Thrive Therapy Blog

The Gift of Play

7/6/2023

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Parents of young children are probably so familiar with the advice that they should play with their kids. We call it quality time, special time, playtime, etc. Often it probably just feels like one more thing we need to do in addition to all the other demands on modern parents, which is genuinely hard to feel motivated about.

I get it! Just the other day, I was inside cleaning up while my partner and son were outside playing with their new water toys having a pretty epic water fight. In fact, my decision to join their fun (because, well, why not?) led to this very blog post. You see, while I really didn’t “feel like it,” I did go and join my family. And honestly, I got drenched but had the best time laughing and just playing with them. It reminded me of how much I love playing with my son and laughing together as a family. In this age of being so busy and over-scheduled all the time, I believe these are the moments we need and help fuel us for the tougher ones we all have.

Interestingly, I find that even parents who enjoyed playing with their kids when they were younger forget that this is an activity that can truly endure the test of time. Just because you have a pre-teen or a teen, or even a college kid, does not mean they are too old to play. More so, just because you are an adult does not mean you are too old to play - or even too old to benefit from it!

You see, while many of us understand that play is the language of learning for young children, we forget that creativity and play are essential to people in general. Play is a great outlet, coping strategy, and genuine food for anyone’s soul. I find that adults are often so serious about everything, and we get so caught up in our seriousness that we forget the joy and in-the-moment energy that comes from play.

As summer gets going, I would encourage you to take advantage of the summer weather and potential extra free time (I know, I know, it is not always a given, but often we have a little more flexibility in summer) and spend some time PLAYING with your kids.

Here are FIVE ideas that might help you get started - even if your kid is a teen or young adult!

Water Play - Water is one of the most versatile things to play with. You could play in a pool, with a sprinkler, with a hose, or even just simple water shooters and have the best time. Kids of any age will love this!
Beach Games - If you are lucky enough to live near a beach, as we do here in San Diego, pick up some extra beach games or toys the next time you go to the beach. Kids of all ages love this as well, and it is fairly easy once you get over being serious or not getting wet, embarrassed, or sandy.
Park (or Playground) - Another one that can be great for all ages; grab a ball of some sort, or even a new game set like Bocce Ball, and head to the park! If you have a younger kid, head to the playground and don’t be afraid to play with them too. Kids love it when you join them, especially when they are old enough to do it all themself!
Structured Games - This could be a board game, card game, or even a game your child or teen makes up. Head to your local store and see what kinds of new games they have to try and try one out! If you are not the most playful of people, this could help you get started in connecting with your family in this way!
New Activity Together - When I added this one, I thought about trying something together as a family. It could be something like rock climbing, hiking, or roller skating, but it could also just be something silly and fun at home like playing The Floor Is Lava or having a dance party. The goal is to do something playful and a bit silly. Honestly, if you are willing to laugh and be goofy, anything can be play!

I truly hope you take the time to try this out with your kids, or heck, even alone or with a friend or partner today! We all could use more joy and moments where we just laugh for no reason at all. Play can help get us there :) Take it from me; a play therapist turned water-play-loving parent!

If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You don’t want to miss it!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

#7 Finding A Balance

6/1/2023

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

It might seem strange that a parenting consultant writing blogs filled with parenting tips and ideas would say that there is not one right way to parent. Of course it seems strange! We are parenting during a time when parents often find a specific parenting approach to use, perhaps it’s gentle parenting or respectful parenting, or attachment parenting. We also spend a lot of time reading about these ideas and philosophies.

While a part of me LOVES the amount of effort and energy that goes into parenting, particularly as a child therapist, I am also pretty concerned about that very thing. The amount of time, energy, and resources that are being put into parenting our children are truly exhausting and only burning parents out more. We need to find a way to keep things a bit simpler so that parents can actually use the information they are reading about!

I will never forget how I felt when my son was a baby and, despite being a “parenting expert,” just how overwhelming it was to receive the amount of information I was flooded with daily. How to help him sleep better, which way is the best way to help him sleep, where does he sleep, how much he should be eating, how he should be fed, what kind of playtime is best, how much stimulation he needs or doesn’t need, should I hold him when he cries or not, etc., etc., etc. The list could go ON FOR DAYS! And that is just the infant stage!

