Thrive Therapy Blog

The Importance & Myths of Emotions

3/30/2022

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

I like to think about the ways we think about emotions. Emotions are often labeled as good or bad, positive or negative. Instead of seeing emotions as this good and bad dichotomy, I like to refer to them as pleasant or unpleasant. This helps remove the idea that there are certain emotions that should be avoided, but rather, some just aren’t our favorite to feel. There is so much value to these unpleasant emotions too! They serve a variety of purposes and are so necessary to being a human. Dr. Marsha Linehan is a clinical psychologist who has done a significant amount of research on the functions and myths about emotions. There are several emotion myths (such as emotions being bad), but before I share those, I think it is important to understand the functions of emotions.

They motivate us for action. Emotions push us to do things. For example, anxiety might help push a student to finish their assignment. Anxiety itself here isn’t “bad”, rather it just helps the student get things done. If we feel happy while doing something, such as feeling happy when exercising, it encourages us to engage in the activity more.

They communicate something to others. Emotions result in facial expressions which can communicate a lot to someone in a very short amount of time, such as giving a smile or furrowing a brow.

They communicate something to ourselves. For example, fear can clue us in that the situation we are in is not safe.

Emotions are so important! They are constantly motivating us to action and communicating things to ourselves and others throughout the day. As I mentioned above, there are various myths about emotions that tend to cloud their importance. Below are some of the most common myths of emotions Dr. Linehan has written on.

There is a right way to feel in every situation. Have you ever found yourself saying “I shouldn’t feel this way?” I definitely have. I have found myself judging myself for having a certain emotional reaction. However, this is not the most helpful way to think about emotions. There is no right or wrong emotion to have in a certain situation. Instead of blaming yourself, you might try acknowledging that you are having the emotion without any judgment for feeling it.
Being emotional means being out of control. Feeling a wide range of emotions means you are a human! Emotions do not necessarily lead us to act in a certain way. While they can motivate us to take action, we still have control over how we respond. There is a cliché that I really like to think about. It says that all emotions are okay, but all behavior is not. Luckily when we feel an intense emotion, our impulse control is often there to keep us from acting on it.
Some emotions are stupid. While there are some emotions that are far less pleasant than others, they are all important. A common example is feeling sad. Someone might say “it’s stupid of me to feel sad right now”. But, is it? Instead, I might encourage them to take time to think about what might be leading them to feeling sad. I think any emotion can clue us into what else might be going on.
Emotions should always be trusted. As I mentioned above, even though emotions communicate something to us, that communication is not always accurate. For example, if you feel anxious, that does not always mean the situation you are in is not safe. Sometimes our emotions are either over heightened or subdued. I think there is a lot of value in trying to balance both one’s emotions with one’s ability to think through a situation. This balance can help one make more informed steps when deciding what to do next.

Instead of viewing emotions as things that should be suppressed, I would encourage you to embrace them and be curious about them. I hope you are able to see the importance of emotions and ways they are part of what makes us human. To learn more about Dr. Linehan’s work, you can check out her DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets manual. You can also learn more about Dr. Linehan’s story and her development of Dialectical Behavior Therapy in her memoir Building a Life Worth Living.

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

How Parents Can Help Kids Learn From Mistakes

3/23/2022

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

So your child made a mistake. Now what do you do? You may have seen it coming or maybe it was unexpected. Maybe their mistake will affect others. Your child might feel defeated, hopeless, frustrated, or angry. As adults, we know that there is always something one can learn from a mistake, but how can we help kids learn from theirs? Luckily, there are often several teaching moments parents can incorporate in these scenarios.

