Thrive Therapy Blog

We stand with Black Lives Matter

6/11/2020

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An Open Letter to the Thrive Community and Friends

First, I want to apologize for my delay in writing this letter. I have struggled with finding the exact right words to say in this moment to all of you. I have worried that I would say the wrong thing or represent our amazing, and diverse, team in the wrong way. However, I realized that my silence feels far more uncomfortable than possible missteps or mistakes will. More than that, some might interpret my silence as a lack of solidarity and support for communities that I hold dear.

I am writing this letter to make sure it is completely, unequivocally, clear as to where Thrive as an organization stands, and where I stand as both Thrive’s leader, but also in every role in my life. In the past, I have not commented professionally on systems of oppression in our country and have kept my social justice beliefs more private and limited to my personal life.

The events of the past few weeks have weighed heavily on my heart and soul but not nearly as heavily as centuries of oppression have weighed on Black people in this country. At Thrive and as a psychologist, I stand with the Black Lives Matter Movement and am entirely in support of making systemic changes in both our country but also in our lives, communities, conversations, hearts, and our office.

I will not keep silent and I am committed to acting with determination and integrity to combat racism to do my part to help undo centuries of damage that has brought us here.

I am actively working to be anti-racist in my own life and to learn more about my own privilege and how that may impact the lives of those around me. I believe that it is my responsibility as a person with significant privilege to use that privilege to help drive change in our world and communities. It is my responsibility to listen to voices that have long been silenced and to then use that knowledge for change.
I stand not only with Black Lives Matter but with each and every marginalized and oppressed group in our country.

I believe that we as a society have a lot of work to do and that we can do better to serve those who are most vulnerable. As Thrive’s leader, I am working to consider ways to better serve our community and am here to listen and work to understand how we can do so moving forward.

As Maya Angelou said, “do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” This is my plan moving forward for myself and Thrive.

Respectfully and Lovingly,
Erica

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Can we "cancel" the word "should?"

5/23/2020

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"As it should be"
“You should”
“I should”

How often do we all hear some variation of these kinds of statements either within ourselves and our thoughts or from others in our world? We are all inundated with information about what we “should” be doing which essentially becomes a list of the ways we are failing or also a way for others to impress upon us their values and what they think about our lives, choices, etc.

I’ve personally decided that I’m done with statements like that. You see, as a recovering perfectionist, these statements are like poison for my brain. In the past, I would agonize over the shoulds in the world and use them as ammunition against myself. My list of shoulds was a list of failures and ways to remind myself that I’m lacking.

I notice a trend right now in my work and that’s that a lot of people seem to be bumping up against their ideal expectations of others, or themselves. Fueled by perfect images on social media or just our own thoughts of what we ‘should’ or what our kids or partners ‘should’ be like or be doing right now. I feel concerned about how much this is going to impact all of us going forward as the mixed messages between “take care of yourself - it’s a pandemic” and “you should really get your beach body, have a color-coded parenting chart, etc.” are just downright confusing. Additionally, we are all operating in more isolation than we have in the past, so we have less positive input from others as well as less opportunities to feel supported interpersonally. This leads us to be ripe for insecurity and uncertainty about our choices - and especially vulnerable to shaming statements that lead with the idea of “should.”

It’s important to note that our ideal thoughts of who we should be or want to be are just that, an ideal. It’s great if you use the idea of your ideal self as motivation in a kind, self-compassionate way, but once we weaponize the ideal- trouble is coming. Here come the shame and shoulds and feelings of “not enough.” As I mentioned, during this challenging time in our world, any increased feelings of internal struggle or shame are just going to make this harder to get through in a healthy way.

Here are some strategies that I use to help myself through the “shoulds” when they come my way, either from myself or my well-meaning loved ones.

Find the narrative
When I find myself feeling either overwhelmed, irritated with obligations or people, sad, or in a state of shame, I have learned to try to pause and think things through before reacting too much. I try to check in with myself to see what the narrative or story is that I am telling myself about the situation.

Recognize when your expectations are unrealistic and based in ideals
When we have expectations of ourselves based on ideals, they are usually rooted more in fantasy rather than reality. For example, I bump up on the idea that as a mom who is also a therapist and parent consultant, I should always be able to set effective boundaries with my son. He’s a toddler by the way, so most of you reading this probably know that this is entirely unrealistic. Because in my head, effective boundaries equal him listening to me when I ask him to do things. And well, that apparently is not the way it goes on any day ending in y! So, this is one of those expectations that was unconscious and unknown until the quarantine as we are home so much more with him to feel tested and a lack of patience. And the moments when I am at my least patient and just want him to listen are the times that then I start having the “shoulds” come in. Thoughts like “If only I was parenting better, he would listen all the time” or “a better therapist would always be caring and patient with a toddler” and my favorite, “when I babysat and nannied, the kids listened to me and I didn’t take it all so personally.” This last one is my favorite, because I honestly know deep in my heart that kids generally listen better to everyone but their parents. But when it’s my kid not listening to me, it feels so much harder!

