time when the advice you provided to a client was really spot on? (Please note this response is for education/entertainment purposes only and shouldn’t be construed as advice for the reader)

One of the most common themes that comes up in my work, and my life personally, is around limits. People often really struggle to know their limits in the sense of “how much can I take on, how much more can I do, or am I doing too much?” This is something that resonates with me personally as well and I have finally understood a better way to approach the questions around doing too much or not enough. The thing I encourage people to consider is that everything, and I mean everything, has a cost. Since I work often with working parents who have demanding careers, this is so true for them and for me and my family. For example, if you are choosing to work hard for a promotion or have a job that is too demanding for you, the cost might be to your energy, ability to engage with your kids, or mental health. I usually frame conversations about our choices in this light and understanding the cost so that we can make more conscious choices. Otherwise, we end up with unrealistic expectations that will just never be met.

Awesome – so before we get into the rest of our questions, can you briefly introduce yourself to our readers.

I founded Thrive Therapy Studio in 2017 after approximately 11 years in the field of mental health and therapy. I am a licensed clinical psychologist and I LOVE working with working parents who are struggling to balance it all. Since I have a background working with children with a variety of diagnoses, my understanding of children informs my work with parents to help benefit the whole family. I am a firm believer that if parents are coping better, their kids will also be coping better. My approach is similar to my parenting style – firm with lots of compassion and understanding. I am most proud of being gable to develop an office where my team loves to work, our clients love to come, and where we truly can support the whole family.

We also wanted to share with you some pictures of our updated office! We have expanded our office space so that we can better serve our community, increase our in person session offerings, and further grow our team!

Check them out below!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

4 Themes From Encanto to Explore With Your Child

3/16/2022

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

If your house is anything like ours, Encanto has been watched, and listened to, A LOT! It’s very cute because my son has picked up on the fact that I love this movie as well so when he really wants to watch something and connect with me he will ask for “Encanto and popcorn.” Something that I really love about this movie is how many amazing themes it incorporates and provides concrete ways to discuss some really tough things in life. Like how hard it can be to feel that others expect you to be able to solve every problem (Luisa) or how we might feel our value is only in being “perfect” (Isabella). Or, how much a family is impacted by trying to hide difficult things and not talking about them (Bruno and Mirabel). So, I thought it might be helpful to share a bit about how I, as a child therapist and parent, use the film to explore topics with my son (who is 4 so some of this is for younger kids).

One of my son’s favorite questions about the movie is, why didn’t Mirabel get a gift?
What a great question right? This is a great way to talk about how the family has secrets and is not dealing with the hard things coming up so the magic seemed to find a way to force them to talk about it. First, by trying to show something was wrong by not giving her a gift, and second, by giving Bruno a vision about her. I use this question as a way to weave in the importance of facing our problems and dealing with hard things. We talk about how the magic was there to help the family and that because Abuela wanted to protect the magic by always being of service to everyone and holding tight to “sunshine”, it started to break down. Pretending everything is okay all the time causes harm. Just ask poor Tia Pepa always trying to imagine “clear skies” instead of dancing in the rain!

Another helpful topic is using Luisa’s struggles to explore how it’s okay to ask for help and not be strong all the time. With older kids, it can help to use her situation to explore how unrealistic expectations are the hardest pressures to deal with in life. With my son, I talk about how Luisa feels that she needs to do everything because she is so strong but that it is okay to take a break, ask for help, and that one person should never be the one in a family shouldering all the problems or challenges. We talk about how families are a team and how we need to help each other.

Onto one of my favorite topics of all time, perfection! Specifically, perfection is not a great goal. My son and I talk a lot about how Isabella felt that she had to be a certain way, perfect, to be loved and of use in the family but that when she allowed herself to feel things fully, she was happier and more herself. We love watching her sing and dance and create things totally her own. I think this is a great image for parents when they are considering what they hope for in their child’s life. Instead of perfect Isabella who seemed pretty unhappy at times, we should hope for an Isabella who dances in the magic of her own creations with joy.

