Child, Teen and Adult Psychotherapy Services in San Diego
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2021 Intention Blog Post

12/19/2020

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So, for those of you who have been reading my blog for a while might know that I usually set an intention for each year around this time. 2020 has certainly not been a year where many of us have been able to keep our intentions, or resolutions for that matter. I debated about posting anything about setting an intention for next year as, well, I almost don’t want to put anything out into the world that will leave me disappointed! 

So much of the lessons of 2020 I think have involved digging deeper into ourselves and our relationships to figure out how we deal with extraordinary situations and difficulties. My word for this year ended up being Embrace (this is after a few revisions because I started with something else I believe). And well, as much as I might not like to say it, this is exactly what this year led me to do. I spent a lot of time leaning into and embracing things that have been hard and do feel that I have learned about myself, the world, and how to be a better mom, wife, person, and therapist. 

Do I dare consider setting an intention for 2021?  

I think I do. I would encourage you to as well to be honest. I think it is important to always consider how we can lean into or improve things in our lives, even during extraordinary times. 

My word for next year is going to be Generous. 

While I am often a very generous person, particularly at work and with my team, I struggle to be generous in the way I interpret my loved ones words or actions. The narrative that I come to most easily is often not the one that is kind and generous in spirit. I would truly like to work on this and considering the fact that 2021 seems like it might start out just as challenging as 2020 has been… I think there will likely be ample opportunities to practice my generosity!  

If you are considering setting an intention for the coming year, I applaud you!  I think it is brave right now to want things and to work on improving ourselves and our lives beyond just getting through the day. Throughout this pandemic, I have been so impressed with my clients who have kept on working through the things that come up rather than just hiding from all of it considering the immense pressures on all of us. 

For those of you who would rather not tempt fate and want to give 2021 some space to be an improvement on this year, I get it. I want it to be better too!  And it is entirely okay not to challenge yourself if that feels like too much. We need to all be compassionate and kind with ourselves right now. 

This is my last blog of 2020 as I will take a break for the holidays and resume in the New Year!  I hope everyone stays healthy and finds some silver linings in the messy world of ours. If we at Thrive can do anything to help support you or your loved ones, please don’t hesitate to reach out!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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5 Self Care Practices I Do Daily That are Quick and Free!

12/11/2020

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Many people think that therapists are somehow immune from struggling in the way everyone else does. I am pretty honest about this being entirely untrue - as any of you who regularly read my blog or follow me on social media would know! All of us could use a little bit of self-care so I thought I would share my favorite things that I do consistently, pretty much daily, in order to help keep myself as mentally okay as I can be… particularly as a therapist during a pandemic! 

I do want to just say that please, please keep in mind that self-care is not a cure all strategy. I have a healthy dose of skepticism about the “wellness industry” and how much they are pushing us all to spend on ourselves in the interests of self-care. They almost seem to be trying to sell the idea that if you engage in “this activity,” you will never feel pain again. While I definitely accept the fact that some level of struggle is just a part of being human, I do try to find ways to lessen the struggle when possible.  So while engaging in self-care is not a cure all strategy to never struggle again, it can be helpful to keep yourself hanging in there… which is all many of us can do in this wild 2020 ride. 

I also want to acknowledge that for many people, expensive self-care items or subscription boxes are just not realistic or practical. Plus, during a pandemic, many previous forms of self-care (going out with friends, massages, shopping, etc.) are just also not realistic. Additionally, many of us, particularly parents just don’t have the time for long self-care rituals. So, for this list I kept it as simple and free as possible. Plus, this is all actually what I do to keep myself functioning for my family, clients, and business. 