Figure out the language so you can pay attention and reframe it
This is the entire idea of this blog… We need to figure out what language is a good cue to pay attention to so that we can take a step back and work through our expectations a bit more. For me, “should” is a big one as well as anytime I bump up on ideal kinds of expectations which honestly almost always include the word “should” as well. However, others might have other words that come up while feeling this way or that trigger these feelings. It is up to all of us to try and figure out how we interact with language, expectations, and ideals so that we can better manage our responses.

Ask is there a deeper emotional need you would like to tend to?
Sometimes, actually probably often, I have found that if I am feeling frustrated about someone else’s “shoulds” for me or my own, it might indicate a lack of balance or unresolved feelings about a decision I have made. I think that it is crucial for parents to try to learn to check in with themselves about their own needs and if they are being met to help make sure we are reacting from a place of intention and more of our best selves. Even in our current “shelter in place” situations, we need to try to figure out what is missing and what on earth we can do about it.

I hope these ideas are helpful for you! Most of all, hang in there parents! At Thrive, we are happy to help support you and your family if you are struggling right now! We are accepting new referrals both for individual therapy and parent consultation but also group therapy! We have three groups currently – Teen Anxiety, Young Adult, and Parent Support. Check out this page for more information!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

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The Relentlessness of Parenting, Coronavirus Edition

4/30/2020

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As a therapist, business owner, and mom myself, I have reflected often on the relentless nature of modern parenting. The standards and ideals many of us hold very dear and genuinely feel are important, if not vital, are challenging in our typical lives. Now we have the challenge of living during a global pandemic which is placing an unreasonable amount of pressure on parents, particularly parents of kids who are not entirely independent and working parents.

We are also getting mixed signals in the world about how to handle this… do we relax our expectations? Do we just need to get even more efficient and sleep less to get everything we need to get done? Do we need more color-coded charts perhaps?

I am of the belief that we likely will need to relax our expectations of ourselves in order to survive this situation as well as we can. We are just not going to be able to meet every deliverable at work, be our best parenting selves 24 hours a day, and have our lives look up to our ideal standards (whatever that might be for you).

Without the government stepping in and providing more relief to parents, this is an unsustainable situation for most of us. While we might be able to do it for a short period of time, when we start talking about many many more months, parents deservedly start wondering what in the world are we going to do? The choices many parents are facing feel pretty grim as none of them feel like the “right” thing to do. Many of us have the privilege that we have not had to face a list of options that all feel terrible but are the only things we can do in a given situation. What a rude awakening we are having!

Here are some of the questions parents are facing…

Do I send my medically fragile child back to daycare so I can get work done?
Do I involve other family members and risk exposing them to Coronavirus so that I can get work done?
Do I take a leave of absence from work?
Do I just not get my work done even though that places my job/career at risk and I clearly have bills to pay?
Do I just give up and let my kids watch TV all day?
Do I stop paying my bills so I can hire a babysitter?
Do we crowd source and share child care with other families?

Additionally, parents are feeling so mixed about almost any choice we make. When all of the choices have very clear negatives but there is not one that is guaranteed to be better/easier/manageable, it puts us in an uncomfortable position. Often, I would say we are faced in the most direct way possible with the truth that we cannot do it all. Definitely not right now, and I would argue most likely not ever because the standards have always been unrealistic. However, in order to cope and survive, we as families are having to lower our bars even more, which is uncomfortable particularly for those of us who are perfectionistic and already felt that we were not entirely doing things “ideally.”

I wanted to write about this as I feel that parents need to know they are not alone. So many of the parents I speak to feel alone in this and like they are the only ones struggling. I am here to tell you that you are not. This is really hard and most parents I know are really having a hard time.

Our coping is going to need a dramatic overhaul in the coming weeks. It is likely not going to be good enough to just take 5 minutes for yourself a day or to throw yourself even more into color coded charts. We are going to need to take some deep looks at our lives, values, and priorities and make some really tough decisions. While there are certainly no quick fixes, and often there are going to be no “right” or “perfect” or even “good enough” answers, we need to work on how we relate to ourselves through this situation.

The kinder, more compassionate, and gentle we can be with ourselves – the better. While I may not be able to solve the challenges your family is facing, I can offer some thoughts of ways to work in some self-compassion.