Now back to Mirabel of course. While my son loves asking about how she didn’t get a gift, as a therapist, I know a secret. She did get a gift. The gift of empathy. Watching how she was able to connect with all of her family members so well to truly see them, what they needed, and to show them love through their struggles was truly beautiful. Especially as a therapist because she reminded me of what we do every day in our offices. Even if others may not always understand, we know that the Isabella we want is the one who is messy and joyful, not “perfect,” and that the Luisa we want is the one who is resting and helpful because she chooses it, not because her worth is tied to her productivity. While disrupting family patterns is not always easy, it certainly is brave and it was heartwarming to see her family embrace her and the magic reward them all by coming back. Hopefully, all of our lives can embrace a bit of magic that helps us move more in the direction of doing things in line with who we truly are.

Perfect Parenting is NOT the Goal

2/9/2022

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

As parents, there is so much pressure on us to try to do everything right, perfectly, or as well as possible as we raise our children. I think this has a lot to do with how much information there is regarding parenting and child development that we have access to. Additionally, there has been a shift culturally with people relating challenges they experience in their life to the parenting they received as a child.

As a therapist, this connection between past and present is often a topic in my sessions both with adults and often young adults. It certainly has been a topic of my own personal therapy sessions! Interestingly, since my clinical work also focuses heavily on parenting, and since I have become a mom and felt this immense pressure on parents myself, I also have a slightly different perspective on this tendency to expect parents to be perfect.

I fundamentally believe that it is impossible to parent perfectly. I also don’t think that it is a goal we should even have, and not just because it is impossible to accomplish but also because it is actually not helpful for our children to have perfect parents. I know this might sound strange to some of you, particularly if you don’t read my blog often, but our children are not served well by being led by people who are doing things perfectly.

You see, how to repair things with the people we love after we mess up is one of the most important things we figure out in our lives. How can we possibly learn how to do this if we have parents who never mess up and as such, never need to repair?

So, parents, a crucial part of parenting is acknowledging and accepting that you will not be perfect and that you will inevitably screw up, possibly in big ways. Once you can accept this, you can hopefully also open yourself up to learning how to repair with your child when you do mess up. Perhaps you mess up by yelling in response rather than calmly explaining things to them. In this situation, the best thing to do is to reconnect and repair with your child once you feel calm.

These moments are surprisingly simple, but can be challenging not to fill in with unnecessary words and emotion. The best strategy is to take a compassionate yet matter of fact approach and to explain, “yesterday when I yelled at you, I was wrong. I am so sorry and imagine you may have felt scared, upset, or sad. You have every right to feel that way. I am sorry for doing that and will try my best to speak to you calmly in the future. I love you and you do not deserve to be yelled at.”

Another way to handle things in the moment is to stop yourself, slow down, and simply explain that you do not like the way you are responding to them and ask if you can “restart.” If you can easily reconnect, go for it! If your child is reluctant to reconnect and restart, allow them time to feel their feelings and find time later to acknowledge what happened and that you messed up, similar to the above situation.

For many of us who had parents who never apologized or acknowledged their challenges, this is likely to feel very uncomfortable! The good news in this current parenting culture is that we are doing things differently so that opens us up to consider what we might have appreciated or what might have helped us as people when we were kids. Then, we can simply try our best to do that. And for those of us whose parents did not apologize, just imagine what it would feel like if your parent truly acknowledged the mistakes they made, your feelings, and allowed a conversation about that now. It would do wonders for your healing, growth, and relationship!

We all have an opportunity to create this kind of family climate from this point forward.

Let’s do it - imperfectly of course.

Setting an Intention for 2022 - Are we sure? Do we dare?

1/6/2022

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

So, my title is a bit in jest but also a reflection of the turbulent times we are in yet again as we start 2022. Honestly, it has been a whirlwind of a start for our family in 2022. We had a Covid scare that really shook me up and while everyone is okay (and testing negative), the steep rise in cases feels reminiscent of 2020 for me. It feels strange to just continue with life and making plans but it also would feel strange not to make plans for this year as I am also tired of just getting by!

So here I am, writing my annual blog about setting an intention for this year, wondering if it is a good idea at all since everything feels so uncertain yet again. Obviously, since I am still writing, I think it is a good idea but I also understand if anyone wants to take this year off from planning. I mean, we are all exhausted from plans, canceled plans, dashed hopes, and the struggle of managing our lives in light of a pandemic that seems to upend everything just when you get comfortable. So, dear reader, you have my full permission to just stop reading and stop planning and to cautiously enter into this year with the hopes that we make it through as unscathed as possible.