Okay, here’s my list! 
  1. Walk - Every day I start my day with a walk. While I often listen to a podcast or even spend that time getting a bit caught up on emails, I try to just enjoy being outside and enjoying nature. I find this helps me feel centered and grounded throughout the day. 
  2. Gratitude list - Every day I make a list of 10 things in my life that I am grateful for. I have been doing this for just over a year now and honestly, it really helps me shift my perspective. Plus, I find myself noticing things throughout the day that I want to include on the list later. So it definitely helps direct my attention towards things that are enjoyable in my life all day long. 
  3. Meditation - This is a practice that I sort of fall into and fall back out of. I recently began using Headspace daily again and have been really enjoying it! I’m really hoping that by including it in my blog that I will stick with it a bit longer than I have in the past. 
  4. Playing music with my toddler - As my son has gotten older, he is getting more and more interested in music. He is not always the most outgoing, so when he really gets into it and dances all over the place, it just fills my heart with joy. I have recently made it my intention to play music and sing and dance with him at least once a day.  
  5. Starting my day early - Now this one might not be for everyone… but for me, waking up before my family has become an important part of my daily routine. Early in motherhood, I learned that I really like it when our house is set up for the day. When things are already packed to take to daycare, the dishwasher is empty, sometimes breakfast is made, and I have time to gradually wake up. So, every day, I set my alarm a bit earlier than I need to and give myself the gift of time and some peace knowing that at least the day starts setup well and without frantic running around. I believe this helps reduce my feelings of overwhelm. 

I hope this is helpful for some of you!  Most of the activities I shared do not actually take that long and are pretty accessible even in the busiest households during a pandemic. If these ideas are not for you, maybe think up a few others. Maybe journaling, having coffee alone outside, reading a book, or taking a long shower could go on your list. Self-care does not need to be expensive or dramatic, often it is just little things we practice doing over and over that help us feel more grounded and centered. 
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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5 Action Steps To Work on Changing Your “Programming” or Unconscious Bias

11/14/2020

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So often, there are messages all around us that we take in unconsciously. These are messages about gender roles, what life “should” be like, perhaps what people “should” be like, and even more insidious messages about people who are either different from us or who live their lives differently than we do. 

The idea of understanding our unconscious biases and “programming” seems to be a hot topic and popular idea lately particularly with the rise in awareness about the divisions in our country and resulting reckoning many of us are having about race and privilege. 

Interestingly for me as a psychologist, helping people work on their programming is something I have done for a long time. We learn in undergraduate psychology classes that we are influenced easily by the world around us. I remember this being discussed a lot around topics like violence in the media as well as body image. 

However, in my day to day work with clients, the topic of messages and narratives we have taken in from the world, our parents, our communities, the media, etc. comes up all the time. The truth is, on a personal level, we all have some unconscious ideas of what we should or should not be doing or what we should or should not be like. The programming around being “good” or “bad” is something that I have talked about for years as I find it to be so problematic for kids and teens to feel shame around their mistakes or challenges (which is often what “bad” behavior is). 

If you are someone who is interested in doing deep work about your unconscious bias or programming you might have taken in about others or yourself, good news, therapists are here for you and can definitely help. If you want to try to do this work on your own, here are some suggestions to help you get started. 

  • Accept that this work is intense and challenging. You will need to exercise so much self-compassion and grace to help yourself through it that you should probably start some of those practices now before going any further. 
  • Recognize that we inherently hide the parts of ourselves that are viewed as less desirable. This “shadow” part of ourselves is the part with the most bias and will be brought to the surface and to consciousness so that you can directly work on it. This is difficult but totally part of the process of integrating so that you can live your life more intentionally. Oh and by the way, this is just a part of being human and not something to be ashamed of. Repeat all self-compassion activities and practices throughout this! 
  • Once you are on board with the above two, start paying a lot of attention to your reactions, thoughts, and feelings. Most of us suppress the part of us that is hard for the world to love and it bubbles up in strange ways. Sometimes it is through a reaction that seems to not match the situation. Sometimes it is through what we hide from the people we trust the most. Often, a rule for me in therapy is that when my clients start to tear up or shy away from a topic, that is the most important topic for us at that moment. It is the things that scare us and that we hide that are most important to explore. 
  • It could also help while you are trying to increase your attention and awareness of yourself to try not to numb or at least reduce numbing activities like TV, emotional eating, alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, etc. Even if you continue to do these things (which is totally understandable of course particularly during an ever lingering pandemic), make sure to just notice why you are doing them and the feelings and thoughts and reactions you have about them. Most of us have shame about our less healthy coping strategies. 
  • After you are getting used to paying attention to your reactions, it is helpful to figure out how to put them into words and try to connect them to things you learned in your family, society, or within your relationships. Connecting the dots can help you understand how you got where you are. Articulating exactly what you think, feel, and are reacting to is helpful in learning to intentionally choose a different narrative either for yourself or others or the world. This part is sometimes best done in thinking about the narrative you have around who or what you think you should be like. For example, with parents, myself included, it can be hard to recognize that despite our best efforts, we are going to screw up sometimes. We are going to say the wrong thing or miss something we later feel we should have understood. That’s honestly part of the parenting journey but I think most of us have an unconscious expectation of ourselves that we need to be perfect at parenting. Especially in whatever way we feel our parents failed us. 

