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 As a recovering perfectionist, it can be tough for me to assess when I think I am meeting my own goals and when enough is enough in my life. This is something that I have learned to balance and work through during normal life but I have noticed that this has been a much bigger challenge during the Covid19 pandemic. I have noticed this for myself as well as almost across the board for my clients who also struggle with perfectionism. While we can always theoretically, in our heads, understand that yes, we are living in a pandemic and that it is REALLY HARD; it seems to be a whole other thing to figure out what is actually realistic to expect of ourselves or even others right now. There also seems to be a competing push-pull kind of dynamic within me lately where there is part of me that is like, let’s take this opportunity to relax and just slow our lives down and enjoy the simpler things. Then there is a whole other side that is like, “that is total BS and I want to do ALL the things and if ALL the things aren’t possible, I want to at least do everything that I am ABLE to do right now. I want to bake, and garden, and decorate my house, and work on work projects, and home projects, and accomplish every health goal I have ever had - oh and spend as much quality time with my family as possible!” Wait, does that side sound a bit unhinged and out of touch with reality? It certainly does when you write it out and consider just how much stress many of us are enduring right now given the state of our world. It seems obvious in this moment that it is unrealistic to expect that much of myself given the fact that life is so much simpler but also more complicated these days. Decisions have become exponentially more complicated due to all the variables we need to consider. When doing something, we have to now consider our safety and possible risk in addition to all the variables we used to consider like time, resources, finances, desires and interest in doing things. Our cost/benefit analyses of situations have gotten more complicated along with our decisions. After over 5 months of living like this, I think most of us are worn out from how tiring and overwhelming this new reality is… I think that part of why we want to accomplish ALL of the things is so that we can live more in a space of doing rather than being. The truth is, it’s hard to just BE right now because to do that we likely need to feel a lot of the feelings that doing helps us avoid. It’s really painful to grieve our lives in such a dramatic way and sit with the pain of knowing that this situation does not seem to be getting any better anytime soon and is so dramatically impacting so many people much more seriously than many of us. The sadness, grief, and feelings of despair can be overwhelming for many of us. And for some of us, we respond by making dramatic to-do lists of all the things we should do. I think that as long as we are being kind, compassionate, and realistic with ourselves and our expectations and can hold space for the fact that that just might be unrealistic and need to be revised, this might be an okay strategy to get through this time. If we are struggling with being kind to ourselves and changing up our plans when we need to, we might need to take some time to lean into those feelings and let them have some space for a minute so that we can figure out what is going on and what we need to get through this. Even more so lately, life seems to be a delicate balance between finding motivation and energy for the future and our goals but also letting ourselves enjoy the moments we do have now and resting or finding something to do that is rejuvenating to our spirits and emotions. Just like everything else, this is more complicated than it used to be as there are more variables to consider. It is however, a worthwhile and important process to engage in to help us cope as best we can with a very difficult and uncertain future. If you or your loved ones need more support during this time, we are accepting new clients at Thrive via telehealth and work with clients of all ages! Contact us today for more information about individual or group therapy sessions! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  How can we help our kids and loved ones feel less ashamed of their differences, struggles, and challenges? One word, Normalize things. First, what does it mean to “normalize” something? Often, in the therapy world, a lot of us refer to what we do as therapists as “normalizing.” I thought it might be interesting to share about both what that means exactly as well as just how important it is to do this for all of us, especially parents! When I first start meeting with a client, one of my biggest goals is to build a relationship with them built on trust as well as helping them view themselves the way I often do... As a person who most likely is struggling with something (that is why people come to therapy after all) but who also has strengths and so much to offer the world. No matter the age, the topic of “is this normal?” or “am I weird?” or “is this crazy?” inevitably comes up. Everyone feels a bit uncomfortable coming to a therapist and sharing their story for the first time, even those of us in the field! As humans, we are driven to connect with others and fear being cast out as “strange, weird, or not normal.” So, my goal is to create a safe space for my clients to know that they can be comfortable sharing anything and everything with me. Even their most shameful secrets or thoughts are fair game and not something that I am going to even have a big reaction to. You see, I view people from a different perspective than most. I view