So often, parents are spending sooo much time reading, researching, or feeling that they should be reading and researching more. They often also have very specific ideas of how they think parenting should go and how their child should respond. There are whole books about how to help your child develop the ever-elusive “grit.” And while I certainly value grit and resilience, unfortunately, not every child will respond the same way to the strategies in the books. Or even in my blogs!

The tricky thing is that once we find a parenting style that we love and feel fits us, we might believe it is the right thing for everyone else too. Or that our child should respond well to the strategy that feels right to us.

Interestingly, this often does not work out so well because instead of re-evaluating a strategy when it does not seem to work well for our child, some parents will just do more of the things they think should help. And this does not just apply to the gentler parenting approaches but the harsh ones too. Parents who use physical discipline (which I do not advocate for any child or family) will often just use more physical discipline even when it is not effective. Parents who are using gentle approaches, might just be more gentle when their child is not respecting their limits.

I recommend a simple solution to a complicated issue. Parents need to be flexible in how they react to their children. We need to observe our child’s personalities more to try and figure out what they respond best to and how they interpret what parents are communicating.

I have met plenty of families where the parents are being so gentle but the kids really need a more firm approach. I’ve also met families whose parents are too firm, and their kids could use more play and humor in their approach. It is all about gauging what your kids need and what feels right to you. In that, it is very family, parent, and child-specific and not one size fits all.

The most important thing in my eyes is for parents to find a balance of communicating unconditional love to their kids as well as firm limits and boundaries. Depending on personalities and specific situations, this will look different in each family, but these are the main ingredients to use, regardless of specific parenting philosophy.

If we keep parenting more simple in the foundation of what we try to accomplish, we can help more parents feel grounded, confident, and capable in their parenting. This helps them show up as a more sturdy leader that their kids are looking for, rather than someone unsure of what they are doing. While reflecting on your parenting, start by asking yourself these questions: Are my kids feeling loved? Am I setting enough boundaries? We can always fine-tune from there!

As this blog series wraps up, thank you all for reading! If you missed any of the topics please check out the below links:

If you need further support for your family and parenting, please feel free to reach out to us at Thrive!

Check out all of our blogs in this parenting series. Also, join our newsletter today for more information about future parenting courses that Erica is developing! You don’t want to miss this!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

#5: Approach with Curiosity & Positive Intent

5/18/2023

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

So often, as a parent, I will notice myself making assumptions about my son's behavior. For example, he likes to sneak little toys or Pokemon cards to school, which his kindergarten teacher is not a big fan of (big surprise!). At times, it is easy to slip into a relatively negative and presumptuous thinking pattern like, “He just doesn’t care if he gets into trouble.” Or “He is never going to follow the rules.” And even further like, “What will happen to him if he can’t respect authority!”

While this thought process is perfectly understandable, it is pretty unfair when it comes to our children and their motivations for doing things. I find it similar to when parents say something like, “They just want to scream,” or “They are just lazy.”

What I tell them, and myself, when this pattern presents itself in my thinking, is this: All people are trying their best. Kids want to be “good,” and if they are showing different behavior, there is a reason.

I recognize how hard it is to think this way. Most of us were conditioned in our childhoods to assume that if someone isn't doing whatever it is you think they should be doing, they are doing so intentionally. However, while people may have intentions to do certain things, often the true reasons for our behavior are unconscious. Without that level of self-awareness, we are all just sort of blundering around, acting in ways that have roots in patterns we are not even aware of. My focus as a therapist is to bring those reasons to consciousness so a person can truly make choices and be more intentional about their lives and parenting.

Because I am aware of this pattern, I generally approach people differently. I approach them with curiosity and assume positive intentions. I also try to focus on this as a therapist and parent consultant, I also try to focus on this in my own life with myself and others through self-compassion (check out last week’s post here for more details about this!). And guess what? This is also a particularly helpful reminder that I try to incorporate into my parenting mindset daily.

