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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
We all know that the holidays can be extremely stressful, overwhelming, and busy for parents. We sometimes forget that it is also a busy, overstimulating, and, at times, difficult period for kids.
I know, most of us feel it would be AMAZING to go back and be kids on holidays again. Wouldn’t having someone else do all the prep, cooking, cleaning, buying, planning, etc., for us be fantastic? It honestly would, but this does not necessarily mean it is a super easy time of year for all children. Suppose we, as parents, are too absorbed in our own experience. In that case, it can be really easy to project our feelings of frustration and being the ones to “take care of all the things” onto our kids. Sometimes, we perceive our kids, particularly those who struggle with emotional regulation (aka meltdown city during the holidays), as “entitled, ungrateful, selfish, etc.” To help families manage their emotions during the holidays, I wanted to share some tips to help shift our mindsets in more helpful directions. 1. Manage Your Expectations We can easily set up the most magical holiday ever and expect our children to be similarly magical and kind. This expectation is unfair, and if you have a child who tends to struggle on big occasions that involve a lot of anticipation, it makes sense that they may be contentious during the holiday season. We should expect it to be challenging at times so that we are not surprised and interpret their behavior negatively. Remember that your child is most likely overwhelmed and genuinely doing their best to meet their needs and to figure out how to cope with something that feels bigger than their coping skills. While it is hard to be the parent of a child who struggles with big feelings, it can also be tough to be the child who is struggling. Having empathy for their experience and remembering that they are a good kid who is having a hard time will help you respond with more patience and kindness. 2. Listen to Your Child Listening might sound strange, but if your child is telling you that the plans you have made are too much or that they are too tired, overwhelmed, or excited, try to listen. I know it can be hard to shift plans once they are made, especially during the hustle and bustle of the holidays, but if your child is genuinely struggling with their emotions and behavior, it makes sense to scale things back. Also, if they are communicating that they feel overwhelmed, don’t want to hug people, or don’t want to be asked certain questions, see if you can set things up so that those situations do not occur. You can set boundaries around how much time you engage in certain events, which events you attend, and even with your family members about how they treat your child. It will go better if, as you and your child approach situations, you try to work together to figure things out to have the best time possible. You can even discuss ahead of time how to cope with difficult situations, especially if your child is older and aware that these situations are challenging for them. 3. Connection and Boundaries I know these are my favorite topics lately, especially since I developed my mini-parenting courses all about these topics… But they are good ones that totally apply here. As mentioned above, connecting and listening to your child can be incredibly helpful during busy holidays. Making sure that you take the time to listen, play, and connect with them in the ways you usually do during typical days can help maintain your connection even when things become challenging or overwhelming. Similarly, setting boundaries around things that lead to increased emotional dysregulation can be helpful. For example, our son tends to struggle if he gets too much screen time, sugar, or food containing artificial dyes. As a result, we tend to limit electronics and less healthy food choices, especially during big events like birthdays or other events, which can lead him to be even more dysregulated. While it is not the most “fun” parenting opinion, I believe that setting him up for success is more important than letting him indulge and get super out of control! I hope these parenting tips can help you manage situations that arise at this time of year! If you would like to discuss any of these topics further, feel free to reach out to our team for a parent consultation :) If you want to learn more about Connecting and Setting Boundaries with your child, check out our mini-parenting courses!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman has launched mini parenting courses! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
 Are you thinking about starting therapy for yourself or a loved one? An important aspect of that decision is finding a therapist who can connect with you. Every therapist has a style and approach that is as unique to them as their thumbprint. We recently asked our Thrive therapists to describe their approach in therapy. We invite you to read and consider if this may be the help you have been looking for. Dr. Maria Fowlks: My therapeutic approach looks to help individuals become more understanding, accepting and compassionate in dealing with themselves and those they love. I believe in creating a safe and non-judgmental space for my clients. I strive to make them feel comfortable and supported throughout our sessions. My goal as a therapist is to support my clients on their journey towards improved mental well-being, and to empower them with the tools and insights to navigate life's challenges. I do this by taking an integrative approach to therapy. This means that I draw from various evidence-based therapeutic modalities and techniques, tailoring my approach to meet their unique needs. I also recognize the importance of cultural sensitivity and