 By: Dr. Erica WollermanAs a therapist, I find it fascinating that parents often tell me that they just want their kids to be happy. In our culture as a whole, we are immensely focused on happiness as well as achievements. I think parents are often surprised when I tell them that these are actually not my first concerns or priorities when it comes to their children and their mental health. Of course, it is nice if people feel happy. However, I prefer that we focus on helping children and teens become resilient, resourceful, kind, compassionate, responsible, and emotionally aware people. I will add on that I hope for all of them that they find success in whatever way they define it. In my eyes, happiness is the wrong thing to focus on. And achievements are even more wrong. Here’s why… Happiness: I have many issues with the focus on happiness but I will try not to bore you with a lengthy description of all of them here! My big issues are as follows. Happiness is not a permanent state. Happiness is not something you can check off on a list of things to do. Happiness is an amazing, but often fleeting, emotional state that is while lovely, not realistic to last very long at all. When we focus so much on helping our kids be happy, I believe that we may forget to teach them that it is entirely okay and needed at times to feel other things. More uncomfortable things like sadness, disappointment, frustration, anger, loneliness. Our enjoyable emotions (like happiness) are the flip sides of the same coins as our less enjoyable emotions (like sadness). One does not exist without the other and the message that any one emotion is most important, skews our perception of all emotions and their role in our lives. Emotions are so important for us to experience and this includes all of them, not just the pleasant ones. Emotions are cues to our environment and can be extremely useful depending on the situation. For example, your anger might help you recognize you are in a situation in which you are being mistreated or taken advantage of. It might be important to use your anger to help you muster up the courage to leave that situation. If you’ve been taught that the only okay emotion is happy, it might be harder to identify, access, and express that anger as you might naturally repress it and avoid it. Achievement: The focus on achievement in our society worries me as well for slightly different reasons. I believe that when we focus too much on achievement and productivity, we give our children the message that their worth and value is in their accomplishments, rather than in who they are as people. While they are performing well, this will work out okay for them. But when that stops or something shifts for them, they will no longer feel that they are worthy people. It is so important that we show our children unconditional love and appreciation just for their existence in our lives. We need to tell them that they matter, no matter what they do or don’t do. Our love should never be contingent on achievement. As a culture, we all could relate to our emotions and our achievements (or lack thereof) a bit better. I believe that it is incredibly important for parents to work on their own relationship with their emotions and their achievements so that they can work on passing down messages that they want to pass down to their children, rather than unhelpful ones like “the most important thing is to be happy,” or “you are as good as your accomplishments.” We could pass down more messages like:
If these are not the messages your teen is receiving from you, I invite you to consider how you might communicate these things to them - or call us at Thrive so we can help you and your teen. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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 By: Dr. Erica WollermanDid you know that there is a topic that comes up with every teen, and some pre-teens, that I work with? One topic, with nearly every client in this age range. You might be tempted to think that I am referring to sex or friendships or how much they hate their parents. Nope, that’s not even close. College admissions comes up across the board with every single kid I work with. Not just the super high performing ones but even the ones who are clawing their way, or napping their way through high school. I find it fascinating that not only does every kid talk about this, but most of them feel some level of pressure to get into an Ivy League or very competitive school. This is even with kids who would not necessarily even enjoy that level of education as well as those whose parents have told me in no uncertain terms that they absolutely have not put this pressure on their kids (and I truly believe them!). I have come to the conclusion that the pressure of college admissions is essentially in the air we breathe. Any kid attending school is hearing very early on about how to strategize their admissions for college to optimize success. I have kids who are playing sports they hate, completely overscheduled, not sleeping to take more advanced classes, and are so stressed out and exhausted by graduation that I can’t help but wonder, what are we doing? I wonder this particularly when talking to my colleagues who work in college counseling centers and who are telling me that the students they see are more stressed out, burned out, suicidal, and prone to crises than ever before. I repeat, what are we doing?? While I recognize