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 By: Dr. Erica WollermanWell, here we are facing yet another week of social distancing and living with the challenge of parenting during a pandemic! As many other writers have also commented on, this is a time where we are all likely to have a variety of reactions but most likely we are also feeling exhausted. Exhausted with the daily changes we ae having to make and the dramatic impact staying home, often with our entire family, is having on our emotional health. The reason for this is because we are all experiencing collective trauma and anxiety from the fears we have for our world, ourselves, our families, as well as grief related to what was and what we are unsure about for the future. Most of us have not experienced a struggle like this in our world, especially one without an end date. I have to say, this is hard. It’s hard for all of us and it seems to be impacting people in such a variety of ways that I thought it might be helpful to share a bit about what I feel might help our teens and the parents of teens get through this. As I have mentioned in past blogs about the Covid-19 pandemic, we need to come to a place where we can embrace this new reality so that we can learn to cope with it. Unfortunately, our teens may struggle with this even more than we do at times. I can tell you, a cooped up and isolated teen is not a fun person to spend time with. Here are some ideas specifically to help parents with teens at home who are practicing social distancing.
I hope this is helpful for our readers right now! As always, my goal is to be a calming and helpful voice in the storm that can be parenting and my office is here to help for those who would like to talk more about parenting or who would like support for their teens. We are accepting new clients for video therapy sessions today! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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"I don’t know about you but this is my first f****** global pandemic". -Brené Brown I was looking for a podcast this morning and stumbled on Brené Brown’s new podcast, Unlocking Us. For those of you who don’t know, I am a bit of a fan or her work. Okay, I’m totally obsessed with it! Her above statement perfectly captures what we are all dealing with and the inherent complexities of living through this time. I wrote the below blog post all about the grief process as it relates to the coronavirus pandemic. I hope you all enjoy it as it is a bit more open and vulnerable than my usual (which is great that I found a perfect Brené Brown quote to go with it considering she is my go to champion of vulnerability even when you don't want to. As I have been working with my clients, consulting with my family, friends, and colleagues, and checking in with my own emotions, I have recognized that the process of adjusting to our new normal as we try to #flattenthecurve and engage in social distancing reminds me so much of a grief process. As a therapist, I am familiar with grief and how it pops up in our lives during times that do not necessarily include death. Grief is involved in any sort of ending, new beginning, phase of life, and even happy days. For example, when you become a parent you are overjoyed at the gift of the precious baby you now have but you might also feel overwhelmed with grief for the life you used to know. As I have sat with my own emotions and explored those of others during this unprecedented time in our world, there has definitely been a process of grief and loss. I remember just a week or two ago, which feels like MONTHS ago, feeling like everything was happening so quickly and everyone seemed so anxious and I felt like it was not even happening. I now recognize my feeling that this might be an overreaction both as a product of my own misinformation and lack of understanding of the situation we were in but also as a process of denial. I honestly have been working so hard in my life on so many of my goals, that I didn’t want any of this to be real. Particularly as a business owner, this situation was enough to make anyone want to hide with a blanket over their heads. The next wave of emotions was definitely some level of resentment. I honestly resented the people around me, even my husband whose judgment I trust, for telling me life as we knew it was over and would be for a longer time than any of us are prepared to sit with. Taking my son out of daycare and moving my therapy practice online have been changes that it truly took a lot of time to process. I found that I personally needed to allow myself some space to just be sad and to grieve all of the things I feel like we are losing…. My son’s experience with his trusted and beloved daycare providers, our upcoming vacation, all of my client’s progress and consistency in sessions and in therapy, my own progress in building our business, and our freedom to do what we enjoy doing – which is generally not staying home. I also felt like I needed some time to readjust from “building and improving” my life and my business to “survival mode.” Simultaneously, I have recognized my privilege in this situation. I work in a business that can use video and telehealth for sessions and our business will continue. It will continue differently but we are able to cope with this. So many businesses and people are not and I feel that sense of injustice in our world keenly. I have also been so grateful for my family situation and feeling so well supported by my