people from an inherently positive perspective where I believe that we are all doing the best we can in our lives and that we are all flawed and amazing all at once. I also believe that the more we can learn to embrace the parts of us that are deeply challenging, our uncomfortable emotions like jealousy and anger and fear or even our actions we feel terrible about later - the more we can reconcile our identities and grow towards being more integrated people. You see, when we are more integrated and more of our unconscious thoughts and feelings are brought to the light, the more we can act in our lives with intention and purpose rather than acting out old patterns and wounds without even knowing we are doing that. So, to help with this, my goal is always to help people not feel “other” and “different” for their struggles. This is what we therapists mean by “normalizing” the experiences our clients share with us. I started thinking that maybe this is something I could help other people do too as when anyone shares something tough, it is a great way to be able to respond that actually helps them rather than making them feel worse. Here are 5 Key Phrases that are simple to incorporate into day to day conversations and that help people feel less alone, weird, or crazy when they are struggling:
The trick with these conversations is to just join with the person in the feeling of discomfort or even pain and to not then try to fix it. Sharing it with them can be as powerful as holding an umbrella over someone else’s head when there is an unexpected storm. As a therapist, I also often use tools like books to help trigger these conversations with younger kids. I was recently shown a preview of a great book now on Kickstarter, called “We’re All Weird.” I’d encourage you to check it out here and full disclosure, if you use my link, I do get a small bonus. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  If anyone had told me at the beginning of 2020 that planners would end up being useless filler paper and that all of our plans were going to be just thrown out altogether, I would have laughed in disbelief and maybe tinged with a bit of fear and alarm. This has certainly been a wild ride for 2020 and I thought it might be helpful to check in about how we are all doing and coping. From what I observe, it seems like many people and families started off quarantine strong and feeling some sense of unity in the fact that we were all doing the same thing to try to protect our society. While that was challenging, it seemed like the feeling of togetherness and time limited nature of our perception of the situation helped some of us cope with it. Now that we are well into August and continuing to live very different lives than we did pre-pandemic, I wanted to give us all an opportunity to take stock of how we are doing and what we might need to do to help ourselves continue on during this time. I have observed many of my clients and friends and family members struggling with similar things. One of which is the fact that this seems like it is going to last a long time. While many of us have gotten our lives to a place where they are slightly manageable (for us daycare was a game changer and for other families we know, involving family or nannies, or having a parent reduce work hours has helped too) - they are still not the most enjoyable at times. While I’m not sure I can promise that my thoughts or suggestions can make living through a global pandemic FUN, I do think that there are ways we can work through this difficult time more effectively.
I truly hope that it is helpful for you to check in with yourself to gauge how you and your family are doing during this time in our world. What would you like to be doing more of? What is it about the pandemic that is difficult for you and how can we manage those feelings? While I tend not to be a person who enjoys journaling, I obviously enjoy blogging and use this space to help me process the world. Perhaps you would like to blog or journal as well! If you or your loved ones are struggling, as so many of us are, you are not alone. Please reach out to us at Thrive if we can help support you in any way! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  It’s hard to believe that we have all been living through this pandemic since March. And it’s really tough that in many places in our country the challenge of containing Covid19 seems to only be increasing, which sadly is only placing more pressure on parents and students with many schools announcing that they will be online only in the fall. At our office, we are hearing about the very real impact this is having on families particularly families where both parents work outside the home. While the impact of these choices is definitely impacting families with young children dramatically, I felt it might also be important to speak to ways it is impacting our teens and young adults as well. Plus, then we can talk about how parents can try to help! I have noticed that teens and young adults are struggling with similar things as the adults and parents I talk to. They feel that this situation has gone on far longer than anticipated and fear there is no end in sight. They worry about their futures and how they are going to be impacted by the economy as well as how to safely pursue their goals. Some are graduating and unsure of their next steps while others are having to adjust all of their plans from where they will live to where they can work or get an internship. Covid19 has truly upended everything for all of us and while teens and young adults have the ability to do many things online, they are still being hit hard by this situation. While parents of younger children are sharing