Thrive Therapy Blog

How can we support young children during quarantine?

5/29/2020

For those of us who are parenting young children right now, the struggle is truly real. It has been and continues to be at times completely overwhelming to try to both continue to work as well as parent my own toddler. I am hearing the same from the families that I work with at my office (virtually of course right now!). I thought it might help to compile some of the things that my family has been doing to help support our son right now.

The truth is this blog post came out of a particularly difficult morning where my son was struggling to adjust on Monday to having another “dad working in the garage” morning. I could tell during breakfast that he was sad and missing dad but just couldn’t say it. Of course, these feelings then manifested into some behaviors which are of course expected at this age but can leave any parent (including me) feeling completely inept.

I wanted to offer support to other parents struggling with similar situations by sharing the way I have been trying to handle things as much as possible (believe me, I am not perfect either!).

Verbalize the emotions I think he might be feeling – since our son is not ready to share his feelings in words (we settle for his dino roars when angry these days!) – I try to help him label what is going on. Sometimes I do this in the moment if he is receptive and if not, I try to do it afterwards when he is feeling calmer.
Perspective - I put myself in his shoes as much as possible and try to remember how confusing this situation must be for him to have us home but sometimes working and sometimes all together.
Reframe - I reframe the situation to consider that he is not “giving me a hard time” but having a hard time himself.
Balance - I am trying hard to give quality time when I can and to notice when I think he needs some time to play independently
We try to keep a schedule – since my husband and I are juggling child care and work and have designated “work” or “Luca” time, this helps but I try to keep a routine in the morning that we both like… play, breakfast, play, walk, some iPad or TV time while I get ready for work
Keeping the image that everything is fine - I am working hard on relaxing while around Luca and not talking as much about the stressful things in our world - we don’t avoid the topic of why we aren’t going to daycare but keep it light referring to “germs” and wanting to stay home to stay safe together
Easy going - We have definitely relaxed some rules as well to help this situation feel a bit more fun. In the past, we used to go out and do a lot of social outings and things and since we can’t, we are trying to make things as fun as possible at home

This is a particularly hard time to be a parent to a young or school age child. As parents, we often are the ones setting the tone in our families and I notice that while my family is adjusting to this situation, we are much quicker to struggle than we used to be. I think this is just the nature of the situation so we are trying to be proactive in our self-care right now.

If you are struggling to figure out how to engage in self-care because most of what you used to do is now unavailable (ex. Massages, nights out, time away, gym classes, beach days, etc.), try to start with thinking about your personal needs. And not what you think you should need but what you really need as a person to thrive. For me, I need some down time as well as time to feel connected with friends and our community. While this is by no means as possible for me as it was before, I have found that even a little bit of time by myself (even just a walk on the weekends alone) and just a little bit of time to miss a daily routine like bedtime has been helpful. I am fortunate that I have a partner who can help with this and recognize that some people don’t have that available right now. I would encourage you still to focus on figuring out what it is you are looking for in your life and strategies or ways to access it, even while social distancing.

As always, I am of the belief that the more parents are feeling effective, peaceful, and calm within themselves, the more they can parent from a place of intention and less reaction.

At Thrive, we are happy to help support you and your family if you are struggling right now! We are accepting new referrals both for individual therapy and parent consultation but also group therapy! We have three groups currently – Teen Anxiety, Young Adult, and Parent Support. Check out this page for more information about our groups!

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.

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Can we "cancel" the word "should?"

5/23/2020

"As it should be"
“You should”
“I should”

How often do we all hear some variation of these kinds of statements either within ourselves and our thoughts or from others in our world? We are all inundated with information about what we “should” be doing which essentially becomes a list of the ways we are failing or also a way for others to impress upon us their values and what they think about our lives, choices, etc.

I’ve personally decided that I’m done with statements like that. You see, as a recovering perfectionist, these statements are like poison for my brain. In the past, I would agonize over the shoulds in the world and use them as ammunition against myself. My list of shoulds was a list of failures and ways to remind myself that I’m lacking.