that this is a totally systemic issue in our country that is not actually led by or driven by MOST parents, I believe that we really need to take stock of what is happening and consciously choose how we respond. We need to really sit with the idea that our teens fundamentally believe that their entire life and future is determined by their high school choices and the college they attend. I believe that we live in a world of dualities. Yes, our choices even in high school are important. No, they do not have to define our world, future, and identity. Yes, we should strive for high achievement. No, our worth does not depend on our achievements. We live in a world where teens are struggling. The pressure they are facing is daunting and leading to increasing rates of anxiety and depression as well as suicide. Every teen that I work with needs to hear the following things from their parents as well as their teachers and anyone else involved in their education, development, and daily life.
If these are not the messages your teen is receiving from you, I invite you to consider how you might communicate these things to them - or call us at Thrive so we can help you and your teen. As the person who listens to teens daily, please believe me that this is important and that they want more reassurance from you than they will ever let on. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  As I mentioned in the first post in this blog series (check it out here!) I wanted to take some time to really explore and discuss what it is like for teens to be teens in our current culture. As a person who grew up in the 80s (apparently that makes me a Xennial or a millennial depending on who you ask), I had a gift of a childhood without much technology or screens. Since I spend a lot of time with our stressed out, anxious, and sad teens these days, I wanted to share with parents more of what I observe and why I genuinely do think that teens have things a bit harder in our current cultural climate. Today, let’s talk about social media. Social media and technology in general are impacting our world to such a dramatic extent. I can’t tell you how often I have conversations with adult clients as well as my teen and child clients about social media and how it feels to see people hanging out without you, or having it all, or pretending to have it all. So often. These are daily events in my office and I can’t help but think that if adultsare struggling to mitigate the images they are seeing and to remember that just because someone’s life looks perfect on facebook, doesn’t mean it is actually perfect or any “better” than yours; then what are our kids and teens thinking? Adolescence is a growing period of independence and development outside of your family and home. During this time, we have a biological desire to fit in and belong with the group due to the social nature of being human and our need for both human connection and safety in a group. This desire is so strong in the teen years that we genuinely do have urges to just go along with what our peers are doing. I remember feeling this way even though I of course didn’t know it was a biological urge rather than just a silly teen thing. I remember being devastated when I found out people all hung out without me in high school over a weekend. The challenge for teens now is that they find out all of this information in real time. They get snapchats, DM’s, and Instagram stories telling them just how much fun everyone else is having without them. Not only that, but they see all of these edited versions of those events that make them look that much more fun, perfect, and enviable. Since social comparison is at an all-time high for teens, having social media only increases the tendency to feel inadequate, less than, and generally like a “loser.” We now have continual access to images and commentary from others to show us just how “not good enough” we all are. For our teens, this is leading to increasing rates of anxiety and depression. And I have to say, it is not that the teen generation is just not “tough enough” as some might think, it is that they most likely lack the skills to help them discern reality from fantasy and real-life connections from fake ones. These are skills that usually take time to develop but are much harder now when we are just inundated with images, connections, and information through social media and not often taught how to evaluate it more critically. I believe social media makes life more challenging for all of us, but definitely makes it harder for our teens and children. What can you do as a parent? So, now we come to the discussion about how parents can help. I believe that discussion and awareness around these challenges and just how normal it is to struggle with feeling insecure, lonely, and like your life is just not good enough while viewing social media or seeing people hang out without you is crucial. Parents can be a catalyst of these conversations and can help their kids manage their use of social media if needed. Taking social media breaks or breaks from internet use in general can be helpful as well as making sure that your child has activities that occur IRL (in real life) rather than only online. This helps develop face to face connections, which can be more meaningful for some people. (I do want to mention that for some people who struggle to connect with people face to face, online connections can be an amazing source of support and a great resource. I believe that for many of us, we thrive on in person relationships but for those who feel uncomfortable or who struggle to develop those in person relationships (which can happen for many reasons), online communication can really be a wonderful source of contact and support and is 100% better than no communication and social contact). Good questions to ask about social media:
As parents, we need to remember that we set the tone in our households and even if our teens are seeming particularly tone-deaf to us and our messages, we are still a huge example for them. So, if your child or teen is struggling with their social media use and the effect of social media on their lives, I would invite you to also consider how you use social media. What kind of example are you setting? Would you want your child/teen to use social media how you do or are there areas you feel you could improve on? With the innovations of technology, parents are really at a disadvantage. This current generation of parenting teens is filled with parenting pioneers who are trying to figure out how to manage these resources for themselves but also for the humans they are responsible for. It’s a lot of pressure and definitely not something to take lightly. At the same time, go easy on yourself. None of us grew up with these things or have a ton of role models in terms of how to set limits and boundaries around social media. The most important thing is to consider how you are talking about it and what messages you are giving your child/teen about what they are seeing and taking in. If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanSince we work often with teens and their parents at Thrive, I wanted to spend some time sharing more about what I observe about how our current culture impacts teens (and their parents). Apparently, what I was hoping to share can’t be expressed in just one blog post so I am planning a series all about teens and parenting teens! This blog series was particularly inspired by some of my conversations recently with my teen clients about how challenging it feels to be a teen in our world. With the pressure of social media, super competitive college admissions, the focus on happiness but also achievement, and increased anxiety and fear – it is genuinely a tough time to be a teen. What I also know is that it is a tough time to be a parent of a teen. I would say that as relentless as the pressures are of adolescence, the pressure on parents is equally relentless! Unfortunately, this leads to patterns and cycles of stress just being transferred back and forth between teens and their parents. Before we talk more about the specific pressures on teens that I am noticing, I wanted to share my thoughts about what teens need most from their parents. It also might be helpful to check out my past posts about the pressures of parenting a teen and tips for parents of teens! 1. Love and Acceptance While many teens become awfully prickly and interactions with them can be challenging for parents, teens genuinely need love, acceptance, and a true sense of belonging from their parents. It’s important to remember that teens struggle with parental authority often because they are trying to figure out how to be their own person and grow away from their family to be on their own as adults. This is difficult and can be reminiscent of the toddler years. Mixed messages are common, as are outward rejections of parents while deep down wanting love, approval, kindness, and affection. It is so important that parents follow their teen’s lead but also provide them with a safe place for them to find genuine caring connections. Even if it gets you an eye roll or irritated glare, show them love and truly try to accept them for who they are becoming. Talk to them about common interests and just ask questions without lecturing or slipping into “parent mode.” Often the teens I work with just want an adult who cares and tries to see it from their side without immediately trying to fix it or tell them the “learning opportunity” in each situation. 2. Boundaries Teens will never, ever tell you but they definitely need boundaries. They need to be able to experiment with things in the world but to have parents who hold them accountable. While I am not a big fan of parents coming down too hard about grades (our academic system is stressful enough for most kids), I do think that most teens need some responsibilities at home. It’s important to learn to pitch in as a family and to learn how to manage personal and academic responsibilities. Make sure that the boundaries you set in place make sense and have some sort of natural consequences. For example, if a teen is struggling to make it home on time/before curfew, maybe they lose their driving privileges for a while. This helps them to learn that privileges involve responsibility which will help them know their limits as well as understand cause and effect in our world. Adults who did not have boundaries during childhood tend to not be the best employees or students later in life. 3. Empathy Do you remember just how difficult and confusing it can be to be a teenager? I certainly do and hold that experience in mind when I work with my teen clients and explore situations that are difficult for them as often what teens need from us is a little empathy. Even if our lives are more stressful or difficult as adults who have a zillion more responsibilities, remember that what they are experiencing is so important to them and genuinely difficult. Part of this is because they only have limited life experience and have difficulty comprehending that their life will not be this way forever. I’ll discuss the gift of perspective more in the next section. Future blogs in this series will also describe the challenges of being a teen currently that we might not always understand as adults who grew up in a very different environment. 