Daily affirmations – Practice talking to yourself as you would to a loved one. Remind yourself you are doing the best you can and that you will get through this somehow. This is a season of our lives that will not last forever.
Gratitude – Whatever it is, practicing gratitude for the small wins or positives in your life will help.
Journal - Letting yourself acknowledge the challenges you are having and how you are feeling is powerful in feeling less confused or conflicted about what you are feeling. This can help you cope and feel less stressed.

In times of transition and change, the most important thing for all of us is to try to be flexible and understanding with ourselves. We need to re-define our parenting ideals and make it okay for parents to be imperfect and to have that be okay. I always tell clients in my office that perfect parents are not welcome or even helpful for kids.

Kids and teens need us to be imperfect and to show them how to relate to our challenges and mistakes with compassion so that they can do the same. If you are struggling in this situation to communicate the way you want with your child or maybe you are losing your patience, being inconsistent, or whatever other “parenting no-no” you are having – work on repairing with them and with yourself. Talk to them and let them know you love them and are trying your best.

Most of all, hang in there parents. This is really hard and there is a crazy amount of pressure on us these days. Let’s not add to it ourselves with even more expectations!

As always, we at Thrive are here for parents and teens, particularly during this unprecedented time in our world. We want to help you make the most of the pandemic but also help you cope with it if you are struggling. Please make sure to balance any advice you are taking with a healthy dose of self-care and realistic expectations!

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How to Support Your Loved Ones During Coronavirus

4/24/2020

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Dr. Erica Wollerman shares all about what people are truly looking for while in a place of struggle.

I’ve been reflecting a lot about how things have been going for many of us, particularly those of us who have been struggling to manage our stress or feelings during the current pandemic and shelter in place orders.

Which is possibly, all of us at one time or another.

I think this situation is highlighting the challenges our society has had with many, many things and how we handle emotions is really just one of them. It is, however, a big one.

Especially right now and especially for those of us who access our emotions more readily.

I had some thoughts about what others could do to help and wanted to share them!

The biggest suggestion I have is this… Be the person who cares to listen to the truth when you ask someone how they are. Be brave enough to just listen rather than trying to fix it. Especially now... our world feels lonely and even those who are surrounded by people might feel unseen and unheard. Let’s hold off on any problem solving for a while as it places pressure on us to have what just IS, not BE.

I personally am well equipped to help people experience their emotions mostly because I am a therapist and it is literally what I do all day. While it can be a challenge, it is valuable beyond measure for people to feel connected, seen, head, and understood. I am personally of the belief that this is what most of us are truly craving while we are in a place of struggle.

Unfortunately, when people offer suggestions too quickly, it takes us out of a place of connection of equals and puts us in a place of feeling that emotions are to be avoided and need to be fixed. It can create an expert-subordinate kind of dynamic that just does not feel like connection but like you are in trouble for your emotions or shouldn’t have them.

For example, recently I was sharing about my grief related to changes in my life due to the coronavirus pandemic. I have been preparing to create and launch an online course (surprise!) for many months and have had this planned to roll out this year. Unfortunately, due to the current situation and our lack of child care it is just not realistic for me to continue working on this right now. I was sharing about how sad this is and have heard a lot of suggestions and comments that sound like this…

Maybe you can still...
Maybe you can create time for it somehow…
Maybe you need to focus on this, it’s really important…
But it’s such a good idea and you really want to do it…

While these comments and suggestions were genuinely meant to be helpful and supportive - they were after all encouraging me towards my goals - they did not feel helpful or supportive but like more pressure that I don’t need. As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve struggled with managing expectations of myself during this time of change and transition. It has happened so quickly that I first resented the changes and held so tight to my previous goals. This just led me to feel so much anxiety and pressure. Why? Because my previous expectations and goals are no longer realistic. I’m able to work maybe 60% of the time I was before and comparably to other parents with young kids, that’s actually amazing. I’m lucky to do that. However, I still have a business to run and clients to see and a family to help support emotionally and financially and that means that some of my other goals are just going to have to be on the back burner for a bit. This doesn’t mean I am giving up, not managing my time well, or that there is some solution for this that I couldn’t find (and need someone else’s help to find for that matter) – it means I am accepting reality on its terms.

If someone tells you something is just not realistic for them right now, believe them. Honor their pain and struggle that it took to tell you that and hold space for them to be sad about the conclusion they drew that is inevitable. I know this is uncomfortable because a lot of us like to believe nice ideas about life like, “you can do anything.” I’m here as a mama-business owner- and generally tired person saying, nope. I can’t do anything. It’s not worth the stress or burnout so I am just going to do what is possible and enjoy the process as much as I can.

