Thrive Therapy Blog

What Is Play Therapy?

4/6/2022

By: Dr. Andrea Seldonridge

As a therapist who works with children, I have often been asked by parents what play therapy is, what its purpose of it is, and how it works. So, I hope to convey a bit about what play therapy actually looks like and the reasons why we use it!

“Toys are children’s words and play is their language”. This is a commonly shared quote by Garry Landreth, a prominent play therapist. Play therapy is a form of therapy that is commonly used with children (but even adults can engage in play therapy too!). In typical therapy with adults, adults can verbalize their experiences, emotions, and needs. Children of course are often unable to do so, especially very young children. As many children are unable to put into words their experiences or communicate their needs or pain, play therapy is a way that they can do so that fits their developmental stage. No talking is required since play is a thorough method of communication!

Play therapy is different from normal play. As a therapist stays attuned to what is happening for the child in their play, it can help the child process their feelings and experiences. Rather than spending the session talking, we can work to help children resolve issues via play.

There are so many different tools, toys, and play activities children can use in play therapy. Sometimes this can be playing with dolls or figurines, using a sand tray, making art, or other types of pretend play. The toys can resemble different themes or aspects of their lives, such as family relationships, safety, power, or interpersonal relationships. Play is a safe space where children can play out scary scenarios or painful experiences or emotions. Sometimes these experiences or issues would be too scary or overwhelming to face outside the therapy room. Through this play, they can process the events and practice resolving issues within the safe space, while also providing a sense of relief. It provides children a developmentally appropriate way to deal with depression, anxiety, and even trauma.

Often, play therapy can be directive to help reach specific goals, while often it is very non-directive. When play is non-directive, it gives the child a chance to lead, develop confidence, and increase their sense of agency. Play gets to be organic. It is a chance for them to explore what they would like to in therapy. Many times when I have done play therapy, I will let the child know at the beginning of therapy “this is your play place. You can do anything you would like to. If there is something you can’t do, I will let you know”. After setting boundaries around safety, the children get to just take it from there! Play also helps children let their guard down and just be themselves.

Play therapy does four major tasks.

Facilitates communication. Play promotes self-expression and communicating thoughts and feelings. It allows children to overcome difficulties without needing to have the ability to verbalize them. Metaphors are also used in play to help them solve their problems.
Fosters emotional wellness. Play helps children release unpleasant feelings, increase their sense of control, and improve their overall mood.
Increases personal strengths. Children can practice their problem solving skills, build self-esteem, and increase their creativity. This can increase their overall confidence to tackle issues in the world outside the therapy room.
Enhances social relationships. Parents can be involved in play therapy, playing alongside their child. This play works to facilitate positive emotions and attachment between parents and children. Children get to practice their social skills and through role-playing, they can increase the empathy they have for others.

Play therapy is a great way for children to process and resolve the issues they are facing in a safe and developmentally appropriate way. It is a unique take on therapy, reminding us that children have found their own way of communicating without the need for words.

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

The Importance of Making Mistakes

3/9/2022

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

I have never liked making mistakes. This was always most prevalent for me in school. When I was in 1st grade, we had a spelling quiz each week. If you got a perfect score, you did not have to retake it. I have been told that most times I did not get a perfect score, I would cry. In 4th grade, I got my first D on an exam. I distinctly remember when my teacher told me and I could not stop crying as I was so frustrated with myself. However, there were other areas of my life that I was more than okay making mistakes in! Specifically, anything sports related. Playing kickball in P.E. class, I rarely kicked the ball far enough. I even remember when other kids would be upset with me that I was not a better teammate. But you know, it did not bother me! I just had fun and placed no pressure on myself to be perfect!

I think for a lot of people, we have certain areas in our life in which we are hard on ourselves, whereas in others we can give ourselves more grace. I was always “good” at school, so when I messed up, I had a harder time handling it. Whereas with sports, I was proud of myself if I just got through the game. The only way I became better at handling the fact that I would make mistakes academically was just by making more mistakes. I had to get used to the fact that mistakes happen, even if I thought they should not.

Childhood really is a great time for making mistakes! As adults, we at times want to shield kids from the negative results some of their mistakes might lead to. However, making mistakes is fundamental in development and there are some mistakes that might be worth letting them make to reach those developmental milestones. Here are a few reasons why it is important for kids to make mistakes.

