Thrive Therapy Blog

Getting Through Tough Times as a Parent - A Therapist’s Personal Reflection

10/25/2021

If you are a regular Thrive blog reader, you will have noticed that I have not blogged in quite some time. Initially, I was just focused on some other areas of the business and my client and family needs and then this fall, our family life became very intense due to a Covid school closure after a planned school break and I feel like I am just now catching my breath over here!

With everything that has happened recently, I have not been the only one in my family struggling unfortunately. My son, Luca, who I adore, has seemed to also be struggling a bit. I have to admit that this recent period of challenge threw me for a loop! While I routinely work with my clients on remembering that their child’s development is not linear and to avoid catastrophic thinking, I struggled with this myself recently. You see, Luca, who has been in daycare his whole life essentially, started struggling with going to school after the planned vacation/time away, new school year, and then a two week closure due to Covid. Things are improving now, but wow, this really was tough for me as well! I thought it might be helpful to share about this as it has helped me clarify certain things about parenting that can be so tough for all of us, even me.

Here are my suggestions when you are dealing with a bump in your child’s development and believe me, these are all things I incorporated eventually and were helpful for me as well!

Breathe. Take a break. Enjoy the fun moments with your child. Even during difficult times, it is crucial that we communicate love and joy to our child. Even after Luca was having explosive meltdowns about not wanting to go to school, I tried to connect with him and help us both remember how much love we have for each other and how much I love him. I really tried to remember that he is doing the best he can and that he is struggling, which is okay, even if it is hard.
Talk to your “go to” parent friends. Get support. Even as someone who offers parents support on a daily basis, without judgment, I initially struggled with talking about what was happening and my fears. I am truly lucky that I have a great group of friends and colleagues that I can lean on, but it was still hard to reach out and share just how much I was struggling with this situation. When I did though, my friends were supportive and shared similar situations that they went through. Not only did this help me feel less alone, scared, and crazy - it helped me remember that most of the time these situations are temporary.
Keep it in perspective. As I mentioned above, most of the time these situations are temporary. Once I was able to get some support from my friends and family, I realized that I was completely catastrophizing the situation. Partially because of my work and seeing how difficult it can be to parent a child who doesn’t like school and might eventually struggle intensely with school refusal, I was very scared that we were heading down a difficult path. It really helped for me to remember that kids go through bumps, and they usually come out on the other side just fine.
Empathize and validate while holding boundaries. One of the most interesting things that I have reflected on for me about this situation was that I felt an instant need to solve the problem. You see, Luca had a very big meltdown one day going to school seemingly out of the blue (not necessarily true but it happened with such a delay after the vacation, school closure, and class change that it took me by surprise). I immediately began thinking of behavioral strategies like sticker charts that could help us get through this quickly. I was honestly anxious and very worn out from the past month myself and just couldn’t tolerate the idea of struggling with something after we finally had him back in school. While I was talking with my support system, I realized that this might not be a quick fix but it also likely wouldn’t be permanent and was something we could get through with skills I have well developed - empathy and validation plus boundaries. I remember one of the conversations I had where I realized this, oh, so to help Luca, I should just be a therapist about it? While funny now, I felt a bit silly that I had looked for so many quick answers instead of going to strategies that I myself recommend to parents!

Here is what it looked like for us in that situation… Luca would comment in the morning that he did not want to go to school. I would reply with “I hear you love, you don’t want to go to school” and then a few minutes later would direct him to the next task on our morning routine like brushing teeth. He would often keep commenting and at times crying a bit and I would tell him, “I know you don’t want to go to school love, this is really hard for you right now. And I believe you can handle it because we can do hard things.” This pattern continued with him sharing his feelings with me, and I would welcome him sharing about it and listen, validate his experience, while affirming that I am confident he will be okay and not giving any room for him to think he can negotiate by being unsure about his need to go to school. While this didn’t always feel great because I would rather he go to school happily, it was certainly better than the power struggles we could have had!

Lately, we seem to be in a better place where this is coming up periodically but not daily which is a relief. We only had one truly explosive and aggressive meltdown directly outside of school, which is also a relief. I am grateful for the reminder of things I know in my heart to be true, which is that kids will struggle and it is okay. They will struggle, we will not know what to do, and it will work out eventually. Plus, this experience strengthens our ability to pivot as parents and our kids’ ability to cope with challenges as they get older.