colleagues, family, and friends. Never have I cherished our new home and backyard more than I do these days with a toddler to entertain! Never have I been so grateful for all that I have in the world. I found that my path to acceptance of our situation came from allowing myself time to just feel all of these things. To feel overwhelmed, sad, and to truly grieve everything that is happening. The loss of life, people’s livelihoods, and our ability to move through our world freely. I needed to let myself just feel these things and my feelings about them. During this time, I tried not to think too rationally about how I do believe that we can figure these things out. I just let the feelings come and embraced them willingly. I let myself cry freely and think all of my biggest fears and just let my awareness sit on the fact that we don’t know how long this will last. I repeat, our futures are not known and we honestly can’t do much in terms of planning. While some may find this freeing, many of us are going to find this anxiety provoking. To go from working towards goals and planning events to just getting through the week is going to be a challenge and struggle for many. It certainly has been for me. While I truly believe in our ability to come back from this both as individuals and as a society, that is truly so scary to not know so many things about what that process might look or be like. I feel like many of us are even bargaining in this grief process. I’ve said it myself, and heard many others say things like, “I can do this for 2 weeks but no longer.” Guys, we need to sit with the truth in this situation to allow ourselves to come to a place of coping. The more we fight reality, the more we are also delaying our own acceptance and coping. The world as we knew it is changing and it is now up to us to accept this, figure out a new normal, and allow ourselves to recognize that we don’t know anything about what the future will hold. This is a wave that could crush us if we are not careful. We could get lost in the unknown and fear. I encourage you to know this and choose to dip your toes in the pool of your emotions but to then also let yourself allow some light in. Other than days when the grief wave just takes hold of me, I am going to be mindful of my thoughts and choose to believe that we will get through this and that our resilience as a people will be a powerful force in light of this pandemic. I truly believe that our struggles can bring about change and growth and am hopeful that this might not be different even now. If you or your loved ones are struggling to cope, our office is still offering telehealth (video) therapy sessions throughout California. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us if you feel we can be supportive during this time. Our therapists have availability and can offer flexible schedules even for those who are working from home while trying to learn how to homeschool your kids. From the bottom of my heart, I hope all of our readers are hanging in there and adjusting during this time. We will continue to post resources and tips for our readers to help us all cope with the days ahead! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Wollerman As many people are making dramatic changes to their lives to try to #flattenthecurve in our country while we deal with this pandemic, therapists are making changes as well. Most of us are moving towards video session and our practice is no different! Starting next week, we are going to be only offering video sessions for our clients until it is reasonable to start up in person sessions again and we feel comfortable doing so without concern of transmitting Covid19. As the leader in our practice, this was a tough decision for me for many reasons. One, I really want to support my clients and love doing so in person. Two, I really didn’t want this choice to impact people’s access to care particularly during a time where so many of us are understandably feeling stressed, anxious, and even depressed. Three, I also genuinely believe in how calming it can be to have some normalcy in our lives when the world feels like it is falling apart. Upon reflection, I realized that while I am feeling all these conflicting feelings about it, people might be feeling conflicted even about attending sessions. We all know that there has been a variety of responses to Covid19 and some people continue to feel that we are all “over-reacting.” However, there are also those who are working hard to change their lives in the interest of protecting the most vulnerable in our society. Once I got used to the idea of changing our life and the way we offer our services, the more I realized that this is valuable coping in a time when things are unstable. Perhaps the more we learn to roll with the challenges life hands us, even when they are HUGE like right now, the more we all learn how to refocus on what mattes and how we can connect and cope together through this unprecedented time in our world. So, I had my first client video sessions in the past few days and realized that this is actually such a great way to connect with my clients! We luckily had very few tech related issues and the sessions felt almost exactly the same as in our office. My clients loved it and I felt thrilled to be able to continue to provide services without feeling any conflict around if I could possibly be exposing my clients to something dangerous. For those of you on the fence about telehealth, I thought I would share some pros with you!