Remembering to approach people with curiosity and positive intent helps me to remember that my son wants things to go well. He wants his life to work out, just like I do. When I shift my role from less of a director, needing to dictate every area of his life, to a curious participant and guide (when allowed), it helps me remember that we are on the same team, his team. I can ask curious questions, assume that he is trying his best, and check in with him by asking questions that are using these principles such as:

What did you think was going to happen?
What outcome were you hoping for?
How did you feel about what happened?
How do you think your choice impacted others around you?
Is that what you hoped for?

Often, when we can have a dialogue like this, my goal is to lead him towards more prosocial, compassionate outcomes for him and others. However, I am trying hard not to lecture or put those values on him directly but helping him come to those conclusions himself. It is very similar to how I approach my clients in therapy.

To be clear, though, if my son’s behavior crosses a line, I am, of course, stepping in with limits and sometimes consequences. So while this approach may seem “soft” to some who expect all consequences and a little conversation, it is more effective because it helps children come to their own conclusions about their actions and what they want. It helps bring their feelings to consciousness and, hopefully, avoids years of patterns that can be particularly unhelpful.

Here is a real-world example of how this plays out for my family with the Pokemon card example again. When this comes up, as it so often does, instead of going into the more unhelpful narratives about my son’s choices that I described earlier in this post, I work to remember that there is a reason for his choices. I first connect with him and ask curious questions. Such as, “What do you like about bringing them to school?” and “What makes it hard to stop bringing them?” or “Are you worried about getting into trouble or the teacher’s reactions?”

I hope these questions will help him reflect on his choices and develop more of an internal guideline for how he wants to handle it moving forward. Since my son is five, though, I will keep my expectations in check because what I get from him is often a discussion about how he really should be able to bring them to school. He is particularly strong-willed, as I have mentioned a few times before!

So I remind myself that I am planting seeds that will hopefully grow in the future. And then I give my son the limit that since his teacher has asked for kids to stop bringing the cards to school, if he sneaks them and we find out, he will no longer be able to play with them at home. I also offer that when we have play dates with other friends, he is welcome to trade with them (as a big part of what we have learned from asking curious questions is that trading is a very social activity for the kindergarten boys at our school.) So, while he is unhappy about the outcome, my goal is to help him feel connected, understood, and cared for while also having the opportunity to reflect on his choices. I accomplish this by connecting with curiosity and asking questions rather than making assumptions. Since he is developmentally unable to make the prosocial choice, we set limits to help him with that and guide him in the direction that benefits his community and him in the end.

Remember that in parenting, just like in the rest of life, it is rarely a simple approach that works best (kindness or consequences) but a blend of the two. This parenting tip is all about how we approach our thinking and, hopefully, our conversations in situations that require kindness and often consequences.

Keep reading next week for Tip #6 - Allow your child to solve their problems!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

#4: Practice Self Compassion

5/11/2023

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

In my office, we often discuss the impact of the way we think about ourselves or others, or even life in general, on our perception of those very things. For example, suppose we focus a lot on the difficult parts of parenting or our children and forget to notice the benefits of parenting and our children. In that case, we will naturally feel less satisfied, happy, and enjoyable overall in our families.

It’s interesting because underneath all of the toxic positivity statements, such as “choose happiness,” is a shred of truth. While we can’t always just easily choose happiness, we can work to shift our perspective in a situation from a more pessimistic view to a more neutral or, at times, optimistic outlook. And this will often also help someone feel more happy or content. So while I do not subscribe to “toxic positivity” cultural ideas around how someone’s life is entirely in their control, I do believe in the power of our thoughts and interpretation of our lives. And I believe that shifting our lens in very specific ways is enormously beneficial.

One of the key ingredients to shifting our perspective is to approach ourselves and others with compassion. Often, when parents are struggling with their children or with parenting in general, they are left with a shame spiral of also feeling that something is wrong with them to feel this way. They also might imagine that something is wrong with their child acting in the way they are.

Most of the time, neither of these things are true. Often, children are acting in ways that make sense, given their developmental level and current skills to navigate the world. For example, a child throwing a tantrum is most likely unable to communicate their needs or emotions in any other way. Similarly, the parent who reacts to the tantrum with yelling, is most likely feeling unable to react differently due to their own childhood experiences, parenting they received, ideas they have about how their child “should” be acting, internal distress at their child’s challenges, and sensory overload.

