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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
We all know that the holidays can be extremely stressful, overwhelming, and busy for parents. We sometimes forget that it is also a busy, overstimulating, and, at times, difficult period for kids.
I know, most of us feel it would be AMAZING to go back and be kids on holidays again. Wouldn’t having someone else do all the prep, cooking, cleaning, buying, planning, etc., for us be fantastic? It honestly would, but this does not necessarily mean it is a super easy time of year for all children. Suppose we, as parents, are too absorbed in our own experience. In that case, it can be really easy to project our feelings of frustration and being the ones to “take care of all the things” onto our kids. Sometimes, we perceive our kids, particularly those who struggle with emotional regulation (aka meltdown city during the holidays), as “entitled, ungrateful, selfish, etc.” To help families manage their emotions during the holidays, I wanted to share some tips to help shift our mindsets in more helpful directions. 1. Manage Your Expectations We can easily set up the most magical holiday ever and expect our children to be similarly magical and kind. This expectation is unfair, and if you have a child who tends to struggle on big occasions that involve a lot of anticipation, it makes sense that they may be contentious during the holiday season. We should expect it to be challenging at times so that we are not surprised and interpret their behavior negatively. Remember that your child is most likely overwhelmed and genuinely doing their best to meet their needs and to figure out how to cope with something that feels bigger than their coping skills. While it is hard to be the parent of a child who struggles with big feelings, it can also be tough to be the child who is struggling. Having empathy for their experience and remembering that they are a good kid who is having a hard time will help you respond with more patience and kindness. 2. Listen to Your Child Listening might sound strange, but if your child is telling you that the plans you have made are too much or that they are too tired, overwhelmed, or excited, try to listen. I know it can be hard to shift plans once they are made, especially during the hustle and bustle of the holidays, but if your child is genuinely struggling with their emotions and behavior, it makes sense to scale things back. Also, if they are communicating that they feel overwhelmed, don’t want to hug people, or don’t want to be asked certain questions, see if you can set things up so that those situations do not occur. You can set boundaries around how much time you engage in certain events, which events you attend, and even with your family members about how they treat your child. It will go better if, as you and your child approach situations, you try to work together to figure things out to have the best time possible. You can even discuss ahead of time how to cope with difficult situations, especially if your child is older and aware that these situations are challenging for them. 3. Connection and Boundaries I know these are my favorite topics lately, especially since I developed my mini-parenting courses all about these topics… But they are good ones that totally apply here. As mentioned above, connecting and listening to your child can be incredibly helpful during busy holidays. Making sure that you take the time to listen, play, and connect with them in the ways you usually do during typical days can help maintain your connection even when things become challenging or overwhelming. Similarly, setting boundaries around things that lead to increased emotional dysregulation can be helpful. For example, our son tends to struggle if he gets too much screen time, sugar, or food containing artificial dyes. As a result, we tend to limit electronics and less healthy food choices, especially during big events like birthdays or other events, which can lead him to be even more dysregulated. While it is not the most “fun” parenting opinion, I believe that setting him up for success is more important than letting him indulge and get super out of control! I hope these parenting tips can help you manage situations that arise at this time of year! If you would like to discuss any of these topics further, feel free to reach out to our team for a parent consultation :) If you want to learn more about Connecting and Setting Boundaries with your child, check out our mini-parenting courses!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman has launched mini parenting courses! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Since I talk often in my work about children and their big emotions, I wanted to share some tips and ideas to help you keep your cool while your child is losing theirs!