These are just simple things that were fun today. The most important reason to continue with telehealth is that you don’t need to cancel your personal growth just because everything else in our world is cancelled. You can still work on yourself, how you are managing the unknown of this situation, and find support. Plus, we are all not sure how long this situation will last and it is going to be important for all of us to schedule in self-care. I feel that many parents in our world who are suddenly home schooling while working, are going to feel the pressure to be in survival mode throughout this situation. I would encourage you to consider the harm and stress of that. Carving out an hour a week to find support and a time for you, is most likely going to be crucial in maintaining this situation as long as we need to. We at Thrive would be thrilled to help any Californians during this time and are no longer limited to the bounds of who can drive to our office. We are hopeful that this will help extend the people we are able to help, particularly during a time of such challenge and uncertainty in our country. We are even working on strategies of things to do with younger kids in telehealth and ways to continue our work with the whole family! From our Thrive family to your family, we hope everyone is hanging in there and we look forward to supporting you! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. We will be posting ongoing information to support our families and community during the Covid19 pandemic. Please stay tuned and let us know if there are questions we can help answer!  By: Dr. Erica Wollerman Wow. Things have been moving at lightning speed for the past week! In light of the challenges families and parents are facing as many of them, especially in our community in San Diego, are being asked to work from home and care for kids who are now home for the next three weeks unexpectedly. I know I, as a business owner and mother myself, have been feeling the pressure and stress lately and thought it might be helpful to write a post about how parents can support their kids during this time. I felt this was important particularly because even young children will sense something is going on due to being able to feel the anxiety and stress their parents are feeling. In a time like this, where everything feels out of control, I think it is important to consider that what we can control is our reactions and mindset. I believe that this is going to be the most important way to support your child also. Here are some of my thoughts about how parents can set the tone for the coming weeks in their family: Try to stay calm I know, I know, this is like asking the impossible of people right now! I know parents are worried about their health, their kids, maybe even their aging family members as well as finances, how this is going to impact our world long-term, and just how they are going to survive the next few weeks or months. I know. I feel all of that stress and anxiety too, believe me! What I realize though is that the way we handle this situation is going to significantly impact how our kids manage it. If we are able to model healthy coping in an unmanageable situation, consider how much our kids will learn about coping from us! Plus, they might cope better even now - which is a win for all of us. I believe the first step is to recognize that none of us, I repeat, none of us can control this situation anymore. All we can do is try to manage our response and keep our cool to some extent around our kids. Of course you are worried and scared and it's great to acknowledge that and to even share it with them, but to also give your kids a message that we are in this together and you will still do everything you can for them. Consider the positives I know that this situation feels dire and is dire for so many people. I would NEVER EVER say that this is in any way desirable or a good situation for us as a country and in our world. However, I think that our mindset really impacts how we experience something so I would encourage you to find some positive in this. Maybe it is that you were hoping to work from home in your job and now you have the opportunity to show your boss you can do so. Maybe it is that you were feeling like you needed more time together as a family and less structured time with activities. Maybe it is that you needed time a home to accomplish some things (I might even potty train my toddler if we end up home for a long stretch!). Even when talking with your kids, help them notice the positives of communities coming together to help the least strong of us get through this. In every disaster and crisis, there are going to be heroes and it is up to us to point them out to our kids and to ourselves. Please don’t ignore the fact that this is all very scary and serious, but let’s not focus too much on that part as it will not help us through it. We need to bond together and get through this with the least panic and anxiety as we can. Set your expectations appropriately Please be mindful of what you are asking of your child. If you are expecting them to sit at home all day with you while you work, that might just be asking too much. If you are expecting to get as much done as you usually would with a younger child home now, you might be expecting too much of yourself. Be mindful that most of our frustrations come from unmet and unspoken expectations and we can avoid them by going into unknown territory like this situation by setting the bar low. Consider ways to bond and connect