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 By: Dr. Erica WollermanWell, here we are facing yet another week of social distancing and living with the challenge of parenting during a pandemic! As many other writers have also commented on, this is a time where we are all likely to have a variety of reactions but most likely we are also feeling exhausted. Exhausted with the daily changes we ae having to make and the dramatic impact staying home, often with our entire family, is having on our emotional health. The reason for this is because we are all experiencing collective trauma and anxiety from the fears we have for our world, ourselves, our families, as well as grief related to what was and what we are unsure about for the future. Most of us have not experienced a struggle like this in our world, especially one without an end date. I have to say, this is hard. It’s hard for all of us and it seems to be impacting people in such a variety of ways that I thought it might be helpful to share a bit about what I feel might help our teens and the parents of teens get through this. As I have mentioned in past blogs about the Covid-19 pandemic, we need to come to a place where we can embrace this new reality so that we can learn to cope with it. Unfortunately, our teens may struggle with this even more than we do at times. I can tell you, a cooped up and isolated teen is not a fun person to spend time with. Here are some ideas specifically to help parents with teens at home who are practicing social distancing.
I hope this is helpful for our readers right now! As always, my goal is to be a calming and helpful voice in the storm that can be parenting and my office is here to help for those who would like to talk more about parenting or who would like support for their teens. We are accepting new clients for video therapy sessions today! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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"I don’t know about you but this is my first f****** global pandemic". -Brené Brown I was looking for a podcast this morning and stumbled on Brené Brown’s new podcast, Unlocking Us. For those of you who don’t know, I am a bit of a fan or her work. Okay, I’m totally obsessed with it! Her above statement perfectly captures what we are all dealing with and the inherent complexities of living through this time. I wrote the below blog post all about the grief process as it relates to the coronavirus pandemic. I hope you all enjoy it as it is a bit more open and vulnerable than my usual (which is great that I found a perfect Brené Brown quote to go with it considering she is my go to champion of vulnerability even when you don't want to. As I have been working with my clients, consulting with my family, friends, and colleagues, and checking in with my own emotions, I have recognized that the process of adjusting to our new normal as we try to #flattenthecurve and engage in social distancing reminds me so much of a grief process. As a therapist, I am familiar with grief and how it pops up in our lives during times that do not necessarily include death. Grief is involved in any sort of ending, new beginning, phase of life, and even happy days. For example, when you become a parent you are overjoyed at the gift of the precious baby you now have but you might also feel overwhelmed with grief for the life you used to know. As I have sat with my own emotions and explored those of others during this unprecedented time in our world, there has definitely been a process of grief and loss. I remember just a week or two ago, which feels like MONTHS ago, feeling like everything was happening so quickly and everyone seemed so anxious and I felt like it was not even happening. I now recognize my feeling that this might be an overreaction both as a product of my own misinformation and lack of understanding of the situation we were in but also as a process of denial. I honestly have been working so hard in my life on so many of my goals, that I didn’t want any of this to be real. Particularly as a business owner, this situation was enough to make anyone want to hide with a blanket over their heads. The next wave of emotions was definitely some level of resentment. I honestly resented the people around me, even my husband whose judgment I trust, for telling me life as we knew it was over and would be for a longer time than any of us are prepared to sit with. Taking my son out of daycare and moving my therapy practice online have been changes that it truly took a lot of time to process. I found that I personally needed to allow myself some space to just be sad and to grieve all of the things I feel like we are losing…. My son’s experience with his trusted and beloved daycare providers, our upcoming vacation, all of my client’s progress and consistency in sessions and in therapy, my own progress in building our business, and our freedom to do what we enjoy doing – which is generally not staying home. I also felt like I needed some time to readjust from “building and improving” my life and my business to “survival mode.” Simultaneously, I have recognized my privilege in this situation. I work in a business that can use video and telehealth for sessions and our business will continue. It will continue differently but we are able to cope with this. So many businesses and people are not and I feel that sense of injustice in our world keenly. I have also been so grateful for my family situation and feeling so well supported by my colleagues, family, and friends. Never have I cherished our new home and backyard more than I do these days with a toddler to entertain! Never have I been so grateful for all that I have in the world. I found that my path to acceptance of our situation came from allowing myself time to just feel all of these things. To feel overwhelmed, sad, and