#2: Spending Quality Time Daily

By: Dr. Erica Wollerman

Parenting Tip #2: Spend quality time with them daily (no phones or devices allowed) 

In our fast-paced world and parenting culture, cultivating quality time in our families and with our children is more important than ever. While this is the most common parenting recommendation we give parents, often referred to as Special Time, it is worth sharing again because I believe it might also be the least implemented in families. No judgment here at all. The reason for this is very simple, we are incredibly busy, and it is very hard for adults to “play” or join their kids in play when their minds are racing with the to-do lists from all the things. You know, the summer camp sign-ups, the birthday parties, the lessons, sports, classes, the developmental stages, the homework. ALL. THE. THINGS. 

It is enough to make our heads spin and surprise, when our heads are spinning, it is hard to sit in one place and play! As a child therapist, this is actually one of the reasons why I stopped taking on new children clients and prefer to work with adults. You see, I have a 5-year-old at home, plus I run a business and see my own clients. And yes, I do also have a household to manage and am responsible for a lot. In the interest of taking my own advice and spending quality time with my son, I just can’t spend that energy and focus at work. 

While it might sound silly, playing with kids in a focused way does take a lot of focus and energy at first. Anyone who loves working with children can tell you that while it is one of the most amazing ways to spend your professional life, it can also be tiring and challenging to get used to. You see, you have to put aside the bills, the to-do lists, and all the ADULT things in your head and immerse yourself fully in your child’s world.  

While this is tough for many adults, the secret is that it is a gift that keeps giving. Spending quality time playing with your kids, one on one, with no phones or devices invited to the party, will not only benefit your relationship with your child, their self-esteem and sense of self, but also will benefit you as the parent. You see, play can be another form of mindfulness if you are able to truly put aside all the aforementioned things. Just as you can take mindful walks and eat mindfully, you can play mindfully. While I’m not going to go into the details of all the reasons why mindfulness is important, a good comparison would be that mindfulness is to adult therapy clients as the quality time recommendation is to child therapy clients. They both have benefits that are immeasurable and important. And good news, with practice, you can do both at the same time! Pretty cool, huh?  

Even cooler is the fact that while it can be hard to lean into quality time and embrace it as an adult, it is a pretty easy intervention otherwise, as your children will be more than happy to have you join their play. Finally, parenting recommendations that your child actually will enjoy ;) 

Here are the basics of implementing Mindful Play/Special Time/Quality Time (whatever you want to call it!):

• Tell your child about your special time to play with them, give it a name, and make a plan as to when you can do it together 
• Give it a time frame (15-20 minutes is a good place to start)
• Tell them you will be playing with them without interruptions and set a timer
• Let them know that while playing with them in this way, they are the boss and make the rules about play. Set boundaries around safety and harm, but otherwise, the goal is to join their play and have them lead it. 

And that’s it!  I know it seems surprising to have so many benefits and positive results from a relatively simple intervention. Perhaps it helps to consider how it feels when you have a close friend, loved one, partner, or therapist truly listen to your story about your day or a challenge you are having. Perhaps it is about child care, work challenges, parenting, friends, or family challenges. Just remember how nice it can feel to be truly seen and heard when someone listens and focuses on you without judgment or advice. This feeling is what you give to your children when you join their play and give them your full attention. And that feeling is why it helps so much more than just during those 15-20 minutes a day. I hope you try this out!  

Read on next week for Parenting Tip #3: Everything is Temporary.

​At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
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