This has been a theme in my sessions with clients recently too. More of us, particularly those of us characterized as sensitive, need less problem solving and more genuine support. We just need someone to listen and hear our pain and struggle, not someone to help us take it away.

There are two things people are looking for in emotional conversations…

To feel seen and understood
Connection with a person who cares

Unfortunately, when you meet emotion and a search for connection with problem solving all you end up with is disconnection. Feeling less understood. And for me I also have to then renegotiate my new expectations with myself all over again because not only do I have perfectionistic tendencies that I work on daily, I also have people pleasing tendencies.

This is a time of change for many, especially those of us who struggled already to have reasonable expectations of ourselves. For those of you who love a perfectionist, please be gentle in your support and suggestions. I know it does not feel like you are doing anything when you just listen and confirm that our lives are indeed challenging, but this is EVERYTHING when someone is emotional.

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How parents can help teens feel less alone during Covid-19 pandemic

4/4/2020

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There is no easy way to tell a teen that schools might not even go back to session this academic year as many of them are struggling with dealing with feelings of loneliness and frustration at having to stay home with their families right now. This is so understandable considering that teens are at an age where they are going to crave connection with their peers, not with their families.
I think that there is no easy way to deal with the feelings of loneliness that are going to come up for teens as a result of social/physical distancing. What I mean is that I don’t think teens are magically going to feel better until this situation is over. However, I think there are some things parents can do to support them and help them get through this situation.

Allow honest dialogue and conversation
- I think one crucial part of any coping response is going to be to engage in a conversation with your teen about how they are doing right now. Letting them sharer openly how frustrated, sad, and lonely they are will help them to feel connected and heard. During a time when I think it is easy to feel unseen, helping our teens feel seen and connected with us is going to be crucial in helping them get to a place of coping.
Show compassion and understanding
- While talking with them, please do not be condescending about the things they are sad about. When you are a teen, you just don’t have the same perspective that adults do and it truly can feel like the world is over if you don’t get to have prom, that date you were excited about, play in the key game, etc. These are big events that kids are missing and we need to honor that by showing them compassion and empathy.
Validate how they are feeling and join them in sharing that you may be struggling with feeling isolated as well
- Go beyond just being understanding and let your teen know that it makes sense that they are struggling with this situation and feeling lonely. You can even note that it is totally a natural reaction particularly at their age and let them know if you are feeling the same way. Please do not share platitudes or criticize them for their reactions. We are all grieving what our lives used to be like and they are allowed to have their feelings too. Let them know however they feel is okay and that they are not alone.
Come up with strategies and ideas together
- If you follow the above steps during a talk (or over several talks), hopefully your teen will then feel supported enough to be able to engage in a conversation about how to make the best of the situation we are all in. Try not to bypass the above steps and force your teen into strategizing before they feel ready – this will create more defensiveness and reluctance to engage in that part of the conversation and will not get you what you want, which is a teen who is coping better.

From there, your goal is to elicit ideas from your teen as to how they can get through this situation. You can offer ideas, but try not to make them one big to do list of things they need to accomplish. I think one byproduct of having a slower pace in our lives is that our teens can get some much needed down time right now. Let’s encourage that and allow them to figure out new things they might want to try or new ways to connect with friends.

If you are struggling in parenting your teen or your teen is struggling, please reach out for help! We are offering video therapy sessions throughout CA and have openings for new clients today!

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7 Tips for Parenting Teens During a Pandemic

3/29/2020

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Well, here we are facing yet another week of social distancing and living with the challenge of parenting during a pandemic! As many other writers have also commented on, this is a time where we are all likely to have a variety of reactions but most likely we are also feeling exhausted. Exhausted with the daily changes we ae having to make and the dramatic impact staying home, often with our entire family, is having on our emotional health. The reason for this is because we are all experiencing collective trauma and anxiety from the fears we have for our world, ourselves, our families, as well as grief related to what was and what we are unsure about for the future. Most of us have not experienced a struggle like this in our world, especially one without an end date.

I have to say, this is hard. It’s hard for all of us and it seems to be impacting people in such a variety of ways that I thought it might be helpful to share a bit about what I feel might help our teens and the parents of teens get through this.

As I have mentioned in past blogs about the Covid-19 pandemic, we need to come to a place where we can embrace this new reality so that we can learn to cope with it. Unfortunately, our teens may struggle with this even more than we do at times. I can tell you, a cooped up and isolated teen is not a fun person to spend time with. Here are some ideas specifically to help parents with teens at home who are practicing social distancing.