Before we dive into the how-to's of staying calm, it's essential to recognize that your child's emotional turmoil can stir up a whirlwind of emotions within you. It's normal to feel a range of things, from empathy and concern to frustration and helplessness. Understanding these feelings and their sources is the first step toward managing them effectively. The Importance of Staying Calm Staying calm in the face of your child's upset is crucial for several reasons: 1. Role Modeling: Your child learns how to handle emotions by watching you. Staying calm teaches them that emotions are manageable and can be expressed in a healthy way. 2. Effective Communication: A calm demeanor fosters open and constructive communication. It allows your child to express themselves without fear of judgment. 3. Problem Solving: Being calm enables you to think more clearly and find solutions to the issues at hand. Tips for Staying Calm 1. Breathe: When you feel your frustration or anxiety building, take a moment to breathe deeply. Inhale for a count of four, hold for four, and exhale for four. This simple exercise can help you regain your composure. 2. Pause and Reflect: Before reacting to your child's upset, take a brief pause. Ask yourself what's triggering your emotions. This self-awareness can help you respond more thoughtfully. 3. Empathize: Put yourself in your child's shoes. Try to understand what they're feeling and why. Empathy can help you respond with compassion. 4. Stay Mindful: Mindfulness techniques can be incredibly helpful in staying calm. Techniques like meditation and grounding exercises can keep you in the present moment and reduce stress. 5. Set Boundaries: It's okay to set boundaries with your child, even when they're upset. Calmly let them know what behavior is acceptable and what isn't. 6. Seek Support: Don't hesitate to reach out to other parents, friends, or a therapist when you're feeling overwhelmed. Talking to someone who understands can provide you with valuable guidance and emotional support. 7. Fill your cup: Don't forget to take care of yourself. A well-rested, emotionally balanced parent is better equipped to handle their child's emotional ups and downs. 8. Learn from Mistakes: Nobody's perfect. If you lose your cool occasionally, it's okay. Use those moments as learning opportunities for yourself and your child by discussing how you can handle things differently next time. Staying calm when your child is upset is a challenging but essential aspect of parenting. It sets the stage for your child to learn emotional regulation and healthy communication. Remember that it's normal to feel a whirlwind of emotions yourself, but by practicing deep breathing, empathy, mindfulness, and self-care, you can be a steady anchor for your child during their emotional storms. Stay calm, and you'll not only navigate these challenging moments more gracefully but also strengthen the bond with your child, showing them that they can always count on your support and understanding.
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child or setting boundaries please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman has launched mini parenting coursesl! You do not want to miss them!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Isn’t parenting fun? One minute everyone is having a great time, and the next, your child could be having an epic meltdown. These moments can be challenging for both you and your child, but understanding and practicing "co-regulation" can make these moments a bit smoother. In this blog, we'll break down what co-regulation is and how it can be a game-changer when your child is going through a meltdown.
What's Co-regulation? Co-regulation is a fancy term for the give-and-take of emotions and behavior between you and your child. It means you, as the parent or caregiver, play a crucial role in helping your kid handle their emotions, especially during tough times like meltdowns. Co-regulation is all about being empathetic, supportive, and creating a nurturing environment to help your child learn how to deal with their feelings. Cracking the Meltdown Code Before we jump into the co-regulation stuff, let's get a grip on what meltdowns are and what sets them off. Meltdowns aren't the same as tantrums; they're more like emotional eruptions your child can't control. They happen when your kiddo feels overwhelmed by their emotions. Typical triggers include tiredness, hunger, sensory overload, frustration, and changes in their routine. Recognizing these triggers can help you step in before things go haywire. The Co-regulation Guide 1. Keep Your Cool: Your emotional state sets the tone for co-regulation. So, when your child is having a meltdown, try to stay calm. Your composure will create a safe space and show them how to regulate their emotions. 2. Show Some Love: Start by recognizing your child's feelings. Say something like, "I see you're really upset right now," or "I get that this is hard for you." Let them know that their feelings are valid and that you're there to support them. Some kids will become more upset upon hearing these words, and that’s okay. Offer some comfort and then simply stay near them in a quiet and calm way, offering support. 3. Comfort with Touch: A reassuring hug or holding their hand can provide a sense of security during a meltdown. Sometimes, physical contact can be super comforting. Also, if your child pushes you away, it is helpful to stay in the vicinity, but not too close. 