What a lot of people who are close to me know is that I am currently pregnant and excitedly, nervously expecting our first child. Since I became pregnant, I have been thinking so much about my transition to motherhood. Especially because I work with children, parents, and families so often, my work is so close to what is going on for me personally. And while writing this blog is somewhat uncomfortable because it is so close to my heart, I wanted to start sharing some of my reflections here in case they could be helpful to anyone else.
 
The first and most important thing to mention is that in no way do I feel that what I do professionally makes me any more ready to be a mom than anyone else. The reason why I believe I work so well with parents and families is that I have always known and been very open about the fact that since I am not a parent yet, I truly do not know what parenting is like. I work hard on considering situations without judgment and with the understanding that I might not understand some decisions, feelings, etc. until I am a mother myself. The one thing that I am absolutely sure of is that having a child (hopefully children one day) is going to truly rock my world and change everything.
 
Interestingly, I believe that as a result of being a neutral observer into families’ lives, I have some insights that I really want to hold onto when I am the parent and making decisions. So, I thought my blog would be a great place to share some of these thoughts. And I don’t plan on including nonsense about “my kid will never do X or Y” because that is just ridiculous. I don’t know what my kiddo is going to be like or what my parenting experience will be like. One of the moms that I work with told me some of the best advice which is, “Erica, never say never because once you say you will never do something, it turns out you probably will” (this was in reference to a discussion about leashes for kids in case you’re curious). These blogs will be more of reflections on general topics and parenting philosophy I hope to incorporate into who I become as a parent.
 
Anyways, the first thing that I hope to hold onto that has been coming up a lot lately for me in my work and personally is that… “It’s not about you.” Period. The end. When I become a parent, it is about my kiddo and what we believe is best for him. What I would like to remember about this is not that it needs to be all Disneyland and Chuckie Cheese and about what my kiddo wants, but, that their actions are not about me (most of the time). When I work with families, the toughest cases and situations are the ones where the parents are really struggling to separate their successes, failures, or experience from their child’s. As a non-parent, I can clearly see that much of what a child does has nothing to do with their parent. A toddler is not crying or throwing a tantrum to ruin your day. A teenager who is becoming rebellious or decides to experiment with certain things is not about hurting their parent (most of the time). I just hope to hold onto this knowledge so that I do not take their behavior, choices, and life path personally or as a reflection of me. I want to respect that my child is going to have a path, decisions, and choices that are totally their own and Not. About. Me.
 
Here are some phrases and reframes that I hope will be helpful in remembering this:

• Instead of “Why is he giving me such a hard time,” à “He is having a hard time, how can I support/help him right now?”
• Instead of “Why did he do that silly (aka dumb) thing,” à “He is learning things in his own time and I hope this lesson helps him in his life.”
• Instead of “these are my goals for my son,” à “I’m so excited to see what he does with his life.”

 
Thank you all for reading!  I have more ideas for future blogs on this topic that I will be sharing as things progress and would appreciate any feedback you would like to give me!
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

As always, thanks for reading  and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child, teen counseling and adult psychotherapy.  We are San Diego Therapists at Thrive Therapy Studio.  

As I contemplated what to blog about this week, I was thinking about how two years ago, I had also recently moved my office and was focusing on growing a very new private practice. I was reflecting on my blog post from that time frame, called, Top Quotes for Times of Transition, Change, and Struggle. Interestingly enough, much of what I talked about during that period also applies today! 
 
As many of you know, in the past two years what was originally just “my” practice has grown to now have three employees with the soon to be addition of two to three more!  We relocated at the beginning of this year to a new, much more spacious and professional building, re-branded as Thrive Therapy Studio, and have been focused on expanding our services. It has certainly been an amazing, inspiring whirlwind. With any new beginning, even ones that we recognize as necessary and positive in our lives, all kinds of emotions are stirred up. For me, taking the leap of faith to grow and expand the business has been a challenge and stirs up a lot of my fears and vulnerabilities. Personally, I am also taking a big leap forward in that we are expecting a new addition (our first child!) to our family in August. So, it seemed like just the right time to revisit the top quotes for times of transition, change, and struggle!

The below list does not include the quotes that I listed two years ago. If you would like to see those as well, please go ahead and click here for the original blog post!