It is really tough to go through hard moments with your child. It is even harder to go through those moments and then spend hours, days, and weeks thinking about how you are a terrible parent and/or your child is incredibly damaged.

While having self-compassion and general compassion for your child will not necessarily change the tough moments right away, it can take the shame away afterward. And the good news is that when we can reduce shame, we are actually more likely to learn from our mistakes and approach the situation differently in the future.

Shame is an extremely triggering emotion for our nervous systems. As such, unfortunately, while we are in a deep state of shame, we are not likely to be able to learn or access the full range of ourselves that might be needed to solve a problem differently. Often, shame triggers our survival instincts or “fight, flight, freeze, fawn” responses, which are generally not helpful unless we are in a truly dangerous situation. Unfortunately, a screaming toddler is not actually dangerous!

Increasing our self-compassion can help us break this cycle of parenting shame by reducing our reactivity which also allows us to be more likely to parent in a way that feels helpful to us and our children.

Here are examples of ways to practice self-compassion in your parenting. These phrases are often helpful reminders in reaction to encounters with your child that do not go as you had hoped and might end up in tears (for one or both of you):

I am a good parent doing the best that I can.
Parenting is hard because it is hard, not because I am doing it wrong.
I do not like how much I yelled at bedtime tonight. I probably need some more alone time so that I can manage my emotions better.
There are no perfect parents; I am doing my best.
There is nothing wrong with me or my child. We are doing the best that we can.
I can try again tomorrow. What do I need for myself so that I can show up differently as a parent?

As parents, we will all make mistakes. We will all mess up and wish we could just start over again. Our children will also be imperfect and wish they could do things differently. The reason for this is not because something is wrong with us all but because we are human and we are flawed. We often learn experientially by doing rather than by thinking.

While we can’t change this part of life, we can change how we view it and develop a different way to handle ourselves after a mistake. And the good news is that the more we do this with ourselves, the more we can help our children do the same for themselves, and most likely, the more we will also interact with them and their mistakes differently. Again, this is a win-win and the gift that will keep giving. Try out incorporating self-compassion today by using the phrases listed above!

Read on next week for Parenting Tip #5: Assume positive intent and approach situations with curiosity

#3: Remember Everything Is Temporary

5/4/2023

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

I still remember when my son was first born, and every stage felt like it lasted a lifetime. I agonized over every developmental milestone and decision I needed to make as his mom. The amount of money I must have spent on sleep swaddles in the early days when he was a pretty fussy sleeper is likely baffling (I’ve never tried to run these numbers, though!). Even with my years of experience working with parents and children, it took me a long while to adjust to the ever-changing demands of parenting.

You see, in the beginning, I think I forgot something that I had known from my work with other people’s children and even with my adult clients. That every phase ends and everything is temporary. Being a therapist has given me a huge gift of perspective that I am not sure I would have otherwise. You see, I have watched kids (and adults) go through super hard phases and also been able to witness them coming out, often better in some way, on the other side.

While I had hoped to hold onto those parts of myself as I entered my journey of motherhood, I lost my way for a while. I completely lost perspective at times and felt so anxious about everything that happened. As a therapist, a huge asset is that I can often help clients make sense of their lives by weaving their past into their present. The challenging part of this is that then, I can also be really good at forecasting problems that will arrive for my son in the future due to challenges in the present.

What I often forget is what I tell parents, which is that when it comes to predicting the future or how our choices will truly impact our child later, “We don’t know.” So often, we just don’t know if any one decision (other than obviously terrible decisions) had a huge impact on a child’s trajectory in their life. We don’t have a control group to compare to, and it is not entirely fair to assume we know the outcome that would have happened if things had gone differently. As those in research often say, correlation does not equal causation. So, just because one path has some evidence that it can lead to certain unpleasant outcomes, it does not mean that this is exactly what will happen. I forgot this lesson for a long period of time and still have to work to keep this part of my brain focused at work, where it is actually helpful in making sense of our lives. Not in forecasting my son’s possible problems and future challenges!