They learn to problem solve. Through making mistakes, they can learn to tell themselves “Okay, this did not go how I hoped. What can I do now?” They will learn how to reassess the situation and develop a plan B. If they make another mistake, they can make a plan C. This helps them learn to not give up after one or two attempts and that in some way they will figure it out!
It teaches them they are human. This is something that I wish I had learned much earlier in life! They might put a lot of pressure on themselves and making mistakes allows them to experience failure. Experiencing, and more so FEELING failure lets them know that despite their best efforts, mistakes do happen! No one can avoid it no matter how hard they try.
They learn the world will not actually end. If they feel anxious they will make a mistake - and then make the mistake - they usually feel even more anxious. However, once they see that whatever they were most worried about did not happen, it can start to reduce the anxiety they feel.
They develop distress tolerance. If what they feared would happen does happen, it is a great time to increase distress tolerance. When we mess up, we might feel anxious, overwhelmed, or angry. All of those feelings are valid! By practicing making mistakes as a child, they can learn to slowly increase their ability to get through these difficult emotions or uncomfortable outcomes.
Being perfect does not define your worth. Lastly, they can learn that just because they made a mistake, it does not mean they are worth any less. They are still wholly and fully themselves, no matter what grade they get or how many goals they score.

Childhood is a great age to practice making mistakes, especially as the consequences of those mistakes often have smaller consequences than maybe some mistakes one could make in adulthood. Allowing your child to make mistakes while being able to receive your feedback and support can increase their self-confidence to try again.

Why Parents Should Encourage Risk Taking

2/23/2022

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

I usually associate risk taking with bungee jumping or skydiving. Those are both “risks” I doubt I will ever take, no matter how many times my friends say “it’s so worth it”. While I am not a fan of heights, I do think I have taken risks in other ways. I think about the times when I have moved to a new city by myself. There were risks that I would not make friends and risks that I would regret having moved. However, I was willing to take those jumps because I knew I could find a way to handle it. As an adult, it feels easier to tell myself to take a risk. I can gauge if the risk is too big or if it might be just big enough by the amount of risks I have taken in life so far. Children can benefit from taking risks too. There are definitely times that a risk is too big (like the time I tried to jump into the pool without my floaties “like the big kids”). However, appropriate risk taking can actually be really helpful in their development. Below I have shared some of the benefits of allowing kids to take risks.

Risk taking builds confidence. I think one example of this is when a child first rides a bike without training wheels. Once they overcome the fear of falling (and likely fall a few times), they gain more confidence. When a child is able to try new things and they realize they have succeeded, it can be a huge self-confidence booster.
It increases the likelihood they will try new things. That self-confidence gain helps them see other risks as opportunities they can take. It helps them feel less limited in what they can do. When we try to protect a child a little too much, they end up learning that there are tasks they cannot do that they probably can. This can end up leading to more self-doubt.
They can learn to fail well. If they try something new and it does not go well, this can actually be a good thing! This allows them the opportunity to feel the disappointment, recover, and build strength to try again. They learn that they can feel disappointment and still be proud of giving it a go. In the end, this can increase their resilience when trying new things. This also gives a parent the chance to validate their child’s feelings of disappointment, while also reflecting on the courage it took to take the risk.
They learn what risks are too risky. When children try new things, they often look at their parent first to see if what they are about to do is safe. If a child has less opportunities to decide for themselves what risks to take, they might have a difficult time gauging what risk is too risky or reckless in the future. Like I shared above, if they decide to take a risk that ends up having been a tad too risky, it allows an opportunity for the parent and child to talk about it. It can help the child reflect on how they might better know for the future if a risk is too much.

While your child might not be begging to go bungee jumping, I would encourage you to consider what appropriate risks they could take that can help them continue to increase their self-confidence. By doing so, it can help increase their sense of agency as they move towards adulthood.

Recognizing Anxiety in Kids

2/16/2022

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

When I think of anxiety as an adult, I think of stressful thoughts, racing hearts, sweaty palms, and being preoccupied with whatever I’m anxious about. As adults, we’ve had years to learn to improve our ability to identify what emotion we’re feeling. When you can identify it, it makes it a lot easier to navigate how to cope. Sometimes just being able to identify an emotion is relieving in itself.

For kids however, it can be harder for them to identify and communicate what emotion they are feeling. It can be even more difficult because some emotions, like anxiety, can look like anything but anxiety! Below I have listed some ways of what anxiety can look like in kids that might differ from adults.

