At Thrive Therapy Studio, we work with children and teens of all ages and often their parents are very concerned about one behavior in particular, lying. This is one topic that seems to come up over and over again regardless of the reason why we are seeing a child/teen in therapy. Parents ask all kinds of questions… Why does my child lie?  How can I make them stop lying and tell the truth? I’m so frustrated, what do I do? What’s wrong with them?  Are they a pathological liar?
 
Interestingly, lying in small doses is actually not a behavior that concerns me as a therapist. It shows a child or teen’s resourcefulness as well as their growing autonomy from their parents, which are all developmentally normal and generally considered good things. When we see a lot of lying, however, it is concerning to us as well as parents.
 
When parents talk to us about lying, it is often a conversation about what is wrong with their child or teen… Not so much about what they could be doing differently. Interestingly though, I am often going to focus more on the parent's behavior than the child or teen initially. First, I want to explore with the parent how their behavior may contribute to their child/teen’s lying behavior. Often, children and teens talk to me about being afraid to tell their parents the truth about things, even small mistakes that they make, because they have learned that their parents get really angry, yell, punish them, and generally “can’t handle the truth.”
 
Unfortunately, while understandable, these parent responses make children and teens feel unsafe around their parents and make them feel that they can’t really tell them things, particularly not hard things or mistakes they have made. For children sensitive to failure and who already struggle to admit their mistakes, this compounds the challenge of truth telling exponentially.
 
This brings me to the main way parents can prevent and reduce lying. Parents can prevent and reduce lying by responding to their child calmly and with an interest in finding solutions, rather than immediately jumping to blame, shame, and consequences for the child. For example, if you find out that your child did not do well on a math test, you felt they were well prepared for, rather than being angry and asking them “what they did wrong or how could this happen,” you can say something like, “I am so sorry to hear that test did not go the way you were hoping. It must have been hard to talk to me about it but I am so glad you did. What do you think might be helpful in the future or do you think there is anything you can do to improve this grade now?”  If you respond in this way, your child is much less likely to hide grades in the future and to talk to you about how things are going academically.
 
This does not mean that consequences should not be given. At times, consequences are perfectly appropriate, they just should not be given in a hasty way out of anger or shame, but perhaps in a conversation with your child or teen. You can even ask them what they think would be appropriate as a consequence for the mistake or situation that came up. For example, if your child accidentally broke something in your home, the conversation might go something like this… “Thank you so much for telling me what happened, I can tell that was difficult. I’m disappointed that the window is broken but I do know that mistakes happen to all of us. What do you think you could do to prevent accidents like this in the future?  What do you think would be a fair consequence?” Hopefully your child/teen would come up with something along the lines of being more careful to prevent this accident from happening again and then you could arrange for a way for them to help pay for the broken window. This makes the most sense as it is a natural consequence that results from cause and effect, something is broken and we pay to fix it.
 
Here are the basic steps for responding to difficult moments with your child or teen using the above example:

1. Connect and respond with empathy – Thank you so much for telling me what happened, I can tell that was difficult for you
2. Express some degree of your feelings calmly  
3. Validate that mistakes happen and are not the end of the world – #2 and #3 are combined in this example - "I’m disappointed that the window is broken but I do know that mistakes happen to all of us."
4. Come up with ways to work on this in the future - What do you think you could do to prevent accidents like this in the future?
5. Discuss consequences if calm and if appropriate for situation - What do you think would be a fair consequence?

 
Through these steps and a lot of patience, you can definitely help your child or teen respond to you in a different way and create a culture of honesty in your family! 

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome regarding any issues around child therapy or teen psychotherapy services in San Diego by Thrive Therapy Studio.  
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapy Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending therapy with one of us, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. 

I was recently asked to contribute to a discussion on how spoiling may impact kids later in life and I enjoyed this topic so much, I decided to expand on it in a blog of my own. If you would like to see the article I contributed to, please check it out here.
 
As a child and teen psychologist as well as parenting consultant, I believe that spoiling your children has a huge affect on them in so many ways both later in life and while they are children. I am referencing “spoiling” in terms of not setting limits with your child. While this often goes hand in hand with “helicopter parenting,” for the purposes of this blog, I am only discussing spoiling. If you’d like to read more on helicopter parenting, check out my blog on it here!
 
