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 As a therapist, business owner, and mom myself, I have reflected often on the relentless nature of modern parenting. The standards and ideals many of us hold very dear and genuinely feel are important, if not vital, are challenging in our typical lives. Now we have the challenge of living during a global pandemic which is placing an unreasonable amount of pressure on parents, particularly parents of kids who are not entirely independent and working parents. We are also getting mixed signals in the world about how to handle this… do we relax our expectations? Do we just need to get even more efficient and sleep less to get everything we need to get done? Do we need more color-coded charts perhaps? I am of the belief that we likely will need to relax our expectations of ourselves in order to survive this situation as well as we can. We are just not going to be able to meet every deliverable at work, be our best parenting selves 24 hours a day, and have our lives look up to our ideal standards (whatever that might be for you). Without the government stepping in and providing more relief to parents, this is an unsustainable situation for most of us. While we might be able to do it for a short period of time, when we start talking about many many more months, parents deservedly start wondering what in the world are we going to do? The choices many parents are facing feel pretty grim as none of them feel like the “right” thing to do. Many of us have the privilege that we have not had to face a list of options that all feel terrible but are the only things we can do in a given situation. What a rude awakening we are having! Here are some of the questions parents are facing…
Additionally, parents are feeling so mixed about almost any choice we make. When all of the choices have very clear negatives but there is not one that is guaranteed to be better/easier/manageable, it puts us in an uncomfortable position. Often, I would say we are faced in the most direct way possible with the truth that we cannot do it all. Definitely not right now, and I would argue most likely not ever because the standards have always been unrealistic. However, in order to cope and survive, we as families are having to lower our bars even more, which is uncomfortable particularly for those of us who are perfectionistic and already felt that we were not entirely doing things “ideally.” I wanted to write about this as I feel that parents need to know they are not alone. So many of the parents I speak to feel alone in this and like they are the only ones struggling. I am here to tell you that you are not. This is really hard and most parents I know are really having a hard time. Our coping is going to need a dramatic overhaul in the coming weeks. It is likely not going to be good enough to just take 5 minutes for yourself a day or to throw yourself even more into color coded charts. We are going to need to take some deep looks at our lives, values, and priorities and make some really tough decisions. While there are certainly no quick fixes, and often there are going to be no “right” or “perfect” or even “good enough” answers, we need to work on how we relate to ourselves through this situation. The kinder, more compassionate, and gentle we can be with ourselves – the better. While I may not be able to solve the challenges your family is facing, I can offer some thoughts of ways to work in some self-compassion.
In times of transition and change, the most important thing for all of us is to try to be flexible and understanding with ourselves. We need to re-define our parenting ideals and make it okay for parents to be imperfect and to have that be okay. I always tell clients in my office that perfect parents are not welcome or even helpful for kids. Kids and teens need us to be imperfect and to show them how to relate to our challenges and mistakes with compassion so that they can do the same. If you are struggling in this situation to communicate the way you want with your child or maybe you are losing your patience, being inconsistent, or whatever other “parenting no-no” you are having – work on repairing with them and with yourself. Talk to them and let them know you love them and are trying your best. Most of all, hang in there parents. This is really hard and there is a crazy amount of pressure on us these days. Let’s not add to it ourselves with even more expectations! As always, we at Thrive are here for parents and teens, particularly during this unprecedented time in our world. We want to help you make the most of the pandemic but also help you cope with it if you are struggling. Please make sure to balance any advice you are taking with a healthy dose of self-care and realistic expectations! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. Dr. Erica Wollerman shares all about what people are truly looking for while in a place of struggle. I’ve been reflecting a lot about how things have been going for many of us, particularly those of us who have been struggling to manage our stress or feelings during the current pandemic and shelter in place orders. Which is possibly, all of us at one time or another. I think this situation is highlighting the challenges our society has had with many, many things and how we handle emotions is really just one of them. It is, however, a big one. Especially right now and especially for those of us who access our emotions more readily. I had some thoughts about what others could do to help and wanted to share them! The biggest suggestion I have is this… Be the person who cares to listen to the truth when you ask someone how they are. Be brave enough to just listen rather than trying to fix it. Especially now... our world feels lonely and even those who are surrounded by people might feel unseen and unheard. Let’s hold off on any problem solving for a while as it places pressure on us to have what just IS, not BE. I personally am well equipped to help people experience their emotions mostly because I am a therapist and it is literally what I do all day. While it can be a challenge, it is valuable beyond measure for people to feel connected, seen, head, and understood. I am personally of the belief that this is what most of us are truly craving while we are in a place of struggle. Unfortunately, when people offer suggestions too quickly, it takes us out of a place of connection of equals and puts us in a place of feeling that emotions are to be avoided and need to be fixed. It can create an expert-subordinate kind of dynamic that just does not feel like connection but like you are in trouble for your emotions or shouldn’t have them. For example, recently I was sharing about my grief related to changes in my life due to the coronavirus pandemic. I have been preparing to create and launch an online course (surprise!) for many months and have had this planned to roll out this year. Unfortunately, due to the current situation and our lack of child care it is just not realistic for me to continue working on this right now. I was sharing about how sad this is and have heard a lot of suggestions and comments that sound like this…