We just need to focus on our connection and relationship with them to get through those times as well as our village. In case you are curious, my village involves my team at Thrive and I am so grateful for them and their ability to support parents. If you are in need of support as a parent, please feel free to reach out to us as we truly get it and want to help!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

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What to do if your child is sad about missing Halloween?

10/24/2020

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As the pandemic has progressed and for many has been either a process of very gradual expanding of our social networks and for others, a process of opening our lives back up and then reducing again, it has been really tough to know what to expect of events anymore. Particularly events like the holidays feel different right now.

While I am not personally even the biggest Halloween fan, I found myself feeling a bit sad about Halloween and not being able to take our toddler trick or treating this year. I imagine that we are not the only family in this situation either! I was thinking about how our family has approached things as well as what other parents might be struggling with, such as how we handle the conversation with our kids about holidays and holidays not being what we expect or anticipate.

I think one of the most important things we can do as parents is be clear about what our plans are. I think at this point, two weeks away from Halloween, most families should come up with exactly what they are going to do. Are they going to trick or treat in their neighborhood? Are they going to any small events? Are they dressing up at all? Are they going to the pumpkin patch? All of the things you would normally do should be considered to see if you plan to do them this year. Once you and your parenting partner(s) decide the plan, I think it is best to clearly share it with your kid(s) so everyone knows what to expect.

Next up… we need to be really understanding about our kids’ feelings and spend time validating them and listening to how they feel about the change. Remember that a big part of holidays is the tradition around them and the expectation of the fun things we get to experience as a family. Whatever is different this year will likely be challenging in some way and we don’t want to brush off our kids’ feelings. Try asking them what they are really missing the most and see if it is possible to recreate it in a safe way!

Finally, if there is anything in your conversations with your kids that comes up as safe alternatives to the usual plans that involve lots of people, try to see if you can work that into your plan. Perhaps you can trick or treat between a few neighbors houses over and over. Perhaps you can do some extra zoom calls or “boo” treat bags for friends. While this year is not going as we had hoped it would in January, I do think we are all getting a bit better at rolling with whatever life hands us! While we can hope the same of our kids, we need to be sure to allow them the space and time to be upset, sad, or disappointed when things don’t go how they want. They are kids after all and they have much less experience at managing expectations than adults, despite 2020 giving them so many opportunities to do just that!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

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Distance Learning Tips for Children

9/2/2020

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As therapists who work primarily with children, teens, and their families, we at Thrive have all been witnessing just how stressful this fall has been for families. Everyone seems worried and anxious about distance learning so we thought we would put together some tips to help families adjust as best as they can! This blog reviews our tips for younger children and we will post one about teens later this week!

Get organized
- Create a schedule: dedicate study time, live instruction time, and break times
- Schedule something active (not screens) for break time (remember, kids are used to having recess at school!). Try walking around the block, playing in the backyard, or even a fitness video indoors. This will help them get the energy out and be able to focus on other tasks.
- Set up a dedicated study area and a break area. If your child is younger, they might need to be in the same room as you because they need more guidance. Older children who can do independent work should be in an area where they won’t be distracted.
- Have all the necessary supplies at their study station to reduce distraction when they need to get up and grab something
Increasing focus/attention
- Use headphones to reduce distraction. It’ll also let other people in the home focus on their own work.
- Have non-distracting fidget toys for children who crave sensory input (ones without sounds or will cause a big distraction for the class)
  - Ex - Putty, stretchy/rubber worms, stress ball or squishy, magnets
- If sitting, make sure the child is in a 90/90/90 position.
  - 90 Degree angles at elbows, hips, and knees with feet flat on the floor
- If your child cannot sit still try using alternatives to sitting
  - Ex - Laying on stomach, standing desk, sitting on yoga ball or wobbly chair
Manage stress
- This is an unusual situation! It is normal to feel stressed, anxious, or have high emotions. No one can expect parents to be a full-time teacher nor for children to do as well as they did with in-person learning.
- Offer reassurance that this is tough and others are probably struggling too. Contact the teacher or the child’s support team if assignments or classes are too challenging (is their room to adapt or offer flexibility?)
- Help children maintain contact with their friends. The thrill of starting school is usually when you see your friends again. With online learning, this isn’t possible. Schedule Facetime/Zoom calls for them with their classmates outside of class time.
- Be compassionate and patient. Your child is probably trying their best. Tune in to what they need. Maybe they need more movement breaks than they are allowed. Have structure, but don’t be too rigid.