Parents often inadvertently spoil their children because they are struggling to set limits for a myriad of reasons… it could be that they are unsure of how to set limits appropriately as it was not modeled for them by their parents. It could also be that they do not want their child to be upset, frustrated, sad, or angry with them. For some parents, their child responds in such a difficult way when they set limits, they simply don’t have the energy to keep setting them. In general, a lack of limits comes from a place of kindness and for many overwhelmed parents, fatigue. While this is perfectly understandable (especially coming from a very tired new mom over here!), unfortunately, there are some lasting effects for kids that do not understand or respect boundaries.
 
The following are just some of the consequences that can occur for kids that have not had boundaries enforced:

1. Low frustration tolerance and difficulties managing strong emotions
2. Poor understanding of cause and effect and how their behavior may effect others
3. Little drive and ambition, coupled with a general lack of success in one’s career or job
4. Lack of accountability

 
As you can see, these are crucial skills and qualities of being a successful and resilient adult!  
 
Consider the following example: A child I once knew had left their bicycle in the driveway where a car could hit it. I asked them, “what would happen if your parents hit your bicycle because you didn’t put it away?” The child’s response was as follows, “they’ll just buy me a new one.” I was so shocked, appalled, and most of all concerned. This young child had no real understanding of money, the inconsiderate nature of this choice, accountability, or responsibility. And honestly, why would he if his parents would just go ahead and get him a new bicycle?
 
Setting firm but loving limits for your children gives them an amazing opportunity to develop the skills to deal with frustration, understand cause and effect, learn accountability, and work towards goals which helps in understanding cause and effect. To help a child learn to treat his belongings with more care, parents could respond in the following way.
 
Letting the child know that you saw that their bike was left out in a place it could be hit. Explaining gently that while it can be annoying or difficult to remember to take the time to take care of our things, that is how we can show we appreciate those things and to ensure we have them for a long time. If the child continues to leave the bike out, I would recommend that you then have a conversation again about how having a bicycle is a responsibility that they might not be ready for and remove that privilege for a period of time (a couple of days). I would also explain that if something happens to the bicycle or a family vehicle because of the bicycle being left out, the child will be responsible for completing chores to pay for damages and earn back the privilege of having the bike.
 
An even more current example would be a cracked iPhone screen. So often, kids are coming in my office with cracked screens that seem to continually be replaced by parents, who often have insurance plans who pay for it. While I understand that financially this may make sense to parents, I do believe that there should be some natural consequence for a child who cracks their phone. Maybe they need to pay for half the fee or lose the ability to have it for a while. This is how they will learn both the value of money and the importance of treating belongings with respect!
 
A key element of these conversations around limit setting is compassion and kindness. It is okay to let your child know you are disappointed in their choice, but also let them know that everyone makes mistakes and that it is okay as long as we take steps to fix the harm we cause. This way, you are not being overly punitive but you are still setting and holding a limit with them. After all, the goal is to prepare our children for the world where there are rules, structure, limits, and at times serious consequences.
 
At Thrive, we are skilled at helping parents set limits effectively and with loving kindness – call us today for a consultation if you are struggling in this area!  We are happy to help and approach these sessions without any judgment. Parenting is hard enough, we just want to support you!

If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, teen or family psychotherapy services in San Diego CA, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 

The holiday season is upon us. And let’s be honest, the holidays can be quite stressful and exhausting! They can be demanding and overwhelming for the whole family. And feeling like you need to do everything to give your kids an amazing holiday can make it even worse. For you and them. Especially when they are displaying challenging behaviors and you start to feel resentful because they seem ungrateful. It is important to remember this time of year is not just stressful and exhausting for you, it is for your children too. Whether it is tests, finals, parties, school performances, extracurricular activities, family visiting, or all of the above, it is a LOT for them. It is a lot for ALL of you.

So try and remember this when your child is giving you an attitude, throwing a fit, wants to stay in their room, or displaying any challenging behavior. These behaviors are likely their way of communicating they are overwhelmed, over stimulated, or tired and in need of a break. And don’t forget about you, when you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, becoming irritable or short with your family members, take a break. Try to model for your family that the holidays should not be about being stressed and overwhelmed. You don’t have to do every trending holiday activity or event. Pick a few, or none. Make family traditions simple, and let them be about who you are as family and what you enjoy, and not what everyone else is doing. Remind yourself of this as many times as you need. Take a moment to look at your beautiful family. Enjoy them this holiday season. Have fun, be playful, and let the small things (or big things that no one cares about anyway) go. Happy Holidays! May this be the best one yet!

