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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
We all know that the holidays can be extremely stressful, overwhelming, and busy for parents. We sometimes forget that it is also a busy, overstimulating, and, at times, difficult period for kids.
I know, most of us feel it would be AMAZING to go back and be kids on holidays again. Wouldn’t having someone else do all the prep, cooking, cleaning, buying, planning, etc., for us be fantastic? It honestly would, but this does not necessarily mean it is a super easy time of year for all children. Suppose we, as parents, are too absorbed in our own experience. In that case, it can be really easy to project our feelings of frustration and being the ones to “take care of all the things” onto our kids. Sometimes, we perceive our kids, particularly those who struggle with emotional regulation (aka meltdown city during the holidays), as “entitled, ungrateful, selfish, etc.” To help families manage their emotions during the holidays, I wanted to share some tips to help shift our mindsets in more helpful directions. 1. Manage Your Expectations We can easily set up the most magical holiday ever and expect our children to be similarly magical and kind. This expectation is unfair, and if you have a child who tends to struggle on big occasions that involve a lot of anticipation, it makes sense that they may be contentious during the holiday season. We should expect it to be challenging at times so that we are not surprised and interpret their behavior negatively. Remember that your child is most likely overwhelmed and genuinely doing their best to meet their needs and to figure out how to cope with something that feels bigger than their coping skills. While it is hard to be the parent of a child who struggles with big feelings, it can also be tough to be the child who is struggling. Having empathy for their experience and remembering that they are a good kid who is having a hard time will help you respond with more patience and kindness. 2. Listen to Your Child Listening might sound strange, but if your child is telling you that the plans you have made are too much or that they are too tired, overwhelmed, or excited, try to listen. I know it can be hard to shift plans once they are made, especially during the hustle and bustle of the holidays, but if your child is genuinely struggling with their emotions and behavior, it makes sense to scale things back. Also, if they are communicating that they feel overwhelmed, don’t want to hug people, or don’t want to be asked certain questions, see if you can set things up so that those situations do not occur. You can set boundaries around how much time you engage in certain events, which events you attend, and even with your family members about how they treat your child. It will go better if, as you and your child approach situations, you try to work together to figure things out to have the best time possible. You can even discuss ahead of time how to cope with difficult situations, especially if your child is older and aware that these situations are challenging for them. 3. Connection and Boundaries I know these are my favorite topics lately, especially since I developed my mini-parenting courses all about these topics… But they are good ones that totally apply here. As mentioned above, connecting and listening to your child can be incredibly helpful during busy holidays. Making sure that you take the time to listen, play, and connect with them in the ways you usually do during typical days can help maintain your connection even when things become challenging or overwhelming. Similarly, setting boundaries around things that lead to increased emotional dysregulation can be helpful. For example, our son tends to struggle if he gets too much screen time, sugar, or food containing artificial dyes. As a result, we tend to limit electronics and less healthy food choices, especially during big events like birthdays or other events, which can lead him to be even more dysregulated. While it is not the most “fun” parenting opinion, I believe that setting him up for success is more important than letting him indulge and get super out of control! I hope these parenting tips can help you manage situations that arise at this time of year! If you would like to discuss any of these topics further, feel free to reach out to our team for a parent consultation :) If you want to learn more about Connecting and Setting Boundaries with your child, check out our mini-parenting courses!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman has launched mini parenting courses! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
Parenting can be a wild ride filled with joys, challenges, and the constant quest to provide the best for our children. While we want to shield them from the world's worries, we also recognize that life often throws curveballs, and anxiety can creep into even the most wonderful childhoods. When a parent notices their child grappling with anxiety symptoms, it's natural to feel concerned and seek ways to help. One invaluable resource many parents turn to is individual therapy. In this blog post, we'll explore why parents opt for individual therapy to assist their child in managing anxiety.
