As a Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in children and teens, families often come to see me wanting help with specific behaviors that are happening in the home, at school, or in the community.  Without the verbal understanding that adults have, children often resort to tantrums, crying, screaming, and yelling much to the frustration of most parents.  It is important to remember that this behavior often serves a purpose for the child.   It can communicate things that children are either unable to say or things they may not even be aware of on a conscious level.  These are the five common needs that are communicated through behavior:
 
1. The need to connect -  Listen, I get it!  Life gets busy and responsibilities get in the way.  Not to mention, dealing with negative behaviors doesn’t make it easy to slow down and connect, but this is a fundamental need that children have on a daily basis.   Find at least 30 minutes each day to dedicate to your child.  Family game nights, art activities, family outings, etc. all allow face-to-face time with each other to improve positive connections and positive relationships.  Children are more willing to comply and behave in appropriate ways once they feel connected!  And once they feel connected, they will be less likely to engage in negative behaviors.

2. The need for autonomy – This is a tough one for all parents.  Children have a need to make their own decisions, which includes making their own mistakes.  It’s hard to sit back and watch, knowing that your child may fail, but it’s vital that they be allowed to try.  This develops courage, sense of self, and creates a supportive, loving relationship between parent and child.

3. The need to differentiate – Children are naturally curious and have a need to explore different opinions, beliefs, and values.  Being free to be curious and create an identity without shame fosters loving, healthy relationships.  This is a difficult need to balance, especially when teaching right and wrong is one of our duties as a parent.  It is important to examine our own values and if there may be any motives behind wanting a child to be a certain way.  This can allow parents to release expectations and allow children the space they need to grow into healthy, independent individuals.

4. The need for emotional comfort – Children have big emotions and equally big reactions.  It is important to remember that young children are not able to regulate themselves and sometimes need extra support.  Explain to children that ALL feelings are always okay and that they don’t need to hide them or suppress them.  I like to teach children that feelings are like waves, if you don’t fight them - they pass.  If you do fight them, they can pull you under.  Extra hugs, love, and kindness help children to overcome and learn to self-soothe.   If behavior is inappropriate, it’s okay to lovingly disengage until children calm down and then provide love and support and offer suggestions for how to handle feelings differently next time.

5. The need to feel respected and valued -  When children are non-compliant and refusing to follow instructions, it is easy for parents to react with anger.  The number one way that children learn from us is through modeling.  If we model respectful and kind behavior, our children will respond and learn in the same manner.   Remaining calm through challenges is not always easy, so don’t be afraid to take a break and address things later if you need to.  
 
Next time your child is engaging in a behavior remember that they might be communicating a need and being aware of this is the first step towards helping your child to engage in more positive behaviors.
 
If you’d like to speak with someone regarding how to better understand and modify a child’s behavior, you can reach a Thrive Therapist at 858-342-1304.
 
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As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome. Contact us regarding any issues around child, teen psychotherapy and adult San Diego psychologist at Thrive Therapy Studio.  

I recently was reading an article written by a woman who has been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and she was reflecting on the #soOCD trend on Twitter and how reading about how others view their slight compulsions or desire for things to be a certain way as being “#soOCD.” It was a great article and summed up so eloquently something that I see quite often in my office. People often comment that they are depressed when they are actually just sad or having a bad day; say they are anorexic after skipping a meal or bulimic because they ate too much once; say they “are so ADD” because they weren’t focused for a brief moment at work; and the list goes on.
 
Sadly, we all use such dramatic language to describe things in our lives and since one of my main beliefs about being a person is that the language we use MATTERS, this matters too. When we describe our slight hunger as being just starving or our slight nervousness as a panic attack, we are trivializing the experience of people who really are starving or experiencing panic attacks. We are also hyping up our own experience and magnifying our emotions needlessly. We are using very serious words to describe situations that don’t match up in severity. What this leads me to think about then is, what happens when we are actually depressed?  How will we describe that in a way that is genuine, authentic, and matches the experience when we have already used our arsenal of big, serious words? 
 
