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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
In preparation for the Fourth of July next week, I was thinking about the biggest challenges some families face on this day. While we have talked a lot in past blogs about how to support kids who are emotionally dysregulated on big holidays, we have not discussed the impact of these events on our more anxious children.
Children who are more anxious can be naturally more impacted by holidays and big events, particularly days like the Fourth of July that often involve loud, at times unpredictable, fireworks. While it makes sense that this would be difficult for them, parents often forget that even fun events can feel really scary depending on your child’s personality, temperament, and possible anxious symptoms. If your child has had a tough time in past holidays, these suggestions will help you manage the situation differently for this Fourth of July!
I hope this is helpful in preparing you for the festivities of the weekend and week to come! As always, if you need more support or have any questions about the topics shared in my blogs, please feel free to reach out to our team at Thrive for help! You can also sign up for our newsletter to stay updated on upcoming events and opportunities at Thrive!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
As a mom and therapist, I have learned that there are lessons in almost anything we do. Interestingly, one of my latest “lessons” came while I took my son to a pool with a huge inflatable obstacle course. And when I say “lesson,” what I mean is something that I really do know intellectually but, at times, is hard to follow because my emotions might get in the way.
Anyways, what happened is that I took my son to this pool to meet some friends and for him to swim and play on this rather large obstacle course. Despite it being entirely too cold, it was such a fun setup for him to really thrive. You see, my son is enamored with swimming and all things to do with water. He might get scared of amusement parks or small carnival rides at times, but give him a water slide, and he is in heaven. So, this was a great situation for him! Interestingly though, it was a bit tricky for me to navigate at times. You see, while my son is a “water-safe, independent” swimmer, according to his swim teacher, he often flails about when he is in another pool and especially when he is just with me or his dad. I still remember when he first went swimming with us after becoming a stronger, independent swimmer, and both of us thought that he just might drown because he was barely keeping his head above water at times. Then, we went back to his swim instructor, who told us he had regressed in his skills because we held him too much. So, that is when we first realized that he can do far more than it might seem he can do. Especially if it is something he can do independently but might wish at times for some help. Back to my story :) Here we are, in this pool with a huge inflatable course, and he falls off the edge to the other side. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go easily under it as that was against the rules. I remember thinking he would climb back up easily, but when he didn’t, I honestly got a little nervous despite the lifeguard sitting right there watching him (I could see her watching him but couldn’t see him, and he didn’t respond to me). And up until that moment, he had been grabbing onto me often so that he hadn’t been swimming on his own a lot. First, I tried to wait and thought he would yell to me or pop up somewhere on the course. But he didn’t. So, in my nervousness, I swam around to find him, and what did I see? My son just swimming as happily as can be and easily in this deep water without an issue. It was at that moment that I recalled my knowledge that kids often will do well when left on their own. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is not save or help them too much. And obviously, this would be a different story if my son was not a strong, capable swimmer. Then, it would have been negligent to wait as long as I did. But in his case, this is an area he clearly excels and does not need a lot of support. Even while I knew this about him and would give this advice to parents, I had made the same mistake that so many of my clients and other parents make. I forgot just how capable he is and how important it is for him to be able to take calculated risks and demonstrate that capability in order to build his feelings of competence and sense of self. So often, our instinct as parents is to dive in quickly and save our children from possible mistakes or problems. We can see them coming and know how to avoid them. But the trick is that our kids don’t know that yet, and they will only learn it by experience. While it might be uncomfortable for parents, we need to let them leap out of our little nest and wobble a little as they learn to fly. We can block them from hitting trees, but shouldn't worry about a slight change in course or challenge along the way. That is part of the learning process! Here are some helpful reminders for all of us parents when it comes to letting our kids take risks:
Also, summer is the absolute best time to allow your kids to take a few more risks! Usually, summer involves different types of activities, time outside, new friends, camp, etc., and these are all opportunities for your child to increase their independence and feelings of capability. Make sure to communicate to them that you have FAITH in their ability to do hard things! That you TRUST their judgment and ability to solve problems when needed. That will be huge, even if the situation is not going as planned for them. So often, kids rise to the challenge. We just need to let them and get out of their way a bit more!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Wait, we need a whole blog about how to have fun at Disneyland????