4. Perspective I see one of the biggest challenges of being a teen currently is that they genuinely do not know that life is so much more than high school, or what college you go to, or if you have a “thing” with the cute person at school. Teens are amazing because they experience the world very intensely and passionately but this brings the challenge that since they have not had years to adjust to being a more adult like person, like we have all had, they do not realize that their current situation is not everything. I believe a gift we can give them is just a little perspective. And not in terms of telling them how hard adulthood can be, but in terms of helping them know that our lives are always changing and that most experiences are temporary in nature and will not last forever. This is a concept that is much more available to our adult brains than theirs. 5. Space Oh boy do teens need space. They need so many forms of space – space to be themselves and experiment with who they are and want to be; space to make mistakes and totally screw up without us preventing it; space to cope on their own and exist without parent involvement sometimes; space to make their own decisions; and space to change. The more we can let our teens guide things, within certain boundaries and limits of course, the better. They just need a lot of space as they walk their path into adulthood and the more we can give them now, the better they will do on their own later in life. Plus, the less we push our values, goals, judgments, etc. on them, the more likely it is that they will reach back out to us when they are ready. I hope you enjoyed the first blog in this series all about parenting teens and the challenges of teens! Please stay tuned for more blogs to come on this topic and reach out to us at Thrive if you would like support in parenting your teen! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  Dr. Erica WollermanIt’s the start of my third year of working motherhood… and well, where did the time go? No, seriously, time just flies these days as I’m sure many of you can understand also. The truth is, while I feel mostly adjusted to my new life of being a mom and a business owner, it is still such a careful balancing act of roles and resources. In talking with other parents, I know that I am not alone in feeling this way but it can still feel awfully lonely on the more overwhelming days of feeling like you are balancing everything but not doing it very well. I get a mental picture of myself in my waitressing days when I would balance way too many glasses or plates and eventually drop them. Some days I feel a sense of calm, cool control and others it just seems like things are going to drop at any minute. While I really appreciate all of the advice out there about self-care and certainly do add to it at times myself, I think it’s been helpful for me to also recognize that this time in my life is just a hustle. Luckily, for me it is a hustle of things I genuinely enjoy between my work, running a business, having my son and husband. But it is still a hustle. There was a really great post I saw on a working mother facebook group I am a part of where everyone shared the things they let go of in balancing all the things they do. I thought it might be helpful to share a little about what I try to let go of to make my hustle a little more enjoyable!
If you are interested in reading more about my parenting journey – feel free to check out my blogs before having my son and after! I have put the titles for you to easily reference below. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  Some readers might be wondering what autism even is so I thought it might help to share a bit about it before continuing with the blog. In layperson’s terms, autism is term that describes a broad range of conditions that typically involve challenges in social relationships, verbal skills, nonverbal communication, general development, and can include repetitive behaviors or approaching the world in a more rigid, structured way. Because the term “autism” encompasses a wide spectrum of individuals who often experience the world in many different ways, it is difficult to generalize what an autism diagnosis will mean for your family or child. It is best to seek understanding for how your child may or may not experience the world, rather than to project ideas of what this might mean for them onto them. Also keep in mind that many common portrayals of individuals with autism in our media (example of Rain Man) are entirely inaccurate and do not describe everyone. By: Dr. Erica WollermanSince one of my specialties is working with parents of kids with autism and working with individuals on the autism spectrum in general, a question I get asked a lot is about what to do when your child is either screened as being at risk for having autism or newly diagnosed with autism. Particularly because young children are often getting screened for autism starting at their well child visits with their