Difficulty concentrating. If their mind seems to wander more or if they are having difficulty focusing on tasks or daily activities, it might be anxiety. Sometimes their anxious thoughts can end up clouding their ability to focus in the same way that when adults are stressed, we might become more easily distracted.
Physical symptoms. You might also have heard this described as somatic symptoms. There was a time in high school when I kept feeling nauseous before school. I could never figure out what was causing it. It was not until I reached adulthood that I recognized it was anxiety manifesting as nausea. Anxiety can look like a variety of physical symptoms, like muscle tension or restlessness. If your child complains of tummy aches, this can be a possible sign of anxiety. (Of course, if you’re concerned about yours or your child’s physical health, it is best to consult a medical provider to ensure there is nothing else going on).
Irritability. Sometimes when a child is angry or even just frustrated, it really is not about the person or situation that is occurring. Rather, it might be anxiety coming out as anger. Anger can be a way of protecting oneself from something that is scary or worrisome. If your child has become more irritable recently, I would encourage you to be curious about what else might be going on and if there has been a recent change that might have initiated it.
Wanting to avoid school. It could be that they dread a specific class (this was me for every English class) or just not be a fan of school as a whole. It could also be that there is something about the school day that is so uncomfortable or anxiety producing that it feels safest to stay home. They just might not be able to identify that they are feeling anxious or what it is they are anxious about. If your child is attempting to avoid going to school, this behavior might not be as much about defiance but more so them feeling overwhelmed.
Withdrawing from others. Sometimes when a child seems depressed, it might actually be anxiety (or a combination of both). Like irritability, it can be another way to protect yourself. If a child withdraws from others, it can be a way to feel like they are able to take a step back from the anxiety producing situation.
Difficulty sleeping. I think as adults, a lot of us know that when we are stressed, we often won’t sleep well that night. For kids however, since they might not be able to verbalize their stress and anxiety, it comes out as difficulty sleeping.

While this isn’t an exhaustive list, these are some of the most common ways anxiety shows up in kids. If your child is experiencing any of the above, it might be helpful to check in with them on their stress levels and just remind them that you are there for them to be a listening ear.

5 Ways to Address Suicidal Ideation as a Parent

1/26/2022

By: Andrea Seldomridge

Wondering if your child is at risk of hurting themselves can feel incredibly scary. Sometimes it is hard to know if your child’s depressed mood is another part of being a child or teen, or if it is a sign of something more urgent. Maybe you are concerned that your child is feeling suicidal or they might have already communicated that they are indeed having suicidal thoughts. It can be hard to know how to keep your child safe when it comes it suicide or how to even broach the topic. If you are wondering if your child is experiencing suicidal thoughts or are concerned that their depression is something more than depression, here are some ways you can address suicidal ideation as a parent.

Check for warning signs. There are several potential warning signs of suicidal thoughts. These include experiencing a depressed mood, loss of interest in activities, increased substance use, saying statements like “I wish I could sleep and never wake up” or “no one would miss me if I was gone”, or talking about death and suicide.
Ask them directly if they are having suicidal thoughts. There is a common myth that asking someone if they are suicidal or bringing up the topic of suicide can put the idea in their mind. Research shows that this is not only a myth, but it is actually best to ask directly. This can look like “have you been having thoughts of killing yourself or thoughts of suicide?” This lets your child know that you see their pain, care enough to ask, and that you want to support them.
Assess risk. When we assess for risk in therapy, we always assess for if someone has a plan to commit suicide, an intent on doing so, and if they have the means to. As a parent, you can ask “have you made a plan to attempt suicide? have you thought about how you would attempt suicide?” and if so asking if they have access to the items they would use. If they answer yes to any of these, let them know you are glad they could share this information with you and that you will continue to be there for them. It would then be important to seek out professional help, such as contacting a therapist, calling a suicide hotline, or visiting your local emergency room if the risk is imminent.
Make the situation safe. Removing the means someone would commit suicide with is a way to help keep someone safe. For example, if a child shares that they would use medication to attempt suicide, you can keep the medication locked in a different cabinet. Additionally, I would highly encourage you to keep firearms locked and kept out of access.
Ask how you can support them. This can be different for every child, but if they are able to identify a way you can be there for them, thank them for letting you know. Be sure to avoid minimizing pain or providing a quick fix. If they are not ready to talk, you can let them know that it is okay if they are not ready and that you will be there to listen whenever they are. For many children, attending therapy can be a great place where they can begin talking with another person who will listen and support them. Lastly, another way to support them is finding small activities to engage in together, such as going on a walk or watching a movie. This shows them that you are there for them without feeling a pressure to talk.