For most families, this is going to be a huge adjustment and possibly very challenging. The best we can do is just approach it with a positive attitude, be prepared (hopefully by using some of our tips), and try to be flexible with our expectations and adjust as needed over time! If any families need further support, please feel free to reach out to us at Thrive!

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Help! My Kids Are Driving Me Insane in Quarantine!

5/1/2020

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Have you been feeling like your house has turned into a zoo? If so, then you are not alone! When the shelter-in-place order started, these are some things that my younger clients have told me:

“I love coronavirus. I get to stay home. I don’t have school.”
“I’m good! I don’t have math.”
“I got to watch movies and play all day! It’s great!”
“It’s like vacation and I’m with my family.”

And as expected, these statements did not last that long. Children don’t process loss or tragedy and adapt as quickly as adults do. In about two weeks after my clients made these statements, I started to get phone calls and emails from parents about their children “acting out” and having behavioral issues. It has started to sink in that the changes might not be so fun after all, and they are grieving their old lifestyle more than they knew. And before you know it, the confusion, uncertainty, and frustration (combined with cabin fever) start to hit them all at once. Although I can’t guarantee when things will get better for your child, there are ways that you can help support them and make staying at home more tolerable for everyone.

The first and most important rule of thumb is to be patient and be an active listener. Chances are, your child is not “acting out” on purpose. I’m a firm believer that there is always an underlying cause for a behavior. Often times, my clients have shared that they felt unheard or are angry about something in their lives. Acting out is just a way to externalize those feelings. Imagine if I had taken out half of the words in your vocabulary and you weren’t able to convey your thoughts to me. Your child’s behaviors are their way of conveying what’s going on inside. It may not be easy but patience can help your children feel that everything will be okay.

Staying active. Children who don’t get enough physical exercise during the day can often become restless when it is time to settle down. Anxiety, fear, and sadness can also show up as irritability in younger children. Keeping their heart rate up, and spending the extra energy will help ease their anxiety and (hopefully) help them feel tired when it is time for bed. Children are used to using both mental and physical energy 8 hours a day when they were going to school. Because this component is missing, try filling it with other ways to keep them engaged. Notice I didn’t say keep them entertained. I know there is a lot of stress out there for parents trying to keep their children happy now that they are home all day, but that does not have to be the case. This is about helping them spend excess mental and physical energy. And for parents who work from home, some of these activities can be done independently after showing them. Below are some ideas you can try:

Mentally challenging activities

Starting a jigsaw puzzle
Learning to knit/sew
Learning an instrument (there are apps out there for this!)
Scavenger hunt (can be done on a walk or in the home)
Crafting (I’ve had clients stay engaged by making and donating masks to neighbors or hospitals)
Commit to learning a new language for the whole family (maybe even practice holding a conversation in that language during dinner)

Physical activities

Dancing (Just Dance 2020 on the Switch is super fun!)
Walking or grooming your pet
Jumping on the trampoline
Relay races or obstacle courses in the home
Twister
The floor is lava (remember this one?)
Musical chairs
Virtual fitness classes for kids

Limit their exposure. This may seem strange for an article about behavioral issues in children; however, the current news coverage about COVID-19 has triggered a lot of fear response in children. Children are always listening and observing even when you think they aren’t. I’ve had young clients expressing their fears about getting sick, when things will open, how many cases are in San Diego and so much information that even I have not yet seen. Children can easily misinterpret what they hear and become frustrated about something they can’t understand. In turn, this can bring about more confused feelings that may already exist.

Lastly, staying connected to family and friends can help bring about some normalcy in their lives. Has your child facetimed their grandparents, aunts, or uncles lately? It may be helpful to reach out to other parents and set up virtual play dates. They might just show each other their toys or their room, but it is good to help them feel connected especially if they miss their friends. I’ve recently helped a client set up a Netflix Party with their friends so they can have a virtual slumber party (it was a hit!). This can be a real mood booster for some kids!

Remember that you, as a parent, are grieving too. It’s okay that you may feel short lately and found that you can’t have as much patience as you would like. Your children learn by example, so as long as you are trying and showing them that it is okay to pick yourself back up… that is an important life lesson on its own!