as a family If we are going to be home more, I think it is helpful to think of how to enjoy that time. I know at my house, we have been enjoying a less structured schedule this weekend and spending a lot of time letting our toddler guide play rather than squeezing in activities around errands. We have been spending time creating new games and exploring toys that we hadn’t played with in a while. Try to focus on enjoying this time we have together and find a way to be a team with your partner (if you have one), or with your kids. We are going to get through this together! Remember that your child is probably scared too. We need to be mindful of how much information we give them about what is happening and what we need to do to help buffer that information. We have had children at our office who are very worried and feel like they might die. Try to reassure your kids that we are doing everything we can to protect all of the members of our society and try not to focus on the fear too much. Also, remember that kids do not often say they are scared; they might act out, become distant, become overly controlling, or act in other ways that can be really frustrating for parents. I know this is hard and parents are already stressed but we need to have some grace. For ourselves and for our kids. Give everyone some grace We will get through this situation as best as we can but I am sure we will make mistakes along the way too. When parents are stressed, those mistakes are often in the way we respond to our kids when they are struggling. Making sure you repair things if you get overly upset with your child is more important than ever. It’s okay to let them know you are worried and possibly reacting in ways that are not helpful too. It’s okay to explain that you are worried because we have not experienced something like this before and the unknown is scary for most people. Normalize the fact that they are probably feeling the same way and connect with them through the shared experience. Let them know you will do everything you can to make sure your family is okay and that it is going to be okay because you will get through it together. This is a great time to let them know all feelings are okay and understandable. Of course they are frustrated and angry that they can’t play with their friends but they might also be happy that they have extra time to play at home. This is a great time to teach them to make the best of things and about how to interpret others’ actions with generosity. These are challenging times for our community. Let’s try to be mindful that everyone is struggling with fears and some may cope by well, buying all the toilet paper out there. Some other may cope by living their life as though nothing is going on because it is just so scary to consider our lives are changing as we know it. As parents, it is up to us to try to find the middle ground and acknowledge the fears and challenge we are facing but to communicate a message that we will rise above this and cope together. Yes, this is hard and yes, we do not know what exactly is going to happen, but we know we will figure it out together. That is the message we all need to hear right now, especially the littlest of us! At Thrive, we will continue to support our clients and any new clients during this time of crisis via telehealth (video sessions). Call us today if you would like to discuss this as an option! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  As our readers may have noticed, I have been particularly focused on writing about parenting teens recently. While there are many reasons for this, including my passion for supporting teens and their parents, another reason is that teens are often particularly difficult to parent. So, the next part of our blog series is going to address just this topic. Each week I will share a tip in detail about how to parent your teen more effectively. Today, I want to share more about the foundation of parenting a teen (at least in my eyes). To me, the most crucial part of parenting teens is that you lead with your connection and relationship with them. As a therapist who specializes in teens, I can’t tell you how often teens complain that their parents seem to only care about what they are doing, rather than who they are and what they are learning about themselves. I believe that the most important tip I can give parents is to work hard to connect with your teen in a subtle but present way. This is one of those areas that can be so tricky to get right, but very valuable if you can manage it! See, I know that teens are super prickly people and one day they want to hang with you all the time and think you are actually not a horrible person. And then the next, they seem like they hate you. It is so hard both to receive this inconsistent feedback but to also manage your own emotions and reactions in the relationship with them. Especially if you are parenting a teen who is more difficult than you were yourself as a teen. This inconsistency can just be so frustrating and hard to relate to if your own transition to adulthood was a bit smoother. I want to mention that it is actually an important developmental step for teens to start pushing their parents away. This is all a part of them individuating and becoming their own people who will move out of your home (on the particularly prickly days I am sure this is a goal you can get behind!). It is totally normal for your teen to vary daily in how much they want you involved in their life and totally normal for you to feel frustrated by this inconsistency. However, it is crucial to try and handle your feelings about this privately as teens do not often respond well to their parents telling them just how difficult they are making their lives. Teens are pretty self-centered (we call it ego-centric) by nature and this is a part of their brain development to be that way. So, they really aren’t going to relate much to their parents’ experiences particularly if their parents are sharing their experiences in any way that sounds like a guilt trip or like it is all about them! So, how do I connect in a subtle but present way? Let’s call this one, the 3 C’s:
What do I do if my teen keeps pushing me away? I don’t know if I can underline or say this enough. Just keep showing up. Be there, present in a caring way but not overbearing. If they get in the car with you and don’t want to talk, see if they want to just listen to music or allow them to be quiet. I have found that parents are often so interested in connecting that they don’t give their teens enough space. This is a crucial part of parenting teens, showing up to connect through consistent, caring, and compassionate parenting but also letting the teen guide things a bit. If they want to talk about anything, I would listen. And don’t lecture. Just listen and keep all your super helpful parenting advice to yourself sometimes. If they don’t want to talk, give them space. Don’t force it as that rarely works at this age. Let them know you are there and you care and all the times you have listened and connected using the tips I’ve already shared, will lead them to want to share with you sometimes. Remember, it is totally normal and natural for teens to have secrets and boundaries and to share limited info with parents. That’s okay. Just try to be there for them as best you can while you meander this often difficult road to adulthood. If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! We love talking about how to increase positive connections between teens and their parents. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. By: Dr. Erica WollermanFor several months now, our blog has focused on helping parents understand just what it might be like for their teens to well, be a teen in our current culture. I truly hope that by discussing what I am observing in my office week in and week out can be helpful to illuminate just how challenging it can be to grow up in our modern world. While in some ways, teens lives seem so much easier due to technology, I am of the belief that they are also so much more challenging for the exact same reason! Just to review a bit, we have discussed the following topics:
While I know it might seem excessive to go over this again, I wanted to note that each of these challenges are contributing to the increased anxiety and fear that parents feel BUT ALSO THAT SAME ANXIETY AND FEAR TEENS ARE FEELING. We are seeing record numbers of anxiety in teens currently as well as rates of depression and other mental health challenges. As someone whose life’s work has become about supporting teens and their parents, this is something that I find quite concerning. Parents seem concerned about this situation as well, particularly the ones I talk to and work with at our office. While I appreciate their concern and suggestions that their children need more “coping skills,” I would argue that they need much much more than that. Our teens need a world where it is expected and understood that they will mess up sometimes. Parents are often in my office trying to figure out how to direct their children, or discipline them, into making only the right choices without realizing that it is normal for all of us to screw up sometimes. Mistakes are where the learning is, particularly for teens who often learn best by doing rather than thinking. I suggest that we as a culture, and in our families, learn to embrace and celebrate mistakes and challenges that come up. The more we can encourage our children to take big risks and leaps, even if they might miss the mark, the better. This allows them to get hands on learning about how to handle disappointment, failure, and errors of their own judgment. If our teens and children are buffered from actually experiencing failures or challenge, but they hear all about how their lives could be forever impacted by mistakes or “wrong” choices in high school, this only sets the stage for a lifetime of fearing failure and experiencing anxiety. We need to communicate to them that it is okay to struggle and to fail as well as to make the wrong choices. While we will still hold them accountable for their choices, we can also love and support them through the process of repairing mistakes and relationships. This real life learning about our own humanity is much more valuable than any concrete list of coping skills I can provide. If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! We love talking about how to reduce feelings of fear and anxiety around parenting. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. So far in this blog series, I have talked a lot about what teens are struggling with. I wanted to take some time to also give context to what I see parents struggling with. I see so many parents making decisions from a place of anxiety and fear for their children. We fear that something is going to happen to them to hurt them. We fear that they are somehow not cut out to make it in our world. We see the world as both more competitive but also more dangerous and look at our children and are riddled with anxiety that they are just not going to be okay. That bad things might happen to them. They might not get into a good enough college. They might get hurt sometime. They will find out that they are not good enough for some things despite their best efforts. And the list goes on and on and on… We are parenting from a scared and anxious place and I have to say, this is what I see as most harmful for the upcoming generation. You see, our kids sense what we really think and believe about them. If we don’t think they are capable, you bet we are communicating that in ways we don’t even realize and it is impacting their thoughts about their abilities as well as their desire to take chances. If we have limiting beliefs about our children, unfortunately they are likely to have them as well. As the mother of a toddler as well as a psychologist who has spent my career so far working with children, teens, their parents, and families as a whole – I am so grateful for what I have learned. I have learned that it is better to parent from a place of faith and courage. We need to communicate to our kids that we believe in them, even when we are terrified that they might mess up or get their hearts broken. We need to communicate to our kids that it is okay to completely screw something up, fall down, and make a mess of things as that is often our path towards learning. We need to celebrate mistakes, failures, and terrible days as the chaos that brings change and learning in our lives and teach our kids that nothing comes to those who are comfortable and not challenged. I have to say that this is TOUGH stuff for us parents. Living in the information overload age, particularly with such a huge focus on what parents are doing or not doing, it is hard not to feel that we need to do SO much for our kids. We need to praise them in a certain way otherwise they will be messed up for life. We need to feed them all the right foods, or they will be messed up for life. And the list just goes on and on about how we as parents hold so much power. This is why parenting feels so relentless for us and is leading to parents struggling to let go and let their kids live their lives. Unfortunately, while I don’t believe in being super passive and laissez faire as parents, I do think we are overdoing it. And while we overdo it, we communicate the hidden fears and anxiety that underlies our tendency to do everything for our kids. And what we tell our kids is that we don’t think they can do it themselves. We don’t think they are going to be okay. We are worried about them and if they can handle this world of ours. Sometimes we even expect them to prove themselves before we give them responsibilities. Like we want our kids to show us they can pay rent on time, do their laundry, eat balanced meals, etc. before they can move out. Interestingly, many of them probably need to move out and see what it is like to make those mistakes and not do any of that so that they can figure out just how important those parts of life are. Many of us learn as we live, rather than learn before we live. Our teens are not different but they are lacking the confidence that they can figure things out. Which is sadly leading them to be more anxious, stressed, sad, and honestly terrified of being adults. One thing parents can do to help them is to just release some of their own fear. We need to accept that we just can’t protect our kids from the world, or from themselves and their mistakes. They are going to screw up, get hurt, fall down, and make mistakes. Some of them will be big. It is my belief though that the sooner we let them start this process of messing up, the odds are better that their mistakes will be manageable and that they will learn some resilience along the way. This will help them when the mistakes are bigger and the risks riskier – if we have experience picking ourselves up and repairing mistakes from our childhood, we will be better suited to do this when we need to as adults too. I am of the belief that we are raising independent humans that are their own people. Our jobs are really to love them, try to understand them, and encourage them to seek out the life they want. They are a story waiting to unfold, not a blank canvas that we get to paint. By: Dr. Erica WollermanAt Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanIn writing this blog series as well as in my daily work with parents, teens, and families in general, I reflect often on what is going on in our world that has led us to where we are. Stressed. Overwhelmed. Feeling not good enough. Worried about our futures. And I mean that parents and teens often feel all of those things pretty much daily. A common theme that I come up with in my reflections is that we have so much information. As a child of the 80’s, the level of information and resources that our children have access to on a daily basis just amazes me. I truly think it is a wonderful thing to have the internet and have such a breadth of information and ability to learn from others at our fingertips. While I might be a little nostalgic for those fond memories I have of looking through encyclopedias, I do recognize the improvement and progress in our world. Unfortunately, I also see that the development of technology is leaving all of us (not just teens) inundated with a constant stream of information. Instead of feeling comforted by the vast array of knowledge at our fingertips, it seems to only make us feel more anxious about our lives and futures as well as more aware of how we are not either living up to expectations or what