to truly grieve everything that is happening. The loss of life, people’s livelihoods, and our ability to move through our world freely. I needed to let myself just feel these things and my feelings about them. During this time, I tried not to think too rationally about how I do believe that we can figure these things out. I just let the feelings come and embraced them willingly. I let myself cry freely and think all of my biggest fears and just let my awareness sit on the fact that we don’t know how long this will last. I repeat, our futures are not known and we honestly can’t do much in terms of planning. While some may find this freeing, many of us are going to find this anxiety provoking. To go from working towards goals and planning events to just getting through the week is going to be a challenge and struggle for many. It certainly has been for me. While I truly believe in our ability to come back from this both as individuals and as a society, that is truly so scary to not know so many things about what that process might look or be like. I feel like many of us are even bargaining in this grief process. I’ve said it myself, and heard many others say things like, “I can do this for 2 weeks but no longer.” Guys, we need to sit with the truth in this situation to allow ourselves to come to a place of coping. The more we fight reality, the more we are also delaying our own acceptance and coping. The world as we knew it is changing and it is now up to us to accept this, figure out a new normal, and allow ourselves to recognize that we don’t know anything about what the future will hold. This is a wave that could crush us if we are not careful. We could get lost in the unknown and fear. I encourage you to know this and choose to dip your toes in the pool of your emotions but to then also let yourself allow some light in. Other than days when the grief wave just takes hold of me, I am going to be mindful of my thoughts and choose to believe that we will get through this and that our resilience as a people will be a powerful force in light of this pandemic. I truly believe that our struggles can bring about change and growth and am hopeful that this might not be different even now. If you or your loved ones are struggling to cope, our office is still offering telehealth (video) therapy sessions throughout California. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us if you feel we can be supportive during this time. Our therapists have availability and can offer flexible schedules even for those who are working from home while trying to learn how to homeschool your kids. From the bottom of my heart, I hope all of our readers are hanging in there and adjusting during this time. We will continue to post resources and tips for our readers to help us all cope with the days ahead! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica Wollerman Wow. Things have been moving at lightning speed for the past week! In light of the challenges families and parents are facing as many of them, especially in our community in San Diego, are being asked to work from home and care for kids who are now home for the next three weeks unexpectedly. I know I, as a business owner and mother myself, have been feeling the pressure and stress lately and thought it might be helpful to write a post about how parents can support their kids during this time. I felt this was important particularly because even young children will sense something is going on due to being able to feel the anxiety and stress their parents are feeling. In a time like this, where everything feels out of control, I think it is important to consider that what we can control is our reactions and mindset. I believe that this is going to be the most important way to support your child also. Here are some of my thoughts about how parents can set the tone for the coming weeks in their family: Try to stay calm I know, I know, this is like asking the impossible of people right now! I know parents are worried about their health, their kids, maybe even their aging family members as well as finances, how this is going to impact our world long-term, and just how they are going to survive the next few weeks or months. I know. I feel all of that stress and anxiety too, believe me! What I realize though is that the way we handle this situation is going to significantly impact how our kids manage it. If we are able to model healthy coping in an unmanageable situation, consider how much our kids will learn about coping from us! Plus, they might cope better even now - which is a win for all of us. I believe the first step is to recognize that none of us, I repeat, none of us can control this situation anymore. All we can do is try to manage our response and keep our cool to some extent around our kids. Of course you are worried and scared and it's great to acknowledge that and to even share it with them, but to also give your kids a message that we are in this together and you will still do everything you can for them. Consider the positives I know that this situation feels dire and is dire for so many people. I would NEVER EVER say that this is in any way desirable or a good situation for us as a country and in our world. However, I think that our mindset really impacts how we experience something so I would encourage you to find some positive in this. Maybe it is that you were hoping to work from home in your job and now you have the opportunity to show your boss you can do so. Maybe it is that you were feeling like you needed more time together as a family and less structured time with activities. Maybe it is that you needed time a home to accomplish some things (I might even potty train my toddler if we end up home for a long stretch!). Even when talking with your kids, help them notice the positives of communities coming together to help