For those of you who want to set an intention, I fully encourage you to consider going easy with your plans. As I said last year, we need pandemic goals, not normal goals! I believe that it is important to counteract hustle and grind culture with some ease and grace. This is why last year, I set the intention of Grace. Interestingly, I had almost forgotten that but when I reflect on the year, I feel I held grace to just get through and to rest, read, recharge, and recover as much as I could. Now, I feel ready for something else but if you have not yet been able to rest, recharge, process, recover, etc. please consider setting your goals around this!

My word this year is “Queen.” While that might sound super bold and ambitious, the meaning is slightly different for me. You see, my name, Erica, actually means Queen (or at least I was told that by all the things I read as a kid and now it seems to refer to “Eternal Ruler” from all my google searching). I still remember how awful I felt about the idea of being a ruler or queen. See, I’ve always played kind of small and thought of myself as wanting to be small, unnoticeable, and not a Queen but something dainty like a princess. For some reason, even as a child, the word Queen was something that scared me and the power of it was not something I wanted to claim. Now I understand that this is likely due to systemic factors like misogyny and patriarchy but also my personality and being more of a people pleasing person.

As I’ve aged (gracefully I hope), I have realized that my fear of my own strength, power, and abilities has only hindered me both personally and professionally. My self-doubt and humble nature at times make me a better mom, wife, therapist, leader but also at times also means that I am not clear in my expectations and communicating them. It can mean that I do not lead with the confidence I would like to or that I play small in terms of my goals and ideas. It can mean that I avoid taking up space, having hard conversations that need to happen, or asserting myself and my vision.

My goal of setting my word as “Queen” is to embrace my inner leader, my confidence, my self-assuredness, and to really work towards going BIG. Last year, I worked hard to keep my life slowed down and to not take on too much and now I am feeling ready to really challenge myself to lean in and embrace my inner queen and power.

Professionally, we are expanding our office space (even though we are still telehealth) and this is something that I want to stop doubting and to just own the choice and the risk. I tend to only do things that I fully believe in and I want to communicate in a more bold way to others around me rather than expressing all my doubts. I want to embrace my role as a boss mom and a leader and to embrace my belief in my ability to lead. I want to play big and stop trying to be small. That is what the word and intention of “Queen” means to me.

One of the things I engaged in during 2020 and 2021 was a deeper dive into reflecting on our society and why I, like so many women, play small, try to be small (literally in my physical body and in life), and avoid owning our power. The books, Untamed by Glennon Doyle, The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor, and Burnout by Amelia Nagoski and Emily Nagoski were the foundation of my interest and ability to work to claim my power and confidence. I can’t recommend them enough and would encourage you to check them out if anything I am saying resonates with you as well :)

So here we are starting 2022. I am going to bravely hope that I am setting a bold enough intention to challenge me and help me grow this year and that I can go easy on myself when I need it. You see, I try hard to use the lessons of each year’s intention that I have set so that I can use them all. I will be going into 2022 with the themes of Balance, Strength, Faith, Gratitude, Abundance, Nurture, Enough, Grace, and Queen.

If you would like to read more about my blog posts about setting intentions - check them out below!

2021 Blog Post (My word is not included, this is a reflection of trying to ease into 2021)

2020 Blog Post - Nurture

2019 Blog Post - Enough

2018 Blog Post - Abundance

2017 Blog Post - Gratitude

3 Questions to Help You Choose an Intention

Getting Through Tough Times as a Parent - A Therapist’s Personal Reflection

10/25/2021

If you are a regular Thrive blog reader, you will have noticed that I have not blogged in quite some time. Initially, I was just focused on some other areas of the business and my client and family needs and then this fall, our family life became very intense due to a Covid school closure after a planned school break and I feel like I am just now catching my breath over here!

With everything that has happened recently, I have not been the only one in my family struggling unfortunately. My son, Luca, who I adore, has seemed to also be struggling a bit. I have to admit that this recent period of challenge threw me for a loop! While I routinely work with my clients on remembering that their child’s development is not linear and to avoid catastrophic thinking, I struggled with this myself recently. You see, Luca, who has been in daycare his whole life essentially, started struggling with going to school after the planned vacation/time away, new school year, and then a two week closure due to Covid. Things are improving now, but wow, this really was tough for me as well! I thought it might be helpful to share about this as it has helped me clarify certain things about parenting that can be so tough for all of us, even me.