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So your child is “at risk” for autism, now what?

10/7/2019

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Some readers might be wondering what autism even is so I thought it might help to share a bit about it before continuing with the blog. In layperson’s terms, autism is term that describes a broad range of conditions that typically involve challenges in social relationships, verbal skills, nonverbal communication, general development, and can include repetitive behaviors or approaching the world in a more rigid, structured way. Because the term “autism” encompasses a wide spectrum of individuals who often experience the world in many different ways, it is difficult to generalize what an autism diagnosis will mean for your family or child. It is best to seek understanding for how your child may or may not experience the world, rather than to project ideas of what this might mean for them onto them. Also keep in mind that many common portrayals of individuals with autism in our media (example of Rain Man) are entirely inaccurate and do not describe everyone.

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Since one of my specialties is working with parents of kids with autism and working with individuals on the autism spectrum in general, a question I get asked a lot is about what to do when your child is either screened as being at risk for having autism or newly diagnosed with autism. Particularly because young children are often getting screened for autism starting at their well child visits with their pediatricians around a year of age or younger, this has become much more common for parents to wonder about and experience.

In my experience, this can be such an overwhelming process for parents and one that unfortunately, not every pediatrician is skilled at handling well with them. Often, parents are given a long list of resources without much direction as to what would be most helpful for their child or they are steered towards Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) immediately. While ABA can be helpful for some children, it is becoming much more commonly referenced as a therapy to treat almost any childhood challenge. I find this a bit alarming because ABA therapy is very behavioral in nature and at times can miss the more emotional component of what is going on for children.

So, what do I recommend to parents with either a newly diagnosed child on the spectrum or a newly screened “at risk” toddler?

Step One: Take a deep breath.
This sounds silly but I find that parents in this situation are so overwhelmed and overcome with a feeling of urgency to get your child into the “right” treatment or intervention that is going to “fix” them. The thing is, it is okay and preferable to take some time with this experience. Your child is not different today than they were yesterday and while early intervention is very helpful, it is okay if you set it up next week or next month, rather than right this second. It is okay to make sure you are wrapping your head around what is happening first so that you can be a calm place to set up the services you feel comfortable with. In other words, take a deep breath and let yourself sit with this information before you do anything else. A calm, peaceful parent is going to be the most helpful as you go through the next parts of this process.

I’d also like to note that there are a lot of myths out there about what it means to have autism and that the reality is not what you may see on TV, movies, or the internet. It is a BIG spectrum with a lot of variability so just because your child might fall somewhere on it, does not mean they will be a certain way or not be a certain way. For example, parents tend to worry that their child will not show them affection if they have autism and this is just not the case for all kids. Some kids are affectionate, some are not and this applies similarly to people on the spectrum too.

While having a child with autism can be challenging at times, it is also pretty amazing at times – just like parenting any child. I am of the belief that we all have our struggles, and our children will too, and it is all about figuring out what our children need to thrive. Some of my favorite clients and people have autism and I truly love being able to know them and the way they experience the world. I could go on and on but my point here is simply, try not to panic or overreact to this news.

Step Two: Do a little research.
By this, I mean that it would be helpful to consider what your child is experiencing and if you fully agree with their diagnosis or at risk status. Have you been having concerns yourself perhaps that their development is not where you think it should be or matching other kids you know or see? When you read more about children with autism, does it match your experience? Do you feel you might want a second opinion? Maybe read a few books or blogs from other parents or experts in the field to help you gage what you are seeing and feeling. Keep in mind that some children are going to get a positive screen and then not end up meeting the criteria for being on the spectrum when they are older. I always say that this is why I am so conservative in diagnosing children and teens because sometimes their symptoms are more developmental than pathological, though they may at times be problematic.

Step Three: Seek Consultation
I would also encourage you to seek consultation with a therapist or psychologist who specializes in working with children on the spectrum or even to seek out a more formal full developmental assessment. Ideally, this person can help you chart a course of treatment individualized to your family and child’s situation. Often, parents are given so many ideas of what to do (Speech, OT, ABA, individual therapy, group therapy, etc.) that it can be overwhelming. Ideally, you can find someone who can help you determine what your child would benefit most from and start with that method of therapy. Therapists, psychologists, speech, and OT providers can be helpful to consult with to help you determine the best path forward.