As a Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in children and teens, families often come to see me wanting help with specific behaviors that are happening in the home, at school, or in the community.  Without the verbal understanding that adults have, children often resort to tantrums, crying, screaming, and yelling much to the frustration of most parents.  It is important to remember that this behavior often serves a purpose for the child.   It can communicate things that children are either unable to say or things they may not even be aware of on a conscious level.  These are the five common needs that are communicated through behavior:
 
1. The need to connect -  Listen, I get it!  Life gets busy and responsibilities get in the way.  Not to mention, dealing with negative behaviors doesn’t make it easy to slow down and connect, but this is a fundamental need that children have on a daily basis.   Find at least 30 minutes each day to dedicate to your child.  Family game nights, art activities, family outings, etc. all allow face-to-face time with each other to improve positive connections and positive relationships.  Children are more willing to comply and behave in appropriate ways once they feel connected!  And once they feel connected, they will be less likely to engage in negative behaviors.

2. The need for autonomy – This is a tough one for all parents.  Children have a need to make their own decisions, which includes making their own mistakes.  It’s hard to sit back and watch, knowing that your child may fail, but it’s vital that they be allowed to try.  This develops courage, sense of self, and creates a supportive, loving relationship between parent and child.

3. The need to differentiate – Children are naturally curious and have a need to explore different opinions, beliefs, and values.  Being free to be curious and create an identity without shame fosters loving, healthy relationships.  This is a difficult need to balance, especially when teaching right and wrong is one of our duties as a parent.  It is important to examine our own values and if there may be any motives behind wanting a child to be a certain way.  This can allow parents to release expectations and allow children the space they need to grow into healthy, independent individuals.

4. The need for emotional comfort – Children have big emotions and equally big reactions.  It is important to remember that young children are not able to regulate themselves and sometimes need extra support.  Explain to children that ALL feelings are always okay and that they don’t need to hide them or suppress them.  I like to teach children that feelings are like waves, if you don’t fight them - they pass.  If you do fight them, they can pull you under.  Extra hugs, love, and kindness help children to overcome and learn to self-soothe.   If behavior is inappropriate, it’s okay to lovingly disengage until children calm down and then provide love and support and offer suggestions for how to handle feelings differently next time.

5. The need to feel respected and valued -  When children are non-compliant and refusing to follow instructions, it is easy for parents to react with anger.  The number one way that children learn from us is through modeling.  If we model respectful and kind behavior, our children will respond and learn in the same manner.   Remaining calm through challenges is not always easy, so don’t be afraid to take a break and address things later if you need to.  
 
Next time your child is engaging in a behavior remember that they might be communicating a need and being aware of this is the first step towards helping your child to engage in more positive behaviors.
 
If you’d like to speak with someone regarding how to better understand and modify a child’s behavior, you can reach a Thrive Therapist at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.  

As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome. Contact us regarding any issues around child, teen psychotherapy and adult San Diego psychologist at Thrive Therapy Studio.  

One of the most common questions parents have at my office is how to manage their afternoons once their kids are out of school. This is super understandable as parents want their kids to enjoy their time out of school but also typically have a lot to accomplish in an evening! Here are some strategies and tips that can help your afternoons go a bit smoother.
 

1. Create a schedule at the beginning of the school year – even better if you can create a visual schedule somewhere in your home. This way your kids know what to expect after school.
2. Have realistic expectations. Try not to pack too much into those precious hours after school so that your child is then feeling rushed and stressed, which will impact their behavior, mood, and sleep!  Limiting your schedule to only one additional activity each day can help, or even no activities is okay!
3. Schedule in a break that meets your particular child’s needs. Each child needs something slightly different after school. Some kids do great with jumping right into homework while they eat a snack, others may need a bit more time to decompress before starting their homework, while still others need to do their homework in small doses throughout the afternoon. Keep in mind how your child does with transitions when deciding how many and how long of a break to give.
4. Limit “screen time” until after homework or other essential tasks are done. One of my favorite principles is the Premack Principle, which suggests that we first should do things we don’t really want to do and then the things we enjoy doing. This is basically the rule behind dessert coming after dinner or parents saying, eat your vegetables first. So, if your child struggles to either end their screen time or to transition away from it, definitely have that be one of the last activities they engage in!  
5. Involve your child in the discussion about their schedule. It usually helps if your child has some perceived control over their schedule. For example, you can sit down and ask for their thoughts… It would look like this, “so, after school we need to accomplish this, this, and this, what do you think would be best to do first?” This does not mean that you will always do things the way they ask for it to be done, just asking for their input goes a long way! It will help if you have an idea of all the tasks to do ahead of time and even have them written down on slips of paper you can organize in a list. Then, you just have to assign a time frame to each one.

