Reflections on the HUSTLE of Working Motherhood

Dr. Erica Wollerman

It’s the start of my third year of working motherhood… and well, where did the time go?  No, seriously, time just flies these days as I’m sure many of you can understand also. The truth is, while I feel mostly adjusted to my new life of being a mom and a business owner, it is still such a careful balancing act of roles and resources. In talking with other parents, I know that I am not alone in feeling this way but it can still feel awfully lonely on the more overwhelming days of feeling like you are balancing everything but not doing it very well. I get a mental picture of myself in my waitressing days when I would balance way too many glasses or plates and eventually drop them. Some days I feel a sense of calm, cool control and others it just seems like things are going to drop at any minute. While I really appreciate all of the advice out there about self-care and certainly do add to it at times myself, I think it’s been helpful for me to also recognize that this time in my life is just a hustle. Luckily, for me it is a hustle of things I genuinely enjoy between my work, running a business, having my son and husband. But it is still a hustle. 
 
There was a really great post I saw on a working mother facebook group I am a part of where everyone shared the things they let go of in balancing all the things they do. I thought it might be helpful to share a little about what I try to let go of to make my hustle a little more enjoyable!
 

• Unrealistic expectations -  I usually refer to myself as a “recovering perfectionist” at this point in my life and work, but I definitely felt a flare of perfectionism and unrealistic expectations as a mother. These days, I try really hard to focus on what is truly possible and not plan more in my days or on my lists. I would love to be able to do all the things but realize that my life is much more enjoyable when I show more self-control in what I take on. 

 

• What others may think - Interestingly, when I became a mom, I began feeling heightened concern about what others thought of me as a mother. It was interesting for me to notice this because I have prided myself on not giving as many “f’s” in my most recent adult years and then had a complete regression back to more of my teen years with worried thoughts about what others would think about me doing x, y, or z. For example, I wear work out clothes every day to drop my son off at daycare because I go for a walk right after and then change for work. I found myself wondering what the other parents would think about me and had to really actively choose not to care. Because the truth is, for me, that does not matter but it is easy to fall into old patterns as a new mother. 

 

• The "checklisted" childhood - I first heard the concept of the “checklisted” childhood from the book, “How to Raise an Adult” (which I highly recommend btw). It’s a concept that references our tendency to raise our kids with a checklist that we believe will get them to a successful place in life. They are all different but include things like doing a sport, playing an instrument, getting good grades, volunteer activities, etc. On my list was having baby swim lessons but for me as a full-time working mama, this was just not possible for me to do until (fingers crossed) this year. I have accepted that I will not always do all the things I think I “should” do or society thinks I “should do,” and that this is okay and that my son will be just fine. We can’t do everything in this world so I think it is good to let go of the things that just don’t fit into your world or your family. 

 

• Things I can’t control - This might be the most important thing to release and let go of as a parent. By working with my child, teen, adult, and parent clients, I have learned that there is going to be so much in my son’s life that is completely out of my control and up to him. So often, my advice to parents is to let go of the things they can’t control like college admissions, their child’s grades at a certain age, what activities their child wants to do or doesn’t want to do. I am so incredibly grateful that I have worked with so many parents and families around these issues that I am coming into parenting with a deep understanding that my son’s life is his, not mine. He will make choices that I will not understand or support and that’s okay because I am not going to try to control that which I can’t. ​​​This also applies to the world around him. I do believe that our world can be a cruel and difficult place at times and while I would never want something negative to happen to my child, I am not going to spend my time worrying about things that I can’t control. I’m going to spend my time trying to help provide him with opportunities to develop problem solving, resilience, and grit so that when things happen for him that are difficult, he will be able to hopefully cope as well as possible. This is a tough one but crucial in my eyes. 

If you are interested in reading more about my parenting journey – feel free to check out my blogs before having my son and after! I have put the titles for you to easily reference below. 

At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients.  If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. 
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
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