Thrive Therapy Blog

Biggest lessons of parenting a toddler during the pandemic

9/25/2020

As I mentioned in past blogs, time has been an interesting element in my life since the pandemic began. In so many ways, time has slowed down. I should mention that prior to March, despite often encouraging families not to be overscheduled themselves, my family was pretty overscheduled. I would often tote my toddler to a playdate and then the children’s museum all before our mid-day nap. I think I was often afflicted with a feeling of restlessness of sitting still and just being. Despite my history as a play therapist, I struggled to just play at home and let Luca enjoy our time together there. I loved a good, overscheduled weekend.

Time is much different for us now. Now that we have been living this life for about 6 months, I have found that there are still certainly many challenges… I mean, I don’t need the volume of plans I had before but I would love an occasional playdate or night out with my husband! In addition to the challenges, there have also been some real learning opportunities for me at least. Since I share so much of my parenting journey in this blog, I thought it would be helpful to share these thoughts too!

Those of us living with families we actually like spending time with are pretty darn privileged - This is a big one for me. I have come to recognize that my life is so very blessed and filled with privilege. We have spent so much more time talking about all of our blessings and the things that are going well lately (for us personally, not the world of course since things are so dire right now). This has been a good shift for us as a family to focus on our blessings that have helped us get through this situation.
We don’t need to micromanage our son so much - As much as I have tried so hard not to over parent my son, I think I was definitely micromanaging and trying to always be SO present with him that it was a bit much before. I have learned that it is okay to relax a bit more and while I try so hard to be fully present for him, when we were deep in things while he was home with us all the time, I also had to realize that being totally present for a tiny human 24 hours a day is unrealistic and that it is okay not to be able to do that.
Some screen time is okay - we were definitely one of those very strict screen time families before all this started. Luca had barely ever even seen a movie! That just was not possible during quarantine with all of us home and being in a dual working family. So, we relaxed the rules and while we try to keep some limits on it now, I’m generally much more flexible and okay with our son having some screen time especially if it helps our life run a bit more smoothly.
Having a son who slept really well from 6 months to 3 years is a gift (especially now that this time seems to have ended) - Since our son recently made the transition to a toddler bed, I have never been more retroactively grateful for all the times that he slept relatively peacefully and easily. We were so lucky to have the time we had, especially now that we are in a whole new territory with him struggling to sleep in his room!
Never, ever get too confident as a parent - This one is possibly the most important one of all and directly follows our thoughts about sleep! I truly thought that we might have missed the whole, testing limits and climbing out of the crib phase. I thought we might have the magic child who just stays in there until we, the parents, were ready to make a big transition. Well, I totally was wrong and have learned what I feel is the ultimate parenting less - don’t ever think something won't happen to you because it most likely will in some way or another!
What I truly miss is connecting with my family, friends, and colleagues - While this might go without being said, this situation has helped my family re-evaluate our values as a family and how we spend our time. The thing I miss the most about our life is being able to freely spend time with friends and family. I think this is a great realization so that we can re-organize our time a bit more in the future too!

I hope this might help some of you who are also wading through the pandemic parenting part of our lives! My biggest goal is to always let parents know that they are not alone. We are truly all in this together and now more than ever, I believe we are all doing the best we can and that we are incredibly human and will make mistakes along the way. That’s okay. We can get through this one moment at a time!

And of course, if you or your loved ones are in need of support, we are now accepting new clients throughout California via telehealth at Thrive!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

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What do kids really need right now from parents?

9/18/2020

I can still remember the complex mix of emotions I felt after having my son, who is now 3. The love, adoration, and awesome responsibility of having this tiny human in our lives was overwhelming. That responsibility in the beginning at times manifested as fear. I still remember wondering why on earth anyone would trust me with this perfect tiny person… Surely there are more “adult like” adults around to take better, more perfect, care of him?

I also remember thinking to myself, wow, if I am feeling this way as a person with decades of childcare experience plus a doctorate degree which I use daily to work with children, parents, and families… This is a crazy parenting world I am entering. I remember reflecting on parenting culture prior to having a child myself and having some semblance of understanding of the intense pressure on parents. But man it sure sank in once I had our son and felt the intensity of the weight of the pressure on parents myself.

This pandemic has been, for me, most similar to either my very raw and emotional teen years or my new motherhood months. I have felt so much more aware of the responsibility I have of keeping my son safe but also keenly aware of his development and how each and every choice we make impacts him. It has been emotionally overwhelming at times and it has become easy to fall into the trap of thinking that someone out there must have the answers of how we get through this and protect our children from harm at all costs.

I can recognize now the fear and sincere worry for his well being that has been underneath all of this. I also am the first person to say that parenting from fear is truly never the way to go. Our fears, particularly during a pandemic, need to be recognized, acknowledged, and then given the energy that is warranted. But no, we can’t live in the fear and we certainly don’t want our kids to either. This brings up the question, if keeping my entire family home in a bubble is not the thing to do, what should I try to do instead?

