Child, Teen and Adult Psychotherapy Services in San Diego
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Parenting Teens Blog Series: Being Easily Frustrated

1/20/2020

 
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One of the most interesting observations that I have about our current generation of teens, is that they seem to be easily frustrated and upset when things do not go the way they would like. While some of this is definitely a part of being a teen, it definitely seems to also be a challenge rooted in growing up in our current culture. While it is ultimately up to the teen to learn how to cope with disappointment more effectively, it is helpful to look at some of the broader reasons why they may experience the world in this way. 
 
One big factor I see impacting frustration tolerance development in our teens is that there are less opportunities for developing those skills in our “instant gratification” and overly tech focused world. When this topic comes up with parents of the teens that I work with, I often talk with parents about all the opportunities that they had to develop their emotional regulation skills to help them cope with disappointment and frustration. Remember when we didn’t have instant access to shows, movies, music, friends, etc. by using smart phones?  While technology is definitely helping our world in many ways, a big impact of having so many things easily accessible at our fingertips as children whose brains are still developing, is that we have less opportunity for natural ways to develop frustration tolerance. 
 
Imagine this scenario – your toddler is crying because they want to watch something (Daniel Tiger anyone?). In the dark ages when I was a kid, we had to wait until that show came on, time watching TV at the time of the show, sit through commercials, and tolerate the frustration of not having the ability to have what we want right when we want it. Now, it is so easy to just play the show for them and it feels uncomfortable as a parent to choose not to give your child something without a reason. Additionally, there are usually minimal interruptions, commercials, and even waiting time for your child to get what they are asking for. And as the parent of a toddler myself, it is so tempting to just give them the things they want to avoid a horrible meltdown!  While this is just one example, I think it is an important one because it is so common for all of us to use quick fixes to solve our kids’ problems. 
 
Consider the following: 
  • You forgot your lunch, I’ll “postmates” you some food. (Speaking of Postmates, click here for a link to their San Diego delivery page if you are interested!)
  • You forgot to order a gift for someone, I’ll have it to you within the day using amazon 
  • You want to hear that song, let me buy it on iTunes now
 
It is just SO easy to access so much at our fingertips now. And as a parent it is easy to look at these examples as small examples but they all add up. Every quick fix for a kids’ upset feelings, disappointment, forgetfulness, adds up to a kid who is going to struggle more with managing those feelings and tasks in the future. As a parent, it is important to look at every mistake, challenge, emotion as an opportunity for our kid/teen to learn a valuable life lesson. Since problems are generally easier to solve in our world, we have to most likely create situations where we may even choose NOT to solve a problem, just so that our child can learn to tolerate the frustration of not getting something instantly. 
 
Another element to consider in this discussion is that parents are very focused on their children. While this is a great thing in terms of parent-child relationships and development, it can at times lead parents to “over solve” problems rather than to scaffold their child’s ability to solve the problem themselves. Scaffolding is a crucial part of teaching that applies to parenting and just means that when our child is not able to do something yet, we don’t dive in and just take over the task, we let them struggle with it first and then intervene just enough so that they can figure it out on their own. Pretty much, you want to help the least amount possible, rather than take over and accidentally do it for them. This allows children to understand the feeling of productive struggle that leads to solutions and progress. If we as parents are uncomfortable with struggle, we are likely to dive in too early and rescue them which avoids a child’s distress but also their learning about how to manage distress, frustration, and how to persevere when challenged. 
 
If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today! We love talking about how to support teens and families develop more frustration tolerance and grit! 


"As a parent, it is important to look at every mistake, challenge, emotion as an opportunity for our kid/teen to learn a valuable life lesson." by ewollerman.psyd
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

Parenting Teens Blog Series: Less Down Time

1/8/2020

 
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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman 

Welcome to 2020!  I know this year has started off busily for many families. I thought it would be a great idea to restart our Parenting Teens Blog Series!  As you may remember, we have talked about a lot of reasons why it is hard to not only BE a teen these days, but to PARENT a teen as well. 

Here are some highlights from past blogs in this series before you check out the post about how teens are so over scheduled these days below! 
​
  • Focus on Happiness and Achievement

  • Pressure of College Admissions
​
  • Social Media 

Check out this post about lacking down time below as well! We hope you are enjoying this series! 