Manage your expectations- they are grappling with a lot right now, just like the rest of us. We need to expect a period of transition for them rather than instantly being okay with this life and world we find ourselves in. Teens who already experienced depression, anxiety, or other challenges might even struggle more. Piling on ideas of all the things you think they should do right now is unlikely to help. Please manage your expectations and expect them to need some time to adjust and to grieve as well.

Allow some grace and time to adjust – I think this is good advice for anyone right now. Let’s all give ourselves and our loved ones some grace and allow ourselves to not be perfect in how we deal with this. Would it be great if we could all take this pandemic in stride, sure. Would it be even better if our teens would focus on improving themselves or working on the things they still need to do for their futures, of course. However, all of our adjustment and emotional well-being is more important than any of that right now. Let’s all try to take a minute to remember that we are all in this pandemic for the first time and we truly are all in this together. It is going to be hard to do this when we are all tired, frustrated, and struggling to be home so much but it is important to at least try for some grace and compassion.

Give them space - your teen is likely grieving their life right now too. They’re sad about all the things they wanted and planned to do and might not be ready to engage more with your family. Remember, they do not have the same perspective about challenges that we do and likely feel scared that they will actually never see their friends again. We are feeling this way even though we have years of experiences handling challenges. They don’t and are going to struggle so allow them some space to breathe if they need it.

Comfort and support- if your teen is scared and worried, be there with them. I would avoid platitudes and engage them on a deeper level. Yes, this is scary and uncharted ground. It will most likely change our world. This is how I deal with that - I focus on what could happen that would be good while acknowledging the fears about the terrible possibilities. I choose to take care of myself during this time and don’t just stop my life. It’s all about balance and learning to balance when to pause and breathe for self-care and when to take action and keep going. This is a perfect time to help them learn some of these strategies of grit and resilience.

Compassion – Let’s all work on being compassionate about the things everyone is sad about and grieving the loss of… It is truly okay to feel disappointed that our plans are being impacted and that we can no longer orient around the future being something we are entirely in control of. We don’t know how long we will all be home and that is truly a difficult new reality for most of us. For our teens, this can feel like FOREVER and so disappointing that events they have planned for and looked forward to are likely not going to happen (prom, spring breaks, summer trips, plans with friends, etc.). This is going to be so difficult for them and it is important that we show them compassion rather than judgment. Yes, these things might be considered “first world problems,” and I get that people are literally dying around the world, but it is also okay for our teens to be sad that their lives are changing. We all are sad about that so let’s try to hold space for our feelings and our kids’ feelings. This is a tough time for everyone and judgment is not helpful during difficult moments.

Model what you’d like to see - try to show them how a person can both be scared and uncertain, feeling those feelings but still continuing to function. Let’s show them what resilience looks like - acknowledging our feelings, feeling them, but we don’t live IN them. We can move through them and navigate what life is like now. Our teens will do better if we model this for them too.

Therapy- if your teen is struggling, help them continue or start therapy. Most teens are more receptive to advice from other adults than their parents so this is a perfect time to enlist a therapist’s help so that we can support their coping and help them gain some perspective.

I hope this is helpful for our readers right now! As always, my goal is to be a calming and helpful voice in the storm that can be parenting and my office is here to help for those who would like to talk more about parenting or who would like support for their teens. We are accepting new clients for video therapy sessions today!

Click here to download our Free Guide that goes along with this Blog!

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Grief and Covid-19 Pandemic

3/23/2020

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"I don’t know about you but this is my first f****** global pandemic". -Brené Brown

I was looking for a podcast this morning and stumbled on Brené Brown’s new podcast, Unlocking Us. For those of you who don’t know, I am a bit of a fan or her work. Okay, I’m totally obsessed with it! Her above statement perfectly captures what we are all dealing with and the inherent complexities of living through this time. I wrote the below blog post all about the grief process as it relates to the coronavirus pandemic. I hope you all enjoy it as it is a bit more open and vulnerable than my usual (which is great that I found a perfect Brené Brown quote to go with it considering she is my go to champion of vulnerability even when you don't want to.

As I have been working with my clients, consulting with my family, friends, and colleagues, and checking in with my own emotions, I have recognized that the process of adjusting to our new normal as we try to #flattenthecurve and engage in social distancing reminds me so much of a grief process.

As a therapist, I am familiar with grief and how it pops up in our lives during times that do not necessarily include death. Grief is involved in any sort of ending, new beginning, phase of life, and even happy days. For example, when you become a parent you are overjoyed at the gift of the precious baby you now have but you might also feel overwhelmed with grief for the life you used to know.