pediatricians around a year of age or younger, this has become much more common for parents to wonder about and experience. In my experience, this can be such an overwhelming process for parents and one that unfortunately, not every pediatrician is skilled at handling well with them. Often, parents are given a long list of resources without much direction as to what would be most helpful for their child or they are steered towards Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) immediately. While ABA can be helpful for some children, it is becoming much more commonly referenced as a therapy to treat almost any childhood challenge. I find this a bit alarming because ABA therapy is very behavioral in nature and at times can miss the more emotional component of what is going on for children. So, what do I recommend to parents with either a newly diagnosed child on the spectrum or a newly screened “at risk” toddler? Step One: Take a deep breath. This sounds silly but I find that parents in this situation are so overwhelmed and overcome with a feeling of urgency to get your child into the “right” treatment or intervention that is going to “fix” them. The thing is, it is okay and preferable to take some time with this experience. Your child is not different today than they were yesterday and while early intervention is very helpful, it is okay if you set it up next week or next month, rather than right this second. It is okay to make sure you are wrapping your head around what is happening first so that you can be a calm place to set up the services you feel comfortable with. In other words, take a deep breath and let yourself sit with this information before you do anything else. A calm, peaceful parent is going to be the most helpful as you go through the next parts of this process. I’d also like to note that there are a lot of myths out there about what it means to have autism and that the reality is not what you may see on TV, movies, or the internet. It is a BIG spectrum with a lot of variability so just because your child might fall somewhere on it, does not mean they will be a certain way or not be a certain way. For example, parents tend to worry that their child will not show them affection if they have autism and this is just not the case for all kids. Some kids are affectionate, some are not and this applies similarly to people on the spectrum too. While having a child with autism can be challenging at times, it is also pretty amazing at times – just like parenting any child. I am of the belief that we all have our struggles, and our children will too, and it is all about figuring out what our children need to thrive. Some of my favorite clients and people have autism and I truly love being able to know them and the way they experience the world. I could go on and on but my point here is simply, try not to panic or overreact to this news. Step Two: Do a little research. By this, I mean that it would be helpful to consider what your child is experiencing and if you fully agree with their diagnosis or at risk status. Have you been having concerns yourself perhaps that their development is not where you think it should be or matching other kids you know or see? When you read more about children with autism, does it match your experience? Do you feel you might want a second opinion? Maybe read a few books or blogs from other parents or experts in the field to help you gage what you are seeing and feeling. Keep in mind that some children are going to get a positive screen and then not end up meeting the criteria for being on the spectrum when they are older. I always say that this is why I am so conservative in diagnosing children and teens because sometimes their symptoms are more developmental than pathological, though they may at times be problematic. Step Three: Seek Consultation I would also encourage you to seek consultation with a therapist or psychologist who specializes in working with children on the spectrum or even to seek out a more formal full developmental assessment. Ideally, this person can help you chart a course of treatment individualized to your family and child’s situation. Often, parents are given so many ideas of what to do (Speech, OT, ABA, individual therapy, group therapy, etc.) that it can be overwhelming. Ideally, you can find someone who can help you determine what your child would benefit most from and start with that method of therapy. Therapists, psychologists, speech, and OT providers can be helpful to consult with to help you determine the best path forward. If you feel your child’s diagnosis is accurate, this is where you want to start collecting treatment options to see what would be a good fit for your family. It might help to join some Facebook groups with other parents in the same situation so that you can check in with what other parents are doing and what their experiences have been with different therapies and providers. I have found that treatment options really vary depending on your child’s presentation and needs so remember that none of this is one size fits all! A great resource in San Diego can be San Diego Regional Center also so this might be a good time to reach out to them. I hope these ideas are helpful to you! If you have questions or are a parent of a newly diagnosed child with autism or even an “at risk” child, feel free to reach out to us to see if we can support you at our office. We love working with parents in parent consultation sessions or even individual therapy to help support you throughout this process. Raising a child who is developing differently can be very challenging at times and we are happy to help however we can! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanI personally absolutely love that the word “adulting” has come to be commonly used. Using a verb to describe what it is like to be an adult really makes sense to me, possibly because I am a millennial or maybe because I remember feeling like I was most definitely not an adult when I turned 18. Sure, I loved the privileges of being an “adult” but I certainly have never loved the responsibility. As I’ve gotten older and am now a mom, wife, business owner, employer, and a new home owner, this has not really changed. I still remember when they let us leave the hospital with our son and my reaction was like, “wait, are you sure? We’re the mom and dad now, uh oh?” Now that our list of grown up tasks grows with our responsibilities, it is nice to have a verb to use to describe those things (I need to do some adulting) rather than to describe a state of being (I am an adult). Anyways, needless to say, this word resonates with me and seems to resonate with a lot of my therapy clients who struggle with being overwhelmed with the adult tasks in life. I thought it would be helpful to put together a list of tips to help us all through our more adult days! 1. One thing at a time This has to be one of the most important pieces of advice I ever give as a therapist. So often, we feel overwhelmed with the massive number of tasks we might find ourselves with when in essence, it is not even possible to do them all at once. Make a list and just start moving down the list. If you are overwhelmed, take a deep breath and focus on just one thing you can do, even if it is small, it’s a start! 2. Remember, no one truly feels ready for adult like responsibilities Most people feel overwhelmed when you look at the enormity of what we take on in our lives as people. We go from having things taken care of for us, to being the ones taking care of things for others either in our personal or professional lives. There is this false belief in childhood that our parents and the adults around us truly have it all together that perpetuates our feelings of not being ready or feeling inadequate for the tasks we have ahead. However, we have to remember that adults are just people who have learned to have more things they are responsible for and most likely use different tools to help them remember to do them. For example, it can be so helpful to put reminders in your phone for things like paying bills, rent, taking the trash to the curb, etc. It’s important to remember that you are not alone in feeling overwhelmed and that there are lots of tips and tricks to help you figure out how to “adult” successfully. 3. Talk to people who have already done what you are working on I believe it takes a village, not just to raise kids but to live our lives effectively. It is so incredibly important that we learn that we can reach out and ask people for advice and ways to accomplish the things we are trying to accomplish ourselves. For example, when I started my private practice and later expanded it into Thrive, I asked so many colleauges about their practices and experiences to help me understand both what I was taking on but also how to go about it in a way that would hopefully work for me. If you are a more private person, reading books, blogs, or listening to podcasts can be helpful too! 4. Don’t be afraid to ask questions I have found that people can be so generous in the sharing of their knowledge both in regards to business situations and personal situations. If you are unsure of how often you need to pay a bill or what the process is to do something, go ahead and call the office you need to call and ask questions. It’s okay to admit you have no idea about something and would appreciate an explanation! Many people are happy to walk their customers through these kinds of steps if you are kind about asking and thank them for their time. 5. Reminders This one may be a bit redundant as I mentioned it in the above comments, but reminders on our digital calendars or on paper calendars can be so helpful. In our current culture, we are all balancing so many different things and it is truly easy to forget due dates or appointments. Putting a reminder in whatever kind of calendar you use can be extremely helpful in staying on top of things! I hope this is helpful information for you! If you have other tips or strategies that help you stay organized in your “adulting,” please feel free to comment on this blog or reach out to us at Thrive! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanWe all know that work can be a very enjoyable, but unfortunately also very stressful part of our lives. Even for those of us who love our jobs (like me!), the pressure and stress that can be unique to the workplace can get to you. Here are some suggestions about how to cope with it more effectively! Consider why you are stressed at work The first step in figuring out how to manage your work stress differently is really thinking about why you are stressed. Some work related stress is in the nature of the job while other stress is more related to the interpersonal environment or demands placed on you by your direct manager or higher ups. If you are stressed due to the nature of the job itself, it’s helpful to consider if a career change would help or if you need to relate to the job differently in some way. In this case, therapy is often helpful! If you are stressed due to the environment, it can be helpful to consider if feedback would be useful and well received. If so, definitely talk to your managers/higher ups. If not, perhaps consider if there is another job or position that would be a better fit. Again, therapy could be helpful in working through these questions and solutions! If you have decided to stay at your company or position, consider the following as ways to make the best of a difficult situation. 