strive to create a culturally inclusive environment. I respect and value diversity and am committed to understanding and addressing the unique challenges clients may face based on their cultural background. I work alongside my clients, supporting, guiding, and rooting them on as they brave the challenges life can sometimes bring. My clients are as much my teachers as I am theirs. My clients never cease to amaze and inspire me with their strength, courage, and resilience. Dr. Andrea Seldomridge: I like to strike a balance between structured and unstructured. I often will bring in tools that may help them with what they’re coming in for, such as depression or anxiety. However, I always want to meet the client where they’re at and utilize a more conversational and organic approach. Molly Llamas, AMFT: I bring my authentic self to all sessions by incorporating humor, curiosity, empathy, and culture, inviting you to bring your whole self, too. My approach includes a multicultural lens that allows me to understand and honor all of my clients’ needs and stories by meeting them where they are, while also challenging them to step out of their comfort zones through a non-judgemental approach. Ying Ying Shiue, LPCC: I like making connections with my clients, so I incorporate a lot of real-life experiences and humor into my style of therapy. I’m kind, caring, and compassionate while also being realistic and honest. If you’re making a mistake, then I’ll tell you that, but then I’ll also tell you about the time when I made that same mistake, and we can laugh about it! Abbey Stewart, AMFT: I would love for clients to know that I have tools and knowledge that I use to support a client in exploring their questions or processing experiences they have. Ultimately, every person is the expert of their own experiences, and supporting people in their therapeutic journey is a great privilege. Kim Macias, APCC: I strive to provide a warm and nurturing space for you to identify your needs and goals. I approach therapy as a partnership between me and my clients to help you reach your goals, and I strive to create a space where you can be yourself. Jennifer Gonzalez, LMFT: I utilize various evidence-based therapeutic modalities as I believe the therapeutic approach should meet the client’s needs, not vice versa. In treatment, I always operate under a trauma-informed and culturally sensitive lens. At Thrive, we have an amazing team of therapists. We take a positive, client-centered therapy approach focused on connecting with our clients and building skills to help them manage their symptoms more effectively. We offer in-person and video sessions and group therapy for preteens and teens. We would love to hear from you at 858-342-1304 so that we can support your family! Our final therapist post is about Jennifer Gonzalez, LMFT 98444 who has been working with Thrive for almost 7 years! Jennifer is incredibly passionate about working with teens and their parents, but also has a specialty in working with parents individually. Not only does she do an amazing job supporting her clients, but she also works with me on supervising our team and helping to lead them clinically. If you have the rare opportunity to work with Jennifer (as her schedule is rarely open), I think you are in great hands!  Who do you LOVE working with? I enjoy working with clients of all ages! However, I am particularly interested in tweens and teens as I believe adolescence is the most challenging and complicated stage in a person’s life! As a therapist, I love having the opportunity to support my client’s identity development, interpersonal challenges, and social and emotional health. Also, due to my many years of experience working with adolescents, I have also developed a passion for working with their parents. My unique insight into this stage of development helps support parents' goals of raising healthy and autonomous individuals. What should potential clients know about you and your style in therapy? I utilize various evidence-based therapeutic modalities as I believe the therapeutic approach should meet the client’s needs, not vice versa. In treatment, I always operate under a trauma-informed and culturally sensitive lens. What is your favorite parenting tip or recommendation? Although not the only form of communication, words matter. Even when you think that your child is not listening, they are. The best way to teach your child positive behaviors is by role modeling, but you are also human, and you might not get it right every time. You are also learning with your child, so if you notice that your emotions are intensifying and might dictate your reaction, take some space and walk away rather than saying things you may not mean or want to say. What advice would you like to have received when you were younger? Expressing sadness is not a sign of weakness. I was raised in a culture that values strength and promotes the “fake it until you make it” mentality. Just because you are not doing or feeling well does not mean that you have to act like everything is fine. Feel all of your feelings. This will create opportunities to learn more about yourself and how to cope better. What do you like to do in your free time? I am an avid traveler. The best way to experience culture is by visiting the place of origin. One of the best learning experiences is cultural shock, as this provides a unique opportunity to question everything you know and perhaps change your perspective for the better. I think this has made me a more well-rounded therapist, so I can better understand and serve my clients. At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with Jennifer Gonzalez, or another Thrive therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As the founder of Thrive, I have the privilege of working closely with some truly amazing therapists. My Thrive Team! In the next blog series, I am going to be introducing you to them one at a time. The next therapist I am excited to introduce you to is Molly Llamas, who is currently an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT 122924), working with our clinical supervisor, Jennifer Gonzalez (LMFT 98444). Molly is a vibrant and deeply compassionate therapist who is gifted in her ability to connect with clients authentically while also challenging them to work on themselves in a deeper way. She has rare new client openings even in afternoons!  