If you feel your child’s diagnosis is accurate, this is where you want to start collecting treatment options to see what would be a good fit for your family. It might help to join some Facebook groups with other parents in the same situation so that you can check in with what other parents are doing and what their experiences have been with different therapies and providers. I have found that treatment options really vary depending on your child’s presentation and needs so remember that none of this is one size fits all! A great resource in San Diego can be San Diego Regional Center also so this might be a good time to reach out to them.

I hope these ideas are helpful to you! If you have questions or are a parent of a newly diagnosed child with autism or even an “at risk” child, feel free to reach out to us to see if we can support you at our office. We love working with parents in parent consultation sessions or even individual therapy to help support you throughout this process. Raising a child who is developing differently can be very challenging at times and we are happy to help however we can!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

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The Problem with Rescuing Your Kids

6/5/2019

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

As a therapist who specializes in working with kids, teens, parents, and families, I have noticed a growing and very concerning trend in my work. So many of the kids, teens, and even young adults that I work with are struggling with anxiety, crippling perfectionism, and so much self doubt that they struggle to do things they desperately want to be doing. At the root of so much of this are feelings of incompetence and a huge fear of failure.

I have been contemplating this challenge and recent parenting trends and have noticed that this happens more in the families I work with where parents seem to be struggling to let their kids deal with things on their own. Unfortunately, these parents get kind of a bad rap as “helicopter” parents when in fact, they are parents who are simply struggling to know when it is appropriate to let their kid/teen/young adult fail or struggle through something. And the root of this struggle is usually so much love for their little one (who may not be so little anymore) as well as overwhelming fear about what might happen for their kid/teen/young adult if they do not participate so heavily in their lives.

This fear is one most parents know well. What if they don’t get into a good college? What if they make choices that screw up their whole life? What if they do something I can’t help them undo? What if they can’t get a good job? And the list just goes on and on. As a result (I believe), we are overdoing it in the parenting department. We are rescuing our kids way too much and then we come to find that our kids seem to need to be rescued. Weird huh.

When you look at what happens and what a person will think if they are being rescued from situations, it starts to make sense. When we rescue a person from a situation that they are either capable of handling on their own or almost capable of handling on their own, the message we are giving them is not one of their own ability but one of their need for us to handle things for them. We teach them that they need us and that they can’t do these things on their own. We teach them to ask for help before they need it, before problem solving on their own, and to at all costs avoid struggling with something.

Instead, we need to give our kids the following kinds of messages by verbalizing them as well as by our actions in letting them handle most problems on their own:

“I know you are struggling but you are also resourceful and able to figure things out on your own”
“I’m here to help but I can’t solve this problem for you”
“I have faith that you can figure this out”
“No matter what happens, we will figure this out together but you need to take some steps at solving the problem first”
“I know it’s hard, but you can do hard things”

I could go on and on but I won’t. The point is that we definitely need to help when it is needed. But we are so often confused about when it is needed that we are rescuing way too often, which is not helping our kids/teens/young adults develop into the independent and capable people that we know they are meant to be. I encourage you to trust yourself as a parent and trust your “little one,” however old they may be, that they can figure things out and will benefit from a little struggle and failure along the way. Just like most of us did on our way to becoming independent adults.

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

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Family Separation and Early Life Trauma

6/27/2018

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By: Panicha McGuire, M.A.

By now, you’ve probably heard about the children being separated from their families at the US-Mexico border. Just to be clear, there is no official Trump administration policy stating that families entering the U.S. without papers are to be separated. The “zero tolerance policy” is that all adults entering the U.S. illegally are to be criminally prosecuted; however, when these adults are sent before a judge to see if they will be deported or sent to federal jail, that’s when separation happens. So, while the parents await to see what happens to them, the “unaccompanied children” have to be dealt with. Children are then separated and transferred to the Office of Refugee Resettlement (ORR) in the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). Most children do not have relatives already in the U.S. so they are placed in short-term shelters or foster families since criminal defendants don’t have a right to have their children with them in jail.

Now politics aside, we cannot ignore that separating children from their parents has several psychological and even biological implications. Forced separation places children at a high risk for mental health issues. The trauma of being separated from their parents or family members only adds to the stressful experiences they have already endured in order to arrive at the border. The accumulated stress from these traumatic experiences disrupts their brain development, and the effects can unfortunately last a lifetime.

