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By: Dr. Erica Wollerman
In our world of quick problem-solving (thanks Google), it can be easy for parents to forget that the main goal of parenting is to raise their children to be independent. Particularly with the rise of attachment parenting and gentle parenting ideas and their focus on being child-led, it can sometimes be difficult for parents to place their own agenda on their child.
As a child therapist at heart, I can’t tell you how important it is to have some goals in mind as parents. Not necessarily goals such as “My kid will go to x elite school,” or “My child will get a scholarship for x sport,” but something like, “Our family values kindness and working hard to solve problems.” Goals, or family values, are important to me because they can help us focus our energy and decision-making as parents when more difficult situations arise in our families. When I meet with parents, we often discuss the values they are trying to instill into their child’s lives and use these values to help guide parenting choices. These conversations are usually about prioritizing something that is more long-term in development over short-term parenting solutions. A prime example is facilitating your child to solve their problems. As a parent, it can be very tempting to dive in and support or even solve your kid’s problems, particularly if your child experiences problems as very frustrating and meltdown worthy, as many of them do, especially while they are young. It is very understandable for parents to get in the habit of doing too much for their kids and to keep doing it out of habit until they are far past the age of needing parents to reduce their involvement. From a young age, I think it is important to work on scaffolding our child. Scaffolding means giving them just enough support to make problems solvable rather than making them easy to solve. I believe that most kids need to experience the struggle of working hard at something (math, legos, friendship challenges, sports, etc.) before accomplishing it so that they gain confidence, frustration tolerance, and feelings of competence from experience. If parents solve the problem or support them too much, kids never feel capable and develop less emotional resilience. In fact, they often, unfortunately, feel that their parents are helping as they couldn't have done it on their own and can’t tolerate feeling frustrated or challenged. Kids who do not feel competent often become young adults who struggle to engage in “adulting” and other independent tasks that are part of growing up. They can even become adults who struggle to live independently or push themselves to take risks and move forward in life. Emotionally, they can become anxious or avoidant of any unpleasant emotion, leading them to choose less healthy coping skills. Here are some guidelines that could help you find a path to giving your child more independence at any age. Keep in mind that these are just ideas. Feel free to come up with your own as long as they are age-appropriate expectations! Additionally, when you are delegating or showing them how to do these tasks, be sure to communicate that you have faith in their ability to do what you are asking. If they protest doing it themselves, try not to get too flustered and calmly let them know they can do it. Preschool:
Elementary:
Middle School:
High School:
This list of goals is certainly not an exhaustive list; just a few ideas to help get you started! If your child is older, simply review the list and gradually add tasks. Often, kids whose parents have been more involved will resist doing things on their own either because they are unsure if they can do it or because they enjoy having someone do things for them. While this is understandable, it is really important to let them know you realize that they are more capable than you were giving them credit for and that you believe they can do everything you ask of them. You can validate their frustration or fear and express that you have faith in them. You can coach them through tasks initially but do your best to avoid taking anything back on after you have handed it off to them. Remember, our goal is to build their feelings of competence and capability! Check out our last blog in this parenting series: Parenting Tip #7: There is not one right way to parent. Also, join our newsletter today for more information about future parenting courses that Erica is developing! You don’t want to miss this!