Understanding Childhood Anxiety First, let's briefly delve into what childhood anxiety can look like. Anxiety in children may manifest as excessive worrying, fearfulness, restlessness, sleep disturbances, difficulty concentrating, and even physical symptoms like stomach aches or headaches. It can be triggered by various factors such as school stress, peer pressure, family issues, or even internal thoughts and fears. Why Individual Therapy? 1. A Safe Space to Express Emotions Individual therapy provides a safe and confidential space for children to express their thoughts and feelings openly. Children might find it challenging to articulate their anxieties to parents or teachers, fearing judgment or misunderstanding. A therapist creates an environment where children can share their concerns without fear of consequences. At our office, we like to do so by utilizing a lot of play and art in our therapy with children. You see, children learn best when you speak their language, which is often not talking about problems but playing or expressing them in other ways. 2. Specialized Guidance Therapists who work with children are trained to understand the unique developmental needs and challenges of young minds. They use age-appropriate techniques and tools to help children cope with anxiety. Therapists can connect with children through play, art, or talk therapy and help them navigate their feelings. All of the therapists at Thrive specialize in child and teen therapy as well as supporting families and parents. 3. Skill Development Anxiety can be complex, and individual therapy equips children with the skills to manage it effectively. Therapists teach strategies for identifying triggers, challenging irrational thoughts, and developing coping mechanisms. These skills empower children to tackle anxiety both in the short term and as they grow older. Often, children experiencing anxiety are eager to feel better and will readily engage in learning skills. At times, that can be challenging due to the desire to avoid facing their fears; in those situations, progress can be slow. However, it is always better to have your child attend therapy if possible! 4. Building Resilience Resilience is a crucial life skill; therapy can help children build it. Through therapy, children learn to face their fears, tolerate discomfort, and gradually develop the confidence to confront challenges independently. This newfound confidence can increase self-esteem, a stronger sense of self, and distress tolerance skills. You see, anxiety management and distress tolerance are closely related as we often need to learn to tolerate the initial distress and discomfort when facing a fear or anxiety-provoking situation. Doing so can be tricky, but it is a great skill for future challenges! 5. Parental Guidance and Support Individual therapy isn't just for the child; it can also provide parents valuable insights and guidance. Therapists often involve parents in the process, helping them understand their child's perspective and offering strategies to support their child effectively at home. At our office, we all enjoy involving parents so that everyone can make more progress through treatment! Parenting an anxious child can be incredibly challenging. Knowing when to accommodate their fears and needs and when to challenge them is hard. Often, parents of children with anxiety may also have their own experience of anxiety too. This stress makes it even more complicated, as you can imagine! Luckily, we at Thrive are here to help you figure out these challenging issues and parenting decisions! Contact us today to discuss how we can help your child and your family today
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman has launched mini parenting courses. You do not want to miss them!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
In preparation for the Fourth of July next week, I was thinking about the biggest challenges some families face on this day. While we have talked a lot in past blogs about how to support kids who are emotionally dysregulated on big holidays, we have not discussed the impact of these events on our more anxious children.
Children who are more anxious can be naturally more impacted by holidays and big events, particularly days like the Fourth of July that often involve loud, at times unpredictable, fireworks. While it makes sense that this would be difficult for them, parents often forget that even fun events can feel really scary depending on your child’s personality, temperament, and possible anxious symptoms. If your child has had a tough time in past holidays, these suggestions will help you manage the situation differently for this Fourth of July!
I hope this is helpful in preparing you for the festivities of the weekend and week to come! As always, if you need more support or have any questions about the topics shared in my blogs, please feel free to reach out to our team at Thrive for help! You can also sign up for our newsletter to stay updated on upcoming events and opportunities at Thrive!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
As a mom and therapist, I have learned that there are lessons in almost anything we do. Interestingly, one of my latest “lessons” came while I took my son to a pool with a huge inflatable obstacle course. And when I say “lesson,” what I mean is something that I really do know intellectually but, at times, is hard to follow because my emotions might get in the way.