For example, my parents were not always great at managing my willful spirit as a kid. I mean, the book “raising a difficult child” was often on my mom’s nightstand and we had numerous power struggles a day. So, here I am years and many hours of therapy later plus experience working with parents and kids in therapy… you might think I would have this figured out and know just exactly how to approach my son, who is also quite willful. And here it is… I don’t. I think sometimes I do a great job at understanding him and sometimes, it is harder than I like to admit. I realized when he was a baby that I had this unrealistic expectation of myself that because I am who I am (therapist, fellow sensitive human, parent “expert”), I would never screw up particularly around managing his behaviors and emotions, or even just my reactions. And the truth is, nope. I screw up too. The important thing is that I know this is okay and have recognized that the shame I feel is just because I have programming around both being willful and sensitive as a child, but also around who I should be as a mom. 

All of these concepts are a lot to put in one blog but I wanted to try!  I think it is so important that people not familiar with therapy can understand a lot of what those of us practicing deep work with our clients are working on week after week. Building self-awareness is honestly really intense and challenging work but so rewarding. I have seen so much growth and change not just in my clients, but in myself by challenging myself to become as integrated of a person as possible. If you would like help doing the same, please feel free to call us at Thrive! 
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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What if we all talked to ourselves like we did our kids?

10/30/2020

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For so many parents, it is so hard to cultivate a mindset of positivity towards ourselves. Particularly for those of us who are super perfectionistic and are truly trying to achieve that super-parent life that we seem to believe everyone else is living. You know, doing all the things, all the time. It’s easy to feel like we are failing when our standards are unrealistic. 

I find that the pandemic has exacerbated this situation for so many of us and while in the beginning, I think it felt acceptable to release expectations and let our lives be a bit different - you know, messier, or less grinding towards goals - now, 7 months and counting, I think many of us have ramped up those expectations again. 

I think it is important to always keep in mind the fact that being hard on ourselves is the least productive thing we can do. You see, when we are hard on ourselves about everything and truly feel like if we are not perfectly doing everything that we are failing, we end up adding unneeded guilt and shame to our lives. These feelings not only take a toll on how we are feeling but they also add in a lot of emotional labor to engage in. We either spend time avoiding those feelings, projecting them onto others, or trying to heal them. 

I would suggest that our time is better used by spending it on working on the way we talk to ourselves. Rather than demanding more of ourselves all the time and being relentless in our guilt when we screw up, what if we talked to ourselves the way we would talk to a small child, baby, or even kitten or puppy?  Most of us, particularly parents will be kinder to others than ourselves and using a dose of self-compassion can be infinitely more helpful than anything else in terms of helping us feel calm, grounded, and confident that we can do hard things. 

Here are some ideas for putting this into practice…
“I see that you are struggling with that, let’s take a break and come back to it.” 
“It’s okay to be sad, overwhelmed, angry (etc.)” 
“What can we do to make this situation better”
“You can do this” 
“Eventually, things will be okay” 
“This feeling is temporary” 


The more we can approach ourselves with loving, kindness the better we will feel. And guess what, then we can also approach our loved ones with even more loving kindness as well. Plus we are then modeling for them how to manage their emotions a bit more effectively! 