Here are my suggestions when you are dealing with a bump in your child’s development and believe me, these are all things I incorporated eventually and were helpful for me as well!

Breathe. Take a break. Enjoy the fun moments with your child. Even during difficult times, it is crucial that we communicate love and joy to our child. Even after Luca was having explosive meltdowns about not wanting to go to school, I tried to connect with him and help us both remember how much love we have for each other and how much I love him. I really tried to remember that he is doing the best he can and that he is struggling, which is okay, even if it is hard.
Talk to your “go to” parent friends. Get support. Even as someone who offers parents support on a daily basis, without judgment, I initially struggled with talking about what was happening and my fears. I am truly lucky that I have a great group of friends and colleagues that I can lean on, but it was still hard to reach out and share just how much I was struggling with this situation. When I did though, my friends were supportive and shared similar situations that they went through. Not only did this help me feel less alone, scared, and crazy - it helped me remember that most of the time these situations are temporary.
Keep it in perspective. As I mentioned above, most of the time these situations are temporary. Once I was able to get some support from my friends and family, I realized that I was completely catastrophizing the situation. Partially because of my work and seeing how difficult it can be to parent a child who doesn’t like school and might eventually struggle intensely with school refusal, I was very scared that we were heading down a difficult path. It really helped for me to remember that kids go through bumps, and they usually come out on the other side just fine.
Empathize and validate while holding boundaries. One of the most interesting things that I have reflected on for me about this situation was that I felt an instant need to solve the problem. You see, Luca had a very big meltdown one day going to school seemingly out of the blue (not necessarily true but it happened with such a delay after the vacation, school closure, and class change that it took me by surprise). I immediately began thinking of behavioral strategies like sticker charts that could help us get through this quickly. I was honestly anxious and very worn out from the past month myself and just couldn’t tolerate the idea of struggling with something after we finally had him back in school. While I was talking with my support system, I realized that this might not be a quick fix but it also likely wouldn’t be permanent and was something we could get through with skills I have well developed - empathy and validation plus boundaries. I remember one of the conversations I had where I realized this, oh, so to help Luca, I should just be a therapist about it? While funny now, I felt a bit silly that I had looked for so many quick answers instead of going to strategies that I myself recommend to parents!

Here is what it looked like for us in that situation… Luca would comment in the morning that he did not want to go to school. I would reply with “I hear you love, you don’t want to go to school” and then a few minutes later would direct him to the next task on our morning routine like brushing teeth. He would often keep commenting and at times crying a bit and I would tell him, “I know you don’t want to go to school love, this is really hard for you right now. And I believe you can handle it because we can do hard things.” This pattern continued with him sharing his feelings with me, and I would welcome him sharing about it and listen, validate his experience, while affirming that I am confident he will be okay and not giving any room for him to think he can negotiate by being unsure about his need to go to school. While this didn’t always feel great because I would rather he go to school happily, it was certainly better than the power struggles we could have had!

Lately, we seem to be in a better place where this is coming up periodically but not daily which is a relief. We only had one truly explosive and aggressive meltdown directly outside of school, which is also a relief. I am grateful for the reminder of things I know in my heart to be true, which is that kids will struggle and it is okay. They will struggle, we will not know what to do, and it will work out eventually. Plus, this experience strengthens our ability to pivot as parents and our kids’ ability to cope with challenges as they get older.

We just need to focus on our connection and relationship with them to get through those times as well as our village. In case you are curious, my village involves my team at Thrive and I am so grateful for them and their ability to support parents. If you are in need of support as a parent, please feel free to reach out to us as we truly get it and want to help!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

Why controlling our kids is not the goal and we should be working to embrace who they are instead…

4/23/2021

As the parent of a particularly strong willed toddler myself, I really understand when parents tell me they just want their kids to do the things they ask of them or are supposed to do or have been taught by the parents all their lives. Believe me, I get this in every fiber of my being (especially when that thing is as simple as just put your shoes on so that we can leave and I am not late for my clients!!!! Rough morning over here haha.).