Anyways, what happened is that I took my son to this pool to meet some friends and for him to swim and play on this rather large obstacle course. Despite it being entirely too cold, it was such a fun setup for him to really thrive. You see, my son is enamored with swimming and all things to do with water. He might get scared of amusement parks or small carnival rides at times, but give him a water slide, and he is in heaven. So, this was a great situation for him! Interestingly though, it was a bit tricky for me to navigate at times. You see, while my son is a “water-safe, independent” swimmer, according to his swim teacher, he often flails about when he is in another pool and especially when he is just with me or his dad. I still remember when he first went swimming with us after becoming a stronger, independent swimmer, and both of us thought that he just might drown because he was barely keeping his head above water at times. Then, we went back to his swim instructor, who told us he had regressed in his skills because we held him too much. So, that is when we first realized that he can do far more than it might seem he can do. Especially if it is something he can do independently but might wish at times for some help. Back to my story :) Here we are, in this pool with a huge inflatable course, and he falls off the edge to the other side. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go easily under it as that was against the rules. I remember thinking he would climb back up easily, but when he didn’t, I honestly got a little nervous despite the lifeguard sitting right there watching him (I could see her watching him but couldn’t see him, and he didn’t respond to me). And up until that moment, he had been grabbing onto me often so that he hadn’t been swimming on his own a lot. First, I tried to wait and thought he would yell to me or pop up somewhere on the course. But he didn’t. So, in my nervousness, I swam around to find him, and what did I see? My son just swimming as happily as can be and easily in this deep water without an issue. It was at that moment that I recalled my knowledge that kids often will do well when left on their own. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is not save or help them too much. And obviously, this would be a different story if my son was not a strong, capable swimmer. Then, it would have been negligent to wait as long as I did. But in his case, this is an area he clearly excels and does not need a lot of support. Even while I knew this about him and would give this advice to parents, I had made the same mistake that so many of my clients and other parents make. I forgot just how capable he is and how important it is for him to be able to take calculated risks and demonstrate that capability in order to build his feelings of competence and sense of self. So often, our instinct as parents is to dive in quickly and save our children from possible mistakes or problems. We can see them coming and know how to avoid them. But the trick is that our kids don’t know that yet, and they will only learn it by experience. While it might be uncomfortable for parents, we need to let them leap out of our little nest and wobble a little as they learn to fly. We can block them from hitting trees, but shouldn't worry about a slight change in course or challenge along the way. That is part of the learning process! Here are some helpful reminders for all of us parents when it comes to letting our kids take risks:
Also, summer is the absolute best time to allow your kids to take a few more risks! Usually, summer involves different types of activities, time outside, new friends, camp, etc., and these are all opportunities for your child to increase their independence and feelings of capability. Make sure to communicate to them that you have FAITH in their ability to do hard things! That you TRUST their judgment and ability to solve problems when needed. That will be huge, even if the situation is not going as planned for them. So often, kids rise to the challenge. We just need to let them and get out of their way a bit more!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Wait, we need a whole blog about how to have fun at Disneyland????
I know, I know. What has parenting come to? If our kids can’t just have fun at the happiest place on earth, what are we doing wrong!!! While this is a bit exaggerated, I would honestly say it is not exaggerated in terms of what most parents think when their child is having an epic meltdown when their super expensive, carefully planned, and completely kid-centered holiday is not going well. And believe me, I get it! My family has not yet gone to Disneyland for this exact reason. In my eyes, if we struggle at SeaWorld San Diego and Legoland, we are likely not quite ready for Disneyland! In preparation for the summer and all the exciting plans families have set up, I thought it would help to share some ideas about how to help tricky kids manage their feelings during these long days at amusement parks. While my personal and professional experience sets me up to expect certain kids to struggle in these situations, I have found that often parents do not expect it and, as a result, are often caught off guard with just their instant reactions of “How spoiled are you!” when these situations go off the rails. Even for me, this has been challenging. Recently, we let our son (age 5.5) play a video game at SeaWorld, which we thought would be a real treat because we have not yet let him really get into video or arcade games in our home. However, when it was sadly and unexpectedly (for him) short-lived, he could not regulate for about an hour. This involved lots of tears, attempted running away from us, bargaining to try and get more time to play, and honestly, pretty much sheer misery for all of us. And while it kind of proved our point that he is not quite emotionally ready for video games, it was tough to manage our reactions and approach him with empathy. I had to keep reminding myself that this is how our son learns - it, unfortunately, often involves a lot of frustration and trying to get out of the lesson in one way or another. In this one, he was learning regret as he felt he spent his money too quickly, and it was not worth it in the end. While this is such a valuable lesson, I would have loved it if he could learn it more quietly and kindly without such a scene! So, this led me to think that perhaps we should all be better prepared for challenges in these situations! Here are my quick tips to help keep in mind so that big days with your child(ren) might go a bit smoother! Going into the big day:
During the big day:
After the big day:
Keep in mind that you and your child are always doing the best you can in the situation you are in with the skills you have. Try to avoid blaming or shaming them if something is not going well or if you feel they are not acting the way you would like. Their behavior is communication, and it is important to see it as such, especially in hard and new situations! If you would like more parenting advice and suggestions, please sign up for our newsletter below, as we have EXCITING NEWS coming up at Thrive!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
It might seem strange that a parenting consultant writing blogs filled with parenting tips and ideas would say that there is not one right way to parent. Of course it seems strange! We are parenting during a time when parents often find a specific parenting approach to use, perhaps it’s gentle parenting or respectful parenting, or attachment parenting. We also spend a lot of time reading about these ideas and philosophies.
