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One of the most interesting observations that I have about our current generation of teens, is that they seem to be easily frustrated and upset when things do not go the way they would like. While some of this is definitely a part of being a teen, it definitely seems to also be a challenge rooted in growing up in our current culture. While it is ultimately up to the teen to learn how to cope with disappointment more effectively, it is helpful to look at some of the broader reasons why they may experience the world in this way.
One big factor I see impacting frustration tolerance development in our teens is that there are less opportunities for developing those skills in our “instant gratification” and overly tech focused world. When this topic comes up with parents of the teens that I work with, I often talk with parents about all the opportunities that they had to develop their emotional regulation skills to help them cope with disappointment and frustration. Remember when we didn’t have instant access to shows, movies, music, friends, etc. by using smart phones? While technology is definitely helping our world in many ways, a big impact of having so many things easily accessible at our fingertips as children whose brains are still developing, is that we have less opportunity for natural ways to develop frustration tolerance. Imagine this scenario – your toddler is crying because they want to watch something (Daniel Tiger anyone?). In the dark ages when I was a kid, we had to wait until that show came on, time watching TV at the time of the show, sit through commercials, and tolerate the frustration of not having the ability to have what we want right when we want it. Now, it is so easy to just play the show for them and it feels uncomfortable as a parent to choose not to give your child something without a reason. Additionally, there are usually minimal interruptions, commercials, and even waiting time for your child to get what they are asking for. And as the parent of a toddler myself, it is so tempting to just give them the things they want to avoid a horrible meltdown! While this is just one example, I think it is an important one because it is so common for all of us to use quick fixes to solve our kids’ problems. Consider the following:
It is just SO easy to access so much at our fingertips now. And as a parent it is easy to look at these examples as small examples but they all add up. Every quick fix for a kids’ upset feelings, disappointment, forgetfulness, adds up to a kid who is going to struggle more with managing those feelings and tasks in the future. As a parent, it is important to look at every mistake, challenge, emotion as an opportunity for our kid/teen to learn a valuable life lesson. Since problems are generally easier to solve in our world, we have to most likely create situations where we may even choose NOT to solve a problem, just so that our child can learn to tolerate the frustration of not getting something instantly. Another element to consider in this discussion is that parents are very focused on their children. While this is a great thing in terms of parent-child relationships and development, it can at times lead parents to “over solve” problems rather than to scaffold their child’s ability to solve the problem themselves. Scaffolding is a crucial part of teaching that applies to parenting and just means that when our child is not able to do something yet, we don’t dive in and just take over the task, we let them struggle with it first and then intervene just enough so that they can figure it out on their own. Pretty much, you want to help the least amount possible, rather than take over and accidentally do it for them. This allows children to understand the feeling of productive struggle that leads to solutions and progress. If we as parents are uncomfortable with struggle, we are likely to dive in too early and rescue them which avoids a child’s distress but also their learning about how to manage distress, frustration, and how to persevere when challenged. If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! We love talking about how to support teens and families develop more frustration tolerance and grit!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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Happy Holidays from all of us at Thrive to all of our Thrive blog readers!At Thrive, we know that the holidays can be a very stressful or emotionally difficult time for families. If you or your loved ones would like support, please call or email us today! We still have therapists on our team who are working and happy to support you! We at Thrive have certainly noticed that the holidays bring a certain level of expectation, anxiety, and feelings of overwhelm and overcommitment for many of the families, kids included, that we work with. This year does not seem any different and perhaps is even more stressful and overwhelming due to the timing of the holidays. Many of the families we have been working with are particularly stressed and worried about how they will accomplish all the things they either want to, or feel that they are expected, to accomplish. I wanted to share some of our previous blogs on this topic as I felt that they are still helpful and a fun blast from the past! Here are some of my favorites!  