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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Why I choose to believe in people, even when it’s hard

10/9/2020

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The world just seems like a tough place to be a person these days. Or at least our country does. Things are so divided and people really seem to believe that anyone not on “their team” is the true enemy and some sort of bad person. While I could probably go on and on a bit about the social psychology behind this (in group/out group bias anyone? Black and white thinking anyone?) OR about how this is all encouraged by social media, I think it might be more helpful to share a bit about how I try to make sense of things to help myself cope when things feel challenging. 

For me, the key is this… Even when the world feels like an awful place, I believe that people are doing the best they can in their situation. I try hard to remember that people are just people and that most people are genuinely trying to do the right thing, whatever they think that might be. 

The follow up is this… the best they can does not always look like the best that you think they should have been able to do or the best you believe you would have been able to do in their position. 

Sometimes the best you can do on one day is not the best you would be able to do on another day. As people, our performance, decision making, and general abilities are not always consistent from moment to moment. And for me, this is an important principle to think about more in reality and less theoretically. 

For example, when you hear a story about someone on paper making a mistake, it is easy to theoretically think, “well they should have done this.” Or it’s easy for a sports fan to be a critic of the plays called and the mistakes made that led to their team losing the game. However, it is a much different thing to be the person out there making those mistakes or decisions under pressure and with a million other variables that are going to impact performance. While I would most likely not be willing to bet that even a top performing player will always come through in the end when it counts, I would bet anything that they would try their best because they are working for something of significant value to them. 

The thing is that I also believe that people generally try their best to do the right thing… we just might not agree about what “right” means. Sports are easy examples because the goals are obvious - to win as much as possible. Life is generally more complicated than that. Our values and personal goals are not always so easy to communicate, identify, or even in our own awareness. Here’s what I have come to also believe given my line of work, there is always a reason why people do things the way they do. Plus, we are more alike than we are different. 


While this lens can be challenging at times, particularly in our current climate socially and politically, I find that this lens helps me make sense of things and helps me keep more of an open mind and a kind, compassionate hard with everyone even when we don’t necessarily agree about things. To help me with this, I try to ask myself what is the most generous or compassionate interpretation of this situation?  Especially with the people I am closest to, I find that this is the lens that helps me understand them but also how we can connect and understand each other better. It's way better than creating a narrative in my head about how I am right and everyone else is wrong. And when I say it is better, I mean that it is better for me, my peace of mind, but also for my relationships.


While we all face the upcoming turmoil that seems anticipated for the coming election season in addition to the unrest already at play in our world, I hope this is a helpful reflection for some of our readers! 
​At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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We stand with Black Lives Matter

6/11/2020

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An Open Letter to the Thrive Community and Friends 

First, I want to apologize for my delay in writing this letter. I have struggled with finding the exact right words to say in this moment to all of you. I have worried that I would say the wrong thing or represent our amazing, and diverse, team in the wrong way. However, I realized that my silence feels far more uncomfortable than possible missteps or mistakes will. More than that, some might interpret my silence as a lack of solidarity and support for communities that I hold dear. 

I am writing this letter to make sure it is completely, unequivocally, clear as to where Thrive as an organization stands, and where I stand as both Thrive’s leader, but also in every role in my life. In the past, I have not commented professionally on systems of oppression in our country and have kept my social justice beliefs more private and limited to my personal life. 

The events of the past few weeks have weighed heavily on my heart and soul but not nearly as heavily as centuries of oppression have weighed on Black people in this country. At Thrive and as a psychologist, I stand with the Black Lives Matter Movement and am entirely in support of making systemic changes in both our country but also in our lives, communities, conversations, hearts, and our office. 

I will not keep silent and I am committed to acting with determination and integrity to combat racism to do my part to help undo centuries of damage that has brought us here. 

I am actively working to be anti-racist in my own life and to learn more about my own privilege and how that may impact the lives of those around me. I believe that it is my responsibility as a person with significant privilege to use that privilege to help drive change in our world and communities. It is my responsibility to listen to voices that have long been silenced and to then use that knowledge for change. 
I stand not only with Black Lives Matter but with each and every marginalized and oppressed group in our country. 

