 One of the most interesting observations that I have about our current generation of teens, is that they seem to be easily frustrated and upset when things do not go the way they would like. While some of this is definitely a part of being a teen, it definitely seems to also be a challenge rooted in growing up in our current culture. While it is ultimately up to the teen to learn how to cope with disappointment more effectively, it is helpful to look at some of the broader reasons why they may experience the world in this way. One big factor I see impacting frustration tolerance development in our teens is that there are less opportunities for developing those skills in our “instant gratification” and overly tech focused world. When this topic comes up with parents of the teens that I work with, I often talk with parents about all the opportunities that they had to develop their emotional regulation skills to help them cope with disappointment and frustration. Remember when we didn’t have instant access to shows, movies, music, friends, etc. by using smart phones? While technology is definitely helping our world in many ways, a big impact of having so many things easily accessible at our fingertips as children whose brains are still developing, is that we have less opportunity for natural ways to develop frustration tolerance. Imagine this scenario – your toddler is crying because they want to watch something (Daniel Tiger anyone?). In the dark ages when I was a kid, we had to wait until that show came on, time watching TV at the time of the show, sit through commercials, and tolerate the frustration of not having the ability to have what we want right when we want it. Now, it is so easy to just play the show for them and it feels uncomfortable as a parent to choose not to give your child something without a reason. Additionally, there are usually minimal interruptions, commercials, and even waiting time for your child to get what they are asking for. And as the parent of a toddler myself, it is so tempting to just give them the things they want to avoid a horrible meltdown! While this is just one example, I think it is an important one because it is so common for all of us to use quick fixes to solve our kids’ problems. Consider the following:
It is just SO easy to access so much at our fingertips now. And as a parent it is easy to look at these examples as small examples but they all add up. Every quick fix for a kids’ upset feelings, disappointment, forgetfulness, adds up to a kid who is going to struggle more with managing those feelings and tasks in the future. As a parent, it is important to look at every mistake, challenge, emotion as an opportunity for our kid/teen to learn a valuable life lesson. Since problems are generally easier to solve in our world, we have to most likely create situations where we may even choose NOT to solve a problem, just so that our child can learn to tolerate the frustration of not getting something instantly. Another element to consider in this discussion is that parents are very focused on their children. While this is a great thing in terms of parent-child relationships and development, it can at times lead parents to “over solve” problems rather than to scaffold their child’s ability to solve the problem themselves. Scaffolding is a crucial part of teaching that applies to parenting and just means that when our child is not able to do something yet, we don’t dive in and just take over the task, we let them struggle with it first and then intervene just enough so that they can figure it out on their own. Pretty much, you want to help the least amount possible, rather than take over and accidentally do it for them. This allows children to understand the feeling of productive struggle that leads to solutions and progress. If we as parents are uncomfortable with struggle, we are likely to dive in too early and rescue them which avoids a child’s distress but also their learning about how to manage distress, frustration, and how to persevere when challenged. If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! We love talking about how to support teens and families develop more frustration tolerance and grit! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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 By: Dr. Erica Wollerman Welcome to 2020! I know this year has started off busily for many families. I thought it would be a great idea to restart our Parenting Teens Blog Series! As you may remember, we have talked about a lot of reasons why it is hard to not only BE a teen these days, but to PARENT a teen as well. Here are some highlights from past blogs in this series before you check out the post about how teens are so over scheduled these days below! Check out this post about lacking down time below as well! We hope you are enjoying this series! Unfortunately, our whole world seems to be impacted by a sense of overwhelm and feeling overscheduled. At Thrive, we see this all the time with our teen clients in particular. We often work with teens who are highly motivated and pursuing so much in their lives, which is incredible to see but also at times worrisome. I only use that word because I am concerned about the pace that life seems to go at for our teens. We have teens using their free periods at school to come and fit in therapy because otherwise they can’t even make it tto our office (where we have evening and weekend sessions available) due to their demanding schedules. I am concerned about the lack of downtime for many reasons but here are the highlights:
As you can see, there are many reasons to be worried about the pace of life for teens in America. A topic I often talk about with the teens I work with is the concept of cause and effect. It is just not possible to spend week after week, let alone year after year, with little down time and far too little sleep (some of the teens I work with sleep around 4 hours a night!) and not have some negative consequences. For every action, there is a reaction even if it is not immediate and it is important for parents to know this so that they can help their teens manage their schedules, responsibilities, or goals more effectively. If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  I have a personal practice that I like to engage in each year around this time of year… I like to reflect on the year and set an intention for the coming year. Typically, I think about what I struggled with and feel I would benefit from incorporating. For 2019, I chose the word enough and have to say this was an amazing word for me. I typically do “all the things” and have felt a lot of pressure to always take on more and more ideas. Choosing this word allowed me to give myself permission to stop taking things on and just focus on what already is in my life. It has been a gift and from that space I created for myself, I have become even more solid in my goals for the coming year!