You might be wondering why this matters to me so much and it has a lot to do with my experience working with people in managing their emotions. With kids, we talk about needing to “name it to tame it.” What this means is that we need to find a word to describe accurately our feeling or experience so we can then understand, process, and move on with learning from the experience. Without being able to do that accurately, I believe that we might be more at risk for difficulties managing our emotions.
 
I would encourage all of us to strive to follow one of the tenets of the Four Agreements and to be “impeccable with our word.” By seeking to describe our experience as accurately as possible, we are going to not only understand our own emotions better but we also will avoid being insensitive and minimizing of others’ experiences.
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

As always, thanks for reading  and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child, teen psychotherapy and adult psychotherapy services at Thrive Therapy Studio. Contact us for San Diego psychologist services.  

At our office, we frequently work with children and teens whose families are going through a divorce. While we do not engage in any sort of custody recommendations and tend to stay out of court at our office, there are many other ways that therapy and services at Thrive could be helpful.
 
1.  Providing your child/teen with a neutral place to talk:
During a divorce, kids go through so many different emotions and experiences that can be really hard for them to talk to their parents about. As close as they might be to their parents, some feelings they are having will lead them to feel as though they are betraying one parent or the other. With a therapist, we can help them talk about and sort through those feelings in a  safe space where they know no one else will hear about. This is actually a big part of the reason why we do not engage in custody recommendations… if parents and kids know that we are going to be sharing our opinions with anyone outside of the child’s sessions, it prevents the kids from sharing openly and feeling safe.
 
2.  Giving your child/teen time to talk things through:
Often, during a divorce or separation, parents can become overwhelmed with their own experience and emotions. While this is totally understandable, at times the kids will feel lost and alone. Coming to therapy and having a therapist that they trust who spends about an hour a week just focusing on them and their experience and listening to what they want to talk about, can be enormously helpful in helping the child or teen process their experience and emotions around the divorce.  
 
3.  Providing the possibility of co-parenting sessions:
At Thrive, we are big believers in involving the whole family in treatment when we believe it will be helpful to the child or teen. In situations of divorce or separation, your child or teen’s therapist can be enormously helpful in supporting parents through the process with co-parenting sessions. Sometimes these sessions will need to be with a separate therapist than your child or teen’s, but co-parenting sessions are always helpful. Research has shown that it is not divorce itself that is harmful to children and teens’ emotionally, but the conflict that at times persists for quite some time after the separation or divorce. Co-parenting sessions can help parents learn how to work together as separate parents to benefit their child/teen and ideally, reduce overall conflict following a separation or divorce.
 
These are just three of the ways that therapy can be helpful when going through a divorce or separation. At Thrive, we know that parents are all doing their best to get through tough situations that arise in their families. We are here to support the whole family and love working with children, teens, and adults particularly during times of crisis like a separation or divorce.
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. 

As always, thanks for reading  and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around finding a therapist for teens and Family Therapy San Diego at Thrive Therapy Studio.  

Thank you so much for continuing to read our blog series on Teens and Motivation!  This is the final segment to our series and if you missed Part 1 and Part 2, check them out here and here! 
 
We can’t discuss how to motivate teens without looking a bit more at what motivation actually is. In our culture, we often think of motivation as something that is a static, ongoing state. People are often described as being motivated, or not. Motivation is often thought of as something quick and easy that you can just become all of a sudden. Unfortunately, motivation is much more complex than all of this would suggest and despite what Oprah and her “aha” moments might tell you, it can be a long process in getting someone ready for change. Additionally, motivation is variable and changes over time.
 
When anyone presents for therapy, particularly parents on behalf of their children or teens, they are wanting changes and they usually want them quickly. A big part of my job is to understand the client and evaluate their readiness for change. A key component of how I do this is through utilizing a psychological theory called The Transtheoretical Model of Change by Prochaska and DiClemente which is often just referred to as Stages of Change for simplicity. This is a model of change that was initially used to understand addiction but is a helpful framework when considering any person who is contemplating a change in their lives.
 