Allow time for a child to calm before talking about the mistake. This can be one of the most helpful places to start. It is hard to take in information or think something through when emotions are high. Allowing kids time for their emotions to settle will likely make the conversation more effective. Saying something like “would you like to take space for a bit?” can communicate that you understand they might not be ready to talk. This decreases the pressure to share their thoughts, concerns, or letdowns until they are ready. Using the phrase “taking space” can also be used whenever emotions are high. It also allows a child (or us adults) time to reduce the chances of saying something we might later wish we hadn’t.
Praise their ability to admit they made a mistake. It is hard to own it! Working to ensure your response does not shame them can be huge because it increases the likelihood that they will share future mistakes. You can try saying “I’m proud of you for sharing you” or “I’m glad you could share this, it shows a lot of bravery”.
Help them reflect on what they learned. This demonstrates that even with disappointment or frustration, there is always a take away from a mistake. You can help them identify one thing they have learned that will help them the next time they are confronted with a similar challenge then you can talk about how they’re feeling. Depending on their ability to identify their own emotions, you can try reflecting “I can see how disappointed/sad/angry you are right now”.
Use this moment of humility to help them learn to be compassionate with their peers when peers make mistakes. You can first help your child recognize how they would like to be treated when they make a mistake. Then, you can help them think about how their classmates or teammates would like to be treated when making mistakes. This allows your child to learn the importance of showing kindness to classmates or teammates when they make mistakes. Helping them recognize that as your child wants to be supported and not judged, your child can learn to show this same compassion to peers.
If they hurt someone, plan on how to apologize. You can help them learn how to make amends by learning how to apologize well. This can consist of admitting the mistake you made, sharing that you are sorry, stating you want to ensure this does not happen again, and asking for forgiveness. I would also add on helping them learn to let it go after they are forgiven.
Practice, practice. If their mistake is something they are able to practice, then help them practice it. Saying “okay, you made a mistake here, so let’s practice more to help it not happen again!” can be a positive reframe.
Model learning from mistakes. How do you respond to your own mistakes? Are you forgiving of yourself, or do you tend to talk down to yourself? Increasing your awareness of how you respond to your own mistakes will help children learn how to respond to theirs.

While making mistakes is rarely enjoyable, there are so many things we can learn from them! Helping children notice the opportunities, rather than them only seeing their disappointments or frustrations, can increase their hope for future outcomes.

The Importance of Making Mistakes

3/9/2022

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

I have never liked making mistakes. This was always most prevalent for me in school. When I was in 1st grade, we had a spelling quiz each week. If you got a perfect score, you did not have to retake it. I have been told that most times I did not get a perfect score, I would cry. In 4th grade, I got my first D on an exam. I distinctly remember when my teacher told me and I could not stop crying as I was so frustrated with myself. However, there were other areas of my life that I was more than okay making mistakes in! Specifically, anything sports related. Playing kickball in P.E. class, I rarely kicked the ball far enough. I even remember when other kids would be upset with me that I was not a better teammate. But you know, it did not bother me! I just had fun and placed no pressure on myself to be perfect!

I think for a lot of people, we have certain areas in our life in which we are hard on ourselves, whereas in others we can give ourselves more grace. I was always “good” at school, so when I messed up, I had a harder time handling it. Whereas with sports, I was proud of myself if I just got through the game. The only way I became better at handling the fact that I would make mistakes academically was just by making more mistakes. I had to get used to the fact that mistakes happen, even if I thought they should not.

Childhood really is a great time for making mistakes! As adults, we at times want to shield kids from the negative results some of their mistakes might lead to. However, making mistakes is fundamental in development and there are some mistakes that might be worth letting them make to reach those developmental milestones. Here are a few reasons why it is important for kids to make mistakes.

They learn to problem solve. Through making mistakes, they can learn to tell themselves “Okay, this did not go how I hoped. What can I do now?” They will learn how to reassess the situation and develop a plan B. If they make another mistake, they can make a plan C. This helps them learn to not give up after one or two attempts and that in some way they will figure it out!
It teaches them they are human. This is something that I wish I had learned much earlier in life! They might put a lot of pressure on themselves and making mistakes allows them to experience failure. Experiencing, and more so FEELING failure lets them know that despite their best efforts, mistakes do happen! No one can avoid it no matter how hard they try.
They learn the world will not actually end. If they feel anxious they will make a mistake - and then make the mistake - they usually feel even more anxious. However, once they see that whatever they were most worried about did not happen, it can start to reduce the anxiety they feel.
They develop distress tolerance. If what they feared would happen does happen, it is a great time to increase distress tolerance. When we mess up, we might feel anxious, overwhelmed, or angry. All of those feelings are valid! By practicing making mistakes as a child, they can learn to slowly increase their ability to get through these difficult emotions or uncomfortable outcomes.
Being perfect does not define your worth. Lastly, they can learn that just because they made a mistake, it does not mean they are worth any less. They are still wholly and fully themselves, no matter what grade they get or how many goals they score.

Childhood is a great age to practice making mistakes, especially as the consequences of those mistakes often have smaller consequences than maybe some mistakes one could make in adulthood. Allowing your child to make mistakes while being able to receive your feedback and support can increase their self-confidence to try again.