Who do you LOVE working with? I am passionate about working with adolescents and young adults. I aim to create safe and affirming spaces that are inclusive of all cultures, races, genders, age, and sexual orientations. As a bilingual Latinx therapist, I am passionate about working with the BIPOC community in supporting them through their healing journey. I am also passionate about working with individuals through different walks of life and experiences including cultural issues, imposter syndrome, first-generation stressors, life transitions, trauma, self-esteem, self-advocacy/ boundaries, identity exploration and expression, and anxiety and depression. What should potential clients know about you and your style in therapy? I bring my authentic self to all sessions by incorporating humor, curiosity, empathy, and culture, inviting you to bring your whole self too. My approach includes a multicultural lens that allows me to understand and honor all of my clients’ needs and stories by meeting them where they are at, while also challenging them to step out of their comfort zones through a non-judgemental approach. What is your favorite parenting tip or recommendation? Less is more! Oftentimes, parents may feel pulled to make decisions and choices for their children to prevent them from making mistakes or getting hurt. I love experiences where I can work with parents to normalize these worries/ concerns while also empowering them to welcome opportunities to see their children succeed and learn from their mistakes/ choices. What advice would you like to have received when you were younger? Be gentle with yourself. What do you like to do in your free time? During my free time I enjoy cuddling and spending quality time with my puppy, binge watching a good Netflix series with a bowl of chips with Tapatio, dancing, making art, and trying new restaurants around the city. At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with Molly Llamas, or a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As the founder of Thrive, I have the privilege of working closely with some truly amazing therapists. My Thrive Team! In the next blog series, I am going to be introducing you to them one at a time.  Who do you LOVE working with? Being a therapist brings me so much joy! I have the privilege to connect with individuals from all walks of life and see the world through their lens. I love my work with adolescents, adults, and parents. Working with the BIPOC community is something I am passionate about as a BIPOC clinician myself. I enjoy supporting clients experiencing anxiety, life transitions, identity challenges and interpersonal struggles. What should potential clients know about you and your style in therapy? My therapeutic approach looks to help individuals become more understanding, accepting and compassionate in dealing with themselves and those they love. I believe in creating a safe and non-judgmental space for my clients. I strive to make them feel comfortable and supported throughout our sessions. My goal as a therapist is to support my clients on their journey towards improved mental well-being, and to empower them with the tools and insights to navigate life's challenges. I do this by taking an integrative approach to therapy. This means that I draw from various evidence-based therapeutic modalities and techniques, tailoring my approach to meet their unique needs. I also recognize the importance of cultural sensitivity and strive to create a culturally inclusive environment. I respect and value diversity, and I am committed to understanding and addressing the unique challenges clients may face based on their cultural background. I work alongside my clients, supporting, guiding, and rooting them on as they brave the challenges life can sometimes bring. My clients are as much my teachers as I am theirs. My clients never cease to amaze and inspire me with their strength, courage, and resilience. What is your favorite parenting tip or recommendation? That your child is a whole person with the same feelings we have, but with developing brains and very limited experience with these emotions. So remember your child is having a hard time, not giving you a hard time. What advice would you like to have received when you were younger? I wish I was told that all feelings were valid and okay to express. That acting strong and like you can handle everything on your own will catch up to you. It’s okay to not be okay and to ask for help. What do you like to do in your free time? I love to watch my son play baseball. I also love spending time with my family, especially going to Padres games together! I also enjoy reading and dabbling in photography. At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with Dr. Maria Fowlks, or a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
One of the most challenging things parents can deal with is their child struggling with school. Perhaps it is due to their executive functioning challenges, another mental or physical health diagnosis, or a learning disability. It could even just be that they do not have a particular aptitude for a subject, such as math or reading. Something I notice often in my work with children and teens is that parents are not always equipped to support their child who is struggling in this way.