The good news is that, looking back over the past few years, I realize now that I am much more rooted in the temporary nature of our challenges and experiences that come up. We have certainly had some really tough moments, he is a very strong-willed kiddo, and it really has helped to remember that everything is temporary.

For me, when I think about the temporary nature of our challenges, it helps me remember that things usually do get better. The tears, fears, and difficulties that come as a part of a child’s development do not last. I believe that this mindset also helps me hold tighter to the parts of those stages that are so sweet and enjoyable. Because I remember that they will not be like this forever, I can hold onto the snuggles that happen when Luca is sick, and my world is upended to revolve around him. I can kick off my shoes and play Legos with him on the floor for hours knowing that this is time limited.

I can further embrace the joy of raising him, even on the hard days because I know that he will not always be mine. Even now, I know that he is not mine, he is his and his alone, and our time together is borrowed. So, holding the impermanence of our life together helps me remember how special it is and how much I want to experience it. Not scroll through my phone, avoid playing the boring games, or only focus on the hard parts.

I want to have gratitude for my little guy and how much joy being his mom brings me. Remembering that it is temporary helps me do just that. It helps me bring in the therapist side of me that thinks, “Maybe, maybe not,” and embrace life's uncertainty, even for my child.

Read on next week for Parenting Tip #4: Practice Self Compassion

#2: Spending Quality Time Daily

4/27/2023

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Parenting Tip #2: Spend quality time with them daily (no phones or devices allowed)

In our fast-paced world and parenting culture, cultivating quality time in our families and with our children is more important than ever. While this is the most common parenting recommendation we give parents, often referred to as Special Time, it is worth sharing again because I believe it might also be the least implemented in families. No judgment here at all. The reason for this is very simple, we are incredibly busy, and it is very hard for adults to “play” or join their kids in play when their minds are racing with the to-do lists from all the things. You know, the summer camp sign-ups, the birthday parties, the lessons, sports, classes, the developmental stages, the homework. ALL. THE. THINGS.

It is enough to make our heads spin and surprise, when our heads are spinning, it is hard to sit in one place and play! As a child therapist, this is actually one of the reasons why I stopped taking on new children clients and prefer to work with adults. You see, I have a 5-year-old at home, plus I run a business and see my own clients. And yes, I do also have a household to manage and am responsible for a lot. In the interest of taking my own advice and spending quality time with my son, I just can’t spend that energy and focus at work.

While it might sound silly, playing with kids in a focused way does take a lot of focus and energy at first. Anyone who loves working with children can tell you that while it is one of the most amazing ways to spend your professional life, it can also be tiring and challenging to get used to. You see, you have to put aside the bills, the to-do lists, and all the ADULT things in your head and immerse yourself fully in your child’s world.

While this is tough for many adults, the secret is that it is a gift that keeps giving. Spending quality time playing with your kids, one on one, with no phones or devices invited to the party, will not only benefit your relationship with your child, their self-esteem and sense of self, but also will benefit you as the parent. You see, play can be another form of mindfulness if you are able to truly put aside all the aforementioned things. Just as you can take mindful walks and eat mindfully, you can play mindfully. While I’m not going to go into the details of all the reasons why mindfulness is important, a good comparison would be that mindfulness is to adult therapy clients as the quality time recommendation is to child therapy clients. They both have benefits that are immeasurable and important. And good news, with practice, you can do both at the same time! Pretty cool, huh?

Even cooler is the fact that while it can be hard to lean into quality time and embrace it as an adult, it is a pretty easy intervention otherwise, as your children will be more than happy to have you join their play. Finally, parenting recommendations that your child actually will enjoy ;)

Here are the basics of implementing Mindful Play/Special Time/Quality Time (whatever you want to call it!):

Tell your child about your special time to play with them, give it a name, and make a plan as to when you can do it together
Give it a time frame (15-20 minutes is a good place to start)
Tell them you will be playing with them without interruptions and set a timer
Let them know that while playing with them in this way, they are the boss and make the rules about play. Set boundaries around safety and harm, but otherwise, the goal is to join their play and have them lead it.