others’ lives are like. We now have access to witness other people’s daily lives through YouTube, social media, reality TV, etc. We also have access to the immediate thoughts of almost anyone on the planet (hello Twitter and blogs and curated news feeds and advertisements on whatever social media platform we like). On a daily basis, there is not just a feeling of access to information, but information overload and overwhelm. I believe this leaves us feeling more stressed and uncertain in our own lives and choices. Consider what it is like to be a high school student who is feeling uncertain about their future and their college decision. Since so many of our choices are so well thought out and researched in our world, I think it makes choices where there is little certainty even more difficult. With the endless information, reviews, articles, opinions available to us, many of us do not take many chances in our decision making anymore. We research movies before taking the time to see them, we read reviews before we eat anything or go anywhere, and we definitely do research before purchasing something. While this is AMAZING and such a benefit, particularly for people with anxiety; it is dangerous to get so comfortable with relatively certain choices and less luck in our lives. I believe that there is so much in our lives that is actually up to chance and uncertain and that we can’t always control what happens. Making a decision about college is one of those things. While we can think we might know what we want (big or small school, city or more college centric area, east coast or west coast), we can’t possibly actually predict how we will experience any specific college. There are just too many elements to control – who your roommate is, what dorm you are in, how your first year professors are, if you even like your major, if you actually like the weather or area you anticipated liking when you spend 24-48 hours there one time. This choice is important and our teens feel it is the absolute most important decision they will make in their lives. It is also, not an outcome completely in our control. And if we don’t have experience making decisions and rolling with some level of uncertainty about how something will work out, it might be more difficult to cope and surrender if this important life decision feels not ideal once we get there. I think it is important for parents in our world to help model how to surrender to life’s chances and how to roll with unpleasant and unanticipated outcomes. Even just modeling for them that it is okay when everything does not go as planned (on a vacation, a day out, a class, a test, etc.) can help. If parents can model this and parent more form a place of grounded faith in their and their child’s ability to cope with whatever happens in this world, I believe it also helps them feel less uncertain and anxious about their own parenting choices and their child’s futures. The best part is that the more parents feel confident in their children, the more the kids feel confident too. And this actually helps them cope better when life does not go their way. This is definitely a win-win in my book! If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! We love talking about how to reduce feelings of fear and anxiety around parenting. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanWhile I am of the belief that there are more opportunities for all of us currently, particularly due to technology and our ever-changing world, I find that the families with whom I work do not often feel that there is an abundance of opportunity for their kids. It seems like currently there is much more of a feeling of scarcity rather than abundance when it comes to our children’s futures. This competitive attitude and feeling of “not enough” permeates our parenting climate these days, which also unfortunately filters down to our children to make them feel that if they are not “the best” or “perfect,” they’re not going to make it. This just leads to increased feelings of anxiety about the future. I am noticing that over time, more and more of the teens that I work with have fears about growing up and not being able to take care of themselves, despite being perfectly capable young people. Interestingly, this competitive climate impacts teens in other ways too. Some teens that I work with have shared that their peers at school are unlikely to help them if they are struggling with homework because they do not want their peers to succeed as it would mean that their own success would somehow be less valuable. I believe that this attitude of “me first” or “only some can succeed” is particularly toxic for teens as it reduces our likelihood to develop compassion or understanding for others’ and their experiences. I have so many conversations in my office where teens will share something that they believe very strongly and when I try to help them consider others’ perspectives, they at times really struggle. For example, when the topic of being transgender comes up and individuals who do not struggle with their gender identity or expression struggle to understand that experience. Or when the topic of wealth inequality and related challenges comes up and those who are from more affluent families struggle to understand what it would be like not to have enough. Many of the challenges that I see in our world relate to a basic lack of understanding of each other and lack of social perspective taking (which just means, even though you are living an experience that is unlike my own, I will