As I have sat with my own emotions and explored those of others during this unprecedented time in our world, there has definitely been a process of grief and loss. I remember just a week or two ago, which feels like MONTHS ago, feeling like everything was happening so quickly and everyone seemed so anxious and I felt like it was not even happening. I now recognize my feeling that this might be an overreaction both as a product of my own misinformation and lack of understanding of the situation we were in but also as a process of denial. I honestly have been working so hard in my life on so many of my goals, that I didn’t want any of this to be real. Particularly as a business owner, this situation was enough to make anyone want to hide with a blanket over their heads.

The next wave of emotions was definitely some level of resentment. I honestly resented the people around me, even my husband whose judgment I trust, for telling me life as we knew it was over and would be for a longer time than any of us are prepared to sit with. Taking my son out of daycare and moving my therapy practice online have been changes that it truly took a lot of time to process.

I found that I personally needed to allow myself some space to just be sad and to grieve all of the things I feel like we are losing…. My son’s experience with his trusted and beloved daycare providers, our upcoming vacation, all of my client’s progress and consistency in sessions and in therapy, my own progress in building our business, and our freedom to do what we enjoy doing – which is generally not staying home. I also felt like I needed some time to readjust from “building and improving” my life and my business to “survival mode.”

Simultaneously, I have recognized my privilege in this situation. I work in a business that can use video and telehealth for sessions and our business will continue. It will continue differently but we are able to cope with this. So many businesses and people are not and I feel that sense of injustice in our world keenly. I have also been so grateful for my family situation and feeling so well supported by my colleagues, family, and friends. Never have I cherished our new home and backyard more than I do these days with a toddler to entertain! Never have I been so grateful for all that I have in the world.

I found that my path to acceptance of our situation came from allowing myself time to just feel all of these things. To feel overwhelmed, sad, and to truly grieve everything that is happening. The loss of life, people’s livelihoods, and our ability to move through our world freely. I needed to let myself just feel these things and my feelings about them.

During this time, I tried not to think too rationally about how I do believe that we can figure these things out. I just let the feelings come and embraced them willingly. I let myself cry freely and think all of my biggest fears and just let my awareness sit on the fact that we don’t know how long this will last.

I repeat, our futures are not known and we honestly can’t do much in terms of planning. While some may find this freeing, many of us are going to find this anxiety provoking. To go from working towards goals and planning events to just getting through the week is going to be a challenge and struggle for many. It certainly has been for me.

While I truly believe in our ability to come back from this both as individuals and as a society, that is truly so scary to not know so many things about what that process might look or be like. I feel like many of us are even bargaining in this grief process. I’ve said it myself, and heard many others say things like, “I can do this for 2 weeks but no longer.”

Guys, we need to sit with the truth in this situation to allow ourselves to come to a place of coping. The more we fight reality, the more we are also delaying our own acceptance and coping. The world as we knew it is changing and it is now up to us to accept this, figure out a new normal, and allow ourselves to recognize that we don’t know anything about what the future will hold. This is a wave that could crush us if we are not careful. We could get lost in the unknown and fear. I encourage you to know this and choose to dip your toes in the pool of your emotions but to then also let yourself allow some light in.

Other than days when the grief wave just takes hold of me, I am going to be mindful of my thoughts and choose to believe that we will get through this and that our resilience as a people will be a powerful force in light of this pandemic. I truly believe that our struggles can bring about change and growth and am hopeful that this might not be different even now.

If you or your loved ones are struggling to cope, our office is still offering telehealth (video) therapy sessions throughout California. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us if you feel we can be supportive during this time. Our therapists have availability and can offer flexible schedules even for those who are working from home while trying to learn how to homeschool your kids.

From the bottom of my heart, I hope all of our readers are hanging in there and adjusting during this time. We will continue to post resources and tips for our readers to help us all cope with the days ahead!

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Video sessions, with my therapist? Are you sure?

3/18/2020

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By: Dr. Wollerman

As many people are making dramatic changes to their lives to try to #flattenthecurve in our country while we deal with this pandemic, therapists are making changes as well. Most of us are moving towards video session and our practice is no different! Starting next week, we are going to be only offering video sessions for our clients until it is reasonable to start up in person sessions again and we feel comfortable doing so without concern of transmitting Covid19.

As the leader in our practice, this was a tough decision for me for many reasons. One, I really want to support my clients and love doing so in person. Two, I really didn’t want this choice to impact people’s access to care particularly during a time where so many of us are understandably feeling stressed, anxious, and even depressed. Three, I also genuinely believe in how calming it can be to have some normalcy in our lives when the world feels like it is falling apart.