1. Boundaries For some, a big challenge is regarding boundaries and not setting them effectively. For you, setting boundaries might be more with yourself and in how much time you take to work on work activities outside of work hours (late night emails anyone?). For others, setting boundaries might be with your company and in letting them know what you need. You may need to consider asking for a reduced schedule, reduced demands on your time, a change in structure or responsibility, or more support. 2. Increase self-care I know that self-care is a big buzz word these days, but that is for a good reason, which is that taking care of yourself needs to always be a priority! I have noticed that particularly when clients are struggling with work stress, their self-care tends to reduce right away. Taking even 15 minutes a day to add in something that is an enjoyable and fueling activity for you (walking, running, art activities, playing with your children or pets, cooking, reading, meditation) can be extremely helpful in managing stress at work and making sure that it does not leak into your non-work hours with your family. 3. Take brief breaks Most of us tend to work even more when work stress is really high. It makes sense that we would want to reduce stress by just plowing through as much as possible. Unfortunately, sometimes our brains need more of a break in order to work effectively on our tasks. Taking periodic breaks of even just 1-5 minutes to walk, stretch your legs, close your eyes and take deep breaths, or to do a quick mindfulness meditation will help you focus more for the rest of the work day! 4. Meaning making Sometimes work stress is related to feeling that your job does not have meaning or value in the world. I am of the belief that making some meaning out of your job, even if it is just that you are providing monetary support for yourself and your family, will help you feel better about spending your time there. Consider your values and how your job helps you serve them in your life and try to focus on that on the tough days. 5. Find support Seeking out support from friends, family, a trusted colleague, or therapist can be so helpful when you are struggling with work stress. While it can help to “leave work at work,” it can also leave you feeling isolated with your struggles. Seeking a careful balance between talking about the struggles you are having and not ruminating or obsessing about them outside of work can be helpful. I have also found that most people experience stress in their jobs in one form or another in their lives so this is also a topic many people can relate to and understand. 6. Affirmations As many of my clients know, I am a big believer in affirmations and intentionally choosing certain coping thoughts to help you get through a difficult time, and work stress is not different. Affirmations, or intentionally chosen thoughts and phrases, can really help you cope. For example, remembering “I am a valuable addition to our team” can help when you are feeling a lot of self-doubt. Or, thinking “this is just one part of my life and career” might help if you are feeling a lack of success or appreciation in the workplace. I hope these ideas are helpful for you! If you find yourself experiencing a lot of work stress, or other kinds of stress of course, please reach out to us today! We at Thrive love working with adults who are balancing many areas of their lives and work with people from a collaborative approach to make changes. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanAs a working mom and entrepreneur, I’ve learned that work/life balance is not so much a check on my list of things to do but more of a journey. It is honestly rare that I feel that things are all in balance and that I am doing a great job at work and a great job at home. This summer, my family bought a home, which was so exciting and overwhelming but of course also really threw my entire precarious balance off that I had felt I achieved some days since having my son and expanding my business 2 years ago. In trying to balance all the things, I have learned a few things that I thought might also be helpful for our blog readers! 