What Your Kid Hears When You Say "Be Careful"

3/2/2022

By Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

“Be careful!” is a phrase that is commonly and frequently expressed at every park I’ve ever been to. Often I think it is warranted and can help keep kids safe. It reminds me of a time in 2nd grade that I wish I had been told to be careful. I had thought somersaulting down a slide was a good idea (spoiler: it was not a good idea, but I got some cool new eyeglass frames because of it). We always want kids to stay safe. As adults, we have become skilled at perceiving when a situation may be risky. When we tell kids “be careful”, we hope to convey a need to be more cautious or warn them of potential dangers. While we might be trying to help keep them safe, there are a few other things they might actually be hearing instead.

“I can’t do it on my own.” When kids approach a task, they may think they are capable of doing it. We also might know that they are capable too! However, hearing “be careful” can leave them feeling that this task is too much for them to handle. Rather than developing an increased sense of agency and awareness, they may start to doubt their capabilities and be inclined to ask for help more often than needed. Over time, this can create an unnecessary need to be more dependent on adults.
“I need to get approval first.” We’ve all seen when young kids look back at their parents before going down a slide to check if it is safe. When this happens, a parent will share some encouragement and then excitement when their child makes it down the slide! This is an example of a time in which it would be appropriate for the child to visually check with their parents that they are going to be safe. However, when a parent repeatedly tells their child to be careful, it might lead to the child relying on this checking behavior more often than needed.
“I’m not as good at this as I thought.” A child may not feel confident with the task at hand, yet still feel confident in themselves. Hearing “be careful” too often can start to chip away at their self-confidence and replace it with doubts. Exchanging “be careful” with “I believe in you” shifts the emphasis to a positive light and can increase a child’s confidence and self-esteem.
Lastly, they may feel an increased sense of danger. A kid might have felt calm, but the result of hearing “be careful” can increase their anxiety and stress levels. The situation they were facing might have seemed safe and okay from the start, but after the warning of “be careful,” the situation can then shift and provoke anxiety. In another scenario, they might have already had anxiety and doubts going into a situation, but the added warning can end up increasing these anxieties and doubts even more despite their initial cautiousness.

While there is a line between keeping your child safe and allowing them to try new things on their own, sharing your faith in them can in the end increase their trust within themselves to be safe and secure. In the times in which they do get hurt, you will have laid a good groundwork for them to share this with you, knowing that their parents have confidence in them that they will succeed.

Why Parents Should Encourage Risk Taking

2/23/2022

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

I usually associate risk taking with bungee jumping or skydiving. Those are both “risks” I doubt I will ever take, no matter how many times my friends say “it’s so worth it”. While I am not a fan of heights, I do think I have taken risks in other ways. I think about the times when I have moved to a new city by myself. There were risks that I would not make friends and risks that I would regret having moved. However, I was willing to take those jumps because I knew I could find a way to handle it. As an adult, it feels easier to tell myself to take a risk. I can gauge if the risk is too big or if it might be just big enough by the amount of risks I have taken in life so far. Children can benefit from taking risks too. There are definitely times that a risk is too big (like the time I tried to jump into the pool without my floaties “like the big kids”). However, appropriate risk taking can actually be really helpful in their development. Below I have shared some of the benefits of allowing kids to take risks.

Risk taking builds confidence. I think one example of this is when a child first rides a bike without training wheels. Once they overcome the fear of falling (and likely fall a few times), they gain more confidence. When a child is able to try new things and they realize they have succeeded, it can be a huge self-confidence booster.
It increases the likelihood they will try new things. That self-confidence gain helps them see other risks as opportunities they can take. It helps them feel less limited in what they can do. When we try to protect a child a little too much, they end up learning that there are tasks they cannot do that they probably can. This can end up leading to more self-doubt.
They can learn to fail well. If they try something new and it does not go well, this can actually be a good thing! This allows them the opportunity to feel the disappointment, recover, and build strength to try again. They learn that they can feel disappointment and still be proud of giving it a go. In the end, this can increase their resilience when trying new things. This also gives a parent the chance to validate their child’s feelings of disappointment, while also reflecting on the courage it took to take the risk.
They learn what risks are too risky. When children try new things, they often look at their parent first to see if what they are about to do is safe. If a child has less opportunities to decide for themselves what risks to take, they might have a difficult time gauging what risk is too risky or reckless in the future. Like I shared above, if they decide to take a risk that ends up having been a tad too risky, it allows an opportunity for the parent and child to talk about it. It can help the child reflect on how they might better know for the future if a risk is too much.

While your child might not be begging to go bungee jumping, I would encourage you to consider what appropriate risks they could take that can help them continue to increase their self-confidence. By doing so, it can help increase their sense of agency as they move towards adulthood.