Here is a brief overview of the stages:

1. Pre-contemplation: This can be summed up as the time before a person realizes that they either need or want to make a change. “I don’t need to change.” Sometimes referred to as “denial.”
2. Contemplation: When a person is considering change. The hallmark of this stage is ambivalence, which means that the person is on the fence about change. Perhaps part of them feels change is needed and possible but another part argues against it. “Hmmm… Should I change?”
3. Preparation: Getting ready to change
4. Action: Actually making the changes
5. Maintenance: Living the changes

 
Parents need to know the following about stages of change:

• Stages of Change and motivation are directly connected
• A person has motivation even when they are in the contemplation stage and not making changes
• Motivation essentially means: our desire to change + confidence in doing so > fears, challenges of change, etc. This is usually a product of leaving the contemplation stage and entering preparation.
• They are not linear – people go back and forth between these stages all the time
• Example: Think of times you have tried to go on a diet or implement an exercise routine

 
At Thrive, we specifically focus on stages of change and helping our clients build motivation through a specific way of talking about change called “Motivational Interviewing.” This style of communication is collaborative and goal oriented and elicits and explores a person’s own reasons to change. We create a feeling of acceptance and compassion for our clients, rather than judgment or criticism. Our goal is to elicit “change talk” from our clients, which is when the teen talks about changes they want to make, rather than when I “tell” them what they should change.
 
This style of communication is what my ingredients for motivation try to mimic for parents. In review, we want to connect with our teens, have faith in their ability to problem solve, allow them to make mistakes, give consequences where appropriate, and let them lead!  These are the ingredients that produce a collaborative environment and discussion similar to what we create in our office that can help you support your teen towards making changes and feeling motivated!
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304.
 
For more information about the upcoming Parenting with Intention Workshop at Thrive, please contact Angela Bianco, ASW directly at 858-952-8835 or by email at angelabianco.asw@gmail.com. Angela is supervised by Erica Wollerman, PsyD (PSY25614) and questions regarding teen therapy can also be directed to Erica and the general Thrive team at 858-342-1304!
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 
As always, thanks for reading  and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child, teen counseling and adult psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  

Hopefully many of you were able to check out last weeks’ post, which is the Part 1 of this series on Teens and Motivation. If not, click here to read it! 
 
Today, I am going to focus on the building blocks of motivation that I briefly mentioned last week and that were discussed at length in my talk at Halstrom last Thursday! 
 
Connection: 
Often, when I talk about pulling back as parents, this can be confused with just not being as involved. I would actually encourage parents to be super connected with their teens. Ask them how things are going, make a special weekly date with them (it might need to involve some sort of treat for them to really want to do it at this point), plan separate vacations, but find ways to connect. Whatever they are “into,” try to find some common ground there and spend time talking about it.

The really cool part about the teen years is that parents can stop being so parent-like, most of the time. Chat with your teens, share more with them about your life and who you are, and above all, try not to lecture. At least not on a daily basis J Teens want to be heard and seen by the people who care about them, including you.
 
Have a little faith:
So first we connect and now we try to have faith. Faith that your teen can problem solve, can recover from mistakes, and can ultimately be successful. As parents, we need to project confidence in our teens and let them know we believe in them. Even when you are worried and feel like they are totally screwing up… find ways to let them know that they have it in them to succeed and figure it out. Be supportive but not overbearing when they make a mistake. Try not to jump in and fix it for them but offer help if they would like it. And if they don’t take your offer, let them know that you have full confidence they will figure out a good solution by saying things like, “I know you can do it,” “I know you will be able to figure this out.”
 