1. Balance is going to come and go, learning to roll with it is definitely helpful. Just like how emotions are going to come and go and there are going to be great times in your life and not so great times, balance will be the same. Some days will feel like you are checking all the boxes of your needs and others the scales will tip a little in one direction or another. That’s okay and just information as to what you need to do next. 2. Pay attention to what your needs are. Since self care has become such a buzz word in our culture, I think it is easy to fall into thinking that balance or self care only means going to yoga or brunch. I’ve learned that it is important to really get tclear with yourself on what tyou are missing when you are feeling overwhelmed or out of sync with yourself. Is it time alone or with your significant other, or quality time with your whole family? Is it unscheduled time you are missing where you can be a bitt more free to do the things you want? Is it rest or checking things off your to do list? Is it having enjoyable plans so that you know there is something to look forward to? I could go on but the essence is to pay attention to what it is you need and what it is you are missing in your life and then problem solving ways to get it. 3. Start small. I can’t emphasize this one enough. I feel that often finding “balance” or working on “self-care” feels like just another thing on the usually giant list of things to do. As someone who religiously works walks into my days, it is definitely another thing to do. However, what I’ve learned is that having a few small things, like a daily walk, helps ground me so that I am much more efficient and effective in my days. For you though, it might be a daily meditation practice, working in a garden, playing with a pet, putting your phone away during dinner, reading a book, playing a sport, etc. If you are in a place of wanting to work on balance, find one thing that feels really important in your life and start adding it in little by little. 5 minutes here and there even makes a difference! This dialogue and process of figuring out how to manage feelings of burnout, stress, and overwhelm are so common in our therapeutic work with teens and adults at Thrive. Many of our clients come in feeling so overwhelmed and drained so a big part of our job is to help them figure out what is causing that and how to adjust their life to be more enjoyable! It really is one of my favorite things when my clients share with me the positive changes they have started making, partly from our work and discussions together! If this blog resonates with you and feels helpful in your life, we would love to hear from you! Either as a potential new client or as a reader! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanWe get a lot of calls from people who share their current challenges and concerns and jump pretty quickly to what they want and believe they need. Tools. Coping Skills. Strategies. I find this interesting as a therapist who generally engages in very deep, complex work with my clients. Even with my clients who initially thought that they just wanted some “tools,” we also do some pretty deep work in understanding how their challenges came to be before we move on to tools. I believe in doing therapy in a way that you will hopefully get some tools and strategies to manage your life or symptoms more effectively, but also gain a deeper understanding of yourself, relationships with others, and higher levels of self-compassion. Some may wonder why this is a goal… I am of the belief that most of the things in our lives that we want “tools” to fix, are not as simple as they seem. For example, someone may want help making changes in the way that they use alcohol. Simple, right? Just stop drinking so much? Actually, this “simple” challenge is so complex once you get into exploring it. You need to consider why you drink, what alcohol symbolically represents in your life or self, what it does in your relationships to yourself and others, what habits you have around drinking, why you continue drinking, how successful you think you will be in stopping, and what feelings you might be using alcohol to either mask or cope with. There is so much to explore, understand, and process as people. Unfortunately, our quick fix culture has us reaching for quick fixes even in therapy. We want quick tools or strategies to manage our problems or challenges, rather than going inward to consider what is really going on in our lives. This is true for children too. Parents want their children to cope with stress better, especially in the teen years. And boy, do we have some really stressed out teens in our culture! It breaks my heart but that’s a different topic. So, we get calls from parents who want their teen to learn tools to manage stress. First, we need to understand the stress and explore it. Often, I find the stressed out teens I work with have completely unrealistic expectations of themselves to be perfect, or always on top of things, or to get into impossible schools. So, we need to explore those expectations, how they develop, what might be more realistic for them, or how to think about their goals in a more effective way. This is SO much more than tools. This is self-understanding and growth that will go a long way when that teen or child has challenges later in their life. My belief is that just stopping at providing tools or strategies for my clients is a short-term fix. It will probably work for a while and then some of the same things will come back up either in the same way, or different ways. I believe this is because often our symptoms or bad habits are products of a deeper challenge in meeting our emotional needs. In that deep, complex understanding of ourselves, we can truly figure out what is going on and how to take steps towards living a different life. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. |
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Thrive Therapy Studio Therapists Offer Child, Teen, Adult, Marriage and Family Psychotherapy Counseling Services in San Diego, California.