At Thrive, we take a positive, client-centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy we offer in person and telehealth via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanSo often, as a parent, I will notice myself making assumptions about my son's behavior. For example, he likes to sneak little toys or Pokemon cards to school, which his kindergarten teacher is not a big fan of (big surprise!). At times, it is easy to slip into a relatively negative and presumptuous thinking pattern like, “He just doesn’t care if he gets into trouble.” Or “He is never going to follow the rules.” And even further like, “What will happen to him if he can’t respect authority!” While this thought process is perfectly understandable, it is pretty unfair when it comes to our children and their motivations for doing things. I find it similar to when parents say something like, “They just want to scream,” or “They are just lazy.” What I tell them, and myself, when this pattern presents itself in my thinking, is this: All people are trying their best. Kids want to be “good,” and if they are showing different behavior, there is a reason. I recognize how hard it is to think this way. Most of us were conditioned in our childhoods to assume that if someone isn't doing whatever it is you think they should be doing, they are doing so intentionally. However, while people may have intentions to do certain things, often the true reasons for our behavior are unconscious. Without that level of self-awareness, we are all just sort of blundering around, acting in ways that have roots in patterns we are not even aware of. My focus as a therapist is to bring those reasons to consciousness so a person can truly make choices and be more intentional about their lives and parenting. Because I am aware of this pattern, I generally approach people differently. I approach them with curiosity and assume positive intentions. I also try to focus on this as a therapist and parent consultant, I also try to focus on this in my own life with myself and others through self-compassion (check out last week’s post here for more details about this!). And guess what? This is also a particularly helpful reminder that I try to incorporate into my parenting mindset daily. Remembering to approach people with curiosity and positive intent helps me to remember that my son wants things to go well. He wants his life to work out, just like I do. When I shift my role from less of a director, needing to dictate every area of his life, to a curious participant and guide (when allowed), it helps me remember that we are on the same team, his team. I can ask curious questions, assume that he is trying his best, and check in with him by asking questions that are using these principles such as:
Often, when we can have a dialogue like this, my goal is to lead him towards more prosocial, compassionate outcomes for him and others. However, I am trying hard not to lecture or put those values on him directly but helping him come to those conclusions himself. It is very similar to how I approach my clients in therapy. To be clear, though, if my son’s behavior crosses a line, I am, of course, stepping in with limits and sometimes consequences. So while this approach may seem “soft” to some who expect all consequences and a little conversation, it is more effective because it helps children come to their own conclusions about their actions and what they want. It helps bring their feelings to consciousness and, hopefully, avoids years of patterns that can be particularly unhelpful. Here is a real-world example of how this plays out for my family with the Pokemon card example again. When this comes up, as it so often does, instead of going into the more unhelpful narratives about my son’s choices that I described earlier in this post, I work to remember that there is a reason for his choices. I first connect with him and ask curious questions. Such as, “What do you like about bringing them to school?” and “What makes it hard to stop bringing them?” or “Are you worried about getting into trouble or the teacher’s reactions?” I hope these questions will help him reflect on his choices and develop more of an internal guideline for how he wants to handle it moving forward. Since my son is five, though, I will keep my expectations in check because what I get from him is often a discussion about how he really should be able to bring them to school. He is particularly strong-willed, as I have mentioned a few times before! So I remind myself that I am planting seeds that will hopefully grow in the future. And then I give my son the limit that since his teacher has asked for kids to stop bringing the cards to school, if he sneaks them and we find out, he will no longer be able to play with them at home. I also offer that when we have play dates with other friends, he is welcome to trade with them (as a big part of what we have learned from asking curious questions is that trading is a very social activity for the kindergarten boys at our school.) So, while he is unhappy about the outcome, my goal is to help him feel connected, understood, and cared for while also having the opportunity to reflect on his choices. I accomplish this by connecting with curiosity and asking questions rather than making assumptions. Since he is developmentally unable to make the prosocial choice, we set limits to help him with that and guide him in the direction that benefits his community and him in the end. Remember that in parenting, just like in the rest of life, it is rarely a simple approach that works best (kindness or consequences) but a blend of the two. This parenting tip is all about how we approach our thinking and, hopefully, our conversations in situations that require kindness and often consequences. Keep reading next week for Tip #6 - Allow your child to solve their problems! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanIn my office, we often discuss the impact of the way we think about ourselves or others, or even life in general, on our perception of those very things. For example, suppose we focus a lot on the difficult parts of parenting or our children and forget to notice the benefits of parenting and our children. In that case, we will naturally feel less satisfied, happy, and enjoyable overall in our families. It’s interesting because underneath all of the toxic positivity statements, such as “choose happiness,” is a shred of truth. While we can’t always just easily choose happiness, we can work to shift our perspective in a situation from a more pessimistic view to a more neutral or, at times, optimistic outlook. And this will often also help someone feel more happy or content. So while I do not subscribe to “toxic positivity” cultural ideas around how someone’s life is entirely in their control, I do believe in the power of our thoughts and interpretation of our lives. And I believe that shifting our lens in very specific ways is enormously beneficial. One of the key ingredients to shifting our perspective is to approach ourselves and others with compassion. Often, when parents are struggling with their children or with parenting in general, they are left with a shame spiral of also feeling that something is wrong with them to feel this way. They also might imagine that something is wrong with their child acting in the way they are. Most of the time, neither of these things are true. Often, children are acting in ways that make sense, given their developmental level and current skills to navigate the world. For example, a child throwing a tantrum is most likely unable to communicate their needs or emotions in any other way. Similarly, the parent who reacts to the tantrum with yelling, is most likely feeling unable to react differently due to their own childhood experiences, parenting they received, ideas they have about how their child “should” be acting, internal distress at their child’s challenges, and sensory overload. It is really tough to go through hard moments with your child. It is even harder to go through those moments and then spend hours, days, and weeks thinking about how you are a terrible parent and/or your child is incredibly damaged. While having self-compassion and general compassion for your child will not necessarily change the tough moments right away, it can take the shame away afterward. And the good news is that when we can reduce shame, we are actually more likely to learn from our mistakes and approach the situation differently in the future. Shame is an extremely triggering emotion for our nervous systems. As such, unfortunately, while we are in a deep state of shame, we are not likely to be able to learn or access the full range of ourselves that might be needed to solve a problem differently. Often, shame triggers our survival instincts or “fight, flight, freeze, fawn” responses, which are generally not helpful unless we are in a truly dangerous situation. Unfortunately, a screaming toddler is not actually dangerous! Increasing our self-compassion can help us break this cycle of parenting shame by reducing our reactivity which also allows us to be more likely to parent in a way that feels helpful to us and our children. Here are examples of ways to practice self-compassion in your parenting. These phrases are often helpful reminders in reaction to encounters with your child that do not go as you had hoped and might end up in tears (for one or both of you):
As parents, we will all make mistakes. We will all mess up and wish we could just start over again. Our children will also be imperfect and wish they could do things differently. The reason for this is not because something is wrong with us all but because we are human and we are flawed. We often learn experientially by doing rather than by thinking. While we can’t change this part of life, we can change how we view it and develop a different way to handle ourselves after a mistake. And the good news is that the more we do this with ourselves, the more we can help our children do the same for themselves, and most likely, the more we will also interact with them and their mistakes differently. Again, this is a win-win and the gift that will keep giving. Try out incorporating self-compassion today by using the phrases listed above! Read on next week for Parenting Tip #5: Assume positive intent and approach situations with curiosity At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanParenting Tip #2: Spend quality time with them daily (no phones or devices allowed) In our fast-paced world and parenting culture, cultivating quality time in our families and with our children is more important than ever. While this is the most common parenting recommendation we give parents, often referred to as Special Time, it is worth sharing again because I believe it might also be the least implemented in families. No judgment here at all. The reason for this is very simple, we are incredibly busy, and it is very hard for adults to “play” or join their kids in play when their minds are racing with the to-do lists from all the things. You know, the summer camp sign-ups, the birthday parties, the lessons, sports, classes, the developmental stages, the homework. ALL. THE. THINGS. It is enough to make our heads spin and surprise, when our heads are spinning, it is hard to sit in one place and play! As a child therapist, this is actually one of the reasons why I stopped taking on new children clients and prefer to work with adults. You see, I have a 5-year-old at home, plus I run a business and see my own clients. And yes, I do also have a household to manage and am responsible for a lot. In the interest of taking my own advice and spending quality time with my son, I just can’t spend that energy and focus at work. While it might sound silly, playing with kids in a focused way does take a lot of focus and energy at first. Anyone who loves working with children can tell you that while it is one of the most amazing ways to spend your professional life, it can also be tiring and challenging to get used to. You see, you have to put aside the bills, the to-do lists, and all the ADULT things in your head and immerse yourself fully in your child’s world. While this is tough for many adults, the secret is that it is a gift that keeps giving. Spending quality time playing with your kids, one on one, with no phones or devices invited to the party, will not only benefit your relationship with your child, their self-esteem and sense of self, but also will benefit you as the parent. You see, play can be another form of mindfulness if you are able to truly put aside all the aforementioned things. Just as you can take mindful walks and eat mindfully, you can play mindfully. While I’m not going to go into the details of all the reasons why mindfulness is important, a good comparison would be that mindfulness is to adult therapy clients as the quality time recommendation is to child therapy clients. They both have benefits that are immeasurable and important. And good news, with practice, you can do both at the same time! Pretty cool, huh? Even cooler is the fact that while it can be hard to lean into quality time and embrace it as an adult, it is a pretty easy intervention otherwise, as your children will be more than happy to have you join their play. Finally, parenting recommendations that your child actually will enjoy ;) Here are the basics of implementing Mindful Play/Special Time/Quality Time (whatever you want to call it!):
