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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
In our world of quick problem-solving (thanks Google), it can be easy for parents to forget that the main goal of parenting is to raise their children to be independent. Particularly with the rise of attachment parenting and gentle parenting ideas and their focus on being child-led, it can sometimes be difficult for parents to place their own agenda on their child.
As a child therapist at heart, I can’t tell you how important it is to have some goals in mind as parents. Not necessarily goals such as “My kid will go to x elite school,” or “My child will get a scholarship for x sport,” but something like, “Our family values kindness and working hard to solve problems.” Goals, or family values, are important to me because they can help us focus our energy and decision-making as parents when more difficult situations arise in our families. When I meet with parents, we often discuss the values they are trying to instill into their child’s lives and use these values to help guide parenting choices. These conversations are usually about prioritizing something that is more long-term in development over short-term parenting solutions. A prime example is facilitating your child to solve their problems. As a parent, it can be very tempting to dive in and support or even solve your kid’s problems, particularly if your child experiences problems as very frustrating and meltdown worthy, as many of them do, especially while they are young. It is very understandable for parents to get in the habit of doing too much for their kids and to keep doing it out of habit until they are far past the age of needing parents to reduce their involvement. From a young age, I think it is important to work on scaffolding our child. Scaffolding means giving them just enough support to make problems solvable rather than making them easy to solve. I believe that most kids need to experience the struggle of working hard at something (math, legos, friendship challenges, sports, etc.) before accomplishing it so that they gain confidence, frustration tolerance, and feelings of competence from experience. If parents solve the problem or support them too much, kids never feel capable and develop less emotional resilience. In fact, they often, unfortunately, feel that their parents are helping as they couldn't have done it on their own and can’t tolerate feeling frustrated or challenged. Kids who do not feel competent often become young adults who struggle to engage in “adulting” and other independent tasks that are part of growing up. They can even become adults who struggle to live independently or push themselves to take risks and move forward in life. Emotionally, they can become anxious or avoidant of any unpleasant emotion, leading them to choose less healthy coping skills. Here are some guidelines that could help you find a path to giving your child more independence at any age. Keep in mind that these are just ideas. Feel free to come up with your own as long as they are age-appropriate expectations! Additionally, when you are delegating or showing them how to do these tasks, be sure to communicate that you have faith in their ability to do what you are asking. If they protest doing it themselves, try not to get too flustered and calmly let them know they can do it. Preschool:
Elementary:
Middle School:
High School:
This list of goals is certainly not an exhaustive list; just a few ideas to help get you started! If your child is older, simply review the list and gradually add tasks. Often, kids whose parents have been more involved will resist doing things on their own either because they are unsure if they can do it or because they enjoy having someone do things for them. While this is understandable, it is really important to let them know you realize that they are more capable than you were giving them credit for and that you believe they can do everything you ask of them. You can validate their frustration or fear and express that you have faith in them. You can coach them through tasks initially but do your best to avoid taking anything back on after you have handed it off to them. Remember, our goal is to build their feelings of competence and capability! Check out our last blog in this parenting series: Parenting Tip #7: There is not one right way to parent. Also, join our newsletter today for more information about future parenting courses that Erica is developing! You don’t want to miss this!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanSo often, as a parent, I will notice myself making assumptions about my son's behavior. For example, he likes to sneak little toys or Pokemon cards to school, which his kindergarten teacher is not a big fan of (big surprise!). At times, it is easy to slip into a relatively negative and presumptuous thinking pattern like, “He just doesn’t care if he gets into trouble.” Or “He is never going to follow the rules.” And even further like, “What will happen to him if he can’t respect authority!” While this thought process is perfectly understandable, it is pretty unfair when it comes to our children and their motivations for doing things. I find it similar to when parents say something like, “They just want to scream,” or “They are just lazy.” What I tell them, and myself, when this pattern presents itself in my thinking, is this: All people are trying their best. Kids want to be “good,” and if they are showing different behavior, there is a reason. I recognize how hard it is to think this way. Most of us were conditioned in our childhoods to assume that if someone isn't doing whatever it is you think they should be doing, they are doing so intentionally. However, while people may have intentions to do certain things, often the true reasons for our behavior are unconscious. Without that level of self-awareness, we are all just sort of blundering around, acting in ways that have roots in patterns we are not even aware of. My focus as a therapist is to bring those reasons to consciousness so a person can truly make choices and be more intentional about their lives and parenting. Because I am aware of this pattern, I generally approach people differently. I approach them with curiosity and assume positive intentions. I also try to focus on this as a therapist and parent consultant, I also try to focus on this in my own life with myself and others through self-compassion (check out last week’s post here for more details about this!). And guess what? This is also a particularly helpful reminder that I try to incorporate into my parenting mindset daily. Remembering to approach people with curiosity and positive intent helps me to remember that my son wants things to go well. He wants his life to work out, just like I do. When I shift my role from less of a director, needing to dictate every area of his life, to a curious participant and guide (when allowed), it helps me remember that we are on the same team, his team. I can ask curious questions, assume that he is trying his best, and check in with him by asking questions that are using these principles such as:
Often, when we can have a dialogue like this, my goal is to lead him towards more prosocial, compassionate outcomes for him and others. However, I am trying hard not to lecture or put those values on him directly but helping him come to those conclusions himself. It is very similar to how I approach my clients in therapy. To be clear, though, if my son’s behavior crosses a line, I am, of course, stepping in with limits and sometimes consequences. So while this approach may seem “soft” to some who expect all consequences and a little conversation, it is more effective because it helps children come to their own conclusions about their actions and what they want. It helps bring their feelings to consciousness and, hopefully, avoids years of patterns that can be particularly unhelpful. Here is a real-world example of how this plays out for my family with the Pokemon card example again. When this comes up, as it so often does, instead of going into the more unhelpful narratives about my son’s choices that I described earlier in this post, I work to remember that there is a reason for his choices. I first connect with him and ask curious questions. Such as, “What do you like about bringing them to school?” and “What makes it hard to stop bringing them?” or “Are you worried about getting into trouble or the teacher’s reactions?” I hope these questions will help him reflect on his choices and develop more of an internal guideline for how he wants to handle it moving forward. Since my son is five, though, I will keep my expectations in check because what I get from him is often a discussion about how he really should be able to bring them to school. He is particularly strong-willed, as I have mentioned a few times before! So I remind myself that I am planting seeds that will hopefully grow in the future. And then I give my son the limit that since his teacher has asked for kids to stop bringing the cards to school, if he sneaks them and we find out, he will no longer be able to play with them at home. I also offer that when we have play dates with other friends, he is welcome to trade with them (as a big part of what we have learned from asking curious questions is that trading is a very social activity for the kindergarten boys at our school.) So, while he is unhappy about the outcome, my goal is to help him feel connected, understood, and cared for while also having the opportunity to reflect on his choices. I accomplish this by connecting with curiosity and asking questions rather than making assumptions. Since he is developmentally unable to make the prosocial choice, we set limits to help him with that and guide him in the direction that benefits his community and him in the end. Remember that in parenting, just like in the rest of life, it is rarely a simple approach that works best (kindness or consequences) but a blend of the two. This parenting tip is all about how we approach our thinking and, hopefully, our conversations in situations that require kindness and often consequences. Keep reading next week for Tip #6 - Allow your child to solve their problems! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanIn my office, we often discuss the impact of the way we think about ourselves or others, or even life in general, on our perception of those very things. For example, suppose we focus a lot on the difficult parts of parenting or our children and forget to notice the benefits of parenting and our children. In that case, we will naturally feel less satisfied, happy, and enjoyable overall in our families. It’s interesting because underneath all of the toxic positivity statements, such as “choose happiness,” is a shred of truth. While we can’t always just easily choose happiness, we can work to shift our perspective in a situation from a more pessimistic view to a more neutral or, at times, optimistic outlook. And this will often also help someone feel more happy or content. So while I do not subscribe to “toxic positivity” cultural ideas around how someone’s life is entirely in their control, I do believe in the power of our thoughts and interpretation of our lives. And I believe that shifting our lens in very specific ways is enormously beneficial. One of the key ingredients to shifting our perspective is to approach ourselves and others with compassion. Often, when parents are struggling with their children or with parenting in general, they are left with a shame spiral of also feeling that something is wrong with them to feel this way. They also might imagine that something is wrong with their child acting in the way they are. Most of the time, neither of these things are true. Often, children are acting in ways that make sense, given their developmental level and current skills to navigate the world. For example, a child throwing a tantrum is most likely unable to communicate their needs or emotions in any other way. Similarly, the parent who reacts to the tantrum with yelling, is most likely feeling unable to react differently due to their own childhood experiences, parenting they received, ideas they have about how their child “should” be acting, internal distress at their child’s challenges, and sensory overload. It is really tough to go through hard moments with your child. It is even harder to go through those moments and then spend hours, days, and weeks thinking about how you are a terrible parent and/or your child is incredibly damaged. While having self-compassion and general compassion for your child will not necessarily change the