And that’s it! I know it seems surprising to have so many benefits and positive results from a relatively simple intervention. Perhaps it helps to consider how it feels when you have a close friend, loved one, partner, or therapist truly listen to your story about your day or a challenge you are having. Perhaps it is about child care, work challenges, parenting, friends, or family challenges. Just remember how nice it can feel to be truly seen and heard when someone listens and focuses on you without judgment or advice. This feeling is what you give to your children when you join their play and give them your full attention. And that feeling is why it helps so much more than just during those 15-20 minutes a day. I hope you try this out!

Read on next week for Parenting Tip #3: Everything is Temporary.

Parenting Goal: Happy Children?

3/30/2023

By Dr. Erica Wollerman

Recently, I re-shared a post on social media about how this generation is being raised without limits and that this is well, leading them to be quite entitled and also not prepared for adulthood. Check out this article here.

I re-shared it because I generally do agree with the information shared. However, I did find myself reflecting back on the article quite a bit and wanted to add just a bit of nuance and gray area. Without careful interpretation, the article could seem like it was saying we should parent as we have in the past, and this is where I disagree.

You see, I find myself thinking about the pendulum swinging in parenting often. Not necessarily within one person or family, but within our culture. It seems that we went from one extreme, “children should be seen and not heard,” to another, “all things my child thinks and wants and says are valid,” “I will give my children anything and every opportunity,” or “I just want them to be happy.” Honestly, as a child psychologist and parenting “expert” (tell that to my 5-year-old!) I think we need to work on finding some middle ground here.

Though I agree that we are not setting enough boundaries with children currently, I do not want us to revert to setting harsh boundaries without a sense of love and connection. The goal is boundaries that are set with love and rooted in the connection between parent and child.

While children should not be given every material item they might desire, I do think their requests can be responded to with empathy and compassion.

While they definitely do not need everything they think they need, their desire and disappointment can be held with love and firm limits.

Similarly, they do not need to be praised for every single thing, BUT they do deserve positive reinforcement and recognition for their efforts.

They need to know that their choices matter, but mistakes are also okay particularly when you repair them and take accountability.

Often, it seems that we find ourselves overcompensating for what we lacked in our childhoods, and while this is absolutely understandable, it is generally not that helpful because we end up overdoing it a bit. In my eyes, this is a big part of what is happening in our society today.

We have a generation of parents who love their kids so much, and they want to do anything for them. They also likely felt unsupported, unseen, invalidated, and like there were too many limits on them as children. Combine this and you get the current situation of parents who are uncomfortable with setting limits and end up only giving praise and love. They seek happiness above all else.

What on earth is wrong with happiness? Well, nothing is wrong with happiness as a byproduct of hard work, feelings of connection, friendship, athleticism, and capability. There is something wrong with happiness for the sake of happiness because it is generally an empty feeling. To me, the best goal is to have capable, resourceful, and resilient children. And honestly, if they are those things, they will most likely also be happy.

So, what does it look like to set boundaries with love?

“I understand that you are disappointed/upset/frustrated, but I will not let you hit me or anyone else in this family.”

“I am here when you want to talk and can speak kindly.”

“I love you no matter what.”

“Nothing you can do will separate you from my love.” and “That behavior is not acceptable.”

“You are allowed to be upset about this decision (no TV, no sleepover, etc.) and that is still the decision.”

The goal is to set firm limits with a firm voice, while also remaining connected with your child. Even if this makes them more upset (this is exactly what happens with my son, when I try to validate his feelings, he wants nothing to do with it!), stay calm and present and let them know you are there while also making sure to set limits about how they are treating you. When the boundary is set and the child is then calm again, make sure to give them a hug or some kind of signal that you are still there, loving them for who they are no matter what.

This is the part that I think is more helpful than previous parenting strategies. We can give unconditional love and respect while also setting limits. As a former colleague of mine liked to say, clear communication is kindness. Boundaries are clear communication and a simple form of love from parent to child when combined with unconditional love for who they are. I also believe this is the best way we can prepare them for their lives, as this parenting philosophy also leads to kids with increased feelings of capability.

For other blogs I have written on the happiness trap of parenting and building resilience and capability in kids - check out this list!