the least strong of us get through this. In every disaster and crisis, there are going to be heroes and it is up to us to point them out to our kids and to ourselves. Please don’t ignore the fact that this is all very scary and serious, but let’s not focus too much on that part as it will not help us through it. We need to bond together and get through this with the least panic and anxiety as we can. Set your expectations appropriately Please be mindful of what you are asking of your child. If you are expecting them to sit at home all day with you while you work, that might just be asking too much. If you are expecting to get as much done as you usually would with a younger child home now, you might be expecting too much of yourself. Be mindful that most of our frustrations come from unmet and unspoken expectations and we can avoid them by going into unknown territory like this situation by setting the bar low. Consider ways to bond and connect as a family If we are going to be home more, I think it is helpful to think of how to enjoy that time. I know at my house, we have been enjoying a less structured schedule this weekend and spending a lot of time letting our toddler guide play rather than squeezing in activities around errands. We have been spending time creating new games and exploring toys that we hadn’t played with in a while. Try to focus on enjoying this time we have together and find a way to be a team with your partner (if you have one), or with your kids. We are going to get through this together! Remember that your child is probably scared too. We need to be mindful of how much information we give them about what is happening and what we need to do to help buffer that information. We have had children at our office who are very worried and feel like they might die. Try to reassure your kids that we are doing everything we can to protect all of the members of our society and try not to focus on the fear too much. Also, remember that kids do not often say they are scared; they might act out, become distant, become overly controlling, or act in other ways that can be really frustrating for parents. I know this is hard and parents are already stressed but we need to have some grace. For ourselves and for our kids. Give everyone some grace We will get through this situation as best as we can but I am sure we will make mistakes along the way too. When parents are stressed, those mistakes are often in the way we respond to our kids when they are struggling. Making sure you repair things if you get overly upset with your child is more important than ever. It’s okay to let them know you are worried and possibly reacting in ways that are not helpful too. It’s okay to explain that you are worried because we have not experienced something like this before and the unknown is scary for most people. Normalize the fact that they are probably feeling the same way and connect with them through the shared experience. Let them know you will do everything you can to make sure your family is okay and that it is going to be okay because you will get through it together. This is a great time to let them know all feelings are okay and understandable. Of course they are frustrated and angry that they can’t play with their friends but they might also be happy that they have extra time to play at home. This is a great time to teach them to make the best of things and about how to interpret others’ actions with generosity. These are challenging times for our community. Let’s try to be mindful that everyone is struggling with fears and some may cope by well, buying all the toilet paper out there. Some other may cope by living their life as though nothing is going on because it is just so scary to consider our lives are changing as we know it. As parents, it is up to us to try to find the middle ground and acknowledge the fears and challenge we are facing but to communicate a message that we will rise above this and cope together. Yes, this is hard and yes, we do not know what exactly is going to happen, but we know we will figure it out together. That is the message we all need to hear right now, especially the littlest of us! At Thrive, we will continue to support our clients and any new clients during this time of crisis via telehealth (video sessions). Call us today if you would like to discuss this as an option! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanIn writing this blog series as well as in my daily work with parents, teens, and families in general, I reflect often on what is going on in our world that has led us to where we are. Stressed. Overwhelmed. Feeling not good enough. Worried about our futures. And I mean that parents and teens often feel all of those things pretty much daily. A common theme that I come up with in my reflections is that we have so much information. As a child of the 80’s, the level of information and resources that our children have access to on a daily basis just amazes me. I truly think it is a wonderful thing to have the internet and have such a breadth of information and ability to learn from others at our fingertips. While I might be a little nostalgic for those fond memories I have of looking through encyclopedias, I do recognize the improvement and progress in our world. Unfortunately, I also see that the development of technology is leaving all of us (not just teens) inundated with a constant stream of information. Instead of feeling comforted by the vast array of knowledge at our fingertips, it seems to only make us feel more anxious about our lives and futures as well as more aware of how we are not either living up to expectations or what others’ lives are like. We now have access to witness other people’s daily lives through YouTube, social media, reality TV, etc. We also have access to the immediate thoughts of almost anyone on the planet (hello Twitter and blogs and curated news feeds and advertisements on whatever social media platform we like). On a daily basis, there is not just a feeling of access to information, but information overload and overwhelm. I believe this leaves us feeling more stressed and uncertain in our own lives and choices. Consider what it is like to be a high school student who is feeling uncertain about their future and their college decision. Since so many of our choices are so well thought out and researched in our world, I think it makes choices where there is little certainty even more difficult. With the endless information, reviews, articles, opinions available to us, many of us do not take many chances in our decision making anymore. We research movies before taking the time to see them, we read reviews before we eat anything or go anywhere, and we definitely do research before purchasing something. While this is AMAZING and such a benefit, particularly for people with anxiety; it is dangerous to get so comfortable with relatively certain choices and less luck in our lives. I believe that there is so much in our lives that is actually up to chance and uncertain and that we can’t always control what happens. Making a decision about college is one of those things. While we can think we might know what we want (big or small school, city or more college centric area, east coast or west coast), we can’t possibly actually predict how we will experience any specific college. There are just too many elements to control – who your roommate is, what dorm you are in, how your first year professors are, if you even like your major, if you actually like the weather or area you anticipated liking when you spend 24-48 hours there one time. This choice is important and our teens feel it is the absolute most important decision they will make in their lives. It is also, not an outcome completely in our control. And if we don’t have experience making decisions and rolling with some level of uncertainty about how something will work out, it might be more difficult to cope and surrender if this important life decision feels not ideal once we get there. I think it is important for parents in our world to help model how to surrender to life’s chances and how to roll with unpleasant and unanticipated outcomes. Even just modeling for them that it is okay when everything does not go as planned (on a vacation, a day out, a class, a test, etc.) can help. If parents can model this and parent more form a place of grounded faith in their and their child’s ability to cope with whatever happens in this world, I believe it also helps them feel less uncertain and anxious about their own parenting choices and their child’s futures. The best part is that the more parents feel confident in their children, the more the kids feel confident too. And this actually helps them cope better when life does not go their way. This is definitely a win-win in my book! If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! We love talking about how to reduce feelings of fear and anxiety around parenting. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanWhile I am of the belief that there are more opportunities for all of us currently, particularly due to technology and our ever-changing world, I find that the families with whom I work do not often feel that there is an abundance of opportunity for their kids. It seems like currently there is much more of a feeling of scarcity rather than abundance when it comes to our children’s futures. This competitive attitude and feeling of “not enough” permeates our parenting climate these days, which also unfortunately filters down to our children to make them feel that if they are not “the best” or “perfect,” they’re not going to make it. This just leads to increased feelings of anxiety about the future. I am noticing that over time, more and more of the teens that I work with have fears about growing up and not being able to take care of themselves, despite being perfectly capable young people. Interestingly, this competitive climate impacts teens in other ways too. Some teens that I work with have shared that their peers at school are unlikely to help them if they are struggling with homework because they do not want their peers to succeed as it would mean that their own success would somehow be less valuable. I believe that this attitude of “me first” or “only some can succeed” is particularly toxic for teens as it reduces our likelihood to develop compassion or understanding for others’ and their experiences. I have so many conversations in my office where teens will share something that they believe very strongly and when I try to help them consider others’ perspectives, they at times really struggle. For example, when the topic of being transgender comes up and individuals who do not struggle with their gender identity or expression struggle to understand that experience. Or when the topic of wealth inequality and related challenges comes up and those who are from more affluent families struggle to understand what it would be like not to have enough. Many of the challenges that I see in our world relate to a basic lack of understanding of each other and lack of social perspective taking (which just means, even though you are living an experience that is unlike my own, I will try to see it from your perspective). And it makes sense that if we tell our kids that there is only so much (food, money, etc.) to go around, that they will worry if they will get what they need and then feel that they need to worry about that before helping others. In a way, they are putting on their own oxygen mask first, which while good advice in an emergency, is not a great way to learn about how to relate to others as a developing person in our world! I would encourage parents to consider ways they might be encouraging competition or scarcity mindsets in their families. I invite you to consider ways to adjust your message if you are. For example, when parents instill in their children a mindset that there is only one path to success (regardless of what that path is), it automatically makes them feel that if that path is not for them, they are not likely to be okay. This creates a feeling of scarcity as only those on the “right” path will be “okay” as adults. Consider the following differences:
If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! We love talking about how to support teens and help their parents communicate effectively with them about their futures! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
One of the most interesting observations that I have about our current generation of teens, is that they seem to be easily frustrated and upset when things do not go the way they would like. While some of this is definitely a part of being a teen, it definitely seems to also be a challenge rooted in growing up in our current culture. While it is ultimately up to the teen to learn how to cope with disappointment more effectively, it is helpful to look at some of the broader reasons why they may experience the world in this way.
One big factor I see impacting frustration tolerance development in our teens is that there are less opportunities for developing those skills in our “instant gratification” and overly tech focused world. When this topic comes up with parents of the teens that I work with, I often talk with parents about all the opportunities that they had to develop their emotional regulation skills to help them cope with disappointment and frustration. Remember when we didn’t have instant access to shows, movies, music, friends, etc. by using smart phones? While technology is definitely helping our world in many ways, a big impact of having so many things easily accessible at our fingertips as children whose brains are still developing, is that we have less opportunity for natural ways to develop frustration tolerance. Imagine this scenario – your toddler is crying because they want to watch something (Daniel Tiger anyone?). In the dark ages when I was a kid, we had to wait until that show came on, time watching TV at the time of the show, sit through commercials, and tolerate the frustration of not having the ability to have what we want right when we want it. Now, it is so easy to just play the show for them and it feels uncomfortable as a parent to choose not to give your child something without a reason. Additionally, there are usually minimal interruptions, commercials, and even waiting time for your child to get what they are asking for. And as the parent of a toddler myself, it is so tempting to just give them the things they want to avoid a horrible meltdown! While this is just one example, I think it is an important one because it is so common for all of us to use quick fixes to solve our kids’ problems. Consider the following:
It is just SO easy to access so much at our fingertips now. And as a parent it is easy to look at these examples as small examples but they all add up. Every quick fix for a kids’ upset feelings, disappointment, forgetfulness, adds up to a kid who is going to struggle more with managing those feelings and tasks in the future. As a parent, it is important to look at every mistake, challenge, emotion as an opportunity for our kid/teen to learn a valuable life lesson. Since problems are generally easier to solve in our world, we have to most likely create situations where we may even choose NOT to solve a problem, just so that our child can learn to tolerate the frustration of not getting something instantly. Another element to consider in this discussion is that parents are very focused on their children. While this is a great thing in terms of parent-child relationships and development, it can at times lead parents to “over solve” problems rather than to scaffold their child’s ability to solve the problem themselves. Scaffolding is a crucial part of teaching that applies to parenting and just means that when our child is not able to do something yet, we don’t dive in and just take over the task, we let them struggle with it first and then intervene just enough so that they can figure it out on their own. Pretty much, you want to help the least amount possible, rather than take over and accidentally do it for them. This allows children to understand the feeling of productive struggle that leads to solutions and progress. If we as parents are uncomfortable with struggle, we are likely to dive in too early and rescue them which avoids a child’s distress but also their learning about how to manage distress, frustration, and how to persevere when challenged. If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! We love talking about how to support teens and families develop more frustration tolerance and grit!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. Happy Holidays from all of us at Thrive to all of our Thrive blog readers!At Thrive, we know that the holidays can be a very stressful or emotionally difficult time for families. If you or your loved ones would like support, please call or email us today! We still have therapists on our team who are working and happy to support you! We at Thrive have certainly noticed that the holidays bring a certain level of expectation, anxiety, and feelings of overwhelm and overcommitment for many of the families, kids included, that we work with. This year does not seem any different and perhaps is even more stressful and overwhelming due to the timing of the holidays. Many of the families we have been working with are particularly stressed and worried about how they will accomplish all the things they either want to, or feel that they are expected, to accomplish. I wanted to share some of our previous blogs on this topic as I felt that they are still helpful and a fun blast from the past! Here are some of my favorites!  