While these comments and suggestions were genuinely meant to be helpful and supportive - they were after all encouraging me towards my goals - they did not feel helpful or supportive but like more pressure that I don’t need. As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve struggled with managing expectations of myself during this time of change and transition. It has happened so quickly that I first resented the changes and held so tight to my previous goals. This just led me to feel so much anxiety and pressure. Why? Because my previous expectations and goals are no longer realistic. I’m able to work maybe 60% of the time I was before and comparably to other parents with young kids, that’s actually amazing. I’m lucky to do that. However, I still have a business to run and clients to see and a family to help support emotionally and financially and that means that some of my other goals are just going to have to be on the back burner for a bit. This doesn’t mean I am giving up, not managing my time well, or that there is some solution for this that I couldn’t find (and need someone else’s help to find for that matter) – it means I am accepting reality on its terms. If someone tells you something is just not realistic for them right now, believe them. Honor their pain and struggle that it took to tell you that and hold space for them to be sad about the conclusion they drew that is inevitable. I know this is uncomfortable because a lot of us like to believe nice ideas about life like, “you can do anything.” I’m here as a mama-business owner- and generally tired person saying, nope. I can’t do anything. It’s not worth the stress or burnout so I am just going to do what is possible and enjoy the process as much as I can. This has been a theme in my sessions with clients recently too. More of us, particularly those of us characterized as sensitive, need less problem solving and more genuine support. We just need someone to listen and hear our pain and struggle, not someone to help us take it away. There are two things people are looking for in emotional conversations…
Unfortunately, when you meet emotion and a search for connection with problem solving all you end up with is disconnection. Feeling less understood. And for me I also have to then renegotiate my new expectations with myself all over again because not only do I have perfectionistic tendencies that I work on daily, I also have people pleasing tendencies. This is a time of change for many, especially those of us who struggled already to have reasonable expectations of ourselves. For those of you who love a perfectionist, please be gentle in your support and suggestions. I know it does not feel like you are doing anything when you just listen and confirm that our lives are indeed challenging, but this is EVERYTHING when someone is emotional. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By Panicha McGuire, LMFT, RPTBy now you are probably running out of ideas of things to do with your child when you’ve been confined with each other for weeks. Or, you’ve probably seen Frozen II for the 100th time. Although we all hope to get back to normal soon, this may be a good opportunity for you to take a step back and practice becoming emotionally closer to one another. These are some activities that will help elicit open dialogue with your child, help you learn more about each other’s likes/dislikes, and some are just plain fun.
Fun Tip - These activities can be parent(s) vs children which will help siblings’ bond and learn to work together! As always, we at Thrive are here for parents and teens, particularly during this unprecedented time in our world. We want to help you make the most of the pandemic but also help you cope with it if you are struggling. Please make sure to balance any advice you are taking with a healthy dose of self-care and realistic expectations! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  There is no easy way to tell a teen that schools might not even go back to session this academic year as many of them are struggling with dealing with feelings of loneliness and frustration at having to stay home with their families right now. This is so understandable considering that teens are at an age where they are going to crave connection with their peers, not with their families. I think that there is no easy way to deal with the feelings of loneliness that are going to come up for teens as a result of social/physical distancing. What I mean is that I don’t think teens are magically going to feel better until this situation is over. However, I think there are some things parents can do to support them and help them get through this situation.
From there, your goal is to elicit ideas from your teen as to how they can get through this situation. You can offer ideas, but try not to make them one big to do list of things they need to accomplish. I think one byproduct of having a slower pace in our lives is that our teens can get some much needed down time right now. Let’s encourage that and allow them to figure out new things they might want to try or new ways to connect with friends. If you are struggling in parenting your teen or your teen is struggling, please reach out for help! We are offering video therapy sessions throughout CA and have openings for new clients today! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL. |
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