If you are ever concerned for the safety of your child, seek out professional help. This can look like seeking out therapy for your child or calling the Access and Crisis line (1-888-724-7240). If your child is at immediate risk, call 911 or go to your local emergency room.

5 Ways to Support Teens with Low Self-Esteem

1/19/2022

By Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

Being a teen can be difficult to say the least. While it is a time of self-exploration, figuring out who you are and what you value, it is also a time when it becomes especially easy to compare yourself to others. A teen might not make the sports team or pass that difficult class, or may start to compare how they look to their peers. Most teens end up struggling with low self-esteem at some point. It can feel painful as a parent to see your child doubt themselves, but thankfully there are a few things parents can do to help their teen gain confidence in themselves.

Make space to listen rather than problem-solve. I think this is hands down the best thing one could do. Providing a space where your teen can share how they are feeling without providing a solution can make them feel heard and seen. It can be so easy to quickly point out what is great about them - there are likely several things that are great about them! However, sometimes it can end up feeling invalidating. Instead, you can just reflect to them how they are feeling by saying “I know you’re feeling down” or “I know you’re really frustrated with this class”.
Focus on efforts rather than outcomes. For myself, science was always the most difficult class and the tests that I never quite got the grade I was hoping for. I remember when someone told me “you worked really hard and that matters a lot”. It was so encouraging to have someone praise the effort I put into it, because even when I did not get the grade I could still be proud of myself for the extra studying. If your teen is dealing with low self-esteem regarding a class, not making the sports team, or just not meeting their expectations, try praising them for the efforts they put into it.
Encourage them to try new things. Encouraging your teen to try a new activity can help boost confidence and gain practice in putting themselves out there. Whether they do well or do not meet their expectations, you can reflect the courage it takes to try new activities.
Speak kindly to yourself. This is a great way to model positive self-talk! Many of us (including myself) are skilled in identifying the things we dislike about ourselves. Creating the habit of using positive self-talk with ourselves can be a good way to demonstrate it to teens.
Help them reflect on ways they have grown. When experiencing low self-esteem, all-or-nothing thinking can set it. It might leave them feeling like they have never been good enough and won’t ever be. Helping them identify things that were once difficult for them that they now do with ease can increase self-confidence.

Gaining self-esteem is a gradual process. Listening to your teen, reflecting their feelings, and being there for them are some of the best ways to help them increase their self-confidence.

6 Ways to Cope with Loneliness

12/8/2021

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

Loneliness is something we all experience at one time or another. For myself, I often associate loneliness with when I’ve moved to a new city by myself away from friends, or when I’ve ended a stage in my life, like graduating, and missed the sense of community that I once had. Sometimes it can feel hopeless that you’ll feel deeper connections with others and find people to confide in like you have in the past, or that you’ll be able to develop a new relationship altogether. Sometimes people feel especially lonely at the end of a relationship, or maybe after a fall out with a friend. Other times, people can feel lonely even when in a crowd of people they love. Loneliness can be caused by a whole variety of situations! Overcoming loneliness can feel difficult to do, and that’s okay too. Below I’ve listed some ways that can be helpful in coping with loneliness.