And that’s it! I know it seems surprising to have so many benefits and positive results from a relatively simple intervention. Perhaps it helps to consider how it feels when you have a close friend, loved one, partner, or therapist truly listen to your story about your day or a challenge you are having. Perhaps it is about child care, work challenges, parenting, friends, or family challenges. Just remember how nice it can feel to be truly seen and heard when someone listens and focuses on you without judgment or advice. This feeling is what you give to your children when you join their play and give them your full attention. And that feeling is why it helps so much more than just during those 15-20 minutes a day. I hope you try this out! Read on next week for Parenting Tip #3: Everything is Temporary. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanWhile this one may seem obvious, I can’t tell you how often parents have come into my office to share that they would like their child to be different in some way. Less bossy, less active, more active, more studious, more social, less shy, more optimistic, and the list could go on and on and on! This uneasiness is especially true for families where the child’s mental health is a concern or if they are struggling at school or socially. While this is truly understandable, especially as most parents believe they can mold their child in an image they create (more on this later), it is not entirely helpful for children’s development. You see, when parents want to change their child and their personality, the child inherently will get a message that they are somehow “not right.” While parents can do their best to approach their kids from an angle that their “behavior” is the problem and what needs to be corrected, unfortunately, kids often still hear that it is them, who they are, that is a problem. While I wholeheartedly support the idea of separating behavior from a person, that is a complicated concept for many kids. As a child and teen therapist, I hear this from my young clients that while they seem to understand what their parents are trying to do, it still feels like they are failing. Not in their choices or behavior but in who they are as a person. This feeling of something being inherently wrong with you is what I believe often leads to shame, depression, and anxiety. It can also lead to more significant issues such as self-injury, suicidality, and substance use. Regardless of the specific outcome, it definitely creates way more problems than the original behavior or personality trait might have created. While this is never a parent’s intention, focusing on shifting your perception of your child and their traits or behavior. All of our personality traits have pros and cons. As a parent, it can really help to focus on the positive side of the traits or challenges your child is experiencing. Here are some examples of how to do this:
While it is certainly challenging to parent children who may remind us of a difficult family member or whose personalities are difficult for us to understand, it is significantly easier if you consider the gifts of their personalities or traits. It just takes time and practice to consider these things and then remember them in the moment. Try taking time each day to reflect on the challenges you are having with your child and consider the “flip side.” In this discussion, I feel the need to bring up the idea of “shaping” our children into who we want them to be. The absolute most important thing we can do as a parent is to foster our kids' development into who they want to become and to encourage their interests. Not for us or because of us, but led by them. Even kids who seem more malleable in childhood will struggle in adulthood if they are not allowed to develop a sense of who they are and where they want to go in life. This phase of development is an inherent part of kids becoming independent adults who have passions and interests to pursue. Especially in this modern parenting age, when the pressure put on kids to perform and achieve is so high, it is crucial that they have an internal compass to help them find their own path. This navigational tool will help ensure they are not just “checking the boxes” that are being asked of them, but making choices they want and enjoy. For example, if it is important to you that your child play a sport, great! But try to expose them to a few and let them choose rather than pushing them to play a sport you like(d). Remember, we can always, and need to, set boundaries with our kids, but we need to allow them the freedom to choose their path within our limits. We also need to remember that, ultimately, who they become is not up to us but to them. This applies to all things - their personality, interests, careers, relationships, sexuality, gender identity, etc. You have the privilege of watching them bloom into who they are meant to be. Try to embrace the unknown of this and your child’s unique gifts! Read on next week for Parenting Tip #2 - All about Quality Time! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Erica WollermanAs I return to the world of writing for Thrive, I wanted to share a few of my favorite parenting tips for parents of kids of all ages. I was hoping to have these be as universally applicable as possible rather than specialized to a specific situation or age group. I truly hope they are helpful in your parenting journey!