Let them make mistakes!
This is a tough one… especially with all of the pressure that parents and teens are feeling these days. Teens talk to me all the time about the pressures of school and of the future. They are feeling as though every single decision they make now will adversely impact them in the future. Unfortunately, parents are often feeling that way too. When parents and I talk about ways they can pull back, save their kids less, and let them make mistakes SO many issues come up for them. But, it’s their junior year and if they get a bad grade, they won’t get into college. But, if they fail now, they will feel bad, like a failure, try less hard later in life. But, I just can’t bear to see them hurting. The list goes on and on.
 
These are serious concerns by very loving, involved parents and while I hear them and understand them, these concerns let me know that parents are approaching their teen differently than I would recommend. These parents are approaching their teens as fragile, as people one step away from something amazing or terrible, and as images of their own success as parents. It is so hard for parents to separate their identity sometimes from their kids or teens successes and failures and often it is their own fear of failure or need to protect their teen from every possible negative outcome that drives this way of thinking. And while that is understandable, it is not helpful. If parents care more about the outcomes than their teens, the teen will not learn the needed lesson of a mistake.
 
For most parents to be okay letting their teen make a mistake, we have to really look at what mistakes or failures are. They are an opportunity to learn and to grow. They are an opportunity to be disappointed in your choices and to choose to make better ones. Not only is it impossible for a person to avoid mistakes or for a parent to protect their child/teen from pain or failure, it is not helpful. I would like to repeat that, it is impossible to avoid mistakes or to protect your child/teen from pain or failure. And, if you try to do so, you prevent your teen from learning valuable lessons. Unfortunately, they need to screw up so that they can learn and grow into responsible adults. We can help them through this by connecting, believing in them, and not making it about us.
 
Consequences are still important:
Even though we are focused on connection and believing in your teen, consequences still need to be given and followed through on by parents when the teen does make mistakes. As we all know, there are no free passes in our world. If you show up late to work too many times, you are most likely going to be fired. So, we need to avoid giving our teens free passes too. If they screw up and break the rules, a consequences needs to be given.
 
The best way to approach consequences is as follows: First, make sure you and your teen are on the same page about expectations. Often this will involve a written list or agreement as this helps prevent “teenage amnesia.” Second, make sure your teen knows the consequences for their actions – it’s a great practice to include it on the list. Third, when they mess up, discuss it gently with them. If you are instantly angry about it, try to take some time to calm down so that you can approach them from a more neutral place. This way, you can try to get more information about what happened. When parents yell, kids and teens all shut down and stop talking because they think it is the best way to avoid getting in more trouble. So, being calm and talking with them about it will get you much more information. Fourth, while talking with them about the situation, whatever the mistake is, try to brainstorm ways to avoid such a problem in the future. If it is a low grade, perhaps you can offer support in terms of tutoring or going over homework or test information together. Fifth, discuss the consequence and you can even see what your teen would think is an appropriate consequence. Often, when teens feel that they are in control, understand the situation, and do not feel shamed or blamed, they can be really reasonable and understand that consequences are needed.
 
Quick Tip: Try not to lecture too much at this point. Teens learn best through actions, not long parent led lectures. This is hard, because so often you are likely to be trying to give them wisdom, support, and advice but if it comes off as a lecture, they will stop listening.
 
Listen and let them lead: 
This is the last ingredient but one of the most important. Please listen to your teen. That’s it… just try to hear what they are saying. Try to see the people they really are, not the people you had hoped or wished they would be. All of the teens I work with are amazing in their own ways and universally, they just want to be heard and appreciated.
 
They also want autonomy over their choices. They want to choose the schools they apply to and decide who they are going to date and hang out with. It is so important that they have this autonomy as this is a building block of what will help in their motivation. If they make choices that do not work out, they then are more likely to own that choice rather than blame it on their parents. If you are trying to force a teen to do something, they will not own that choice or outcome. 
 
That’s it for now!  Thank you so much for reading and please stay tuned for our blog next week where we talk more specifically about how these parenting strategies support and tie into building Teen Motivation!
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child or teen attending teen psychotherapy services with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 
As always, thanks for reading  and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.