While I might get it, I actively work to avoid having CONTROL be the goal in our family. I definitely appreciate and love the days when our son is more easy going and seems able to do what we ask more easily. However, I work hard to recognize that if the only reason he is doing things is because of me or my illusion of control over him, we are likely to have a bigger problem, now and in the future.

You see, the goal in my eyes is to have kids figure themselves out more than anything else. For them to figure out who they are, what they like, what they want in their lives, and who they want to be as a person. Unfortunately, the more parents exert control, expectations, and decisions over them - the less the kid is figuring themselves out and the more they are figuring out how to be what their parents want them to be. This worries me both as a parent and as a therapist.

Here’s why… My observation of what makes people the most miserable in their lives is not the actual feelings they have. It’s the judgment of their feelings and a lack of understanding of themselves, self-awareness, and insight that could help them figure out what they really want to be doing. The more we just go along with others’ plans for us or shame ourselves for our deepest desires, the more we lose our ability to key into our own needs, feelings, thoughts, etc. and the more likely we are to end up living lives that just are not fulfilling or enjoyable for us.

When we as parents are so focused on the outcomes from our kids’ actions (or lack of actions), we lose sight of what we should be focusing on such as the following questions:

Who is our child?
What drives them?
What do they love doing?
When do they seem most at home in their bodies, personalities, and selves?
What do they think?

I could go on but I think that is a good start. Often, the parents we work with at Thrive become somewhat hyper focused on what their kids are doing in terms of achievement as they really really want them to be set up for success in our world. I understand why they want this and their fear of possible negative outcomes. We live in such a competitive world and environment that we can get caught up in scarcity and the idea that there are right or wrong ways to find success.

Unfortunately, the hard truth is that we can not control the outcomes for our children and we certainly can not control who our children are going to be. We can not guarantee that they will be successful in their careers, relationships, or financially or that they will develop with the values or views on life that we hold dear.

What we can do instead is focus on how we can help them develop their own goals, plans, dreams, and decision making skills from the security of a strong relationship with us as their parents. We do this by building on and supporting them from a kid-centric perspective, rather than a top down society or parent perspective of what they should be doing or who they should become.

While this might feel strange particularly in our world of over-parenting and lawnmower parenting (that’s the one where parents mow down every obstacle for their kids), it’s just a different path to getting the outcome most parents are looking for anyways.

Most parents want their kids to become responsible adults who can care for themselves. The best way we can get there is to get to know our kids in order to help us (and them) understand how they function best, what they need, how they feel, and what they want in their lives so that we can support them along the way and they can make choices that truly fulfill their dreams and deepest visions for their lives.

We need to accept that we can not truly control who our kids turn out to be.

That’s it… the most important parenting goal is to actually just release our illusions of control and accept the truth that our kids come into the world with their own personalities, goals, feelings, and perceptions of the world.

While our illusion of control eases our anxiety in terms of wanting to be able to control outcomes for our kids, it is just not accurate or helpful. As a therapist I have watched parents try to mold and form their children into the people they want them to be and it just does not work. It makes kids miserable and honestly leads to negative mental health outcomes like worthlessness, hopelessness, and even self-injury or suicidal thoughts and actions.

Anytime you find yourself as a parent feeling like you are losing control, try to recognize that the control you are losing was not real anyway. While you can definitely set certain boundaries with your kids (and I encourage you to set them), you can not change what your kids interests are, how they experience the world (like trying to toughen up a more sensitive kid), and you will be doing harm by trying to change them instead of learning and embracing who they are.

What makes transitions so hard anyways?

4/16/2021

I was talking with a colleague about the transition that so many families are experiencing this week with their kids going back to school in person in San Diego. It is such a difficult transition and it was interesting to reflect together about what makes these transitions so tough right now. I think there are so many reasons but wanted to share just a piece of what we came up with to help parents, or even students, have some context for what they are experiencing.

It’s important to preface this with a basic understanding that transitions are always really tough. Even positive transitions like marriage or graduating college or a new home are so stressful and tough because of the changes they bring in your life. As humans, we inherently resist change even when we know they are positive.

