By now, you’ve probably heard about the children being separated from their families at the US-Mexico border. Just to be clear, there is no official Trump administration policy stating that families entering the U.S. without papers are to be separated. The “zero tolerance policy” is that all adults entering the U.S. illegally are to be criminally prosecuted; however, when these adults are sent before a judge to see if they will be deported or sent to federal jail, that’s when separation happens. So, while the parents await to see what happens to them, the “unaccompanied children” have to be dealt with.  Children are then separated and transferred to the Office of Refugee Resettlement (ORR) in the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). Most children do not have relatives already in the U.S. so they are placed in short-term shelters or foster families since criminal defendants don’t have a right to have their children with them in jail. 

Now politics aside, we cannot ignore that separating children from their parents has several psychological and even biological implications. Forced separation places children at a high risk for mental health issues. The trauma of being separated from their parents or family members only adds to the stressful experiences they have already endured in order to arrive at the border. The accumulated stress from these traumatic experiences disrupts their brain development, and the effects can unfortunately last a lifetime.

Parents are essential in fulfilling the child’s fundamental needs for early attachment, or parent-child bond. In my work with attachment, being deprived from parental care (even if children are placed in stable and loving families) can cause both short term and long term biological and psychological issues. This disruption in attachment creates a belief system that their parents are unreliable and that the world is unpredictable, which can become problematic. In the short-term, these children are at a higher risk for problems with sleep, impulsivity, emotion regulation, anxiety, and depression. The long-term implications are impaired cognitive functioning and social-emotional functioning, and the increased risk of developing mental health disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder, severe anxiety disorders, depression, and the list continues. The consequences of family separation are profound; so, if you are personally affected or would simply like to take action, please check out the resources below. 

Donating or Joining the Community

• Young Center for Immigrant Children’s rights
• Families Belong Together
• Together Rising
• Texas Civil Rights Project
• Las Americas Immigrant Advocacy Center
• Detained Migrant Solidarity Committee-Fianza Fund

Contacting your Elected Officials

• Contact your Senators and Representatives to urge them to support the Keep Families Together Act(SB3036), a bill that would stop family separation. 
  • Call your members of Congress at 202-224-3121. There are a few pauses, but don’t hang up, wait for the audio recordings and follow the prompts to get connected. When connected, say you support SB 3036 and you are asking that they support it too.
  • Alternatively, you can also email your senators.
• Here’s a script in case you do not know where to start.

Sign Petitions

• https://www.petitions.moveon.org/sign/familiestogether?source=homepage
• https://action.kamalaharris.org/sign/petition-180618-nielsen/?t=3&akid=73%2E176936%2ENRkXFy

​Note from Thrive Founder, Erica Wollerman: 
​While I usually try to avoid posting anything political on our website and Facebook page, since our practice is dedicated to supporting children, teens, parents, and families, I personally felt that the separation of children from their families was a topic we just could not ignore. At Thrive, we spend our time uniting families and working through communication issues, conflict, and difficulties connecting as well as childhood trauma at times. We are all concerned about the damage being caused to these children, teens, parents, and families and wanted to share not just our opinions, but information about why we are concerned as well as ways some of you can help. 
 

The concepts of resilience and grit have been hot topics recently, particularly in the parenting, education, and psychology fields. This is for good reason as these qualities have been shown to be some of the most important traits you can help your child/teen develop in order to become successful adults. Interestingly, these are also traits that many adults are noticing seem to be lacking in some of the younger generations, which is a concern being written about all over the place online it seems. 
 
These hot topic concepts also come up often in my office frequently, particularly when parents begin to recognize that these are character traits that their children, teens, or young adults seem to lack. I hear comments and concerns from parents due to their children or teens not being able to persist or manage their frustration during difficult tasks. Sometimes, it shows up in their inability to make decisions and follow through on them because they are fearful of their ability to manage a possible “wrong” decision. 
 
I thought it could be helpful to write a blog with my tips for ways parents can help their children build resilience and grit from a young age to help prevent some of these challenges. As a psychologist who specializes in treating individuals across the lifespan and in working with parents, I believe that I have a unique perspective on how this trait may develop in small ways over a life. 
 
Before we get into this topic too much, it might help to give some background on these concepts. 
 
Resilience
I love the way resilience is described in this article on the American Psychological Association’s website – “Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress… It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.” (You can find the original article and related information on resilience here).
 