Parents are essential in fulfilling the child’s fundamental needs for early attachment, or parent-child bond. In my work with attachment, being deprived from parental care (even if children are placed in stable and loving families) can cause both short term and long term biological and psychological issues. This disruption in attachment creates a belief system that their parents are unreliable and that the world is unpredictable, which can become problematic. In the short-term, these children are at a higher risk for problems with sleep, impulsivity, emotion regulation, anxiety, and depression. The long-term implications are impaired cognitive functioning and social-emotional functioning, and the increased risk of developing mental health disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder, severe anxiety disorders, depression, and the list continues. The consequences of family separation are profound; so, if you are personally affected or would simply like to take action, please check out the resources below.

Donating or Joining the Community

Contacting your Elected Officials

Contact your Senators and Representatives to urge them to support the Keep Families Together Act(SB3036), a bill that would stop family separation.
- Call your members of Congress at 202-224-3121. There are a few pauses, but don’t hang up, wait for the audio recordings and follow the prompts to get connected. When connected, say you support SB 3036 and you are asking that they support it too.
- Alternatively, you can also email your senators.
Here’s a script in case you do not know where to start.

Sign Petitions

Note from Thrive Founder, Erica Wollerman:
While I usually try to avoid posting anything political on our website and Facebook page, since our practice is dedicated to supporting children, teens, parents, and families, I personally felt that the separation of children from their families was a topic we just could not ignore. At Thrive, we spend our time uniting families and working through communication issues, conflict, and difficulties connecting as well as childhood trauma at times. We are all concerned about the damage being caused to these children, teens, parents, and families and wanted to share not just our opinions, but information about why we are concerned as well as ways some of you can help.

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6 Ways to build Resilience and Grit in Children and Teens

6/10/2018

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

The concepts of resilience and grit have been hot topics recently, particularly in the parenting, education, and psychology fields. This is for good reason as these qualities have been shown to be some of the most important traits you can help your child/teen develop in order to become successful adults. Interestingly, these are also traits that many adults are noticing seem to be lacking in some of the younger generations, which is a concern being written about all over the place online it seems.

These hot topic concepts also come up often in my office frequently, particularly when parents begin to recognize that these are character traits that their children, teens, or young adults seem to lack. I hear comments and concerns from parents due to their children or teens not being able to persist or manage their frustration during difficult tasks. Sometimes, it shows up in their inability to make decisions and follow through on them because they are fearful of their ability to manage a possible “wrong” decision.

I thought it could be helpful to write a blog with my tips for ways parents can help their children build resilience and grit from a young age to help prevent some of these challenges. As a psychologist who specializes in treating individuals across the lifespan and in working with parents, I believe that I have a unique perspective on how this trait may develop in small ways over a life.

Before we get into this topic too much, it might help to give some background on these concepts.

Resilience
I love the way resilience is described in this article on the American Psychological Association’s website – “Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress… It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.” (You can find the original article and related information on resilience here).

Grit
As described by Angela Duckworth in her TED talk on grit (Check it out here!), grit is “perseverance and passion for long-term goals.”

I believe the most important thing to know about resilience and grit is that they are character traits that can be developed and are not innate things that we either have or don’t have. These traits result from conscious choices about how we cope with the world and how we handle the adversity that we will inevitably face in our lives.

Hopefully these brief descriptions help you see just how important these traits are. Resilience is essentially the ability to continue when life is difficult and to overcome failure and Grit is the tendency to persist when the road to overcome failure becomes tough.

6 Ways to help your child develop resilience and grit:

1. Expect that life will have challenges
I love that parents want to raise their children with the mindset that things will go well for them. I totally can relate to wanting to have things be smooth for your child – it is really tough to watch your child struggle! However, this idea that things will go well and that problems are the anomaly is unfortunately completely inaccurate and misguided. Challenges in life are the norm and should be expected. Therefore, we as parents can do our best job for our kids by preparing them for challenges and how to use them as learning experiences!

I think normalizing challenge and struggle for your children is important and you can do that in many ways. For example saying something like, “I know that is tough, sometimes things in life will be tough for us, but we can handle it” or “Life can be really unfair and difficult sometimes, I think this is one of those times, but I know we can get through it together.” Another way you can do this is by sharing some of your own challenges with them. For example, if your child is struggling in a friendship, you can say something about how you remember what that was like for you as a child and the ways you learned to deal with the feelings you had. This will help them know they are not alone and that they are not the only ones dealing with a difficulty.