What is crucial to know is that any transition layered on top of other changes or uncertainties in your life are inevitably much more challenging. And here's the thing… we are still in a pandemic and many of us are just running on empty emotionally. Especially families whose kids have been home for over a year. Which leads to my first thought about why this is so hard…

Less emotional bandwidth means less ability emotionally to process and make space for emotions and changes. We are asking a lot of ourselves when we are pushed to make changes that we are not entirely ready for, comfortable with, all while we are just drained and exhausted anyways.
There is also a nuanced reason that is particular to the pandemic which is the reason we needed to stay home with our kids. We needed to do this for all of our safety so it feels extra uncomfortable and strange to send them out into the world again when their safety still feels so uncertain.
We also have had to practice some level of compartmentalization in terms of how we coped with the pandemic. In order to stay home and avoid so many of the things many of us enjoyed and loved (like social gatherings), we had to really embrace this new way of life and avoid thinking about just how much we missed those things. In order to cope and adjust well, we had to essentially forget just what is so good about being together. So I think this makes it hard to remember why we liked to do things like send our kids to school or go into the office - we are simply out of the practice of thinking of the good things about in person events!
Additionally, many of the parents out there are feeling so much decision fatigue. SInce every decision for our families became challenging and exponentially more complicated and stressful (is this grocery tip risking my family’s health???), so many parents are just worn out from having to think about so much all the time and make so many decisions that feel so hard. Adding the choice of if your kid goes back to school or not makes it that much more challenging. For many people, it has felt like there are just no good options these days.

The good news is that we do have practice at pivoting our expectations and working through really hard situations, particularly as a result of the past year of pandemic life. While I can’t guarantee that things will get any simpler in terms of decision making, I do think it is natural that in times of such dramatic upheaval, we are going to struggle to let go of routines. Even the ones we might not love, like doing math with our kids!

The biggest question is - How can we work through this?
Well, I think that the best thing we can do right now is show ourselves some self-compassion and have a lot of compassion for our kids as they go through this transition with us. Honestly, we are likely to be more anxious, emotional, and a bit on edge while the kids go back and some of us will probably cope better than others in a family. I think making sure that you can recognize the challenge of what we are dealing with and understand that it will get better gradually will also help. Sometimes it is our judgment of our own reactions that is the most upsetting so if we can hold space for any feelings and reaction we have right now that will certainly help ease this transition.

We can also remember that our discomfort is likely temporary. Just like we adjusted to the way of life during the pandemic, we will eventually adjust to the odd in-between phase we are in now and find a new equilibrium.

Keep in mind that we are all in this together too. Though people are having different and varied reactions to the return to school, everyone is likely to feel something in reaction to the adjustment we are experiencing!

5 Ways to help your Kids Transition Back to School

3/19/2021

As many schools are considering returning to in person learning, so many kids and their parents are feeling concerned about both safety in this setting but also how to manage the transition itself of returning to school in person. Here are some thoughts about how parents can support their kids in adjusting to being in person particularly because it is likely to be different from the last time they were in school due to masks and social distancing. Plus, it is extra strange because we have all been home for so long so this is truly a unique situation!

1. Manage expectations
One of the most important things we can do as parents is to really manage our own expectations of this situation as well as our kids’ expectations. Talking through what your kids think things will be like and making sure to present whatever you know to be true (in terms of limits around socializing or mask wearing or partitions, etc.) so that they can have the most appropriate expectations possible will help. We want to essentially avoid them thinking it will be just like it has been before at school so that they are not surprised. I think it is helpful to also manage expectations about how it might feel to be back and not paint them in an overly glowing light as it is likely to be challenging and wonderful all at once.

2. Give ample time for discussions about it ahead of time
Sometimes when parents or kids are worried about something, it can feel easier to avoid thinking or talking about it until you have to. This is a situation that I think might require more conversations ahead of time to explore expectations, emotions, thoughts, fears, etc. Giving your child some space and time to think about it as well as to talk about it together before the week of going back to school will help. Maybe just checking in once a week for the 3-4 weeks ahead of time would be a helpful tool for your child to track the time leading to going back as well as to allow some emotions to come up to process ahead of time if possible.

3. Consider the pros and cons of returning to school
For so long, we have been living in a pandemic that seemed to require we forget just how much we loved our past lives. In order to cope, we have had to focus A LOT on the pros of staying home and avoid thinking about the cons. Now it is time to flip this situation and focus more on the pros of going back to school and the cons of staying home. There certainly are cons to going back but if you are committed to having your child go back to school, you want to spend just some time on exploring those so that you have validate their feelings, and then try to help them elicit their own pros of going back and cons of staying home. Try to be open about your own mixed feelings as well as acknowledge that their responses are expected after this much time at home.