Dr. Maria Fowlks – In this blog she writes about managing the overwhelm of the holiday season as a parent and understanding that your child might be overwhelmed too.  Dr. Erica Wollerman – This blog shares ways parents can manage expectations during the holidays  Dr. Erica Wollerman – This blog is all about coping with holiday anxiety I hope you enjoyed these blog posts and found them helpful in the hustle and bustle of the season! If there is anything we can do to support you and your loved ones now or in the New Year, please feel free to reach out via phone or email! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanI thought it might be nice to take a short break from our parenting teens and the challenges of being a teen blog series to focus a bit more on the holidays in our families. The holidays are always such a busy time for families as well as a difficult one for many reasons. Some families are grieving family members who have passed or changes in their family that have affected who is present for the holidays. Others are just so overscheduled and busy with travel, gifts, events, hosting family, and All. The. Things. we are supposed to do that it is not the most enjoyable of seasons. I wanted to post a bit about how to try and enjoy the holidays, particularly if you have a teen at home. Let’s start off with a general holiday survival tip - My biggest tip for enjoying the holidays that really can apply to any family is to work on reducing your obligations and replacing them with things you actually enjoy. Often, as parents, we feel responsible for cultivating the perfect holiday with perfect traditions. For many people, this is overwhelming and creates a sense of irritation when your efforts are not recognized or even appreciated by your family members. I encourage families to focus on the things and events about the holidays that they truly enjoy and cut everything else out. It’s okay not to do everything and it’s even better to do the things you love so that it truly can be a time of connection and enjoyment as a family! My two tips for enjoying holidays with a teen are: 1. Meet them where they are at This is huge. I’ve had years of conversations with parents who tell me all the things they hope and want to do with their teen during their break. Or, what they think their teen “should” be doing. I encourage parents all the time to really put themselves in their kids’ shoes. Teens are chronically tired, stressed, and overwhelmed these days. When you feel that way, would you really want your parents putting more demands on you? Probably not. Check in with them about what they are hoping for over break and make sure to set up clear expectations about things you really need them to participate in or take care of. The more this is a dialogue, rather than a top down exercise in telling them what to do, the better it will go! 2. Expect less In general, I would say that the above tip is going to require this tip. You will most likely be hoping for more than your teen can or is willing to give. If you go into the holidays expecting gratitude, lots of family time playing board games, and definitely not a lot of “screen time” or time with friends, you are ultimately setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt feelings. Every teen I work with looks at breaks from school as opportunities to sleep, rest, watch TV, and spend time with their friends. Even the ones who have great relationships with their parents. I repeat, even the ones who love spending time with their parents. As a parent, it is important not to interpret your teen’s disinterest in whatever it is you are suggesting as a reflection of how much they care about you or want to be with you. It is a reflection of their current place and stage in life. I hope this is helpful! I wish all of you a happy holiday season and remember, we are here to help at Thrive even during the holidays! Call or email us today if you would like more information about how we can help you and your family thrive! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanSince we work often with teens and their parents at Thrive, I wanted to spend some time sharing more about what I observe about how our current culture impacts teens (and their parents). Apparently, what I was hoping to share can’t be expressed in just one blog post so I am planning a series all about teens and parenting teens! This blog series was particularly inspired by some of my conversations recently with my teen clients about how challenging it feels to be a teen in our world. With the pressure of social media, super competitive college admissions, the focus on happiness but also achievement, and increased anxiety and fear – it is genuinely a tough time to be a teen. What I also know is that it is a tough time to be a parent of a teen. I would say that as relentless as the pressures are of adolescence, the pressure on parents is equally relentless! Unfortunately, this leads to patterns and cycles of stress just being transferred back and forth between teens and their parents. Before we talk more about the specific pressures on teens that I am noticing, I wanted to share my thoughts about what teens need most from their parents. It also might be helpful to check out my past posts about the pressures of parenting a teen and tips for parents of teens! 