It truly can be complicated as we want to empower our children to believe they can overcome challenges, but we also need to recognize that the challenges do exist in a very real way. Unfortunately, our academic systems are inherently ableist, and instead of our children knowing that they are doing the best they can in a system that is not designed for their needs, they believe they are “stupid, dumb, not good enough, etc.” As parents, it is crucial that we find a way to talk with them candidly about these experiences so that they can develop a healthier internal narrative. Here are nine tips to help you do just that: 1. Identify, Address, and Understand Learning Gaps To help your child, you will need to know what they are experiencing and struggling with if you do not already know. This means seeking professional support and possibly even an evaluation outside the school system to have a more thorough diagnosis. Once you know their challenges, seek further professional support, whether privately or through their school district. Even more, do your research to help yourself understand what their diagnosis means for them and what it means for you in terms of how you might need to support them. 2. Encourage a Growth Mindset: A growth mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication and hard work rather than innate ability. It is the idea of something not happening “yet” instead of “not ever possible.” For example, if your child struggles with reading, it is the ability to view that situation as temporary and something to work on. A skill that has not been developed yet, rather than that the child is “not capable of reading.” When their learning experiences are challenging, help your child persevere by emphasizing that mistakes are a crucial part of learning and not indicative of a problem with them or their capability. 3. Shift their narrative As a parent, if you get the sense that your child believes they are inherently unable to do something, work to help them shift their narrative to something more productive. For example, sharing with them that, at times, they are being compared to older peers or that their brain is just not ready to learn whatever they are learning. As adults, we can give them the perspective that things are hard to understand sometimes, and that does not have to mean anything negative about them. 4. Celebrate Small Victories For kids that struggle more than the average child, it can be extremely helpful for their parents to help them acknowledge and celebrate their victories, no matter how small. 5. Break Tasks into Manageable Steps For kids who struggle with learning disorders or executive functioning issues, it is essential to help them learn how to break tasks down so that they are less overwhelming. Schools often help with this, but it is important to help them at home too. Even with something as simple as cleaning up their room - help them identify one part or category of item to clean up first to help it feel less challenging. 6. Incorporate Learning through Play As I probably mention too often, play is how our children learn. No matter their strengths and weaknesses, play can be key to helping a child learn something they are struggling with academically. You could engage your child in educational games, activities, puzzles, etc. The goal is to make learning more enjoyable so they feel less negatively about school and educational activities. 7. Create a Quiet Study Environment Most children need a space without distractions and noise to study and complete their homework. This space is even more important for children who struggle academically. Make sure the area where they study is consistently available to them and that they have a consistent routine to complete academic tasks. 8. Encourage Your Child to Ask for Help Teach your child that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Encourage them to ask questions in class, seek clarification from teachers, or request assistance from peers. While it can be hard for a child who is struggling and may feel like asking for help just shows everyone else how much they struggle, it can be a huge source of support. Knowing when and how to seek help is an important skill that fosters academic growth and self-assurance. 9. Offer Unconditional Support Above all, let your child know that you love and support them unconditionally, regardless of their academic performance. Remind them that their value extends far beyond their grades and that you are proud of their efforts and progress. You can enhance this by ensuring you ask them about more than the areas they are struggling in. Connect about their interests and passions and have no more than weekly conversations about potential challenges academically and how they are navigating them. A loving and understanding support system can work wonders in boosting a struggling student's confidence. In sum, boosting academic confidence in kids who struggle academically requires patience, understanding, and a positive approach. It can also require parents to work on shifting their ideas around school, success, and capability. The more I have worked with individual clients who have academic struggles, the more I have realized that our educational systems are inherently flawed and ableist in nature. If we can share this with our children, they can begin to see potential issues they are having as a product of their learning style with their environment rather than their internal flaws (like being “stupid” or “lazy”). If we can avoid our children internalizing their challenges, they are much more likely to find their path to success!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You do not want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Welcome to our final blog in this series! In this blog series, we discussed what it means to be an over-functioning parent, the impact on your children, and how to work to correct this dynamic. What I plan to discuss today is possibly the most important, how to manage your feelings in this whole process.
As mentioned previously, parents are not engaging in this pattern of doing too much for their kids because they want to teach the kids that they are incapable. They want their children to be capable, often desperately, but generally fear the potential negative consequences of failure for their children or even themself. Parents might also sometimes believe it is their job or responsibility to do so much for their kids. So it makes perfect sense that this is an emotional situation for the parents and the kids. As parents, we often manage our fears about our child’s uncertain future by doing things for them and making sure they are “on top of it.” Children can come to rely on others doing things for them and engage more passively with life to avoid challenges. So, how can you manage your feelings while you engage in this process of reducing over-involvement as a parent? Again, this is not an easy task, but it is imperative in terms of helping your child and yourself.