4. Consider the situation
Similarly, we want to make sure to help our kids understand the context of their reaction. If they are anxious or scared or angry about going back, let’s give them some context around that to help them understand their own reactions. Anxiety is totally normal and expected after being home for so long particularly as we have been told that staying home is saving our lives and those of our loved ones and community members. Of course it feels scary to stop doing that! Anger also makes a lot of sense as we have lost so much control in our lives that it might feel frustrating to feel that we are not in control of this choice either. While most schools offer a choice between virtual or hybrid learning, a lot of it is out of our control and as parents, we might be making the choice we think is better long term for our kids even if they are opposed. This makes sense so make sure to help explain the context of the situation to your children so that they do not think they are alone in their feelings.

5. Validate their feelings and change plans as needed
As I have been alluding to, make sure to explore and validate your child’s feelings. They are most likely expected and normal reactions to a super abnormal situation. If your child is adamant about not going back, maybe set a timeline with them of how long they will try it out before going back to virtual learning (if that’s a possibility for you and your family). It can help to let them know this is temporary in that it could change or in that it is only for a few months before summer and can help them get ready for the fall, when school is likely to be full time in person. A gradual reintegration to school might be helpful in particular for kids who are anxious or upset about going back to school.

I hope these tips are helpful in this big transition back to some semblance of normalcy. If you or you family need additional support, please do not hesitate to reach out to us at Thrive or to another mental health provider in your area!

Silver linings from a year of pandemic life

3/12/2021

It is wild to me to think about how, one year ago, I had no idea what all of us were going to be dealing with for the entire next year. Like everyone else, my family and I had plans. My team and I at Thrive had plans - big plans. We had no idea that so many of them would become absolutely impossible and that our daily lives would become as difficult as they did.

During each one of my client sessions, this topic has come up more recently as we reflect on just how amazing it is that we have been living in a pandemic for just about a year. The topic of reflecting on the year we have just experienced. While for some, this reflection might feel a bit morose, I think it can be helpful for us to reflect and take note both of the challenges but also of the silver linings we have experienced.

Here are some questions (and my answers!) that can help guide you and your family in this reflection. As we have gone through this year as a family, I think it can be helpful to discuss this together particularly if you have older kids who are very aware of the pandemic and changes in their life.

1. What was an unexpected outcome from the pandemic that you didn’t expect or were surprised by?
For me, learning to live my life more slowly has been certainly challenging but necessary and a huge improvement overall. I was definitely one of those parents who took my kiddo everywhere and had lots of plans all the time and being forced to slow down has been nice in some ways. Granted, my goal now is to find more of a middle ground between being out and about and staying home.

2. What is your happiest moment of the past year?
So who wrote this question? Oh, I guess that was me but still, that is seriously a tough one! I’ve really focused on practicing gratitude for small moments daily so it is tough to think of just one happy moment when my life has been filled with enjoyable moments with my clients, snuggles with my toddler, and truly appreciating small things like delivery and coffee! I’m going to go with the day we got our kittens as that was truly joyful but I’m sure there have been many more.

3. Have any of your relationships changed as a result of the pandemic?
Yes for sure. I feel closer to my husband and our son despite the fact that being home so often has led me to also be more irritated with them and feel I need time alone in a cabin to recover! When I think about it though, I do feel that we are closer and understand each other better. I am also so much more appreciative of my friendships and relationships with my family who live out of state. It has been a solid test of how we maintain communication and relationships without plans to see each other and I think it has helped us be closer in some ways.

4. Have you felt more gratitude about anyone or anything in your life as a result of the pandemic?
1000% yes. Absolutely. I am so grateful for both the people and things that remain in my life and the things that I am missing out on (travel, friends, etc.). The saving grace for me during this time has been that after fearing everything would be taken away from me in my business and fearing that our family might not survive the pandemic, I feel grateful daily for both my career and my loved ones health. I also feel more grateful to be working in a field where, while talking about covid and what we have experienced all the time is not always fun, it definitely has helped me understand myself and the world more.