Recognizing Anxiety in Kids

2/16/2022

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

When I think of anxiety as an adult, I think of stressful thoughts, racing hearts, sweaty palms, and being preoccupied with whatever I’m anxious about. As adults, we’ve had years to learn to improve our ability to identify what emotion we’re feeling. When you can identify it, it makes it a lot easier to navigate how to cope. Sometimes just being able to identify an emotion is relieving in itself.

For kids however, it can be harder for them to identify and communicate what emotion they are feeling. It can be even more difficult because some emotions, like anxiety, can look like anything but anxiety! Below I have listed some ways of what anxiety can look like in kids that might differ from adults.

Difficulty concentrating. If their mind seems to wander more or if they are having difficulty focusing on tasks or daily activities, it might be anxiety. Sometimes their anxious thoughts can end up clouding their ability to focus in the same way that when adults are stressed, we might become more easily distracted.
Physical symptoms. You might also have heard this described as somatic symptoms. There was a time in high school when I kept feeling nauseous before school. I could never figure out what was causing it. It was not until I reached adulthood that I recognized it was anxiety manifesting as nausea. Anxiety can look like a variety of physical symptoms, like muscle tension or restlessness. If your child complains of tummy aches, this can be a possible sign of anxiety. (Of course, if you’re concerned about yours or your child’s physical health, it is best to consult a medical provider to ensure there is nothing else going on).
Irritability. Sometimes when a child is angry or even just frustrated, it really is not about the person or situation that is occurring. Rather, it might be anxiety coming out as anger. Anger can be a way of protecting oneself from something that is scary or worrisome. If your child has become more irritable recently, I would encourage you to be curious about what else might be going on and if there has been a recent change that might have initiated it.
Wanting to avoid school. It could be that they dread a specific class (this was me for every English class) or just not be a fan of school as a whole. It could also be that there is something about the school day that is so uncomfortable or anxiety producing that it feels safest to stay home. They just might not be able to identify that they are feeling anxious or what it is they are anxious about. If your child is attempting to avoid going to school, this behavior might not be as much about defiance but more so them feeling overwhelmed.
Withdrawing from others. Sometimes when a child seems depressed, it might actually be anxiety (or a combination of both). Like irritability, it can be another way to protect yourself. If a child withdraws from others, it can be a way to feel like they are able to take a step back from the anxiety producing situation.
Difficulty sleeping. I think as adults, a lot of us know that when we are stressed, we often won’t sleep well that night. For kids however, since they might not be able to verbalize their stress and anxiety, it comes out as difficulty sleeping.

While this isn’t an exhaustive list, these are some of the most common ways anxiety shows up in kids. If your child is experiencing any of the above, it might be helpful to check in with them on their stress levels and just remind them that you are there for them to be a listening ear.

Perfect Parenting is NOT the Goal

2/9/2022

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

As parents, there is so much pressure on us to try to do everything right, perfectly, or as well as possible as we raise our children. I think this has a lot to do with how much information there is regarding parenting and child development that we have access to. Additionally, there has been a shift culturally with people relating challenges they experience in their life to the parenting they received as a child.

As a therapist, this connection between past and present is often a topic in my sessions both with adults and often young adults. It certainly has been a topic of my own personal therapy sessions! Interestingly, since my clinical work also focuses heavily on parenting, and since I have become a mom and felt this immense pressure on parents myself, I also have a slightly different perspective on this tendency to expect parents to be perfect.

I fundamentally believe that it is impossible to parent perfectly. I also don’t think that it is a goal we should even have, and not just because it is impossible to accomplish but also because it is actually not helpful for our children to have perfect parents. I know this might sound strange to some of you, particularly if you don’t read my blog often, but our children are not served well by being led by people who are doing things perfectly.

You see, how to repair things with the people we love after we mess up is one of the most important things we figure out in our lives. How can we possibly learn how to do this if we have parents who never mess up and as such, never need to repair?

So, parents, a crucial part of parenting is acknowledging and accepting that you will not be perfect and that you will inevitably screw up, possibly in big ways. Once you can accept this, you can hopefully also open yourself up to learning how to repair with your child when you do mess up. Perhaps you mess up by yelling in response rather than calmly explaining things to them. In this situation, the best thing to do is to reconnect and repair with your child once you feel calm.