Dr. Maria Fowlks – In this blog she writes about managing the overwhelm of the holiday season as a parent and understanding that your child might be overwhelmed too.  Dr. Erica Wollerman – This blog shares ways parents can manage expectations during the holidays  Dr. Erica Wollerman – This blog is all about coping with holiday anxiety I hope you enjoyed these blog posts and found them helpful in the hustle and bustle of the season! If there is anything we can do to support you and your loved ones now or in the New Year, please feel free to reach out via phone or email! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanI thought it might be nice to take a short break from our parenting teens and the challenges of being a teen blog series to focus a bit more on the holidays in our families. The holidays are always such a busy time for families as well as a difficult one for many reasons. Some families are grieving family members who have passed or changes in their family that have affected who is present for the holidays. Others are just so overscheduled and busy with travel, gifts, events, hosting family, and All. The. Things. we are supposed to do that it is not the most enjoyable of seasons. I wanted to post a bit about how to try and enjoy the holidays, particularly if you have a teen at home. Let’s start off with a general holiday survival tip - My biggest tip for enjoying the holidays that really can apply to any family is to work on reducing your obligations and replacing them with things you actually enjoy. Often, as parents, we feel responsible for cultivating the perfect holiday with perfect traditions. For many people, this is overwhelming and creates a sense of irritation when your efforts are not recognized or even appreciated by your family members. I encourage families to focus on the things and events about the holidays that they truly enjoy and cut everything else out. It’s okay not to do everything and it’s even better to do the things you love so that it truly can be a time of connection and enjoyment as a family! My two tips for enjoying holidays with a teen are: 1. Meet them where they are at This is huge. I’ve had years of conversations with parents who tell me all the things they hope and want to do with their teen during their break. Or, what they think their teen “should” be doing. I encourage parents all the time to really put themselves in their kids’ shoes. Teens are chronically tired, stressed, and overwhelmed these days. When you feel that way, would you really want your parents putting more demands on you? Probably not. Check in with them about what they are hoping for over break and make sure to set up clear expectations about things you really need them to participate in or take care of. The more this is a dialogue, rather than a top down exercise in telling them what to do, the better it will go! 2. Expect less In general, I would say that the above tip is going to require this tip. You will most likely be hoping for more than your teen can or is willing to give. If you go into the holidays expecting gratitude, lots of family time playing board games, and definitely not a lot of “screen time” or time with friends, you are ultimately setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt feelings. Every teen I work with looks at breaks from school as opportunities to sleep, rest, watch TV, and spend time with their friends. Even the ones who have great relationships with their parents. I repeat, even the ones who love spending time with their parents. As a parent, it is important not to interpret your teen’s disinterest in whatever it is you are suggesting as a reflection of how much they care about you or want to be with you. It is a reflection of their current place and stage in life. I hope this is helpful! I wish all of you a happy holiday season and remember, we are here to help at Thrive even during the holidays! Call or email us today if you would like more information about how we can help you and your family thrive! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanSince we work often with teens and their parents at Thrive, I wanted to spend some time sharing more about what I observe about how our current culture impacts teens (and their parents). Apparently, what I was hoping to share can’t be expressed in just one blog post so I am planning a series all about teens and parenting teens! This blog series was particularly inspired by some of my conversations recently with my teen clients about how challenging it feels to be a teen in our world. With the pressure of social media, super competitive college admissions, the focus on happiness but also achievement, and increased anxiety and fear – it is genuinely a tough time to be a teen. What I also know is that it is a tough time to be a parent of a teen. I would say that as relentless as the pressures are of adolescence, the pressure on parents is equally relentless! Unfortunately, this leads to patterns and cycles of stress just being transferred back and forth between teens and their parents. Before we talk more about the specific pressures on teens that I am noticing, I wanted to share my thoughts about what teens need most from their parents. It also might be helpful to check out my past posts about the pressures of parenting a teen and tips for parents of teens! 