Know that it’s okay to feel lonely. Even if you have good relationships and maybe feel like you “shouldn’t” feel lonely, it’s still okay if you do. It doesn’t make you ungrateful, but rather it means you’re a person with a wide range of emotions! Learning to recognize and accept that you’re feeling lonely is a great start.
You aren’t alone in feeling lonely. As a therapist I can definitely validate that there has been an increase in feeling disconnected from others since the beginning of the pandemic. It’s definitely not just you. You might be surprised at how many others in your life feel just as lonely.
Consider what might be causing the loneliness. Like I mentioned above, there are so many reasons why someone might feel lonely. Identifying why you are feeling lonely can help make it easier to know how to cope. Maybe you aren’t close with anyone in your town, or maybe it’s been difficult to spend quality time with others. Maybe you just came out of a relationship, or maybe you feel disconnected even when with others. When was the last time you didn’t feel lonely? What was it about that time that made you feel connected?
Reach out to others. This might seem impossible, or it might seem that if I had people to reach out to, I wouldn’t feel lonely! I always try to think about who I can reach out to that I’m not the closest with, like an acquaintance or someone I haven’t talked to for a while. Sending a simple text to someone can really brighten their day. There’s a chance that they might be feeling lonely too and would be excited to know you were thinking of them. It can feel intimidating to do so, and it’s okay if you feel anxious. We all feel nervous to reach out to others at one time or another!
Allow time for relationships to grow. Sometimes I miss the day in kindergarten when I instantly made a friend with the girl I shared a desk with. Most of my relationships since then have taken more time to develop. Most relationships take time and effort to become deeper and genuinely connected. If it’s taking longer for you, that’s totally okay. Putting in extra effort can be exhausting, but it can definitely be worth it.
Find ways to enjoy your own company. While loneliness isn’t fun to feel, it can actually be a time where we can invest back into ourselves. Once when I moved to a new city by myself (I’ve ended up doing it a few times) I definitely felt lonely. So for one month, I tried to view my weekends by myself as a time I could learn to enjoy my own company more. I had been wanting to get back into knitting, so I bit off more than I could chew and aimed to knit a blanket because I knew it would take longer than a single weekend to complete. While working on the blanket, I was able to take time to think about what intentions I wanted to set for myself living in the new city. Towards the end of the month, I found myself looking forward to working on the project and having time to reflect on the week and recharge.

All in all, know that you are not alone in feeling lonely. Hopefully one or two of these ways can help make experiencing loneliness a bit less difficult and help you feel more connected to others.

Dr. Seldomridge is now accepting new clients!
She is supervised by Dr. Erica Wollerman (PSY25614).

Getting Through Tough Times as a Parent - A Therapist’s Personal Reflection

10/25/2021

If you are a regular Thrive blog reader, you will have noticed that I have not blogged in quite some time. Initially, I was just focused on some other areas of the business and my client and family needs and then this fall, our family life became very intense due to a Covid school closure after a planned school break and I feel like I am just now catching my breath over here!

With everything that has happened recently, I have not been the only one in my family struggling unfortunately. My son, Luca, who I adore, has seemed to also be struggling a bit. I have to admit that this recent period of challenge threw me for a loop! While I routinely work with my clients on remembering that their child’s development is not linear and to avoid catastrophic thinking, I struggled with this myself recently. You see, Luca, who has been in daycare his whole life essentially, started struggling with going to school after the planned vacation/time away, new school year, and then a two week closure due to Covid. Things are improving now, but wow, this really was tough for me as well! I thought it might be helpful to share about this as it has helped me clarify certain things about parenting that can be so tough for all of us, even me.

Here are my suggestions when you are dealing with a bump in your child’s development and believe me, these are all things I incorporated eventually and were helpful for me as well!

Breathe. Take a break. Enjoy the fun moments with your child. Even during difficult times, it is crucial that we communicate love and joy to our child. Even after Luca was having explosive meltdowns about not wanting to go to school, I tried to connect with him and help us both remember how much love we have for each other and how much I love him. I really tried to remember that he is doing the best he can and that he is struggling, which is okay, even if it is hard.
Talk to your “go to” parent friends. Get support. Even as someone who offers parents support on a daily basis, without judgment, I initially struggled with talking about what was happening and my fears. I am truly lucky that I have a great group of friends and colleagues that I can lean on, but it was still hard to reach out and share just how much I was struggling with this situation. When I did though, my friends were supportive and shared similar situations that they went through. Not only did this help me feel less alone, scared, and crazy - it helped me remember that most of the time these situations are temporary.
Keep it in perspective. As I mentioned above, most of the time these situations are temporary. Once I was able to get some support from my friends and family, I realized that I was completely catastrophizing the situation. Partially because of my work and seeing how difficult it can be to parent a child who doesn’t like school and might eventually struggle intensely with school refusal, I was very scared that we were heading down a difficult path. It really helped for me to remember that kids go through bumps, and they usually come out on the other side just fine.
Empathize and validate while holding boundaries. One of the most interesting things that I have reflected on for me about this situation was that I felt an instant need to solve the problem. You see, Luca had a very big meltdown one day going to school seemingly out of the blue (not necessarily true but it happened with such a delay after the vacation, school closure, and class change that it took me by surprise). I immediately began thinking of behavioral strategies like sticker charts that could help us get through this quickly. I was honestly anxious and very worn out from the past month myself and just couldn’t tolerate the idea of struggling with something after we finally had him back in school. While I was talking with my support system, I realized that this might not be a quick fix but it also likely wouldn’t be permanent and was something we could get through with skills I have well developed - empathy and validation plus boundaries. I remember one of the conversations I had where I realized this, oh, so to help Luca, I should just be a therapist about it? While funny now, I felt a bit silly that I had looked for so many quick answers instead of going to strategies that I myself recommend to parents!