Keep in mind that we are parenting in a time that is just wild. The expectations of us and our children are astronomically high and honestly, most of us will do some things well and others poorly. That is okay. The more we have realistic expectations for ourselves and our kids, the more they can have more realistic expectations of themselves and their lives as well. While it can be hard to manage our emotional reactions to shifting our involvement with our kids, it is also often hard for our children initially. They usually become upset, possibly anxious, dysregulated, or say all kinds of things such as “Why aren’t you helping me? Don’t you love me?” For a parent, this is challenging as it often indicates that their child is not ready for the task. Usually, this is actually not the case; it is just their reaction to change and an expression of their own fear, frustration, or panic. It is crucial for a parent to not only manage their fears internally about changing patterns but to believe in the plan of change so much that they can manage their response effectively to their child’s upset and possible outbursts. The best way to do this is by using the information shared in the second blog in this series. We need to communicate to our children that we believe in them and their ability to overcome the challenges in their way. Remind them that we are here to help, but only after they try themselves and if they truly need it. Practice the following phrases to use in these times when you or your child are distressed:
I hope you enjoyed this blog series and digging a bit deeper into the patterns around over-functioning. If you are a parent identifying with this pattern, please know there is no judgment here. I know it comes from a place of care, love for your child, and desire for them to be okay. It’s a beautiful expression of love, though it is unhelpful. I believe you can learn to respond differently to your child and that they can handle everything in their way! If you need further support around these kinds of parenting shifts or your child’s challenges, please do not hesitate to reach out to us at Thrive! We are here to help!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You don’t want to miss it!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
3 Part Blog Series About Over-Functioning Parents
Part #2 So you are an over-functioning parent. What now? Welcome back to our three-part blog series about over-functioning parents. Last week, we discussed what over-functioning is and how it impacts children. This week, we will discuss what to do if you want to change this dynamic in your family. The first step is to have a conversation with your child about what you have realized. Depending on the age of your child, you could talk to them about this situation in a variety of ways, but usually, it will sound something like this: “I love you so much. Unfortunately, because I worry about the future, I have been doing way too much for you. And this might make you feel like you are not able to do things on your own, which is not at all the case. I believe in you and your ability to manage things more independently. Moving forward, I am going to stop doing so much for you so that you can learn how to do it on your own. I am still here, and I love you. I believe you can do everything I ask of you.” You can add examples or specific areas you are going to work on reducing your involvement in or even other phrases such as, “I know you can cope with things on your own without texting me from school” or “I know you will figure out a way to wake yourself up in the morning.” The most important thing is to communicate to your child that you have been making a mistake, and that has led to their feelings of incapability. And that you believe you were wrong because they are much more capable than you taught them to believe! For this to be a truly corrective experience and productive conversation, you need to be prepared to take full responsibility for this dynamic. Keep in mind that your child already feels like they are doing everything wrong and are not capable. So your job now is to acknowledge that you are the reason they feel this way and that you will work to help shift this pattern because it is your responsibility to do so and not theirs. This acknowledgment is the first step to changing this dynamic and helping them build feelings of capability. The next part is the hardest, as you have to actually pull back your support. Here are some examples of what this might look like:
I could go on, but mostly the idea is to observe how you solve problems for your child and stop doing it. I know it sounds basic and also quite risky, especially if your child is older, but kids who have yet to learn to solve their own problems just do not do as well in college and later in life. As parents, we need to raise our kids to know their abilities and when to ask for help. Stepping in before they even ask for help or know they need it is not teaching them any of this. It teaches them to be passive and wait for a rescue rather than be proactive problem solvers. Be prepared that your child will likely not seamlessly transition to independence once you pull back your support. They might kick, scream, pout, ask why you don’t love them anymore, ask why you don’t want to help them, or even just fail at whatever it is you were helping them with in the past. This reaction is okay. I know that sounds really callous, but it genuinely is okay. Your child needs to experience challenges to figure out how to overcome them, which is part of their path towards independence. All of this will likely make you feel very uncomfortable, even anxious. I can tell you that this is perfectly normal and almost expected. Every time I have had this conversation with parents in my office, they look at me like I have lost my mind. “Erica, you expect me just to sleep and know my 16-year-old hasn’t done their homework?” And to that, I answer ABSOLUTELY. I expect you to do just that so that you are not more invested in the outcomes of their education than they are. You see, not only does our emotional investment and over-involvement lead to kids who feel incapable or even anxious, but it can also lead them not to care as much as we do. Simply, in the kids’ eyes, it becomes less of a “me thing” and more of a “you thing.” This point of view, unfortunately, leads some kids to become less motivated or interested in their activities or school. Any of these outcomes - anxious and stressed out kids who feel incapable or kids who appear completely uninterested in goals/school/future types of things which also feel incapable - are not helpful in our goal of raising independent people! For the final part of our blog series next week, I will share ideas about how to cope with the challenging emotions this process might bring up for you. You don’t want to miss it!