Grit
As described by Angela Duckworth in her TED talk on grit (Check it out here!), grit is “perseverance and passion for long-term goals.” 
 
I believe the most important thing to know about resilience and grit is that they are character traits that can be developed and are not innate things that we either have or don’t have. These traits result from conscious choices about how we cope with the world and how we handle the adversity that we will inevitably face in our lives. 
 
Hopefully these brief descriptions help you see just how important these traits are. Resilience is essentially the ability to continue when life is difficult and to overcome failure and Grit is the tendency to persist when the road to overcome failure becomes tough. 
 
6 Ways to help your child develop resilience and grit: 
 
1.  Expect that life will have challenges
I love that parents want to raise their children with the mindset that things will go well for them. I totally can relate to wanting to have things be smooth for your child – it is really tough to watch your child struggle! However, this idea that things will go well and that problems are the anomaly is unfortunately completely inaccurate and misguided. Challenges in life are the norm and should be expected. Therefore, we as parents can do our best job for our kids by preparing them for challenges and how to use them as learning experiences! 
 
I think normalizing challenge and struggle for your children is important and you can do that in many ways. For example saying something like, “I know that is tough, sometimes things in life will be tough for us, but we can handle it” or “Life can be really unfair and difficult sometimes, I think this is one of those times, but I know we can get through it together.” Another way you can do this is by sharing some of your own challenges with them. For example, if your child is struggling in a friendship, you can say something about how you remember what that was like for you as a child and the ways you learned to deal with the feelings you had. This will help them know they are not alone and that they are not the only ones dealing with a difficulty. 
 
2.  Allow them to experience failure
This is absolutely crucial!  I hear from parents all the time just how much they want their kids to be happy and to succeed. However, they often mistakenly help their kids avoid failure too much and prevent them from the learning opportunities that come with failing. This can give them the message that they are not capable to dealing with or surviving challenges. 
 
I would even take this one step further and suggest that you as a parent embrace failure. Failure means so many wonderful things – it means that you tried something new that was outside of your comfort zone, it means you pushed yourself and found your limit with something, failure means that you were brave. We often have a negative perception of failure in our culture and I would encourage us to reconsider this, especially as parents!  Failure is not the worst thing by any means, it is a step on your path and a learning opportunity. (Check out my longer blog post on this very topic here).
 
3.  Let your kids make decisions and deal with the outcomes
Let’s say that your child is debating about what sport they want to play or what class they want to take in school. You know that the one they are choosing may not be entirely the best fit for them but they really want to try it. I would recommend you let them make the decision and then deal with how it turns out. Maybe they love it – great, they now made a decision that worked out for them and that’s a great learning experience!  Maybe they hate it – great, now they have made a decision that they can learn so much from. The best part of them hating it is that you can then work with them on how they deal with a difficult class, teacher, sport, etc. for the duration of the semester, season, etc. 
 
Another example would be for a younger child when they choose ice cream at the ice cream shop you are pretty sure they will hate. Let them choose and then don’t rescue them from the outcome. Everything in life is there to teach us something so help them find the lesson there!  
 
4.  Don’t rescue too much or too quickly
When your child is struggling with something, try not to just jump in and either do it for them, fix the problem, or correct their mistake. Try to figure out exactly where their skill level is for dealing with that situation and then support them through scaffolding, expecting them to push themselves a little bit beyond their existing skill level to deal with it. For example, when your child is completing a puzzle and feels that it is too hard, push them to work for a few more minutes before you come to help. When you come over to help, don’t just do it for them or point out where the pieces go, talk them through their process of decision making and give little suggestions that will help them figure it out on their own. 
 
The most important thing is that if you as a parent view challenges as opportunities to learn, your child will too! 
 
5.  Teach your kids to persist through challenges 
So when a challenging situation comes up, model for them how to deal with it in a healthy, persistent way. It helps if you have a positive attitude about life’s challenges also!
 