I know, I know. What has parenting come to? If our kids can’t just have fun at the happiest place on earth, what are we doing wrong!!! While this is a bit exaggerated, I would honestly say it is not exaggerated in terms of what most parents think when their child is having an epic meltdown when their super expensive, carefully planned, and completely kid-centered holiday is not going well. And believe me, I get it! My family has not yet gone to Disneyland for this exact reason. In my eyes, if we struggle at SeaWorld San Diego and Legoland, we are likely not quite ready for Disneyland! In preparation for the summer and all the exciting plans families have set up, I thought it would help to share some ideas about how to help tricky kids manage their feelings during these long days at amusement parks. While my personal and professional experience sets me up to expect certain kids to struggle in these situations, I have found that often parents do not expect it and, as a result, are often caught off guard with just their instant reactions of “How spoiled are you!” when these situations go off the rails. Even for me, this has been challenging. Recently, we let our son (age 5.5) play a video game at SeaWorld, which we thought would be a real treat because we have not yet let him really get into video or arcade games in our home. However, when it was sadly and unexpectedly (for him) short-lived, he could not regulate for about an hour. This involved lots of tears, attempted running away from us, bargaining to try and get more time to play, and honestly, pretty much sheer misery for all of us. And while it kind of proved our point that he is not quite emotionally ready for video games, it was tough to manage our reactions and approach him with empathy. I had to keep reminding myself that this is how our son learns - it, unfortunately, often involves a lot of frustration and trying to get out of the lesson in one way or another. In this one, he was learning regret as he felt he spent his money too quickly, and it was not worth it in the end. While this is such a valuable lesson, I would have loved it if he could learn it more quietly and kindly without such a scene! So, this led me to think that perhaps we should all be better prepared for challenges in these situations! Here are my quick tips to help keep in mind so that big days with your child(ren) might go a bit smoother! Going into the big day:
During the big day:
After the big day:
Keep in mind that you and your child are always doing the best you can in the situation you are in with the skills you have. Try to avoid blaming or shaming them if something is not going well or if you feel they are not acting the way you would like. Their behavior is communication, and it is important to see it as such, especially in hard and new situations! If you would like more parenting advice and suggestions, please sign up for our newsletter below, as we have EXCITING NEWS coming up at Thrive!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
Oh, summertime. The wonderfully unpredictable juggle of vacation weeks plus a variety of camps and activities for your child. Plus, a healthy dose of parenting expectations that things should be magical and wonderful for said child as “who doesn’t love camp and going on vacation!” The perfect recipe for, you guessed it, major kid meltdowns. And often, even more fun here, public kid meltdowns!
In our office, it is common to hear about carefully planned vacations going terribly wrong or kids struggling to adjust to week after week of summer camps. Unfortunately, while parents never intend to plan incredibly overstimulating and overwhelming trips and activities, summer is often exactly that for the kids we work with, particularly those with trickier personalities. You might wonder: who tends to struggle with summer transitions, vacations, and activities? While not an exhaustive list by any means, this is a general idea of kids who may struggle in this situation:
If we all stopped to think about it, it makes perfect sense that kids with the above personalities would struggle with the unpredictability of summer! Even if they pick the camps and activities, it is still very overwhelming, especially for our elementary-aged kids, to do so many new, exciting, or even scary things. This is why it is important for us as parents to set realistic expectations for ourselves and for our kids in these situations. Because guess what? As much as you don’t enjoy summer when your child is struggling, acting out, melting down, or hiding in their room refusing to go to camp or on a plane - they don’t enjoy it either! It is crucial that we remember that our kids are doing the best they can in a situation beyond their current ability to cope and regulate. If your child has struggled in summer's past or has any of the challenges described above, I would like to share suggestions about how to help make summer go better. Or perhaps just to help you set some more realistic expectations! 1. Set realistic expectations for all of you. So many parents end up in the trap of thinking that if they can pick the perfect camp or have the perfect kid-oriented vacation planned, their child, who has struggled in years past, will no longer struggle. That is just not usually the case and can add to parents' feelings of frustration when things are not going better than in the past. If your child has struggled in past summers, vacations, periods of transition, etc., please try to expect some level of challenge so you are not surprised or feeling completely frustrated that your plans did not solve the problem. You see, the problem is not actually your child. Or summer. The problem is that your child lacks the skills to manage their situation, and they most likely need to be in for one reason or another. And other than time and working with your child on flexibility, anxiety management, problem-solving, emotional regulation, attention, etc., outside of stressful situations, sometimes you will just need to ride out the challenging moments. Plus, even if you are working with your child on building skills, either through therapy, parent consultation, or parent intervention on its own, it is not a guarantee of immediate success. It takes time for people to change, kids included. We need to remember this and give them the time they need to cope differently in challenging situations! 2. Try to match your planning around your child’s personality and needs if possible. So, this means that if you have a child who is often anxious and struggles to connect with new people, I would not put them in a new camp at a new location each week, even if the camp activities or topic is amazing and a great fit for them. I just would not take that risk because I would remember that each new camp has a new routine, new people, new staff, new friends, and new expectations, and that is A LOT for a child with anxiety and social challenges. They would do better in an environment with similar kids, staff, and situations for most of the summer. If your child tends to get overly excited and easily dysregulated in situations with a lot of change and activity, I might try to modulate that by having them in a half day program or planning extra down time for them. This would look different depending on the family situation and needs, plus the kids’ needs, but it might even mean getting a nanny to share with one other family so that your child can engage but not be entirely overwhelmed. It might just mean planning a day or two of downtime before and after exciting vacations. While I can’t give examples for every type of child or each child’s personality and needs as it is so situation specific, I would encourage parents to consider:
Another example would be if your child was in a day camp and coming home each night in tears because they are struggling with kids being unkind to them. I would not just pull them out of camp the first day. First, I would try coaching them on the situation and how to handle it and give them some time to try and make a good effort with those skills. Second, after about a week, I would contact the camp staff to see if they have insight into what is happening and can help support the kids in a different way. I would then give that some time, but if the issue persists and your child is reported to be miserable ALL DAY, I think I would try to find another situation for them that summer. The goal here is that we do not jump to rescuing them without offering ideas to help solve the issues they are facing but that we do not keep them in situations that are clearly not a good fit for too terribly long without taking action. I hope these ideas are helpful! Summer is one of those times that takes so much planning, especially for dual-working families, and it can be truly difficult to manage our reaction when it does not go as planned. Try to anticipate a little bit of what might happen so you are not completely caught off guard! And do not hesitate to reach out to a professional if you could use some support in making these decisions! We are here for you! If you would like more parenting advice and suggestions, please sign up for our newsletter below, as we have EXCITING NEWS coming up at Thrive!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. 
By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
It might seem strange that a parenting consultant writing blogs filled with parenting tips and ideas would say that there is not one right way to parent. Of course it seems strange! We are parenting during a time when parents often find a specific parenting approach to use, perhaps it’s gentle parenting or respectful parenting, or attachment parenting. We also spend a lot of time reading about these ideas and philosophies.
While a part of me LOVES the amount of effort and energy that goes into parenting, particularly as a child therapist, I am also pretty concerned about that very thing. The amount of time, energy, and resources that are being put into parenting our children are truly exhausting and only burning parents out more. We need to find a way to keep things a bit simpler so that parents can actually use the information they are reading about! I will never forget how I felt when my son was a baby and, despite being a “parenting expert,” just how overwhelming it was to receive the amount of information I was flooded with daily. How to help him sleep better, which way is the best way to help him sleep, where does he sleep, how much he should be eating, how he should be fed, what kind of playtime is best, how much stimulation he needs or doesn’t need, should I hold him when he cries or not, etc., etc., etc. The list could go ON FOR DAYS! And that is just the infant stage! So often, parents are spending sooo much time reading, researching, or feeling that they should be reading and researching more. They often also have very specific ideas of how they think parenting should go and how their child should respond. There are whole books about how to help your child develop the ever-elusive “grit.” And while I certainly value grit and resilience, unfortunately, not every child will respond the same way to the strategies in the books. Or even in my blogs! The tricky thing is that once we find a parenting style that we love and feel fits us, we might believe it is the right thing for everyone else too. Or that our child should respond well to the strategy that feels right to us. Interestingly, this often does not work out so well because instead of re-evaluating a strategy when it does not seem to work well for our child, some parents will just do more of the things they think should help. And this does not just apply to the gentler parenting approaches but the harsh ones too. Parents who use physical discipline (which I do not advocate for any child or family) will often just use more physical discipline even when it is not effective. Parents who are using gentle approaches, might just be more gentle when their child is not respecting their limits. I recommend a simple solution to a complicated issue. Parents need to be flexible in how they react to their children. We need to observe our child’s personalities more to try and figure out what they respond best to and how they interpret what parents are communicating. I have met plenty of families where the parents are being so gentle but the kids really need a more firm approach. I’ve also met families whose parents are too firm, and their kids could use more play and humor in their approach. It is all about gauging what your kids need and what feels right to you. In that, it is very family, parent, and child-specific and not one size fits all. The most important thing in my eyes is for parents to find a balance of communicating unconditional love to their kids as well as firm limits and boundaries. Depending on personalities and specific situations, this will look different in each family, but these are the main ingredients to use, regardless of specific parenting philosophy. If we keep parenting more simple in the foundation of what we try to accomplish, we can help more parents feel grounded, confident, and capable in their parenting. This helps them show up as a more sturdy leader that their kids are looking for, rather than someone unsure of what they are doing. While reflecting on your parenting, start by asking yourself these questions: Are my kids feeling loved? Am I setting enough boundaries? We can always fine-tune from there! As this blog series wraps up, thank you all for reading! If you missed any of the topics please check out the below links:
Check out all of our blogs in this parenting series. Also, join our newsletter today for more information about future parenting courses that Erica is developing! You don’t want to miss this!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. |
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