4 Steps to Help Guide You to Adjust Your Expectations

So often, our expectations in life just don’t quite work out. Especially during 2020! I find myself adjusting my own expectations a lot about our life, my family, parenting, and what I am able to accomplish. While this is stressful and at times challenging, I think it is extremely important to work on particularly since so little of this situation is truly in our control. The main thing we can control right now is how we cope and how we respond to the situations we are in.

Most parents did not elect to become homeschooling, often simultaneously working, parents. This situation has just been thrust upon us and the feelings of frustration, despair, fear, anger, etc. we might have about this mess we find ourselves in are totally valid. I have been witnessing firsthand just how hard this virtual learning life has been for the families I work with, but also for those doing it in my personal life. While this situation is immensely challenging, one thing that I think can help is to work on adjusting our expectations of both ourselves and our children. While that might look different in different situations, and I honestly would expect it to, there are some steps to help walk you through this process.

1. Notice your emotions – Often, strong emotions accompany our experience when our lives are not meeting our expectations. Feeling resentful, angry, uncomfortable, guilty, frustrated, etc, is at times the cue that our expectations are not being met in our lives. The first step in re-evaluating expectations is to make sure you notice that you are needing to do so, which can often follow noticing a strong emotion.
2. Can you do something about the situation? Explore possible options of change just in case there is one available to you. As I mentioned before, often in 2020, the challenges we are facing lack significant solutions that are readily available, but if there is a solution it is best to try that out first!
3. What exactly am I expecting of myself, my life, my family? The next step is the most complicated because it requires you to do some soul searching to figure out what exactly you had hoped for or expected in the situation you are in. It could be an easy one like, I expected not to be homeschooling multiple children at once while also working full time. Or, it could be more challenging, like I expected to be a perfectly calm parent at all times while I am with my child. I would recommend you write down your thoughts about this and clarify exactly what you were expecting so that the next step is easier.
4. What is a more realistic expectation? This is where you dig a bit deeper to see what about your expectations are currently unrealistic. This is when it is time to articulate what is more realistic for your situation as well as try to release the thoughts of “what might have been, what should be, what I wish” and accept what is.

While the process of letting go of what we would like our lives to be like can be difficult, most people feel a sense of relief when they realize they are trying to do something that is actually not possible. This usually can help us realize that if we approach the situation differently, we will most likely feel better about it.

For example, we recently transitioned our son into a toddler bed and I kind of expected the transition to be smooth and for him to stay in bed all night. This way, I still would have my downtime in the evenings that I have come to rely on for self-care. As you can imagine, our son had his own ideas and it quickly became a game to launch out of bed at all hours. While we worked on a solution and ways to help keep him sleeping, I had to release my expectation that I would be “off parenting duty” after 8 pm. That just wasn’t realistic and caused more frustration for me to want something that was impossible for us for a period of time. I just accepted that this was a period of time where we might sleep less and tried to remember that it is a temporary season of life. While not fun, I do feel that changing my mindset was helpful and the only thing I could truly control.