Our language around challenges really matters in these situations – here are some examples of ways to talk positively about challenges: 

• “Oh this is tough, what a great way to learn!”
• “I love a challenge”
• “Mistakes and challenges help our brain grow”
• “Let’s try to look at this another way”
• “It’s important that we keep trying rather than giving up”
• “I think we can figure this out together” 
• “I know it’s tough but we can do hard things” 

 
6.  Be comfortable with your own struggle and failures 
If you can feel comfortable with the fact that things will not always go our way in life, you will inevitably pass that message on to your child. If you expect perfection or things to go smoothly, you will pass that on to your child too. So, I think it is important that you think about your relationship with adversity while you think about how to help your child through it. If you notice that you struggle with your own failures or with being resilient or having grit, perhaps it would be a good time to work on that in yourself while you work on it with your child!  
 
Some great resources for developing more grit and resilience for yourself as an adult: 

• Brene Brown’s work – All of her books are amazing but Rising Strong speaks to this the most 
• Angela Duckworth – Her Ted Talk or book, Grit would be a great place to start!
• Researching information on Growth Mindset – there are a ton of resources online!
• Pema Chodron’s work and books 
• ​Sheryl Sandberg's book Option B has a great discussion on building resilience 
  

 
I hope that this list can be a jumping off point for you in learning how to help your child overcome adversity to develop more grit and resilience! If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 

Most people think of depression as an adult mental health issue, but children and teens can develop depression too.  Sometimes adults assume that children or teens can’t be depressed because they have nothing to worry about, but even those who live in a stress-free and loving environment can develop depression. 

Many children and teens with depression are often left untreated because adults don’t recognize their symptoms. It can be difficult to tell whether a child or teen is going through a temporary “phase” or is actually suffering from depression. While most adults with depression look sad, children and teens may look more irritable or angry. Children and teens who cause trouble at school or at home could be suffering from depression.

The following are common signs of childhood depression:

• Changes in behavior (ourbursts, irritability, anger, defiance, academic issues)
• Physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches)
• Decreased interest in activities (no longer enjoys previously enjoyable activities)
• Low energy, increased boredom
• Isolation from peers and difficulty with relationships
• Poor concentration
• A major change in eating or sleeping
• Significant weight gain or weight loss
• Frequent talk or thoughts about death, dying, or suicide (in younger children, these themes may present themselves through play)
• Hopelessness 
• Crying more often or more easily
• Harming self (cutting, scratching, hitting)

It’s important to note that not all children or teens will have these symptoms. Some children and teens may continue to function well in their environment despite experiencing depression. 

What can parents or caregivers do?
The best thing parents or caregivers can do is to be proactive about your child’s mental health. Younger children often lack the language to tell their parents what they’re experiencing. Teens on the other hand may have a better understanding of depression but may feel embarrassed about coming forward. Learn the warning signs of depression in children and teens and take note of how long the problem has been going on as well as how often they happen. Then, you’ll have a record of concerning changes you can address with a mental health professional. Depression is treatable so seek help as soon as possible! 

​If you are concerned about your child/teen and would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered at Thrive Therapy Studio and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

At Thrive Therapy Studio, we work with children and teens of all ages and often their parents are very concerned about one behavior in particular, lying. This is one topic that seems to come up over and over again regardless of the reason why we are seeing a child/teen in therapy. Parents ask all kinds of questions… Why does my child lie?  How can I make them stop lying and tell the truth? I’m so frustrated, what do I do? What’s wrong with them?  Are they a pathological liar?
 
Interestingly, lying in small doses is actually not a behavior that concerns me as a therapist. It shows a child or teen’s resourcefulness as well as their growing autonomy from their parents, which are all developmentally normal and generally considered good things. When we see a lot of lying, however, it is concerning to us as well as parents.
 
When parents talk to us about lying, it is often a conversation about what is wrong with their child or teen… Not so much about what they could be doing differently. Interestingly though, I am often going to focus more on the parent's behavior than the child or teen initially. First, I want to explore with the parent how their behavior may contribute to their child/teen’s lying behavior. Often, children and teens talk to me about being afraid to tell their parents the truth about things, even small mistakes that they make, because they have learned that their parents get really angry, yell, punish them, and generally “can’t handle the truth.”
 
Unfortunately, while understandable, these parent responses make children and teens feel unsafe around their parents and make them feel that they can’t really tell them things, particularly not hard things or mistakes they have made. For children sensitive to failure and who already struggle to admit their mistakes, this compounds the challenge of truth telling exponentially.
 