8 Activities to Strengthen Your Parent-Child Relationship During Quarantine

4/17/2020

By Panicha McGuire, LMFT, RPT

By now you are probably running out of ideas of things to do with your child when you’ve been confined with each other for weeks. Or, you’ve probably seen Frozen II for the 100th time. Although we all hope to get back to normal soon, this may be a good opportunity for you to take a step back and practice becoming emotionally closer to one another. These are some activities that will help elicit open dialogue with your child, help you learn more about each other’s likes/dislikes, and some are just plain fun.

Cook a meal or bake together- This can be quite relaxing for children who love to work with their hands. Plus, you’ll get a reward at the end! Making a meal together can be a bonding activity that will not only teach your child a life skill, but will help them feel a sense of accomplishment.
Play dress up- Find out more about your child. What goes on in their mind? How creative are they? How big is their imagination?
Start a new hobby or take a fun online class together- Whether it’s knitting or learning to juggle, you’ll find tons of tutorials online.
Karaoke night– You could even take turns with everyone picking a song!
Play “Would you rather?”- Play a simple game of rock-paper-scissors. The winner gets to ask the other a “would you rather” question. Be sure to throw in some silly ones with some deeper ones. Some examples:
- Would you rather hiccup every time you spoke or sing every time you opened your mouth?
- Would you rather always be right or always be loved?
- Would you rather have three legs or three arms?
- Would you rather solve all the world’s problems or be the richest person on Earth?
Jenga- Write a feeling word on Jenga blocks. You can talk about them or ask questions about the feelings such as “What happens when you feel __?”. You can also mix in some fun questions.
Family Bingo- Create a bingo card for some positive actions that you would like to see in the house. Everyone can contribute when creating the bingo card. Things like “Facetime Grandma” or “Learn a magic trick” can be added. See who gets Bingo first!
Have an indoor/backyard picnic – this is a great time to consider even breaking some family rules so if you don’t usually let your kids eat in the living room, maybe you have a picnic there!

Fun Tip - These activities can be parent(s) vs children which will help siblings’ bond and learn to work together!

As always, we at Thrive are here for parents and teens, particularly during this unprecedented time in our world. We want to help you make the most of the pandemic but also help you cope with it if you are struggling. Please make sure to balance any advice you are taking with a healthy dose of self-care and realistic expectations!

Family Separation and Early Life Trauma

6/27/2018

By: Panicha McGuire, M.A.

By now, you’ve probably heard about the children being separated from their families at the US-Mexico border. Just to be clear, there is no official Trump administration policy stating that families entering the U.S. without papers are to be separated. The “zero tolerance policy” is that all adults entering the U.S. illegally are to be criminally prosecuted; however, when these adults are sent before a judge to see if they will be deported or sent to federal jail, that’s when separation happens. So, while the parents await to see what happens to them, the “unaccompanied children” have to be dealt with. Children are then separated and transferred to the Office of Refugee Resettlement (ORR) in the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). Most children do not have relatives already in the U.S. so they are placed in short-term shelters or foster families since criminal defendants don’t have a right to have their children with them in jail.

Now politics aside, we cannot ignore that separating children from their parents has several psychological and even biological implications. Forced separation places children at a high risk for mental health issues. The trauma of being separated from their parents or family members only adds to the stressful experiences they have already endured in order to arrive at the border. The accumulated stress from these traumatic experiences disrupts their brain development, and the effects can unfortunately last a lifetime.

Parents are essential in fulfilling the child’s fundamental needs for early attachment, or parent-child bond. In my work with attachment, being deprived from parental care (even if children are placed in stable and loving families) can cause both short term and long term biological and psychological issues. This disruption in attachment creates a belief system that their parents are unreliable and that the world is unpredictable, which can become problematic. In the short-term, these children are at a higher risk for problems with sleep, impulsivity, emotion regulation, anxiety, and depression. The long-term implications are impaired cognitive functioning and social-emotional functioning, and the increased risk of developing mental health disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder, severe anxiety disorders, depression, and the list continues. The consequences of family separation are profound; so, if you are personally affected or would simply like to take action, please check out the resources below.