I believe that we as a society have a lot of work to do and that we can do better to serve those who are most vulnerable. As Thrive’s leader, I am working to consider ways to better serve our community and am here to listen and work to understand how we can do so moving forward. 

As Maya Angelou said, “do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”  This is my plan moving forward for myself and Thrive.
 

Respectfully and Lovingly, 
Erica 

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Can we "cancel" the word "should?"

5/23/2020

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"As it should be"
“You should”
“I should”

 How often do we all hear some variation of these kinds of statements either within ourselves and our thoughts or from others in our world? We are all inundated with information about what we “should” be doing which essentially becomes a list of the ways we are failing or also a way for others to impress upon us their values and what they think about our lives, choices, etc.
 
I’ve personally decided that I’m done with statements like that. You see, as a recovering perfectionist, these statements are like poison for my brain. In the past, I would agonize over the shoulds in the world and use them as ammunition against myself. My list of shoulds was a list of failures and ways to remind myself that I’m lacking.
 
I notice a trend right now in my work and that’s that a lot of people seem to be bumping up against their ideal expectations of others, or themselves. Fueled by perfect images on social media or just our own thoughts of what we ‘should’ or what our kids or partners ‘should’ be like or be doing right now. I feel concerned about how much this is going to impact all of us going forward as the mixed messages between “take care of yourself - it’s a pandemic” and “you should really get your beach body, have a color-coded parenting chart, etc.” are just downright confusing. Additionally, we are all operating in more isolation than we have in the past, so we have less positive input from others as well as less opportunities to feel supported interpersonally. This leads us to be ripe for insecurity and uncertainty about our choices - and especially vulnerable to shaming statements that lead with the idea of “should.”
 
It’s important to note that our ideal thoughts of who we should be or want to be are just that, an ideal. It’s great if you use the idea of your ideal self as motivation in a kind, self-compassionate way, but once we weaponize the ideal- trouble is coming. Here come the shame and shoulds and feelings of “not enough.” As I mentioned, during this challenging time in our world, any increased feelings of internal struggle or shame are just going to make this harder to get through in a healthy way.
 
Here are some strategies that I use to help myself through the “shoulds” when they come my way, either from myself or my well-meaning loved ones.
 

Find the narrative
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When I find myself feeling either overwhelmed, irritated with obligations or people, sad, or in a state of shame, I have learned to try to pause and think things through before reacting too much. I try to check in with myself to see what the narrative or story is that I am telling myself about the situation.
 

Recognize when your expectations are unrealistic and based in ideals
When we have expectations of ourselves based on ideals, they are usually rooted more in fantasy rather than reality. For example, I bump up on the idea that as a mom who is also a therapist and parent consultant, I should always be able to set effective boundaries with my son. He’s a toddler by the way, so most of you reading this probably know that this is entirely unrealistic. Because in my head, effective boundaries equal him listening to me when I ask him to do things. And well, that apparently is not the way it goes on any day ending in y! So, this is one of those expectations that was unconscious and unknown until the quarantine as we are home so much more with him to feel tested and a lack of patience. And the moments when I am at my least patient and just want him to listen are the times that then I start having the “shoulds” come in. Thoughts like “If only I was parenting better, he would listen all the time” or “a better therapist would always be caring and patient with a toddler” and my favorite, “when I babysat and nannied, the kids listened to me and I didn’t take it all so personally.” This last one is my favorite, because I honestly know deep in my heart that kids generally listen better to everyone but their parents. But when it’s my kid not listening to me, it feels so much harder!
 

Figure out the language so you can pay attention and reframe it
This is the entire idea of this blog… We need to figure out what language is a good cue to pay attention to so that we can take a step back and work through our expectations a bit more. For me, “should” is a big one as well as anytime I bump up on ideal kinds of expectations which honestly almost always include the word “should” as well. However, others might have other words that come up while feeling this way or that trigger these feelings. It is up to all of us to try and figure out how we interact with language, expectations, and ideals so that we can better manage our responses.
 