These moments are surprisingly simple, but can be challenging not to fill in with unnecessary words and emotion. The best strategy is to take a compassionate yet matter of fact approach and to explain, “yesterday when I yelled at you, I was wrong. I am so sorry and imagine you may have felt scared, upset, or sad. You have every right to feel that way. I am sorry for doing that and will try my best to speak to you calmly in the future. I love you and you do not deserve to be yelled at.”

Another way to handle things in the moment is to stop yourself, slow down, and simply explain that you do not like the way you are responding to them and ask if you can “restart.” If you can easily reconnect, go for it! If your child is reluctant to reconnect and restart, allow them time to feel their feelings and find time later to acknowledge what happened and that you messed up, similar to the above situation.

For many of us who had parents who never apologized or acknowledged their challenges, this is likely to feel very uncomfortable! The good news in this current parenting culture is that we are doing things differently so that opens us up to consider what we might have appreciated or what might have helped us as people when we were kids. Then, we can simply try our best to do that. And for those of us whose parents did not apologize, just imagine what it would feel like if your parent truly acknowledged the mistakes they made, your feelings, and allowed a conversation about that now. It would do wonders for your healing, growth, and relationship!

We all have an opportunity to create this kind of family climate from this point forward.

Let’s do it - imperfectly of course.

Strengths-Based Parenting

2/2/2022

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

As the saying goes, there is no user manual that comes with having a child. However, the amount of parenting advice, either asked for or not asked for, begins being shared not too long after someone announces they are pregnant. As much as someone might want to be the perfect parent, we all know that perfect parenting is not possible for anyone! It can be easy to become frustrated about ways you might feel like you are not doing the best, or exasperated when your efforts to help your child follow rules are not working. If you have been feeling this way, I would encourage you to take a moment to think about what you know you are doing well. What is one thing about parenting you know you are good at? As the title of this blog says, this is a start to parenting from a strengths-based perspective.
So what is a strengths-based perspective? In short, it puts more emphasis on catching and elevating your child’s strengths to help them become more confident, gain independence, and engage in more positive behaviors (like sharing their toys with their siblings or doing the dishes). There are a variety of ways someone can incorporate a strengths-based approach into their parenting style. Here are a few of them!

Take time to think about what your child’s top strengths are. Maybe your child is really generous, or maybe they are great at showing they care for others. This could show up as them deciding on their own to share their toy with their friend, or it might mean that when they see a child fall, they are one of the first ones to make sure the child is okay.
Point out when they use their strengths. This is similar to the idea of “catching them doing good”. Whatever their top strengths are, try letting them know you see them using that strength. This continues to increase the likelihood that they will engage in more positive behaviors while increasing their confidence and likelihood to try new tasks.
Reframe weaknesses as areas of growth. This can look like remembering that though your child might be struggling with something now, it does not mean they always will. When thinking about myself as a child, let’s just say forgiveness was an area of growth. It was very easy for me to hold a grudge, but over time, I was able to see that holding grudges really wasn’t benefitting me. If your child is in a similar situation, when you see them forgiving someone else, you can “catch” them and say “I love the way you were able to forgive them”. This encourages them to continue doing so!
Recognize the strengths you have as a parent. Yes, I think this is important enough to say twice in the same blog. :) With anything in life, it is so easy to notice our shortcomings more often than the things we are really good at. By recognizing your own strengths, it helps model for your child to notice theirs as well.

All in all, remembering to give yourself grace is so important. No matter the image anyone portrays, no one is a perfect parent (or always has an easy going child). If you ever respond to your child in a way that you wish you hadn’t - it’s okay! There will always be a next time and repair is the most important thing you can do as a parent.

5 Ways to Address Suicidal Ideation as a Parent

1/26/2022

By: Andrea Seldomridge

Wondering if your child is at risk of hurting themselves can feel incredibly scary. Sometimes it is hard to know if your child’s depressed mood is another part of being a child or teen, or if it is a sign of something more urgent. Maybe you are concerned that your child is feeling suicidal or they might have already communicated that they are indeed having suicidal thoughts. It can be hard to know how to keep your child safe when it comes it suicide or how to even broach the topic. If you are wondering if your child is experiencing suicidal thoughts or are concerned that their depression is something more than depression, here are some ways you can address suicidal ideation as a parent.