This brings me to the main way parents can prevent and reduce lying. Parents can prevent and reduce lying by responding to their child calmly and with an interest in finding solutions, rather than immediately jumping to blame, shame, and consequences for the child. For example, if you find out that your child did not do well on a math test, you felt they were well prepared for, rather than being angry and asking them “what they did wrong or how could this happen,” you can say something like, “I am so sorry to hear that test did not go the way you were hoping. It must have been hard to talk to me about it but I am so glad you did. What do you think might be helpful in the future or do you think there is anything you can do to improve this grade now?”  If you respond in this way, your child is much less likely to hide grades in the future and to talk to you about how things are going academically.
 
This does not mean that consequences should not be given. At times, consequences are perfectly appropriate, they just should not be given in a hasty way out of anger or shame, but perhaps in a conversation with your child or teen. You can even ask them what they think would be appropriate as a consequence for the mistake or situation that came up. For example, if your child accidentally broke something in your home, the conversation might go something like this… “Thank you so much for telling me what happened, I can tell that was difficult. I’m disappointed that the window is broken but I do know that mistakes happen to all of us. What do you think you could do to prevent accidents like this in the future?  What do you think would be a fair consequence?” Hopefully your child/teen would come up with something along the lines of being more careful to prevent this accident from happening again and then you could arrange for a way for them to help pay for the broken window. This makes the most sense as it is a natural consequence that results from cause and effect, something is broken and we pay to fix it.
 
Here are the basic steps for responding to difficult moments with your child or teen using the above example:

1. Connect and respond with empathy – Thank you so much for telling me what happened, I can tell that was difficult for you
2. Express some degree of your feelings calmly  
3. Validate that mistakes happen and are not the end of the world – #2 and #3 are combined in this example - "I’m disappointed that the window is broken but I do know that mistakes happen to all of us."
4. Come up with ways to work on this in the future - What do you think you could do to prevent accidents like this in the future?
5. Discuss consequences if calm and if appropriate for situation - What do you think would be a fair consequence?

 
Through these steps and a lot of patience, you can definitely help your child or teen respond to you in a different way and create a culture of honesty in your family! 

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child therapy or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapy Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. 

I was recently asked to contribute to a discussion on how spoiling may impact kids later in life and I enjoyed this topic so much, I decided to expand on it in a blog of my own. If you would like to see the article I contributed to, please check it out here.
 
As a child and teen psychologist as well as parenting consultant, I believe that spoiling your children has a huge affect on them in so many ways both later in life and while they are children. I am referencing “spoiling” in terms of not setting limits with your child. While this often goes hand in hand with “helicopter parenting,” for the purposes of this blog, I am only discussing spoiling. If you’d like to read more on helicopter parenting, check out my blog on it here!
 
Parents often inadvertently spoil their children because they are struggling to set limits for a myriad of reasons… it could be that they are unsure of how to set limits appropriately as it was not modeled for them by their parents. It could also be that they do not want their child to be upset, frustrated, sad, or angry with them. For some parents, their child responds in such a difficult way when they set limits, they simply don’t have the energy to keep setting them. In general, a lack of limits comes from a place of kindness and for many overwhelmed parents, fatigue. While this is perfectly understandable (especially coming from a very tired new mom over here!), unfortunately, there are some lasting effects for kids that do not understand or respect boundaries.
 
The following are just some of the consequences that can occur for kids that have not had boundaries enforced:

1. Low frustration tolerance and difficulties managing strong emotions
2. Poor understanding of cause and effect and how their behavior may effect others
3. Little drive and ambition, coupled with a general lack of success in one’s career or job
4. Lack of accountability

 
As you can see, these are crucial skills and qualities of being a successful and resilient adult!  
 
Consider the following example: A child I once knew had left their bicycle in the driveway where a car could hit it. I asked them, “what would happen if your parents hit your bicycle because you didn’t put it away?” The child’s response was as follows, “they’ll just buy me a new one.” I was so shocked, appalled, and most of all concerned. This young child had no real understanding of money, the inconsiderate nature of this choice, accountability, or responsibility. And honestly, why would he if his parents would just go ahead and get him a new bicycle?
 
Setting firm but loving limits for your children gives them an amazing opportunity to develop the skills to deal with frustration, understand cause and effect, learn accountability, and work towards goals which helps in understanding cause and effect. To help a child learn to treat his belongings with more care, parents could respond in the following way.
 