I notice a trend right now in my work and that’s that a lot of people seem to be bumping up against their ideal expectations of others, or themselves. Fueled by perfect images on social media or just our own thoughts of what we ‘should’ or what our kids or partners ‘should’ be like or be doing right now. I feel concerned about how much this is going to impact all of us going forward as the mixed messages between “take care of yourself - it’s a pandemic” and “you should really get your beach body, have a color-coded parenting chart, etc.” are just downright confusing. Additionally, we are all operating in more isolation than we have in the past, so we have less positive input from others as well as less opportunities to feel supported interpersonally. This leads us to be ripe for insecurity and uncertainty about our choices - and especially vulnerable to shaming statements that lead with the idea of “should.”

It’s important to note that our ideal thoughts of who we should be or want to be are just that, an ideal. It’s great if you use the idea of your ideal self as motivation in a kind, self-compassionate way, but once we weaponize the ideal- trouble is coming. Here come the shame and shoulds and feelings of “not enough.” As I mentioned, during this challenging time in our world, any increased feelings of internal struggle or shame are just going to make this harder to get through in a healthy way.

Here are some strategies that I use to help myself through the “shoulds” when they come my way, either from myself or my well-meaning loved ones.

Find the narrative
When I find myself feeling either overwhelmed, irritated with obligations or people, sad, or in a state of shame, I have learned to try to pause and think things through before reacting too much. I try to check in with myself to see what the narrative or story is that I am telling myself about the situation.

Recognize when your expectations are unrealistic and based in ideals
When we have expectations of ourselves based on ideals, they are usually rooted more in fantasy rather than reality. For example, I bump up on the idea that as a mom who is also a therapist and parent consultant, I should always be able to set effective boundaries with my son. He’s a toddler by the way, so most of you reading this probably know that this is entirely unrealistic. Because in my head, effective boundaries equal him listening to me when I ask him to do things. And well, that apparently is not the way it goes on any day ending in y! So, this is one of those expectations that was unconscious and unknown until the quarantine as we are home so much more with him to feel tested and a lack of patience. And the moments when I am at my least patient and just want him to listen are the times that then I start having the “shoulds” come in. Thoughts like “If only I was parenting better, he would listen all the time” or “a better therapist would always be caring and patient with a toddler” and my favorite, “when I babysat and nannied, the kids listened to me and I didn’t take it all so personally.” This last one is my favorite, because I honestly know deep in my heart that kids generally listen better to everyone but their parents. But when it’s my kid not listening to me, it feels so much harder!

Figure out the language so you can pay attention and reframe it
This is the entire idea of this blog… We need to figure out what language is a good cue to pay attention to so that we can take a step back and work through our expectations a bit more. For me, “should” is a big one as well as anytime I bump up on ideal kinds of expectations which honestly almost always include the word “should” as well. However, others might have other words that come up while feeling this way or that trigger these feelings. It is up to all of us to try and figure out how we interact with language, expectations, and ideals so that we can better manage our responses.

Ask is there a deeper emotional need you would like to tend to?
Sometimes, actually probably often, I have found that if I am feeling frustrated about someone else’s “shoulds” for me or my own, it might indicate a lack of balance or unresolved feelings about a decision I have made. I think that it is crucial for parents to try to learn to check in with themselves about their own needs and if they are being met to help make sure we are reacting from a place of intention and more of our best selves. Even in our current “shelter in place” situations, we need to try to figure out what is missing and what on earth we can do about it.

I hope these ideas are helpful for you! Most of all, hang in there parents! At Thrive, we are happy to help support you and your family if you are struggling right now! We are accepting new referrals both for individual therapy and parent consultation but also group therapy! We have three groups currently – Teen Anxiety, Young Adult, and Parent Support. Check out this page for more information!

Help! My Kids Are Driving Me Insane in Quarantine!

5/1/2020

Have you been feeling like your house has turned into a zoo? If so, then you are not alone! When the shelter-in-place order started, these are some things that my younger clients have told me:

“I love coronavirus. I get to stay home. I don’t have school.”
“I’m good! I don’t have math.”
“I got to watch movies and play all day! It’s great!”
“It’s like vacation and I’m with my family.”