While a part of me LOVES the amount of effort and energy that goes into parenting, particularly as a child therapist, I am also pretty concerned about that very thing. The amount of time, energy, and resources that are being put into parenting our children are truly exhausting and only burning parents out more. We need to find a way to keep things a bit simpler so that parents can actually use the information they are reading about! I will never forget how I felt when my son was a baby and, despite being a “parenting expert,” just how overwhelming it was to receive the amount of information I was flooded with daily. How to help him sleep better, which way is the best way to help him sleep, where does he sleep, how much he should be eating, how he should be fed, what kind of playtime is best, how much stimulation he needs or doesn’t need, should I hold him when he cries or not, etc., etc., etc. The list could go ON FOR DAYS! And that is just the infant stage! So often, parents are spending sooo much time reading, researching, or feeling that they should be reading and researching more. They often also have very specific ideas of how they think parenting should go and how their child should respond. There are whole books about how to help your child develop the ever-elusive “grit.” And while I certainly value grit and resilience, unfortunately, not every child will respond the same way to the strategies in the books. Or even in my blogs! The tricky thing is that once we find a parenting style that we love and feel fits us, we might believe it is the right thing for everyone else too. Or that our child should respond well to the strategy that feels right to us. Interestingly, this often does not work out so well because instead of re-evaluating a strategy when it does not seem to work well for our child, some parents will just do more of the things they think should help. And this does not just apply to the gentler parenting approaches but the harsh ones too. Parents who use physical discipline (which I do not advocate for any child or family) will often just use more physical discipline even when it is not effective. Parents who are using gentle approaches, might just be more gentle when their child is not respecting their limits. I recommend a simple solution to a complicated issue. Parents need to be flexible in how they react to their children. We need to observe our child’s personalities more to try and figure out what they respond best to and how they interpret what parents are communicating. I have met plenty of families where the parents are being so gentle but the kids really need a more firm approach. I’ve also met families whose parents are too firm, and their kids could use more play and humor in their approach. It is all about gauging what your kids need and what feels right to you. In that, it is very family, parent, and child-specific and not one size fits all. The most important thing in my eyes is for parents to find a balance of communicating unconditional love to their kids as well as firm limits and boundaries. Depending on personalities and specific situations, this will look different in each family, but these are the main ingredients to use, regardless of specific parenting philosophy. If we keep parenting more simple in the foundation of what we try to accomplish, we can help more parents feel grounded, confident, and capable in their parenting. This helps them show up as a more sturdy leader that their kids are looking for, rather than someone unsure of what they are doing. While reflecting on your parenting, start by asking yourself these questions: Are my kids feeling loved? Am I setting enough boundaries? We can always fine-tune from there! As this blog series wraps up, thank you all for reading! If you missed any of the topics please check out the below links:
Check out all of our blogs in this parenting series. Also, join our newsletter today for more information about future parenting courses that Erica is developing! You don’t want to miss this!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanSo often, as a parent, I will notice myself making assumptions about my son's behavior. For example, he likes to sneak little toys or Pokemon cards to school, which his kindergarten teacher is not a big fan of (big surprise!). At times, it is easy to slip into a relatively negative and presumptuous thinking pattern like, “He just doesn’t care if he gets into trouble.” Or “He is never going to follow the rules.” And even further like, “What will happen to him if he can’t respect authority!” While this thought process is perfectly understandable, it is pretty unfair when it comes to our children and their motivations for doing things. I find it similar to when parents say something like, “They just want to scream,” or “They are just lazy.” What I tell them, and myself, when this pattern presents itself in my thinking, is this: All people are trying their best. Kids want to be “good,” and if they are showing different behavior, there is a reason. I recognize how hard it is to think this way. Most of us were conditioned in our childhoods to assume that if someone isn't doing whatever it is you think they should be doing, they are doing so