 
Please feel free to check out some of my favorite after school routine resources on my pinterest page here! 
 
You can also contact our office to talk and consult about what might suit your particular child best in your after school routines (or morning/evening routines too!).
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about yourself, your child, or teen attending Teen counseling in San Diego with one of us, please reach out to us by phone at 858-342-1304.  We are a San Diego Counseling practice.  
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n. 

Thrive is excited to announce our first Parenting Workshop will be starting on Wednesday April 19th from 6:30-8:00. It will be a 5 week workshop where parents will learn practical strategies to parent with more intention in a small group setting. As a preview, we wanted to share Angela’s perspective and the things that she is excited to explore with parents during this exciting workshop!
 
Top three things I am excited to explore with parents during Parenting with Intention workshop series.
 
1. What kind of relationship do you have with your child? Exploring and discussing what it's like to parent your child helps to clarify what you're looking for and what areas you would like to strengthen. If you're feeling ineffective, tired, and disconnected from your child; focusing on your intentions in parenting will help you bring about the balance in your relationship. 
 
2. Parent as a coach. Using little moments each day to reframe your role as a coach to jump in and help your child through meltdowns and tantrums. What's working and what's not working? If you're feeling bored or frustrated with the power struggles; gaining a new sense of the "why" behind your parenting decisions will guide you in more intentional parenting. 
 
3. Permission to play! What does the quality time with your child look like? Discussing the intention behind the activities we choose to spend engaging in with our children will help highlight where we are setting our intentions. You will learn how to become more mindful while making an ice cream sundae together, reading a bedtime story, or looking at a tide pool. If you're feeling rushed or overwhelmed; slowing down and practicing mindfulness will help you tune into those intentions and embrace your relationship with your child. 
 
We hope you are as excited as we are to learn more and explore these areas further!  For more information about the group, please contact Angela Bianco, ASW directly at 858-952-8835 or by email at angelabianco.asw@gmail.com. Angela is supervised by Erica Wollerman, PsyD (PSY25614) and questions can also be directed to Erica and the general Thrive team at 858-342-1304!
 
If you would like to talk with a Thrive Therapist about your child or teen working with one of our teen psychotherapists, please reach out to us either via email at ewollerman.psyd@gmail.com or phone at 858-342-1304.
 
If you would like to receive updated information about Thrive Therapy, please feel free to sign up for our newsletter through the following link: http://eepurl.com/cvGx5n.
 
As always, thanks for reading and comments are always welcome!

Welcome to Thrive's first parenting blog!  One of the components of my work that I am most passionate about is my work with parents through parent consultation (either on its’ own or in addition to a child’s treatment). I am excited to be starting a series of blogs that discuss parenting and give parents useful and effective tips that they can implement right away. I would like to begin today with several common topics in my parent consultation sessions and an overview of ways to set yourself up cognitively and emotionally to be an effective parent.  

Before going into the tips, I would like to share a bit about my perspective on parenting and parent consultation. I fundamentally believe that children need rules, limits, and consequences.  They also need parents who communicate with them, demonstrate their love, and are present in their lives to show them just how much they care, even when they have made a mistake. I would also like to share that as a parent consultant, I am here for parents as a collaborative partner. I have a wealth of knowledge and experience with children and parents that will help guide our work together but I always respect that parents are the expert on their family and their child. While I give a lot of feedback about how to help their child, none of that is coming from a place of judgment as I know that parenting is not an easy job and that children do not come with an instruction book. Please also keep in mind that the strategies that are posted are general strategies and not effective for every child. Children are all so different and respond to different things! As such, please feel free to seek further help with parenting if these strategies are proving ineffective for your child. I would love to hear from you and consult with you!

Tip #1: You are the parent, not your child’s friend (particularly when discipline is involved)

This is a tough one but so important in any discussion of parenting as our desire to be our child’s best friend leads us away from acting as their parent. Parents always need to remember that they are responsible for teaching their child how to be fully functioning adults and this means saying “no” and sometimes that your child will be upset with you because you are not giving them what they want. While this can be challenging, it is necessary. As a parent, you are the leader and you are in charge so the way you approach things sets the tone for your whole family. 