Since I have posted several times about this in the past, I thought it would be helpful to share those blogs again here rather than saying all the same things again! Here are my previous posts on the topic: Currently, I have been contemplating my word for 2020. As the mother of a toddler and business owner, I have thought about the word patience for sure as well as words like calm, peace, etc. I am also mulling over ways to help encourage myself and my family to reduce and use our resources more effectively. However, I am leaning more towards a word that helps describe my goal to be more intentional with how I spend and use my time. In reflecting further, I have noticed that I have a tendency to focus more on measurable goals or linear results for myself and my business and while these are important for sure, and definitely contribute to my business's success, it can prevent me from focusing on what matters most. To me, this is my relationships and enjoying my time with those around me, clients, employees, or my family and friends. I want to lean into growth in a more sustainable and enjoyable way by choosing my word for this year to help me focus on growth without linear results. For 2020, I have finally chosen the word, nurture, to help me focus on my goal to continue fostering growth in my family, myself, and my business. I want to focus on how I can nurture myself and others in all the areas of my life. Plus, this word resonates with my goal to continue using my words from past years to continue growing and learning in my life (enough, gratitude, faith, strength, balance). Thank you all for reading! This is one of my favorite personal practices that my clients also seem to enjoy. I hope you enjoy it as well! Happy Holidays from all of us at Thrive to all of our Thrive blog readers!At Thrive, we know that the holidays can be a very stressful or emotionally difficult time for families. If you or your loved ones would like support, please call or email us today! We still have therapists on our team who are working and happy to support you! We at Thrive have certainly noticed that the holidays bring a certain level of expectation, anxiety, and feelings of overwhelm and overcommitment for many of the families, kids included, that we work with. This year does not seem any different and perhaps is even more stressful and overwhelming due to the timing of the holidays. Many of the families we have been working with are particularly stressed and worried about how they will accomplish all the things they either want to, or feel that they are expected, to accomplish. I wanted to share some of our previous blogs on this topic as I felt that they are still helpful and a fun blast from the past! Here are some of my favorites!  Dr. Maria Fowlks – In this blog she writes about managing the overwhelm of the holiday season as a parent and understanding that your child might be overwhelmed too.  Dr. Erica Wollerman – This blog shares ways parents can manage expectations during the holidays  Dr. Erica Wollerman – This blog is all about coping with holiday anxiety I hope you enjoyed these blog posts and found them helpful in the hustle and bustle of the season! If there is anything we can do to support you and your loved ones now or in the New Year, please feel free to reach out via phone or email! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanI thought it might be nice to take a short break from our parenting teens and the challenges of being a teen blog series to focus a bit more on the holidays in our families. The holidays are always such a busy time for families as well as a difficult one for many reasons. Some families are grieving family members who have passed or changes in their family that have affected who is present for the holidays. Others are just so overscheduled and busy with travel, gifts, events, hosting family, and All. The. Things. we are supposed to do that it is not the most enjoyable of seasons. I wanted to post a bit about how to try and enjoy the holidays, particularly if you have a teen at home. Let’s start off with a general holiday survival tip - My biggest tip for enjoying the holidays that really can apply to any family is to work on reducing your obligations and replacing them with things you actually enjoy. Often, as parents, we feel responsible for cultivating the perfect holiday with perfect traditions. For many people, this is overwhelming and creates a sense of irritation when your efforts are not recognized or even appreciated by your family members. I encourage families to focus on the things and events about the holidays that they truly enjoy and cut everything else out. It’s okay not to do everything and it’s even better to do the things you love so that it truly can be a time of connection and enjoyment as a family! My two tips for enjoying holidays with a teen are: 1. Meet them where they are at This is huge. I’ve had years of conversations with parents who tell me all the things they hope and want to do with their teen during their break. Or, what they think their teen “should” be doing. I encourage parents all the time to really put themselves in their kids’ shoes. Teens are chronically tired, stressed, and overwhelmed these days. When you feel that way, would you really want your parents putting more demands on you? Probably not. Check in with them about what they are hoping for over break and make sure to set up clear expectations about things you really need them to participate in or take care of. The more this is a dialogue, rather than a top down exercise in telling them what to do, the better it will go! 2. Expect less In general, I would say that the above tip is going to require this tip. You will most likely be hoping for more than your teen can or is willing to give. If you go into the holidays expecting gratitude, lots of family time playing board games, and definitely not a lot of “screen time” or time with friends, you are ultimately setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt feelings. Every teen I work with looks at breaks from school as opportunities to sleep, rest, watch TV, and spend time with their friends. Even the ones who have great relationships with their parents. I repeat, even the ones who love spending time with their parents. As a parent, it is important not to interpret your teen’s disinterest in whatever it is you are suggesting as a reflection of how much they care about you or want to be with you. It is a reflection of their current place and stage in life. I hope this is helpful! I wish all of you a happy holiday season and remember, we are here to help at Thrive even during the holidays! Call or email us today if you would like more information about how we can help you and your family thrive! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. Happy Holidays to everyone from the Thrive Team! We hope everyone is enjoying the hustle and bustle of the holidays as much as they can!  At Thrive, we have been busily getting ready for the New Year and launching our new and improved groups! We have been proud to offer several groups in the past few years and recently took a pause from offering them to revisit their format and change some things to make them more accessible to the community. I wanted to make sure I took the time to share in detail with our readers and followers all the info now that we have it set up! Open Format and Online Scheduling- The groups are now going to have a more open format. Participants will need to contact us to participate and have an intake to make sure they are a good fit for the group and after that, they will receive an online scheduling link. They can then schedule the groups for weeks they would like to attend! There is no commitment other than attending the groups you sign up for! Group Topics and Days/Times offered – (Click for more info)
We have opened up the calendars in January so feel free to contact us now to get set up to participate! All the reasons why I love working with each and every one of the therapists at Thrive! |
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