1. Love and Acceptance While many teens become awfully prickly and interactions with them can be challenging for parents, teens genuinely need love, acceptance, and a true sense of belonging from their parents. It’s important to remember that teens struggle with parental authority often because they are trying to figure out how to be their own person and grow away from their family to be on their own as adults. This is difficult and can be reminiscent of the toddler years. Mixed messages are common, as are outward rejections of parents while deep down wanting love, approval, kindness, and affection. It is so important that parents follow their teen’s lead but also provide them with a safe place for them to find genuine caring connections. Even if it gets you an eye roll or irritated glare, show them love and truly try to accept them for who they are becoming. Talk to them about common interests and just ask questions without lecturing or slipping into “parent mode.” Often the teens I work with just want an adult who cares and tries to see it from their side without immediately trying to fix it or tell them the “learning opportunity” in each situation. 2. Boundaries Teens will never, ever tell you but they definitely need boundaries. They need to be able to experiment with things in the world but to have parents who hold them accountable. While I am not a big fan of parents coming down too hard about grades (our academic system is stressful enough for most kids), I do think that most teens need some responsibilities at home. It’s important to learn to pitch in as a family and to learn how to manage personal and academic responsibilities. Make sure that the boundaries you set in place make sense and have some sort of natural consequences. For example, if a teen is struggling to make it home on time/before curfew, maybe they lose their driving privileges for a while. This helps them to learn that privileges involve responsibility which will help them know their limits as well as understand cause and effect in our world. Adults who did not have boundaries during childhood tend to not be the best employees or students later in life. 3. Empathy Do you remember just how difficult and confusing it can be to be a teenager? I certainly do and hold that experience in mind when I work with my teen clients and explore situations that are difficult for them as often what teens need from us is a little empathy. Even if our lives are more stressful or difficult as adults who have a zillion more responsibilities, remember that what they are experiencing is so important to them and genuinely difficult. Part of this is because they only have limited life experience and have difficulty comprehending that their life will not be this way forever. I’ll discuss the gift of perspective more in the next section. Future blogs in this series will also describe the challenges of being a teen currently that we might not always understand as adults who grew up in a very different environment. 4. Perspective I see one of the biggest challenges of being a teen currently is that they genuinely do not know that life is so much more than high school, or what college you go to, or if you have a “thing” with the cute person at school. Teens are amazing because they experience the world very intensely and passionately but this brings the challenge that since they have not had years to adjust to being a more adult like person, like we have all had, they do not realize that their current situation is not everything. I believe a gift we can give them is just a little perspective. And not in terms of telling them how hard adulthood can be, but in terms of helping them know that our lives are always changing and that most experiences are temporary in nature and will not last forever. This is a concept that is much more available to our adult brains than theirs. 5. Space Oh boy do teens need space. They need so many forms of space – space to be themselves and experiment with who they are and want to be; space to make mistakes and totally screw up without us preventing it; space to cope on their own and exist without parent involvement sometimes; space to make their own decisions; and space to change. The more we can let our teens guide things, within certain boundaries and limits of course, the better. They just need a lot of space as they walk their path into adulthood and the more we can give them now, the better they will do on their own later in life. Plus, the less we push our values, goals, judgments, etc. on them, the more likely it is that they will reach back out to us when they are ready. I hope you enjoyed the first blog in this series all about parenting teens and the challenges of teens! Please stay tuned for more blogs to come on this topic and reach out to us at Thrive if you would like support in parenting your teen! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  Some readers might be wondering what autism even is so I thought it might help to share a bit about it before continuing with the blog. In layperson’s terms, autism is term that describes a broad range of conditions that typically involve challenges in social relationships, verbal skills, nonverbal communication, general development, and can include repetitive behaviors or approaching the world in a more rigid, structured way. Because the term “autism” encompasses a wide spectrum of individuals who often experience the world in many different ways, it is difficult to generalize what an autism diagnosis will mean for your family or child. It is best to seek understanding for how your child may or may not experience the world, rather than to project ideas of what this might mean for them onto them. Also keep in mind that many common portrayals of individuals with autism in our media (example of Rain Man) are entirely inaccurate and do not describe everyone. By: Dr. Erica WollermanSince one of my specialties is working with parents of kids with autism and working with individuals on the autism spectrum in general, a question I get asked a lot is about what to do when your child is either screened as being at risk for having autism or newly diagnosed with autism. Particularly because young children are often getting screened for autism starting at their well child visits with their pediatricians around a year of age or younger, this has become much more common for parents to wonder about and experience. In my experience, this can be such an overwhelming process for parents and one that unfortunately, not every pediatrician is skilled at handling well with them. Often, parents are given a long list of resources without much direction as to what would be most helpful for their child or they are steered towards Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) immediately. While ABA can be helpful for some children, it is becoming much more commonly referenced as a therapy to treat almost any childhood challenge. I find this a bit alarming because ABA therapy is very behavioral in nature and at times can miss the more emotional component of what is going on for children. So, what do I recommend to parents with either a newly diagnosed child on the spectrum or a newly screened “at risk” toddler? Step One: Take a deep breath. This sounds silly but I find that parents in this situation are so overwhelmed and overcome with a feeling of urgency to get your child into the “right” treatment or intervention that is going to “fix” them. The thing is, it is okay and preferable to take some time with this experience. Your child is not different today than they were yesterday and while early intervention is very helpful, it is okay if you set it up next week or next month, rather than right this second. It is okay to make sure you are wrapping your head around what is happening first so that you can be a calm place to set up the services you feel comfortable with. In other words, take a deep breath and let yourself sit with this information before you do anything else. A calm, peaceful parent is going to be the most helpful as you go through the next parts of this process. I’d also like to note that there are a lot of myths out there about what it means to have autism and that the reality is not what you may see on TV, movies, or the internet. It is a BIG spectrum with a lot of variability so just because your child might fall somewhere on it, does not mean they will be a certain way or not be a certain way. For example, parents tend to worry that their child will not show them affection if they have autism and this is just not the case for all kids. Some kids are affectionate, some are not and this applies similarly to people on the spectrum too. While having a child with autism can be challenging at times, it is also pretty amazing at times – just like parenting any child. I am of the belief that we all have our struggles, and our children will too, and it is all about figuring out what our children need to thrive. Some of my favorite clients and people have autism and I truly love being able to know them and the way they experience the world. I could go on and on but my point here is simply, try not to panic or overreact to this news. Step Two: Do a little research. By this, I mean that it would be helpful to consider what your child is experiencing and if you fully agree with their diagnosis or at risk status. Have you been having concerns yourself perhaps that their development is not where you think it should be or matching other kids you know or see? When you read more about children with autism, does it match your experience? Do you feel you might want a second opinion? Maybe read a few books or blogs from other parents or experts in the field to help you gage what you are seeing and feeling. Keep in mind that some children are going to get a positive screen and then not end up meeting the criteria for being on the spectrum when they are older. I always say that this is why I am so conservative in diagnosing children and teens because sometimes their symptoms are more developmental than pathological, though they may at times be problematic. Step Three: Seek Consultation I would also encourage you to seek consultation with a therapist or psychologist who specializes in working with children on the spectrum or even to seek out a more formal full developmental assessment. Ideally, this person can help you chart a course of treatment individualized to your family and child’s situation. Often, parents are given so many ideas of what to do (Speech, OT, ABA, individual therapy, group therapy, etc.) that it can be overwhelming. Ideally, you can find someone who can help you determine what your child would benefit most from and start with that method of therapy. Therapists, psychologists, speech, and OT providers can be helpful to consult with to help you determine the best path forward. If you feel your child’s diagnosis is accurate, this is where you want to start collecting treatment options to see what would be a good fit for your family. It