Check for warning signs. There are several potential warning signs of suicidal thoughts. These include experiencing a depressed mood, loss of interest in activities, increased substance use, saying statements like “I wish I could sleep and never wake up” or “no one would miss me if I was gone”, or talking about death and suicide.
Ask them directly if they are having suicidal thoughts. There is a common myth that asking someone if they are suicidal or bringing up the topic of suicide can put the idea in their mind. Research shows that this is not only a myth, but it is actually best to ask directly. This can look like “have you been having thoughts of killing yourself or thoughts of suicide?” This lets your child know that you see their pain, care enough to ask, and that you want to support them.
Assess risk. When we assess for risk in therapy, we always assess for if someone has a plan to commit suicide, an intent on doing so, and if they have the means to. As a parent, you can ask “have you made a plan to attempt suicide? have you thought about how you would attempt suicide?” and if so asking if they have access to the items they would use. If they answer yes to any of these, let them know you are glad they could share this information with you and that you will continue to be there for them. It would then be important to seek out professional help, such as contacting a therapist, calling a suicide hotline, or visiting your local emergency room if the risk is imminent.
Make the situation safe. Removing the means someone would commit suicide with is a way to help keep someone safe. For example, if a child shares that they would use medication to attempt suicide, you can keep the medication locked in a different cabinet. Additionally, I would highly encourage you to keep firearms locked and kept out of access.
Ask how you can support them. This can be different for every child, but if they are able to identify a way you can be there for them, thank them for letting you know. Be sure to avoid minimizing pain or providing a quick fix. If they are not ready to talk, you can let them know that it is okay if they are not ready and that you will be there to listen whenever they are. For many children, attending therapy can be a great place where they can begin talking with another person who will listen and support them. Lastly, another way to support them is finding small activities to engage in together, such as going on a walk or watching a movie. This shows them that you are there for them without feeling a pressure to talk.

If you are ever concerned for the safety of your child, seek out professional help. This can look like seeking out therapy for your child or calling the Access and Crisis line (1-888-724-7240). If your child is at immediate risk, call 911 or go to your local emergency room.

5 Ways to Support Teens with Low Self-Esteem

1/19/2022

By Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

Being a teen can be difficult to say the least. While it is a time of self-exploration, figuring out who you are and what you value, it is also a time when it becomes especially easy to compare yourself to others. A teen might not make the sports team or pass that difficult class, or may start to compare how they look to their peers. Most teens end up struggling with low self-esteem at some point. It can feel painful as a parent to see your child doubt themselves, but thankfully there are a few things parents can do to help their teen gain confidence in themselves.

Make space to listen rather than problem-solve. I think this is hands down the best thing one could do. Providing a space where your teen can share how they are feeling without providing a solution can make them feel heard and seen. It can be so easy to quickly point out what is great about them - there are likely several things that are great about them! However, sometimes it can end up feeling invalidating. Instead, you can just reflect to them how they are feeling by saying “I know you’re feeling down” or “I know you’re really frustrated with this class”.
Focus on efforts rather than outcomes. For myself, science was always the most difficult class and the tests that I never quite got the grade I was hoping for. I remember when someone told me “you worked really hard and that matters a lot”. It was so encouraging to have someone praise the effort I put into it, because even when I did not get the grade I could still be proud of myself for the extra studying. If your teen is dealing with low self-esteem regarding a class, not making the sports team, or just not meeting their expectations, try praising them for the efforts they put into it.
Encourage them to try new things. Encouraging your teen to try a new activity can help boost confidence and gain practice in putting themselves out there. Whether they do well or do not meet their expectations, you can reflect the courage it takes to try new activities.
Speak kindly to yourself. This is a great way to model positive self-talk! Many of us (including myself) are skilled in identifying the things we dislike about ourselves. Creating the habit of using positive self-talk with ourselves can be a good way to demonstrate it to teens.
Help them reflect on ways they have grown. When experiencing low self-esteem, all-or-nothing thinking can set it. It might leave them feeling like they have never been good enough and won’t ever be. Helping them identify things that were once difficult for them that they now do with ease can increase self-confidence.

Gaining self-esteem is a gradual process. Listening to your teen, reflecting their feelings, and being there for them are some of the best ways to help them increase their self-confidence.

<<Previous

The Importance & Myths of Emotions

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

How Parents Can Help Kids Learn From Mistakes

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

The Importance of Making Mistakes

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

What Your Kid Hears When You Say "Be Careful"

By Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

Why Parents Should Encourage Risk Taking

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

Recognizing Anxiety in Kids

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

Perfect Parenting is NOT the Goal

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Strengths-Based Parenting

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

5 Ways to Address Suicidal Ideation as a Parent

5 Ways to Support Teens with Low Self-Esteem

Blogs from the Thrive Family!

Categories

Archives

Call Today! 858-342-1304

Contact Us