#6: Develop Resilience

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

In our world of quick problem-solving (thanks Google), it can be easy for parents to forget that the main goal of parenting is to raise their children to be independent. Particularly with the rise of attachment parenting and gentle parenting ideas and their focus on being child-led, it can sometimes be difficult for parents to place their own agenda on their child. 

As a child therapist at heart, I can’t tell you how important it is to have some goals in mind as parents. Not necessarily goals such as “My kid will go to x elite school,” or “My child will get a scholarship for x sport,” but something like, “Our family values kindness and working hard to solve problems.” Goals, or family values, are important to me because they can help us focus our energy and decision-making as parents when more difficult situations arise in our families. 

When I meet with parents, we often discuss the values they are trying to instill into their child’s lives and use these values to help guide parenting choices. These conversations are usually about prioritizing something that is more long-term in development over short-term parenting solutions. A prime example is facilitating your child to solve their problems. 

As a parent, it can be very tempting to dive in and support or even solve your kid’s problems, particularly if your child experiences problems as very frustrating and meltdown worthy, as many of them do, especially while they are young. It is very understandable for parents to get in the habit of doing too much for their kids and to keep doing it out of habit until they are far past the age of needing parents to reduce their involvement. 

From a young age, I think it is important to work on scaffolding our child. Scaffolding means giving them just enough support to make problems solvable rather than making them easy to solve. I believe that most kids need to experience the struggle of working hard at something (math, legos, friendship challenges, sports, etc.) before accomplishing it so that they gain confidence, frustration tolerance, and feelings of competence from experience. If parents solve the problem or support them too much, kids never feel capable and develop less emotional resilience. In fact, they often, unfortunately, feel that their parents are helping as they couldn't have done it on their own and can’t tolerate feeling frustrated or challenged. 

Kids who do not feel competent often become young adults who struggle to engage in “adulting” and other independent tasks that are part of growing up. They can even become adults who struggle to live independently or push themselves to take risks and move forward in life. Emotionally, they can become anxious or avoidant of any unpleasant emotion, leading them to choose less healthy coping skills. 

Here are some guidelines that could help you find a path to giving your child more independence at any age. Keep in mind that these are just ideas. Feel free to come up with your own as long as they are age-appropriate expectations! Additionally, when you are delegating or showing them how to do these tasks, be sure to communicate that you have faith in their ability to do what you are asking. If they protest doing it themselves, try not to get too flustered and calmly let them know they can do it. 

Preschool: 

• Give your child responsibilities at home, such as putting toys away.
• Try not to jump in when they are figuring out a new toy or skill. Watching and intervening if things are dangerous work better at this age. For example, on the playground, only give enough support so they are comfortable and hopefully not injured but try not to hover. 
• Allow them to make independent choices about food (ex., Which vegetable would you like?) and dressing themselves. Things that they can do alone, let them do alone. 
• Begin introducing financial concepts around counting, showing how physical money works.

Elementary: 

• Continue adding to their responsibilities so that they take on more chores each year. Have them clear their plates, put laundry away, clean their rooms, take care of lunchboxes and backpacks, etc. 
• Work to have them be responsible for homework completion and turning it in. Have them remember things for school like their backpacks and library books too. 
• Avoid getting too involved in social issues other than planning play dates. Seven to ten years old is a great age to learn how to navigate their relationships. 
• Have them wake up and get ready for school independently, using an alarm and checklist if needed. 
• Consider an allowance so that they start learning money management skills. Allow kids to handle and purchase items with physical money and work through shopping with a budget or amount they can spend. 

Middle School: 

• Keep adding more chores such as doing their own laundry, helping to prepare food and their lunch, and delegate pretty much all cleaning tasks to them. Not that they should do them all, but they are capable of most cleaning tasks.
• Connect chores to an allowance and allow them to manage it independently of you - while saving a preset amount of money that you have decided. 
• When discussing school or social challenges, try to use your curious listening skills and help them develop and follow through on their own plan to solve problems. Try to avoid lecturing or telling them what to do!
• They should be getting ready, doing homework, and managing chores independently. Try only to prompt them as much as is necessary. 

High School: 

• Similar to before, keep adding more chores and other independent activities and tasks as you see fit. Some good ideas are for them to start managing their schedules, making appointments such as therapy appointments, and communicating with coaches and other adults without as much parental support and intervention. 
• Toward the end of high school, the goal is that they manage most areas of their lives independently and feel prepared for living on their own. 
• They should be able to go to the grocery store, get gas, order food, etc. 
• A great time to teach your child solid financial decision-making skills. (This is a large topic! It is also in the plans for a course I will offer soon. Be sure to join our newsletter to be the first to know about it.)

This list of goals is certainly not an exhaustive list; just a few ideas to help get you started!  If your child is older, simply review the list and gradually add tasks. Often, kids whose parents have been more involved will resist doing things on their own either because they are unsure if they can do it or because they enjoy having someone do things for them. While this is understandable, it is really important to let them know you realize that they are more capable than you were giving them credit for and that you believe they can do everything you ask of them. You can validate their frustration or fear and express that you have faith in them. You can coach them through tasks initially but do your best to avoid taking anything back on after you have handed it off to them. Remember, our goal is to build their feelings of competence and capability! 

Check out our last blog in this parenting series: Parenting Tip #7: There is not one right way to parent. Also, join our newsletter today for more information about future parenting courses that Erica is developing!  You don’t want to miss this!
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At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
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