Here are my latest Top Quotes for Times of Transition, Change, and Struggle:

• “Don’t confuse your path with your destination. Just because it’s stormy now, doesn’t mean you are not headed to sunshine.” - Unknown
• On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that’s pretty good.” - Unknown
• Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us more effectively. Look for the learning.” - Louisa May Alcott
• “ As I look back on my life every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” - Steve Maraboli
• “On of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss, or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.” - Unknown
• “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.” - J.K. Rowling
• “The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness – even our wholeheartedness – actually depends on the integration of all our experiences, including the falls.” - Brene Brown
• “I know this transformation is painful, but you’re not falling apart; you’re just falling into something different, with a new capacity to be beautiful.” – William C. Hannan
• “It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.” – Leonardo Da Vinci
• “Courage is not being “fearless.” Courage is shaking at the knees, choking on your words, heart gripped by uncertainty, but stepping forward on your journey anyway.” – Rebecca Ray
• “Fear can be a sign that we’re exiting our comfort zone, leaping into something beautiful.” – Keri Nola
• “We are all broken. That’s how the light gets in.” – Ernest Hemingway
• “Something very beautiful happens to people when their world has fallen apart: a humility, a nobility, a higher intelligence emerges at just the point when our knees hit the floor.” – Marianne Williamson
• “If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try.” – Seth Godin
• “Sometimes our lies have to be completely shaken up, changed, and rearranged to relocate us to the place we’re meant to be.” – Unknown
• “Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” – Chadyhmas.com
• “If you aren’t in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” – Brene Brown

 
Thanks for reading as always!  If you want to add to my list of quotes, please feel free to share in the comments! 
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.

As always, thanks for reading  and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child, teen therapy and adult psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  

Thank you so much for continuing to read our blog series on Teens and Motivation!  This is the final segment to our series and if you missed Part 1 and Part 2, check them out here and here! 
 
We can’t discuss how to motivate teens without looking a bit more at what motivation actually is. In our culture, we often think of motivation as something that is a static, ongoing state. People are often described as being motivated, or not. Motivation is often thought of as something quick and easy that you can just become all of a sudden. Unfortunately, motivation is much more complex than all of this would suggest and despite what Oprah and her “aha” moments might tell you, it can be a long process in getting someone ready for change. Additionally, motivation is variable and changes over time.
 
When anyone presents for therapy, particularly parents on behalf of their children or teens, they are wanting changes and they usually want them quickly. A big part of my job is to understand the client and evaluate their readiness for change. A key component of how I do this is through utilizing a psychological theory called The Transtheoretical Model of Change by Prochaska and DiClemente which is often just referred to as Stages of Change for simplicity. This is a model of change that was initially used to understand addiction but is a helpful framework when considering any person who is contemplating a change in their lives.
 
Here is a brief overview of the stages:

1. Pre-contemplation: This can be summed up as the time before a person realizes that they either need or want to make a change. “I don’t need to change.” Sometimes referred to as “denial.”
2. Contemplation: When a person is considering change. The hallmark of this stage is ambivalence, which means that the person is on the fence about change. Perhaps part of them feels change is needed and possible but another part argues against it. “Hmmm… Should I change?”
3. Preparation: Getting ready to change
4. Action: Actually making the changes
5. Maintenance: Living the changes

 
Parents need to know the following about stages of change:

• Stages of Change and motivation are directly connected
• A person has motivation even when they are in the contemplation stage and not making changes
• Motivation essentially means: our desire to change + confidence in doing so > fears, challenges of change, etc. This is usually a product of leaving the contemplation stage and entering preparation.
• They are not linear – people go back and forth between these stages all the time
• Example: Think of times you have tried to go on a diet or implement an exercise routine

 
At Thrive, we specifically focus on stages of change and helping our clients build motivation through a specific way of talking about change called “Motivational Interviewing.” This style of communication is collaborative and goal oriented and elicits and explores a person’s own reasons to change. We create a feeling of acceptance and compassion for our clients, rather than judgment or criticism. Our goal is to elicit “change talk” from our clients, which is when the teen talks about changes they want to make, rather than when I “tell” them what they should change.
 
This style of communication is what my ingredients for motivation try to mimic for parents. In review, we want to connect with our teens, have faith in their ability to problem solve, allow them to make mistakes, give consequences where appropriate, and let them lead!  These are the ingredients that produce a collaborative environment and discussion similar to what we create in our office that can help you support your teen towards making changes and feeling motivated!
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304.
 
For more information about the upcoming Parenting with Intention Workshop at Thrive, please contact Angela Bianco, ASW directly at 858-952-8835 or by email at angelabianco.asw@gmail.com. Angela is supervised by Erica Wollerman, PsyD (PSY25614) and questions regarding teen therapy can also be directed to Erica and the general Thrive team at 858-342-1304!
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 
As always, thanks for reading  and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child, teen counseling and adult psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  

Hopefully many of you were able to check out last weeks’ post, which is the Part 1 of this series on Teens and Motivation. If not, click here to read it! 
 
Today, I am going to focus on the building blocks of motivation that I briefly mentioned last week and that were discussed at length in my talk at Halstrom last Thursday! 
 
Connection: 
Often, when I talk about pulling back as parents, this can be confused with just not being as involved. I would actually encourage parents to be super connected with their teens. Ask them how things are going, make a special weekly date with them (it might need to involve some sort of treat for them to really want to do it at this point), plan separate vacations, but find ways to connect. Whatever they are “into,” try to find some common ground there and spend time talking about it.