Upon reflection, I realized that while I am feeling all these conflicting feelings about it, people might be feeling conflicted even about attending sessions. We all know that there has been a variety of responses to Covid19 and some people continue to feel that we are all “over-reacting.” However, there are also those who are working hard to change their lives in the interest of protecting the most vulnerable in our society. Once I got used to the idea of changing our life and the way we offer our services, the more I realized that this is valuable coping in a time when things are unstable. Perhaps the more we learn to roll with the challenges life hands us, even when they are HUGE like right now, the more we all learn how to refocus on what mattes and how we can connect and cope together through this unprecedented time in our world.

So, I had my first client video sessions in the past few days and realized that this is actually such a great way to connect with my clients! We luckily had very few tech related issues and the sessions felt almost exactly the same as in our office. My clients loved it and I felt thrilled to be able to continue to provide services without feeling any conflict around if I could possibly be exposing my clients to something dangerous.

For those of you on the fence about telehealth, I thought I would share some pros with you!

You can do it from the comfort of your home
Video sessions are very similar to in person sessions when you are using a platform with little buffering like we are at our office
You don’t need to worry about possible transmission of coronavirus
You can optimize your time as you will not have travel time

These are just simple things that were fun today. The most important reason to continue with telehealth is that you don’t need to cancel your personal growth just because everything else in our world is cancelled. You can still work on yourself, how you are managing the unknown of this situation, and find support. Plus, we are all not sure how long this situation will last and it is going to be important for all of us to schedule in self-care. I feel that many parents in our world who are suddenly home schooling while working, are going to feel the pressure to be in survival mode throughout this situation. I would encourage you to consider the harm and stress of that. Carving out an hour a week to find support and a time for you, is most likely going to be crucial in maintaining this situation as long as we need to.

We at Thrive would be thrilled to help any Californians during this time and are no longer limited to the bounds of who can drive to our office. We are hopeful that this will help extend the people we are able to help, particularly during a time of such challenge and uncertainty in our country. We are even working on strategies of things to do with younger kids in telehealth and ways to continue our work with the whole family!

From our Thrive family to your family, we hope everyone is hanging in there and we look forward to supporting you!

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How to enjoy the holidays with your teen

12/11/2019

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

I thought it might be nice to take a short break from our parenting teens and the challenges of being a teen blog series to focus a bit more on the holidays in our families. The holidays are always such a busy time for families as well as a difficult one for many reasons. Some families are grieving family members who have passed or changes in their family that have affected who is present for the holidays. Others are just so overscheduled and busy with travel, gifts, events, hosting family, and All. The. Things. we are supposed to do that it is not the most enjoyable of seasons. I wanted to post a bit about how to try and enjoy the holidays, particularly if you have a teen at home.

Let’s start off with a general holiday survival tip - My biggest tip for enjoying the holidays that really can apply to any family is to work on reducing your obligations and replacing them with things you actually enjoy. Often, as parents, we feel responsible for cultivating the perfect holiday with perfect traditions. For many people, this is overwhelming and creates a sense of irritation when your efforts are not recognized or even appreciated by your family members. I encourage families to focus on the things and events about the holidays that they truly enjoy and cut everything else out. It’s okay not to do everything and it’s even better to do the things you love so that it truly can be a time of connection and enjoyment as a family!

My two tips for enjoying holidays with a teen are:

1. Meet them where they are at
This is huge. I’ve had years of conversations with parents who tell me all the things they hope and want to do with their teen during their break. Or, what they think their teen “should” be doing. I encourage parents all the time to really put themselves in their kids’ shoes. Teens are chronically tired, stressed, and overwhelmed these days. When you feel that way, would you really want your parents putting more demands on you? Probably not. Check in with them about what they are hoping for over break and make sure to set up clear expectations about things you really need them to participate in or take care of. The more this is a dialogue, rather than a top down exercise in telling them what to do, the better it will go!

2. Expect less
In general, I would say that the above tip is going to require this tip. You will most likely be hoping for more than your teen can or is willing to give. If you go into the holidays expecting gratitude, lots of family time playing board games, and definitely not a lot of “screen time” or time with friends, you are ultimately setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt feelings. Every teen I work with looks at breaks from school as opportunities to sleep, rest, watch TV, and spend time with their friends. Even the ones who have great relationships with their parents. I repeat, even the ones who love spending time with their parents. As a parent, it is important not to interpret your teen’s disinterest in whatever it is you are suggesting as a reflection of how much they care about you or want to be with you. It is a reflection of their current place and stage in life.