If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You will want to be a part of this!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
I’ve been thinking about the idea of “over-functioning” often recently as it is a huge topic in my office and many of the therapist and mom podcasts I listen to. I have been mulling over the dynamic of over-functioning and how this impacts children, particularly when a parent is an over-functioner.
First, what is an over-functioner? Someone who falls into this pattern will likely feel that they need to do everything all the time for everyone around. This feeling usually results from how they have learned to cope with anxiety and naturally deal with anxiety, stress, or overwhelming situation by taking action rather than falling apart. Similar to perfectionism or being a high performer, which has traits often associated with over-functioners, this is not all negative by any means. There are significant strengths to over-functioning, perfectionism, and high performance. There are also significant challenges and a huge cost to the person living at an unsustainable pace all the time, which is often burnout. People who are over-functioning often take on more than they should of the responsibilities around them, at work and home. This can lead others to feel less capable in comparison. They might think, “Since I can’t even do half as much as they can, I must not be as good or capable as they are.” Unfortunately, the conclusion is often that they will never be able to do things as well as the other person and stop trying. This conclusion is clearly frustrating for the person who has more things on their plate, but they have a role to play here too. Often, if the other person tries to help with something but does not do it as well or the same as the person who is in the role of over-functioning, someone may criticize. This assumption becomes a negative feedback loop for the other person and for the over-functioner, where both people end up feeling that one of them is more capable than the other. Just imagine the impact on a work team or in a marriage. Unfortunately, this pattern has a similar impact on children. If a parent is always stepping in for a child and doing things for them, even if they can do it themselves, it will give that child the message that they are less capable. Sometimes, it leads to a feeling that they are less competent and incapable, especially for kids who are aware of their parent’s efforts and how much they do for them. In my office, this has sounded like the following:
If some of these phrases resonate with you, you might have taken on an over-functioning role in your family. Since we all want to raise children who are capable and independent, that might be hard to recognize as, unfortunately, your best intentions are getting in the way of your child’s development. The good news is that you can work through all of this! I won’t even begin to say that this will be easy because these dynamics are often rooted in deep feelings about a parents’ role, fears about a child’s ability to “make it,” and confusion related to what parents are responsible for. While it is not easy, it is well worth trying to shift this dynamic to help your child. Read on next week to learn more about how to adjust this dynamic in your family!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Parents of young children are probably so familiar with the advice that they should play with their kids. We call it quality time, special time, playtime, etc. Often it probably just feels like one more thing we need to do in addition to all the other demands on modern parents, which is genuinely hard to feel motivated about.
I get it! Just the other day, I was inside cleaning up while my partner and son were outside playing with their new water toys having a pretty epic water fight. In fact, my decision to join their fun (because, well, why not?) led to this very blog post. You see, while I really didn’t “feel like it,” I did go and join my family. And honestly, I got drenched but had the best time laughing and just playing with them. It reminded me of how much I love playing with my son and laughing together as a family. In this age of being so busy and over-scheduled all the time, I believe these are the moments we need and help fuel us for the tougher ones we all have. Interestingly, I find that even parents who enjoyed playing with their kids when they were younger forget that this is an activity that can truly endure the test of time. Just because you have a pre-teen or a teen, or even a college kid, does not mean they are too old to play. More so, just because you are an adult does not mean you are too old to play - or even too old to benefit from it! You see, while many of us understand that play is the language of learning for young children, we forget that creativity and play are essential to people in general. Play is a great outlet, coping strategy, and genuine food for anyone’s soul. I find that adults are often so serious about everything, and we get so caught up in our seriousness that we forget the joy and in-the-moment energy that comes from play. As summer gets going, I would encourage you to take advantage of the summer weather and potential extra free time (I know, I know, it is not always a given, but often we have a little more flexibility in summer) and spend some time PLAYING with your kids. Here are FIVE ideas that might help you get started - even if your kid is a teen or young adult!
I truly hope you take the time to try this out with your kids, or heck, even alone or with a friend or partner today! We all could use more joy and moments where we just laugh for no reason at all. Play can help get us there :) Take it from me; a play therapist turned water-play-loving parent! If you are interested in learning more about connecting with your child, please make sure to sign up for our newsletter! Dr. Wollerman will be launching a parenting course all about this topic later this summer or early fall! You don’t want to miss it! At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.
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