It’s interesting that none of these are the typical, quick-fix parenting tips you might find in a magazine that tells you that if you make one change, your whole parenting relationship will improve. Even better are the ones that tell you that with these easy steps/supplement/program your child will become a whole different kid! While I also can be enamored with those ideas, they generally are not true solutions as they typically are behavioral strategies that increase compliance, but definitely do not help the parent-child relationship. And to me, as a child psychologist and parenting expert (ha, says my very sassy 5-year-old to that - definitely only an expert with other people’s kids, but I digress), the most important thing we have is our connection with our children. And this is not just for all the happy, loving parts of the family, but also for the difficult parts. Think about it this way, wouldn’t you be more likely to complete work, do an above-and-beyond kind of job on something, and generally be more easy to deal with, if you feel connected to your boss, professor, mentor, coach, etc? Parenting with the relationship with your child at the front of your mind is similar. If your child feels loved, heard, understood, and connected to you, it definitely increases the odds that they will comply when they are able to. Here is the trickiest part for me as a parent - “when they are able to.” What on earth does that mean? How do I know when my child is doing what they are able to and when they are just being difficult to make everything harder? I myself have wondered about these questions and ideas, and here is what I have concluded: Kids, just like all people, do the best they can, but that “best” will vary depending on so many factors. It could be sleep, energy, excitement, a difficult day at school, hunger, overstimulation or under stimulation, sensory needs, etc., that make it harder for your child to be their “best” at any given moment. What I think we need to do is trust that they are showing up in the way they are able to and that, generally, their bad behavior is not reflective of their intention but a result of other factors they are not in control of. It could even be their developmental stage or personality as it is almost wired in certain kids and stages (toddler, teenager) to resist parenting interventions. What I would encourage you to remember is that all of this is okay. It doesn't make your child a bad kid. It does not make you a bad parent. Tough moments exist in all families, and they are just tough. The good news is that we, as parents, can do things to make them less intense, frequent, or challenging in the way that we react. This is where my parenting tips come in :) Read on next week for the first parenting tip in full description! It’s all about appreciating what you have! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By Dr. Erica WollermanRecently, I re-shared a post on social media about how this generation is being raised without limits and that this is well, leading them to be quite entitled and also not prepared for adulthood. Check out this article here. I re-shared it because I generally do agree with the information shared. However, I did find myself reflecting back on the article quite a bit and wanted to add just a bit of nuance and gray area. Without careful interpretation, the article could seem like it was saying we should parent as we have in the past, and this is where I disagree. You see, I find myself thinking about the pendulum swinging in parenting often. Not necessarily within one person or family, but within our culture. It seems that we went from one extreme, “children should be seen and not heard,” to another, “all things my child thinks and wants and says are valid,” “I will give my children anything and every opportunity,” or “I just want them to be happy.” Honestly, as a child psychologist and parenting “expert” (tell that to my 5-year-old!) I think we need to work on finding some middle ground here. Though I agree that we are not setting enough boundaries with children currently, I do not want us to revert to setting harsh boundaries without a sense of love and connection. The goal is boundaries that are set with love and rooted in the connection between parent and child.
Often, it seems that we find ourselves overcompensating for what we lacked in our childhoods, and while this is absolutely understandable, it is generally not that helpful because we end up overdoing it a bit. In my eyes, this is a big part of what is happening in our society today. We have a generation of parents who love their kids so much, and they want to do anything for them. They also likely felt unsupported, unseen, invalidated, and like there were too many limits on them as children. Combine this and you get the current situation of parents who are uncomfortable with setting limits and end up only giving praise and love. They seek happiness above all else. What on earth is wrong with happiness? Well, nothing is wrong with happiness as a byproduct of hard work, feelings of connection, friendship, athleticism, and capability. There is something wrong with happiness for the sake of happiness because it is generally an empty feeling. To me, the best goal is to have capable, resourceful, and resilient children. And honestly, if they are those things, they will most likely also be happy. So, what does it look like to set boundaries with love?