Tip #2: Empathy works

Particularly for highly sensitive and emotional children and teens, they need to be approached with empathy and compassion for their situation and their feelings. Some parents struggle with this because they feel the child is acting “dramatic” but it is important not to shame them for their feelings by pushing them out of it before they are ready but to approach them with some compassion. Start by reflecting their feelings to them, “I can tell you are feeling (overwhelmed, sad, like everyone hates you, etc), that must be difficult.” Then let them share about it before helping them find solutions. Try not to go to solving the problem too quickly because they might feel that you do not understand and shut down more. Also, even when you are providing consequences, it is appropriate to be kind and compassionate. Sometimes parents are working so hard on being “strong” and holding the limits they set that they forget to connect with their child and give them some love too. 

Tip #3: Set appropriate expectations

Your child is going to have strengths and weaknesses just like we all do. As such, the areas where they are less proficient will need extra focus, patience, and have more room for growth. These are often the areas that are most frustrating for a parent but it is important to thoughtfully consider if your expectations match your child’s abilities. Then you can recognize where your child is at and meet them there by setting expectations just slightly above their skill level. This way you are challenging them but not overwhelming them with the challenge, which can lead to giving up. 

Tip #4: Consistency is key

One of the most important cornerstones of effective parenting is to be consistent. Children need rules and they need to know what to expect. I find a fantastic way to meet this need is by creating visual cues that help parents and children stay consistent. 

• Post a list of house rules
• Create a detailed chore chart with days of the week so your child knows what to expect to do
• Discuss at length with your spouse/significant other/co-caregivers what the expectations will be and make sure everyone is on the same page
• Post reminders of goals or rewards your child is working towards

Extra Tip: Have your child help you make any visuals you use – it increases their interest and motivation to following the system you create if they are involved in creating it!

Tip #5: Always keep your future goals in mind

This is a tip geared towards changing your mindset when disciplining your child and to help you stay firm in your expectations. When parents are wavering in their discipline and not setting consistent limits, it’s helpful to look at the situation differently and from a more neutral approach. For example, a goal for your child might be for them to understand cause and effect. As such, the first step is to recognize that they do not yet have this skill fully developed and will need support. When they make mistakes and break rules (ex. Hitting their brother), a consequence needs to be provided. They will often become upset as a result, but if you can remember that the consequence is there in order to teach them cause and effect, it might be easier to follow through. 

Tip #6: It’s okay for your child to experience unpleasant feelings

This tip follows up on my blog last week about the “Happiness Obsession” and my belief that as parents and caregivers, we need to stop thinking our job is to protect our children at all costs. I get it. You love them so much that it is extremely painful for you when they are struggling or feeling uncomfortable/unpleasant feelings. However, sometimes those are experiences they need to learn the lesson at hand. For example, when a child makes a mistake, it is okay for them to feel remorse about it and to be bummed for a while. It is then our job to say, “I get it. I make mistakes too and I feel awful when I do. It’s okay to feel badly about it but remember that you are still a great person and everyone makes mistakes. How can we make this situation better?” Then we are providing support and empathy but validating that it’s okay to feel badly when we mess up. Protecting them from the unpleasant feelings would look more like telling them what they did is not a big deal anyways, telling them they were not really responsible for the mistake, or letting them off the hook for a consequence. 

Tip #7: Take the yelling out of discipline

One of the most important parts of any discipline discussion is what I call “firm and neutral” parenting. This means that when giving a consequence it is done in a firm and neutral way. There is no yelling involved or shaming your child. Just matter of fact, “that is unacceptable behavior.” Then you give a consequence in a similar way “because you hit your sister, you will not watch TV for the rest of the day.” And that’s it!  End of story. Try not to discuss the mistakes a child makes over and over as that simply gives the negative behavior more attention (which sometimes increases it!). 

Take away points: 

• Effective parenting starts with an understanding that we are the leaders in our child’s lives and need to act accordingly to help them learn the ropes of this life. 
• We are not our child’s friends (even though you might have fun with them and feel like it sometimes). 
• Empathy works. 
• Be consistent. 
• Give consequences in a kind and neutral way. 
• Try not to yell. 
• It’s okay for your child to have a tough day and feel some unpleasant things. It happens to all of us!

Thanks for reading!
 
Have questions about Thrive Therapy Studio?  Please contact us regarding parent consulting, adult, child or teen psychotherapy services or family counseling services in San Diego.