The really cool part about the teen years is that parents can stop being so parent-like, most of the time. Chat with your teens, share more with them about your life and who you are, and above all, try not to lecture. At least not on a daily basis J Teens want to be heard and seen by the people who care about them, including you.
 
Have a little faith:
So first we connect and now we try to have faith. Faith that your teen can problem solve, can recover from mistakes, and can ultimately be successful. As parents, we need to project confidence in our teens and let them know we believe in them. Even when you are worried and feel like they are totally screwing up… find ways to let them know that they have it in them to succeed and figure it out. Be supportive but not overbearing when they make a mistake. Try not to jump in and fix it for them but offer help if they would like it. And if they don’t take your offer, let them know that you have full confidence they will figure out a good solution by saying things like, “I know you can do it,” “I know you will be able to figure this out.”
 
Let them make mistakes!
This is a tough one… especially with all of the pressure that parents and teens are feeling these days. Teens talk to me all the time about the pressures of school and of the future. They are feeling as though every single decision they make now will adversely impact them in the future. Unfortunately, parents are often feeling that way too. When parents and I talk about ways they can pull back, save their kids less, and let them make mistakes SO many issues come up for them. But, it’s their junior year and if they get a bad grade, they won’t get into college. But, if they fail now, they will feel bad, like a failure, try less hard later in life. But, I just can’t bear to see them hurting. The list goes on and on.
 
These are serious concerns by very loving, involved parents and while I hear them and understand them, these concerns let me know that parents are approaching their teen differently than I would recommend. These parents are approaching their teens as fragile, as people one step away from something amazing or terrible, and as images of their own success as parents. It is so hard for parents to separate their identity sometimes from their kids or teens successes and failures and often it is their own fear of failure or need to protect their teen from every possible negative outcome that drives this way of thinking. And while that is understandable, it is not helpful. If parents care more about the outcomes than their teens, the teen will not learn the needed lesson of a mistake.
 
For most parents to be okay letting their teen make a mistake, we have to really look at what mistakes or failures are. They are an opportunity to learn and to grow. They are an opportunity to be disappointed in your choices and to choose to make better ones. Not only is it impossible for a person to avoid mistakes or for a parent to protect their child/teen from pain or failure, it is not helpful. I would like to repeat that, it is impossible to avoid mistakes or to protect your child/teen from pain or failure. And, if you try to do so, you prevent your teen from learning valuable lessons. Unfortunately, they need to screw up so that they can learn and grow into responsible adults. We can help them through this by connecting, believing in them, and not making it about us.
 
Consequences are still important:
Even though we are focused on connection and believing in your teen, consequences still need to be given and followed through on by parents when the teen does make mistakes. As we all know, there are no free passes in our world. If you show up late to work too many times, you are most likely going to be fired. So, we need to avoid giving our teens free passes too. If they screw up and break the rules, a consequences needs to be given.
 
The best way to approach consequences is as follows: First, make sure you and your teen are on the same page about expectations. Often this will involve a written list or agreement as this helps prevent “teenage amnesia.” Second, make sure your teen knows the consequences for their actions – it’s a great practice to include it on the list. Third, when they mess up, discuss it gently with them. If you are instantly angry about it, try to take some time to calm down so that you can approach them from a more neutral place. This way, you can try to get more information about what happened. When parents yell, kids and teens all shut down and stop talking because they think it is the best way to avoid getting in more trouble. So, being calm and talking with them about it will get you much more information. Fourth, while talking with them about the situation, whatever the mistake is, try to brainstorm ways to avoid such a problem in the future. If it is a low grade, perhaps you can offer support in terms of tutoring or going over homework or test information together. Fifth, discuss the consequence and you can even see what your teen would think is an appropriate consequence. Often, when teens feel that they are in control, understand the situation, and do not feel shamed or blamed, they can be really reasonable and understand that consequences are needed.
 
Quick Tip: Try not to lecture too much at this point. Teens learn best through actions, not long parent led lectures. This is hard, because so often you are likely to be trying to give them wisdom, support, and advice but if it comes off as a lecture, they will stop listening.
 
Listen and let them lead: 
This is the last ingredient but one of the most important. Please listen to your teen. That’s it… just try to hear what they are saying. Try to see the people they really are, not the people you had hoped or wished they would be. All of the teens I work with are amazing in their own ways and universally, they just want to be heard and appreciated.
 
They also want autonomy over their choices. They want to choose the schools they apply to and decide who they are going to date and hang out with. It is so important that they have this autonomy as this is a building block of what will help in their motivation. If they make choices that do not work out, they then are more likely to own that choice rather than blame it on their parents. If you are trying to force a teen to do something, they will not own that choice or outcome. 
 
That’s it for now!  Thank you so much for reading and please stay tuned for our blog next week where we talk more specifically about how these parenting strategies support and tie into building Teen Motivation!
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child or teen attending teen psychotherapy services with one of us, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 
As always, thanks for reading  and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.