Unfortunately, our whole world seems to be impacted by a sense of overwhelm and feeling overscheduled. At Thrive, we see this all the time with our teen clients in particular. We often work with teens who are highly motivated and pursuing so much in their lives, which is incredible to see but also at times worrisome. I only use that word because I am concerned about the pace that life seems to go at for our teens. We have teens using their free periods at school to come and fit in therapy because otherwise they can’t even make it tto our office (where we have evening and weekend sessions available) due to their demanding schedules. 
 
I am concerned about the lack of downtime for many reasons but here are the highlights: 
  • Stress – Teens today are much more stressed than they have been in past generations. They are trying to do much more with their time, particularly to help them secure admissions into a great college. Often, teens do not even have time to have a part-time job because they are balancing so many other activities just to get into college. This is definitely impacting their stress levels which impacts everything from memory to mood to physical health. 
  • Burnout – As described above, teens are super stressed currently and a big concern for me is that they are going to start experiencing burnout before they even make it to the college they have tried so hard to get into. When I talk to my colelauges in coleluge counseling centers, they share that very often this is a challenge on campus as well. Teens graduate feeling overwhelmed and then start college feeling overwhelmed, leading to struggles with grades, adjustment to college in general, mental health issues (depression, anxiety, suicidality, etc.), and some may then return home feeling unsuccessful or like a failure. 
  • Less creativity – Unfortunately, another side effect of our overscheduled lives is a huge lack of creativity. Consider this, in order to be creative we need to have periods of time to rest, recover, and relax enough for our brains to shift out of “productive” mode and into a more “creative” mode. 
  • Anxiety, mood, and sleep issues – As mentioned above, the stress and pressure that teens feel to do “all the things” possible to get into college, often leads them to be overscheduled, stressed, and places them at risk for burnout. It also places them at risk for anxiety, depression, and sleep challenges. This is extremely concerning during the teen years when impulsivity is high as well because not managing mental health challenges leads to learning to cope in often unhealthy ways like self-injury, substance use, or numbing out using electronics. 
 
As you can see, there are many reasons to be worried about the pace of life for teens in America. A topic I often talk about with the teens I work with is the concept of cause and effect. It is just not possible to spend week after week, let alone year after year, with little down time and far too little sleep (some of the teens I work with sleep around 4 hours a night!) and not have some negative consequences. For every action, there is a reaction even if it is not immediate and it is important for parents to know this so that they can help their teens manage their schedules, responsibilities, or goals more effectively. 

If you would like to talk more about parenting your teen with a Thrive therapist, contact us today!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: 
http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.

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5230 Carroll Canyon Rd. Ste 110
​San Diego, CA 92121
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Thrive Therapy Studio Therapists Offer Child, Teen, Adult, Marriage and Family Psychotherapy Counseling Services in San Diego, California.
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  • Welcome
  • About Thrive
    • Meet the Thrive Team >
      • Dr. Erica Wollerman
      • Dr. Maria Fowlks
      • Jennifer Gonzalez, LMFT
      • Ying-Ying Shiue, LPCC
      • Kim Macias, APCC
      • Dr. Andrea Seldomridge
      • Molly Llamas, AMFT
      • Abbey Stewart, AMFT
    • Appointment Information
  • Contact
  • Services
    • Group Therapy at Thrive >
      • Anxiety Group For Teens
      • Parent Support Group
      • Middle School Social-Emotional Processing Group
      • Young Adults Group (18-24)
    • Therapy for Children
    • Therapy for Teens and Young Adults
    • Therapy for Adults
    • Family Therapy
    • Parent Consultation
  • Resources
    • Information About Therapy
    • Academic Resources
    • San Diego Resources
    • Covid-19 Resources
    • Anti-Racism Resources
    • Recommended Reading
    • Resources for Specific Challenges >
      • Addiction and Recovery Information
      • ADHD
      • Anger Management
      • Anxiety
      • Autism/Developmental Disorders
      • Child Abuse and Domestic Violence
      • Depression
      • Eating Disorders/Body Image Issues
      • Personal Growth/Managing Perfectionism
      • LGBTQIA
      • Parenting
      • Relationships
      • Stress Management/Mindfulness
      • Teen Issues
  • Blog