Ask is there a deeper emotional need you would like to tend to? 
Sometimes, actually probably often, I have found that if I am feeling frustrated about someone else’s “shoulds” for me or my own, it might indicate a lack of balance or unresolved feelings about a decision I have made. I think that it is crucial for parents to try to learn to check in with themselves about their own needs and if they are being met to help make sure we are reacting from a place of intention and more of our best selves. Even in our current “shelter in place” situations, we need to try to figure out what is missing and what on earth we can do about it.
 
I hope these ideas are helpful for you!  Most of all, hang in there parents!  At Thrive, we are happy to help support you and your family if you are struggling right now!  We are accepting new referrals both for individual therapy and parent consultation but also group therapy!  We have three groups currently – Teen Anxiety, Young Adult, and Parent Support. Check out this page for more information!
 
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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The Relentlessness of Parenting, Coronavirus Edition

4/30/2020

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As a therapist, business owner, and mom myself, I have reflected often on the relentless nature of modern parenting. The standards and ideals many of us hold very dear and genuinely feel are important, if not vital, are challenging in our typical lives. Now we have the challenge of living during a global pandemic which is placing an unreasonable amount of pressure on parents, particularly parents of kids who are not entirely independent and working parents.
 
We are also getting mixed signals in the world about how to handle this… do we relax our expectations?  Do we just need to get even more efficient and sleep less to get everything we need to get done?  Do we need more color-coded charts perhaps?
 
I am of the belief that we likely will need to relax our expectations of ourselves in order to survive this situation as well as we can. We are just not going to be able to meet every deliverable at work, be our best parenting selves 24 hours a day, and have our lives look up to our ideal standards (whatever that might be for you).
 
Without the government stepping in and providing more relief to parents, this is an unsustainable situation for most of us. While we might be able to do it for a short period of time, when we start talking about many many more months, parents deservedly start wondering what in the world are we going to do?  The choices many parents are facing feel pretty grim as none of them feel like the “right” thing to do. Many of us have the privilege that we have not had to face a list of options that all feel terrible but are the only things we can do in a given situation. What a rude awakening we are having!
 
Here are some of the questions parents are facing…
  • Do I send my medically fragile child back to daycare so I can get work done?
  • Do I involve other family members and risk exposing them to Coronavirus so that I can get work done?
  • Do I take a leave of absence from work?
  • Do I just not get my work done even though that places my job/career at risk and I clearly have bills to pay?
  • Do I just give up and let my kids watch TV all day?
  • Do I stop paying my bills so I can hire a babysitter? 
  • Do we crowd source and share child care with other families?
 
Additionally, parents are feeling so mixed about almost any choice we make. When all of the choices have very clear negatives but there is not one that is guaranteed to be better/easier/manageable, it puts us in an uncomfortable position. Often, I would say we are faced in the most direct way possible with the truth that we cannot do it all. Definitely not right now, and I would argue most likely not ever because the standards have always been unrealistic. However, in order to cope and survive, we as families are having to lower our bars even more, which is uncomfortable particularly for those of us who are perfectionistic and already felt that we were not entirely doing things “ideally.”
 
I wanted to write about this as I feel that parents need to know they are not alone. So many of the parents I speak to feel alone in this and like they are the only ones struggling. I am here to tell you that you are not. This is really hard and most parents I know are really having a hard time.
 
Our coping is going to need a dramatic overhaul in the coming weeks. It is likely not going to be good enough to just take 5 minutes for yourself a day or to throw yourself even more into color coded charts. We are going to need to take some deep looks at our lives, values, and priorities and make some really tough decisions. While there are certainly no quick fixes, and often there are going to be no “right” or “perfect” or even “good enough” answers, we need to work on how we relate to ourselves through this situation.
 
The kinder, more compassionate, and gentle we can be with ourselves – the better. While I may not be able to solve the challenges your family is facing, I can offer some thoughts of ways to work in some self-compassion.
 
  1. Daily affirmations – Practice talking to yourself as you would to a loved one. Remind yourself you are doing the best you can and that you will get through this somehow. This is a season of our lives that will not last forever.
  2. Gratitude – Whatever it is, practicing gratitude for the small wins or positives in your life will help.
  3. Journal - Letting yourself acknowledge the challenges you are having and how you are feeling is powerful in feeling less confused or conflicted about what you are feeling. This can help you cope and feel less stressed.
 