Here is what it looked like for us in that situation… Luca would comment in the morning that he did not want to go to school. I would reply with “I hear you love, you don’t want to go to school” and then a few minutes later would direct him to the next task on our morning routine like brushing teeth. He would often keep commenting and at times crying a bit and I would tell him, “I know you don’t want to go to school love, this is really hard for you right now. And I believe you can handle it because we can do hard things.” This pattern continued with him sharing his feelings with me, and I would welcome him sharing about it and listen, validate his experience, while affirming that I am confident he will be okay and not giving any room for him to think he can negotiate by being unsure about his need to go to school. While this didn’t always feel great because I would rather he go to school happily, it was certainly better than the power struggles we could have had!

Lately, we seem to be in a better place where this is coming up periodically but not daily which is a relief. We only had one truly explosive and aggressive meltdown directly outside of school, which is also a relief. I am grateful for the reminder of things I know in my heart to be true, which is that kids will struggle and it is okay. They will struggle, we will not know what to do, and it will work out eventually. Plus, this experience strengthens our ability to pivot as parents and our kids’ ability to cope with challenges as they get older.

We just need to focus on our connection and relationship with them to get through those times as well as our village. In case you are curious, my village involves my team at Thrive and I am so grateful for them and their ability to support parents. If you are in need of support as a parent, please feel free to reach out to us as we truly get it and want to help!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

Grief: 5 Years Later…

2/5/2021

Around this time in 2016, I had a close friend of mine die in a car accident. It’s definitely one of the worst things that has happened in my life. I can still recall the first 24 hours of receiving the news. I was devastated. It wasn’t real, and my friends and I struggled to support each other as we all were experiencing our own grief in our own ways. Triggers flew around with no warning sign, and I was a mess. Two weeks after the accident was also his birthday. Instead of celebrating another year of his life and looking forward towards his future, we all mourned his death and the loss of our friend.

I’ve experienced other losses in my life, but grief is funny in that it never really feels the same. Every situation feels different, and this one… this one has impacted me in ways much deeper and more profound than I could have ever anticipated.

Every year since, I have “dark days” during those two weeks between the anniversary of his death and his birthday. I allow myself to move a little slower. I give myself a little more space to be alone or to lean on others. I let go of any expectations to overachieve. I allow myself to cry when I need to, work when I need to, and reminisce about memories shared and wonder about memories lost, the moments that could’ve been.

Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. It’s not something you “get over.” It’s something you live with and move through. Grief changes you but know that your grief will change too.

I’ve been able to accept my grief. Am I still sad he’s gone? Yes. Do I still cry sometimes? Absolutely. Do I wish I had more time with him? Desperately. I still wonder about what he’d say or how he’d react to something. But I also now welcome the moments that remind me of my friend because it means that he was important and that his life mattered. It means that I was impacted and that he made a difference. I believe that’s what friendship is about. Human connection, and so I find comfort in my grief because it means that his life meant something.

If you know of someone who is grieving and want to give them support, the best thing you can do is to be there for the grieving person. Consider what you would want from someone (a hug, time together, distraction, meals cooked for you, etc.) and offer that but try not to expect anything from them. Since everyone grieves differently, it’s important to offer what you can but to avoid putting any pressure on them to grieve or respond in any specific way.

I also think it is important that you do not try to fix grief for someone else. You might need to sit with and accept that nothing you say or do will make this time easier or happier. Grief is just hard. Period. But, it is a natural part of our lives and something we all need to wade through rather than avoid. And it is certainly helpful to wade through it with a supportive friend or family member if that person can allow the grief to exist when it is there and to subside when it is not. I often reference grief as being similar to a wave, it will come and go and the intensity can vary. While time can heal, grief never goes away but becomes more bearable.

I found this article to be helpful on some tips on providing support to someone experiencing grief.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm

If you’re struggling in your grief, just know that you aren’t alone and know that we are here for you! Grief does not discriminate. It is something everyone feels it at some point in their lives. If you’re looking for some support, we are here to support you.