5. Have you learned anything about yourself during this time that you feel you might not have learned otherwise (or perhaps that was accelerated by the situation)?
Learning that it is okay not to always do more and to be grateful for maintaining my business has been a huge lesson for me. I had very big goals last year of adding on a lot to my professional plate and it was so sad for me to give that up in the first months of the pandemic. However, since that time, I feel happier, more balanced, and more able to appreciate what I have rather than always trying to do more. I also think that I have been more present and able to just play and relax with my kiddo, which has been a true joy (most of the time, he is 3 and it’s not all sunshine and rainbows over here!).

6. Bonus question - what little conveniences are you thrilled to have and hope stay even after the pandemic?
Target and other places who allow pick up from your car! It’s amazing!

I hope these questions help you and your family reflect on the past year and exactly what we have gone through and how we have changed, hopefully for the better. If you or your loved ones could use some support during this time, we are still accepting new clients at Thrive!

The Pandemic Wall - What is it and what do we do to cope?

3/6/2021

If you are like me, you may have been hearing about the “pandemic wall” lately. A great question about this is - what the heck does that even mean? So, I thought we should chat a bit about it here and what you can do about it.

Pretty much the pandemic wall is something that many people have been experiencing (from what I have observed and experienced myself) since January or intermittently since January or even just is popping up now. And it means simply what it says - that we are collectively hitting a wall with the pandemic.

More and more we feel exhausted by the burden of living with the fear of a deadly virus.

We feel exhausted by having to think about safety and sanitizing things all the time.

We feel just so sick of all of this that we are more worn out, weary, anxious, apathetic even.

We are lonely deep in our souls. So lonely.

To put it bluntly, we are SO OVER IT.

I have to say that after a year of doing this life, many of us expect to be adjusted or that it will get easier. I can’t emphasize enough that this is not how this works (unfortunately). We are an inherently social species and the isolation, anxiety, pressure, and just heaviness of the past year is taking a toll on all of us, even those who seem fine. All in all, it makes sense that as we reach a milestone in this journey and come up on a year, or enter a new year where we can no longer say, oh well that’s just 2020, that things are increasingly difficult.

When we are trying to force ourselves to adjust to an unsustainable way of living our lives, we are not going to actually adjust. We can cope, we can survive, but actual adjustment is unlikely because it is by definition not sustainable.

So, what do we do?

Good question. Unfortunately, I don’t have any magic here. No wands, no magic to make this easier for all of us. Believe me, if I did, I would be using it!

I think the hard truth is that we keep going as best we can. We take it one day at a time and do the next right thing for ourselves and our families. There are a few things that might help that process and that is this… we need to be compassionate with ourselves, allow ourselves our emotions and inner temper tantrums, and continue letting rules be relaxed when we need them to be. We can also focus on the small things that help us cope or are enjoyable, like a snuggle with a pet or child, a great cup of coffee, or doing something outside again. The little things will help us get from day to day but might not change just how over it we all are. That’s okay. We don’t need to change that part as much as we might want to. We just need to accept and acknowledge that this is still a hard path to walk. But we will keep going and try to find some hope when we can that this will be over someday.

Hang in there world!

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Meet Dr. Erica Wollerman, our Founder

By: CanvasRebel
This is an excerpt from an interview between our founder, Dr. Erica Wollerman, and CanvasRebel. To read the interview in full, check it out here!

We also wanted to share with you some pictures of our updated office! We have expanded our office space so that we can better serve our community, increase our in person session offerings, and further grow our team!

Check them out below!

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Silver linings from a year of pandemic life

The Pandemic Wall - What is it and what do we do to cope?

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By: CanvasRebel This is an excerpt from an interview between our founder, Dr. Erica Wollerman, and CanvasRebel. To read the interview in full, check it out here!

We also wanted to share with you some pictures of our updated office! We have expanded our office space so that we can better serve our community, increase our in person session offerings, and further grow our team! Check them out below!

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Blogs from the Thrive Family!

Categories

Archives

Call Today! 858-342-1304

Contact Us

By: CanvasRebel
This is an excerpt from an interview between our founder, Dr. Erica Wollerman, and CanvasRebel. To read the interview in full, check it out here!

We also wanted to share with you some pictures of our updated office! We have expanded our office space so that we can better serve our community, increase our in person session offerings, and further grow our team!

Check them out below!