In times of transition and change, the most important thing for all of us is to try to be flexible and understanding with ourselves. We need to re-define our parenting ideals and make it okay for parents to be imperfect and to have that be okay. I always tell clients in my office that perfect parents are not welcome or even helpful for kids.
 
Kids and teens need us to be imperfect and to show them how to relate to our challenges and mistakes with compassion so that they can do the same. If you are struggling in this situation to communicate the way you want with your child or maybe you are losing your patience, being inconsistent, or whatever other “parenting no-no” you are having – work on repairing with them and with yourself. Talk to them and let them know you love them and are trying your best.
 
Most of all, hang in there parents. This is really hard and there is a crazy amount of pressure on us these days. Let’s not add to it ourselves with even more expectations!

As always, we at Thrive are here for parents and teens, particularly during this unprecedented time in our world. We want to help you make the most of the pandemic but also help you cope with it if you are struggling. Please make sure to balance any advice you are taking with a healthy dose of self-care and realistic expectations!​
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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How to Support Your Loved Ones During Coronavirus

4/24/2020

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Dr. Erica Wollerman shares all about what people are truly looking for while in a place of struggle. 

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I’ve been reflecting a lot about how things have been going for many of us, particularly those of us who have been struggling to manage our stress or feelings during the current pandemic and shelter in place orders.
 
Which is possibly, all of us at one time or another.
 
I think this situation is highlighting the challenges our society has had with many, many things and how we handle emotions is really just one of them. It is, however, a big one.
 
Especially right now and especially for those of us who access our emotions more readily.
 
I had some thoughts about what others could do to help and wanted to share them!
 
The biggest suggestion I have is this… Be the person who cares to listen to the truth when you ask someone how they are. Be brave enough to just listen rather than trying to fix it. Especially now... our world feels lonely and even those who are surrounded by people might feel unseen and unheard. Let’s hold off on any problem solving for a while as it places pressure on us to have what just IS, not BE.
 
I personally am well equipped to help people experience their emotions mostly because I am a therapist and it is literally what I do all day. While it can be a challenge, it is valuable beyond measure for people to feel connected, seen, head, and understood. I am personally of the belief that this is what most of us are truly craving while we are in a place of struggle.
 
Unfortunately, when people offer suggestions too quickly, it takes us out of a place of connection of equals and puts us in a place of feeling that emotions are to be avoided and need to be fixed. It can create an expert-subordinate kind of dynamic that just does not feel like connection but like you are in trouble for your emotions or shouldn’t have them.  
 
For example, recently I was sharing about my grief related to changes in my life due to the coronavirus pandemic. I have been preparing to create and launch an online course (surprise!) for many months and have had this planned to roll out this year. Unfortunately, due to the current situation and our lack of child care it is just not realistic for me to continue working on this right now. I was sharing about how sad this is and have heard a lot of suggestions and comments that sound like this…
 
  • Maybe you can still...
  • Maybe you can create time for it somehow…
  • Maybe you need to focus on this, it’s really important… 
  • But it’s such a good idea and you really want to do it…
 
While these comments and suggestions were genuinely meant to be helpful and supportive - they were after all encouraging me towards my goals - they did not feel helpful or supportive but like more pressure that I don’t need. As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve struggled with managing expectations of myself during this time of change and transition. It has happened so quickly that I first resented the changes and held so tight to my previous goals. This just led me to feel so much anxiety and pressure. Why? Because my previous expectations and goals are no longer realistic. I’m able to work maybe 60% of the time I was before and comparably to other parents with young kids, that’s actually amazing. I’m lucky to do that. However, I still have a business to run and clients to see and a family to help support emotionally and financially and that means that some of my other goals are just going to have to be on the back burner for a bit. This doesn’t mean I am giving up, not managing my time well, or that there is some solution for this that I couldn’t find (and need someone else’s help to find for that matter) – it means I am accepting reality on its terms.
 
