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 By: Dr. Erica WollermanAs a new parent, I can think about parenting and my new mom life a lot. Like all day long… Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the first year of parenting and contemplating why I am like this. Why I can spend all day considering exactly what toothbrush and toothpaste would be best for Luca now that he needs to be brushing his teeth. Why I can spend so long considering recipes and what he should eat, let alone how much and when he should eat!
I’ve come to the conclusion that this is clearly insanity. Motherhood induced insanity perhaps. I would say it’s sleep deprivation related but we are one of the lucky families who has a baby who sleeps and sleeps pretty well. So this leaves me considering why I am clearly insane… Here’s what I came up with. I think that our parenting culture gives parents the sense that they are somehow entirely responsible for everything about their child. (And yes, part of that is obviously true for those of you thinking, yes, Erica, that is clearly obvious.) What I mean is that parents think that everything they do matters SO much in the long run that it becomes hard to know what to do. There are thousands and thousands of parenting books, resources, and blogs online that there are just so many opinions out there about how to be the best possible parent for your child. It becomes really overwhelming to figure out what is truly best for you because there are so many opinions out there. Add in the fact that most of these theories and strategies give you the sense that you can almost curate qualities in your child that you want, and it is a dangerous combination of parents feeling completely in control of their child not just in the present but for everything in their life. Enter parenting guilt and anxiety anyone? Interestingly as a therapist, I LOVE working with parents. So much so that working with parents is a big part of my practice. Most of the parents I work with are absolutely amazing people and amazing parents. However, most of them think that their child is struggling because of things they (the parents) did. What I tell them is that there is no way of knowing this for sure and that while our choices as parents obviously matter, there are going to be things completely out of our control. As a parent, this idea is totally anxiety provoking. Partially because none of us want to watch our kids struggle and also because we get this message from current American parenting culture that we are totally in control of what happens for them and in their lives and development. The thought is: if you parent this way, your kid will be like this. This makes me think that perhaps our culture and current approaches towards parenting breed anxious parents. I have to say that I am much more anxious than usual as a parent. If you didn’t know that my overthinking I was talking about is definitely a sign of anxiety (and perfectionism), that’s what that is! That is me obsessing and trying to control the world for Luca. The most interesting experience for me as a parent has been the comingling of my work and my home life. I can’t say my opinions have changed about parenting but I do definitely think that my personal experiences really help me understand what the parents I work with are going through. I can’t help but think that if I, as a psychologist who specializes in children, teens, families, and parenting, feel this entirely lost at times and unsure of myself, what does everyone else feel? Anxious, worried, stressed, overwhelmed, sad, lost? I think many of us feel all of these things regularly. And then we, like the good students we are and the parents trying desperately to do a good job, research and read and listen to podcasts and exhaust ourselves trying to make the “right” decision. And then these books and parenting theories tell us that yes, there is a “right” decision and not just that, but there is a “wrong” one that leads to terrible outcomes. Here are some of the truths about parenting I try to keep in mind while I am anxious about how things are going:
I try to also remember that my biggest goals for parents that I work with at Thrive is to help them understand and communicate their love to their children in more effective ways. We talk about how they communicate and how they repair things when they mess up. And we hold space for the fact that none of us are perfect and that this is okay. I imagine that if we all had some faith that things were going to be okay for us and for our kids, we would be much less anxious as a culture and group. I’m working on it myself and would love to support any of you in working on it too! First, let’s all take a deep breathe and for goodness sake, put down Facebook and Google searches! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. By: Dr. Erica Wollerman As a new-ish mom and owner of a small business, I am far busier than I ever really have been in my life. Seriously, I’m even busier now than in grad school, completing a dissertation, and working three jobs in undergrad. The challenge for me now though is that my busy life is filled with a lot of things that I feel I have to do so that I can be the best me I can be in all the areas of my life. I really want to bring my best version of myself to my work for my clients and Thrive team members as well as to my family and friends! I especially want to be my best self for my little man Luca. I was chatting with another new-ish mom friend of mine recently and we were talking about our to-do lists. We had a lot of complaints you would expect – they are so long and never feel done. The interesting part is that on our to do lists are things like, well, I need to read a chapter in my book at night so that I can sleep well, or, I need to go for a walk and stretch so that my back does not hurt. The conclusion that we drew was that even self-care feels like another item on our to-do list! For women who are already overwhelmed, this is even more overwhelming and makes the activities we are “supposed” to enjoy, feel like tasks to check off rather than “self-care.” I started thinking about the idea of self-care and how it has become such a buzz word in our culture, especially therapist culture. While I think self-care is obviously important, I also think there might be a better way than the way I am doing it. Which is essentially, a mad, moderately perfectionistic dash towards wellness. Here’s a snapshot of my brain: Luca goes to bed at 7pm so I am going to rush home as soon as possible from work to spend time with him until 7, do all the household things that need to get done in that time while I spend quality time with him so that at 7, I can maximize my time and either go for a walk or do some work leftover from the day, or spend time with my husband, or do my nails, or watch a show, or take a bath, etc. Even better if I can do multiple things at once, right? Some of my mentality and tendency towards a frenzy of productivity comes from having an appreciation for time that only comes after not having any while you have a newborn. Some of this comes from having a deep appreciation for what ingredients I know help me be a better functioning person. I tend to do really well when things in my life are balanced and I have some time alone reading, some time to exercise, some time with work, and some time with my family each day. Oh and I like a clean house with things seeming somewhat orderly. While I have been mulling this over, I have realized that the crucial ingredient to my self-care is for it to feel like a choice and to be something I take the time to enjoy. While maybe I still rush home to see Luca, spend time with him while also cleaning up the house and dinner, so that I have time to do more things that fuel me in the evening… the key is to be more mindful of the choices I am making and present focused during all of the tasks. The key is to truly appreciate whatever I am doing at any given moment and to find it something to enjoy, rather than to just check off a list. Sometimes it helps me to remember to tell myself, I “get” to do this, rather than I “have” to do this. Small changes in our self-talk really can influence the way we feel about our lives! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. |
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