4. Respect Personal Space: While some kids need cuddles during meltdowns, others may need a bit of space. Respect their preference, but make sure they know you're nearby if they need you. 5. Chill with Calming Techniques: Breathing exercises, mindfulness tricks, or counting together can help your child regain control over their emotions. Guide them through these techniques to help them calm down. My personal favorite is having kids try to blow my hand away. I hold my hand near their mouth and tell them to try and blow my hand down. Then, I act super animated and impressed when they take a deep breath, blow out, and boom, my hand is down! 6. Patience Is Key: Meltdowns take their sweet time. Be patient and be prepared to stick with your child until they've calmed down. Rushing the process can make things worse, so take your time. Note: If your child, like my son, does not respond well to “co-regulation,” that’s okay! Just try to stay close, but not too close, and say something comforting and kind. Keep your composure and be patient with them. Then, offer a hug once they are calm. Co-regulation is not for every child, and that’s okay :) Why Co-regulation Rocks Co-regulation isn't just about helping your child manage emotions; it's also about building a stronger bond with your kiddo. By being there for them during meltdowns, you're teaching them that it's okay to have intense feelings and that they can lean on you for comfort and understanding. This trust and connection will have a lasting, positive impact on their emotional growth. Meltdowns can be rough, but with the power of co-regulation, you can make them a bit more manageable. Remember, co-regulation is all about staying calm, being empathetic, offering comfort, and using calming techniques. By embracing this approach, you'll not only help your child handle their emotions but also build a solid, trusting parent-child relationship filled with love and support. So, take a deep breath, and remember that you've got this!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child or setting boundaries please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman has launched mini parenting coursesl! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
3 Part Blog Series About Over-Functioning Parents
Part #2 So you are an over-functioning parent. What now? Welcome back to our three-part blog series about over-functioning parents. Last week, we discussed what over-functioning is and how it impacts children. This week, we will discuss what to do if you want to change this dynamic in your family. The first step is to have a conversation with your child about what you have realized. Depending on the age of your child, you could talk to them about this situation in a variety of ways, but usually, it will sound something like this: “I love you so much. Unfortunately, because I worry about the future, I have been doing way too much for you. And this might make you feel like you are not able to do things on your own, which is not at all the case. I believe in you and your ability to manage things more independently. Moving forward, I am going to stop doing so much for you so that you can learn how to do it on your own. I am still here, and I love you. I believe you can do everything I ask of you.” You can add examples or specific areas you are going to work on reducing your involvement in or even other phrases such as, “I know you can cope with things on your own without texting me from school” or “I know you will figure out a way to wake yourself up in the morning.” The most important thing is to communicate to your child that you have been making a mistake, and that has led to their feelings of incapability. And that you believe you were wrong because they are much more capable than you taught them to believe! For this to be a truly corrective experience and productive conversation, you need to be prepared to take full responsibility for this dynamic. Keep in mind that your child already feels like they are doing everything wrong and are not capable. So your job now is to acknowledge that you are the reason they feel this way and that you will work to help shift this pattern because it is your responsibility to do so and not theirs. This acknowledgment is the first step to changing this dynamic and helping them build feelings of capability. The next part is the hardest, as you have to actually pull back your support. Here are some examples of what this might look like:
I could go on, but mostly the idea is to observe how you solve problems for your child and stop doing it. I know it sounds basic and also quite risky, especially if your child is older, but kids who have yet to learn to solve their own problems just do not do as well in college and later in life. As parents, we need to raise our kids to know their abilities and when to ask for help. Stepping in before they even ask for help or know they need it is not teaching them any of this. It teaches them to be passive and wait for a rescue rather than be proactive problem solvers. Be prepared that your child will likely not seamlessly transition to independence once you pull back your support. They might kick, scream, pout, ask why you don’t love them anymore, ask why you don’t want to help them, or even just fail at whatever it is you were helping them with in the past. This reaction is okay. I know that sounds really callous, but it genuinely is okay. Your child needs to experience challenges to figure out how to overcome them, which is part of their path towards independence. All of this will likely make you feel very uncomfortable, even anxious. I can tell you that this is perfectly normal and almost expected. Every time I have had this conversation with parents in my office, they look at me like I have lost my mind. “Erica, you expect me just to sleep and know my 16-year-old hasn’t done their homework?” And to that, I answer ABSOLUTELY. I expect you to do just that so that you are not more invested in the outcomes of their education than they are. You see, not only does our emotional investment and over-involvement lead to kids who feel incapable or even anxious, but it can also lead them not to care as much as we do. Simply, in the kids’ eyes, it becomes less of a “me thing” and more of a “you thing.” This point of view, unfortunately, leads some kids to become less motivated or interested in their activities or school. Any of these outcomes - anxious and stressed out kids who feel incapable or kids who appear completely uninterested in goals/school/future types of things which also feel incapable - are not helpful in our goal of raising independent people! For the final part of our blog series next week, I will share ideas about how to cope with the challenging emotions this process might bring up for you. You don’t want to miss it!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You will want to be a part of this!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
In preparation for the Fourth of July next week, I was thinking about the biggest challenges some families face on this day. While we have talked a lot in past blogs about how to support kids who are emotionally dysregulated on big holidays, we have not discussed the impact of these events on our more anxious children.