2. Allow them to experience failure
This is absolutely crucial!  I hear from parents all the time just how much they want their kids to be happy and to succeed. However, they often mistakenly help their kids avoid failure too much and prevent them from the learning opportunities that come with failing. This can give them the message that they are not capable to dealing with or surviving challenges.

I would even take this one step further and suggest that you as a parent embrace failure. Failure means so many wonderful things – it means that you tried something new that was outside of your comfort zone, it means you pushed yourself and found your limit with something, failure means that you were brave. We often have a negative perception of failure in our culture and I would encourage us to reconsider this, especially as parents!  Failure is not the worst thing by any means, it is a step on your path and a learning opportunity. (Check out my longer blog post on this very topic here).

3. Let your kids make decisions and deal with the outcomes
Let’s say that your child is debating about what sport they want to play or what class they want to take in school. You know that the one they are choosing may not be entirely the best fit for them but they really want to try it. I would recommend you let them make the decision and then deal with how it turns out. Maybe they love it – great, they now made a decision that worked out for them and that’s a great learning experience!  Maybe they hate it – great, now they have made a decision that they can learn so much from. The best part of them hating it is that you can then work with them on how they deal with a difficult class, teacher, sport, etc. for the duration of the semester, season, etc.

Another example would be for a younger child when they choose ice cream at the ice cream shop you are pretty sure they will hate. Let them choose and then don’t rescue them from the outcome. Everything in life is there to teach us something so help them find the lesson there!

4. Don’t rescue too much or too quickly
When your child is struggling with something, try not to just jump in and either do it for them, fix the problem, or correct their mistake. Try to figure out exactly where their skill level is for dealing with that situation and then support them through scaffolding, expecting them to push themselves a little bit beyond their existing skill level to deal with it. For example, when your child is completing a puzzle and feels that it is too hard, push them to work for a few more minutes before you come to help. When you come over to help, don’t just do it for them or point out where the pieces go, talk them through their process of decision making and give little suggestions that will help them figure it out on their own.

The most important thing is that if you as a parent view challenges as opportunities to learn, your child will too!

5. Teach your kids to persist through challenges
So when a challenging situation comes up, model for them how to deal with it in a healthy, persistent way. It helps if you have a positive attitude about life’s challenges also!

Our language around challenges really matters in these situations – here are some examples of ways to talk positively about challenges:

“Oh this is tough, what a great way to learn!”
“I love a challenge”
“Mistakes and challenges help our brain grow”
“Let’s try to look at this another way”
“It’s important that we keep trying rather than giving up”
“I think we can figure this out together”
“I know it’s tough but we can do hard things”

6. Be comfortable with your own struggle and failures
If you can feel comfortable with the fact that things will not always go our way in life, you will inevitably pass that message on to your child. If you expect perfection or things to go smoothly, you will pass that on to your child too. So, I think it is important that you think about your relationship with adversity while you think about how to help your child through it. If you notice that you struggle with your own failures or with being resilient or having grit, perhaps it would be a good time to work on that in yourself while you work on it with your child!

Some great resources for developing more grit and resilience for yourself as an adult:

Brene Brown’s work – All of her books are amazing but Rising Strong speaks to this the most
Angela Duckworth – Her Ted Talk or book, Grit would be a great place to start!
Researching information on Growth Mindset – there are a ton of resources online!
Pema Chodron’s work and books
Sheryl Sandberg's book Option B has a great discussion on building resilience

I hope that this list can be a jumping off point for you in learning how to help your child overcome adversity to develop more grit and resilience! If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

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What Parents Need to Know About Childhood Depression

6/1/2018

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By: Panicha McGuire, M.A.

Most people think of depression as an adult mental health issue, but children and teens can develop depression too. Sometimes adults assume that children or teens can’t be depressed because they have nothing to worry about, but even those who live in a stress-free and loving environment can develop depression.

Many children and teens with depression are often left untreated because adults don’t recognize their symptoms. It can be difficult to tell whether a child or teen is going through a temporary “phase” or is actually suffering from depression. While most adults with depression look sad, children and teens may look more irritable or angry. Children and teens who cause trouble at school or at home could be suffering from depression.