Letting the child know that you saw that their bike was left out in a place it could be hit. Explaining gently that while it can be annoying or difficult to remember to take the time to take care of our things, that is how we can show we appreciate those things and to ensure we have them for a long time. If the child continues to leave the bike out, I would recommend that you then have a conversation again about how having a bicycle is a responsibility that they might not be ready for and remove that privilege for a period of time (a couple of days). I would also explain that if something happens to the bicycle or a family vehicle because of the bicycle being left out, the child will be responsible for completing chores to pay for damages and earn back the privilege of having the bike.
 
An even more current example would be a cracked iPhone screen. So often, kids are coming in my office with cracked screens that seem to continually be replaced by parents, who often have insurance plans who pay for it. While I understand that financially this may make sense to parents, I do believe that there should be some natural consequence for a child who cracks their phone. Maybe they need to pay for half the fee or lose the ability to have it for a while. This is how they will learn both the value of money and the importance of treating belongings with respect!
 
A key element of these conversations around limit setting is compassion and kindness. It is okay to let your child know you are disappointed in their choice, but also let them know that everyone makes mistakes and that it is okay as long as we take steps to fix the harm we cause. This way, you are not being overly punitive but you are still setting and holding a limit with them. After all, the goal is to prepare our children for the world where there are rules, structure, limits, and at times serious consequences.
 
At Thrive, we are skilled at helping parents set limits effectively and with loving kindness – call us today for a consultation if you are struggling in this area!  We are happy to help and approach these sessions without any judgment. Parenting is hard enough, we just want to support you!

If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, teen or family psychotherapy services in San Diego CA, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 

So many things are nudging me towards contemplating gratitude right now that I just felt pulled to put some of my thoughts together in a blog post. Hopefully it is interesting and helpful to some of you who read our blog!
 
Thanksgiving is a time that I usually try to focus on gratitude in general. This year, the timing is interesting for me as I have a 3 month old at home and just returned to work two weeks ago… But I’ll talk more about that later!
 
Thinking back on my year, I remember finding out I was pregnant a few weeks after Thanksgiving last year when I had already set in motion so many big, exciting, and pretty scary things professionally. A new office… Not just new, but also bigger! Expanding to a corporation and hiring more team members!  Eek!  I remember the overwhelm of just considering what this next year would be like balancing pregnancy, motherhood, and these new obligations. So much to adjust to and so much to feel overwhelmed by. In January, I always take time to consider a word to focus my energy towards in the coming year. It is a guidepost of sorts, something to try to create more of usually. I remember sorting through thoughts about the year and coming up with words like, overwhelm, stress, chaos, too much and intentionally choosing to focus on the abundance side of my feelings of overwhelm. So I found my word to be gratitude this year.
 
As I have mentioned in previous blogs, this has been a tough word for me. Often I have found myself swept up in the to do lists and feelings of stress and exhaustion and needed to remind myself to focus on the gratitude I feel for so many wonderful things happening in my life.
 
Currently, people have asked how I am adjusting to motherhood and even more, working motherhood. And I answer honestly with, “I’m just running. All the time. Everywhere. There’s never enough time or enough of me to go around!” Or some variation of sleep deprived sentences that are communicating that (maybe, hopefully in some way that makes sense!).  Today, as I work from home during naps and savor one of my last weekdays home with my little man… I have chosen to put the “running” feeling aside and just lean into my gratitude and savor, really just enjoy, the moments of snuggles, kisses, giggles, and of course cries, whines, and tears that are inevitable at 12 weeks apparently. The thought that keeps coming back to me is that everything is temporary. The lack of sleep – yup, it’s temporary. Hopefully some of the crying is temporary too. But the snuggles, baby smell, little hands and feet, and oh the sweet smiles and newness of it all. That’s temporary too… so through my sleep deprived and overwhelmed days… I am going to choose to enjoy this time and be grateful for all the things I am blessed to have.
 
Interestingly, this experience of gratitude applies not just to my family but also to having a whole different side of me that is fulfilled through my work and the fact that people come and share their deepest moments, feelings, fears, and pain with me. Because the truth is, I love what I do and I missed it. The baby snuggles have been amazing but I have acknowledged and accepted that I need both. Both the mother part of me that is still developing and the therapist part of me that I have nurtured for years. I need both and because of that, I most likely will never stop running. But at least for now, I am running gratefully. Most of the time ;)
 
So, as the holidays approach, I urge all of you to consider how can you focus on abundance and gratitude rather than the hustle and bustle, which is really just a nice phrase for stress.
 
