As a Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in children and teens, families often come to see me wanting help with specific behaviors that are happening in the home, at school, or in the community.  Without the verbal understanding that adults have, children often resort to tantrums, crying, screaming, and yelling much to the frustration of most parents.  It is important to remember that this behavior often serves a purpose for the child.   It can communicate things that children are either unable to say or things they may not even be aware of on a conscious level.  These are the five common needs that are communicated through behavior:
 
1. The need to connect -  Listen, I get it!  Life gets busy and responsibilities get in the way.  Not to mention, dealing with negative behaviors doesn’t make it easy to slow down and connect, but this is a fundamental need that children have on a daily basis.   Find at least 30 minutes each day to dedicate to your child.  Family game nights, art activities, family outings, etc. all allow face-to-face time with each other to improve positive connections and positive relationships.  Children are more willing to comply and behave in appropriate ways once they feel connected!  And once they feel connected, they will be less likely to engage in negative behaviors.

2. The need for autonomy – This is a tough one for all parents.  Children have a need to make their own decisions, which includes making their own mistakes.  It’s hard to sit back and watch, knowing that your child may fail, but it’s vital that they be allowed to try.  This develops courage, sense of self, and creates a supportive, loving relationship between parent and child.

3. The need to differentiate – Children are naturally curious and have a need to explore different opinions, beliefs, and values.  Being free to be curious and create an identity without shame fosters loving, healthy relationships.  This is a difficult need to balance, especially when teaching right and wrong is one of our duties as a parent.  It is important to examine our own values and if there may be any motives behind wanting a child to be a certain way.  This can allow parents to release expectations and allow children the space they need to grow into healthy, independent individuals.

4. The need for emotional comfort – Children have big emotions and equally big reactions.  It is important to remember that young children are not able to regulate themselves and sometimes need extra support.  Explain to children that ALL feelings are always okay and that they don’t need to hide them or suppress them.  I like to teach children that feelings are like waves, if you don’t fight them - they pass.  If you do fight them, they can pull you under.  Extra hugs, love, and kindness help children to overcome and learn to self-soothe.   If behavior is inappropriate, it’s okay to lovingly disengage until children calm down and then provide love and support and offer suggestions for how to handle feelings differently next time.

5. The need to feel respected and valued -  When children are non-compliant and refusing to follow instructions, it is easy for parents to react with anger.  The number one way that children learn from us is through modeling.  If we model respectful and kind behavior, our children will respond and learn in the same manner.   Remaining calm through challenges is not always easy, so don’t be afraid to take a break and address things later if you need to.  
 
Next time your child is engaging in a behavior remember that they might be communicating a need and being aware of this is the first step towards helping your child to engage in more positive behaviors.
 
If you’d like to speak with someone regarding how to better understand and modify a child’s behavior, you can reach a Thrive Therapist at 858-342-1304.
 
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As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome. Contact us regarding any issues around child, teen psychotherapy and adult San Diego psychologist at Thrive Therapy Studio.  

One of the most common questions parents have at my office is how to manage their afternoons once their kids are out of school. This is super understandable as parents want their kids to enjoy their time out of school but also typically have a lot to accomplish in an evening! Here are some strategies and tips that can help your afternoons go a bit smoother.
 

1. Create a schedule at the beginning of the school year – even better if you can create a visual schedule somewhere in your home. This way your kids know what to expect after school.
2. Have realistic expectations. Try not to pack too much into those precious hours after school so that your child is then feeling rushed and stressed, which will impact their behavior, mood, and sleep!  Limiting your schedule to only one additional activity each day can help, or even no activities is okay!
3. Schedule in a break that meets your particular child’s needs. Each child needs something slightly different after school. Some kids do great with jumping right into homework while they eat a snack, others may need a bit more time to decompress before starting their homework, while still others need to do their homework in small doses throughout the afternoon. Keep in mind how your child does with transitions when deciding how many and how long of a break to give.
4. Limit “screen time” until after homework or other essential tasks are done. One of my favorite principles is the Premack Principle, which suggests that we first should do things we don’t really want to do and then the things we enjoy doing. This is basically the rule behind dessert coming after dinner or parents saying, eat your vegetables first. So, if your child struggles to either end their screen time or to transition away from it, definitely have that be one of the last activities they engage in!  
5. Involve your child in the discussion about their schedule. It usually helps if your child has some perceived control over their schedule. For example, you can sit down and ask for their thoughts… It would look like this, “so, after school we need to accomplish this, this, and this, what do you think would be best to do first?” This does not mean that you will always do things the way they ask for it to be done, just asking for their input goes a long way! It will help if you have an idea of all the tasks to do ahead of time and even have them written down on slips of paper you can organize in a list. Then, you just have to assign a time frame to each one.

 
Please feel free to check out some of my favorite after school routine resources on my pinterest page here! 
 
You can also contact our office to talk and consult about what might suit your particular child best in your after school routines (or morning/evening routines too!).
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending Teen counseling in San Diego with one of us, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.  We are a San Diego Counseling practice.  
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.