1. Love and Acceptance While many teens become awfully prickly and interactions with them can be challenging for parents, teens genuinely need love, acceptance, and a true sense of belonging from their parents. It’s important to remember that teens struggle with parental authority often because they are trying to figure out how to be their own person and grow away from their family to be on their own as adults. This is difficult and can be reminiscent of the toddler years. Mixed messages are common, as are outward rejections of parents while deep down wanting love, approval, kindness, and affection. It is so important that parents follow their teen’s lead but also provide them with a safe place for them to find genuine caring connections. Even if it gets you an eye roll or irritated glare, show them love and truly try to accept them for who they are becoming. Talk to them about common interests and just ask questions without lecturing or slipping into “parent mode.” Often the teens I work with just want an adult who cares and tries to see it from their side without immediately trying to fix it or tell them the “learning opportunity” in each situation. 2. Boundaries Teens will never, ever tell you but they definitely need boundaries. They need to be able to experiment with things in the world but to have parents who hold them accountable. While I am not a big fan of parents coming down too hard about grades (our academic system is stressful enough for most kids), I do think that most teens need some responsibilities at home. It’s important to learn to pitch in as a family and to learn how to manage personal and academic responsibilities. Make sure that the boundaries you set in place make sense and have some sort of natural consequences. For example, if a teen is struggling to make it home on time/before curfew, maybe they lose their driving privileges for a while. This helps them to learn that privileges involve responsibility which will help them know their limits as well as understand cause and effect in our world. Adults who did not have boundaries during childhood tend to not be the best employees or students later in life. 3. Empathy Do you remember just how difficult and confusing it can be to be a teenager? I certainly do and hold that experience in mind when I work with my teen clients and explore situations that are difficult for them as often what teens need from us is a little empathy. Even if our lives are more stressful or difficult as adults who have a zillion more responsibilities, remember that what they are experiencing is so important to them and genuinely difficult. Part of this is because they only have limited life experience and have difficulty comprehending that their life will not be this way forever. I’ll discuss the gift of perspective more in the next section. Future blogs in this series will also describe the challenges of being a teen currently that we might not always understand as adults who grew up in a very different environment. 4. Perspective I see one of the biggest challenges of being a teen currently is that they genuinely do not know that life is so much more than high school, or what college you go to, or if you have a “thing” with the cute person at school. Teens are amazing because they experience the world very intensely and passionately but this brings the challenge that since they have not had years to adjust to being a more adult like person, like we have all had, they do not realize that their current situation is not everything. I believe a gift we can give them is just a little perspective. And not in terms of telling them how hard adulthood can be, but in terms of helping them know that our lives are always changing and that most experiences are temporary in nature and will not last forever. This is a concept that is much more available to our adult brains than theirs. 5. Space Oh boy do teens need space. They need so many forms of space – space to be themselves and experiment with who they are and want to be; space to make mistakes and totally screw up without us preventing it; space to cope on their own and exist without parent involvement sometimes; space to make their own decisions; and space to change. The more we can let our teens guide things, within certain boundaries and limits of course, the better. They just need a lot of space as they walk their path into adulthood and the more we can give them now, the better they will do on their own later in life. Plus, the less we push our values, goals, judgments, etc. on them, the more likely it is that they will reach back out to us when they are ready. I hope you enjoyed the first blog in this series all about parenting teens and the challenges of teens! Please stay tuned for more blogs to come on this topic and reach out to us at Thrive if you would like support in parenting your teen! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  Some readers might be wondering what autism even is so I thought it might help to share a bit about it before continuing with the blog. In layperson’s terms, autism is term that describes a broad range of conditions that typically involve challenges in social relationships, verbal skills, nonverbal communication, general development, and can include repetitive behaviors or approaching the world in a more rigid, structured way. Because the term “autism” encompasses a wide spectrum of individuals who often experience the world in many different ways, it is difficult to generalize what an autism diagnosis will mean for your family or child. It is best to seek understanding for how your child may or may not experience the world, rather than to project ideas of what this might mean for them onto them. Also keep in mind that many common portrayals of individuals with autism in our media (example of Rain Man) are entirely inaccurate and do not describe everyone. By: Dr. Erica WollermanSince one of my specialties is working with parents of kids with autism and working with individuals on the autism spectrum in general, a question I get asked a lot is about what to do when your child is either screened as being at risk for having autism or newly diagnosed with autism. Particularly because young children are