Here are some tips I came up with:

• Use phrases like, “I get to” or “I chose to”, rather than “I have to” when describing events coming up.
• Take 15 minutes each day to reflect on the things that are going on that are enjoyable and choose to reflect on that rather than the difficult or stressful things.
• Remember that all things in life are temporary.
• Make a list of three things you are grateful for each day.

 
I hope this helps some of you enjoy the season a bit more!  Please let me know any thoughts you may want to share or things you may be grateful for in the comments. We would love to hear from you.
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about parent counseling or therapy for yourself, your child, or teen, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. 

 Oh, helicopter parenting. What a divisive and polarizing term!  Some parents are proud to call themselves helicopter parents, well, many say that they are “involved” or “not lazy parents,” while others are adamant that they are not helicopter parents. What does this term even mean?  And is it really as much of a problem as some people think?
 
Rather than try to exactly define the idea of “helicopter” parenting, I’d rather give an example (completely fictional of course). Anna is the parent of two amazing kids who are in elementary school. Her belief as a parent is that it is her job to protect her kids from any kind of problem, harm, or damage that could come their way. Towards this goal, she spends a lot of her time fixing their problems. Here are a few examples of what that might look like:

• If they forget their homework, lunch, permission slip – she will rush to the school to bring it to them
• If they are in a fight with a friend, she always talks to the friends’ parent to help mediate the situation
• Rather than let them turn in homework that might not be their best work, she will at times help them to the point that she is doing the homework for them

 
Hopefully you get the idea! A big reason that I am writing about this today is that I find parents are often confused about how much to help their kids and how much to let them figure things out on their own. A lot of this debate comes down to how we perceive our roles as parents as well as how much of our child’s discomfort we are willing to tolerate as parents.
 
I believe that our job as parents is to prepare our children to be as resilient, resourceful, and capable as possible before they enter the world as adults. I have pretty much no doubt that most parents want this outcome for their children. However, I notice that parents also tell me that they just want their child to be “happy.” Interestingly, as a child and teen psychologist, your child’s happiness is not my first priority. This is partially because I don’t think happiness is in itself a goal, it is the byproduct of achieving other goals, plus I am more concerned about how your child handles failure, disappointment, and difficult feelings. How your child copes with adversity is far more telling with regards to how they are doing emotionally rather than their happiness at any given time. The other part of this for me is that I believe all emotions are necessary and important and that it is entirely unrealistic to focus so much on happiness.​ (If you want to read my previous blog about the happiness obsession, feel free to check it out here!).
 
In order to help our children be resilient, resourceful, and capable, we as parents have to give them opportunities to fall down, struggle, and completely screw something up so that they can learn that they can figure things out and get through tough times. Unfortunately, helicopter parenting does not allow our children these opportunities because parents so often swoop in and save their children from their consequences or from even making mistakes in the first place. The hard truth is that rather than preventing adversity, we need to let them cope with adversity so that they know they can and will have the confidence to face the world!  Plus, as an added bonus, if you do this earlier in their lives (in age appropriate ways of course), they are more likely to be successful when they do venture out into the world for college or a job as an adult. 
 
So, let’s say that I have talked you into reducing your helicopter ways. How do you do that? It can be really difficult to know how and when to pull back supports, especially if you have set up a pattern of ongoing, constant support. Here are some questions to help guide you in making decisions about pulling back supports:

• Is your child/teen capable of figuring this out on their own?  * If your first instinct is to say absolutely not, remember to consider if this is your fear talking or coming from your own need to be needed. As a result of fear and our own needs, parents often underestimate their child or teen’s ability to handle problems.

• What would they do if you were not available?
• If you let them live with their mistake rather than fix it for them, will they learn a valuable life lesson?
• Can you work with them on finding a solution and then both work together to solve the problem, rather than you just taking care of it entirely?

 
I hope these questions help guide some of you in pulling back your support. Just keep in mind, I am not advocating for you to be cold, distant, or unloving in any way. Love your kid fiercely and tell them you are here for them but that you believe they can figure out a way to solve the problem. Just like if you were their math tutor and would hopefully not just give them difficult answers, but have them try to figure it out and then give suggestions as needed.
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy or parenting sessions with one of us, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.