might help to join some Facebook groups with other parents in the same situation so that you can check in with what other parents are doing and what their experiences have been with different therapies and providers. I have found that treatment options really vary depending on your child’s presentation and needs so remember that none of this is one size fits all! A great resource in San Diego can be San Diego Regional Center also so this might be a good time to reach out to them. I hope these ideas are helpful to you! If you have questions or are a parent of a newly diagnosed child with autism or even an “at risk” child, feel free to reach out to us to see if we can support you at our office. We love working with parents in parent consultation sessions or even individual therapy to help support you throughout this process. Raising a child who is developing differently can be very challenging at times and we are happy to help however we can! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanWe all know that work can be a very enjoyable, but unfortunately also very stressful part of our lives. Even for those of us who love our jobs (like me!), the pressure and stress that can be unique to the workplace can get to you. Here are some suggestions about how to cope with it more effectively! Consider why you are stressed at work The first step in figuring out how to manage your work stress differently is really thinking about why you are stressed. Some work related stress is in the nature of the job while other stress is more related to the interpersonal environment or demands placed on you by your direct manager or higher ups. If you are stressed due to the nature of the job itself, it’s helpful to consider if a career change would help or if you need to relate to the job differently in some way. In this case, therapy is often helpful! If you are stressed due to the environment, it can be helpful to consider if feedback would be useful and well received. If so, definitely talk to your managers/higher ups. If not, perhaps consider if there is another job or position that would be a better fit. Again, therapy could be helpful in working through these questions and solutions! If you have decided to stay at your company or position, consider the following as ways to make the best of a difficult situation. 1. Boundaries For some, a big challenge is regarding boundaries and not setting them effectively. For you, setting boundaries might be more with yourself and in how much time you take to work on work activities outside of work hours (late night emails anyone?). For others, setting boundaries might be with your company and in letting them know what you need. You may need to consider asking for a reduced schedule, reduced demands on your time, a change in structure or responsibility, or more support. 2. Increase self-care I know that self-care is a big buzz word these days, but that is for a good reason, which is that taking care of yourself needs to always be a priority! I have noticed that particularly when clients are struggling with work stress, their self-care tends to reduce right away. Taking even 15 minutes a day to add in something that is an enjoyable and fueling activity for you (walking, running, art activities, playing with your children or pets, cooking, reading, meditation) can be extremely helpful in managing stress at work and making sure that it does not leak into your non-work hours with your family. 3. Take brief breaks Most of us tend to work even more when work stress is really high. It makes sense that we would want to reduce stress by just plowing through as much as possible. Unfortunately, sometimes our brains need more of a break in order to work effectively on our tasks. Taking periodic breaks of even just 1-5 minutes to walk, stretch your legs, close your eyes and take deep breaths, or to do a quick mindfulness meditation will help you focus more for the rest of the work day! 4. Meaning making Sometimes work stress is related to feeling that your job does not have meaning or value in the world. I am of the belief that making some meaning out of your job, even if it is just that you are providing monetary support for yourself and your family, will help you feel better about spending your time there. Consider your values and how your job helps you serve them in your life and try to focus on that on the tough days. 5. Find support Seeking out support from friends, family, a trusted colleague, or therapist can be so helpful when you are struggling with work stress. While it can help to “leave work at work,” it can also leave you feeling isolated with your struggles. Seeking a careful balance between talking about the struggles you are having and not ruminating or obsessing about them outside of work can be helpful. I have also found that most people experience stress in their jobs in one form or another in their lives so this is also a topic many people can relate to and understand. 6. Affirmations As many of my clients know, I am a big believer in affirmations and intentionally choosing certain coping thoughts to help you get through a difficult time, and work stress is not different. Affirmations, or intentionally chosen thoughts and phrases, can really help you cope. For example, remembering “I am a valuable addition to our team” can help when you are feeling a lot of self-doubt. Or, thinking “this is just one part of my life and career” might help if you are feeling a lack of success or appreciation in the workplace. I hope these ideas are helpful for you! If you find yourself experiencing a lot of work stress, or other kinds of stress of course, please reach out to us today! We at Thrive love working with adults who are balancing many areas of their lives and work with people from a collaborative approach to make changes. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanAs a working mom and entrepreneur, I’ve learned that work/life balance is not so much a check on my list of things to do but more of a journey. It is honestly rare that I feel that things are all in balance and that I am doing a great job at work and a great job at home. This summer, my family bought a home, which was so exciting and overwhelming but of course also really threw my entire precarious balance off that I had felt I achieved some days since having my son and expanding my business 2 years ago. In trying to balance all the things, I have learned a few things that I thought might also be helpful for our blog readers! 1. Balance is going to come and go, learning to roll with it is definitely helpful. Just like how emotions are going to come and go and there are going to be great times in your life and not so great times, balance will be the same. Some days will feel like you are checking all the boxes of your needs and others the scales will tip a little in one direction or another. That’s okay and just information as to what you need to do next. 2. Pay attention to what your needs are. Since self care has become such a buzz word in our culture, I think it is easy to fall into thinking that balance or self care only means going to yoga or brunch. I’ve learned that it is important to really get tclear with yourself on what tyou are missing when you are feeling overwhelmed or out of sync with yourself. Is it time alone or with your significant other, or quality time with your whole family? Is it unscheduled time you are missing where you can be a bitt more free to do the things you want? Is it rest or checking things off your to do list? Is it having enjoyable plans so that you know there is something to look forward to? I could go on but the essence is to pay attention to what it is you need and what it is you are missing in your life and then problem solving ways to get it. 3. Start small. I can’t emphasize this one enough. I feel that often finding “balance” or working on “self-care” feels like just another thing on the usually giant list of things to do. As someone who religiously works walks into my days, it is definitely another thing to do. However, what I’ve learned is that having a few small things, like a daily walk, helps ground me so that I am much more efficient and effective in my days. For you though, it might be a daily meditation practice, working in a garden, playing with a pet, putting your phone away during dinner, reading a book, playing a sport, etc. If you are in a place of wanting to work on balance, find one thing that feels really important in your life and start adding it in little by little. 5 minutes here and there even makes a difference! This dialogue and process of figuring out how to manage feelings of burnout, stress, and overwhelm are so common in our therapeutic work with teens and adults at Thrive. Many of our clients come in feeling so overwhelmed and drained so a big part of our job is to help them figure out what is causing that and how to adjust their life to be more enjoyable! It really is one of my favorite things when my clients share with me the positive changes they have started making, partly from our work and discussions together! If this blog resonates with you and feels helpful in your life, we would love to hear from you! Either as a potential new client or as a reader! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanWe get a lot of calls from people who share their current challenges and concerns and jump pretty quickly to what they want and believe they need. Tools. Coping Skills. Strategies. I find this interesting as a therapist who generally engages in very deep, complex work with my clients. Even with my clients who initially thought that they just wanted some “tools,” we also do some pretty deep work in understanding how their challenges came to be before we move on to tools. I believe in doing therapy in a way that you will hopefully get some tools and strategies to manage your life or symptoms more effectively, but also gain a deeper understanding of yourself, relationships with others, and higher levels of self-compassion. Some may wonder why this is a goal… I am of the belief that most of the things in our lives that we want “tools” to fix, are not as simple as they seem. For example, someone may want help making changes in the way that they use alcohol. Simple, right? Just stop drinking so much? Actually, this “simple” challenge is so complex once you get into exploring it. You need to consider why you drink, what alcohol symbolically represents in your life or self, what it does in your relationships to yourself and others, what habits you have around drinking, why you continue drinking, how successful you think you will be in stopping, and what feelings you might be using alcohol to either mask or cope with. There is so much to explore, understand, and process as people. Unfortunately, our quick fix culture has us reaching for quick fixes even