This brings up an even bigger question for parents, what do our children really need from us, particularly now in a pandemic?

Love
Belonging
Connection and communication
Trust
Hope
Comfort
Stability where possible

What all of this boils down to is that our kids need a parent who is emotionally connected and attuned to their experience to help them get through this situation as best we can. We need to help them feel safe and secure while not doing things we would normally do and this can be accomplished simply if we have released our own fears about “what if” and “what could be” and just live in the moment with them. We need to let ourselves know that, now more than ever, they just need us. They don’t need some different, more perfect version of us that can somehow fix all of this for them, they just need US. Our messy, emotional, challenged, tired selves.

I am a big believer in the idea that there are no perfect parents but even more so now. None of us will weather this storm making perfect decisions and preventing every challenge. It is just not possible. All we can do is emotionally meet as many of our kids’ needs as possible and ride this out together.

I have been enjoying a few podcasts recently that I wanted to mention here for any of our readers who are looking for more support in an audio version!

Janet Lansbury - Unruffled
Ask Lisa - The Psychology of Parenting

Both of these present helpful parenting tips and tools while also understanding that parents are human and going to struggle, especially right now. This is a tough world to live in as a parent and we can only take it one day at a time right now.
If you or your loved ones would like more support, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at Thrive! We have space for a few new clients and would love for that to be you!

Why was August so awful for so many people?

9/11/2020

While the past 5-6 months of living through a pandemic have certainly not been enjoyable for most of us, it seems like August was a TOUGH month for many people. In the beginning of this crisis, it seemed like different people were struggling with different things. Single or young people were struggling with the social isolation and boredom of staying home so much. Parents were struggling with the sheer magnitude of tasks facing them with having their kids all home. Working parents were just frantically trying to get anything done at any time of the day.

August though was different and as someone who works with and talks to people in so many different situations, it was interesting that my clients, friends, colleagues, family, and even myself were having such a universal parallel experience of August being an extremely difficult month to get through. It seems that most of us hit a “pandemic wall” and just had some period of time where we just couldn’t face our reality. The reality being that it became super clear that we are going to be in this for a LONG TIME. Especially here in San Diego, once schools started announcing the change to all virtual learning in the fall, it was like a domino effect of families sharing just how hard this is for them.

I think that while many of us, myself included, saw the writing on the wall a while ago and realized that this situation is not ending anytime soon - it didn’t become truly real until these announcements and the ripple effect of realizing we are going into fall and flu season with a barely controlled virus already circulating. For me at least, it was like the cumulative pressure, stress, sadness, despair, grief, frustration, and every other feeling I have had for the past 5 months just bubbled up all at once and overwhelmed me and led to a feeling of deep weariness. There was even a day or two where it just felt kind of hopeless. I remember thinking, if this is how I feel, as a therapist who can usually manage my emotions pretty well at this point, how is everyone going to get through this!

I also remember then seeing my pain mirrored in everyone’s faces for weeks and noticing that almost everyone I talk to had at least one period of time in August that was a significant low or change from their usual. This led me to think… What happened in August? Here are some of my thoughts and a few ideas of how we can cope.

The adrenaline ran out.. I think we collectively just kind of ran out of gas. I think the initial few months of the pandemic were just pure panic mode for many people and then summer was a bit more relaxed. Now, we have just run out of speed to do any of the things fall might require particularly online learning and school for families and kids. For those where it did not go well in the Spring with online learning, families seemed to start feeling just one big sense of dread and anxiety waiting for this to start again.
- How can we cope? I’ve been encouraging families in this situation to work on coming up with a plan together as a family to work on the things that were tough before to make them better. If your family struggled to reduce screen time, come up with realistic goals and other activities together now so that it might be an easier sell for all of you when it gets tough in the fall.

Grief… I think that summer gave some people a bit of a reprieve from their usual challenges. Whether it’s because of time off, vacations they managed to still take, or just enjoying the weather and beach days - summer gave a sense of relief and normalcy for some. I think that sadly though, this also brings up grief related to the fall and what we would “usually” be doing. Preparing for school in person, picking out clothes, preparing for holiday trips, etc. And due to the severity of the pandemic, a lot of this feels uncertain and difficult to plan around.
- How can we cope? What we can do is allow ourselves to feel our grief and to notice that we are grieving our usual routines and rituals that come up during different times of the year. It’s okay to notice that we are sad that our lives have changed so much. In that, none of us are alone as this is something everyone is feeling right now.

We are missing a future to look forward to… While it is smart not to plan too much right now in a world where so much has changed so quickly, this leaves us all without much to look forward to. I think many people are often working towards future goals or fun vacations and spending so much of our lives on pause has been difficult. While I am a believer in learning how to enjoy the moments and the small things in life, it is easier said than done!
- How can we cope? I know one way we are coping with this is by having a family plan about what we want to do when it is safe to do things again. For us, it’s definitely going to be some sort of vacation. Another way I personally cope with this is by making a gratitude list every day of 10 things. I list 10 because that way I have to come up with more than just a few and it takes me a bit more time reflecting to do so. This hopefully helps shift my mindset towards gratitude and away from belaboring my challenges.