If someone tells you something is just not realistic for them right now, believe them. Honor their pain and struggle that it took to tell you that and hold space for them to be sad about the conclusion they drew that is inevitable. I know this is uncomfortable because a lot of us like to believe nice ideas about life like, “you can do anything.” I’m here as a mama-business owner- and generally tired person saying, nope. I can’t do anything. It’s not worth the stress or burnout so I am just going to do what is possible and enjoy the process as much as I can.
 
This has been a theme in my sessions with clients recently too. More of us, particularly those of us characterized as sensitive, need less problem solving and more genuine support. We just need someone to listen and hear our pain and struggle, not someone to help us take it away.
 
There are two things people are looking for in emotional conversations…
  • To feel seen and understood
  • Connection with a person who cares
 
Unfortunately, when you meet emotion and a search for connection with problem solving all you end up with is disconnection. Feeling less understood. And for me I also have to then renegotiate my new expectations with myself all over again because not only do I have perfectionistic tendencies that I work on daily, I also have people pleasing tendencies.
 
This is a time of change for many, especially those of us who struggled already to have reasonable expectations of ourselves. For those of you who love a perfectionist, please be gentle in your support and suggestions. I know it does not feel like you are doing anything when you just listen and confirm that our lives are indeed challenging, but this is EVERYTHING when someone is emotional.
 

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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How parents can help teens feel less alone during Covid-19 pandemic

4/4/2020

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There is no easy way to tell a teen that schools might not even go back to session this academic year as many of them are struggling with dealing with feelings of loneliness and frustration at having to stay home with their families right now. This is so understandable considering that teens are at an age where they are going to crave connection with their peers, not with their families.
I think that there is no easy way to deal with the feelings of loneliness that are going to come up for teens as a result of social/physical distancing. What I mean is that I don’t think teens are magically going to feel better until this situation is over. However, I think there are some things parents can do to support them and help them get through this situation.
  • Allow honest dialogue and conversation
    • I think one crucial part of any coping response is going to be to engage in a conversation with your teen about how they are doing right now. Letting them sharer openly how frustrated, sad, and lonely they are will help them to feel connected and heard. During a time when I think it is easy to feel unseen, helping our teens feel seen and connected with us is going to be crucial in helping them get to a place of coping.
  • Show compassion and understanding
    • While talking with them, please do not be condescending about the things they are sad about. When you are a teen, you just don’t have the same perspective that adults do and it truly can feel like the world is over if you don’t get to have prom, that date you were excited about, play in the key game, etc. These are big events that kids are missing and we need to honor that by showing them compassion and empathy.
  • Validate how they are feeling and join them in sharing that you may be struggling with feeling isolated as well
    • Go beyond just being understanding and let your teen know that it makes sense that they are struggling with this situation and feeling lonely. You can even note that it is totally a natural reaction particularly at their age and let them know if you are feeling the same way. Please do not share platitudes or criticize them for their reactions. We are all grieving what our lives used to be like and they are allowed to have their feelings too. Let them know however they feel is okay and that they are not alone.
  • Come up with strategies and ideas together
    • If you follow the above steps during a talk (or over several talks), hopefully your teen will then feel supported enough to be able to engage in a conversation about how to make the best of the situation we are all in. Try not to bypass the above steps and force your teen into strategizing before they feel ready – this will create more defensiveness and reluctance to engage in that part of the conversation and will not get you what you want, which is a teen who is coping better.
 
From there, your goal is to elicit ideas from your teen as to how they can get through this situation. You can offer ideas, but try not to make them one big to do list of things they need to accomplish. I think one byproduct of having a slower pace in our lives is that our teens can get some much needed down time right now. Let’s encourage that and allow them to figure out new things they might want to try or new ways to connect with friends.

If you are struggling in parenting your teen or your teen is struggling, please reach out for help!  We are offering video therapy sessions throughout CA and have openings for new clients today!
 


At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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Thrive Therapy Studio Therapists Offer Child, Teen, Adult, Marriage and Family Psychotherapy Counseling Services in San Diego, California.

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