The goal is to set firm limits with a firm voice, while also remaining connected with your child. Even if this makes them more upset (this is exactly what happens with my son, when I try to validate his feelings, he wants nothing to do with it!), stay calm and present and let them know you are there while also making sure to set limits about how they are treating you. When the boundary is set and the child is then calm again, make sure to give them a hug or some kind of signal that you are still there, loving them for who they are no matter what. This is the part that I think is more helpful than previous parenting strategies. We can give unconditional love and respect while also setting limits. As a former colleague of mine liked to say, clear communication is kindness. Boundaries are clear communication and a simple form of love from parent to child when combined with unconditional love for who they are. I also believe this is the best way we can prepare them for their lives, as this parenting philosophy also leads to kids with increased feelings of capability. For other blogs I have written on the happiness trap of parenting and building resilience and capability in kids - check out this list! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  By: Dr. Andrea SeldonridgeAs a therapist who works with children, I have often been asked by parents what play therapy is, what its purpose of it is, and how it works. So, I hope to convey a bit about what play therapy actually looks like and the reasons why we use it! “Toys are children’s words and play is their language”. This is a commonly shared quote by Garry Landreth, a prominent play therapist. Play therapy is a form of therapy that is commonly used with children (but even adults can engage in play therapy too!). In typical therapy with adults, adults can verbalize their experiences, emotions, and needs. Children of course are often unable to do so, especially very young children. As many children are unable to put into words their experiences or communicate their needs or pain, play therapy is a way that they can do so that fits their developmental stage. No talking is required since play is a thorough method of communication! Play therapy is different from normal play. As a therapist stays attuned to what is happening for the child in their play, it can help the child process their feelings and experiences. Rather than spending the session talking, we can work to help children resolve issues via play. There are so many different tools, toys, and play activities children can use in play therapy. Sometimes this can be playing with dolls or figurines, using a sand tray, making art, or other types of pretend play. The toys can resemble different themes or aspects of their lives, such as family relationships, safety, power, or interpersonal relationships. Play is a safe space where children can play out scary scenarios or painful experiences or emotions. Sometimes these experiences or issues would be too scary or overwhelming to face outside the therapy room. Through this play, they can process the events and practice resolving issues within the safe space, while also providing a sense of relief. It provides children a developmentally appropriate way to deal with depression, anxiety, and even trauma. Often, play therapy can be directive to help reach specific goals, while often it is very non-directive. When play is non-directive, it gives the child a chance to lead, develop confidence, and increase their sense of agency. Play gets to be organic. It is a chance for them to explore what they would like to in therapy. Many times when I have done play therapy, I will let the child know at the beginning of therapy “this is your play place. You can do anything you would like to. If there is something you can’t do, I will let you know”. After setting boundaries around safety, the children get to just take it from there! Play also helps children let their guard down and just be themselves. Play therapy does four major tasks.
Play therapy is a great way for children to process and resolve the issues they are facing in a safe and developmentally appropriate way. It is a unique take on therapy, reminding us that children have found their own way of communicating without the need for words. At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio. To stay in the loop on the services offered and to receive updated information about Thrive, please feel free to sign up for the newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/dsgLNL.  If you are a regular Thrive blog reader, you will have noticed that I have not blogged in quite some time. Initially, I was just focused on some other areas of the business and my client and family needs and then this fall, our family life became very intense due to a Covid school closure after a planned school break and I feel like I am just now catching my breath over here! With everything that has happened recently, I have not been the only one in my family struggling unfortunately. My son, Luca, who I adore, has seemed to also be struggling a bit. I have to admit that this recent period of challenge threw me for a loop! While I routinely work with my clients on remembering that their child’s development is not linear and to avoid catastrophic thinking, I struggled with this myself recently. You see, Luca, who has been in daycare his whole life essentially, started struggling with going to school after the planned vacation/time away, new school year, and then a two week closure due to Covid. Things are improving now, but wow, this really was tough for me as well! I thought it might be helpful to share about this as it has helped me clarify certain things about parenting that can be so tough for all of us, even me. Here are my suggestions when you are dealing with a bump in your child’s development and believe me, these are all things I incorporated eventually and were helpful for me as well!
Here is what it looked like for us in that situation… Luca would comment in the morning that he did not want to go to school. I would reply with “I hear you love, you don’t want to go to school” and then a few minutes later would direct him to the next task on our morning routine like brushing teeth. He would often keep commenting and at times crying a bit and I would tell him, “I know you don’t want to go to school love, this is really hard for you right now. And I believe you can handle it because we can do hard things.” This pattern continued with him sharing his feelings with me, and I would welcome him sharing about it and listen, validate his experience, while affirming that I am confident he will be okay and not giving any room for him to think he can negotiate by being unsure about his need to go to school. While this didn’t always feel great because I would rather he go to school happily, it was certainly better than the power struggles we could have had! Lately, we seem to be in a better place where this is coming up periodically but not daily which is a relief. We only had one truly explosive and aggressive meltdown directly outside of school, which is also a relief. I am grateful for the reminder of things I know in my heart to be true, which is that kids will struggle and it is okay. They will struggle, we will not know what to do, and it will work out eventually. Plus, this experience strengthens our ability to pivot as parents and our kids’ ability to cope with challenges as they get older. We just need to focus on our connection and relationship with them to get through those times as well as our village. In case you are curious, my village involves my team at Thrive and I am so grateful for them and their ability to support parents. If you are in need of support as a parent, please feel free to reach out to us as we truly get it and want to help! At Thrive, we take a positive, client centered approach to therapy that is focused on creating a genuine connection with our clients. If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy via video sessions, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304. |
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