in therapy. We want quick tools or strategies to manage our problems or challenges, rather than going inward to consider what is really going on in our lives. This is true for children too. Parents want their children to cope with stress better, especially in the teen years. And boy, do we have some really stressed out teens in our culture! It breaks my heart but that’s a different topic. So, we get calls from parents who want their teen to learn tools to manage stress. First, we need to understand the stress and explore it. Often, I find the stressed out teens I work with have completely unrealistic expectations of themselves to be perfect, or always on top of things, or to get into impossible schools. So, we need to explore those expectations, how they develop, what might be more realistic for them, or how to think about their goals in a more effective way. This is SO much more than tools. This is self-understanding and growth that will go a long way when that teen or child has challenges later in their life. My belief is that just stopping at providing tools or strategies for my clients is a short-term fix. It will probably work for a while and then some of the same things will come back up either in the same way, or different ways. I believe this is because often our symptoms or bad habits are products of a deeper challenge in meeting our emotional needs. In that deep, complex understanding of ourselves, we can truly figure out what is going on and how to take steps towards living a different life. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanAs a therapist who specializes in working with kids, teens, parents, and families, I have noticed a growing and very concerning trend in my work. So many of the kids, teens, and even young adults that I work with are struggling with anxiety, crippling perfectionism, and so much self doubt that they struggle to do things they desperately want to be doing. At the root of so much of this are feelings of incompetence and a huge fear of failure. I have been contemplating this challenge and recent parenting trends and have noticed that this happens more in the families I work with where parents seem to be struggling to let their kids deal with things on their own. Unfortunately, these parents get kind of a bad rap as “helicopter” parents when in fact, they are parents who are simply struggling to know when it is appropriate to let their kid/teen/young adult fail or struggle through something. And the root of this struggle is usually so much love for their little one (who may not be so little anymore) as well as overwhelming fear about what might happen for their kid/teen/young adult if they do not participate so heavily in their lives. This fear is one most parents know well. What if they don’t get into a good college? What if they make choices that screw up their whole life? What if they do something I can’t help them undo? What if they can’t get a good job? And the list just goes on and on. As a result (I believe), we are overdoing it in the parenting department. We are rescuing our kids way too much and then we come to find that our kids seem to need to be rescued. Weird huh. When you look at what happens and what a person will think if they are being rescued from situations, it starts to make sense. When we rescue a person from a situation that they are either capable of handling on their own or almost capable of handling on their own, the message we are giving them is not one of their own ability but one of their need for us to handle things for them. We teach them that they need us and that they can’t do these things on their own. We teach them to ask for help before they need it, before problem solving on their own, and to at all costs avoid struggling with something. Instead, we need to give our kids the following kinds of messages by verbalizing them as well as by our actions in letting them handle most problems on their own:
I could go on and on but I won’t. The point is that we definitely need to help when it is needed. But we are so often confused about when it is needed that we are rescuing way too often, which is not helping our kids/teens/young adults develop into the independent and capable people that we know they are meant to be. I encourage you to trust yourself as a parent and trust your “little one,” however old they may be, that they can figure things out and will benefit from a little struggle and failure along the way. Just like most of us did on our way to becoming independent adults. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.  By: Lauren Spinelli, LCSWIt’s important to remember that every day can be meaningful. It’s truly a new chance to reflect, grow, and make small changes as we navigate through life. Over the years, I have jotted down little reminders, affirmations, quotes, and expressions that I've heard, read, or made up. They seem to really help me when I'm looking for more strength. I wanted to share them with you in the hopes that they will help you, too.
Lauren is welcoming new referrals and enjoys working with children, teens, and adults of all ages! For more information about her approach to therapy, check out her bio here! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. |
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Thrive Therapy Studio Therapists Offer Child, Teen, Adult, Marriage and Family Psychotherapy Counseling Services in San Diego, California.