tough moments right away, it can take the shame away afterward. And the good news is that when we can reduce shame, we are actually more likely to learn from our mistakes and approach the situation differently in the future. Shame is an extremely triggering emotion for our nervous systems. As such, unfortunately, while we are in a deep state of shame, we are not likely to be able to learn or access the full range of ourselves that might be needed to solve a problem differently. Often, shame triggers our survival instincts or “fight, flight, freeze, fawn” responses, which are generally not helpful unless we are in a truly dangerous situation. Unfortunately, a screaming toddler is not actually dangerous! Increasing our self-compassion can help us break this cycle of parenting shame by reducing our reactivity which also allows us to be more likely to parent in a way that feels helpful to us and our children. Here are examples of ways to practice self-compassion in your parenting. These phrases are often helpful reminders in reaction to encounters with your child that do not go as you had hoped and might end up in tears (for one or both of you):
As parents, we will all make mistakes. We will all mess up and wish we could just start over again. Our children will also be imperfect and wish they could do things differently. The reason for this is not because something is wrong with us all but because we are human and we are flawed. We often learn experientially by doing rather than by thinking. While we can’t change this part of life, we can change how we view it and develop a different way to handle ourselves after a mistake. And the good news is that the more we do this with ourselves, the more we can help our children do the same for themselves, and most likely, the more we will also interact with them and their mistakes differently. Again, this is a win-win and the gift that will keep giving. Try out incorporating self-compassion today by using the phrases listed above! Read on next week for Parenting Tip #5: Assume positive intent and approach situations with curiosity At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanI still remember when my son was first born, and every stage felt like it lasted a lifetime. I agonized over every developmental milestone and decision I needed to make as his mom. The amount of money I must have spent on sleep swaddles in the early days when he was a pretty fussy sleeper is likely baffling (I’ve never tried to run these numbers, though!). Even with my years of experience working with parents and children, it took me a long while to adjust to the ever-changing demands of parenting. You see, in the beginning, I think I forgot something that I had known from my work with other people’s children and even with my adult clients. That every phase ends and everything is temporary. Being a therapist has given me a huge gift of perspective that I am not sure I would have otherwise. You see, I have watched kids (and adults) go through super hard phases and also been able to witness them coming out, often better in some way, on the other side. While I had hoped to hold onto those parts of myself as I entered my journey of motherhood, I lost my way for a while. I completely lost perspective at times and felt so anxious about everything that happened. As a therapist, a huge asset is that I can often help clients make sense of their lives by weaving their past into their present. The challenging part of this is that then, I can also be really good at forecasting problems that will arrive for my son in the future due to challenges in the present. What I often forget is what I tell parents, which is that when it comes to predicting the future or how our choices will truly impact our child later, “We don’t know.” So often, we just don’t know if any one decision (other than obviously terrible decisions) had a huge impact on a child’s trajectory in their life. We don’t have a control group to compare to, and it is not entirely fair to assume we know the outcome that would have happened if things had gone differently. As those in research often say, correlation does not equal causation. So, just because one path has some evidence that it can lead to certain unpleasant outcomes, it does not mean that this is exactly what will happen. I forgot this lesson for a long period of time and still have to work to keep this part of my brain focused at work, where it is actually helpful in making sense of our lives. Not in forecasting my son’s possible problems and future challenges! The good news is that, looking back over the past few years, I realize now that I am much more rooted in the temporary nature of our challenges and experiences that come up. We have certainly had some really tough moments, he is a very strong-willed kiddo, and it really has helped to remember that everything is temporary. For me, when I think about the temporary nature of our challenges, it helps me remember that things usually do get better. The tears, fears, and difficulties that come as a part of a child’s development do not last. I believe that this mindset also helps me hold tighter to the parts of those stages that are so sweet and enjoyable. Because I remember that they will not be like this forever, I can hold onto the snuggles that happen when Luca is sick, and my world is upended to revolve around him. I can kick off my shoes and play Legos with him on the floor for hours knowing that this is time limited. I can further embrace the joy of raising him, even on the hard days because I know that he will not always be mine. Even now, I know that he is not mine, he is his and his alone, and our time together is borrowed. So, holding the impermanence of our life together helps me remember how special it is and how much I want to experience it. Not scroll through my phone, avoid playing the boring games, or only focus on the hard parts. I want to have gratitude for my little guy and how much joy being his mom brings me. Remembering that it is temporary helps me do just that. It helps me bring in the therapist side of me that thinks, “Maybe, maybe not,” and embrace life's uncertainty, even for my child. Read on next week for Parenting Tip #4: Practice Self Compassion At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. |
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