intentionally. However, while people may have intentions to do certain things, often the true reasons for our behavior are unconscious. Without that level of self-awareness, we are all just sort of blundering around, acting in ways that have roots in patterns we are not even aware of. My focus as a therapist is to bring those reasons to consciousness so a person can truly make choices and be more intentional about their lives and parenting. Because I am aware of this pattern, I generally approach people differently. I approach them with curiosity and assume positive intentions. I also try to focus on this as a therapist and parent consultant, I also try to focus on this in my own life with myself and others through self-compassion (check out last week’s post here for more details about this!). And guess what? This is also a particularly helpful reminder that I try to incorporate into my parenting mindset daily. Remembering to approach people with curiosity and positive intent helps me to remember that my son wants things to go well. He wants his life to work out, just like I do. When I shift my role from less of a director, needing to dictate every area of his life, to a curious participant and guide (when allowed), it helps me remember that we are on the same team, his team. I can ask curious questions, assume that he is trying his best, and check in with him by asking questions that are using these principles such as:
Often, when we can have a dialogue like this, my goal is to lead him towards more prosocial, compassionate outcomes for him and others. However, I am trying hard not to lecture or put those values on him directly but helping him come to those conclusions himself. It is very similar to how I approach my clients in therapy. To be clear, though, if my son’s behavior crosses a line, I am, of course, stepping in with limits and sometimes consequences. So while this approach may seem “soft” to some who expect all consequences and a little conversation, it is more effective because it helps children come to their own conclusions about their actions and what they want. It helps bring their feelings to consciousness and, hopefully, avoids years of patterns that can be particularly unhelpful. Here is a real-world example of how this plays out for my family with the Pokemon card example again. When this comes up, as it so often does, instead of going into the more unhelpful narratives about my son’s choices that I described earlier in this post, I work to remember that there is a reason for his choices. I first connect with him and ask curious questions. Such as, “What do you like about bringing them to school?” and “What makes it hard to stop bringing them?” or “Are you worried about getting into trouble or the teacher’s reactions?” I hope these questions will help him reflect on his choices and develop more of an internal guideline for how he wants to handle it moving forward. Since my son is five, though, I will keep my expectations in check because what I get from him is often a discussion about how he really should be able to bring them to school. He is particularly strong-willed, as I have mentioned a few times before! So I remind myself that I am planting seeds that will hopefully grow in the future. And then I give my son the limit that since his teacher has asked for kids to stop bringing the cards to school, if he sneaks them and we find out, he will no longer be able to play with them at home. I also offer that when we have play dates with other friends, he is welcome to trade with them (as a big part of what we have learned from asking curious questions is that trading is a very social activity for the kindergarten boys at our school.) So, while he is unhappy about the outcome, my goal is to help him feel connected, understood, and cared for while also having the opportunity to reflect on his choices. I accomplish this by connecting with curiosity and asking questions rather than making assumptions. Since he is developmentally unable to make the prosocial choice, we set limits to help him with that and guide him in the direction that benefits his community and him in the end. Remember that in parenting, just like in the rest of life, it is rarely a simple approach that works best (kindness or consequences) but a blend of the two. This parenting tip is all about how we approach our thinking and, hopefully, our conversations in situations that require kindness and often consequences. Keep reading next week for Tip #6 - Allow your child to solve their problems! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanIn my office, we often discuss the impact of the way we think about ourselves or others, or even life in general, on our perception of those very things. For example, suppose we focus a lot on the difficult parts of parenting or our children and forget to notice the benefits of parenting and our children. In that case, we will naturally feel less satisfied, happy, and enjoyable overall in our families. It’s interesting because underneath all of the toxic positivity statements, such as “choose happiness,” is a shred of truth. While we can’t always just easily choose happiness, we can work to shift our perspective in a situation from a more pessimistic view to a more neutral or, at times, optimistic outlook. And this will often also help someone feel more happy or content. So while I do not subscribe to “toxic positivity” cultural ideas around how someone’s life is entirely in their control, I do believe in the power of our thoughts and interpretation of our lives. And I believe that shifting our lens in very specific ways is enormously beneficial. One of the key ingredients to shifting our perspective is to approach ourselves and others with compassion. Often, when parents are struggling with their children or with parenting in general, they are left with a shame spiral of also feeling that something is wrong with them to feel this way. They also might imagine that something is wrong with their child acting in the way they are. Most of the time, neither of these things are true. Often, children are acting in ways that make sense, given their developmental level and current skills to navigate the world. For example, a child throwing a tantrum is most likely unable to communicate their needs or emotions in any other way. Similarly, the parent who reacts to the tantrum with yelling, is most likely feeling unable to react differently due to their own childhood experiences, parenting they received, ideas they have about how their child “should” be acting, internal distress at their child’s challenges, and sensory overload. It is really tough to go through hard moments with your child. It is even harder to go through those moments and then spend hours, days, and weeks thinking about how you are a terrible parent and/or your child is incredibly damaged. While having self-compassion and general compassion for your child will not necessarily change the tough moments right away, it can take the shame away afterward. And the good news is that when we can reduce shame, we are actually more likely to learn from our mistakes and approach the situation differently in the future. Shame is an extremely triggering emotion for our nervous systems. As such, unfortunately, while we are in a deep state of shame, we are not likely to be able to learn or access the full range of ourselves that might be needed to solve a problem differently. Often, shame triggers our survival instincts or “fight, flight, freeze, fawn” responses, which are generally not helpful unless we are in a truly dangerous situation. Unfortunately, a screaming toddler is not actually dangerous! Increasing our self-compassion can help us break this cycle of parenting shame by reducing our reactivity which also allows us to be more likely to parent in a way that feels helpful to us and our children. Here are examples of ways to practice self-compassion in your parenting. These phrases are often helpful reminders in reaction to encounters with your child that do not go as you had hoped and might end up in tears (for one or both of you):
As parents, we will all make mistakes. We will all mess up and wish we could just start over again. Our children will also be imperfect and wish they could do things differently. The reason for this is not because something is wrong with us all but because we are human and we are flawed. We often learn experientially by doing rather than by thinking. While we can’t change this part of life, we can change how we view it and develop a different way to handle ourselves after a mistake. And the good news is that the more we do this with ourselves, the more we can help our children do the same for themselves, and most likely, the more we will also interact with them and their mistakes differently. Again, this is a win-win and the gift that will keep giving. Try out incorporating self-compassion today by using the phrases listed above! Read on next week for Parenting Tip #5: Assume positive intent and approach situations with curiosity At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanWhile this one may seem obvious, I can’t tell you how often parents have come into my office to share that they would like their child to be different in some way. Less bossy, less active, more active, more studious, more social, less shy, more optimistic, and the list could go on and on and on! This uneasiness is especially true for families where the child’s mental health is a concern or if they are struggling at school or socially. While this is truly understandable, especially as most parents believe they can mold their child in an image they create (more on this later), it is not entirely helpful for children’s development. You see, when parents want to change their child and their personality, the child inherently will get a message that they are somehow “not right.” While parents can do their best to approach their kids from an angle that their “behavior” is the problem and what needs to be corrected, unfortunately, kids often still hear that it is them, who they are, that is a problem. While I wholeheartedly support the idea of separating behavior from a person, that is a complicated concept for many kids. As a child and teen therapist, I hear this from my young clients that while they seem to understand what their parents are trying to do, it still feels like they are failing. Not in their choices or behavior but in who they are as a person. This feeling of something being inherently wrong with you is what I believe often leads to shame, depression, and anxiety. It can also lead to more significant issues such as self-injury, suicidality, and substance use. Regardless of the specific outcome, it definitely creates way more problems than the original behavior or personality trait might have created. While this is never a parent’s intention, focusing on shifting your perception of your child and their traits or behavior. All of our personality traits have pros and cons. As a parent, it can really help to focus on the positive side of the traits or challenges your child is experiencing. Here are some examples of how to do this:
While it is certainly challenging to parent children who may remind us of a difficult family member or whose personalities are difficult for us to understand, it is significantly easier if you consider the gifts of their personalities or traits. It just takes time and practice to consider these things and then remember them in the moment. Try taking time each day to reflect on the challenges you are having with your child and consider the “flip side.” In this discussion, I feel the need to bring up the idea of “shaping” our children into who we want them to be. The absolute most important thing we can do as a parent is to foster our kids' development into who they want to become and to encourage their interests. Not for us or because of us, but led by them. Even kids who seem more malleable in childhood will struggle in adulthood if they are not allowed to develop a sense of who they are and where they want to go in life. This phase of development is an inherent part of kids becoming independent adults who have passions and interests to pursue. Especially in this modern parenting age, when the pressure put on kids to perform and achieve is so high, it is crucial that they have an internal compass to help them find their own path. This navigational tool will help ensure they are not just “checking the boxes” that are being asked of them, but making choices they want and enjoy. For example, if it is important to you that your child play a sport, great! But try to expose them to a few and let them choose rather than pushing them to play a sport you like(d). Remember, we can always, and need to, set boundaries with our kids, but we need to allow them the freedom to choose their path within our limits. We also need to remember that, ultimately, who they become is not up to us but to them. This applies to all things - their personality, interests, careers, relationships, sexuality, gender identity, etc. You have the privilege of watching them bloom into who they are meant to be. Try to embrace the unknown of this and your child’s unique gifts! Read on next week for Parenting Tip #2 - All about Quality Time! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Andrea SeldomridgeI like to think about the ways we think about emotions. Emotions are often labeled as good or bad, positive or negative. Instead of seeing emotions as this good and bad dichotomy, I like to refer to them as pleasant or unpleasant. This helps remove the idea that there are certain emotions that should be avoided, but rather, some just aren’t our favorite to feel. There is so much value to these unpleasant emotions too! They serve a variety of purposes and are so necessary to being a human. Dr. Marsha Linehan is a clinical psychologist who has done a significant amount of research on the functions and myths about emotions. There are several emotion myths (such as emotions being bad), but before I share those, I think it is important to understand the functions of emotions. They motivate us for action. Emotions push us to do things. For example, anxiety might help push a student to finish their assignment. Anxiety itself here isn’t “bad”, rather it just helps the student get things done. If we feel happy while doing something, such as feeling happy when exercising, it encourages us to engage in the activity more. They communicate something to others. Emotions result in facial expressions which can communicate a lot to someone in a very short amount of time, such as giving a smile or furrowing a brow. They communicate something to ourselves. For example, fear can clue us in that the situation we are in is not safe. Emotions are so important! They are constantly motivating us to action and communicating things to ourselves and others throughout the day. As I mentioned above, there are various myths about emotions that tend to cloud their importance. Below are some of the most common myths of emotions Dr. Linehan has written on.
Instead of viewing emotions as things that should be suppressed, I would encourage you to embrace them and be curious about them. I hope you are able to see the importance of emotions and ways they are part of what makes us human. To learn more about Dr. Linehan’s work, you can check out her DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets manual. You can also learn more about Dr. Linehan’s story and her development of Dialectical Behavior Therapy in her memoir Building a Life Worth Living. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. |
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