I hope this is helpful! I wish all of you a happy holiday season and remember, we are here to help at Thrive even during the holidays! Call or email us today if you would like more information about how we can help you and your family thrive!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

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Blog Series: Parenting Teens - An Introduction

10/21/2019

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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Since we work often with teens and their parents at Thrive, I wanted to spend some time sharing more about what I observe about how our current culture impacts teens (and their parents). Apparently, what I was hoping to share can’t be expressed in just one blog post so I am planning a series all about teens and parenting teens!

This blog series was particularly inspired by some of my conversations recently with my teen clients about how challenging it feels to be a teen in our world. With the pressure of social media, super competitive college admissions, the focus on happiness but also achievement, and increased anxiety and fear – it is genuinely a tough time to be a teen. What I also know is that it is a tough time to be a parent of a teen. I would say that as relentless as the pressures are of adolescence, the pressure on parents is equally relentless!  Unfortunately, this leads to patterns and cycles of stress just being transferred back and forth between teens and their parents. Before we talk more about the specific pressures on teens that I am noticing, I wanted to share my thoughts about what teens need most from their parents.  It also might be helpful to check out my past posts about the pressures of parenting a teen and tips for parents of teens!

1. Love and Acceptance
While many teens become awfully prickly and interactions with them can be challenging for parents, teens genuinely need love, acceptance, and a true sense of belonging from their parents. It’s important to remember that teens struggle with parental authority often because they are trying to figure out how to be their own person and grow away from their family to be on their own as adults. This is difficult and can be reminiscent of the toddler years. Mixed messages are common, as are outward rejections of parents while deep down wanting love, approval, kindness, and affection. It is so important that parents follow their teen’s lead but also provide them with a safe place for them to find genuine caring connections. Even if it gets you an eye roll or irritated glare, show them love and truly try to accept them for who they are becoming. Talk to them about common interests and just ask questions without lecturing or slipping into “parent mode.” Often the teens I work with just want an adult who cares and tries to see it from their side without immediately trying to fix it or tell them the “learning opportunity” in each situation.

2. Boundaries
Teens will never, ever tell you but they definitely need boundaries. They need to be able to experiment with things in the world but to have parents who hold them accountable. While I am not a big fan of parents coming down too hard about grades (our academic system is stressful enough for most kids), I do think that most teens need some responsibilities at home. It’s important to learn to pitch in as a family and to learn how to manage personal and academic responsibilities. Make sure that the boundaries you set in place make sense and have some sort of natural consequences. For example, if a teen is struggling to make it home on time/before curfew, maybe they lose their driving privileges for a while. This helps them to learn that privileges involve responsibility which will help them know their limits as well as understand cause and effect in our world. Adults who did not have boundaries during childhood tend to not be the best employees or students later in life.

3. Empathy
Do you remember just how difficult and confusing it can be to be a teenager?  I certainly do and hold that experience in mind when I work with my teen clients and explore situations that are difficult for them as often what teens need from us is a little empathy. Even if our lives are more stressful or difficult as adults who have a zillion more responsibilities, remember that what they are experiencing is so important to them and genuinely difficult. Part of this is because they only have limited life experience and have difficulty comprehending that their life will not be this way forever. I’ll discuss the gift of perspective more in the next section. Future blogs in this series will also describe the challenges of being a teen currently that we might not always understand as adults who grew up in a very different environment.

4. Perspective
I see one of the biggest challenges of being a teen currently is that they genuinely do not know that life is so much more than high school, or what college you go to, or if you have a “thing” with the cute person at school. Teens are amazing because they experience the world very intensely and passionately but this brings the challenge that since they have not had years to adjust to being a more adult like person, like we have all had, they do not realize that their current situation is not everything. I believe a gift we can give them is just a little perspective. And not in terms of telling them how hard adulthood can be, but in terms of helping them know that our lives are always changing and that most experiences are temporary in nature and will not last forever. This is a concept that is much more available to our adult brains than theirs.

5. Space
Oh boy do teens need space. They need so many forms of space – space to be themselves and experiment with who they are and want to be; space to make mistakes and totally screw up without us preventing it; space to cope on their own and exist without parent involvement sometimes; space to make their own decisions; and space to change. The more we can let our teens guide things, within certain boundaries and limits of course, the better. They just need a lot of space as they walk their path into adulthood and the more we can give them now, the better they will do on their own later in life. Plus, the less we push our values, goals, judgments, etc. on them, the more likely it is that they will reach back out to us when they are ready.

I hope you enjoyed the first blog in this series all about parenting teens and the challenges of teens! Please stay tuned for more blogs to come on this topic and reach out to us at Thrive if you would like support in parenting your teen!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

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"As it should be"“You should”“I should”

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Call Today! 858-342-1304

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"As it should be"
“You should”
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