try to see it from your perspective). And it makes sense that if we tell our kids that there is only so much (food, money, etc.) to go around, that they will worry if they will get what they need and then feel that they need to worry about that before helping others. In a way, they are putting on their own oxygen mask first, which while good advice in an emergency, is not a great way to learn about how to relate to others as a developing person in our world! I would encourage parents to consider ways they might be encouraging competition or scarcity mindsets in their families. I invite you to consider ways to adjust your message if you are. For example, when parents instill in their children a mindset that there is only one path to success (regardless of what that path is), it automatically makes them feel that if that path is not for them, they are not likely to be okay. This creates a feeling of scarcity as only those on the “right” path will be “okay” as adults. Consider the following differences:
If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! We love talking about how to support teens and help their parents communicate effectively with them about their futures! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
One of the most interesting observations that I have about our current generation of teens, is that they seem to be easily frustrated and upset when things do not go the way they would like. While some of this is definitely a part of being a teen, it definitely seems to also be a challenge rooted in growing up in our current culture. While it is ultimately up to the teen to learn how to cope with disappointment more effectively, it is helpful to look at some of the broader reasons why they may experience the world in this way.
One big factor I see impacting frustration tolerance development in our teens is that there are less opportunities for developing those skills in our “instant gratification” and overly tech focused world. When this topic comes up with parents of the teens that I work with, I often talk with parents about all the opportunities that they had to develop their emotional regulation skills to help them cope with disappointment and frustration. Remember when we didn’t have instant access to shows, movies, music, friends, etc. by using smart phones? While technology is definitely helping our world in many ways, a big impact of having so many things easily accessible at our fingertips as children whose brains are still developing, is that we have less opportunity for natural ways to develop frustration tolerance. Imagine this scenario – your toddler is crying because they want to watch something (Daniel Tiger anyone?). In the dark ages when I was a kid, we had to wait until that show came on, time watching TV at the time of the show, sit through commercials, and tolerate the frustration of not having the ability to have what we want right when we want it. Now, it is so easy to just play the show for them and it feels uncomfortable as a parent to choose not to give your child something without a reason. Additionally, there are usually minimal interruptions, commercials, and even waiting time for your child to get what they are asking for. And as the parent of a toddler myself, it is so tempting to just give them the things they want to avoid a horrible meltdown! While this is just one example, I think it is an important one because it is so common for all of us to use quick fixes to solve our kids’ problems. Consider the following:
It is just SO easy to access so much at our fingertips now. And as a parent it is easy to look at these examples as small examples but they all add up. Every quick fix for a kids’ upset feelings, disappointment, forgetfulness, adds up to a kid who is going to struggle more with managing those feelings and tasks in the future. As a parent, it is important to look at every mistake, challenge, emotion as an opportunity for our kid/teen to learn a valuable life lesson. Since problems are generally easier to solve in our world, we have to most likely create situations where we may even choose NOT to solve a problem, just so that our child can learn to tolerate the frustration of not getting something instantly. Another element to consider in this discussion is that parents are very focused on their children. While this is a great thing in terms of parent-child relationships and development, it can at times lead parents to “over solve” problems rather than to scaffold their child’s ability to solve the problem themselves. Scaffolding is a crucial part of teaching that applies to parenting and just means that when our child is not able to do something yet, we don’t dive in and just take over the task, we let them struggle with it first and then intervene just enough so that they can figure it out on their own. Pretty much, you want to help the least amount possible, rather than take over and accidentally do it for them. This allows children to understand the feeling of productive struggle that leads to solutions and progress. If we as parents are uncomfortable with struggle, we are likely to dive in too early and rescue them which avoids a child’s distress but also their learning about how to manage distress, frustration, and how to persevere when challenged. If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! We love talking about how to support teens and families develop more frustration tolerance and grit!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. |
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