often getting screened for autism starting at their well child visits with their pediatricians around a year of age or younger, this has become much more common for parents to wonder about and experience. In my experience, this can be such an overwhelming process for parents and one that unfortunately, not every pediatrician is skilled at handling well with them. Often, parents are given a long list of resources without much direction as to what would be most helpful for their child or they are steered towards Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) immediately. While ABA can be helpful for some children, it is becoming much more commonly referenced as a therapy to treat almost any childhood challenge. I find this a bit alarming because ABA therapy is very behavioral in nature and at times can miss the more emotional component of what is going on for children. So, what do I recommend to parents with either a newly diagnosed child on the spectrum or a newly screened “at risk” toddler? Step One: Take a deep breath. This sounds silly but I find that parents in this situation are so overwhelmed and overcome with a feeling of urgency to get your child into the “right” treatment or intervention that is going to “fix” them. The thing is, it is okay and preferable to take some time with this experience. Your child is not different today than they were yesterday and while early intervention is very helpful, it is okay if you set it up next week or next month, rather than right this second. It is okay to make sure you are wrapping your head around what is happening first so that you can be a calm place to set up the services you feel comfortable with. In other words, take a deep breath and let yourself sit with this information before you do anything else. A calm, peaceful parent is going to be the most helpful as you go through the next parts of this process. I’d also like to note that there are a lot of myths out there about what it means to have autism and that the reality is not what you may see on TV, movies, or the internet. It is a BIG spectrum with a lot of variability so just because your child might fall somewhere on it, does not mean they will be a certain way or not be a certain way. For example, parents tend to worry that their child will not show them affection if they have autism and this is just not the case for all kids. Some kids are affectionate, some are not and this applies similarly to people on the spectrum too. While having a child with autism can be challenging at times, it is also pretty amazing at times – just like parenting any child. I am of the belief that we all have our struggles, and our children will too, and it is all about figuring out what our children need to thrive. Some of my favorite clients and people have autism and I truly love being able to know them and the way they experience the world. I could go on and on but my point here is simply, try not to panic or overreact to this news. Step Two: Do a little research. By this, I mean that it would be helpful to consider what your child is experiencing and if you fully agree with their diagnosis or at risk status. Have you been having concerns yourself perhaps that their development is not where you think it should be or matching other kids you know or see? When you read more about children with autism, does it match your experience? Do you feel you might want a second opinion? Maybe read a few books or blogs from other parents or experts in the field to help you gage what you are seeing and feeling. Keep in mind that some children are going to get a positive screen and then not end up meeting the criteria for being on the spectrum when they are older. I always say that this is why I am so conservative in diagnosing children and teens because sometimes their symptoms are more developmental than pathological, though they may at times be problematic. Step Three: Seek Consultation I would also encourage you to seek consultation with a therapist or psychologist who specializes in working with children on the spectrum or even to seek out a more formal full developmental assessment. Ideally, this person can help you chart a course of treatment individualized to your family and child’s situation. Often, parents are given so many ideas of what to do (Speech, OT, ABA, individual therapy, group therapy, etc.) that it can be overwhelming. Ideally, you can find someone who can help you determine what your child would benefit most from and start with that method of therapy. Therapists, psychologists, speech, and OT providers can be helpful to consult with to help you determine the best path forward. If you feel your child’s diagnosis is accurate, this is where you want to start collecting treatment options to see what would be a good fit for your family. It might help to join some Facebook groups with other parents in the same situation so that you can check in with what other parents are doing and what their experiences have been with different therapies and providers. I have found that treatment options really vary depending on your child’s presentation and needs so remember that none of this is one size fits all! A great resource in San Diego can be San Diego Regional Center also so this might be a good time to reach out to them. I hope these ideas are helpful to you! If you have questions or are a parent of a newly diagnosed child with autism or even an “at risk” child, feel free to reach out to us to see if we can support you at our office. We love working with parents in parent consultation sessions or even individual therapy to help support you throughout this process. Raising a child who is developing differently can be very challenging at times and we are happy to help however we can! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. |
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