that their kids want to be with them all the time, parents of teens and young adults might be noticing that their kids are more frustrated and wanting to be away from them more. I think a big part of this is that for many of them, they are in a part of life when they want to be showing their independence outside of their families. They want to flex their wings of freedom and fly free as much as possible. Unfortunately, that is not an option for so many of them right now which is a big part of why some of them might be grumpy or irritated at home. As parents, I think there is some of this that is just the storm we are all weathering right now. We might need to just accept that this is how things are for our family during a pandemic - with everyone often in their separate rooms. However, I do think that parents can try a few things to better support their teens and young adults right now. Here are 5 suggestions of things you can try today:
I hope these suggestions help you and your family cope with this unprecedented time more effectively! If you would like more support, please subscribe to our newsletter, follow us on social media, or feel free to reach out to see if we can help you and your family during this time. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  Every blog that I write lately, I want to begin with both - how is it already August but also, what a long year 2020 has become. It truly has just been such a challenge for all of us and while each of our storms is slightly different, we have all certainly been in a storm of some kind these days. For many of us, we may be trying to cope by using various methods of self-care like exercise, sleeping, baking, cooking, hobbies, cleaning, etc. Some people may be wondering why they are doing all of these things if they don’t seem to have lasting change and results in terms of “feeling better.” The layers of challenge that we have all been faced with are so immense that I think it is worth mentioning that while self-care can help us tolerate and get through and cope with our situations, it is not going to alleviate all of our suffering and emotional discomfort or pain during a situation like this. The truth is that while self-care has been touted as the new “be all end all” of solutions to help us cope, it is a term that seems to also be synonymous with “not feeling upset anymore, not struggling, not being so darn tired, etc.” Unfortunately, while coping skills and self-care strategies are helpful, they are band-aids when the real problem we are dealing with is living lives that are not sustainable for one reason or another. Unfortunately, no amount of self care will take away the discomfort we feel from living lives that are not sustainable. The unsustainable status of your life might be because of impossible expectations of yourself or others, the heaviness of our current social and political climate, declining health of yourself or a family member, or living without an alignment of your values and actions. Coping skills and self care are a bandaid meant to reduce intensity of symptoms so that you are able to do the work that is needed to make real change in your life. This is the thing that many of us get entirely wrong about self-care or coping strategies - they are not the solution in and of themselves. They are just there to help the pain you are in be less acute so that you can address the root causes of the pain. If you’ve been trying to fix things and feel less through self care or coping skills, you’re not doing it wrong. But you’re not feeling better because you’ve got more work ahead of you. The work is in the incredibly intense and sometimes painful but also keenly rewarding work of taking a deep, long look at your life and exploring what is working for you and what is not. This requires exploring yourself, your patterns, how you cope, what you react to, and what your underlying beliefs, assumptions, expectations, and values are both of yourself and of others. While this process is intense and difficult, it is no less intense or difficult than repeatedly trying to push away feelings that come up when our lives are out of balance and alignment. In order to try to figure out what is going on for you, it helps to take some space to either journal, meditate, or maybe take some time for personal reflection through reading personal growth journeys or books. You could also do this kind of work with a therapist. Often, our job is to help our clients communicate and identify their beliefs and values and hold up a mirror to help them see their life with more clarity. With that clarity and a judgment free space like our office, our clients are better able to make changes to help them feel better longer term. If you're reading this and wondering how to gain clarity about your values and how they are influencing your choices, try out the following activities:
The more we can learn to connect our day to day choices with our values and how we are living our lives, the more we can either notice that we are living consistent with our intentional values and goals or that we are not. If you aren’t finding your values line up with your choices, this consciousness can help you find small ways to make changes. If you feel frustrated often or like you are being too hard on yourself or your loved ones:
I hope this is helpful to you! I know it can be difficult to put a lot of effort into trying to cope differently and more effectively but to also not actually feel that it is helpful. I am hoping these strategies will be more beneficial in the long run even though they take more time in the short term! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. |
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