5 Ways to Cope with Pandemic Holidays

12/4/2020

As I have noticed with my clients, friends, family, and well, myself - holidays this year are feeling pretty complicated. Decision making about what to do and who is safe to see is just incredibly challenging and has been challenging throughout the pandemic. It seems like that challenge only increases as the pandemic continues to worsen this month as so many of us are just plain worn out from worrying about risks and missing our loved ones terribly. For those of us who are sticking it out as much as possible at home, I thought it might be helpful to share some ideas of how we can get through this situation and hopefully enjoy the holidays.

Pick and Choose - The most important holiday tip that I share with clients is always to pick and choose what you do. I think it is crucial that we as parents decide what traditions are the most meaningful and important for our families rather than trying to do all of them. For families with older kids, I encourage parents to check in with their kids to see what they feel is enjoyable or to pick one tradition each to make sure you do. This way you can focus on those things and only do things that truly bring you joy. It’s like the Marie Kondo approach for the holidays!
Focus on the things that are possible - I think it could be really easy this year to get very focused about all of the things we are not doing or missing out on. I know it was tough for my family to see so many others visit and gather with their loved ones for Thanksgiving and it took a conscious effort to focus on what a great day our little family was having instead. So, make sure to try to process the loss we are dealing with and allow a space for your children to do so too. But after that, focus on what is possible and how we can make those things fun.
Create new traditions - Sometimes it can help to break out of the mold and do something new instead of a modified version of a beloved tradition. If you usually spent the night at grandma’s, maybe try to make it extra fun to stay home this year with jammies and a fort in the living room or something. The thing that is important is to try to determine if doing the modified version will make you feel more sad or happy to have some closeness to your usual tradition. If it will bring joy, try it out! If you think it will just feel like a poor replacement, maybe try something you haven’t done before.
Focus on the Pro’s - I am a firm believer that there are truly pros and cons to everything. So, while we might be missing out on traveling to see family (I know we are!), we could try to focus on what we would not miss about those trips. For me, it is packing up and traveling with what feels like our whole house to keep our toddler entertained. And definitely the flights with a toddler! So this year, while I am sad to miss out on the family visits, I am not entirely sad to miss out on the work part of the trip itself!
Take some time to rest - This year has just been so incredibly intense that I think all of us could use a holiday season without some of the hustle and bustle. While I recognize that many of us truly love that part of things this time of year, we likely are not needing more pressure or things to do. So, I think we could take this time to really try to rest and enjoy whatever down time we can. I think it is really needed particularly because of the difficulty of 2020 but also to help us stay intentional in how we cope with our feelings about the differences in our holidays. It will be easier to recognize and acknowledge our emotions if they have time to be expressed and felt. If we rush through this time (because it truly does feel easier to be distracted), we might end up even more sad or grumpy in the long run. I would encourage you to allow yourself some space to access emotions, rest, and then cope in whatever way works best for you and your family.

I know that this is not an easy time for any of us. Holidays are already a challenging time of year for so many people that adding in a pandemic that is spiraling out of control is just unreal. Perhaps the most important thing we can all do is to just go easy on ourselves during this time. Let’s try not to set up expectations that might not be met and just get through this time one day at a time, hopefully finding some joy and holiday cheer along the way.

If you or your loved ones would like added support, Thrive is accepting new clients over telehealth! Contact us today!

<<Previous

What Is Play Therapy?

By: Dr. Andrea Seldonridge

The Importance of Making Mistakes

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

Why Parents Should Encourage Risk Taking

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

Recognizing Anxiety in Kids

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

5 Ways to Address Suicidal Ideation as a Parent

5 Ways to Support Teens with Low Self-Esteem

6 Ways to Cope with Loneliness

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

Dr. Seldomridge is now accepting new clients!
She is supervised by Dr. Erica Wollerman (PSY25614).

Getting Through Tough Times as a Parent - A Therapist’s Personal Reflection

Grief: 5 Years Later…

5 Ways to Cope with Pandemic Holidays

Blogs from the Thrive Family!

Categories

Archives

Call Today! 858-342-1304

Contact Us

By: Dr. Andrea Seldonridge

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

By: Dr. Andrea Seldomridge

​Dr. Seldomridge is now accepting new clients!​She is supervised by Dr. Erica Wollerman (PSY25614).

Blogs from the Thrive Family!

Categories

Archives

Call Today! 858-342-1304

Contact Us

Dr. Seldomridge is now accepting new clients!
She is supervised by Dr. Erica Wollerman (PSY25614).