Children who are more anxious can be naturally more impacted by holidays and big events, particularly days like the Fourth of July that often involve loud, at times unpredictable, fireworks. While it makes sense that this would be difficult for them, parents often forget that even fun events can feel really scary depending on your child’s personality, temperament, and possible anxious symptoms. If your child has had a tough time in past holidays, these suggestions will help you manage the situation differently for this Fourth of July!
I hope this is helpful in preparing you for the festivities of the weekend and week to come! As always, if you need more support or have any questions about the topics shared in my blogs, please feel free to reach out to our team at Thrive for help! You can also sign up for our newsletter to stay updated on upcoming events and opportunities at Thrive!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
In our world of quick problem-solving (thanks Google), it can be easy for parents to forget that the main goal of parenting is to raise their children to be independent. Particularly with the rise of attachment parenting and gentle parenting ideas and their focus on being child-led, it can sometimes be difficult for parents to place their own agenda on their child.
As a child therapist at heart, I can’t tell you how important it is to have some goals in mind as parents. Not necessarily goals such as “My kid will go to x elite school,” or “My child will get a scholarship for x sport,” but something like, “Our family values kindness and working hard to solve problems.” Goals, or family values, are important to me because they can help us focus our energy and decision-making as parents when more difficult situations arise in our families. When I meet with parents, we often discuss the values they are trying to instill into their child’s lives and use these values to help guide parenting choices. These conversations are usually about prioritizing something that is more long-term in development over short-term parenting solutions. A prime example is facilitating your child to solve their problems. As a parent, it can be very tempting to dive in and support or even solve your kid’s problems, particularly if your child experiences problems as very frustrating and meltdown worthy, as many of them do, especially while they are young. It is very understandable for parents to get in the habit of doing too much for their kids and to keep doing it out of habit until they are far past the age of needing parents to reduce their involvement. From a young age, I think it is important to work on scaffolding our child. Scaffolding means giving them just enough support to make problems solvable rather than making them easy to solve. I believe that most kids need to experience the struggle of working hard at something (math, legos, friendship challenges, sports, etc.) before accomplishing it so that they gain confidence, frustration tolerance, and feelings of competence from experience. If parents solve the problem or support them too much, kids never feel capable and develop less emotional resilience. In fact, they often, unfortunately, feel that their parents are helping as they couldn't have done it on their own and can’t tolerate feeling frustrated or challenged. Kids who do not feel competent often become young adults who struggle to engage in “adulting” and other independent tasks that are part of growing up. They can even become adults who struggle to live independently or push themselves to take risks and move forward in life. Emotionally, they can become anxious or avoidant of any unpleasant emotion, leading them to choose less healthy coping skills. Here are some guidelines that could help you find a path to giving your child more independence at any age. Keep in mind that these are just ideas. Feel free to come up with your own as long as they are age-appropriate expectations! Additionally, when you are delegating or showing them how to do these tasks, be sure to communicate that you have faith in their ability to do what you are asking. If they protest doing it themselves, try not to get too flustered and calmly let them know they can do it. Preschool:
Elementary:
Middle School:
High School:
This list of goals is certainly not an exhaustive list; just a few ideas to help get you started! If your child is older, simply review the list and gradually add tasks. Often, kids whose parents have been more involved will resist doing things on their own either because they are unsure if they can do it or because they enjoy having someone do things for them. While this is understandable, it is really important to let them know you realize that they are more capable than you were giving them credit for and that you believe they can do everything you ask of them. You can validate their frustration or fear and express that you have faith in them. You can coach them through tasks initially but do your best to avoid taking anything back on after you have handed it off to them. Remember, our goal is to build their feelings of competence and capability! Check out our last blog in this parenting series: Parenting Tip #7: There is not one right way to parent. Also, join our newsletter today for more information about future parenting courses that Erica is developing! You don’t want to miss this!