And as expected, these statements did not last that long. Children don’t process loss or tragedy and adapt as quickly as adults do. In about two weeks after my clients made these statements, I started to get phone calls and emails from parents about their children “acting out” and having behavioral issues. It has started to sink in that the changes might not be so fun after all, and they are grieving their old lifestyle more than they knew. And before you know it, the confusion, uncertainty, and frustration (combined with cabin fever) start to hit them all at once. Although I can’t guarantee when things will get better for your child, there are ways that you can help support them and make staying at home more tolerable for everyone.

The first and most important rule of thumb is to be patient and be an active listener. Chances are, your child is not “acting out” on purpose. I’m a firm believer that there is always an underlying cause for a behavior. Often times, my clients have shared that they felt unheard or are angry about something in their lives. Acting out is just a way to externalize those feelings. Imagine if I had taken out half of the words in your vocabulary and you weren’t able to convey your thoughts to me. Your child’s behaviors are their way of conveying what’s going on inside. It may not be easy but patience can help your children feel that everything will be okay.

Staying active. Children who don’t get enough physical exercise during the day can often become restless when it is time to settle down. Anxiety, fear, and sadness can also show up as irritability in younger children. Keeping their heart rate up, and spending the extra energy will help ease their anxiety and (hopefully) help them feel tired when it is time for bed. Children are used to using both mental and physical energy 8 hours a day when they were going to school. Because this component is missing, try filling it with other ways to keep them engaged. Notice I didn’t say keep them entertained. I know there is a lot of stress out there for parents trying to keep their children happy now that they are home all day, but that does not have to be the case. This is about helping them spend excess mental and physical energy. And for parents who work from home, some of these activities can be done independently after showing them. Below are some ideas you can try:

Mentally challenging activities

Starting a jigsaw puzzle
Learning to knit/sew
Learning an instrument (there are apps out there for this!)
Scavenger hunt (can be done on a walk or in the home)
Crafting (I’ve had clients stay engaged by making and donating masks to neighbors or hospitals)
Commit to learning a new language for the whole family (maybe even practice holding a conversation in that language during dinner)

Physical activities

Dancing (Just Dance 2020 on the Switch is super fun!)
Walking or grooming your pet
Jumping on the trampoline
Relay races or obstacle courses in the home
Twister
The floor is lava (remember this one?)
Musical chairs
Virtual fitness classes for kids

Limit their exposure. This may seem strange for an article about behavioral issues in children; however, the current news coverage about COVID-19 has triggered a lot of fear response in children. Children are always listening and observing even when you think they aren’t. I’ve had young clients expressing their fears about getting sick, when things will open, how many cases are in San Diego and so much information that even I have not yet seen. Children can easily misinterpret what they hear and become frustrated about something they can’t understand. In turn, this can bring about more confused feelings that may already exist.

Lastly, staying connected to family and friends can help bring about some normalcy in their lives. Has your child facetimed their grandparents, aunts, or uncles lately? It may be helpful to reach out to other parents and set up virtual play dates. They might just show each other their toys or their room, but it is good to help them feel connected especially if they miss their friends. I’ve recently helped a client set up a Netflix Party with their friends so they can have a virtual slumber party (it was a hit!). This can be a real mood booster for some kids!

Remember that you, as a parent, are grieving too. It’s okay that you may feel short lately and found that you can’t have as much patience as you would like. Your children learn by example, so as long as you are trying and showing them that it is okay to pick yourself back up… that is an important life lesson on its own!

How can we support young children during quarantine?

Can we "cancel" the word "should?"

"As it should be"
“You should”
“I should”

Help! My Kids Are Driving Me Insane in Quarantine!

Blogs from the Thrive Family!

Categories

Archives

Call Today! 858-342-1304

Contact Us

How can we support young children during quarantine?

Can we "cancel" the word "should?"

"As it should be"“You should”“I should”

Help! My Kids Are Driving Me Insane in Quarantine!

Blogs from the Thrive Family!

Categories

Archives

Call Today! 858-342-1304

Contact Us

"As it should be"
“You should”
“I should”