Donating or Joining the Community

Contacting your Elected Officials

Contact your Senators and Representatives to urge them to support the Keep Families Together Act(SB3036), a bill that would stop family separation.
- Call your members of Congress at 202-224-3121. There are a few pauses, but don’t hang up, wait for the audio recordings and follow the prompts to get connected. When connected, say you support SB 3036 and you are asking that they support it too.
- Alternatively, you can also email your senators.
Here’s a script in case you do not know where to start.

Sign Petitions

Note from Thrive Founder, Erica Wollerman:
While I usually try to avoid posting anything political on our website and Facebook page, since our practice is dedicated to supporting children, teens, parents, and families, I personally felt that the separation of children from their families was a topic we just could not ignore. At Thrive, we spend our time uniting families and working through communication issues, conflict, and difficulties connecting as well as childhood trauma at times. We are all concerned about the damage being caused to these children, teens, parents, and families and wanted to share not just our opinions, but information about why we are concerned as well as ways some of you can help.

The Importance of Play

5/4/2018

By: Panicha Sillapawatayanon, M.A.

Play is an important part of childhood. Play helps children develop cognitively, physically, socially, and emotionally. Children who play have healthy brain development. It’s through play that children learn to explore the world around them and start mastering challenges. And above all else, play is enjoyable!

Undirected play, or free play, gives children opportunities to learn new skills while moving at their own pace. Free play allows children to use their creativity, develop their imagination, and encourages them to learn how to share with their peers and resolve their conflicts. Additionally, free play helps keep them active through physical activity! However, parent involvement is always encouraged! Parents who play with their children build relationships with them that are loving and engaging. Even when parents simply watch their children play they are able to take a peek into their children’s world. Parent supervision is needed when children are playing outside too. It’s important to note that true free play isn’t passive play such as video games, watching tv, or playing on the iPad.

Some examples of free play include:

Playing on the playground such as running around, climbing, swinging
Physical activity such as sports or playing tag
Creative arts (drawing, coloring, painting)
Pretend play such as dressing up, role playing, building forts

Currently, school children are given less free time for play, creative arts, and physical activities as schools try to put efforts on academic preparation. Many marketed messages in the media target parents claiming that good parents have to enroll their children in every opportunity so they can excel and prepare for the future. As a result, many parents spend their time transporting their children to multiple organized activities such as specialized gyms, after-school enrichment programs, and extra-curricular classes.  These organized activities do have many benefits for children; however, when children become “overscheduled” and start to live a “hurried lifestyle”, it can cause anxiety or increased stress.

Overscheduled children have less high-quality family time and are unable to receive the benefits of free play that would help protect them against the effects of stress. Ultimately, every family is different so parents can decide on the appropriate amount of scheduled activities that suit their family.  But in my experience, many parents feel as though they can’t slow down or their children will fall behind. Some also worry that they won’t be good parents if they don’t match up to what the other parents are doing. Consider finding a good balance for your family between living (playing) in the moment and preparing for their future. Every child has different needs, so it’s likely that your family’s balance will look different from others.

What if my children are bored?
It seems that in our culture, we’re used to moving at a quick pace. We’re always looking for “what to do next?”. Children need to grow comfortable with silence and become bored sometimes. Feeling bored is a great opportunity for them to develop creativity! Avoid filling their free time with screen entertainment, and you’ll see how imaginative and creative they can become. It’s okay to say no to your children instead of feeling you have to go the extra mile or they will suffer or be deprived. Children will have plenty of time to be stressed and overscheduled as adults!

If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to them by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

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The Gift of Play

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

#7 Finding A Balance

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

#5: Approach with Curiosity & Positive Intent

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

#4: Practice Self Compassion

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

#3: Remember Everything Is Temporary

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

#2: Spending Quality Time Daily

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Parenting Goal: Happy Children?

By Dr. Erica Wollerman

8 Activities to Strengthen Your Parent-Child Relationship During Quarantine

By Panicha McGuire, LMFT, RPT

Family Separation and Early Life Trauma

By: Panicha McGuire, M.A.

The Importance of Play

By: Panicha Sillapawatayanon, M.A.

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