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanSo often, as a parent, I will notice myself making assumptions about my son's behavior. For example, he likes to sneak little toys or Pokemon cards to school, which his kindergarten teacher is not a big fan of (big surprise!). At times, it is easy to slip into a relatively negative and presumptuous thinking pattern like, “He just doesn’t care if he gets into trouble.” Or “He is never going to follow the rules.” And even further like, “What will happen to him if he can’t respect authority!” While this thought process is perfectly understandable, it is pretty unfair when it comes to our children and their motivations for doing things. I find it similar to when parents say something like, “They just want to scream,” or “They are just lazy.” What I tell them, and myself, when this pattern presents itself in my thinking, is this: All people are trying their best. Kids want to be “good,” and if they are showing different behavior, there is a reason. I recognize how hard it is to think this way. Most of us were conditioned in our childhoods to assume that if someone isn't doing whatever it is you think they should be doing, they are doing so intentionally. However, while people may have intentions to do certain things, often the true reasons for our behavior are unconscious. Without that level of self-awareness, we are all just sort of blundering around, acting in ways that have roots in patterns we are not even aware of. My focus as a therapist is to bring those reasons to consciousness so a person can truly make choices and be more intentional about their lives and parenting. Because I am aware of this pattern, I generally approach people differently. I approach them with curiosity and assume positive intentions. I also try to focus on this as a therapist and parent consultant, I also try to focus on this in my own life with myself and others through self-compassion (check out last week’s post here for more details about this!). And guess what? This is also a particularly helpful reminder that I try to incorporate into my parenting mindset daily. Remembering to approach people with curiosity and positive intent helps me to remember that my son wants things to go well. He wants his life to work out, just like I do. When I shift my role from less of a director, needing to dictate every area of his life, to a curious participant and guide (when allowed), it helps me remember that we are on the same team, his team. I can ask curious questions, assume that he is trying his best, and check in with him by asking questions that are using these principles such as:
Often, when we can have a dialogue like this, my goal is to lead him towards more prosocial, compassionate outcomes for him and others. However, I am trying hard not to lecture or put those values on him directly but helping him come to those conclusions himself. It is very similar to how I approach my clients in therapy. To be clear, though, if my son’s behavior crosses a line, I am, of course, stepping in with limits and sometimes consequences. So while this approach may seem “soft” to some who expect all consequences and a little conversation, it is more effective because it helps children come to their own conclusions about their actions and what they want. It helps bring their feelings to consciousness and, hopefully, avoids years of patterns that can be particularly unhelpful. Here is a real-world example of how this plays out for my family with the Pokemon card example again. When this comes up, as it so often does, instead of going into the more unhelpful narratives about my son’s choices that I described earlier in this post, I work to remember that there is a reason for his choices. I first connect with him and ask curious questions. Such as, “What do you like about bringing them to school?” and “What makes it hard to stop bringing them?” or “Are you worried about getting into trouble or the teacher’s reactions?” I hope these questions will help him reflect on his choices and develop more of an internal guideline for how he wants to handle it moving forward. Since my son is five, though, I will keep my expectations in check because what I get from him is often a discussion about how he really should be able to bring them to school. He is particularly strong-willed, as I have mentioned a few times before! So I remind myself that I am planting seeds that will hopefully grow in the future. And then I give my son the limit that since his teacher has asked for kids to stop bringing the cards to school, if he sneaks them and we find out, he will no longer be able to play with them at home. I also offer that when we have play dates with other friends, he is welcome to trade with them (as a big part of what we have learned from asking curious questions is that trading is a very social activity for the kindergarten boys at our school.) So, while he is unhappy about the outcome, my goal is to help him feel connected, understood, and cared for while also having the opportunity to reflect on his choices. I accomplish this by connecting with curiosity and asking questions rather than making assumptions. Since he is developmentally unable to make the prosocial choice, we set limits to help him with that and guide him in the direction that benefits his community and him in the end. Remember that in parenting, just like in the rest of life, it is rarely a simple approach that works best (kindness or consequences) but a blend of the two. This parenting tip is all about how we approach our thinking and, hopefully, our conversations in situations that require kindness and often consequences. Keep reading next week for Tip #6 - Allow your child to solve their problems! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanI still remember when my son was first born, and every stage felt like it lasted a lifetime. I agonized over every developmental milestone and decision I needed to make as his mom. The amount of money I must have spent on sleep swaddles in the early days when he was a pretty fussy sleeper is likely baffling (I’ve never tried to run these numbers, though!). Even with my years of experience working with parents and children, it took me a long while to adjust to the ever-changing demands of parenting. You see, in the beginning, I think I forgot something that I had known from my work with other people’s children and even with my adult clients. That every phase ends and everything is temporary. Being a therapist has given me a huge gift of perspective that I am not sure I would have otherwise. You see, I have watched kids (and adults) go through super hard phases and also been able to witness them coming out, often better in some way, on the other side. While I had hoped to hold onto those parts of myself as I entered my journey of motherhood, I lost my way for a while. I completely lost perspective at times and felt so anxious about everything that happened. As a therapist, a huge asset is that I can often help clients make sense of their lives by weaving their past into their present. The challenging part of this is that then, I can also be really good at forecasting problems that will arrive for my son in the future due to challenges in the present. What I often forget is what I tell parents, which is that when it comes to predicting the future or how our choices will truly impact our child later, “We don’t know.” So often, we just don’t know if any one decision (other than obviously terrible decisions) had a huge impact on a child’s trajectory in their life. We don’t have a control group to compare to, and it is not entirely fair to assume we know the outcome that would have happened if things had gone differently. As those in research often say, correlation does not equal causation. So, just because one path has some evidence that it can lead to certain unpleasant outcomes, it does not mean that this is exactly what will happen. I forgot this lesson for a long period of time and still have to work to keep this part of my brain focused at work, where it is actually helpful in making sense of our lives. Not in forecasting my son’s possible problems and future challenges! The good news is that, looking back over the past few years, I realize now that I am much more rooted in the temporary nature of our challenges and experiences that come up. We have certainly had some really tough moments, he is a very strong-willed kiddo, and it really has helped to remember that everything is temporary. For me, when I think about the temporary nature of our challenges, it helps me remember that things usually do get better. The tears, fears, and difficulties that come as a part of a child’s development do not last. I believe that this mindset also helps me hold tighter to the parts of those stages that are so sweet and enjoyable. Because I remember that they will not be like this forever, I can hold onto the snuggles that happen when Luca is sick, and my world is upended to revolve around him. I can kick off my shoes and play Legos with him on the floor for hours knowing that this is time limited. I can further embrace the joy of raising him, even on the hard days because I know that he will not always be mine. Even now, I know that he is not mine, he is his and his alone, and our time together is borrowed. So, holding the impermanence of our life together helps me remember how special it is and how much I want to experience it. Not scroll through my phone, avoid playing the boring games, or only focus on the hard parts. I want to have gratitude for my little guy and how much joy being his mom brings me. Remembering that it is temporary helps me do just that. It helps me bring in the therapist side of me that thinks, “Maybe, maybe not,” and embrace life's uncertainty, even for my child. Read on next week for Parenting Tip #4: Practice Self Compassion At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanWhile this one may seem obvious, I can’t tell you how often parents have come into my office to share that they would like their child to be different in some way. Less bossy, less active, more active, more studious, more social, less shy, more optimistic, and the list could go on and on and on! This uneasiness is especially true for families where the child’s mental health is a concern or if they are struggling at school or socially. While this is truly understandable, especially as most parents believe they can mold their child in an image they create (more on this later), it is not entirely helpful for children’s development. You see, when parents want to change their child and their personality, the child inherently will get a message that they are somehow “not right.” While parents can do their best to approach their kids from an angle that their “behavior” is the problem and what needs to be corrected, unfortunately, kids often still hear that it is them, who they are, that is a problem. While I wholeheartedly support the idea of separating behavior from a person, that is a complicated concept for many kids. As a child and teen therapist, I hear this from my young clients that while they seem to understand what their parents are trying to do, it still feels like they are failing. Not in their choices or behavior but in who they are as a person. This feeling of something being inherently wrong with you is what I believe often leads to shame, depression, and anxiety. It can also lead to more significant issues such as self-injury, suicidality, and substance use. Regardless of the specific outcome, it definitely creates way more problems than the original behavior or personality trait might have created. While this is never a parent’s intention, focusing on shifting your perception of your child and their traits or behavior. All of our personality traits have pros and cons. As a parent, it can really help to focus on the positive side of the traits or challenges your child is experiencing. Here are some examples of how to do this:
While it is certainly challenging to parent children who may remind us of a difficult family member or whose personalities are difficult for us to understand, it is significantly easier if you consider the gifts of their personalities or traits. It just takes time and practice to consider these things and then remember them in the moment. Try taking time each day to reflect on the challenges you are having with your child and consider the “flip side.” In this discussion, I feel the need to bring up the idea of “shaping” our children into who we want them to be. The absolute most important thing we can do as a parent is to foster our kids' development into who they want to become and to encourage their interests. Not for us or because of us, but led by them. Even kids who seem more malleable in childhood will struggle in adulthood if they are not allowed to develop a sense of who they are and where they want to go in life. This phase of development is an inherent part of kids becoming independent adults who have passions and interests to pursue. Especially in this modern parenting age, when the pressure put on kids to perform and achieve is so high, it is crucial that they have an internal compass to help them find their own path. This navigational tool will help ensure they are not just “checking the boxes” that are being asked of them, but making choices they want and enjoy. For example, if it is important to you that your child play a sport, great! But try to expose them to a few and let them choose rather than pushing them to play a sport you like(d). Remember, we can always, and need to, set boundaries with our kids, but we need to allow them the freedom to choose their path within our limits. We also need to remember that, ultimately, who they become is not up to us but to them. This applies to all things - their personality, interests, careers, relationships, sexuality, gender identity, etc. You have the privilege of watching them bloom into who they are meant to be. Try to embrace the unknown of this and your child’s unique gifts! Read on next week for Parenting Tip #2 - All about Quality Time! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By Dr. Erica WollermanRecently, I re-shared a post on social media about how this generation is being raised without limits and that this is well, leading them to be quite entitled and also not prepared for adulthood. Check out this article here. I re-shared it because I generally do agree with the information shared. However, I did find myself reflecting back on the article quite a bit and wanted to add just a bit of nuance and gray area. Without careful interpretation, the article could seem like it was saying we should parent as we have in the past, and this is where I disagree. You see, I find myself thinking about the pendulum swinging in parenting often. Not necessarily within one person or family, but within our culture. It seems that we went from one extreme, “children should be seen and not heard,” to another, “all things my child thinks and wants and says are valid,” “I will give my children anything and every opportunity,” or “I just want them to be happy.” Honestly, as a child psychologist and parenting “expert” (tell that to my 5-year-old!) I think we need to work on finding some middle ground here. Though I agree that we are not setting enough boundaries with children currently, I do not want us to revert to setting harsh boundaries without a sense of love and connection. The goal is boundaries that are set with love and rooted in the connection between parent and child.
Often, it seems that we find ourselves overcompensating for what we lacked in our childhoods, and while this is absolutely understandable, it is generally not that helpful because we end up overdoing it a bit. In my eyes, this is a big part of what is happening in our society today. We have a generation of parents who love their kids so much, and they want to do anything for them. They also likely felt unsupported, unseen, invalidated, and like there were too many limits on them as children. Combine this and you get the current situation of parents who are uncomfortable with setting limits and end up only giving praise and love. They seek happiness above all else. What on earth is wrong with happiness? Well, nothing is wrong with happiness as a byproduct of hard work, feelings of connection, friendship, athleticism, and capability. There is something wrong with happiness for the sake of happiness because it is generally an empty feeling. To me, the best goal is to have capable, resourceful, and resilient children. And honestly, if they are those things, they will most likely also be happy. So, what does it look like to set boundaries with love?
The goal is to set firm limits with a firm voice, while also remaining connected with your child. Even if this makes them more upset (this is exactly what happens with my son, when I try to validate his feelings, he wants nothing to do with it!), stay calm and present and let them know you are there while also making sure to set limits about how they are treating you. When the boundary is set and the child is then calm again, make sure to give them a hug or some kind of signal that you are still there, loving them for who they are no matter what. This is the part that I think is more helpful than previous parenting strategies. We can give unconditional love and respect while also setting limits. As a former colleague of mine liked to say, clear communication is kindness. Boundaries are clear communication and a simple form of love from parent to child when combined with unconditional love for who they are. I also believe this is the best way we can prepare them for their lives, as this parenting philosophy also leads to kids with increased feelings of capability. For other blogs I have written on the happiness trap of parenting and building resilience and capability in kids - check out this list! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. |
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