The following are common signs of childhood depression:

Changes in behavior (ourbursts, irritability, anger, defiance, academic issues)
Physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches)
Decreased interest in activities (no longer enjoys previously enjoyable activities)
Low energy, increased boredom
Isolation from peers and difficulty with relationships
Poor concentration
A major change in eating or sleeping
Significant weight gain or weight loss
Frequent talk or thoughts about death, dying, or suicide (in younger children, these themes may present themselves through play)
Hopelessness
Crying more often or more easily
Harming self (cutting, scratching, hitting)

It’s important to note that not all children or teens will have these symptoms. Some children and teens may continue to function well in their environment despite experiencing depression.

What can parents or caregivers do?
The best thing parents or caregivers can do is to be proactive about your child’s mental health. Younger children often lack the language to tell their parents what they’re experiencing. Teens on the other hand may have a better understanding of depression but may feel embarrassed about coming forward. Learn the warning signs of depression in children and teens and take note of how long the problem has been going on as well as how often they happen. Then, you’ll have a record of concerning changes you can address with a mental health professional. Depression is treatable so seek help as soon as possible!

If you are concerned about your child/teen and would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered at Thrive Therapy Studio and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

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10 Activities to Build Attachment

3/15/2018

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By: Panicha Sillapawatayanon, M.A.

When our children are babies, we play with them by cooing, bouncing them on our knees, or playing peek-a-boo. These interactions help babies gain trust, security, and joy, as they learn to connect with their caregivers. But when life moves forward and our children grow older, it’s easy for us to get caught up by the stress of work, financial difficulties, illnesses, or any of life’s challenges that we forget to maintain our connection with them. And of course, your child might want to play with you when you least feel like playing with them! Attachment play is a wonderful resource for building a connection, and only 20-30 minutes of playtime a day could help you restore your connection with your child. Research studies have supported the effectiveness of attachment activities in helping children with emotional and behavioral problems—though attachment play can benefit everyone.
It is never too late to engage your children in this type of play. A major advantage of attachment-based play is that it does not require any special toys or materials. You can use what you already have at home (pillows, dolls, and even cotton balls!). You can also play with your child anywhere and anytime, whether it is on the playground or in your car. And if you have more children in your home, you can involve them too!

Here are some attachment activities I recommend to strengthen your connection to your child (these work best with children 3 and up!)

Painting faces - No, not real paint (unless you want to!). Use baby lotion or baby powder (or even pretend) and paint each other’s faces. This activity also helps with their fine motor skills.
Build a tunnel - Two caregivers form a tunnel with their arms then have your child/children crawl through the tunnel as fast as they can before it collapses. Give them a big hug when the bridge collapses!
Play catch - Rolling a ball back and forth may be easier for little ones. This also teaches them reciprocity!
Snack time - You can use cheerios, baby cereal, or m&m’s to feed your child with your hand. Maybe even throw in some airplanes or ABC’s with each one you pop in their mouth.
Weather forecast - This works for older children as well. Have your child face away from you while you give them a weather forecast by drawing the sun, sky, clouds, wind, etc. on their back.
Cotton ball - Use a regular cotton ball and a dab of lotion to stick the cotton ball anywhere on your face or your child’s face. Take turns trying to blow the cotton ball off. Or maybe even continue sticking the cotton ball to your faces and see how long it’ll take for it to fall off!
Pillow ride - Be ready for a wild ride! Have your child sit on a big pillow as you drag them around the room. Only move when they make eye contact with you.
Popping bubbles - Blow bubbles in front of your child and help them pop the bubbles with their hands, fingers, or even toes (or nose!). Help them practice their listening skills by giving instructions like “Pop it with your pinky” or “Use your nose”.
Blanket swing - Place your child in a blanket, hold on to one end, and have another adult hold the other end to give the child a gentle swing while singing your favorite tunes.
Slippery arms - Have your child face you, put lotion on your hands and grab their arms. It’ll be so slippery sometimes you’ll fall backwards. They’ll get a good laugh out of this one!

Set aside dedicated time to try these attachment-building activities with your child and see the different ways they can interact with you. At Thrive Therapy Studio, I help parents connect with their children through attachment-based play therapy by using a variety of interactive activities in session. Whether you would like to restore your connection with your child, build a connection between siblings, or just increase your knowledge on the therapeutic benefits of attachment play, I’m here to help!

If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

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