Just like any hard thing in life, this pandemic feels like it is challenging all of us to learn more about ourselves, our worlds, our families, and how we get through hard things. I believe that the more we can try to lean in to the discomfort and find some kind of learning or positive experience in this mess, the better we will all be when we come out of this! Hopefully this blog helped some of you consider ways to take our struggles and cope a bit more effectively with them. While the pandemic will go away (it really will!), our struggles as humans will not. So coping is our only path forward!

Distance Learning Tips for Teens and College Students

9/4/2020

As a follow up to our post helping parents support their younger children engage in distance learning, we wanted to share some ideas for teens and young adults as they adjust to virtual learning this semester!

Getting organized
- Establish a daily routine so that schoolwork is the priority and is completed before other tasks you need to do later in the day. You will be less motivated as time passes.
- Stick to your schedule, but be flexible. Try creating a daily to-do list, and move lower priority tasks to the next day if they absolutely cannot be accomplished in time. Your well-being is more important during this time!
- Separate your workspace from areas you use to relax. Blending the two areas could make “turning off” your brain more difficult when you need to rest.
Increasing focus/attention
- Use headphones to reduce distraction
- Take snack and lunch breaks. You will need brain fuel throughout the day.
- When possible, take movement breaks. Sitting in front of the screen for too long is not good for both your physical and mental health.
- It’s okay to “check out” whether it’s scrolling through social media or grabbing a snack, just be sure to set start and stop times.
Setting yourself up for success
- Establish healthy habits for sleep, exercise, and nutrition.
- Have time set aside for virtual socialization with peers. You don’t have to go through it alone!
- Be kind to yourself and be realistic with your expectations- distance learning is not for everyone. You might not do as well as you did in-person, and that is OKAY.
- If possible, set up a weekly virtual study group with peers (even if you don’t share the same classes). You will have someone to keep you accountable and distance learning will feel less isolating.

We hope this helps all of us adjust as well as possible during this challenging time as students, and families. The best we can do is just approach it with a positive attitude, be prepared (hopefully by using some of our tips), and try to be flexible with our expectations and adjust as needed over time! If any of our readers need further support, please feel free to reach out to us at Thrive!

Distance Learning Tips for Children

9/2/2020

As therapists who work primarily with children, teens, and their families, we at Thrive have all been witnessing just how stressful this fall has been for families. Everyone seems worried and anxious about distance learning so we thought we would put together some tips to help families adjust as best as they can! This blog reviews our tips for younger children and we will post one about teens later this week!

Get organized
- Create a schedule: dedicate study time, live instruction time, and break times
- Schedule something active (not screens) for break time (remember, kids are used to having recess at school!). Try walking around the block, playing in the backyard, or even a fitness video indoors. This will help them get the energy out and be able to focus on other tasks.
- Set up a dedicated study area and a break area. If your child is younger, they might need to be in the same room as you because they need more guidance. Older children who can do independent work should be in an area where they won’t be distracted.
- Have all the necessary supplies at their study station to reduce distraction when they need to get up and grab something
Increasing focus/attention
- Use headphones to reduce distraction. It’ll also let other people in the home focus on their own work.
- Have non-distracting fidget toys for children who crave sensory input (ones without sounds or will cause a big distraction for the class)
  - Ex - Putty, stretchy/rubber worms, stress ball or squishy, magnets
- If sitting, make sure the child is in a 90/90/90 position.
  - 90 Degree angles at elbows, hips, and knees with feet flat on the floor
- If your child cannot sit still try using alternatives to sitting
  - Ex - Laying on stomach, standing desk, sitting on yoga ball or wobbly chair
Manage stress
- This is an unusual situation! It is normal to feel stressed, anxious, or have high emotions. No one can expect parents to be a full-time teacher nor for children to do as well as they did with in-person learning.
- Offer reassurance that this is tough and others are probably struggling too. Contact the teacher or the child’s support team if assignments or classes are too challenging (is their room to adapt or offer flexibility?)
- Help children maintain contact with their friends. The thrill of starting school is usually when you see your friends again. With online learning, this isn’t possible. Schedule Facetime/Zoom calls for them with their classmates outside of class time.
- Be compassionate and patient. Your child is probably trying their best. Tune in to what they need. Maybe they need more movement breaks than they are allowed. Have structure, but don’t be too rigid.

For most families, this is going to be a huge adjustment and possibly very challenging. The best we can do is just approach it with a positive attitude, be prepared (hopefully by using some of our tips), and try to be flexible with our expectations and adjust as needed over time! If any families need further support, please feel free to reach out to us at Thrive!

Biggest lessons of parenting a toddler during the pandemic

What do kids really need right now from parents?

Why was August so awful for so many people?

Distance Learning Tips for Teens and College Students

Distance Learning Tips for Children

Blogs from the Thrive Family!

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