Can we “cancel” the word “should?”

How often do we all hear some variation of these kinds of statements either within ourselves and our thoughts or from others in our world? We are all inundated with information about what we “should” be doing which essentially becomes a list of the ways we are failing or also a way for others to impress upon us their values and what they think about our lives, choices, etc.

I’ve personally decided that I’m done with statements like that. You see, as a recovering perfectionist, these statements are like poison for my brain. In the past, I would agonize over the shoulds in the world and use them as ammunition against myself. My list of shoulds was a list of failures and ways to remind myself that I’m lacking.

I notice a trend right now in my work and that’s that a lot of people seem to be bumping up against their ideal expectations of others, or themselves. Fueled by perfect images on social media or just our own thoughts of what we ‘should’ or what our kids or partners ‘should’ be like or be doing right now. I feel concerned about how much this is going to impact all of us going forward as the mixed messages between “take care of yourself – it’s a pandemic” and “you should really get your beach body, have a color-coded parenting chart, etc.” are just downright confusing. Additionally, we are all operating in more isolation than we have in the past, so we have less positive input from others as well as less opportunities to feel supported interpersonally. This leads us to be ripe for insecurity and uncertainty about our choices – and especially vulnerable to shaming statements that lead with the idea of “should.”

It’s important to note that our ideal thoughts of who we should be or want to be are just that, an ideal. It’s great if you use the idea of your ideal self as motivation in a kind, self-compassionate way, but once we weaponize the ideal- trouble is coming. Here come the shame and shoulds and feelings of “not enough.” As I mentioned, during this challenging time in our world, any increased feelings of internal struggle or shame are just going to make this harder to get through in a healthy way.

Here are some strategies that I use to help myself through the “shoulds” when they come my way, either from myself or my well-meaning loved ones.

Find the narrative
​When I find myself feeling either overwhelmed, irritated with obligations or people, sad, or in a state of shame, I have learned to try to pause and think things through before reacting too much. I try to check in with myself to see what the narrative or story is that I am telling myself about the situation.

Recognize when your expectations are unrealistic and based in ideals
When we have expectations of ourselves based on ideals, they are usually rooted more in fantasy rather than reality. For example, I bump up on the idea that as a mom who is also a therapist and parent consultant, I should always be able to set effective boundaries with my son. He’s a toddler by the way, so most of you reading this probably know that this is entirely unrealistic. Because in my head, effective boundaries equal him listening to me when I ask him to do things. And well, that apparently is not the way it goes on any day ending in y! So, this is one of those expectations that was unconscious and unknown until the quarantine as we are home so much more with him to feel tested and a lack of patience. And the moments when I am at my least patient and just want him to listen are the times that then I start having the “shoulds” come in. Thoughts like “If only I was parenting better, he would listen all the time” or “a better therapist would always be caring and patient with a toddler” and my favorite, “when I babysat and nannied, the kids listened to me and I didn’t take it all so personally.” This last one is my favorite, because I honestly know deep in my heart that kids generally listen better to everyone but their parents. But when it’s my kid not listening to me, it feels so much harder!

Figure out the language so you can pay attention and reframe it
This is the entire idea of this blog… We need to figure out what language is a good cue to pay attention to so that we can take a step back and work through our expectations a bit more. For me, “should” is a big one as well as anytime I bump up on ideal kinds of expectations which honestly almost always include the word “should” as well. However, others might have other words that come up while feeling this way or that trigger these feelings. It is up to all of us to try and figure out how we interact with language, expectations, and ideals so that we can better manage our responses.

Ask is there a deeper emotional need you would like to tend to?
Sometimes, actually probably often, I have found that if I am feeling frustrated about someone else’s “shoulds” for me or my own, it might indicate a lack of balance or unresolved feelings about a decision I have made. I think that it is crucial for parents to try to learn to check in with themselves about their own needs and if they are being met to help make sure we are reacting from a place of intention and more of our best selves. Even in our current “shelter in place” situations, we need to try to figure out what is missing and what on earth we can do about it.

I hope these ideas are helpful for you! Most of all, hang in there parents! At Thrive, we are happy to help support you and your family if you are struggling right now! We are accepting new referrals both for individual therapy and parent consultation but also group therapy! We have three groups currently – Teen Anxiety, Young Adult, and Parent Support. Check out this page for more information!